A/N: Again, I apologize for the wait, but real life has really kept me down as of late. I was dealt a particularly difficult blow a couple weeks ago, which I won't get into here, but which I will instead weave into some of the shortly upcoming chapters of this story. Please be ready for our beloved Rabb family to go through some super tough times, and please remember their emotions and experiences are based on reality...my reality for the most part. It may be easy to say "the 'real' Harm and Mac would/wouldn't have done or said...", but remember, this entire story is based on the things I've gone through, with some expanse where it was necessary of course.

Kudos to She'sAShipper for her friendship, creative ideas and support. Big hugs!

Chapter 87:

In the course of life, the days seemed to fly by. Mac and Harm worked days, then spent time with their children at night, before retiring to bed for cuddling, talking, and usually love making. Their love making had grown more sensuous since Mac had been accosted by the drunken biker at the motel; it was deeper now, filled with even more love, if that was possible.

Now though, there was tension in the Rabb household. Harm knew that Mac was set against him re-qualifying, but she kept her silence for the most part, because she'd promised to support him.

Two nights before he was scheduled to requalify, Mac knelt on the floor holding Ainsley's hands, letting her exercise her little legs and experiment on taking steps. Harm sat in his chair, feet up reading the news paper. All in all, it was a very domestic scene.

"What a big girl you are!" cooed Mac as she trudged around the room with the baby, smiling as Ainsley put one tiny foot in front of the other.

Harm lowered his paper and smiled at his girls. "That's one thing I can't do with her" he said.

"Sure you can" she said. "Just be careful how you lean over; that's all."

"I tried it once, babe" Harm laughed. "Not an experience I care to repeat. I'll settle for this."

"As I recall" she began, "you've experienced other things lately that you said you didn't care to repeat, yet you're willing to ... Never mind."

Harm sighed. "Finish the thought, honey."

"You know how it goes" she said, turning the corner around the sofa. "I don't want you going up, but I'm not gonna stop you."

Harm shook his head. "I wish you'd take it a little better."

"I've tried" she said. "I just can't, sweetie. I'm sorry."

Harm remained silent and watched as Mac walked the baby around the living room. He was nervous about Friday, scared even. He sighed and leaned back in his chair. His back had been sore for the past two days, only he'd held his peace. It was the training causing the pain, he knew that, but still it would upset Mac.

He felt his eyes growing heavy. He'd been up the past two night, worrying, praying...and it was taking it's toll.

"Coral Sea, this is Cougar three commencing approach" Harm said into the head set. "Ready, Jackman?"

"Aye, Sir" his RIO replied.

Harm fiddled with his gauges and devices, making sure that all of his instruments were set for the landing. "Cougar, you are below glide slope" the Air Boss reported. "Power up."

Harm responded and pulled back on the throttle, giving the plane more gas. He didn't know what happened next. All he knew was his instrument panel lit up like a Christmas tree, engine failure, hydraulics failure. "Ejecting!" his RIO called out in warning.

"No!" he exclaimed, feverishly turning every knob and dial on his panel.

It all started spinning. He saw the chutes open, he saw them descending, himself right over the deck. He felt himself hit, felt the stab of agonizing pain, then felt the nothingness from his waist down. He saw the corpmen run to him, saw his limp body being treated, he even saw himself being airlifted to Bethesda.

It was then he stopped seeing and started hearing and feeling. He knew he was in a bed, his upper body told him that. He also knew Mac was by his side, her hand in his. "Mac?" he rasped as he opened his eyes.

"I'm here" she whispered, her face covered in tears.

"Hurts" he whispered. "Legs numb."

She nodded. "It'll go away soon." Another sob overtook her.

"Don't cry, baby" he said. "I'm alright, aren't I?"

She shook her head. "You punched out, Harm."

"I know. I feel that" he replied. "But I'm going to be okay, right? He operated, right?" Harm was getting scared, breathing harder and harder.

"Don't you remember?" she questioned through the sobbing. "You punched out; there's nothing...it's over. All over."

