A/N: It's been a long time coming, and for that I apologize, but here's the next chapter. :) Huge thanks again to She'sAShipper for everything she does, and everything she is.
Chapter 91:
Sleep evaded Mac again that night, so she got up early and took her morning shower, then climbed back in bed next to Harm and watched him sleep. He shifted and snuggled in close to her. When he awoke Mac was still beside him, his head pillowed by her breast as she stroked the tiny hairs on the back of his neck with her hand.
"Morning, beautiful" he said.
"Morning yourself" Mac smiled. "Are you feeling better?"
"Much" he replied.
"You fell asleep in the middle of your massage" she said. "You never do that."
"I was tired" he said, moving her bangs off her forehead. "We did a lot yesterday, plus the heat and humidity - I'm in pretty good shape, but that wore me totally out."
"Up to some more today?" she asked. "Today we drive to Plymouth."
"Can't wait" he said with a grin. "Let's get moving, I wanna get some breakfast before it's all picked over."
"I'll go" Mac offered. "I already took a shower."
"You showered and then got back in bed?" he asked.
"Mmhmm" Mac replied. "I felt like snuggling you."
"Do you remember anything I said to you last night?" Mac asked as she slipped out of bed.
He thought for a moment. "No, I sure don't."
"We'll talk about it after breakfast" Mac smiled. "Bagel?"
"Sounds good" he said, rising from the bed.
Mac smiled and went to get their food. She was back just as Harm came out of the shower. "You look so much better."
"Feels better" he said, rubbing a towel through his hair.
"Bagel with low fat cream cheese" Mac announced. "And yes before you ask me, there's coffee."
He laughed. "Not gonna let me live that down, huh?"
"I might if you'll still forgive me" Mac sighed, feeling like she needed to repeat her apology since he did not recall it.
"For what?" he asked, opening the cream cheese.
"For my moodiness" Mac replied. "And for trying to influence your decision about the baby. I'm sorry."
He looked up at her. "It's okay. I know we're not together on this, and that's hard, but we'll get through it."
Mac smiled, "I know we will. Now eat up, I have another full day planned."
Mac and Harm packed up their belongings and began the two hour drive to Plymouth. They arrived at their hotel, the John Carver Inn and checked in their luggage. The room was large, decorated in colonial style and possessed all the amenities a fine hotel would. Mac smiled. She liked the bedspread, a hunter green floral. "Honey, I love this spread."
"It's pretty" he agreed. "The whole room is pretty."
"Thanks" she smiled. "You know I was thinking..."
"About what?" he asked, wrapping his arms around his bride.
"Redecorating our room, making it more...I don't know, more the Rabbs, instead of Harm and Mac. Does that make sense?"
"Yeah, it does" he smiled. "We'll think about it."
"Okay" she smiled. "What do you want to do first? The traditional Plymouth, Massachusetts stuff, Plymouth rock, the Mayflower?" She said those at the regular tone, the dropped to a softer, more romantic one. "A romantic dinner and dancing sunset cruise."
"I've gotta say" he said, "those last two sound positively irresistible." He pulled her close for a soft, sweet kiss.
"Then let's get going. I have to get beautiful before we sail. It leaves at 1730" Mac replied.
"You're way ahead of schedule" he said softly, his way of telling her she was already beautiful.
"Oh, Harm" she sighed. "We have full day ahead of us. Put on those comfortable shoes, not the ones you wore yesterday. I know they hurt your feet."
"Not too much" he said, "but my other ones are probably a better choice for tonight."
"We'll have time to change anyway" Mac smiled. "Let's get rolling."
"Show the way, my dear" he said.
Mac took his hand and they strolled down a few blocks until they saw the crowd of people around a large stone structure. "That must be it" Mac smiled.
"Probably" he said.
"You don't seem too excited" she sighed.
"I am" he assured her. "I'm just kind of dragging today; guess maybe I didn't sleep too well last night. I'm excited, sweetie, I promise."
"You slept like a log, honey" Mac said with concern, carelessly revealing her own secret and praying he wouldn't catch on.
"You think so?" he asked. "Hmm...Well, whatever it is, it'll pass. We'll have a nice, romantic dinner and I'm sure the cruise is gonna be amazing."
