A/N: The usual apology applies...real life has been a bit nuts, thus my postings have suffered.. :( The usual thanks also apply to my partner-in-crime, dearest friend and "little sister" She'sAShipper. Love you, girly, you're amazing... :)!
Chapter 92:
Mac smiled a tiny smile but kept herself wrapped in his arm until they reached their room. "Bath time, Sailor she told him and gave him a tiny push towards the bathroom. "Twenty minute soak."
"I showered before I got dressed for dinner" he said. "You think I need a bath?"
"I think you need a soak" Mac replied. "Get in there. I need a little bit of time anyway."
"Oh, okay" he said with a grin. "Twenty minutes, right?"
"Did you do your back therapy before?" she asked. "I've only seen you do it twice this week."
"No" he admitted. "I will though."
"Do it now" Mac ordered. "Then twenty minutes."
"Yes, my dear" he answered, closing the bathroom door as he unbuttoned his jacket.
Mac used the time to collect her feelings and fix her face. Then she turned down the large bed and pulled out the candles she'd stashed in there earlier. Carefully she lit them, and then changed out of her dress and into a long white nightgown. She slipped inside the bed, cuddled up with Harm's pillow, and waited.
Harm finished with his therapy exercises and took a long, hot shower, making sure to take at least twenty minutes if not a couple more. He dried off with one of the large, plush bath towels this hotel provided to its guests, then wrapped it around his waist and ran a comb through his wet hair. After he brushed his teeth and made sure his hair wouldn't dry sticking straight up, he opened the bathroom door and flipped off the light. It was then hat he got his first glimpse of Mac, lying there in all her beauty.
"You took a shower" she laughed. "Come on over here."
"What's all this?" he asked softly, looking at the candles as he crawled into bed beside her, towel still around his waist.
"Romance" she replied. "What's this?" she asked, hooking one finger inside the towel and flicking the knot out of it.
"It's my bath towel" he answered. "Is it a problem?"
Mac pushed a bit harder on the knot until it dislodged. "Not anymore."
"My, my, aren't we being bold tonight?" he asked, a smile on his face and a sparkle in his eyes.
"We are" Mac smiled. "And we are also very lonely" she sighed and opened her arms to him, inviting him into a place where he'd longed to be for three long weeks.
He kicked the towel the rest of the way off and crawled over to her, accepting her embrace with a passionate kiss.
She leaned up into the kissed, opening her mouth to accept his warm soft tongue. He used it to explore her mouth, moving it back and forth, in and out, showing Mac the tenderness and passion he intended for her with other parts of his body. "Mmmm" Mac said.
"I've missed you" he whispered against her ear.
"I missed you" she replied. "I just hope...you know."
"Me too" he whispered. "I'll do my best."
"It wasn't your fault" Mac replied. "It this damned disease and the pills...I love you" she gasped as she felt his hand run down her collar bone across the top of her breast.
He leaned down and began kissing her collar bone, and then he stopped and looked at her. "You think maybe that's the problem?" he asked, referring to her body being a bit out-of-balance.
"I do," Mac replied. "I know what it's not though."
"And what's that?" he asked.
She reached her hand up and stroked her cheek. "It's not you or how you touch me. I love that, I love you. I'm really missing you" she replied.
"Well, we can't have that, now can we?" he said, once again brushing his hand across the top, left to right, very softly.
At that tiny touch, Mac gasped. "Oh...Harm. Oh, God that's so good. So...oh...God what are you doing?"
"Touching you" he replied softly. "You like it?"
Already her breath was coming is fast short gasps so aroused was she by his caresses, "Yes, oh...What are you doing different?"
"Nothing" he said, slipping one of her nightie straps down off her shoulder. "Do you want me to do something different?"
"Feels..." she gasped. "Different. So good." Mac squirmed beneath his touch moving to help him ease the nightgown off her arms. "Oh..."
He moved to kiss her lips. "Somehow, I think you'll be okay tonight" he whispered against them.
Mac opened her mouth and nearly devoured his lips with the strength of her kisses. "Oh...Harm, my God...I..." With that she positioned her thigh in between their bodies and used the leverage to flip them over, so he landed hard on the bed with 127 pounds of sexy and aroused Marine on top of him.
"Calling the shots?" he asked, a sensual smile on his face.
