Disclaimer: They'll never be mine...sigh...
A/N: Thank you for the reviews! You have no idea how nice a feeling it is for me to log on in the morning and see that not only are folks reading my story, but they're taking a moment to let me know their thoughts about it. :) I've gotten suggestions from a few folks that maybe it's time to wrap up the story beacuse it's gotten sooooo long. I've honestly batted that idea around for a few chapters before now, but I opted to keep going for now because I've got a few (what I think are) good storylines open and I want to see them through. I hate that the show ended with what was, to me, a very haphazardly thrown-together ending, and I won't do that to myself or to all of you folks who've shown such genuine interest in The Journey. SO...although this story has gone on MUCH longer than I initially envisioned, I'm going to see it through to the end, and I'd be honored if you all would stick with me as we get closer to the conclusion! If it's gotten to be too long and cumbersome for you, I completely understand, but if you're interested in the rest, please stick around:) As I've said before, the final chapter is already mentally written, and I know exactly how everything will play out, so if that catches your attention, I'm glad:)
Another big hug to my muse pal, my buddy and my friend, LadyCommish. :)
Chapter 81:
Once Ainsley was finished eating and had been burped, Mac took her back out to the living room and gave her to Harm before heading back to the master bathroom, where the last of the three pregnancy test kits awaited her. After two definite negative tests, her hopes were lower than they'd initially been, but not completely dashed by any means. She made sure the door was locked before leaning back against the counter and reading the directions carefully. This was a digital test, which was supposed to literally show the word "pregnant" or "not pregnant" as a result.
Having held her urine as long as any human probably could at this point, there was no way that this test could fail. Whatever it was, it was. Carefully, Mac proceeded to take the test, and then as she waited she busied herself with brushing her teeth and washing her face until finally the time was up and she could find out, once and for all, her fate.
She closed her eyes and held her breath looking until she'd raised the test to eye level then biting her lip she opened her eyes and what she saw gutted her. Not pregnant. Those had to be the two cruelest words in the world. "Well, I guess that's it" Mac sighed biting back tears. Harm could not know about this. No reason to devastate him too and further no reason to make her look stupid which she obviously was to think it ever could be pregnant, it was a miracle she even did it once. Angry, at herself and her body she threw the test in the box and hid it with the others.
Emotionally and physically exhausted after having her hopes dashed and her soul filleted, Mac went to her bed and lay down. It was in that position that she remained while Mattie and Harm gave Ainsley a bath and bottle and put her to bed. It was in that position Harm found her when he came to bed two hours later.
He was able to get himself into bed now, the flare up being mostly over. Carefully, he stood up from the wheelchair and climbed into bed, pulling the covers up partway. He leaned over to check on Mac. Noting her still silence and figuring she was asleep, he simply kissed her shoulder. "Sleep well, beautiful" he whispered before returning to his position on his back.
Mac heard his tender words and thought once again about how much she wanted to have his baby again and how much she wanted to surprise him. He deserved a normal life, a baby in an easy and natural way, not with clinics and tests and doctors. It was so unfair. So terribly unfair. Why couldn't she have a baby like everyone else? Hadn't they both suffered enough?
With these thoughts in her head and listening to Harm's gentle breathing signaling that he was close to sleep she finally let out the sob she was holding in. With that one came and another and another until she had passed sad and moved to hysterical.
It took him all of two seconds to realize she was crying, and he rolled over towards her as quickly as he dared to. "Mac? Baby, what's wrong?" he asked, placing his hands in her shoulders, which were shaking as she sobbed into her hands. Her back was still to him, but he knew she was falling apart and he wanted to do anything he possibly could.
She couldn't answer him and she didn't want to. She just continued to cry.
He rubbed her shoulders and her back gently, his heart breaking. "It's okay" he said. "Just let it out, babe. I'm here, its okay." He had no idea what had her so devastated, but he knew the only place he wanted to be just then was right beside her.
"No its not" she sobbed. "Nothing is okay. I'm not okay and I never will be" she cried gasping for breath with each word.
"Oh, baby" he said softly. "That's not true. What happened? Did I do something that hurt you? Mattie?"
She didn't answer she just cried harder, so hard that she wasn't able to draw a proper breath, she only occasionally gasped for oxygen.
Harm's heart was breaking within his chest at the sight and sound of Mac's sobbing. "Please, sweetie" he said as he continued to rub her back softly, "roll over so I can hold you. You don't have to talk to me if you don't want to, but let me hold you."
She didn't do that either. She couldn't. Her body weighed too much and she couldn't get enough air. The only she wanted to do; the only thing she could do was lie there and cry.
With a sigh, Harm laid his body against hers, draping his left arm over her body, pulling her as close as he could in that position. "Shh..." he said quietly. "Whatever it is, baby, I'm sorry."
Finally she was able to utter a few words. "I'm...so…stt…upid."
"No, you're not stupid" he whispered. "Why do you think you are?"
"I knew it couldn't be, but I...I wanted it so much" she cried speaking in between gasps and sobs.
He couldn't figure out what she was talking about. "What did you want, sweetheart?" he asked her, holding her as close as ever.
"A baby" she sobbed out. Saying the words though made the wound gush and if possible she cried even harder not making any sound at all or drawing any air.
He thought for a moment. "Baby? We can have another baby, Mac. We talked it all out, remember? We'll go see Dr. Kendall as soon as-"
She shook her head, as speech was impossible. Finally she managed a plaintive "no."
Poor Harm was confused as ever. Slowly, though, he made sense of what she was trying to tell him. "You...did you think you were pregnant? Is that why you're upset?"
Thankful for his intuition into the inner recesses of her mind, she nodded.
"Oh, Mac..." he said, tightening his embrace around her. "I'm so, so sorry, sweetie. I'm so sorry that you're disappointed, and that you're in so much pain over this. Do you think you can maybe calm down a little for me so we can talk?"
She shook her head. "Don't want to."
"That's okay" he said softly, "but I do, and in order for me to talk, I need for you to calm down a little bit. Take a deep breath, okay?"
She tried to do as he asked and drew in several shaky breaths until her sobbing was manageable.
"What made you think you might be pregnant?" he asked.
"Harriet...we were talking and...I've been so sick and weepy...I thought maybe..." Mac sniffled.
"Mm-hmm" he said. "You thought it was more than just stress, huh?"