"Do you want to go back the room and lie down? I can do this on my own" she offered. She didn't want him worn out.
"No way" he said adamantly. "I think I just need a little caffeine and I'll perk right up. I wouldn't miss doing this for anything." He gave her a light peck on the cheek.
"Let's get a frappe before we go look at the rock" Mac smiled, and steered him towards a coffee stand.
Ten minutes later Harm had coffee in his system and he and Mac stepped closer to the enclosure that held America's most famous rock.
It was old, weather worn, but still for those with an ounce of patriotism, it stirred emotions. "Everything we stand for" Mac sighed, "started right here."
"Yeah, it did" he said. "Seems insignificant until you really look at it like that."
Mac turned to Harm and looked up at him. She set her face in a tiny pout and held his gaze.
"Oh, what's that for? Keep it up and a bird's gonna come land on that lip" he kidded.
"Give me what I want then" Mac said and batted her eyes.
He leaned down and gave her a kiss, this one a little more sensual that the others. "There" he smiled. "Feel better?"
Mac's face brightened with a broad smile. "Much. Onward?" she asked and pointed to the replica ship in the harbor.
"Lead on" he said, reaching out for her hand.
Mac took the hand and together they purchased their tickets. The Mayflower 2 was made exactly to scale of the original Mayflower and resembled all ships of the period, wooden with low head clearance. "Watch your head, baby" she warned as they stepped below the topside deck and descended into the passenger hold.
"I will" he said, his voice indicating his lingering frustration over what'd happened at the home of Paul Revere.
"Maybe that's why you were so tired, the heat and that bump" she sighed, fussing over him so much that she didn't pay attention to one very low beam at the bottom of the steps.
"Mac!" he exclaimed.
"Oh" she moved her hand to her head. "Ow!"
"You okay, sweetie?" he asked, immediately putting his hand over hers upon her bump.
"I think so" Mac sighed. "I'm seeing stars. Let me just get off the stairs."
"Come on over here with me" he said, leading her slowly by the hand off of the staircase.
Mac nodded, the pain from that smack making her shoulders ache. "I am so sorry that I laughed yesterday" she apologized.
"'S okay" he said. "You need to sit down or you wanna continue?"
"Just let me clear my head a minute" she sighed, leaning against him. "Don't tell me that had a watch your head sign."
He went and looked. "Nope, no sign."
"Okay" Mac sighed. "If I can get a hug and kiss, I think I'll live."
Glad to oblige her, he gave her exactly what she asked for. "Shall we, my love?"
"Yes, let's" Mac replied and started to roam around the hold. "The first Pilgrim baby born in the United States was born here, on a cot just like this one" the guide said. The cot was straw, dirty straw, and shoved in a corner of the ship.
"Can you imagine giving birth on that?" he whispered to Mac.
Mac shook her head, "If I had to I could I suppose. It's not much different now than then."
"How do you figure that?" he asked quietly.
"Pain is pain, I chose the natural way so it's the same on a couch, in a hospital, or on a straw cot" Mac replied. "I told you I was considering a birthing center."
Harm nodded. "Yeah, and I told you I think it's awfully risky."
"They have a doctor" Mac replied. "Seriously, there's nothing wrong with me that makes birthing in a center risky." This as the strolled along to the exit stairs.
"We'll look into it" he said, sensing it was something she was truly interested in, though he still had some concerns.
They emerged from the ship and turned their steps towards the beach area just beyond it, "What's the problem with it, Harm?" Mac pressed.
He sighed. "I don't really know much about it" he began, "but I like the idea of you being in a hospital, where if anything goes really wrong really quickly, they can wheel you into the OR and get the baby out in 60 seconds. I'm willing to look at it closer, though."
"They can do that at a center, too" Mac replied. "But we will investigate it before we decide. I promise. Now, its 1540; I have some work to do to get beautiful for tonight. Do you want to go for a swim or hit the gym at the hotel while I do that?"
"Yeah, I think I'll go swim awhile" he said.
"I need you to promise two things first" she said as they turned off the main street and began to walk to the hotel.
"Name them" he said softly.
