A/N: Thank you all for the reviews! I say that all the time, but I mean it all the time. :) Another thanks to LadyCommish, big hugs to ya, girly!
Chapter 80:
As the week drew to a close both Harm and Mac began to feel better. She was still tired and dizzy but she was able to, for the most part, keep it from him. Harm was still in a good deal of pain but the spasms that had plagued him were now few and far between. Instead he now lived with a dull throb in his lower back. Even that, however, was preferable to the agony of the previous week.
The day before, Ainsley had been given a clean bill of health and had gained back the weight she'd dropped from being sick plus 6 additional ounces. Now it was Harm's turn as once again he and Mac waited, hand in hand, for Dr. Peddie.
"Good afternoon, Commander, Colonel" the smiling doctor greeted. "How've you been?"
"Better than the last time you saw me" answered Harm.
"Excellent" the doctor smiled again. "Still having pain though?"
Harm nodded. "Some, but it's better than it was; it's down to a dull ache more than a sharp pain."
"I like to hear that, and you're still obeying the bed rest rules, correct?" For the answer to this the doctor looked at both Harm and Mac.
"For the most part" Mac replied. "Though he has been bad once or twice." She fixed him with a stern, maternal stare.
To this the doctor raised his eyebrows at his patient. "Is this correct, Commander?"
"Guilty as charged, I'm afraid" answered Harm. "I learned my lesson, though, so no more breaking the rules."
"Well, how about rolling over and lifting up your shirt and I'll see if we can't modify those rules some before we operate" Dr. Peddie suggested.
"Gladly" said Harm with a smile as he did as the doctor asked. "Any hope of taking a real shower tonight?"
"Bath maybe" the doctor said. "I don't want too much weight on your legs until I can get...What caused this bruising?" he asked as he checked Harm's lower back.
"Uhh...that would be" began Harm, knowing he was about to get into big trouble, "when I stupidly tried to make it to and from the bathroom by myself."
"You fell on this?" he asked gently touching the area that was still discolored and swollen, though nothing like it had been the night Mac had treated it.
"Yes, sir, I did" admitted Harm. "My legs went out from under me like they were made of rubber. It was all my own fault; such a dumb thing to do."
"Dumb is an understatement" Dr. Peddie grumbled. "There's no way to save this now" he sighed. "I'm going to press a bit, please give me a pain scale measurement before and after."
Harm nodded and took in a deep breath, looking to Mac for encouragement.
She offered him her hand. "Squeeze away."
"Okay, I'm touching the area now" the doctor said. "Say one to ten."
"Two" said Harm, holding onto Mac's hand.
"Excellent" Dr Peddie praised. "I'm going to steadily increase the pressure. Let me know if it either passes a six, or cuts off feeling."
The doctor moved his fingers pressing on the injured area by centimeters, gauging Harm's reactions as well as Mac's.
"Still only a four" said Harm, "maybe close to five."
"And how about now?" The doctor increased the pressure again, using more than he had the first time he'd examined Harm.
"Ow, eight, nine!" said Harm, clinging tightly to Mac's hand and closing his eyes in pain.
"Okay, any numbness?" Dr. Peddie asked as he released the pressure.
"No" said Harm, relieved that the pain was easing up.
"Good" Dr. Peddie said. "You can roll back over if you'd like, or you can rest a minute."
Harm chose to roll back over; he was more comfortable on his back when he was talking to people. "Doctor" he began, "what implications do you feel this situation will have as far as my flight physical is concerned?" He feared he already knew the answer, but he had to ask anyway.
"Once it gets to this stage..." he shook his head. "It's happened that pilots have retained their active status, but it's not very likely. If I go in and get that disc...they wouldn't clear you to fly. I'll have to do another type of surgery, a repair not a remove which is far riskier a procedure. Then you may, may have a chance."
Mac held Harm's hand a bit tighter. She knew what this would mean for him and he'd need her support.
"Define 'far riskier'" said Harm, conscious of Mac's grasp of his hand.
"Well, discectomy deals very little with the spinal cord. The incision is smaller and you're only under about two hours. You go home the same day and we get you up as soon as he anesthetic is out of your system. A reconstruction requires a much larger cut, requires delicate work near the spinal cord and required a hospitalization of five days to make sure meningitis does not set in from the exposure" the doctor explained. "That's just one risk, the other is failure of the operation altogether, so you're in the same boat. Also, anytime you cut near the cord you risk damaging the nerves there."
Harm nodded gently. "Well, we have to do whatever it takes to give me whatever shot I have at keeping my wings" he said. "If it doesn't happen, we'll deal with it, but we have to try."
"Well it's a big decision and not one I'd make overnight" Dr. Peddie said gently. "Think about it, discuss it with your wife and let me know next week." He took out his prescription pad and wrote something. "Before you come I'd like you to go for an MRI. Also, I'd still like you in bed most of the time but you can take a bath as long as someone is there to help you out of the tub; the soak will help. I want you to ice the swelling twice day. Questions?"
"None I can think of" said Harm, looking over at Mac. "Anything, babe?"
"Can he sit at all or no?" Mac asked. "We miss him at dinner."
