Sho had kissed a boy and he liked it.
He wasn't supposed to have liked it. He was supposed to have been grossed out. He had kissed a girl and that should have been the thing that he liked. He had kissed her and…well she had kissed him. She had kissed him and she had been on top of him and she had boobs, which he was supposed to have wanted to look at and touch and stuff, and she had been on top of him too which was something that he was supposed to have wanted…but he hadn't wanted it…and that made him weird. He had been so weird and…and he just…
He wanted to go back in time and tell past Sho not to even start talking to those other kids to begin with.
When he was all alone he could think of himself as being normal. He didn't have anyone else to compare himself to so then he could think of himself as being normal even though he knew that he wasn't normal. He was ten now and he was supposed to like girls but the only girl around was his own sister so, of course, he had never liked a girl in his life. The last time he had gone to school he had been a little kid and therefore he had been too young to like girls…and now he only had his sister and he wasn't supposed to like his sister like that because they were related. So then when he was on his own it was ok not to like girls. Yet.
But it really wasn't ok.
It wasn't that he didn't like girls yet…he didn't like them at all. He never thought about kissing them or seeing them naked or…or any of those other thoughts that you were supposed to have about girls. He didn't even like kissing him. That girl had kissed him for real. She had kissed him on the mouth for real and he hadn't like it at all…but kissing Hideki had been…good. The best thing that he had ever felt…and then it had been the worst thing that he had ever felt. Because he was weird for liking that, weird for having wanted to do that in the first place, and weird for wanting to do it again.
He really wanted to do it again.
And that was the weirdest part! He was different enough already. He was different enough from everyone around him…so he didn't need to be any more different! He was different enough from the rest of the world…from the rest of his family….from the rest of everyone that…that…that he was different enough! He was different enough as it was so why did he have to be so…so…so…different!
He didn't know. So he stabbed his cereal.
"I thought you liked Lucky Charms." Said Fukuda. Sho was in a bad mood. He'd been in a bad mood since coming home last night. There had been no cheering him up. No amount of videogames or Zootopia could cheer Sho up…and he had no idea as to why. Well probably something in his family, obviously, because they were the biggest stressors in his life. The man he had a crush on, God he hated even thinking about it, had gone off with his sister too so that must have been rough. Plus he'd had to leave all of the new friends that he'd made, too.
So there was a lot that could put him in a cereal stabbing sort of mood.
"I do. They're magically delicious." Said Sho. He stopped stabbing his food and forced a spoonful of cereal into his mouth. It tasted good. So he ate another spoonful of cereal. He needed to get back to normal. He needed to stop being like this. He needed to get back to normal before Fukuda started asking him questions that he didn't feel like answering. Nobody could know about how he had kissed Hideki and liked it and was up half the night thinking about it. About how good it felt and about how weird he was for thinking that it felt good. If someone knew then dad might know and dad…dad would not like this it all…
Sho was different enough as it was.
"Then why are you stabbing them?" asked Fukuda as droplets of milk and tiny little marshmallow pieces flew across the table. It was too early for this…but this was Sho so it was worth it. Even though he'd gotten, at best, five hours of sleep last night…it was worth it for Sho. He'd been up half the night trying to cheer him up…and also waiting for Shigeko to come home. She had disappeared from her own party. Not only that but she had gone off with a grown man of….dubious moral character…and he had been worried…
But she had come back around three in the morning, it had felt like, so she was ok.
Suzuki could sort her out. He must have been up half the night worrying about Shigeko. He never even sent a text seeing if Sho was planning on coming home…but maybe that was for the best. The last thing that Sho needed in his emotional state last night…and this morning…was his father sticking his nose where it didn't belong. Let him mind his daughter for once. She was the one who needed taking care of. She was the one drinking champagne and going off with grown men in the middle of the night. She was the one who…well he had no idea what she had gone off to do…but he prayed to God that it wasn't anything in the vein of whatever it was that Sho had gone off to the cloakroom to do…
He was growing up, that was normal, but she was growing up way too fast.
