How to Lose Your Ears in Ten Days

Day 3

By YaoiKitten

For Rahzel, for everything you've done for me and being a sweetheart about it.

Ritsuka still went to see Katsuko-sensei on Wednesdays. He now went once a month, though, instead of every week. The sessions were no longer about trying to integrate his Disassociative Identity Disorder, but simply allowed him a place to talk about his life and the things that bothered him. His mother still hoped that one day the 'original' Ritsuka would come back, but even she had lost enough hope to reduce her costs to only one session a month.

Ritsuka truly looked forward to seeing Katsuko-sensei on the first Wednesday of every month. It was one hour that he could relax and talk, work through his thoughts and discuss the various things that he had learned that month. It was more conversation than therapy. Also, at some point, she had started treating him like an adult and teaching him more things about himself and others than he ever thought was possible. The more he learned, the more he realized how much he didn't know.

Ritsuka always had an antsy feeling on those days, he could barely stay in school. He wanted to fly out of the doors as soon as the bell rang, the confinement of the drab building feeling as though it was closing in on him and he'd never be able to get out unless he ran.

The usual feeling of elation filled him when that final bell rang. He never really watched the clock or thought about it during the day, but he always looked forward to the end of school. He liked learning and he loved books, but he also loved running outside into the freedom of the open air and seeing his friends. Soubi was out there, after all, always waiting for him.

Ritsuka ran to his locker and pulled out his coat and bag before rushing to the nearest exit amongst the sea of teenagers. He hated crowds and wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. He made a bee-line for the exit, getting jostled and bumped by a hundred bodies lumbering under the weight of heavy books and after school activities.

He burst through the door like someone drowning and dying for air. The smell of Tokyo and sunlight assaulted his senses dulled by the classroom. He was down the stairs and across the lawn before the tide of students made their flee from the building. There was Soubi, by the gate, waiting for him.

Ritsuka slid to a stop. "I see you've finally quit smoking," he said, noticing that there was not a single cigarette in sight.

Soubi held up his finger that was wrapped melodramatically in a little piece of gauze, tied into a bow. "I didn't want you to get violent on me again."

Ritsuka smirked. "One more bandage and you'll look like I did as a kid."

Soubi reached out and placed his hand over Ritsuka's upper arm, directly over the bandage he was hiding under his clothes. "You are still a kid, sometimes."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Ritsuka laughed, but it was kind of strained. "In case you haven't been paying attention, Soubi, I've grown up. I'm not a kid anymore."

Soubi didn't say anything.

Ritsuka snapped. "Look at me, Soubi! Don't tell me you haven't noticed!" His voice fell into a near whisper when he noticed that he was drawing attention to them. "Look, I'm as tall as Seimei was. I look just like him! So why can't you… why can't you…"

"Ritsuka is Ritsuka," Soubi told him calmly.

"And Seimei will always be Seimei," Ritsuka retorted. He could feel the tears stinging in his eyes. "So I can never be his substitute for you then?"

Soubi's eyes went wide in a rare show of emotion. His mouth worked wordlessly for a moment before Yuiko rushed up and glomped onto Ritsuka from behind.

"Get off!" Ritsuka yelled, whirling around to knock her off.

Yuiko stumbled a bit but kept her balance. Her expression was obviously hurt. "Ritsuka-kun?"

Ritsuka hesitated. "Look, I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry." He turned to run off down the street.

Soubi reached out and grabbed his wrist, pulling him around to face him. Ritsuka had a sudden sense of déjà vu. "I'll walk you there."

"No need," Ritsuka told him, pulling his hand free. "Go and keep Yuiko and Yayoi company since I can't!"

Soubi watched as Ritsuka ran down the street and gradually grew smaller and smaller until he turned the corner and was out of sight. Yuiko put her arm through Soubi's and Yayoi, who just joined the group and caught the tail end of their conversation, came around to his other side.

"Do you want to go and get some coffee with us, Soubi-san?" Yuiko asked cheerfully but delicately.

Soubi really wanted to run after Ritsuka, but instead he nodded. He let Yuiko pull him down the street and listened to her chatter about her day.

An order was an order, after all.

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Katsuko-sensei's office was dark and sort of depressing when Ritsuka arrived. The woman was typing notes from her previous session into her computer when he peeked his head through the door.

"Sensei?"

"Ritsuka?" Katsuko swiveled in her chair to face the door. She smiled in the dim light. "Come on in and have a seat."