"Yes" Mac replied, still in tears. "But only today. I only thought that today."
He leaned in and gave her shoulder another soft kiss. "You were wondering if it didn't, by some miracle, happen on the honeymoon?"
Again she nodded. "But it didn't. Why didn't it?" she asked him watery eyes wide like a little girls when she asked her daddy why her fish died.
"Well" he said, "for one thing, we're just not very lucky in that department. For another, you said there wasn't even a chance of that happening that week because your cycles hadn't started up again. Did I understand that right?"
"Yes but...I thought just maybe...I wanted to tell you...to make it special and to be normal...I'm so sorry, Harm" she sobbed, once again growing distraught.
"Hey, hey" he comforted. "It's okay. I'm disappointed right along with you, sweetie. I would have loved for you to have surprised me with that news, but it wasn't meant to be and that's okay."
"I'm...I don't feel very well" she managed, her upset reaching to her stomach.
"Want me to get you a drink?" he offered.
"I feel like I'm going to be sick" Mac choked out and put her hand over her mouth.
He moved his arm from around her, allowing her to get up.
Mac dashed to the bathroom and fell to her knees. She was sick then and violently so. When she returned to the bed she was pale again and everything was spinning.
"Are you okay?" he asked her. "You don't look good, Mac. Is there anything I can get for you?"
She shook her head. "I don't want anything. There's no point in wanting anything anymore."
"Don't say that" he begged gently. "I know how upset you are and how hopeless the situation must feel to you, but we've been through this before and we got through it, and this time will be no exception. I love you so, so much Mac. I hate to see you so sad."
"Then make me pregnant" Mac cried. "That's what I want. I want to have a baby like everyone else. I want that so...much and..." She sobbed and hid her face again
He laid his head against her shoulder as she cried. "Baby" he said just loudly enough for her to hear him over her sobs, "if it'll make you feel even the tiniest bit better, we...I know we said we'd wait, but...we can try right here, right now. If you don't want to, we won't, but if it's what you need, I'll...I'll do it."
Mac sniffed and shook her head, "No. No I don't want to" she cried still unable to speak properly.
"Okay" he said softly, still holding onto her. "Sometimes, we just feel like crying and being angry, so if that's what you feel like doing, you do it. I'm right here for you."
"I don't want you to be here for me" Mac sniffed. "Just leave me alone."
"I can't do that, Mac" he replied. "I can't let you suffer like this alone. You're hurting over something that was supposed to be a part of both of us, and that means it hurts me, too."
"How?" she sobbed still not looking at him. "You don't even want another baby yet. You wouldn't have even been happy."
He gently touched her chin, turning her face towards his. "That's not true" he insisted tenderly. "I want as many more babies as God gives us, whether that's ten more or one more or anything in between, and if you'd found out tonight that we were having another one, I would have been so happy. A little shocked, but so, so happy, sweetheart. I meant what I said before, about trying. If you want to, just say the word."
"I don't want to" Mac said again sobbing harder. "I don't... Not now, maybe…not ever again…"
He knew she didn't mean that; that it was the disappointment and the frustration talking and not her heart. She didn't understand why things had to be so hard for them when it came to having babies, and even throughout the times they were trying to Ainsley, she'd hit spots where she just felt like throwing her hands into the air and giving up. He hadn't let her do that then, and he knew once she calmed down and got some rest, putting a bit of distance between herself and the emotions of that evening, she'd be the first one to take a deep breath and be ready to tackle it again. "Oh, babe" he said. "I know you feel like that now, but you don't really mean it."
"Yes I do" Mac argued. "You don't know, okay? You have no idea what's its like...what its like to hope, to believe you finally have what you want. I loved that baby already, and there is no way you can understand that."
His heart was breaking at the sight of his wife in so much pain. "Mac" he said gently, "you were in love with the idea of that baby. You...you weren't pregnant, sweetie. That baby doesn't exist yet, but as soon as you're ready, we'll do everything we can to change that."
"I told you no" she snapped. "I don't want another baby. I don't want to try again, I wanted this baby."
This was one situation that hadn't befallen them in their efforts to conceive Ainsley, and he wasn't entirely sure how to handle it; how to show his complete and total support without upsetting her further. He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry" he said, "I wish I knew what to say or do to take this pain away from you, but I don't. You're right, I don't know what it's like to be you right now, but I know what it's like to be me and to watch you cry like you are. Tell me, Mac, do you really want me to leave you alone? I don't want to, but if that's what you need - if giving you a little while to just lie here and cry will help you - I'll do just that."
"No" she whispered. "Don't leave, but don't talk okay. Just hold me tighter, please?"
With a silent nod, he did as she asked, pulling her even closer into his strong embrace. They laid there together for a couple minutes before Ainsley's cries came across the baby monitor.
"Want me to go get her for you?" he asked.
Mac shook her head and pulled herself in tighter. "You go."
"Okay" he said, placing a kiss on the top of Mac's head before carefully rolling over and getting out of bed. His back wasn't bothering him too much, but with the surgery only a few days away, he knew he still needed to move with caution. He made it out of bed and down the hall to the nursery with very little trouble, and once he'd changed her he returned to the bedroom with a fussy baby Ainsley.
"Here" he said to Mac, kneeling at her side of the bed.
Mac closed her arms tighter and shook her head.
"Come on, Mac" he encouraged. "She needs to eat, and you've only nursed her once today. Holding her will make you feel better, we both know it will."
"Give her a bottle" Mac whispered. "She won't want me now. I'm too upset."
He knew not to force the issue any further. "Okay" he said quietly as the baby continued to fuss. "I'll take her back to the nursery and feed her, and give you a little time to calm down, if you can. I'll be back in about 20 minutes."
Mac nodded and rolled to bury her face in her pillow crying hard once again at the pain of her lost dream.
Harm carried the baby to the kitchen and held her against his chest as he waited for the frozen bottle to finish in the warmer. "I'm sorry, sweet girl" he said as she fussed. "I know this isn't quite what you want, but mommy's not doing so hot, so it'll have to do." She continued to fuss, using her daddy's index finger as a pacifier until the bottle was ready. He took her back to her room and sat in the glider, rocking her gently as she ate. He was worried about Mac; she'd never not wanted to do anything with the baby before. It was just a defense mechanism, he figured. She needed a little time to finish crying things out, and then she'd be okay. She was tough and strong, and although this was a painful experience he had no doubts whatsoever that she'd end up stronger for it.