He had one person to worry about and that was Sho. Shigeko…what was he even supposed to tell her? Suzuki was the only person she listened to and even then she was drinking and smoking and going off with grown men the second his back was turned. Honestly. When had she gotten so…fast? Fast was the word that they had used when he had been young. That was why Masami's daughter had become. Fast.
Suzuki could address this. Let the man parent at least one of his kids.
"Because….I have a spoon." Said Sho. That was the only thing that he could think of to say. What was he supposed to say? That he was all confused inside? That he had kissed a boy and not only liked it but wanted to do it again. The he never wanted to brush his teeth again so he could keep the feeling with him for the rest of his life? That kissing was the best thing ever and he wished that he had liked it when that girl kissed him because then he could have been normal for once in his life? That whenever he thought about how that girl kissed him he got all sick inside but when the thought about how Hideki had kissed him his insides were filled with goldfish that were swimming in soda and pop rocks? That he knew that these goldfish in his stomach meant that he liked someone….and he wished that he hadn't? That he had no idea how to feel or how to be and he just needed to stab something because he had so many feelings to get out that he didn't even know what to do with?
He wasn't going to say any of that.
Fukuda couldn't know. Fukuda would tell dad and…and even if he didn't then he would know. He would know that Sho had kissed Hideki at the party. He would know that Sho wanted to do it again. He would know that Sho was weird, weirder than he was already, and then…and then he would look at Sho like he was weird. He would be all 'oh gross you kissed a boy' or something…well maybe not because this was Fukuda but…but that was the way that he should have reacted. Sho knew, from last night, how people reacted when you kissed a boy.
He didn't want people to ever know, to ever look at him like that, ever again.
"Wouldn't a knife be a better stabbing tool than a spoon?" asked Fukuda with a laugh that he didn't entirely feel. It was early, very early, and for once in his life he was feeling his age. Forty three was too old to be staying up for half the night entertaining a ten year old boy who just would not talk about what was bothering him…but that was alright. He loved Sho and he'd made a promise to Masami and…and he could deal with whatever Sho was going to throw at him….at seven seventeen in the morning.
"Yeah I guess so….I don't know." Said Sho as he swirled is cereal around. He didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know anything anymore. He didn't know what he wanted and he didn't know what he liked and…and he didn't even know if he liked lucky charms anymore, either, because they hardly gave you any marshmallow pieces. Big sis always let him put the non-marshmallow pieces in her bowl and then he could have all of her marshmallow pieces. He sort of wished that he had been back at home with big sis…but if he had been back at home then she would have asked him a bunch of questions that he didn't want to answer.
"What's on your mind? Bad night's sleep?" asked Fukuda as he ate his own bowl of sugary cereal. Sho food. He'd made sure to have plenty of Sho's favorites on hand just in case. He even had something other than vanilla ice cream in his freezer even though vanilla was clearly the best out of all the flavors. This, whatever was wrong with Sho, did not seem like the sort of thing that could be fixed with ice cream. He knew. He had been up for half the night trying.
"No…I slept ok…your couch sucks though." said Sho. He knew that he had said something mean but it was true. Fukuda's couch was way too hard and was made of leather, not cloth, so it was cold to sleep on and then when it warmed up it got sticky. His own bed would have been better…but then he would have had to have been around dad and big sis and being around dad and big sis had been the last thing that he had wanted to do last night.
"Language." Said Fukuda with a sign. He stirred his own cereal, he was too tired to make something with actual nutritional value, and sighed. Sho could be so…much…sometimes…but he still loved him. He loved Sho and Sho was just…going through a lot. That was all. He was getting older. This was just a part of him getting older.
"I didn't curse. I said 'sucks' not 'fucks'." Said Sho. Sucks wasn't even a curse word! He'd said so many worse words in his life! He'd beaten Shimazaki in so many cursing matches that it wasn't even a contest anymore! Sho knew more curse words than Fukuda had ever heard in his life! But somehow sucks was the one that was wrong? How did that make sense? He wished that Shimazaki had been there, he would have said so many bad words that Fukuda would have run from the room, but he wasn't there. Sho couldn't feel him at this range but he assumed that Shimazaki was at home asleep. He said that after a party he couldn't be disturbed for a whole day because he had to recover.