Mac didn't reply, she just leaned over him and began kissing her way up his jaw line to his earlobe. She took his lobe in her mouth and sucked a bit, then pulled back and lapped at the sensitive tissue with her tongue.
"Mmm...Oh, God Mac" he moaned. "That's nice..."
"You like that, huh?" she asked, her hot breath against his ear.
"Mmm...yeah" he whispered.
"How about this?" she asked, and proceeded to blow hot breath in his ear before returning to the work on his lobe.
"Ohhh..." was all he could say.
As she continued to slowly torture her husband by working on the sensitive flesh of his earlobe she ran her hand down his long, sculpted body.
His only response was writhing against his pillow.
"Nice" he answered, reaching over to touch her thigh beneath her nightgown, slowly running his hand upwards, just high enough to tease her.
"Oh," Mac gasped just at the light sensation. "Oh...Take it off me" she gasped.
"My pleasure" he said, his voice low and deep as he took either side of the garment in his hands and slowly pulled it down off her body. "Get it the rest of the way, baby."
Mac took her hands and pushed the nightie over her hips. She knelt over him as she did so, revealing her full nakedness to his view.
He could feel his heart skip a beat, maybe two, as he stared at her bare form. "Mac..."
"What? What are you thinking right now, Sailor?" she asked in a breathy whisper, reaching and running her hands down her body instead of his, showing him perhaps how she wanted to be touched.
"How unbelievably gorgeous you are" he replied softly, his heart pounding within his chest. "Even after the baby, you look amazing..."
"No" she smiled. "Only because you love me" Mac replied and reached for his hands.
He reached out and met her half-way, and they sat for a moment, holding hands and staring into one another's eyes with complete and total adoration. Had anyone seen them at that moment, there would have been no question in their mind that this couple was just about as perfect a match as ever came together on this planet.
Mac broke that moment a second later when she pulled his hands closer and placed them on her breasts. "I used to dream of you doing this to me. I used to dream that you'd come to me after a rough night on a case to check on me, and that you'd take me in your arms and hold me."
"I didn't know that" he said, his hands moving gently against her soft skin.
"I dreamt of that so long" Mac sighed and leaned over so her body was resting on his. "You know when it started?"
"No" he answered. "Tell me."
"Chief Petty Officer Holst" Mac replied.
"Really?" asked Harm, wrapping his arms around her back. "How come?"
"That was one of my toughest cases. You came to my room and I was just from my shower. I'd been so mean to you...I dreamed for months after that you would have sat with me and taken me in your arms after I told you what I did about my father. Then you would have said something like, 'but you beat him', or 'you're better than that' and I'd have smiled."
"You are better than that" he said. "And I love you so, so much."
"Aren't you the least bit curious?" she asked, sticking her tongue out to place a wet kiss on his chin.
"'Bout what?" he asked, moving his chin down to catch her lips with his.
"About what happened next?" Mac laughed. "Once you finished telling me nice things."
"You bet I am" he said, softly rubbing her tummy.
"Well, I was crying a little and you reached up and wiped the tears off my cheek like you did that time we thought Webb got killed by Palmer. I moved my hand to cover yours and you looked into my eyes. I asked you, 'Do you think I'm worth something?' And you said, 'Of course you are, Mac,' and then you leaned down and gave me this tiny little kiss..."
In the absence of her tears, he reached up and cupped her face with his hand. "You're worth more than 'something', Mac. You're worth everything to me."
She smiled. "And you to me. Once you kissed me...well, before I knew it, my pink fluffy robe was gone...and we were making love. You were making me feel like a woman, like I was more than just who I was. That's how you make me feel, you know?"
"You are more" he said sweetly. "You're a woman, a mother; you're my wife, my lover...my very best friend..." His voice faded out as he pulled her face in close for an earth-moving kiss.
Mac returned the emotions of the kiss and smiled against his mouth. "I can only be those things because of you" she replied. "You were the first man who really..."
"Those other guys didn't realize what they had right in front of them" said Harm. "I don't ever want to take you for granted, Mac. I can only be who I am because of you, because of the way you love me."
There were no words for a while after that. She leaned against him and kissed his lips, his cheeks, down his neck and all the way back down his body once again her hands following the path of her mouth. "Harm..." she breathed against the sensitive skin of his knee and pressed her face against his muscular thigh.
"Hmm?" he replied, his heart once again beating fast from her attentions.