"I'm going to be..." he began taking a deep breath. "Paralyzed?" Wide blue eyes searched her face for some comfort, some hope, some security.

She fell to pieces, but quickly gathered herself again, for his sake. "Yes. The cord is severed. You'll never walk again."

He breathed in hard and turned his head away. "I want to be alone now."

Mac nodded and swallowed hard. "I'll go get Ainsley and...I'll...I'll be back later."

"Mac!" he called out desperately.

She stopped and turned towards him, her tears still falling.

"You will..." He swallowed hard. "You will come back, won't you?"

"I said 'for better or for worse'" she replied. "I just never dreamed this is what 'worse' meant."

Things started to spin again. He saw himself working hard in therapy, taking falls, taking hits, crying out in horrendous pain. But that was nothing compared to the next visions in his mind.

He saw himself sitting in his wheelchair in their living room, Mac bringing him food on a tray as Ainsley toddled about. She looked about one-and-a-half, and came over to him. "Daddy up!"

Harm leaned down and tried to lift her, but ended up looking at Mac for her help.

"You brought this on yourself" she said.

"Can you lift the baby, please?" he sighed.

With a sigh of her own, Mac lifted Ainsley into her daddy's lap.

Harm cuddled with his daughter, she was still small enough to be content with this. Mattie on the other hand...he had to watch her play basketball and tennis, not teach her how. And Ainsley...the tiny cut on her forehead...his fault, he couldn't catch her when she'd fallen in the park two days ago. But nothing hurt as much as the next scene.

He had gotten himself changed and waited now for Mac. He still needed help getting out of the chair and into the bed. She came out, dressed in a nightshirt.

"Tired tonight, babe?" he asked.

"Yeah" she replied with a yawn. "You ready?"

"Yes" he answered and lowered the arm on his chair. She locked her arms around his waist and with his pushing and her sliding she managed to move him to the bed. He was breathing hard when the transfer finished but she kept right on moving. "Mac, wait!"

"What is it?" she asked calmly.

He worked to slow down his breathing. "I can't. I need to rest."

"I've almost got you settled" she said. "Just another minute."

"Wait" he breathed. "Please. I need a break. I can't."

She paused for a moment. "Does it hurt that bad?"

"Yeah" he gasped out. "Just leave me a minute."

He was half on, half off the bed, useless legs hanging off the mattress. He was drenched with perspiration, his body shaking from the effort. Mac knew he had done too much already.

"I'm sorry, my love" she said, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Just another minute and it'll be over." She reached beneath his legs and began to move them.

He cried out in pain as she lifted his legs, as now he was lying haphazardly on the bed. He looked at her with tears in his eyes. "I can't help you right now, baby."

"I know" she replied as a few tears escaped her own eyes. "I just wish you'd never gone up..."

Mac reached over and took him from under the arms, shifting him on the bed. She pulled and manipulated as she tried to make him comfortable until she herself cried out in pain..."Oh!"

"Mac!" he gasped out. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"It's okay" she said, rubbing the spot where her leg had smacked the living room coffee table.

"No" he sighed. "No, its not. Its not okay at all."

"It's okay, really" she insisted. "Just a little bump, I've survived worse."

Harm had to shake himself to clear his head. He realized then he could feel his legs, he was indeed perfectly fine, but that dream had shaken him to the core. "Go put some ice on it."

"Probably a good idea" she said. She leaned Ainsley against the end of the couch. "Stay there, baby. Mommy'll be right back."

Harm was shaking, outwardly shaking, but he managed to smile as his daughter babbled. She was holding onto the sofa, looking at its pattern. "Hi, baby girl," he smiled. "Daddy love you so much. Yes, he does."

Ainsley heard her daddy's voice and decided it would be nice to go by him. She looked at him, and using the couch as a support, she began to work to attain her goal. She slid her hands along the cushions, and moved her little feet. Her face was scrunched with effort, but she was determined to get what she wanted.

"Mac!" Harm called.

Harm slid down off his chair and knelt at the end of the couch. "Come on, baby!" he encouraged. "Come to daddy!"

Mac hurried into the living room, ice pack in her hand. "What? What's happening?"