Sho didn't know how to feel about that.
He wanted to see Shimazaki again. He wished that he'd had a sleepover with Shimazaki. He wished that they'd stayed up all night building forts and playing in the snow even though Shimazaki was bad at playing in the snow because he had trouble seeing it, and he wished that Shimazaki would have been there to save him when he'd…when all of that stuff had happened. He just really wanted to be near Shimazaki. He wanted to be near him and…and stuff. Sho…he just wanted to be near him…because…because…
Because he wanted to be friends with him.
Not because he liked him or anything like that. No. Sho wasn't supposed to like guys and…and if he did like a guy then…then it would have been someone who could like him back. Shimazaki was three times his age and stuff. They were friends and only friends and…and he didn't even like guys like that…because if he did then dad…he wouldn't be ok with that at all. He'd get mad. He would get madder than Sho had ever seen him in his entire life…and then…and then….well bad things would have happened. Bad things would have happened to Sho and to Shimazaki and…and Sho didn't even like him like that anyway!
He just wanted to hang out because….because this was one of Shimazaki's eye cleaning days!
Yeah, that was it. He just wanted to hang out and watch Shimazaki clean out his eye sockets. He wanted to hang out and watch the whole….all of the steps of it. Because it was cool and not gross, well it was gross, but it was gross in the cool way and there was nothing wrong with wanting to sit on the side of the tub and watch Shimazaki clean out his eye sockets…and stuff. And it had nothing to do with the fact that he only wore gym shorts to bed and not pajamas…and Sho only like that because…because he had a lot of tattoos and he was a cool guy and….and…and Sho just wanted…
He just wanted to hang out with Shimazaki and look at his tattoos and poke him in the eye sockets! Was that really so weird?!
"Language, Sho, again." said Fukuda. He tried to keep his face and his aura calm at that. At some point Sho had picked up casual cursing…and he knew the cause. Shimazaki fucking Ryou. Fukuda was glad that he'd run off last night. Otherwise he wasn't sure what he would have done to that man back when he'd had those fourteen glasses of champagne in him. Sho was getting over him, that was good, hopefully this little crush would fizzle out into nothing and then Sho could look back at this time in his life and wonder what in the hell he'd been thinking. Sho could have feelings like that about whoever he wanted, it was obvious that he was….something….at this age, but he could not have those for Shimazaki Ryou!
Fukuda needed to find a way to get him around more people his own age.
It had been so nice seeing Sho playing with some other kids. Even if he had gone to play cloakroom games with them…which was normal for his age. He was still a kid but that was what kids got up to. Hell, he would have been happy if someone had dragged him into the cloakroom when he'd been ten. Sho hadn't been happy though…and Fukuda got the feeling that this long bad mood had something to do with that. Sho'd had A LOT of lipstick on him…and Fukuda knew how girls could be. Apparently the time old tradition of catch and kiss had never fallen out of style. Sho had never liked that. Cute as it had bene Sho had never liked being on the receiving end….
Had he been on the receiving end of something that he hadn't wanted?
Fukuda wonders, for a moment, what the even could have been. These were kids and he'd kissed a girl, adorable but also worrying, and Sho had no scruples about hitting girls. Shigeko could attest to that. But Fukuda still wondered. He wondered and…and he had no idea how to even begin to address that. If Sho had been a girl then it would have been easier. Even at that age he knew how boys could be. Not that he'd even been that sort of boy…but he'd known plenty who were. Girls though…he had never known a girl to be forward let alone pushy…but the times had changed….right? He didn't know. He wasn't a parent, not for real, and he could only address one thing at a time and right now that thing would be the nonstop cursing because this was the thing that was going to get Sho punished by Suzuki and Fukuda…he was getting tired of putting Sho back together after his father got through with him.
"Why can't I curse? Everyone else gets to!" said Sho. He kicked the table and his cereal bowl bounced. He knew that he neded to go to a cool and dark place so he could calm down…but there was no cool and dark place he could go to. It was morning and it was hot in the house because of the heat and…and he knew that there was no cooling down from how he felt. Mad and sad at the same time.
