A/N: This isn't as much a note for myself as for my dear sweet friend She'sAShipper. For those who're reading "The Journey" and are also reading her piece, "Can We Ever Get Back To Before?", we both ask that you please bear with us on the posting delays that have plagued both stories as of late. In my case, real life has just been nuts, and in hers both she and her fiance have been very sick. We're doing the best we can, and we SO appreciate everyone's interest and patience as we sometimes keep you waiting awhile between postings. :)
Chapter 93:
As the conversation in the kitchen ended, Harm heard the front door open and close. Knowing it was Mattie returning home, he rose from his chair and went into the living room to talk with her.
"Hey, kiddo" he said, opening his arms for a hug. "I missed you."
Mattie stepped into her father's arms, and hugged him. "Missed you, too" she replied. "Where's Mac?"
"I dunno" he said, looking around. "She went to put your sister down for a nap a little bit ago. Go find her if you want to, and then we need to talk."
Mattie went in the directions of Ainsley's room and saw Mac, sitting in the rocking chair with Ainsley's receiving blanket and looking at baby pictures. Mattie turned and went back to Harm. "I'm not going in there."
"Why?" he asked.
"Baby pictures" Mattie whispered. "With the blanket."
Harm sighed. "Oh boy. Well, I'll talk to her in a few minutes, for now I want to talk to you. Come sit down over here."
"I didn't do it" Mattie sighed and flopped down on the couch.
"You didn't disobey by being gone when we got home?" he asked.
Mattie bit her lip. "Not intentionally. I lost track of the time. We were having fun."
"'We' as in you and Kim, I presume?"
"Sort of" Mattie replied. "Me, Kim, David, and Kyle" Mattie told him. She didn't want to lie to him again.
"I'm not surprised" said Harm. "I am, however, disappointed that you put your friends ahead of your parents today. We've been gone for a week, we missed you."
"I missed you guys, too" Mattie replied. "I really, really did. I just didn't realize what time it was. I'm sorry, Dad. Really."
"I know, kiddo" he said. "You know because of this, though, you're gonna have to help out with some extra stuff around here this week?"
Mattie nodded. "I know. Did you guys have fun?"
"Yeah, we did" he said. "It was really nice up there; very picturesque."
"Was Salem cool?" Mattie asked. "David said there's a lot of cool stuff there. All of these freaky museums and stuff."
"It was really neat" said Harm. "Freaky for sure, but neat."
"Did it freak Mac out? Did you have to sweep in and save the day?" Mattie teased.
He looked at her seriously. "Mats, don't joke about that, please."
Mattie didn't understand, with her eyebrows slanted in, she asked "what's wrong, Dad?"
"She just didn't take some of the sights too well" he said, "so please don't ask her about them."
"Okay" Mattie nodded. "But seriously, you have that look. Did she get hurt or something?"
"No" he said. "It's nothing you need to worry about. Just remember not to bring it up with her."
"Okay, can I go help Grandma Trish with dinner?" Mattie asked. She knew Harm had to go tend to Mac.
He nodded. "See what you can help her with; we'll be out shortly to eat."
Mattie nodded and went on her way. Harm headed for Ainsley's nursery where he found Mac Ainsley's blanket on her legs, rocking gently, staring at the photo taken the day they had their precious little girl. She was touching the look on his face when he came up behind her.
"Hey" he said softly, not wanting to startle Mac or awaken Ainsley.
"Hey, Mattie's home?" Mac asked.
"Mm-hmm" he answered. "We talked, she said she just lost track of time."
"Happens" Mac sighed. "Why didn't she come and say hi?"
"She didn't want to interrupt you" he said softly.
"I'm just sitting" Mac replied. "That was the best day of our lives, wasn't it?"
He smiled, taking the picture from her hand. "Sure was. We were so happy."
"We are happy" Mac replied. "Mostly. Hey, you want to do a Cosmo game tonight?"
"I...umm..." he stammered, unsure at first of what to say, but then realizing he best not reject her; she'd only now begun to feel "right" again. "Of course." he smiled.
Mac smiled. "Good, its fun this month. I'm really hungry, so let me go pretend to eat so I can eat."
He smiled, and offered her a hand up from the rocker. "I promise, as soon as she's upstairs, I'm on my way to Beltway."
"And you're buying me two double cheeseburgers with everything" she told him snuggling in close.
"Consider it done" he said as they made their way to the kitchen.
A few weeks passed and Harm and Mac settled back into their routine. Ainsley continued to grow and change, and Harm's lack of interest in trying again just yet continued to be a sore point with the couple, though their love was strong enough to overcome it. Mattie continued to see David, a concept that irked Harm for she was reluctant to have him meet her parents.
One day in early August, Harm and Mac found themselves in a very familiar position, sitting side by side in Dr. Kendall's office awaiting Mac's latest blood results.
"You're nervous" said Harm as he squeezed Mac's knee. "I can tell."
"I am" she replied. "I'm scared he's gong to say two times a day is still too much. I don't want to give it up altogether, but I want my body to get back on track at the same time."