"Look!" he exclaimed and gestured to Ainsley busily cruising her way down the sofa.

"Oh, wow" gasped Mac proudly.

"Come on, baby" he said as he saw her stop. "Come to daddy. Come on."

Ainsley stood frozen for a moment before a huge smile appeared on her face, and she continued towards her father with great enthusiasm.

It took several minutes, but she finally made it down to the end of the couch and into her daddy's arms. Once she let go, she immediately fell forward. Harm caught her and held her close. "I'm so proud of you, baby girl. I'm so...proud." His voice caught as he said those words, and then the dam broke and he began to cry.

"Harm, what's wrong?" asked a very concerned Mac as she knelt beside him.

He didn't reply for several minutes, he just sobbed against Ainsley's baby soft hair, rocking her in his arms.

The baby sensed her daddy's distress and snuggled in as close as she could get.

"Harm, sweetie" said Mac, "please talk to me."

"I can't do it, Mac" he gasped out through tears. "I can't do it."

"What?" she asked. "What can't you do?"

"I can't go up again. I thought I wanted to, but I can't" he sobbed. "I can't give this up. I need this."

She figured out exactly what it was that had him so upset. The fear of possibly ending up in a wheelchair as a result of returning to the cockpit was too much for him, but the fear of losing out on so much of his child's life was overwhelming. "Oh, sweetheart" she soothed.

He knelt down and let the baby go. She crawled to the side off to see her abandoned toy.

"I need some air" said Harm.

"I'll stay in here with her" said Mac, wiping away a few of her own tears.

Harm rose from the floor and walked outside onto the porch. He paced its length, once, twice, then walked back into the house. Mac was sitting on the sofa, the baby crawling about the floor. He walked to the couch, to her, and sat down. Like a boy going to his mama after a school yard fight, he curled up his long legs and laid is head upon her lap.

"You're scared, huh?" she asked him, gently running her hand through his hair.

He nodded. "I dozed off."

"When?" she wondered.

"While you were walking the baby around, before you hurt your leg" he replied through a sniffle.

"I see. Did you have a dream, by chance?"

He took a deep shuddering breath. "Yeah. It was so horrible, Mac."

"Wanna tell me about it?" she asked softly.

He swallowed hard and nestled into her embrace. "I was doing my quals and the whole plane just broke down...everything. Engines, hydraulics, everything. I had to punch out, no other choice. I woke up in the hospital and I was..."

"Paralyzed" she said, knowing he couldn't get the word out.

He nodded. "You were there, crying and holding my hand. But you...I hurt so much and nothing changed it, not even time. I saw it all, the therapy, the wheelchair...I was so bad I had to call you to pick Ainsley up for me." He sniffled again and burrowed even closer.

"And this made you change your mind about going back up?" she asked, reaching down to wipe away his tears.

"Not that part" he replied.

"I thought that scared you" she said.

"It did, but it got worse" he replied.

"How so?" she asked.

"It was bedtime and I had to have help, you know?" he paused. He wanted her with him.

"As in you couldn't do it by yourself?" she asked.

"Right. Too many other injuries. You had to help me out of the chair" he replied. "I'd never felt such pain in all my life. I can still feel it. I was...I was just lying there, all messed up, at a funny angle, begging you to let me rest."

"It must have been horrible" she whispered.

He nodded. "It got worse."

Mac stroked his hair gently. "Worse than that? How?"

"You wound up hurting yourself" he said. "Trying to move my half-dead body."

She moved his touch to his skin, caressing his cheek. "I would, you know. God forbid, but it would be me helping you, you know that right?"

"Yeah" he answered softly. "It won't have to be, though. God-willing, your days of caring for me like that are over."

"I didn't mind" Mac replied. "You okay?"

"I will be" he sighed. "You know, I thought that I needed to do my quals to prove something to myself. I don't know what I was thinking. How could I have even considered doing something so stupid?"

"You're a pilot, Harm. It's in the blood" Mac comforted. "What brought this on? I know the dream did but...what else? Was it the baby?"