Mattie heard Harm downstairs feeding Ainsley and padded down to seek him out. She'd heard Mac crying hard for a pretty long time and was worried about her. She hadn't wanted to interfere, though, so she waited to catch Harm alone.
"Dad?" she asked sleepily from the nursery doorway.
"Oh, hey, sweetie" he said. "What is it?"
"I heard Mac crying. Is she okay?" Mattie asked wiping some sleep from her eyes. "Is she feeling sick again?"
"No, she's not sick" he said as he shifted Ainsley a little bit. "She thought she was pregnant" he said with a sigh, "but she's not, and she's not handling the disappointment very well."
"Wow, that's...You know I thought she was, too" said Mattie. "I mean that would explain all her dizziness and stuff, right?"
He nodded. "I suppose it could have. I mean, she wasn't ever like that with Ainsley, but I guess... She's not, though, and she's taking it really hard."
"Is she going to be okay?" Mattie asked. "Should I go and hug her or something. I could hear her all the way upstairs."
"I'm sorry she woke you up" he said, moving Ainsley to his shoulder for a burp. "I don't think you should go in there tonight, though. She's a wreck; that's why I'm feeding the little one here. She didn't want to do it."
"She didn't want to feed her?" Mattie asked shocked. Then she started to fidget as two fears crossed her mind.
"She just wanted a little time alone" he said, "and she asked me to feed the baby, so I did. I'm going back in there as soon as I'm done here, though. She'll be okay; I think the disappointment is hitting her a lot harder than she expected it to."
"Okay but...if she's not pregnant, what's wrong with her?" Mattie asked with a frown.
Harm looked down at Ainsley as she finished the last swallows of her milk bottle. "I don't know, kiddo" he said. "I really think it's all just stress, but she's under orders to see a doctor tomorrow, so we'll see."
"Let me know okay?" Mattie asked moving in closer to her Dad. She needed a hug.
"Count on it, Mats" he said, reaching up to wrap his arm around her. "Go on back to bed; she'll be fine."
"Tell her...Tell her I love her okay?" Mattie asked as she turned for the door.
"Will do" he said as he patted the baby's back.
"Night, dad" Mattie mumbled, heading out of the room and up the steps.
Once Ainsley had burped, Harm went and set the empty bottle on the kitchen counter before returning to the master bedroom. When he got there, he saw that Mac was still curled up in bed, her back towards him, covers up to her neck. "Hey, babe?" he said, walking around to her side of the bed.
"Hey" she mumbled, voice still tiny and small but not as strangled as it had been.
"Feel any better?" he asked softly, once again carefully kneeling down to her eye level.
"Not as sick" she replied. "But not much better." She wiped her hand over her face. "You shouldn't be kneeling like that."
"I know" he said. "Do you want to cuddle with her before I put her back down?"
"I guess so" she replied and pushed herself up.
"Well, here you go" he said with a little smile as he handed Ainsley to Mac.
As soon as Mac felt the precious weight of her little daughter in her arms the tears started to flow again as she whispered "I'm so sorry, baby."
Harm had gone around to his side of the bed and climbed in carefully. "Its okay, Mac" he said, sitting as close to her as he could. "She's not upset with you, I promise."
"I know that" Mac said. "I'm just sorry she's not enough for me. She should be."
Harm reached out and placed his hand on Mac's leg. "Sweetie, just because we have one child doesn't mean you can't want more. Where is it written that we have to be happy with only one? Some couples only want one, and that's fine. We're not among them. We want a big family; we're known that for a long time, and there's nothing at all wrong with that."
"But there is something wrong with feeling..." She stopped and bit her lip rocking the baby who was fast falling asleep.
"Feeling guilty for wanting more than this gorgeous girl right here?" he asked.
Mac shook her head. He had no idea what had been in her head, part of her didn't even want to tell him, but she knew that she'd have to in order to get past it.
"What then?" he questioned softly.
"Feeling like I did" she replied, still afraid to put it into words.
Harm looked down at Ainsley, fast asleep in Mac's arms. "I don't understand" he said.
"I felt like...after I came out of the bathroom after doing the tests and having them negative...I just wanted to lie here and never get up again. I just didn't care, I still feel like that some and that scares me" Mac whispered looking at her daughter instead of her husband.
Harm took a deep breath. "You know what?" he said gently. "I bet, if you asked a dozen women in your place if they ever felt that way in that kind of situation, most of them would say they did. This stuff we're dealing with, all the infertility junk, it's an emotional thing and it gets to both of us at some time or another. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling down and depressed today, Mac."
She gave another little sob. "I wanted it so much Harm. I could picture it. I even knew when I wanted to tell you" she said, sounding tired and defeated.
"Here" he said, reaching out to take the baby. "I'll go put her in bed, and I'll come right back and we can continue this, okay? I want to hear everything you have to say, babe."
Obediently, Mac nodded and handed him the baby. "Be careful. You're close to the surgery, you don't need a setback."
"I'm fine" he assured her, taking his daughter into his arms and rising carefully from the bed. "Want a drink while I'm out there?"
"No, thanks" she replied sliding back down and curling up again.
Harm carried Ainsley to the nursery, and gave her a goodnight kiss as he placed her into her crib before returning to Mac's side.
Mac buried her head in her pillow while she waited for Harm. She didn't have any more tears left, only pain in her heart. He was being so sweet, so gentle, and yet she still didn't know how she'd get out of bed the next morning.
"Okay" he whispered once he was at her side once more. "How did you want to tell me if the test had been positive?"
"I was going to wait until Friday" she whispered.
He leaned his head against her shoulder. "My surgery, huh?"
"When you came out and I was sitting beside you holding your hand, I was going to tell you that you were fine then I was going to tell you that you were going to be a..." He voice caught and she began crying again.
"Hey, hey" he said tenderly, rolling over a bit more so he could wrap his arms around her. "While I would have loved to hear you say that to me, it's okay that you can't just yet. Someday, though."
"I'm not sure I can go through it again" she whispered. "I don't...we got so lucky with Ainsley it only took a little while...but I'm having so many dreams about it and..."