"For a short time" the doctor replied. "I can give you orders for a wheelchair to take home. I don't want him walking too much."
"We've actually got one at home" said Harm. "Borrowing it from a friend of ours."
"Okay then" Dr. Peddie said. "If you are getting around, do it in that. I'll see you a week from Monday?"
"Sounds great" said Harm, extending his hand to the doctor. "Thank you."
The doctor shook Harm's hand and Mac's as well before leaving them to get ready to be transported home.
"You can let go now, baby" he gently said once they were alone. "My fingers are turning purple."
"I'm sorry," she said easing up at once. "I...I just didn't want to hear that."
"Me either" he sighed. "We kind, I mean I kind of already knew it, though."
"So I guess that's it huh?" she sighed. "I'm sorry, honey. You can still fly though, just not for the Navy."
He looked at her, confusion in his eyes. "That's only if the reconstruction fails though. If it's a success, well..."
"You're really considering the...Did you hear him?" Mac asked shocked he'd even think of having such a dangerous operation.
"I heard everything the man said" he assured her. "It's my only shot at keeping my wings, Mac. Do...do you not want me to do it?"
"It's your decision" she replied. "It's your body, your life, ultimately." She sighed, not able to help recalling their nightmares.
"I know that look" he said gently, "and we've agreed that those nightmares were just that - nightmares. Dr. Peddie is the best; you said so yourself and I trust his opinion. Like he said, though, it's not something to decide right this second."
"But you've already decided" Mac sighed. "Haven't you?"
"Unless you can find a way to change my mind" he answered, "yes."
"Can you make me a promise?" she asked. "Well, two promises?"
"Just name them, babe" he said.
"First off" Mac said, "you think this through some more. Really think it through and research it. Will you do that?"
"Sure" he replied, knowing that it would make the situation easier on her.
"And second, no matter what you decide, no matter what the outcome, we deal with it together" Mac said. "No running away, no walls, we work it out together. You and me. Promise?"
A flyboy smile appeared across his face as he pulled her close enough to kiss her lips. "You and me, Mac. No matter what happens, it'll happen between the two of us."
"Okay" Mac smiled and rubbed her nose against his in an Eskimo kiss. "Have I told you how much I love you today?"
"No, but feel free to tell me" he smiled.
She leaned over and kissed him again. "I love you."
Mac left a few minutes ahead of Harm so she could go and pick up Ainsley from day care while he waited for the transport team. By some stroke of fate, however, Mac actually made it home before Harm did, which gave her time to sit down with the baby and take a much needed breather.
She sat on the sofa, with Ainsley on her chest, and put her head back. This could be very bad, she knew that, but it would be worse for her and for Harm if she tried to stand in the way of his effort to keep his wings. It was with these thoughts in her mind that she dozed off into sleep.
Harm arrived home a short while later and found his wife and baby asleep on the sofa. He tried not to make a lot of noise as the transport folks wheeled him back to the bedroom, but being a mother Mac was attuned to his arrival and awakened as the medics were leaving.
"Harm?" she called out instinctively wanting to know where he was.
"Back here, babe" he called back.
"Did I fall asleep?" she asked him, rising with the baby in her arms.
"Sure looked like it to me" he called down the hall. "You feeling okay?" he asked when she reached the bedroom.
"Not bad" she replied. "I'm tired, but otherwise I'm okay."
"How's my baby girl doing this afternoon?" he asked.
"The daycare teacher said she was playing with the rattle today" Mac smiled. "I think she wore herself out. Want to hold her for a bit?"
"Of course I do" he answered with a smile. "Come here, beautiful."
Ainsley opened her heavy eyes a bit as Mac handed her off to Harm. She managed to focus in on her daddy's face and give him one of her special smiles.
"That smile is gonna break hearts one day, Ainsley" he said softly. "At least, your daddy thinks so." He leaned down to give her little head a kiss.
Ainsley nuzzled a bit into Harm's warmth, stretched her arms, and let out a yawn.
"I agree, baby girl" said Harm through a yawn of his own. "I'm beat" he said to Mac. "I think we'll just take a little nap here until dinner time. Is that okay?"
"That's fine by me" Mac said. "I have to do some more reading on the case from Hell. I'm not too hungry though, so just let me know what you feel like. I'm not cooking."
"I'll just have a sandwich later on" he said, holding the baby close and closing his eyes.
"When's Mattie due home?" Mac asked as she headed for the door.
"Not for a few more hours" replied a very sleepy Harm. "Some group meeting after school."
"Or a date" she sighed as she left the room so Harm could get his rest.
"Nope, not a date" he called out softly. "She knows better..."
"We'll see" Mac said before she sat down to work.
Mac sat down and read over the file again, still astounded by the evil necessary to commit such an act. She sat with a soda and a bag of pretzels, picking at them for about an hour when she felt her stomach lurch. Quickly she rose and headed for the bathroom hand clutched over her mouth.
"Mac?" called Harm as he awakened from his nap just in time to hear her in the bathroom.
"Uh huh" she said in between rounds of sickness.
"You okay?" he called out, causing Ainsley to stir. He gently laid the baby on the bed in hopes she'd fall back to sleep. Very carefully, he began getting out of bed to go check on his wife when he heard the bathroom door open.