"I want you" she told him. "I want you so badly."
"I want you, too, baby" he whispered, sitting up and reaching out to bring her nearer. He took her lips in the most intense kiss they'd shared all evening, perhaps all week. He lay back against his pillow, holding her on top of him for a moment before rolling to the side and pinning her beneath him. He pulled back and gazed into her eyes. "God, you're so amazing..."
Mac smiled, "Make me feel amazing" she told him.
He leaned in close again, once more kissing her lips, her neck, her shoulder.
Mac moaned in her throat as his lips caressed her flesh. "Oh, Harm" she gasped. "That's...Oh, it feels good."
"Mm-hmm" he said, taking time to pay attention to every place he could reach from his position.
"I love you" Mac gasped. "I love what you do to me. Please" she whined and lifted her hips. "Please."
"Calm down, baby" he whispered. "I have a better idea."
Mac raised her eyebrow, "Oh, and what would that be?" Mac asked. "I can't..."
"Shh..." he said softly. "Just let me take care of you." He placed his hand upon her tummy, moving it oh-so-slowly towards the place she was begging him to go.
"Uh..." Mac made a tiny noise of anticipation. "I..."
At that moment, his hand reached its destination. He touched her body softly, so softly he wasn't sure if she even felt it, but he knew if she did, she'd make it known.
"Mm," she sighed and pressed her sex against his hand. "Yes. Oh..."
"Feel alright?" he asked, continuing his gentle caresses.
"So good," she breathed. "But I need you."
"Okay" he replied, his voice little more than a whisper.
"What's wrong?" she asked, the softness of his voice making her fear she'd disappointed him.
"Nothing, baby" he answered. "You're fine. I'm just...thinking."
"About?" Mac asked. "Oh...I know what about." She turned her face to the side as the pain came rushing back.
"No, no, Mac" he said tenderly, gently rubbing her leg as he spoke. "Don't get upset, please. I…It's not an issue tonight, okay?"
"Then why haven't you..." she began."Why are you hesitating?"
"I'm sorry, baby" he replied. "I was hesitating because I was wondering why, if I want to start being careful, it didn't occur to me to bring anything to use this week. Know what my conclusion is?"
"Because you're a guy?" Mac asked with a tiny smile.
He smiled a little in reply. "Well, that too, but no...I concluded that this week is too special to worry about 'being careful' when...well..." He didn't have to finish his thought; they both knew the rest of it.
Mac nodded, she knew what he meant, why be careful when it didn't seem necessary? But she ached so badly for him that it didn't seem to matter. "Then" she caressed his cheeks. "No worries."
"No worries" he repeated, coming in close for a kiss. "Now, where were we?"
"You were just about to make the aching stop" Mac reminded him and lifted her hips.
"I was, wasn't I?" he asked, moving his body atop hers, and without further hesitation, joining the two as one.
They kept the motion slow, soft, and unhurried. This was a reunion for them of sorts, and both wanted to enjoy it, to savor it. But alas, the rhythm had to build and as slowly as they went up, they came down, whispering words of love the entire journey.
He snuggled in close to her. "How was it?" he whispered, placing an angel kiss on her cheek.
"Wonderful" she smiled. "I've missed it."
"Me, too, sweetie" he said. "Did it 'feel right' this time? It didn't hurt you, did it?"
"No" Mac replied. "No but it still felt different."
"Good different?" he asked, running his fingers through her hair. "Or bad?"
"I felt so much" she said. "So much more."
"Maybe because we haven't done it in awhile" he suggested.
"No" she replied. "I think...I hope we might have seen the opposite extreme of that hormone thing."
He thought for a moment. "You know, I bet that's what it was. I bet everything, all the changes your body is dealing with, cutting back on feeding the baby and all; I bet that's what did it."
Mac nodded and bit on her lip. "And I'm about two seconds from another hormone surge so get ready to hold me."
"Oh, Mac" he said, wrapping both arms around her tight. "Let it go, sweetie. I'm right here."
And she did that, burying her face in his chest she cried out the despair she knew she'd feel in another few weeks when she on a lark took a pregnancy test to see if they'd gotten their miracle. She knew what it would say; she knew how it would feel, but she also knew that she'd still do that damned test. She whispered to him as she sobbed, and he made out little of it. In fact he only made out three words. "You were right."
"About what?" he asked softly, rocking her back and forth within his embrace.