"You can do it" he said, completely confident in Mac's ability to overcome the most difficult things life could throw at her. "I wish you didn't have to, but try this - try to focus as much as you can on the good things that came from everything we went through the first time. We have a great doctor, we've got supportive friends and family, it didn't take us a very long time to get pregnant with Ainsley, and think about the moment she was born. Wasn't that one moment worth it all? I know it was for me."
"It was" she admitted. "But...I wanted this so much. I wanted the miracle honeymoon baby. We've already been through so much...It's not fair. I wanted that baby, Harm."
"I know you did, sweetheart" he said. "I meant what I said before, and I still mean it. We can try right now if you think there's any reason to."
For the first time that night, Mac smiled a little. "That's so sweet of you, honey. But you know you really aren't ready to try right now."
He was quiet for a moment. "For my own sake" he said, "no, I'm not. But seeing you so devastated over things tonight... You and your feelings always come ahead of me and mine, Mac. If trying tonight would make you feel better, make you feel like even a bit of the pain was taken away from you, then I'd do it and have no regrets."
"But I would" she answered reaching out to touch him. "You aren't in the physical or emotional place to do that now and neither am I. And as much as I love you for wanting me to be happy and for wanting to help...I just can't right now. There's only one thing I want to do now" she said softly.
"What's that?" he whispered.
"Lay with you close, just like this, in each other's arms" Mac replied. "Everything seems okay in here, you know, like nothing can hurt us."
"I know" he said sweetly, bringing her closer into his embrace. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too" she said. "But...Harm, if I'm not pregnant..." She trailed off and let him get her meaning.
"You're over tired" he said. "Over tired and under way too much stress. Try to go to sleep, babe. I'll lie right here with my arms around you until morning if you'd like me to."
Mac nodded and closed her eyes, trying to fall asleep. After ten minutes or so though it seemed sleep was not very likely to come. She stirred in Harm's arms, "Harm?"
"Yeah?" he replied quietly.
"Can you help me?" she asked him softly.
"With what?" he asked, leaning down to give her forehead a kiss.
"Sleep. I can't sleep" she whispered to him and nuzzled closer.
"I see" he replied. "How can I help you?"
"I need to relax" Mac sighed. "All I keep thinking about is...everything that happened today."
"I'm sure" he said sympathetically. "Would a back rub help?"
"Maybe a little" she whispered. "Right between my shoulders."
"'Kay" he said, moving his arms from around her. "Lie on your tummy, if you can."
Mac gingerly rolled onto her stomach and turned her head to the side so he could get to her back.
Harm laid next to her, on his side, and began to rub the space between her shoulders. He could feel the tension in the muscles, much like she'd been able to feel it in his for the past couple of weeks. He began near her right shoulder blade and rubbed in slow, small circles, carefully rubbing out the knots as he found them. It'd been awhile since he'd been on the giving end of a back rub, and he was glad to finally be there.
"How'm I doing?" he whispered.
"Good" she answered, her voice a bit muffled by her pillow. "A little to the left."
As she requested, he moved his hands to the left side of her upper back, moving in the same slow circles as before.
"Helping any?" he asked.
"Mm-hmm" she replied. "You're good at that."
He smiled. "I think I said that same thing to you not long ago."
"Yeah" she sighed. "Move lower, please."
"Here?" he asked, moving his hands to the small of her back.
"Mm-hmm" she answered.
Instead of small circles, he used the heel of his hand to work out the tight spots he felt along her lower back. "Am I hurting you?" he asked when she jumped a little bit.
"No, it feels good" she whispered. "Your hands always feel so good."
He leaned close and kissed her cheek. "I'm glad" he said softly, continuing to rub her lower back.
She let out a tiny moan as he continued to massage her lower back and turned her head so her lips were inches from his.
He looked into her eyes, his hands becoming still against her back. Without a word, he carefully moved towards her and closed the gap between their lips, placing a tender kiss upon hers.
Mac opened her mouth to receive her husband's kiss. He was so good at this; he never made her feel pressured or scared. The feel of him near her only made her feel safe and loved. She wanted him to know that, thus she concentrated on saying that as she gently and reverently moved her lips under his.
As the kiss continued on, he gently slid his hands underneath her shirt, rubbing along her spine, across her shoulders and back down again. "I love you so much" he whispered, breaking away from the kiss for only a moment.
"I love you, too" she whispered as she shifted under his hands. "I don't..."
"Don't what?" he asked, still softly caressing her back beneath her shirt.
"I don't deserve you" she whispered to him leaning up to kiss the tip of his nose and the sides of his cheeks.
"I'm the one who should be saying that" he said with a sweet smile before returning her kisses, silently moving her flat onto her back in the process.
"Why?" she asked as she stroked his cheek and held his gaze.
"Because" he whispered, "I know I never did anything good enough to deserve the most perfect, beautiful, amazing woman in the world as my wife."
"How do you do that?" Mac asked leaning up again to give him a tiny kiss.
He flashed her a little smile. "Do what?"
"Always know what to say, how to say it, how to touch me...You always knew" she smiled softly. "Even now, at the lowest point I've been at in forever, you...you just make the hurt go away."
"That's all I ever want to do" he said, sliding his hands beneath the hem of her shirt once more, gently caressing her tummy. "If I could make it so you never had to be sad again, I'd do it."
"If I could make it so you'd never be sad or hurt, so would I, but we can't" Mac replied. "That feels so nice."
"That's good" he said softly, moving down to kiss her lips. "What else would feel nice?"
"You know" she whispered. "You always know."
He slid closer to her, remaining on his side, and began kissing her neck in all the places he knew she liked him to kiss.
Mac gave a small moan. "Strike one" she whispered as his mouth worked on her neck.
He slid down the bed just a bit and, lifting her shirt out of the way, began to place tiny kisses across her tummy, from left to right.
"Nice" she breathed. "But its still strike two."
Abandoning her tummy, he slid his hand further underneath her shirt until he reached her breasts. He felt her take a deep breath as his fingers moved ever-so-gently across the expanse of the left and then the right.
She purred in the back of her throat. "Mmm, home run" she said. "Be gentle."
"Always" he whispered in reply, continuing to move his hand over her chest. "Tell me if I hurt you, baby."
"Little bit" she whispered. She wanted him to touch her, but she'd forgotten she hadn't fed Ainsley in hours.
