DILEMMA
Chapter four
This chapter is still under construction…
--
We picked up the trash in silence, but when we returned to the living room he cleared his throat.
"Hey," he said tentatively, "I have a new X Games tape. Want to watch it?"
I looked at him thoughtfully.
"I've been thinking about what you said the other day. About me not wanting to love anyone? You're right. I don't like being in love. Life is too complicated already." I looked at him closely, "And you know, at my age it's stupid to want to hit someone just because he slept with you."
He slowly put the remote back on the TV and faced me.
"Dennis told you." He said and I nodded. "It wasn't serious." He said, "We've always been friends and-" he paused, "Wait a minute. You're jealous?"
"Pathetic, huh?"
"Nope." He grinned, "It's kind of flattering, actually."
I rolled my eyes. "I don't want to be jealous."
"So don't." He said gently. He leant against the wall, "Look. I like being with you. I can be patient, but it would be nice to know that you want me."
I kept thinking He was right on all counts. Or partly, at least. Yes, people gave up on me, but Sara was happier now with someone else, and I was glad. I didn't want Greg to give up on me, but I couldn't help thinking that he'd be better off with someone else. I tried not to think about it. Denial was comforting.
We were acting like friends and that was ok. But I was aware that it bothered me, the fact that I needed him this much. He was right -I'd always driven people away, But after a night of dealing with Hodges' half-hearted efforts to stay at CSI, some gruesome cases, and other problems, it was nice to have someone to talk to.
I reached out and tentatively touched his face with the tips of my fingers.
"Just make a decision," He said and then he added helpfully. "A kiss might help."
"We've already done that" I frowned
"No we did not." he interrupted, "I kissed you and your tongue did a disappearing act."
"And according to you, a kiss will make up my mind?" I asked incredulously.
"It might change mine," he replied, cockily, "After all, you might be an atrocious kisser."
Oh, he was good. He was taunting me to do my best.
Well, I wasn't taking the bait. I'd probably be so bad at it that he might end this little game himself.
'Ha' I thought. 'You'll be sorry that you asked for it, Greg'
I pushed my hands in my pockets and stared at him. He stared back. He wasn't going to help, apparently. I took a step towards him and feeling silly and self-conscious, I rigidly pressed my mouth against his once. I pulled back to see his reaction.
"That doesn't count." He said firmly.
I rolled my eyes and awkwardly pressed my lips against his again. This time, our noses clashed. This time he pulled back.
"Oh, for God's sake," He protested, rubbing his nose, "Come on, Grissom! You're not even trying!"
"I'm doing my best," I retorted.
"This is your best?" he asked incredulously, and he looked like he really hoped I didn't mean that.
I suddenly realized that I was acting like an idiot. Here was an opportunity that I would never get again, and I was wasting it.
"Fine," I whisper and leant forward again. I tilted my head and kissed a corner of his mouth. Then the other corner. I kept trying to find the right angle to kiss him. Then he whispered something and I followed his lead. We kissed for real. We tasted each other, tentatively. Once… twice… Then more assuredly, and then completely, hungrily.
I was clenching my hands inside my pockets, resisting the urge to grab him, but he didn't resist his. He drew my head down with both hands, and since that wasn't close enough, he also sucked my tongue deeper into his mouth. I let him take over. I'd felt possessive earlier but this was the real thing.
We pulled back at the same, breathless and flushed. I kissed him again, briefly, unable to part so soon. He took a deep breath and then we were kissing again, and I freed my hands out of my pockets to pin him against the wall…
Of course, there was still a little voice telling me to beware. This was a coworker, a young coworker -the youngest, in fact. A male coworker. I was the boss. I should know better... But this felt too good.
I was finally able to pull back at last, amazed at my lack of self control. I tried to say something deep, but what I mumbled was,
"Did you know that the scientific name for kissing is Philematology?"
To his credit, he didn't gloat at the fact that a kiss had reduced me to this sorry state. He smiled.
"Did you know that you burn 26 calories in a one minute kiss?"
I closed my eyes and leant into his arms again.
"I can't believe we're doing this," I muttered, "This is wrong-"
"It's bad too; reeeel bad." He laughed.
"We could get in trouble." I insisted.
"Not if we're careful." He said simply. "Baby… There's no turning back."
"Look, you have to promise to -" I frowned. "Did you just call me 'baby'?" he nodded and I rolled my eyes, "I'm not a baby, Greg."
"Ok. Can I call you honey, then?" He smirked.
"Greg, I'm serious, ok?" I said.
"Ok." He replied, "I'm listening."
"You have to promise you'll tell me if you ever want this to end. I won't take it gently if I find out you're with someone else behind my back-"
Greg was mystified.
"You know, I'll never understand you. We've not done anything yet and you're already planning the break up."
"All right," I accepted, "Let's do something then." I started pushing him towards the hallway.
"What, now?" he said, so surprised that he almost fell over backwards.
"Why not?" I replied, "You didn't make your bed?" He chuckled and kissed me and I had to feel along the wall for the door to his bedroom. I rattled a door knob.
"That's a closet, Grissom" He informed me between kisses.
"Oh," I pushed him against the opposite door and tried again.
"Nope. Broom closet."
"Oh, for God's sake, where the hell is it?"
He laughed and pushed me towards the end of the hallway. Before he opened the door he asked,
"What do you want to do?"
"I… " I frowned. "I have no idea."
"Good." He said approvingly, "We'll improvise, then!"
--
"Uh. Greg?" I whispered tentatively.
"Wha… what, again…?" he mumbled, half asleep. "Give me… a minute…"
I laughed.
"No, not 'again', Greg. Could you just move a little? I'm on a wet spot here."
"Hum. No. There's not dry spot here." He said contentedly, falling asleep again.
I sighed. I couldn't move because he was holding me down. Earlier, just before he fell asleep, he'd asked if it bothered me.
"Some guys hate to cuddle" he explained.
Like I was going to say no to anything he asked.
"It's ok." I said, "Cuddle all you want." And I liked this closeness, but on the other hand I couldn't move much. I was learning the hard way that Greg's multitasking had a wearing effect on him. He was always doing something; reading, writing, playing, learning, 'absorbing'. It was no surprise that when he fell asleep, it was a deep slumber.
Oh, well.
I resigned myself to lie on the wet spot. It was the least I could do, considering we were in a relationship now. For Greg, I'd lie on the wet spot, and more.
Of course, in a few years I might be the one giving advice to my successor on how to love Greg. But for now…
I whispered something in his ear, hoping he'd hear me.
"Hey, Greg? I love you."
TBC