Mac was pale and unsteady but moved quickly for him. "I'm fine, honey. I think it was just the pictures in that case file, and the pretzels."
"I'm not so sure you're 'fine'" he said. "You've felt lousy for the last few days, and that worries me, babe."
"Its just stress that's all" Mac said making light of how awful she really did feel. "You've been sick, Mattie is acting up, the baby is demanding and this case...let's just say I will not make a deal with this devil."
"I'm sorry you can't tell me anything about the case" he said. "Obviously it's weighing on you if you're getting this sick over it. Anything I can do to help in any way?"
"Its nothing I want to talk about" Mac replied. "Let's just say this, every time I read it or look at it, it makes me sick, and I just want to hug our baby every second. That's all I can say."
"Come here" he said tenderly, opening his arms to her. "You need a hug."
"I do" she sighed and leaned into his embrace. When she pulled back she smiled softly. "I want you to lie down again. Then we have to make some decisions about the surgery."
He placed a kiss on the top of her head. "If you'll go throw together a peanut butter and jelly for me" he said, "and bring it back here with a big glass of milk, we'll have that talk, okay?"
"Okay" Mac nodded. "I'll be..." She trailed off again as the dizzy spell that usually followed the nausea came upon her. "Be right back."
"You sure you're okay, Mac?" he asked, his concern growing by the minute.
"I'm fine, sweetie" she said with a smile. "Go lie down."
Mac went to the kitchen, moving slowly, and managed to put Harm's snack together without incident. Still she did not wish to tempt her moody stomach with food so she opted for only a glass of Sprite. "Here's your sandwich" she smiled when she returned to the bedroom and handed him the plate before she sat down beside him.
"Thanks, sweetheart" he replied, taking the food from her and taking a bite of the sandwich. "Come sit with me" he said, moving over just enough to make space for her on his side of the bed. "Tell me what you're thinking."
"Other than that I'm a very lucky woman?" she asked smiling.
He smiled back at her. "Yes, babe, other than that."
"I'm thinking that I can't get those dreams out of my head. That I'm scared for you, for us. This surgery is dangerous." She sighed, and reached out to play with Ainsley's hand. "Is it worth it?"
Harm was quiet for a moment. "Well, I have to have one or the other of those operations he talked about today. One of them is guaranteed to end my Naval aviation career forever; the other is the only hope I have at possibly keeping that career. I love to fly, Mac, and I've never been completely without my wings since I got them. So, I have to say yeah, it's...it's worth it to me."
"But you could end up in a wheelchair" Mac sighed. "Or you could get an infection, meningitis is serious. It could kill you or disable you...Honey, just think about that."
"I have" he said. "Believe me, I've thought about all of those awful possibilities ever since the first time any doctor ever mentioned surgery for this. I'm willing to take the risk, but I understand that it's not just my life I have to take into consideration anymore. Your opinion, your feelings matter here, Mac. Tell me outright, do you want me to have the riskier operation or not?"
"Do I want you too, absolutely not" Mac replied. "Do I understand why you need to?" she sighed. "Yeah. Because I know this - if you lose your wings without a fight, you won't be the man I married. If you try to save them and get overrun, then at least you know you tried. If it doesn't make a difference to you then go with the easier surgery, but if the really matters, and I know it does, I'll agree with you no matter what. You have to choose, Harm. And I'll be beside you."
He nodded as her words sank in. "You know" he said, "this sounds an awful lot like the conversations we used to have about how far to take the fertility treatments. We had to decide how far we were willing to go and what we were willing to risk in order to get what we wanted." He looked down at Ainsley, who was now awake and lying contently on the mattress beside him. "Just think..."
"I know...As much as I hate it, you have to do this" Mac said as a tear leaked out of her eyes. "We never were the type to run from a fight."
"No, we never were" he agreed, reaching up to wipe away her tear. "Like I said to you the night we tried for the first time to get pregnant, we'll never know if we don't try."
Mac took a deep breath and leaned into his hand. "So we're doing this then?"
"We're doing this" he said, bringing her face closer to his so he could give her a kiss.
Mac returned the kiss then smiled. "What are you waiting for? Call him."
"I'll call in the morning" he promised her. "Why don't you go take a hot bath before it's time to get the baby ready for bed?"
Mac shook her head. "I don't feel like it."
"What do you feel like, my love?" he asked gently.
"Harm, I don't know" she sighed. "I don't know. I'm tired, so tired and my stomach feels crazy. Right now...I know this sounds weird but I want to cry."
He held his arms open to her again. "Then do it" he said. "Come here and cry."
And she did. She leaned into his strong arms and sobbed like her life depended on it. She had no idea why or what was wrong, all she knew is she was overwhelmed with the desire to cry her eyes out.
Harm held her close and rubbed his hand against her back as she cried. She was completely overwhelmed by her life, by taking care of the baby and taking care of him. Mattie was a big help, most of the time, but even she couldn't relieve enough of the burden on Mac to make her feel better. The case she was working on, the one that she couldn't bring herself to talk about, was obviously tearing at her soul, and he wished he could help her somehow. All he could do, though, was continue to hold her close, rub her back and let her know he was there for her.