"I'm sorry" he answered softly, lightening his touch even more. "That okay?"
"Mmhmm" she sighed. "Harm?"
"What, love?" he said, his hands still moving very softly against her body.
"What are we doing?" she asked still not really up for anything remotely close to trying for a baby.
"Just being together" he answered. "You don't like it?"
"Yes, but I..." She stopped when she felt him skim her breast lightly. "Oh."
"Did that hurt?" he asked.
"No, it felt wonderful" she sighed. "I just..." She moaned again with pleasure.
"What do you want me to do, baby?" he asked tenderly. "Keep doing this?"
"Kiss me" she requested breathily.
Without hesitation, he moved his hands out from beneath her shirt and pressed his lips against hers in the sweetest of kisses.
Mac moved her hands up and ran her fingers through his hair, "Harm?" she whispered in between kisses.
"Hmm?" he replied, moving his kisses from her lips to her neck.
"Tell me" she whispered. "Tell me why?"
"Why what?" he asked, his breathing beginning to get heavier.
"Why me and not someone else?" she asked.
"Because" he said softly, placing a kiss on her lips before going back to work on her neck, "you're my perfect match, baby. Of all the women in the universe, you're the only one I could ever be this happy with. You complete me, Mac. My life was so empty before you came into it, but now..."
"Now what?" she asked. She loved to hear him tell her she was special or his "perfect match." It made her feel secure.
"Now" he whispered, "I'm so...happy." He began to nibble at her left earlobe. "Why me?" he asked her. "What was it about me that attracted you?" He loved this sort of pillow talk; he knew she did, too.
"This, sailor" she said simply. "This is so..."
"That's all you find attractive about me?" he asked with a smile, running his left hand through her hair as he spoke. "My unbelievable moves in bed?"
"No" she smiled softly. "I mean being in your arms, you and me holding onto each other, feeling safe, knowing that no matter what I can hold onto you and knowing that no matter what I can let you hold onto me."
He looked into her eyes. "So, you don't like my unbelievable moves in bed?" he asked, the sexiest of smiles on his face.
"That" she said, "is just the gravy. There are nights though when I'd rather be held in your arms than anything else...including things that happen in bed."
He took a deep breath, resting his head on her pillow, as close to her head as he could. "I know; I feel like that sometimes, too."
"There's no one else I can cry to, you know that?" she asked leaning over to kiss his eyelids and his nose before she ended on his lips.
"I do" he whispered with a little smile. "We've seen each other at our best, worst and every place in between. I've never been this close to anyone in my entire life." With his left hand, he brought her face closer to his and planted another gentle kiss on her lips.
Mac ran her hand down his beloved cheek; she loved the feel of her skin on his. "You don't always have to be strong, you know? I know you have to be so scared about Friday and disappointed about...this situation."
He reached up and touched her hand. "I am" he said. "I'll be so glad when we can put the surgery behind us, and even gladder when I can lie next to you like this and..."
"And what?" she whispered moving so he knew she wanted to cuddle him, not the other way around.
He once again reached beneath the hem of her shirt and rested his hand against her abdomen. "Do this" he said, his voice soft and low. "Lie here with you and marvel about the little life living inside you."
"That may never happen, honey" she whispered, still aching over the earlier disappointment.
"Try to have faith, baby" he said softly, moving his hand gently across her skin. "We did it before, we can do it again. I know we can."
"I'm still not sure I want to" Mac replied, feeling the tears rise up again. "I can't stop thinking of those dreams I've had. They're right up there with those dreams the both of us had and..." She moved closer.
"Please don't cry any more, baby" he said tenderly as he wiped the falling teardrops from her face. "I hate to see you sad like this." He continued to move his hand gently against her abdomen, moving just a bit higher as he spoke.
The feel of his hands on her body brought a quick end to the tears. "Mmm…that hurts a little" she whispered, shifting closer still.
"'Cause you didn't feed her last time?" he asked softly as his fingers traced along her ribs.
"That's part of it" she answered, drawing in a deep, relaxing breath.
"What's the other part?" he asked, his fingers moving from one rib to the next, left to right.
"You" she exhaled as he continued his exploration of her ribcage. "That feels nice."
"I thought it would" he whispered as he reached the last rib below her breasts, then moved his hand slowly upward, feeling her take in another breath. "I'll be gentle."
She nodded in reply, moving her arms a bit to give him a little more space.
As in so many times past, he moved his hands ever-so-softly across her breasts, taking even more care then usual this time.
"Mmm…" she purred, "feels nice."
"You feel nice, Mac" he whispered against her ear. "Your body, it's so beautiful to me."
"Only to you?" she asked with a sly little smile. "What's wrong with it?"
"Nothing at all" he answered softly, running his hand back down her stomach. "It's amazing."
"You're not so bad yourself, sailor" Mac smiled at him. "I don't mean to keep bringing this up, but do you want me there on Friday or no?"
"Of course I do, sweetie" he replied. "I need to know you're close to me."
"I wanted you close to me when I had my laparoscopy" she replied. "I was just too afraid to ask."
"I wish you would have" he said quietly, sliding his hand back up and across her breasts. "Don't ever be afraid to tell me what you want."
"If I tell you what I want right now, will you give it to me?" she asked smiling and caressing his back.
"Well, that would depend on what it is" he replied with a smile of his own.
"I want to see you" she whispered. "I want to see your body, especially...your legs" she whispered.
"Oh, really?" he breathed against her ear. "I think I can give you that." He sat up very carefully and moved the covers off of both himself and her, then laid his head back against her pillow.
Mac leaned over him and ran a gentle hand down his hard chest over his sleep shorts to his thighs. Using gentle pressure she began to rub his thigh like she had when he'd been in the worst of his pain from the back injury, now though he could enjoy it. "You have such strong legs, long and thankfully now healthy." She leaned over and kissed the spot just above his kneecap.
"You've always had a thing for my legs, huh?" he asked softly.
"Yeah...and of course there is the adorable rear view you have. I used to love to leave the room after you" Mac teased, and moved to rub the other leg. "How's this feeling, sailor?"
"Nice" he answered. "What do you mean you 'used to'? Has my rear view lost its appeal over time?"
"No, but just now I can say 'Honey, bend over so I can ogle your six!' Couldn't do that before" Mac teased as she moved lower below his knees to his calves. "Roll over."