He didn't like it.
He could handle being sad and he could handle being mad but he couldn't handle being both at the same time. He just…he was so…his feelings were tangled up and confused. He wanted…he wanted to be normal but he also…he wanted to feel that again but…but it had been wrong to feel what he had felt…and no matter what he did he was still wrong. He was still born wrong, different, and everyone else in the world was born right. Normal people did not kiss other guys and then stay up half the night thinking about it…and wishing that it would happen again. He wished that he could see Hideki again because even though he hadn't like it, of course he hadn't liked it he was a normal guy not like Sho, he still just…wanted to play Smash with him again.
And also kiss him again.
Kiss him and…and kiss him again and again and….and now that he knew what it was like…it was the worst! Now he knew what he was missing. He knew, understood, why big sis was so in love with her boyfriend and stuff. If she had done stuff like that with him, Sho wanted to kick him in the stomach for kissing his sister but also to hug him for making big sis feel all happy inside, then of course she would be all obsessed with kissing and love and stuff. He got it, now, why girls were always so into love and kissing and stuff. Even the one with the pink hair who'd climbed on top of him and licked him and stuff. He got it and…and he wished that he didn't get it. He wished that he had never found out what kissing was like, how good it felt, and that way he could have felt something other than this. He could have been happy. He could have had a sleepover with Fukuda and just had fun and been happy…
Instead of all mad and sad and confused inside like he was now.
"No, nobody else gets to. I don't, your sister doesn't…I hope not, your dad doesn't. Actually he can't stand it." Said Fukuda. He punched the bridge of his nose. He needed to stay calm. He was so tired…not hung over, thank God, just tired. That party had taken a lot out of him and then staying up half the night trying to get Sho cheered up…it was a lot. It was a lot but this was what he had signed up for when he had made that promise to Masami. He had promised to take care of Sho and keep him safe so that was what he was going to do for the rest of their lives. He was going to be Sho's father because his actual father had no interest in anyone who wasn't Shigeko.
"I don't care what dad can and can't stand." Said Sho. That was how he was supposed to live the rest of his life, wasn't it? Worrying about dad and what he wanted and didn't want and what he thought and didn't thought. He would be worried about how dad felt and what he wanted until dad died and Sho had to go and visit him in the graveyard and then he would probably be haunted by dad, too, for the rest of his life and stuff.
"Well just don't let him hear your cursing. I've known your father for most of my life and I know that he won't take it well." Said Fukuda. He needed to get Sho knock it off with the cursing sooner rather than later. He had no idea why Sho had to curse, there really was no good reason for it, and he was going to put a stop to it…somehow. Masami wouldn't have liked it, first of all, and second of all neither did he.
"I am tired of hearing about what dad does and doesn't like!" said Sho. He pushed his cereal bowl away. he didn't mean to push it so hard but he did and it toppled over. The table was covered in marshmallows and milk. If big sis had been there then she would have freaked out. But she wasn't there. He hadn't felt her aura all night. She was back now. He could sort of feel her. She was back in the direction of the house. Good. Let her and dad be together. She was the kid that dad had wanted. She was born right and he was born wrong.
Well if she had been born a boy then she would have been born right.
He'd only had Sho so that he could have more Suzuki's. That was it. Big sis was a girl and she would make babies for someone else's family. He had to get married to some girl and then have more Suzuki's with her and then that was it. That was the whole point to him being alive. He was only here because dad hadn't gotten it right on the first try. He had a big sis, the Prodigy, but because she hadn't been born a boy dad had to try again and he got Sho. Sho was only there because dad needed more grandkids. That was it. Sho…he didn't know if…
He knew that if dad knew….if dad knew what he was really like…then he would be in for it worse than he had ever been in for it in his entire life.
"Sho…come on. Help me clean up this mess." Said Fukuda before getting the paper towels and all-purpose cleaner out from under the sink. He pulled some paper towels of the roll and handed them to Sho. He hung his head in shame. Fukuda was torn. On the one hand he was getting mature enough to understand that his behavior wasn't the best…but on the other hand he should not have been feeling bad about himself. He had enough people making him feeling bad about himself that he did not need those feelings coming from within.