Finally the shuddering stopped and the sobbing became quiet and Mac lifted her wet face to look into Harm's eyes. "Thank you. I really needed to do that."
"I'm glad you feel better" he said, wiping away the few remaining tears as they fell from her eyes. "Do you have a lot of work left to do tonight, or can we turn in early?"
"I have a bit more to do and I don't want to go to bed until Mattie comes home" Mac replied. "I'm sorry I'm getting all crazy on you. I'm just so tired and sick" she sighed covering her mouth with her hand again only this time she managed to choke the nausea down.
"You're sick because you've got too many irons in the fire" he said. "Please, for my sake and Ainsley's and Mattie's, most of all for your sake, please slow down some. I can't go into this surgery if I don't know that you're feeling as good as you can feel."
"And how do you suggest I slow down?" Mac asked. "I have a baby to take care of, a career, then there's you and Mattie. Someone has to keep the house running, Harm" Mac said this in a way that made it obvious she was now upset with him.
"I understand all that, Mac" he said carefully, "I really do. I also understand that you're going to run yourself right into the ground if you can't either find a way to spread around some of the responsibilities somehow, or find something that you can do everyday that relaxes and refreshes you; some way you can recharge your mind and relax a little."
She nodded and sagged against him. "I hate to ask you this, honey..."
"It's okay" he encouraged. "Go ahead."
"Can you bathe her and give her a bottle?" Mac asked. "I just want to go to sleep."
"Sure, I can do that" he said, "but you haven't had anything to eat yet tonight. Aren't you hungry?"
"I'm just tired" she murmured. "I just want to lie down."
"Okay" he said softly. "I'll take care of her, you go to bed. Do you want me to get up with her if she wakes up during the night?"
"Please...unless you hurt too much." Mac sighed. "There are at least three bottles in the freezer." She had already laid down and placed her head on the pillow.
"Okay" he said, leaning over the baby between them to give Mac a good night kiss. "I'll get into the chair and go give her a bath. Call if you need me."
Her only reply was a light sigh as she fell into a deep sleep.
The weekend passed relatively uneventfully, except that Mac's ailments continued to plague her. She was sick all day on and off, exhausted and dizzy. By Monday morning, as she dressed for work after another bout of sickness, Harm was in full worry mode.
"Please make an appointment, babe" he asked. "You've either got that bug that's going around, you're under too much stress for your body to handle, or something is really wrong with you and I'm worried."
"Harm, stop worrying. It's just this case as soon as its over and you have the surgery I'll be okay again" Mac replied as she attached her insignia to her uniform.
He knew she was truly stressed over those two things in particular, and though it didn't ease his concern any, he agreed to give her the benefit of the doubt. "Make you a deal" he said. "If you don't feel better within 3 days after the last of those things is over, you'll go to the doctor."
"Okay" Mac replied. "That's a deal I can live with. It gives me a week to shake this thing." She walked over to his bedside. "You sure you've got her today?" Mac asked referring to their daughter who was sleeping in her seat.
He nodded. "We'll be fine; you're only gone 4 hours."
"Maybe a bit longer" Mac replied. "I have opening arguments today." She leaned over and gave him a kiss. "Try to keep out of trouble okay."
"Will do" he said, returning her kiss. "I love you."
"Me too," she smiled and kissed the baby. "Be good for daddy."
Ainsley cut her daddy a break and slept in her seat for another hour after Mac left for work. When she awoke, Harm had just finished reading his newspaper, and was ready to head to the kitchen to fix himself breakfast. He tried not to spend too much time out of bed, other than when he was using the bathroom or taking care of the baby. With Ainsley awake, he took her in his lap and wheeled the both of them to the kitchen, adding "warming a bottle" to the short list of things he needed to do in there. No sooner had he finished warming it and begun feeding her than the phone rang. With expert grace, he managed to keep the bottle in Ainsley's mouth as he wheeled over to answer the call.
"Rabb" he said.
"Commander, this is General Creswell" the stern Marine's voice came on the line.
"Yes, sir" said Harm. "Is something wrong, General?"
"I'm afraid so, Commander" he replied. "I wanted you to be aware your wife fainted in court this morning."
"She what?" exclaimed Harm, instantly regretting letting her go to work knowing she was sick. "Is she okay, sir?"
"She was out of it for about ten minutes" he replied. "She refused to go to the hospital so Mrs. Roberts is driving her home. I just wanted you to be aware she was unconscious for at least two minutes and was still very shaky when she left here. This is the second time this happened."
"Second time? General, I didn't know anything about the first time, sir" said Harm, looking down to make sure Ainsley was still taking her bottle. "She hasn't been feeling well lately, but she doesn't want to see the doctor and knowing she's under so much stress, I haven't pushed her to."
"I understand, but I can't have my lawyers passing out in court and I cannot have them on the job if they are not up to par" General Creswell outlined. "She is under orders to see a doctor tomorrow."
"Is she aware of this, General?" asked Harm.
"She is, and now you are too. She is to report to Bethesda in the morning that is an order for her and for you" the General said firmly.