"One you won't come back to the room until 1655 and two, don't over do it. I don't want you worn out tonight" Mac told him.
"Understood on both counts" he smiled.
"You still owe me a massage" she reminded him
"I sure do" he said. "Don't worry though, I'm good for it." He winked at her and smiled just a bit.
"Did you call your mom yet today?" Mac asked. "We were in such a hurry..."
"No, I didn't" he said. "I will though."
"We are the world's worst parents" Mac sighed. "We forgot to call and check on our baby."
"She's fine Mac" he said. "Mom learned her lesson, she'll call if Ainsley sneezes one too many times. Don't worry."
"I know, I just like to hear her talk. The baby, I mean" Mac smiled. "She's so vocal now."
He smiled. "Mm-hmm, she is, but you best hit that shower if you wanna have time to 'get beautiful'."
Mac gave him a sly smile. "So now I need time, huh?"
"Two or three seconds at least" he replied.
She laughed. "Okay, I'm hitting the shower. You hit the pool. 1655, remember."
"Not a minute sooner" he promised.
Mac showered and got out the dress she'd brought for the dinner cruise. It was a black dress that came to the mid-thigh. It had a V-neck that revealed her the slender slope of her shoulders and the valley between her breasts. It was a plain dress, but possessed a simple elegance that enchanted Mac and she hoped Harm as well.
With her dress on and he hair swept up in a twist, she left Harm a note and departed the hotel at 1650.
When Harm returned from his swim at 1656, he found their room empty.
"Mac?" he called, looking around for a moment before spying the note. He opened and read it, his smile growing a little wider with each word. "Harm, meet me at the dock at 1725. Your clothes are on the bed. Love, Mac."
Harm turned to see his dress whites laid out of the bed. Hurriedly he showered and put them on making sure he was looking his best before he went down to the docks.
He saw Mac standing there when he approached, hair upswept in her black mini dress. Her back was to him as she gazed out over the water as it lapped at the rock shoals.
"You look amazing" was all he could think of to say.
Mac turned and smiled, "Well, I am flattered, Sir" she replied. "You're not so bad yourself."
"Oh, this old thing?" he said, nodding down to his uniform. "My wife laid it out for me, nothing special." He couldn't keep a straight face as he said it.
"You're married and you're flattering me?" she replied. "Questionable behavior for an officer."
"Ah, yeah, I suppose so" he said, stepping towards her. "Would you think me forward if I asked you to join me for dinner?"
"Certainly I would" Mac replied. "Is your wife not with you this evening?"
"No" he said, placing a hand softly against her face. "Seems an angel has taken her place."
Mac leaned into his touch. "Do you really think so?" she asked.
"I know so" he whispered, moving in for a chaste kiss on the lips.
"Harm, I know I haven't..." she began against his lips once their kiss broke. In the distance the boarding whistle sounded.
"Ready to go?" he asked lovingly, reaching down to take her hand.
Mac nodded and let him cradle her hand in his. "Harm, did you hear me before?"
He shook his head. "Sorry, I didn't."
"I said that I was sorry for...you know, not being..." She sighed and leaned against his arm.
"Is this about...bedroom things?" he asked, squeezing her hand a little.
She nodded. "Yes" Mac replied. "I want...I want to try tonight, if that's okay. I can't promise but...I want to be with you."
Harm stopped in his tracks, and subsequently Mac with him. "Look at me, sweetie" he asked gently.
"We'll be late" Mac replied but looked up at his ice blue gaze.
"No, we're fine" he said. "Baby, you don't ever have to ask if it's okay for you to be with me. I know this'll come out sounding completely 'male', but... Being with you means so much to me; it's such a special part of what we have together. I'll never, ever grow tired of it, and as long as you'll have me, I'll be there."
Mac smiled and felt her eyes tear up. "I know. But there's something that I want to talk about, about us, but later. Now is for romance, and that boat is about to leave."
Taking hold of her hand a little tighter, he stepped up the pace and they made it to the boat with mere seconds to spare.