"About why I don't want to use birth control" she sniffled.
"Because you want to see if we can make it happen on our own" he said. "Right?"
"No," Mac replied. "I just want it to happen anyway it can. I don't...any time we make love is a chance to try I guess and I just want to try so badly..." She fell off and broke down again.
"Shh..." he soothed. "There's nothing I can say that'll make you feel much better, but I wish there was, baby. I hate seeing you hurt like this."
"There's only one way to fix it, Harm" Mac whimpered.
He sighed. "I know."
"I wish I didn't feel like this but I do" she replied. "And I wish that part of me didn't..."
"Go ahead" he said gently. "Tell me what's in your heart."
"I can't" she replied.
Taking her chin in his hand and lovingly turning it towards him, he spoke to her. "Please, Mac. Don't carry any more of this alone than you have to. I can take it; I want to."
"I can't without hurting you" she replied.
"We're both hurting" he said. "Please let me in."
"Well" she began. "Part of me...part of me is so angry with you for resisting me and the same part doubts...doubts your commitment to it."
He looked at her for a moment, listening carefully to what she'd just said. "I can see that. I'm certainly not acting like I did when we were trying for Ainsley, and I know that has to be fueling your fear and doubt, but please believe me when I say I'm completely committed to you and to having more babies with you...it just doesn't really seem that way sometimes."
"I love you" Mac whispered. "And I know sometimes I'm using the emotions and so on...and...I hate feeling like this. I hate being so weepy and sad. I hate it!" More tears.
He brought her close. "I hate it, too. I hate that we can't have children when we want to, like most every other couple can. It's not fair, no matter how you look at it." He paused for a bit, letting her have a good cry. "Would it make you feel better if I changed my mind?"
"No" she whimpered. "Because I know that's not what you want and I don't want to force you. You'd only resent me for it."
He felt like he was fighting a losing battle. "Can I make you an offer?"
She nodded.
"How about" he began, "we scrap the whole birth control thing, and agree that while we're not going to actually try just yet, we won't 'not try' either? If it happens, it happens."
Mac pulled back from his chest and looked at his face. "You mean that?"
"I do" he answered. "I mean, we pretty much did that tonight; not really any reason to change it. I'm still not really ready, but let's face it, the chances of us conceiving unassisted are about one in a thousand. If this will make you feel any better, consider it done."
Mac's reaction was nothing like what Harm expected. "You...I can't believe you!" she hissed and pulled out of his arms. "The only reason you're agreeing is because you know it won't happen. How...that's even worse than wanting to use the condoms!"
"What do you want from me, Mac?" he asked. "You don't like that I'm not ready yet, and when I make an offer to forget about the birth control - an offer which I thought would make you feel a little bit better - you refuse it and take my head off!"
"I want you...I want you for one day to feel as bad as I do. I want you to feel it so you can truly understand what its like. You don't know, you never will and these little appeasing comments you make, the patronization and empty sweet talk do nothing to dull the pain!" Mac railed. "All they do is make me feel worthless, like I need to be pitied. Well I don't need to be pitied, I need to be understood and you can't do that!"
"You're right" he said, "I can't understand what it's like to be in your shoes, just like you can't understand how it feels in mine. Do you realize that some husbands actually blame their wives - blame them - for having the illness you have and for being the one with the fertility problem? I think that's crazy, and I've never once held a single ounce of resentment against you because I know this isn't your fault, but I'm...I don't know how to deal with all this. I don't know what to say to you, how to tell you how I'm feeling without upsetting you. I feel like I can't win."
Mac stared at him, taking in his words. She knew she was lucky to have him, that other men might not be so supportive, and suddenly the pain and embarrassment were too much. She turned and went into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it, all walls crashing down once she was behind the protective wooden barrier.
As the door on the bathroom slammed, Harm felt another door slam, the one to their attempts at really communicating about what they were going through. If this was how difficult talking about their plight had become; if this was the way it was going to be...he wasn't sure the discussion was worth the pain.
All Mac wanted at that point was for Harm to come to the door and talk to her. She knew he'd never say he was ready to try again, but she wanted to hear something else from him, something simple, only with each passing minute, that seemed less and less likely.