With a little laugh, he carefully rolled onto his stomach, still resting his head against her pillow.
"Seriously, you weren't up too much today taking care of me. Were you?" she asked moving up so she could massage the back of his legs.
"No, babe" he said. "I'm not hurting, I promise."
"Not at all?" she asked skeptical yet hopeful it was true.
He was quiet for a moment. "Just a tiny little bit" he admitted. "Nothing even bad enough to take aspirin for, though. I'm okay, sweetie, honest."
"Then maybe..." She said and trailed off moving her hands to his lower back beginning to massage it only this time her touch was light and seductive not measured and therapeutic.
"Maybe what?" he asked, relaxing beneath her touch.
"Maybe you don't need..." She stopped again and leaned down to kiss the injured area as she had done so often.
He understood what she was hinting at. "I still need the surgery, babe. I don't ever want us to go through these last two weeks again."
"I know" she sighed. "I'm just so...I'm so scared, for you and for me."
"It'll all be okay, Mac" he said with gentle confidence as he rolled over onto his back once again, wrapping his arms around her and bringing her close. "I promise" he whispered into her ear.
"But..." She sighed and leaned against him a minute. A familiar feeling washing over her. She shook her head to clear it and snuggled up to him.
He slowly slid his hands down her back as he kissed her lips, softly at first, then a little more passionate.
Mac pushed aside what she knew were irrational fears and reveled in the feel of her husband's lips and hands on her body. She moaned against his mouth before rolling on her back and raising her arms above her head.
Without a word, he took the bottom of her shirt between his fingers, pulling it towards her shoulder and over her head with ease. He tossed it onto the floor beside the bed before lying back beside her again, his hand once more resting on her abdomen.
"Why do you keep doing that?" she asked breathily.
"I don't know" he whispered. "I guess because it's a nice place to start."
"You do too know" she replied with a smile. "Come on, tell me."
He smiled just a bit. "Because from here" he said, "I can do this." He slowly slipped his hand a few inches higher.
She flinched a tiny bit when his hands hit her breast, but that was nothing compared to the other sensations. "Harm...I..."
"You what, babe?" he asked.
"I love you so much" she whispered. "I want so much to...I want so much for us to have a son, not just a baby, but a son, so...So one day there can be some other woman that feels the way I do right this second." She smiled at him and lovingly touched his cheek.
"What did I ever do without you in my life?" he asked, sliding one leg on top of hers.
"Dated other women" Mac offered with a tiny laugh. "The biggest wonder is how I survived without you in mine. Sometimes I thought...Sometimes I lived just to be sent to a case with you so we could spend time together. Now...I dread the day when one of us has to go away."
"Me too" he said, placing a kiss on her shoulder. "But I already know how I'll get through that time when it comes."
"Oh really?" she asked. "How?"
"I'll think about how amazing the first night we're back together will be."
"That's a good thought to have, sailor" she whispered.
"I'm thinking something else right now" he whispered in return.
"Oh yeah?" she smiled. "What's that?"
"I'm thinking" he said, leaning in to kiss her lips, "about how much I'd love to make love to you tonight, just because I want to. Not because of timing or trying or anything else; just because...because I want to."
"I'd like that" she whispered. "I'd like that very much. I've missed you."
"No more than I've missed you" he said, his voice once again soft and low.
Harm leaned down to kiss Mac's lips again but before he could make contact Ainsley's let out a wait that her parents had not heard since she was in the hospital getting stuck with a needle. "Harm?" Mac said nervously and looked at him. "Can you..."
"I'll get her" he said, taking just a second for a quick kiss before sliding out of bed and heading for the nursery.
Mac watched as Harm left the bedroom and headed for the nursery. This was an unfamiliar cry for Ainsley, she'd only used it when something had scared or hurt her.
Harm entered the baby's room to find her lying against the side of her crib, red-faced and howling. He picked her up and held her close, immediately soothing some of what was distressing her. Unsure of why she was so upset, he quickly changed her diaper and carried her into the bedroom.
"She might be hungry" he said, "but I'm not sure; that's not her hungry cry."
"No, it's not" Mac sighed and reached for the baby. "That's her 'I don't like something that's happened to me' cry. Was there anything in there, a light on or noise or anything?"
"No" said Harm, sitting back down on his side of the bed. "Lights were out, everything in her bed was fine. Does she feel warm?"
"No" Mac replied. "She's cool. Did you change her? Did you see a rash?"
"I changed her" he said, "but didn't see a rash or anything else."
"I'll try to nurse her and see what happens" Mac suggested. "Can you go and get her burp rag and her lamb?" She asked this as she moved the baby against her breast.
"Sure" he said, hoping that whatever was upsetting his little girl would soon cease.
Mac put Ainsley to her breast and out of instinct the baby latched on, only she refused to suck. Instead, she reared back and started to scream even louder, little arms flailing, little legs pulling up to her belly.
"Guess that's not what she wants, huh?" said Harm as he returned with a burp rag and Ainsley's stuffed lamb.
"Guess not" Mac sighed. "I don't know what's wrong with her." Mac snuggled Ainsley close and started to rock, but still the baby screamed on, breath hitching as she sobbed.
"Mind if I try?" he asked, holding his hands out towards the baby.
"Here" she sighed, and handed the baby to Harm. She wanted to help her baby girl but she didn't know how. One thing was for sure, though, something was not right with her.
"What's the matter, beautiful?" he asked Ainsley as she continued to cry in his arms. "Daddy's not supposed to be up very much, no he's not, but you know what? For you, my dear, I'll bend the rule a little." He carefully snuggled the baby against his chest and began walking back and forth across the bedroom, bouncing her gently as he walked.
Still, even nestled inside her daddy's strong embrace the baby continued to wail and hiccup, her little belly convulsing against her Daddy's chest.
"I wonder" he said to Mac, loudly enough to be heard over Ainsley's cries, "if we're not being initiated into the wonderful world of teething? Lemme see..." He slipped his pinky finger into the baby's mouth, feeling around top and bottom for any signs of a budding tooth.
"Do you feel anything?" Mac shouted over the baby's wails, pulling her shirt back on and slipping out of bed to join Harm on his little walk.
He shook his head. "She was sucking on my finger some, though" he said, referring to a couple very brief pauses in the baby's tirade. "Why don't you try feeding her again? Might not work, but she seems like she wants something to suck on."