Ritsuka entered and put his backpack on the couch. Kasuko-sensei reached over her desk and opened the blinds to let more light into the room. "I'll be with you in just a minute…"

Ritsuka nodded and took a book from his messenger bag – Freud's Interpretation of Dreams. He carefully placed it back on the bookshelf that filled an entire wall of her office. After a few moments of perusal, he grabbed another from the shelf. Jung's The Undiscovered Self was tucked neatly into his bag.

"From the master to the protégé is it?"

Ritsuka sat down. "I just want to see the difference. I don't believe that Frued is as crazy as everyone makes him out to be. I think they just don't understand."

"Oh?" Katsuko-sensei turned to look at him. She was done with her computer and the screen behind her showed its usual screensaver of hypnotic circles and squares swirling into some psychedelic pattern beyond recognition, a digital Rorschach of sorts.

Ritsuka had spent hours staring at that screensaver. "How so?"

"Well," Ritsuka began, settling into the couch and getting comfortable. He crossed his legs and looked at Katsuko-sensei as he talked. "First of all, Frued's interpretation of our libido is very misunderstood. The word has been transformed to refer to sexual appetites instead of the pursuit of pleasure that Frued meant it as. Labido is a very nihilistic thing, it's the force that drives us to do everything. It has very little to do with actual sex, but since libido is associated with sex in modern culture, thanks to Frued, people say that he's all about sex."

"Well, you have to admit a lot of what he wrote was sexual in nature. Like how dreams stem from sexual dissatisfaction."

"There's more to life than sex," Ritsuka said thoughtfully. "Our dreams don't stem from sexual dissatisfaction, but rather from sensual dissatisfaction. It is a depravity of our senses that dreams exhibit."

Katsuko-sensei blinked, clearly taken aback. She was constantly shocked at Ritsuka's precociousness. "Go on."

"Well, everything is a sensual experience for me. We use our senses for everything, but very few people are aware of it. I think I'm hyper aware of these things, because I feel that the world is a very sensual place." Ritsuka blushed. "I've learned to be so excited by it, so enthralled with people and smells and tastes. I'm hyperaware of everything and really enjoy it."

"You're the type of person who drinks of life."

"I'd much rather swim in it."

"So this hyperawareness is what allows you to think that way." Katsuko-sensei smiled. "You've grown so much. There was a time where you didn't want anything to do with sense experiences or life."

Ritsuka smiled. "Yeah, and I couldn't sleep then either. Then I started to dream. Dreams where I craved the sense experiences I was just beginning to have."

"And now?"

"I don't dream anymore. Not that I remember, anyway."

Katsuko-sensei looked at him. "Do you really believe that you have had all the sense experiences you are going to have?"

Ritsuka pulled his knees up to his chest. This was the way it always went, idle conversation and witty banter eventually turned the focus onto him, on what he was feeling and everything he was going through. She always knew exactly where the conversation was going.

"Well, there's still the obvious."

"Which is?"

He tugged on one of his ears. "Sex."

He watched as Katsuko's eyes flickered from his face up to his ears. His tail swished in annoyance against the back of the couch.

"So what about sex?"

"Well, I haven't done it yet, obviously."

Katsuko smiled and twirled her new wedding band around her finger. She had never really talked to Ritsuka about his sex life before. "Is that a problem for you?"

Ritsuka shrugged. "It's peer pressure, you know. I'm the only one of my friends who still has theirs."

"Well, didn't you have a teacher one time who still had hers?"

"Yeah, but I don't want to be lumped in with Shinonome-sensei." Ritsuka grimaced at the thought. "I know it happens. I just don't want it to be me."

Katsuko smiled. "I don't think anybody plans on being celibate for the entirety of their lives, Ritsuka. They just need to find the right person."

Ritsuka's eyes narrowed in thought.

"Oh." The lightbulb went off in Katsuko's head. "How are you and Agatsuma-san doing?"

Ritsuka sighed and laid his cheek against his knees. The denim felt cool under his skin. "Same as always. He still treats me like I'm twelve. No, he treated me as more of a lover when I was twelve."

"You don't think he's lost interest, do you?"

Ritsuka's eyes perused the bookshelves. "No, why would he still be with me if he'd lost interest after all these years? Besides, Soubi and I are special, we're not exactly like other couples."

Ritsuka's eyes seemed to be turning inwards, looking at something in his mind that Katsuko could not see.

"Have you asked him?"

"Huh?"

"Ask him. Ask him what he thought about taking your relationship to a, uhm, more intimate level. If you don't talk to him about sex, how are you supposed to know how he feels about it?"

Ritsuka shrugged. "I guess I figured that after five years he'd just get so frustrated he'd finally tear all my clothes off and take me or something."

Katsuko-sensei blushed at the thought but didn't react. She was used to Ritsuka being brutally honest and straight-forward with her. "Well, from what you've told me about Agatsuma-san, he doesn't seem like the kind of person who expresses his emotions very much."