Harm laid in bed and thought long and hard about everything that the last twenty minutes had brought to pass. In that short bit of time, the beast called infertility had once again crept into their happiness and reduced it to ruins. They'd gone from making tender, passionate love to being on opposite sides of a mostly futile battle with the utterance of a few little words. He didn't understand it; he couldn't make sense of why it had to be so hard for them to do something that was supposed to be so simple. As he lay there, fidgeting with his wedding band, a single tear of heartbreak rolled down his cheek.
Mac slowly collected herself and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She'd pushed him too far, hurt him and she knew it. She ran the water until it was hot and washed the tears from her cheeks. She wanted to be held by her husband, and if wouldn't come to her well...With a deep breath and a sorrowful, remorseful heart she turned the door knob.
The sight before her was one she didn't expect to see. Harm was sitting in bed, covers pulled up to his waist, leaning against his pillow, which he'd propped up against the headboard. He was still fidgeting with his wedding band, as he'd been doing for at least ten minutes, only now there were many tears on his cheeks and countless more pooling in his eyes. He heard her open the bathroom door, and he felt her climb into bed beside him. He couldn't look at her; he stayed focused on the band of gold which adorned his left ring finger.
Mac sat down beside him, her own pain temporarily buried. She had to tend to her husband now, to heal the hurt she'd caused. "Harm?" she whispered softly, and reached for his cheek.
The moment he felt her hand touch his face, he lost what little control he had over his tears. He leaned over to rest his head on her shoulder and cry.
Mac stiffened in shock for the briefest of moments before wrapping her arms around him and cradling him close. "Ssh" she soothed. "Let it go. I'm here." Those same words, the same words he so often said to her, she now said to him. "Talk to me, Sweetie."
He found himself unable to say anything at first, too overtaken with his tears and his cries. Eventually, he was able to find his voice. "I hate this" he said, continuing to cry. "Look what's happening to us."
Mac didn't reply for a moment, she didn't understand. "What do you mean?" she finally asked.
"It's tearing us apart" he cried. "We can't share how we feel because it ends up like this, so we keep it inside and everyday it gets harder and harder."
Mac's grip on him tightened. "Oh, Honey I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hurt your feelings but there is just no way a man, any man, even one who loves as much and as completely as you can understand this thing." She kissed his temple. "But it is not tearing us apart. Want to know how I know that?"
He looked her in the eye. "Yeah."
"Well, I think you can answer that yourself. Where do you want to be right now?" she asked, placing a tiny kiss on the tip of his nose.
He put an arm around her back. "With you" he answered, tears still flowing freely but cries beginning to lessen.
"And I want to be with you" Mac replied. "You can infuriate me sometimes, but there is no one, no one that I love more."
"I'm sorry" he said.
"I'm the one who's sorry" Mac replied wiping his tears with the pad of her thumb. "I was horrible to you again and I don't mean to be. I love you."
"I'd be mad in your place, too" he said. "What sense does any of what I'm feeling make? None."
"I have an idea" Mac replied. "From now on when one of us is breaking down, the other just holds. No words or at least no advice. We just love it away, leave the rest alone. Okay?"
He nodded. "I'm trying, Mac. I'm trying my best to keep it together and to be here when you need me, and to make some kind of sense out of what I'm feeling, but it's hard."
"I know it's hard" Mac empathized. "But I think what we really need to do is agree and admit that we can't know how the other feels. You can't know how I feel and I can't know how you feel. What we can do is love each other in spite of it. Can you do that?" Mac asked gently.
"Mm-hmm" he replied, wiping a few late-falling tears from his cheeks.
Mac smiled softly. "Good. Now lie back for me."
"How come?" he asked, sniffling a bit.
Mac smiled. "Because I asked you to. Lie back."
He followed her instruction without further explanation, as he'd learned to do in the months they'd been together.
To Harm's surprise Mac straddled him once he was lying back against the pillows. "I want to love you again" Mac told him. "Can I?"
Without a spoken answer, he reached up, placed a hand behind her head and pulled her down for a long, tender kiss.
They made love again and again that night, each time sweeter and gentler than the time before it until finally, as the sun rose over the horizon, Harm dozed into a deep sleep. Mac stayed awake, she ran, got breakfast and called Trish. She even brought some food for Harm to eat when he woke up.
He awakened to the sound of the TV playing softly across the room. "Mmm...what time is it?" he mumbled, unsure of where Mac even was.
"1221" Mac replied from the chair on the other side of the bed. "Sleep well?"