"She's almost 11 months old, sweetie" he said gently. "If you have to cut back to only at bedtime or even give it up altogether, she'll be just fine."
"I know" Mac sighed. "Still I..." Just then the doctor walked in.
"Good afternoon, Commander, Sarah" he smiled. "How is everyone today?"
"We're alright" said Harm. "Anxious though."
"Well don't be" Dr. Kendall replied. "Sarah is doing beautifully. Your prolactin level is down, your progesterone is up, and your iron while still a bit under is much better. Great job!"
"So I can still nurse Ainsley twice a day?" she asked with hope.
"You can" he replied. "But the news gets better" he smiled.
"How much better?" asked Harm.
"Well, judging from what I'm seeing Sarah's cycles could start up again at anytime" Dr. Kendall replied. "Which of course means you can begin trying for baby number two."
Mac looked at Harm, eyes filled with a mixture of joy and pain.
"What are the chances of us conceiving naturally?" asked Harm.
"Well, I won't say it can't happen, anything is possible" Dr. Kendall replied. "But...I wouldn't want to hang from a rope until that happened."
Harm nodded, taking a hold of his wife's hand. "Is it safe for us to try on our own? I mean, if she conceives and no one realizes it, what could happen?"
"Nothing" he replied. "Of course yes there are risks in not knowing. She might lift something that is too heavy or work out too strenuously. Given her history I'd want to take her off field duty as soon as her pregnancy is confirmed since her body responded as it did to the nursing. If her iron levels stay low she's at risk for anemia, but these are all risks anyone could incur who became pregnant under normal circumstances and did not know it."
"I've been trying to tell him that" sighed Mac. "But I don't know if he believed me."
"Commander" Dr. Kendall sighed. "I know you worry about her. I worry about my wife too, but nothing terrible is going to happen. There's nothing that I can see that concerns me."
Harm nodded. "I can't help but worry, doc. We've been through a hell of a lot, Sarah especially. I just want everything to be okay next time, you know?"
"I do" he replied. "But Commander, let me be honest, your experience the last time, while the first loss was tragic, was comparatively easy as opposed to what could have been."
"I see you've never been through a loss, have you?" asked Harm, growing protective of Mac and of the pain they shared with their miscarriage before Ainsley was conceived.
"Not personally" he replied in truth. "But I can tell you honestly that I feel every lost baby with every couple in here. We're a team, if you strike out, so do I."
Mac smiled a little, knowing it was a blessing to have so compassionate a doctor looking out for her. "So we can try again as soon as my cycles begin, is that right?"
"Sure can. As soon as you get your period you can call and make a day five appointment" Dr. Kendall replied. "That is, if you are ready to start again."
Mac looked at her husband, hoping for an indication of agreement, but knowing she wouldn't get it. "We'll talk about it" she told the doctor. "I'll let you know what we decide."
"That'll be fine" Dr. Kendall replied. "I wish you luck."
Harm and Mac left the office shortly after. She was smiling when they stepped outside and walked to the car. "I have to stop at the store on the way home."
"For what?" he asked.
"Sanitary pads" she replied. "I'm going to need them and Mattie only has tampons and tampons hurt me."
Harm blushed a bit. "Sorry I asked."
"I can't believe that we can start trying again" Mac replied. "I just...I didn't expect it, you know?" She got in the car and fastened her belt, the smile never leaving her face.
Harm went around and got behind the wheel. "Mac" he said, looking at her with a serious expression. "We need to talk about this tonight; really talk, okay? I know you have a lot to say and so do I, and we need to do it."
Mac nodded. "Okay. Let's just go for now. I want to be happy for a little while."
Harm took Mac to the drugstore and she picked up her necessary items. They ate a meal prepared by Harm of broiled fish and potatoes, talked with Mattie, and played with Ainsley. Mac fed the baby her dinner while Harm did his exercises and showered. He was waiting for her in bed when Ainsley was finally sleeping.
"She took a long time dropping off tonight" Mac replied, sliding into bed while removing her robe.
"Did you rock her?" he asked.
"Of course I did" Mac replied. "We rocked, we hummed, we patted...she was just stubborn tonight. I think she might be getting her premolars soon."
"Oh, goody" laughed Harm.
"We're sharing that one all the way" she replied, lying down against the pillows.
"Yes, we are" he agreed with a sigh, afraid of what the conversation to come held in store.
Mac knew that Harm wanted to talk; she also knew what he wanted to say. He didn't want to try again just yet; she'd heard it and she didn't want to hear it again. In that spirit she sighed. "Turn the lamp off when you're ready to go to sleep okay?"
"Mac" he said. "We have to talk about this."
"I'm tired, and I have a headache" she replied. It wasn't true; she was just trying to spare herself the heartache.
"So am I" he said, "and so do I, but we can't let today's news cause a rift between us by letting it linger without talking about it. I know you'd rather not talk about it, but we really need to."
"Fine" Mac sighed and sat up. "You start."