"Understood, Sir" said Harm. "I expect she'll be home soon, and I'll make sure she knows that I know of the order."
"Thank you, Commander" the General replied. "Take care of her okay?"
"Will do, sir" replied Harm.
"Good man" the General replied before ending the call.
Mac rested her head against the van's headrest as Harriet expertly maneuvered the vehicle through the streets.
"Bud didn't call Harm, did he?" Mac asked wearily.
"I'm about certain someone did" Harriet replied. "And with good reason. You fainted, Mac. Harm needs to know that."
"He'll worry" Mac sighed. "He has enough on his mind with the operation on Friday."
"I know, but you won't be any good to him sick" Harriet reasoned.
"I'm not good to myself like this" Mac sighed. "I'm tired all the time, and I'm always dizzy and nauseous. I'm yelling and snapping at people, that is when I'm not crying hysterically…"
Harriet listened to the litany of Mac's symptoms and smiled. "Are you late?"
"Late? No, the General…"
Harriet cut her off. "I don't mean time late, I mean late."
Mac considered Harriet's query a moment. She hadn't had her period since the baby was born, but given her condition there was no telling. Could it be? Could it really be possible? She was almost afraid to hope. On the other hand it would be a wonderful surprise for Harm as he recovered. The least she could do was find out.
"Harriet, can we make a stop first?"
Harriet smiled and nodded taking the first U-turn and pulled into the drug store parking lot. Twenty minutes later the pair emerged with three early pregnancy tests.
"Are you sure you need three tests?" Harriet asked.
"Well, I want to be sure before I tell Harm" Mac replied.
"When are you going to do them?" Harriet asked.
"Tonight" Mac replied. "I'll call you in the morning and let you know. You can help me make it special, telling Harm I mean."
"You're telling the man you love that you are having his baby" Harriet smiled. "No matter how you do it, it will be special."
"I suppose" Mac sighed. "Oh this is so exciting! Its like, I knew but I didn't. I can already feel him growing inside of me..."
"Whoa..." Harriet interjected. "Find out first, then think pink or blue. Okay?"
"Okay" Mac smiled and got into the van. "I know its okay...I really do. It feels okay to hope.
"Still..." Harriet cautioned. "I wouldn't say anything until you are sure."
"I know" Mac sighed. "Mom's the word, huh?"
Not too much later, with the pregnancy tests safely stuffed in her briefcase, Mac arrived home. She felt sick and tired, but still she was elated. She knew Harm would worry when she came in, so she took a deep breath and squared her shoulders to keep up the appearance of being "fine."
He was waiting for her on the couch, having gotten Ainsley to sleep in her swing. "Why didn't you tell me you fainted in court the other day?" he asked, foregoing any type of traditional greeting.
"Because I didn't think that was something you needed to know" Mac replied. "It was nothing."
"Nothing?" exclaimed Harm. "Mac, it'd be nothing if you got a paper cut or they were out of paper towels in the ladies room. Fainting is a big deal, and in court nonetheless? Very big deal, sweetie!"
"But I was fine after, Harm" Mac replied. "And I'm fine now. Everyone is just overreacting."
"You can say you're fine all you want to" he stated, "but that doesn't mean it's true, nor does it mean I believe it, nor does it mean you can disobey the General's order that you see a doctor tomorrow."
"I'm not seeing a doctor" Mac said firmly. "We had a deal."
"Never mind our deal, Mac" he said. "Our deal didn't take into account you fainting twice. The General ordered you to go and I to make sure you went. Sorry, my love, but you're going."
Mac moved over to the sofa and flopped down. "I don't want to go and I don't want to fight" she sighed. "I'm fine, Harm. Really, its just stress."
"Tell me this" he said gently. "If I was the one fainting in court and feeling lousy for a solid week, wouldn't you be the one asking me to see the doctor?"
"Asking is the operative word" Mac sighed. "You didn't ask."
Harm had a surprised look on his face. "I most certainly did ask, Mac! I asked all last week, and each time I asked, you said you were fine and it was just stress. Maybe it is just stress, but I'm not happy to get a call from our CO telling me my wife passed out in court, again! I'm worried about you, sweetheart, that's all."
"Fine" she sighed. "I understand you are worried, and as such I'd like you to please leave me alone."
"I don't want to do that, babe" he said, reaching out his hand to touch her leg.
"Okay, then stop pushing me and help me relax. If I can relax I'll feel better, you'll see" Mac smiled softly. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling pretty good" he said, realizing that she wasn't open to discussing herself any further at that point. "I know the worst is behind us now; the pain's just not bad at all anymore unless I move wrong."
"I'm glad to hear that, but I have to admit I'm a little upset by that too" she sighed and closed her eyes hiding her wicked smile.
"You're upset that I'm not in pain anymore?" he asked in amazement. "Please tell me that's not what you mean!"
"It's what I mean" she replied biting down hard now not to reveal her motivation.
"It...why...? No..." he said, trying to hide a smile of his own. "I know you don't mean that, now fess up before I'm forced to resort to more aggressive tactics to get the information out of you."