"Mm-hmm" he answered, rubbing his hands over his stubbly face. "You?"
"Well enough" Mac replied. "That was some night we had last night."
He smiled. "Yeah, it was. Made up for lost time, didn't we?"
Mac nodded. "We did. What do you want to do today?"
"Dunno" he said, still trying to fully wake up.
"Do you need more sleep?" Mac asked. "I can just read for a bit if you're too tired."
"No, I'm alright" he said. "I'll be more awake after my shower. Do I smell coffee?"
"You do, but its cold" Mac replied.
"Any chance I could talk you into going down and getting me a fresh cup, baby?"
"I'll have to go across the street. The breakfast room closed two and half hours ago" Mac replied. "No worries, I'll be right back."
Mac kissed Harm and left him to shower. She went to get a cup of coffee for Harm from the diner that served it all day. By the time she returned, he was showered, standing in front of the full length mirror shaving.
"Here you go" she said, setting the coffee on the table in the corner.
"Oh, thanks" he said. I'm just about ready."
Once breakfast was finished and everything packed up, they headed for Plymouth Plantation and got real taste of 17th Century life. Harm concluded that even with the pollution and the crime rate, he much preferred life in the 21st. They ate dinner than night at their hotel restaurant, bathed together and made love. Mac's lack of sexual initiative from the first few days of their trip had been replaced by a nearly insatiable hunger for her husband's body.
The vacation culminated with a ferry ride to Provincetown at the tip of Cape Cod, and an all day fishing trip on the open water. When Harm and Mac returned to the airport one week after arriving there both were tired, but happy.
Harm and Mac reclaimed their vehicle at Dulles and began the drive home. Mac kept her sweater on to ward off the chill the air conditioning gave her red and sunburned shoulders, courtesy of their fishing boat ride in Hyannis. "I'm so excited" she smiled. "She's going to be so happy to see us, I just know it."
"I'm sure you're right" he said with a smile. "I've missed her this whole time; Mattie, too."
Mac nodded. "I did miss them, but I wasn't so worried this time. It was like I knew something would go wrong last time, but this time we'll all be fine and happy."
"Exactly" he agreed. "I hope Ainsley isn't taking a nap right now; I wanna hold her and kiss her and love all over her."
Mac mentally calculated. "If she's on her schedule she's just eaten her lunch" Mac replied. "She's probably playing."
"I hope so" he said. "Can you believe she's old enough to 'play after lunch' already? Seems like just yesterday she'd fall asleep during her lunch and be out the rest of the afternoon."
Mac sighed and touched one hand to her abdomen, "She's growing up so fast. Hey, I just though of something I want to do."
"Okay" he said.
"I want us to have a big birthday party for her, the whole shooting match. Streamers, a big cake, all of our friends...what do you think?" she asked.
"I can't think of a better way to celebrate our baby girl's first birthday" he replied with a smile.
A few minutes later they pulled the SUV into their driveway. Harm left the bags for the time being and headed over to Mac's side of the car to help her out. She eased herself down and leaned up to kiss him. "I'm going to need more of your special attention tonight."
He smiled back. "I think that can be arranged. You ready to go see our girls?"
Mac nodded and hand in hand they walked in.
When they entered the living room, Ainsley was sitting on the floor in front of the couch, playing with her Pooh blocks. Wanting to see what she'd do, Harm and Mac opted to walk as far as the couch without saying anything. After a moment, Harm called out to her. "Ainsley..." She little girl looked up from her blocks, but didn't turn to where she could see her parents. "Ainsley Rose..." called Harm, and this time the baby's eyes grew wide and she began to look around, knowing her daddy was there somewhere. Just as Harm was about to call to her a third time, she rolled over and spied both he and Mac. Instantly, a full-blown Rabb smile came across her face, and she took to crawling faster than she'd ever done in order to get to them.
They both leaned down to get her at the same time, but Harm relented letting Mac lift her up first. The baby smiled and cooed as Mac held her and kissed her face. "Hello, Baby. Hello. Mommy missed you so much. Yes she did" Mac gushed, admiring the happy smile and the healthy glow of the little girl's skin. "Want to see Daddy?"
Ainsley reached her arms out towards Harm, an action which made his heart melt like few others.
"Come here, gorgeous" he said, taking his daughter in his arms and kissing her face over and over. "I missed you so much, yes, I did. Did you miss us? Of course you did."