He nodded. "I don't know why she wasn't enough of a reason for me to make up my mind the right way in the first place, but when she walked over to me along this couch..." He began to choke up.

"Ssh" Mac comforted. "So that's it huh? You're done with the flying, you're hanging it up?" she asked to confirm.

"Its history" he answered, the emotion thick in his voice. "I've got too much to lose."

"Why don't you go into the bedroom and lie down for a bit. I'll clean this stuff up and come in in a little bit. How's your back feeling?" Mac asked.

"It's good" he replied. "My heart, on the other hand..."

"Why don't you go lie down? Or soak in a hot tub, hmm?" Mac asked softly, rubbing his shoulder with a gentle hand.

"I think I'll go take a long, hot shower" he said, rubbing his eyes with his hand.

"Okay, sweetheart" Mac replied.

"Don't trip over the baby on your way, okay?" Mac smiled.

"You mean this gorgeous baby right here?" he asked, scooping Ainsley up off the floor and giving her a big kiss.

"That's the one." Mac smiled at him as he played with Ainsley and she laughed. "Let me take her, you go get that shower."

Mac watched as Harm walked towards the shower, then she began to pick up Ainsley's toys and the remnants of their snack from earlier. Since Ainsley had started crawling, nothing was ever clean. She'd drag her blankie and leave it, take her lamb and leave it, and Mac hated the disorder. She also hated the look she saw in her husband's eyes that night. The pain and the loss there made her heart hurt. She wanted to make it better, but she wasn't sure if she could.

Harm spent a solid 45 minutes in the shower, over twice as long as usual, but he was feeling far more stressed than usual. He was beating himself up over the fact that he'd come so close to doing something so stupid in going after his quals. It seemed so important only days before, hours even, yet the sight of his baby girl toddling towards him and the nightmare he'd witnessed during his brief nap made him realize that flying didn't really mean anything to him anymore. His life was no longer defined by his wings, and the fact that he didn't fully realize that before made him feel like a failure as a husband, a father and a man.

Mac listened to the shower water running. He was in there a long time. She worried he wasn't telling her everything, that maybe his back was hurting or he was otherwise not feeling well. With the living room now clean, she sat and nursed the baby. Ainsley fell asleep at the tap, her little eyes closed, and her small chest going up and down in an even rhythm. Mac laid her in the bed just as she heard the shower water turn off. Hurriedly, she went to the bedroom, wanting to be there if Harm were to need her.

Harm had the bathroom door open a crack when Mac entered their room. He was standing there in nothing but a short white towel, brushing his teeth. Mac looked at his face, it was dark and drawn with sadness and another emotion she couldn't identify. Silently she moved next to him and slipped her arms around his waist. Placing a gentle kiss on the scar where he'd been cut for surgery, she whispered, "I love you."

"I love you, too" he answered after spitting out his mouthful of toothpaste.

"Then why do you look like the cat died?" Mac asked reaching for her own toothbrush.

He shook his head. "I feel so stupid."

"Why?" Mac asked amazed at his words.

"I should have been able to decide against doing my quals the moment Dr. Peddie said it was so risky" he answered, leaning against the wall, arms crossed in front of his chest. "Yet I didn't, and not only that, I actually planned to do them. What kind of idiot would do that?"

"One who loves his work" Mac replied. "There's no shame in it from that standpoint."

"Then why do I feel like this?" he asked as she began brushing her teeth.

"What's 'this'?" Mac asked. She needed him to clarify.

"Like I was about to make a really stupid decision" he said. "Like I was willing to risk everything for the chance to fly again. It's like I lost my mind or something."

"Not your mind" Mac replied. "Though I was thinking you lost your heart for awhile" she said truthfully.

"How so?" he asked, running his hands over his face.

"Think about it" Mac sighed. "The doctor tells us the risks, and still even with me and Mattie and the baby, you still think about it."

He looked down at the floor and shook his head.

Mac rinsed her mouth and turned to face him. "Honey, what's wrong? What's really bothering you? So it took you longer to admit that you needed to give up your wings, okay, you're human. And now you've realized it, you've decided, there's no reason for you to get like this."