"He's a master at keeping it all inside," Ritsuka agreed.

"Exactly."

He lifted his head and stared at her. "My God, why didn't I see it?"

"You were probably too focused on adjusting to your new life that you just forgot or didn't think of it until it mattered."

"That still doesn't explain why he backed off though! That doesn't address why he changed!"

"Maybe it's because he knew that you couldn't grow as a person if he didn't let you think about who you wanted to be?"

Ritsuka sulked. "Is this that whole cognitive therapy thing you were talking about?"

"I call this more 'real life' therapy. I'm not pulling any psycho-mumbo-jumbo on you. We're just talking here."

"I know." Ritsuka smiled at her. "I appreciate it."

Katsuko paused. "So do you really not dream?"

Ritsuka looked a bit shifty-eyed.

"Because if your theory is correct," she held out her hand to inspect her nails, polished her wedding band with her finger, "then you should still be dreaming. You should be dreaming of Soubi-san all the time, since he's the one sensual experience you seem to be lacking."

Ritsuka sighed. "That's the problem Sensei. As human beings gain more and more sense experiences, they crave more and more. It's like a… what's the word… it's like an adrenaline junkie?"

"Yes, someone who seeks more dangerous and dangerous experiences for the feeling they get when they do it."

"Yes, an adrenaline junkie. It's like you will never be satisfied, because there is always more to see, more to do, more to taste. You will always dream of satisfaction, but never get it."

"A very nihilistic thing," she quoted him with a smile.

"Exactly. The content of our dreams change, but we continue to dream."

"So you do dream of Soubi-san?" she asked again, a small smile playing at the corner of her lips. There was nothing wrong with a therapist teasing their client a little, was there?

Ritsuka looked at her and realized he wasn't going to be able to lead her off the subject, which he had tried so hard to do. He couldn't just not answer a direct question like that either. He sighed. "All the time."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"I'll talk to him about it." His voice was like a child finally giving in to a parent.

"I think you should. After all, if you start to dream of something else after you, uhm, talk to him, then it would prove your theory true, right?"

"At least to myself," he said softly. Again, he was turning inward.

"Do you want to practice what you are going to say with me?" she asked. "I'm sure we can work through some of your insecurities before you talk to him."

Ritsuka glanced at the clock. "I don't think we have the time, Sensei."

She looked at the clock and whistled. "An hour goes by so quickly… well, time's up kiddo."

Ritsuka unfolded himself from the couch and stood up, stretched. He grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder. "Thank you so much, Sensei."

She came over and gave him a hug. He was much taller than her now. He hugged her back with one arm.

"You'll let me know how it goes when I see you next month?"

"Of course." Ritsuka smiled, one of his genuine, no-nonsense smiles. "I'm sure I'll have plenty to talk about next month."

They said their good-byes, and Ritsuka stepped out of the office.

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Soubi, like most fine art majors, had discovered that the only one for him to make a living was to teach. His art was never progressive enough, different enough, or shocking enough to break out in the Art World. He taught new students each semester the very same skills that he had learned in those very same walls. It was a measured, methodical thing, and he found that he was able to explain it quite well. The lectures were only ten percent of the class anyway, the other ninty-percent was cheering the students on while they painted - something he was never particularly good at so he never tried except for the occasional 'very nice' or 'lovely.'

Soubi was explaining the principles of color theory to a group of new students when the phone on his desk lit up. It was red.

He tried to ignore it, tried to continue teaching. The students didn't want to hear about this stuff anyway, they were just in his class to paint. His eyes kept wondering to the blinking phone.

"Excuse me," he told the class, and flipped it open. The students blinked at him. He went over to the doorway, just inside the classroom still. The class began to murmur behind him. "Hello?"

"Soubi?" Ritsuka's voice came over the line.

"Yeah. Did you get done at Katsuko-sensei's?"

"Yeah, just now." Ritsuka took an audible breath. "Look, I know it's your late class tonight and everything, but I just wanted to call and tell you just in case not to come over tonight. I have some things I need to do."

Soubi smirked. He had been planning to do just that. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I have some things I need to think about."

Soubi felt like he had been hit in the gut. A sentence like that could never be good.

"All right, Soubi?"

"Ritsuka, I love you." He was reaching, and he knew it.

Ritsuka smiled, but Soubi couldn't see it. "I'll see you tomorrow, Soubi."

Soubi clicked his phone shut after he heard the click on the other line. Some of the girls were giggling since they had overheard his side of the conversation. He returned to the front of the classroom as stoically as always and began to write on the board without really paying attention to what he was saying.