Ainsley giggled and snuggled in against Harm's chest. "Well, welcome home" Trish greeted as she came in from the kitchen. "Did you have a good time?"
"The best" said Harm, leaning own to give his mother a kiss on the cheek. "Where are Frank and Mattie?"
"Frank is in D.C. for a meeting and Mattie is at Kim's" Trish replied. "I defrosted some of the lentil loaf I made while I was here. I know its Harm's favorite."
Harm looked at Mac, knowing she dreaded any pretenders to the meatloaf throne.
Mac smiled. "Thanks Trish." The high road.
Ainsley began to fuss in her Daddy's arms just then, and continued to rub her face on his neck.
"Is she ready for a nap?" he turned and asked Mac.
"Nope" Mac replied. "Don't tell me you forgot her cries all ready."
"Well, no" he said. "She's just acting kind of sleepy is all."
"That's her I don't know what I want but I'm not happy cry" Mac sighed. "She's missed us, why don't you sit and play with her while I help your Mom? Frank can help you get the bags in after awhile."
"Gladly" he said, cuddling Ainsley in his arms. He sat down on the floor, where she'd been playing with her blocks, sat her in his lap and began building a tower for her to knock down.
Mac and Trish went into the kitchen where Mac began helping Trish clean up from Ainsley's lunch. "I hope she wasn't too much trouble for you" Mac said to her mother-in-law.
"None at all" said Trish, with a heartfelt smile. "She did keep me on my toes, though. I'm glad there weren't two of her!"
"Hopefully there will be soon" Mac replied.
Trish looked at her in amazement. "Are you two trying again already?"
Mac frowned and shook her head. "I want to, but Harm says he's not ready yet" she replied wiping off the sticky high chair tray.
"Oh, Mac" said Trish. "You don't really want to go through all that again yet, do you? Are you sure you're ready for a second baby when the first one is so little?"
Mac swallowed hard to keep her emotions in check. "I don't have a lot of time left" she told Trish.
"Does Harm feel that way?" Trish inquired.
"He thinks we have some time to wait, but the longer I wait, the older I get, there's more of a chance my endometriosis can come back. I really want to give him a son, Trish, so he can have the chance that...that Harm Sr. never got. But I'm so scared if we wait too long, we'll never have another baby."
Trish nodded as Mac's feelings sunk in. "Have you shared this with him, dear?"
"Countless times" Mac sighed. "Trish, I'm not trying to put you in the middle, but your a woman, a mother, and I need to talk to someone who can understand."
"I can't understand your situation, really" she said. "But I can, and do, understand wanting another child and, for whatever reason being unable to have it when you want it."
"Did you...did you want another baby after Harm?" Mac asked.
A sad look fell over the older woman. "Yes. We were planning to have another when...when he came home. Some days, that was all that kept me going, but..."
"I know" Mac sighed. "Harm can't understand the desire to...to give your husband a child. Even in this modern day it is the most primal of urges, to carry a baby and give it life. I want to do that again and...he just doesn't understand that my time is very precious. Sometimes...sometimes I think he might not want another one if it means we have to do what we did with Ainsley. But that's all I can offer him."
"The doctor hasn't given you any hope of conceiving without medical assistance?" asked Trish, blinking back a tear that had come with her ponderance upon the past.
Mac shook her head. "That chance is not even on the radar" she sighed. "I thought we'd done it once."
"Did Harm know?" asked the concerned grandmother.
"I kept it a secret" Mac replied. "It was when his back was at its worst and...well he knows now. He woke up and found me crying over it. It was...terrible for both of us."
"I'm so sorry" said Trish. "I hate that this is so difficult for the two of you. It'll never make sense how some couples can have as many babies as they want with no problem, and others, well..."
"I know" Mac sighed. "We...It's putting a strain...on...on us."
"That's understandable" comforted Trish. "I won't pry into your business, but please let me know if I can do anything to help with that. I can take the girls for a few weeks this summer if you and Harm need some alone time."
Mac never got a chance to answer Trish's offer because Harm called her. "Mac, where are you?"
"In the kitchen" she replied rising and moving towards his voice. "Why?"
"She's about to fall asleep" he said when she entered the living room, "and my legs are already there. Can you take her and rock her?"