"I guess I'm just mad at myself" he sighed. "I feel like I let you down."

"You didn't" Mac replied. "If you'd gotten in that plane...then you would have let me down. But you didn't; you realized what was important, what really mattered. Feel better yet?"

He shrugged. "Not really, but I'll get over it. I made the right decision in the end; I just need to convince myself of that."

Mac nodded and leaned over to kiss his lips. "Does it hurt?" she asked after a light peck.

"Does the knowledge that I was two days away from the biggest mistake of my life hurt?" he replied. "I must say it does."

"I didn't mean that" Mac sighed. "I mean does the decision itself hurt. Does it hurt to know you're done with flying for good?"

He sighed. "Kind of. It was so much a part of who I was for so long."

"Can I make it better?" Mac asked. "Anything to get this look off your face."

"I don't know" he said, obviously hurting inside.

"You wanna come lay down?" Mac asked. "We can cuddle and snuggle up real tight in bed."

He nodded, opening his arms to her. "Hug for the road?"

Mac stepped into his arms and lay her head against his chest, holding him tightly. "Go to bed, I'm going to shower really fast then I'll be there to hold you as long as you need. You're there for me all the time when I need you, its okay to need me."

He held her close for a moment. "Take your shower, I'm gonna go lay down."

Mac changed out of her clothes and turned on the hot shower spray. She ached for Harm and her eyes stung with tears for his pain at his sacrifice. She tried to hurry in the shower, he needed her and she wanted to be there. She only hoped she'd be as good of supporter as he was.

Harm lay in bed, on top of the covers, still wearing his bath towel, thinking about the fact that his flying days were over. In most ways, he was really okay with it, but there was a part of him that needed to mourn the loss of such a big part of his life. In a sense, he was losing the thing that kept him close to his father, and that aspect made it hurt most of all.

As he lay in bed listening to the shower running in the other room, it seemed to him that Mac was taking an even longer shower than he had. He was trying to wait patiently, but after a few more minutes of dwelling on the reality of his decision, he was getting himself worked up all over again. He got out of bed, pulled his sleep shorts on and made his way to the bathroom, hoping he wouldn't startle her.

"Harm?" she questioned as she heard the turn of the doorknob.

"Yeah, baby" he said. "You almost done?"

"Almost" she said. "Why? What's wrong?"

"I need you" he replied simply.

Knowing that he was so emotionally fragile that night, she hurriedly rinsed the shampoo from her hair and stepped out of the tub. "Come here" she said, opening her arms to him before even grabbing her towel.

He stepped into her embrace, noticing only how comforting it was to be held by her; nothing more.

"It's hitting you, isn't it?" she asked as she held him tight.

"Yeah" he whispered, increasing his grip around her shoulders.

"I'm so sorry" she said. "I wish it didn't have to be this way, but you know it's for the best, huh?"

He nodded.

"Let me throw some pajamas on" she said, "and we'll go get in bed, okay?" She didn't know exactly what he'd need from her that night, but whatever it was, she'd grant him.

Again, he nodded, this time stepping back from her. "I don't want to keep talking about this, though."

"Harm, we need to" she said. "Please? It's causing you so much pain. Is there...is something else bothering you?"

"No" he said unconvincingly.

"Okay" she sighed as she donned her green pajama top and headed for the door. "Let's go."

She slipped into bed and turned out the bedroom lamp. She waited for Harm to join her. He was hiding from her and she wasn't going to let him get away with it.

He climbed into bed and slid as close to her as he could get.

Mac rubbed her hand on the spot between her shoulder and her breast. "Lay here okay?"

"Gladly" he replied, laying his head on the place she indicated. "You know I love lying with you."

Mac wrapped her arm around his shoulders and rubbed his arm. "I know. But you don't seem to love talking to me right now."

"I'm talking to you" he said.

"You're saying things to me, you aren't talking to me, there's a difference" Mac replied. "A big difference."

"What do you think we need to talk about?" he asked, draping his left arm over her middle.