Mac would normally welcome the more aggressive tactics, but she was just too tired. "All I mean is that I no longer have an excuse to give you three massages a day anymore. Back pain has its pluses."
He smiled. "I suppose it does" he said, "but I can't think of anything we've had to do in the past couple of weeks that we couldn't do once the pain is a thing of the past; maybe we'll even enjoy it..."
"Not right now, sailor" she sighed and started to lever herself up. She could hardly wait to go take the tests.
"Are you hungry?" he asked. "I can heat up the leftovers from last night."
"Not hungry" she replied. "I need to use the bathroom then I'm going to take a shower and a nap. Maybe was can make tuna casserole for dinner?"
"Sounds good" he said. "I'll stay out here for awhile. She should sleep a couple more hours - you wanna feed her when she wakes up or you want me to give her another bottle?"
"If I'm sleeping give her a bottle. Check before you do that though okay?" Mac replied taking her briefcase and her body and moving towards the bedroom.
"Get some rest, babe" he said. "I'll come check on you when she wakes up. I love you."
Mac didn't reply, she just nodded her head and disappeared into the bedroom, too intent on the possibility of having a baby to really register anything he said.
Harm remained on the couch and watched Ainsley sleep in her swing. He was worried about Mac; really worried. It wasn't until a few minutes passed that it occurred to him that she hadn't returned his "I love you" before heading to the bedroom. "She must really be out of it" he said to himself. As he watched the baby swing move back and forth, he drifted off for a short nap.
As soon as Mac was safely locked in the master bathroom, she stripped her uniform and turned on the shower water. She had to have an excuse to sit in the bathroom for a while, and what better than a hot shower. She took out the first test, read the directions carefully, and then proceeded to do what she needed to do. This one was easy, a plus sign if you're pregnant, minus sign if you are not pregnant. Couldn't get easier than that.
While the first test developed Mac timed it in her head. She would know in three minutes, and it was a very long three minutes until finally her internal bell said it was time. Holding her breath she looked at the window and saw a bright red minus sign staring her in the face.
"Well, its only the one" she reasoned. "I'll drink some water and shower. Then I'll take the next one."
She threw the negative test back into the package and tossed the package back into the bag. "Better reload" she said to herself, grabbing the cup from the counter and filling it to the top with water. She drank four cups of water, then took off the remainder of her uniform and climbed into the shower. She needed a little time to think, plus a shower always relaxed her. Seeing the negative result on the first test had shaken her hopes some, but not enough to dissuade her from taking another test, and certainly not enough to kill all her hopes of a miracle.
A while later the water she drank combined with the chill of exiting a hot shower was enough to make doing the second test possible. Mac took it out of the box and read its directions. This one was a 'one line if no, two lines if yes' type of test. With high hopes she took the second test and waited the prescribed four minutes.
"I have to be pregnant" she reasoned. "Like Harriet said, I have all the symptoms. And if I'm not…No, I have to be." Still after waiting five minutes, only one line appeared in the box. Another negative.
Frustrated and a little depressed, Mac took the second test and hid it away in her briefcase. She'd wait before the third test, maybe if she did it after a few hours...She pulled on her sweats, and carefully hiding the case and the tests - used and unused - Mac headed for the bed.
"So what if both tests were negative?" Mac sighed. "Maybe they were old ones. Maybe I didn't get the stick wet enough. I still have the third test. That one...that ones going to be the one." It was with these thoughts in her head that Mac drifted off to sleep dreaming of toy trucks and mud pies and a tiny little boy with Harm's blue eyes and Flyboy smile.
"I guess she's asleep, Ainsley Bear" whispered Harm as the baby fussed in his arms. She'd awakened a few minutes earlier, and he'd gotten her out of the swing and changed her diaper before rolling in to check on Mac. "Let's go get a bottle, okay?"
As Harm sat and fed the baby yet another bottle, the front door opened and slammed shut hard.
"Hey, careful there" said Harm as Mattie came into the living room. "Mac's sleeping."
"Again?" Mattie exclaimed. "God...That's all she ever does."
"I beg your pardon?" said Harm, taken aback at his daughter's demeanor. "If something's eating at you, I suggest you hash it out with me and get it out of your system, because Mac's not feeling well and is in no mood for any of this kind of stuff." He took the bottle from Ainsley's mouth and moved her up for a burp.
"Whatever" Mattie grumbled. "You know, you really changed since you married her."
"Well, I'd like to think so" he said as he patted Ainsley's back. "Somehow, though, I get the feeling you aren't meaning that as a compliment. What's wrong, Mats?"
"Nothing" she snapped. "Only my entire life is over and it's all her fault!"
"Whoa, back it up a bit" said Harm. "Sit down" he said, pointing to the chair across from the couch. "How did anything Mac did bring about an end to your life?"
"You only punished me this weekend because I wasn't nice to her" Mattie said with her arms folded. "If it were you and me, you never would have done that."
"I seem to recall a few times when it was just you and I" said Harm, resituating the baby in his arms and giving her the bottle again, "and you did something wrong and I most certainly did punish you. Do the words 'spring formal' ring a bell?" She'd stayed out 5 hours past her curfew that night, and when he couldn't reach her on her cell phone, he went out to find her. After looking for an hour, his cell phone rang; it was Mattie calling him from her and Jen's apartment. Once he got home and hugged her a few times, then gave her a lecture lasting no less than 30 minutes, she was grounded for the next 6 weeks.