"I'll try" Mac replied. "But I know she's not hungry." She took Ainsley from Harm, and immediately the baby began to cry more loudly than she had before. "Ssh, it's okay, baby" Mac cooed to her. "Mommy's got you. Yes, you're fine" she told the child as she sat with her on the bed and got her settled to nurse.
This time the baby latched on of her own choosing and started to suck, not really eating but sucking enough for comfort only.
He shrugged his shoulders and smiled a bit. "Or maybe it will work" he said. "She's still not settled down totally, but at least she's eating some, which you must be happy about considering it's been how many hours since you fed her? You must be dying by now, babe."
"Pretty much, that little escapade earlier didn't really help…but I needed it" she told him. "Mommy needed daddy too, angel" Mac cooed to the baby.
"You know" he said as he smoothed Ainsley's hair, "this is the first time she's ever 'interrupted' us. No doubt it won't be the last."
"I can see it now" Mac laughed. "She'll be five and have a nightmare and walk right in the room on us."
Harm laughed as well. "Note to self: install slide lock at top of bedroom door before baby turns 5."
"I remember walking in on my mom and dad once." Mac sighed, and nestled the baby closer at the memory.
"Never happened to me" he said, "not that I wish it would have, but..."
"My dad got so mad at me" Mac replied. "But that was nothing compared to what I thought was happening in that room. I thought he was doing something bad to her, turned out it was one of the only good things he'd ever done for her. I didn't understand that until much later in life."
"Yeah" he said, carefully putting his arm around her shoulder. "I didn't understand a lot of things until much later in my life than I should have." He leaned over and kissed her temple.
"I didn't know what making love was like until..." She trailed off and kissed Ainsley's baby hair, letting him fill in the blank or ask her to do so for him.
"Until us" he whispered confidently. There was no need to ask if that was what she meant; he knew it was. They'd each been with other people in their past, but they could honestly say their first time making love was with one another, that precious evening last year when they first tried to create their family.
"Until us" she echoed. "You are...You are the most considerate, most gentle lover I've ever had. You give and you take, thinking about it gets me all misty eyed" Mac admitted as Ainsley began to shift in her arms.
"The same goes for you" he said softly. "What we have together, it's unlike anything I've ever experienced. I don't think I'll ever grow tired of it; any of it." He rubbed her arm as Ainsley began to cry once more.
"I don't think she agrees" Mac laughed a little and turned her attention to the baby. "What is it, little one? Tell mommy and daddy all about it." She started to rock the baby back and forth.
"Here, I'll take her back" said Harm. "Maybe now that she's eaten a little, our walk around the room will be more successful."
"I don't want you up too much" Mac told him. "I need you with me tomorrow when they tell me...When I get prodded under orders so don't hurt yourself too much."
"How about I take her back to her room and rock for awhile?" he offered.
"How about you lie down and leave her to me" Mac suggested, her protective wife mode rising up to join the concerned mother.
"Please let me help you with her, babe" he said gently. "I'm fine, honest. I'm not hurting; my back feels good, I'll be careful."
"How about I bring the rocker in here?" Mac suggested as compromise.
He thought for a second. "If it'll make you feel better, okay."
"It will" she replied. "You and Ainsley do your little walk then you can rock her. I want her to stop crying, it's not good for her to be like this" she said worriedly.
"Tell mommy you'll be just fine" said Harm, rising from the bed to take the fussy baby from her mother. He once again held her close and walked slowly from one wall to the other, bouncing her gently.
Mac returned in short order with the rocking chair and put the back pillow she'd bought for Harm against the back of the chair. She hadn't even shown him that pillow yet, but she remembered its existence while she thought of him sitting on the hard chair. This would make it more comfortable for him, and by extension, better for their daughter. "Here we are" Mac announced as she set the chair down.
"Great" he said, carrying the baby with him over to the chair and taking a seat. "Mommy brought our chair in here, Ainsley Bear. We'll sit and rock a while, okay?" The baby's fusses seemed to diminish a touch as she listened to her daddy's voice.
"Do you have any idea what's got her so upset?" Mac asked kneeling down next to them as Harm started to rock the baby gently.
He shook his head. "I'm guessing she's got a little tummy ache" he said. "She didn't burp after you fed her just now, did she?"
"Nope" Mac replied. "Is her belly tight?" Mac asked as Ainsley continued to cry and pull up her knees.
Harm placed his hand against the baby's tummy. "Little bit" he said. "Let's try this, huh baby girl?" He moved Ainsley to his lap, lying on her tummy as he continued to rock slowly and gently pat her back. "Little trick I've seen Bud and Harriet use."
It took only a couple of minutes of rocking and patting for Harm's theory to be proven correct when Ainsley let out a big burp.
"I dare say that was the problem!" he laughed, picking her up from his lap and cradling her in his arms. "Do you feel better, sweet girl? Hmm?"
"She'd almost have to" said Mac. "Poor baby."
"Can you bring me her blanket, please, babe?" he asked.
"Yeah" she said, leaving to grab it from the nursery and quickly returning.
"Let's see if daddy can't get you to sleep, baby girl" he said, wrapping Ainsley snugly in her pink fleece blanket. He held her close and gently sang to her the only song that was sure to work, the Navy Hymn. Within five minutes, she was sound asleep.
"She out?" Mac asked Harm as he slowed his rock.
"Like a light" he replied with a smile. "I'll go put her down."
"Please" Mac sighed and yawned. "I'm feeling very tired all of a sudden."
"Get into bed, babe" he said. "I'll be right back."
Mac nodded and moved to the bed and slid inside laying her head on Harm's pillow to await his return. As she lay there and breathed in the scent of him, she fought exhaustion and tried to stay awake, but his smell and the warmth of the sheets were so comforting she lost that battle and fell quickly asleep.
It took some doing but finally Harm managed to convince Mac to go to the doctor's the next day. As much as he wanted to go with her, they decided he should probably stay at home with Ainsley rather than expose her to germs in a doctor's office.
Mac didn't really mind; it wasn't like she was going to confirm a pregnancy or anything, just to be told to slow down, something her and Harm already knew she needed to do. She arrived home two hours after her appointment time, sighed and dropped a drug store bag on the table.
"How'd it go?" he asked her. "What's in the bag?"