They were seated at a table along the window so they could watch the beautiful Plymouth shoreline disappear as they headed out towards Cape Cod. It was a two and a half hour ride; they'd dock just as the sunset. Mac ordered a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne and they ordered a dinner for two which included an appetizer of oysters, a salad, and the choice of salmon, lobster, or filet mignon. Mac chose the steak, Harm chose the salmon. "Do you like it?" she asked as she dipped an oyster in the cocktail sauce.
"Love it" he said as he took a bite. "Haven't had this in ages."
"I meant the cruise itself" Mac clarified. "But these are nice oysters.
"They are" he agreed. "The cruise, though, is even better."
"Do you feel up to a bit of dancing later?" Mac asked.
"I do" he replied with a smile.
"How was the swim?" Mac asked him, reaching down to pick up an oyster and put it on her fork. Slowly she moved the fork to his mouth.
"It was nice" he said, taking the oyster off her fork. "Swimming seems to help my back, most of the time."
"I knew it" she sighed.
"You knew that my back was bothering me?" he asked. "It was some, but nothing too bad. Don't worry, baby, this trip won't end with me in horrible shape by the time we get back, I promise you."
"You told me it was fine" Mac sighed. "Obviously it isn't."
"Its just achy from all the walking" he said gently. "Please, don't worry to the point that it ruins our night. Tonight is supposed to be special."
"It'll be special" Mac replied. "But I reserve the right to revisit this topic in the morning."
"That's fine" he said, reaching for another oyster. "I can't wait till we dock."
"Why you think we're going to make love or something?" she asked, offering him the last oyster.
"Mac!" he replied. "I'm shocked at your implication that we'd do such a thing in the out-of-doors." Again, he couldn't keep a straight face, thinking back to their honeymoon.
"Then why else can't you wait to dock?" Mac asked.
"Because I've never been to Cape Cod" he said, taking a sip of his drink. "All the time I've lived up here, never made it out there."
Mac looked sad and studied her plate.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yes, honey, this boat is a round trip. It doesn't dock at the Cape" Mac said softly.
He looked confused. "Oh, okay. Well then, I can't wait to see the Cape - we will at least see the Cape, won't we?"
"Not quite" Mac frowned. "It's too far for this cruise."
He sighed, then smiled and took both her hands in his. "That's okay; I'd rather look at you anyway."
"I do have some good news" Mac said.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Day after tomorrow, we spent the night at a romantic restored Bed and Breakfast in fabulous Cape Cod" Mac announced.
"Really?" he asked, his eyes lighting up.
"Really" she replied. "That's our last stop on this trip."
"Sounds wonderful" he said, still smiling at her. "A wonderful way to end a wonderful trip."
Mac smiled. "It has been so far hasn't it? Did you ever call your Mom?"
"Mm-hmm" he answered. "Baby's fine, Mattie's fine, nothing much to report."
"Did she do anything cute?" Mac asked.
"Nothing more so than usual I don't guess" he said. "Mom usually tells us if she does, so she must not have."
Mac nodded, "Good."
"Ladies and gentleman, the Pilgrim Belle would like to present the vocal styling of Mr. Andy Montery and the Pilgrim Belle band."
The band began the set with a classic song with a nice beat to get the guests hearts going, but soon settled down into softer romantic pieces given the mood of the evening. Halfway through the salad course Mac let out a soft sound. "Oh."
"What?" he asked as he stabbed at his salad with his fork.
Mac shook her head. "Oh, nothing. I have to use the ladies room."
Immediately concerned, Harm started to stand up. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah, yeah" Mac assured him. "I'm fine. I just need to use the bathroom."
"Okay..." he said, hoping she was telling him the truth.
Of course, Mac wasn't telling the whole truth. She didn't really have to use the bathroom, but that was the only way she could discreetly slip a note to the band singer without Harm noticing.
"Feel better?" he asked upon her return.
"Yes, a bit too much cider" Mac replied.
"Yeah" he said, "you polished off over half that bottle, my dear" he said.
"Tastes good" she replied just as the band singer announced. "Our next dance is a special request. And we only have one rule about requests, if you ask for a song; you have to dance to it. So would Commander and Mrs. Harmon Rabb please indulge us as we entertain you with, Can you Feel the Love Tonight?"