"….ok." said Sho. He helped Fukuda clean up the cereal and milk that covered the table. If he had been at home big sis would have cleaned this up by herself…and if she hadn't been there then dad would have tipped him back on his chair and kicked him into the wall, too, maybe. Fukuda wasn't like that. Fukuda was nice and he cared about him…and stuff…
Would it be ok to tell him?
He didn't know. Fukuda was the person who cared about him the second most in the world. The person who cared about him most in the world was big sis. He couldn't even tell her. If he told her and then she told dad….he would be in for it. So he couldn't tell anyone…even though he wanted to tell someone. He wanted to tell someone and then they would tell him…he didn't know what they would tell him but he got the feeling that it would be…something that he wanted to hear. He wanted someone to tell him what he wanted to hear but…but also he had no clue what he wanted to hear.
So he just helped clean up his mess.
"Do you want to talk about what all of that was about? You've been upset about something since last night and…and I promise you that no matter what it is I'll be here for you." Said Fukuda. He knew that Sho had been fine, he'd kissed a girl at some point, and now he was not fine. Those were the facts as they had been known and Fukuda…he had no idea what to do. He wasn't Sho's father, he wasn't anyone's father, and maybe if he had been someone's father then he could have handled this better. Maybe if he had been someone's father then he could have known what to do….
That wasn't how this worked.
Look at Suzuki. Those kids would have been better off if they has been raised in the woods by wolves instead of him. Making children did not grant you magical fatherhood knowledge. Well either that or Suzuki was just a shitty father. It should have been helping Sho through…whatever this was…but it wasn't. It was better Fukuda than Suzuki, honestly, because when it came to matters of love and physicality….well….creepy was a word that could be applied to Suzuki. Creepy and awkward…and how he managed to father two children with two different women was beyond the scope of Fukuda's knowledge.
What had Masami SEEN in that man?
It didn't matter. Fukuda may not have been the most qualified candidate but he was going to do his best. Fukuda knew that if this had been up to Suzuki then he would have had Sho measuring some poor girl's footprints in the snow or filling her desk with her favorite kind of chocolate on White Day….or just writing her a fifteen page missive of his feelings towards her and why they would be very good together as a couple. Yeah, Suzuki knew nothing about girls…and now that Fukuda thought about it…Sho may not have even been upset over a girl. He had been very close to that other little boy and….
Oh.
Yeah, Fukuda was out of his depth. He had seen the lipstick that had been on Sho yesterday and assumed that his troubles had come from a girl…but they may have been from a boy…and Fukuda had no clue how to handle that. He'd only kissed one other guy in his life…and that was not a story that Sho ever needed to hear. No. What happened between him and Suzuki in that fort in the woods back in '86 was not something that needed to be passed down to the next generation….because then Sho would end up describing it to a therapist in his adult life….and also if he was ever going to tell him the truth about what happened between him and Masami then…yeah. Sho didn't need to know about that.
Nobody needed to know about that. EVER.
"Uh….I can't tell you. If I tell you then you'll….I just can't tell you!" said Sho. Nobody could know about this because there was nothing to tell. So what if Sho had kissed a boy and wanted to do it again. It wasn't like he was ever going to do it again. It wasn't like he would ever get the chance to see Hideki ever again…even though he wanted to. Not to kiss but to play Smash…because he was good at it…and stuff…and…
And he cleaned harder.
"Well when you are ready to talk about, if there ever is something to talk about, then I'll always be here for you." Said Fukuda. This was hard, he had no idea what he was doing, but he would try his best. After all what else could he do? At least whatever Sho was getting up to wasn't anything close to what Shigeko was getting up to. Thank God for those small mercies.
"There's nothing to talk about. Now will you help me clean up already?" asked Sho. There was nothing to talk about and even if there was then…then he couldn't tell anyone. He couldn't tell anyone anything. There was nothing to tell. He would never do it again. He would never kiss Hideki or any other boy again so there was nothing to talk about! Nothing at all!
So he kissed boy and he had liked it….so what?