"It went fine" Mac sighed. "I need to gain a few pounds he says and he wants me on vitamin supplements and iron. Other than that he said I needed to take a break. Eighty dollars for that."
Harm chuckled. "That's government insurance for you, babe. Is that all he said, just slow down, eat better and take those pills?"
"That's all he said" Mac replied. "Except he tried to tell me I was sicker in the morning because I have an overwhelming desire to be pregnant. That, of course, had bad results."
"I'm sorry, Mac" he said, rising from the recliner and going to her. "We'll get there as soon, though."
Mac gave a tiny smile. "What did you think those bad results were, Harm?" she asked.
He pulled her close. "I'm picturing" he began, "some strong words, maybe a few tears, that sort of thing?"
"Heck no" Mac replied. "I got a bit...let's say I went Marine on him and I told him that whether or not I wanted another baby affected my heart, not my head and there was some reason that I was so sick these last few days and if he didn't care to find out why and just wanted to label me as the poor pathetic woman who can't have babies he'd very seriously regret it. That's when he did the blood test and found out my iron was low and I need more vitamin C and B6."
Harm couldn't help but laugh. "I should have known better" he said. "I'm glad you put that doctor in his place. Sounds like someone needed to."
"I wish you could have," Mac sighed. "But neither of you needed to be exposed to germs right now. When is your lab appointment?"
"Wednesday at 0930" he replied. "Are you off then or not?"
"The doctor ordered me to rest until next week, so yeah" Mac replied. "He says I need to let my body recuperate from breastfeeding Ainsley and working and all. I knew this would probably happen, but with the wedding and you getting hurt I just didn't take good enough care of myself."
"I could've told you that, babe" he said with a smile as he returned to his recliner. "In fact, I believe I did tell you that, did I not?"
"Yes, you did" she replied. "How's the baby's belly?"
"Good" he said. "She's been an angel all morning."
"That's great. I wanted to ask you something" Mac said. "It's kind of important."
"Okay" he said, patting a spot on the sofa beside his chair. "Come here."
Mac moved to the spot he indicated and sat down. "On Friday, when you have the operation...The doctor said that the first day or so you aren't going to feel too great, and I want to know if you want me to sleep at the hospital with you."
"Hadn't really thought about that" he said. "You can if you'd like to, but who'll take care of the baby?"
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about" Mac replied. "I was thinking of asking AJ to take her for the night, but I wanted to see how you felt about that. I really want to be there at least Friday night in case you're in pain. I just...I might sleep if I'm with you, but if I'm here alone..."
He smiled at her. "Then you should be with me. I'll probably be so doped up I won't know which end is up at first, but I'm sure I'll be glad to see you."
Mac leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on the lips. "How are you feeling today?" she asked. "You were up a lot yesterday."
"I was" he agreed, "but I'm not really feeling it. I'll say this much, though, I'm so ready for Friday to be over with."
"Me too, baby" Mac replied. "Me too."
Still when Friday arrived and Harm had been admitted and laid waiting for the nurse to come and take him into surgery, both were beginning to feel reservations.
Mac sat beside Harm as he lay flat on the gurney, an IV already in his arm administering a relaxing drug along with fluids. She held his hand tightly, caressing the back of it with her free hand. "It shouldn't be too long now. How are you doing?"
"Okay" he said, semi-convincingly. "This is the worst part of surgery, at least for me it is."
"For me the worst part will be the part when I can't hold onto to you anymore" Mac sighed. "But when you wake up, I'll be right here. You know that right?"
"Yeah, I sure do" he answered, a nervous smile gracing his face.
"What?" she asked seeing the difference in his smile knowing something was on his mind.
"Just thinking" he said, "about how good it'll be to come out of this thing and see your beautiful face. I love you, Mac."
"I love you too, sweetie" Mac replied and kiss his hand. "You're going to be fine. You're going to be just fine."
He nodded a little. "I know I am" he said softly. "I figure if nothing to this point has succeeded in keeping me down for very long, this can't possibly be any different."
"Then why do you look so scared?" Mac asked him seeing the tension in his features as she continued to caress his hand.
He looked into her eyes. "There's a chance, you know..."
"What one is scaring you though?" Mac asked. "There are chances of a lot of things."
"The chance that this won't be a complete success" he said. "I'm not really too worried about things being worse afterwards; I'm just worried that they might not be able to do what needs to be done to fix this. It's a long shot, I mean Dr. Peddie is fairly confident he can get the job done and things will be great, but you just never know for sure."
"He said if he can't fix it he can take the disc out" Mac told him soothingly. "That will fix it."
He nodded, not wishing to discuss that that would do to his Naval aviation qualifications.
"If it comes to that Harm, it's going to be up to me to tell him what to do" Mac said gently. "What do you want me to do? I'll do whatever you ask. What do I tell him?"
"Tell him to do whatever he has to do to fix the damage" he said plainly. "Whatever that means, it...means. If I lose my wings…I lose them. Life will go on either way."
"Commander Rabb" the nurse said as she rounded the door. "We're ready for you in the OR."
He looked once more into the eyes of his wife.
"You're going to be just fine," she said again. "When you wake up I'm going to be right there next to you." She leaned over and gave him a gentle peck on the lips, "I love you."
The nurse injected another sedative into his IV. "I love you too, Mac" was the last thing he remembered saying that morning.
Mac paced the floor of the surgical OR, called the Admiral to check on the baby, drank a cup of tea and paced some more. Harm's operation was supposed to take 5 hours...she'd been waiting for 5 hours and 48 minutes. Finally, though, Dr. Peddie appeared.
"Mrs. Rabb?" he said softly as he approached the nervous looking woman.
"Dr. Peddie" she said, rising from her chair.
"Have a seat" he urged her and sat down beside her.
A/N: I hope to post the next chapter very soon, but my MS is in relapse right now, making my left hand highly uncooperative when it comes to typing. Yes, I'm just a hodgepodge of illnesses, I know. :) At least we know that Mac's just trying to do too much, poor girl! I wanted to show her being overwhelmed and really sad, since I feel that way sometimes. Remember, most every emotion I give to either she or Harm is based on some aspect of my own experiences with the infertility stuff, and how it often creeps into all other areas of a person's life. Also remember, I have total control over everything that happens to them, so unlike my own life, if I want a happy ending, I'll get one. :)