"Sure" Mac replied. "You okay?" She asked reaching for the baby, taking her into her embrace and slowly rocking her back and forth.
"Oh, yeah" he said confidently. "Just need to stand up and walk around some."
"Do you need a hand up?" Mac asked looking from Ainsley to Harm.
"Nah, I'm fine" he said, crawling to the couch and using it for leverage.
Mac shook her head. She hated this. She hated that a few months ago he'd have pulled his legs in and shot up without any help from her or their furniture. Once he was up she walked over to him and whispered. "How much do you love me?"
He looked at her, puzzled. "Very much, baby. You know that."
"Good, then when you can walk again go get me a burger. I am not eating that stuff" she whispered.
He laughed softly. "Can you at least put some on your plate and move it around a bit? As soon as my mom goes upstairs after dinner, the burger is all yours."
Mac sighed. "All right. Kiss?"
He leaned down and gave her a gentle peck on the lips before looking down at the baby. "She's out."
"Yeah, I know. I just..."
"Don't want to put her down" he said with a smile. "That's okay for tonight; just don't make a habit of it or we'll never break her of it."
"I'll put her down in a minute" Mac smiled. "I suggest you go call your other daughter. She was supposed to stay home today."
"That's right, she was" said Harm. "I'll give our dear Mathilda Grace a call and see why she's with Kim instead of over here."
Harm picked up the handset and dialed Mattie's cell number. When she answered, and he asked her why she wasn't home, he received the usual list of excuses. By the time the call concluded, Mattie knew coming home was an order rather than a suggestion. He hung up the phone and went to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.
"Harm, do you have a minute?" Trish asked.
"Sure" he answered, pulling out a chair at the table.
"How are you?" she asked to kick off the conversation.
"Okay" he said with a shrug of his shoulders. "Why? Do I not look okay?"
"No, no, you...you look a bit tired" Trish had to reply. He did.
"I'm usually a bit tired, mom" he said. "I have a wife, a teenager and a baby to take care of."
"You didn't have the teenager, who by the way needs to be spoken to, or the baby on vacation, Harm" Trish reminded him.
"No" he said, "you're right."
"So, explain the lines, please" she sighed.
He took a small drink from the water bottle and set it back on the table. "I'm dealing with a few things. I guess they're taking a little toll on me, maybe."
"How's your back?" Trish asked. "Is that...?"
He shook his head. "Back's fine, mom, I promise. No, it's...stuff with Mac." He hoped to leave it at that.
"And that would be...trying for another baby, perhaps" Trish said.
So much for his hopes. "Mm-hmm" he answered with a sigh. "It's not an easy thing for us to discuss, Mac and me. It should be, but it's...it's just not."
"She wants to try and you don't." Trish sighed. "Honey...is...are you two having problems?"
He fumbled with the label on his bottle. "Only where that is concerned."
"I'm so sorry, Honey" Trish sighed. "Surely you knew this would be an issue eventually. Can I ask why you aren't ready?"
He thought for a moment. "I dunno, I guess just everything we had to go through to conceive Ainsley. I don't want to go through that again quite yet; to watch Mac have to endure all those drugs and appointments and procedures - I'm just not ready yet."
"That's a weak argument, Honey" Trish sighed. "She wants to go through it now. She's the one who has to take the tests and the drugs and ultimately, she's the one who's scared to death she'll disappoint you."
He looked his mother in the eye. "Did she say that?"
"Not in so many words," Trish replied. "She said she doesn't have a lot of time left and she looked like she was going to cry."
He sighed. "That's commonplace anymore, I'm afraid. I know I'm hurting her by being so stubborn and set against trying again, but mom I just can't make myself get over the...I dunno, I guess I'd call it fear."
"You're scared something's going to happen to her aren't you?" Trish asked, leaning over to take her little boy in her arms to hold.
"I suppose so" he said. "I'm afraid for her well-being, I'm afraid she wants to try again too soon, I'm afraid we could lose another baby. Take your pick; I'm just really...afraid."
Trish kissed his forehead, "Well, the last thing I'm going to say for now is this. You think about this now, okay? What's worse for her, what might be or what is?"
"Probably what is" he said, realizing that for the first time. "Something to think about, for sure" he said.
"I love you Harm" Trish told him. "And my only regret is...I wish I had more of you."
A/N: Only a few chapters remain before the sequel, which I hope everyone sticks around for!