"That's a silly question" Mac sighed. "But I'll go with it. Let's talk about you giving up your wings."

He sighed. "It's hard, I'm gonna need a little time to really comprehend it, but I know it's the right thing to do."

"I know its hard, baby" Mac replied. "And you don't have to do it, not if you don't want to."

"I do have to" he said gently. "There's no way I can go up there again, not now that my daughter and my wife have opened my eyes so widly to the obvious right decision."

"I know that vision scared you..."

"It scared the hell out of me" admitted Harm. "And if I go up again, there's no way to know if it'd become reality or remain a bad dream. Not worth it."

"I know" Mac replied. "But...honey, I sense something from you and...Harm, I just want you to talk to me and not withdraw inside yourself. I feel you doing it already."

"I'm not withdrawing, sweetie" he said. "I know you're afraid that this is causing me some sort of underlying, hidden grief or something, but I promise you I'm not keeping any part of it from you."

"Just promise me you won't" Mac smiled and kissed his temple. "This is like losing a part of you, and it might not hurt now, but it will. I know that, so please promise you'll let me in."

"I promise" he said. "The moment I feel anything else I need to share, you'll be the first one I look for."

"Good" Mac sighed. "You want to go to sleep?"

"No" he answered.

"You want to lie here and cuddle some more?" Mac asked, stroking his hair.

"Mmm...we can start there" he replied with a little smile.

"Harm as much as I love you and love being with you, I'm not sure we should make love tonight" Mac sighed.

"How come, baby?" he asked as he moved her still - damp hair away from her forehead.

"It feels more like a 'holding' night" Mac said.

He nestled in closer to her. "Then let's do that, on one condition."

"What's that?" Mac asked softly.

"One night" he said, "in the near future, we see if it's actually possible to outdo that night in Corpus Christi."

"Mmhmm" Mac murmured. "And I have the perfect place to do that."

"Oh, do you now?" he asked, kissing her cheek.

"I do" Mac replied. "How's Cape Cod and vicinity sound to you? A whole week in two weeks. Just you and me. After all, you promised me a trip."

He smiled. "Indeed I did. That sounds like a week I'll remember for a very long time."

"I talked to AJ and he's willing to keep the baby for us" Mac sighed. "And Mattie, too. It will be wonderful" she smiled, and stifled a yawn.

"Actually" he said as a yawn of his own crept in, "what about asking my mom and Frank to come out and stay with the kids?"

"Harm..." Mac sighed, mind automatically thinking of the last time Trish had babysat for Ainsley.

"I know, I know" he said gently. "You swore never again, but that was before you and mom talkd and made up. Besides, Ainsley is a lot older now, and the same situation just isn't gonna happen."

Mac was quiet, she knew he was right, but she was still afraid. "Do you think they could make it the right day? I already have the plane tickets."

"Sweetie, they have their own jet" he reminded her. "I'm sure Frank can pull things together, don't worry."

"I'm a mommy" Mac reminded him. "Its my job to worry. This is really important to you, isn't it?"

He shrugged. "I guess so. I want all the people who mean the most to me to get along, you know? I want the girls to have a good relationship with their grandparents."

Mac sighed and leaned over to kiss him on the lips. "Okay" she agreed. "They can watch the girls while we're gone. I know your Mom didn't mean to hurt her, and she more than likely won't make that same kind of mistake again, so okay."

Harm smiled. "It'll work out fine, babe" he said. "We'll go have a romantic week away, and everything here will be just fine."

Mac snuggled in closer and yawned again. "I know it will. I feel that. What do you say to some sleep?"

"I say sleep would be wonderful" sighed Harm. "Think we'll get much before the Little Miss wakes up to nurse?"

"Probably a couple hours" Mac mumbled. "I love you."

"Love you, too" he whispered, kissing her cheek as she drifted off.

A/N: We can all exhale now, the "quals issue" is a thing of the past! Just for the record, I knew all along he wasn't going to do them, but I wanted a little drama over the matter, so I left it in the realm of possibility for awhile. Chapter 88 coming as soon as I can manage, I promise!