"Yeah, but still..." Mattie sighed. "You would never have held me to it when the most important day of my life was that weekend."
"I'm clearly missing something here" he said. "I've been a little out of touch with the outside world these last couple weeks, but to miss the most important day of my daughter's life, that's pretty bad."
"You see, you really don't care anymore. You just care about Mac and Ainsley, that's it" she said, voice dripping with contempt. "Dave, remember? He asked me out for last Saturday?"
"Mattie" he said, "I know you're upset, but please don't tell me who I do and don't care about. I love you just as much as I love your sister here, and you know that. I love Mac differently, just as I'm supposed to because she's my wife. The fact that you didn't get to go out with Dave doesn't have any bearing at all on who loves whom in this family, is that understood?"
Mattie didn't answer him, she just stared at the floor and let two tears fall.
"Come here" he said softly, taking the almost empty bottle out of the baby's mouth and putting her to his shoulder to burp again. "Mats, please?
Slowly Mattie walked to her dad and let out a hard sob. "He wouldn't talk to me today, Daddy. He just ignored me" she sobbed. "I'm sorry for what I said. I..."
"Shh" he said, putting his free arm around her. "I'm sorry you're so upset, and I'm sorry that he didn't talk to you today. If he really cared about you, he'd have asked you what happened and not ignored you; you know that, right?"
She nodded. "But I really wanted him to care about me. I really did."
He held her close as she cried. "I know" he said. "But you don't want to be with anyone who treats you like he did today; who ignores you because he didn't get to go out with you one night. You deserve so much better than that, sweetheart."
Mattie nodded and her tears began to slow. "I didn't mean what I said, about you not caring about me anymore. I know you do; sometimes, I guess I'm not sure of my place in your life anymore."
"What are you talking about?" asked Harm, taking his arm from around Mattie long enough to reposition Ainsley in his lap.
"I know it's crazy" she said, wiping her eyes, "but sometimes, usually the bad times, I feel like you have to love me differently than you love Ainsley because she's yours and-"
Harm cut her off. "And so are you, Mattie. Just because Ainsley is biologically mine doesn't make me love her any differently than I love you. It's love that makes a family, not blood; I thought you knew that."
She nodded. "I do know that, dad" she said, "but sometimes I get angry and I let it fade to the back of my mind. I know you and Mac had to go through a lot to get Ainsley, but you had to go through a lot to get me, too. Different stuff, but it was still draining and hard and you did it by choice, just like you chose to do what it took to have her."
"That's right" he said with a smile. "We built our family differently than a lot of couples do, but we just did the best we could with the circumstances we were handed. It may not be the way we would've chosen to do things if God had asked us our opinion going in, but I'm sure glad things played out like they did, because I have three of the most wonderful girls in my life that I ever could have wished for."
Mattie leaned her head against her dad's shoulder. "I love you so much; you know that, don't you?"
"Of course" he said. "You know it's mutual, right?"
"Dad" she said, "do you really have to ask?"
He leaned over and kissed the top of her head, then leaned to the other side and brought Ainsley up for a kiss. "Nope" he said. "Some things are just that obvious."
Mac slept for the better part of three hours before the aroma of Harm's tuna casserole awakened her. She rolled over in bed and stretched a bit before getting up and heading for the bathroom. "Oh yeah" she said to herself, "better hold it till after dinner." She knew that the longer she held it, the greater concentrated it would be, meaning if she was in fact pregnant, more of the hormone would show up in the test.
"Hey" said Harm when Mac walked into the kitchen. "I was just getting ready to come wake you for dinner. Sleep well?"
"Mm-hmm" she said. "Are you sure you're not over-doing it today? You've been sitting up a lot more than usual."
"I'm fine, babe" he said. "It just seems like I've been up a lot because every time you've seen me, I happened to be up, that's all."
"Just be careful" she said as she took her chair at the table. "You're doing so well, let's not mess anything up."
"Indeed not" he agreed as the oven timer went off. "Mattie, can you get the casserole out for me, please?"
"Sure" she replied, opening the drawer to get the mitts.
"Mattie actually fixed dinner tonight" said Harm. "I supervised, but she did all the work."
"That's nice" said Mac, clearly not concentrating on the here and now. "Where's the baby?"
"On her play mat in the living room" said Harm. "She had a bottle about two hours ago and she's been up since then."
"Did you make sure I wasn't awake before you fed her?" asked Mac, rising from her chair to go check on her daughter.
"Sure did" said Harm. "You were out cold."
"I must have been" she said. "I didn't hear you come in or hear her cry or anything."
"I had her with me when I went in" said Harm as Mattie closed the oven door and turned the knobs to the off position. "If you didn't hear that, you were in another world."
He had no idea how accurate his choice of words was.
"I guess so" Mac sighed. "How was school, Mattie?"
"Could've been better" she answered. "How are you feeling? You had to come home early, right?"