Harm looked at Mac with eyes wide as saucers, then he began to smile. "Bathroom, my foot."
"I went in there to write the note" Mac replied.
Harm shook his head and rose from his chair. "May I have this dance, my love?"
Mac nodded. "That was my plan." She smiled and let him lead her onto the dance floor. He took her into his arms and they swayed to the song that played at their wedding. Mac reached up and caressed his cheek. "Did I ever say thank you?"
"Yes" he said. "Did I?"
Mac shook her head. "I'm sorry, you missed my point there."
"Then by all means" he said, "re-direct me, sweetie."
"I meant about…" she reached up and touched the gold wings he could still wear for two more weeks. "These. For giving these up, for me, for Ainsley. Thank you."
He leaned down and captured her lips in a beautiful kiss. "You're welcome."
As the song began to wind down, Mac deepened their kiss. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
Once the song was over, Harm led Mac back to their seats. Their meals came and they enjoyed the dinner, though Mac grew quieter, her thoughts retreating into herself.
"Penny for your thoughts, beautiful?" he said softly as he realized how quiet she'd become.
"Before I go there" Mac sighed. "I just...are you really sure you want to get back into trying?"
He nodded. "Not quite yet, but pretty soon, yeah. Why? Are you having second thoughts?"
"No, but I've been thinking about something else. Trying for Ainsley, even as fast as it took, it was really hard on me..."
"I remember" he said. "It was hard on us."
Mac took a sip of her cider. "Not in the same way."
"No, definitely not" agreed Harm. "What brought this back tonight?"
"Well, all I'm trying to say was...it was hard on me physically and emotionally and...I'm not sure I can go through that again..."
Harm reached out and took both of her hands once more. "Do you need more time, maybe? Don't rush into anything you're not ready for. Heaven knows I'm not ready just yet, and if you're unsure, it's okay."
Mac shook her head, "Stop cutting me off. I'm trying to get this out."
"I'm sorry, baby" he said. "Go ahead."
"I'm not sure I can go through all that again" she repeated. "While I'm working at JAG." Her voice dropped off as she said the last part.
"Mac" gasped Harm. "You're thinking of resigning your commission?"
"I've considered it" she replied. "But no, I'm thinking, when we get back into treatment, I'm going to put in for extended leave. Maybe I'll go back, maybe not...but I don't want to burn the bridge just yet. But I don't want to put my body or yours through the strain of working, caring for Ainsley and Mattie, and trying for another baby. I just don't."
He pondered her words carefully. "If it's something you feel strongly about, I'm okay with it."
Mac smiled, "Good."
With that off her chest Mac relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the evening until the boat docked back at the slip. Mac held onto Harm extra tight when they stepped off the gang plank, making him laugh at her slightly. In the cool breeze, she snuggled up to him. "What do you want to do now?" she asked, looking out on the water, mesmerized by the beauty of the setting sun reflecting off the water.
"Let's take a walk" he suggested.
Mac smiled. "Out on the shoals?" she asked, hopeful. She wanted to walk in full view of the romantic sunset.
"Yeah" said Harm. "Think you can manage that in those shoes?"
"Sure" Mac replied. "Sure you can manage..." She caught herself. She'd promised.
"I'll be just fine" he said, knowing she was worrying unduly.
Hand-in-hand, they walked out along the shoals as the sun continued to set. They didn't talk, except for the occasional comment on how pretty it looked out there along the waters edge. After walking a fair distance, Harm suggested they take some time to just sit and soak in the beauty around them.
"Wanna stop here for awhile?" he asked her.
"Sure" Mac replied. "Let's just sit here." She slipped off her shoes and sat down on the rock.
He brushed the rock off with his hand. "Trying to keep my pants clean" he said with a smile as he sat down beside her.
"We can retire here" she sighed, gazing out at the water.
"That's a ways off" said Harm.
"Still, wouldn't it be nice. To move out here, watch our grandchildren play?" she asked
"Wow, grandchildren" he said, shaking his head. "Hard to think about Ainsley ever being a mom, or Mattie for that matter. They're still our little girls, you know?"
"They'll always be our little girls" Mac smiled. "And the next one, he'll be our little boy, forever."