"Yes, but I'm okay" Mac replied. "Just..." Again she had to stop halfway and grab onto the table. "Tired."
Mattie looked over at Harm, who could do nothing but shake his head. He wanted to help her, but didn't know how.
"So, you said you're day was not great" Mac said. "What happened?"
"Oh, it's nothing really" said Mattie, looking in the drawer for a spatula to serve the casserole with. "The guy I didn't go out with last Saturday, Dave, turns out he's not as wonderful as I thought."
"They're never as wonderful as you think they are," Mac replied.
"Hey now!" exclaimed Harm with a little laugh. "I resent that remark, my dear."
"You have your moments, Flyboy" Mac replied. "You can be very charming when you don't get your way."
"Ah yes" he said, "my charm, the one thing I believe you said at one time that you were immune to?"
"I am immune" Mac replied. "If I don't want to be affected, I won't be."
"I think that's a challenge there, dad" said Mattie with a smile.
Mac smiled faintly, and then sat down. "So, what does a person have to do to eat around here?"
"Nothing special" said Mattie as she served the casserole onto the plates at the table. "Do you want any salad?"
"No, I'm not very hungry, but maybe if I eat the world will stop moving" Mac sighed. "That, and if I don't feed the baby next time, I'll explode."
"Ooh" said Harm, "I'm sorry sweetie. I should have woken you up last time. I didn't even think about how uncomfortable you'd be. My fault, I'm sorry."
"Not everything is your fault Harm!" Mac said her edginess creeping into her voice making her tone harsher than she intended.
He looked at her, unsure of where that came from. "Uh, okay" he said, choosing to keep his response simple and focus on his meal instead.
Mac more played with her food than ate it, the anticipation of doing the third and final test too much for her. It was all she could do to make suitable conversation during the meal.
"That was really good, Mattie" said Harm as he finished the last of the food on his plate. "It's also nice to be back at the table; eating in the bedroom gets old after the first week."
"And yet you want to have your back fixed so you can start destroying it again" Mac said. She seemed to have a foot in mouth disease tonight.
"Did I do something to make you mad?" he asked her calmly. "I'm just making conversation and you're taking my head off."
"Damn it! Why do you always have to stay so calm?" she spat out, having not idea where her mood was coming from.
"Someone needs to" he said, fighting to remain calm. "I know you don't feel well, sweetie, but this isn't called for."
Mac pushed away from the table; "I'm going to feed my daughter" she announced and left the room with both Mattie and Harm staring at her.
"Dad" Mattie said after a moment. "Don't get mad, but what's with her?"
He sat shaking his head as he watched Mac go into the living room, pick up Ainsley and head for the nursery. "I wish I knew, kiddo" he said. "Something's going on with her; that much is for sure."
"Don't talk about me like I can't hear you" Mac called across the room. "I'm tired and I don't feel well and I'm entitled to act however I choose."
Neither Harm nor Mattie dared comment any further.
Mac sat in the nursery with Ainsley at her breast, but the baby refused to latch on and nurse. It was as if she sensed the tension in her mother's body, and instead of eating she chose to wail and squirm in fervent protest.
"What's the matter, baby?" Mac asked gently. "You know Mommy is kind of nervous huh?" At the sound of Mac's voice Ainsley stopped fussing but still wouldn't feed.
"I really want to give you a brother, sweetie, and daddy a son. I really want that, you know?" she asked as she tried to guide her breast into the baby's mouth once again. This time she caught on and began to suck.
Harm left Mattie to take care of the dishes, and he went down the hall to check on Mac. He knew he was asking for another verbal beating, but he was so concerned about her that he didn't care.
"She's eating?" he said when he reached the nursery. "Didn't think she was hungry already."
"She's eating" Mac replied. "She's getting bigger; she's going to nurse more."
"Makes sense" he said, reaching out to touch Ainsley's little head. "Are you sure there's nothing I can do to make you feel better, Mac? You're not acting like yourself, you're taking my head off for no good reason, not to mention the fainting episode - I hate not knowing what's wrong, sweetie."
"You want to make me feel better?" Mac asked him.
He nodded. "Of course I do."
"Then leave me alone" Mac requested. "Please. I need time to myself."
He once more nodded. "Okay, I'll be in the living room if you need me."
"Harm!" she called before he left the room completely.
He stopped the motion of the wheelchair and turned his head to face her. "What, babe?"
"I...I'm sorry" Mac apologized. "I'm just a little tired of being tired."
"It's okay" he said. "I understand what you mean. I'm so tired of being either in bed, on the couch or in this chair I could scream. No one likes not feeling their best. I just wish I could make you feel better."
"When I know how you can do that, I'll let you know" Mac replied. "Go lie on the couch a bit. I want you out of that chair, okay?"
"That's where I'm headed" he said with a little smile. "I'll be so glad when the surgery is over and I can give this wretched thing back to Bud forever."
Mac let him go before she replied to that comment with a long sigh. "Hopefully."
A/N: I know - such an evil place to break up a chapter, but I'll post the next one within a couple of days! Is Mac pregnant? Is she not pregnant? Will Harm have to give up his wings?It'll all be answered in the next couple chapters. :)