"You really think the next one will be a boy, huh?" he asked. "Not that I'd mind, but either would be fine with me."
"You want a son" Mac sighed. "Don't you?"
"If God chooses to give me one" he replied. "If not, another daughter would thrill me beyond belief."
Mac smiled again and reached her legs out so they were across his lap. "I really don't want to wait too much longer" she told him.
"I know" he said softly. "I wish I was ready now, but I'm just not. You're not either, not medically."
"I don't understand how you keep saying that" she said softly as he lifted one of her small feet and began to work the arch.
"Saying what? That I'm not ready?" he asked.
Mac shook her head, "That and that I'm not. I don't understand either of those comments."
"Well" he began, "Your body isn't where it needs to be for us to try again yet, and I guess you could say my heart isn't where it needs to be yet. It seems completely crazy, I know, but I'm just not there yet. Ainsley is still so little, I...It makes no sense, and I can't explain it any better than to say I'll be ready when Dr. Kendall says everything is set, that much I can promise."
Mac sighed. "Harm, look at me."
He turned to face her, his blue eyes locking with her brown ones.
"I'm in good health" Mac replied. "Really. I am medically ready to have another baby. I know that. So stop worrying about that and stop using that to extend the wait."
"I'm not 'using' that for anything" he said in self-defense. "But it seems like you're clinging to what the doctor said about some patients conceiving before their cycles noticeably start up again. Are you? Is that what you want to try for?"
"No, I mean yes...but..."Mac stopped."I just want you to want it as much as I do. Is that so much?" She asked this softly, without the edge her earlier words had carried.
He knew she was hurting. "I do want it as badly as you, Mac. I'm just...I guess I'm afraid."
"Of what?" she asked, pulling her legs back so her knees were bent. She wrapped her arms around them and laid her head on her knees.
He shrugged as he searched for the right words. "Everything that you have to go through, I guess. My part is easy; a tad embarrassing at times, but easy. Your part - you have to go through so much."
"It's my body" Mac replied. "If I want to go through it, I should be able to whenever I want to. But...I want you to support me. I supported you."
"Mac" he said, "you make it sound like it's me against you, like we're working independently on this. We're talking about creating another child together - together, as in between you and me - I do support you, our timetables are just a little different."
That did it. Her breath caught and she began to cry. "You just don't understand."
He sighed, feeling awful for pushing her to tears on what had begun as a very romantic night. Silently, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in close, holding her as she cried.
After a couple moments, he spoke. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry, sweetie."
"You don't understand" she sobbed. "You don't."
"You're right" he replied. "I don't understand what its like to be you, and you don't understand what its like to be me. We can share a lot, but some things we only know through experience. I love you so much, Mac, and I'll stand by you through this whole thing, however long it takes this next time."
Mac's breath was hitching as she tried to calm herself. "What if it doesn't happen?" she asked, for the first time her fears rushing up. She was scared of failing, but that wasn't the only thing, and Harm knew it.
"Then we'll be even more thankful for our little girl at home" he replied. "But I think it'll happen. We did it once, no reason to think we can't do it again."
"That's...I'm scared of what it will mean if it doesn't happen again. I'm scared of what it will do to me, to our marriage...to everything." She sobbed into his chest.
"Oh, Mac" he said softly. "Don't think like that. Our marriage will be just fine. We'll get through whatever comes at us, I promise."
She sniffled and rubbed her cheek against his chest. "I want to go back now" she said softly.
"Okay" he said, kissing the top of her head. "You know how much I love you, don't you?"
She nodded, "I do. And I love you too, but this whole thing...it just makes me so crazy. Let's just go back. I'm not really feeling well right now."
"Okay, love" he said, pushing himself up off the rock and offering her his hands to help stand up.
Mac slipped her shoes back on and leaned against Harm as the walked back in the night darkness. "I love you," Mac whispered. "Never doubt that. You might frustrate me sometimes, but I do love you."
"I know you do" he said. "I know."
"Promise me we'll always be like this" she requested as they stepped off the rock shoal and turned towards their hotel.
"If you mean we'll always be madly in love" he said, "I promise."
A/N: More to come soon, I promise!