He sat up and faced her. "I know you're upset with me over this, and there's no good explanation for why I feel the way I do. I wish there was, because I think it might make us both feel better in a way, but there's just not. I've tried to put it aside, tried to figure out why I'm not ready to try again, and I always come up empty. I love you and Ainsley so much, and the idea of having another child with you, of experiencing the joy of watching another baby grow up before our eyes, should...should be enough to make me get over whatever is holding me back, but somehow..."
"Somehow it isn't" she sighed. "Harm, did you ever consider why you can't come up with a good reason?"
"Only about a million times" he said.
"And what did you come up with?" she asked. "Why is it that you think you can't come up with a reason why you don't want to try again?"
He sighed. "Probably because there's no good one. It doesn't make my feelings change, but it's most likely the truth."
"If you have no valid reason for your convictions, they are null and void" Mac replied. "You have to give me something other than 'I don't want to.'"
"I'm afraid" he said plainly. "I'm man enough to admit it; I'm afraid."
"But you don't tell me of what" Mac pressed. "Maybe if you did I could try to understand. You tell me you're afraid, well why? I don't understand. You heard Dr. Kendall, its safe, I'm healthy. Why are you scared?"
He shook his head and rested it against the headboard. "I'll never forget that night in the ER" he said, staring up at the ceiling. "When I had to go back into your room and tell you that we were losing our baby, it was..." He paused to catch his breath. "It was almost the hardest thing I'd ever done. I know there's no guarantee that would or wouldn't happen again, but for some reason - and I know it's irrational - I've been thinking a lot about that lately."
"Well try to look at it like this" Mac sighed. "Every cycle I have that we waste, we are that much closer to losing every baby we might have together. Is this fear of miscarriage, which is real and I do dread that it might happen again, worth risking our chances at more healthy children? We lost one baby and we survived it, I'm not sure..." She fell silent and drew her knees up to her chest wrapping her arms around them.
He wrapped his arms around her. "You make a lot of sense" he said. "You've given me a lot to think about. Give me a little time."
Mac stiffened. "We're not finished."
"Okay" he said softly. "What else do you want to talk about?"
"I've listened to your fears" Mac replied. "Now it is time to listen to mine."
He nodded. "Tell me."
"I am scared of how I'll react if waiting too long causes us to lose our window" Mac replied. "That is my biggest fear. I want this so much...I need this, and it..." Her bottom lip began to quiver and she paused.
He gently rubbed her back a little bit. "I want it too."
Again she pulled back and blasted, "No, you don't! You couldn't! If you did…" her voice dropped. "If you did we'd be sleeping right now instead of doing this. You don't want this, you can't say that you do in one breath and then tell me we have to wait in another."
"Am I not allowed any say in this?" he asked, growing more defensive than he intended.
"Not when you can't justify it" Mac replied slipping out of bed. "You promised to stand by me, you swore that you would always...well right now when I look over my shoulder all I see is an empty space."
Harm slid out of bed and grabbed his pillow. "You stay here, I'll go to the couch." he said as calmly as he could. "We're not getting anywhere here tonight, and I think we need some time alone to think; I know I do anyway."
"Sleep in the bed" Mac said flatly. "I'll sleep on the couch. You can't sleep on the couch."
"I'll take the guest bed then" he said. "You stay in here so you can hear if Ainsley needs you. Please?"
Mac nodded, as he moved to the door she spoke again. "Harm, why are you doing this?'
"Doing what? What am I doing?" he asked.
"Breaking my heart" she replied, losing her battle with the tears she didn't want to shed in front of him.
Watching her cry over this, over him, was all he could take. "Maybe because" he said as he felt a lump arise in his throat, "this entire situation is breaking mine." With that, he walked out, hoping to make it to the guest room before his heart completely came apart.
Mac lay awake two hours staring at the ceiling fan in their bedroom. Harm had broken her heart, he'd hurt her, but the sound of his voice as he left her alone there, made her realize she'd broken his as well. She wanted him to come to her and hold her, even if that's all they accomplished. They'd never slept apart since their marriage except when he was on TAD, and even then she hadn't slept. She hadn't really slept since before their trip, and the exhaustion was making her irrational along with the hormones.
Sighing she slipped out of bed and made her way to the guest bedroom where Harm was lying on the bed knees pulled up in the smaller space. She entered the room silently, and tried to wiggle into bed beside him, her arms coming around his middle.
"Can't sleep either, huh?" he whispered softly, his voice indicative of his heartache.
"Not without you beside me" she replied. "Lately, not even like that." It was time to come clean, to admit her insomnia which was affecting her behavior.
"You haven't been sleeping?" he asked in still little above a whisper.
She shook her head, and replied. "No."
"Because of me?" he asked.
"Sometimes" she replied. "Others it's me, or the baby, or work, or anything."
"I'm sorry" he said gently. "You must be exhausted."
"It's no excuse," Mac replied. "But when it gets a hold of me like this, I get really touchy and moody. I'm so sorry. Please, will you come back to our bed?"
He slowly rolled to face her as a lone teardrop made its way down his face. "I'd love to. I'm sorry I've hurt you over all this, and we can try whenever you're ready."
Brushing the tear off his cheek she swallowed her own lump, "No. You said you'd always be behind me, until you're there on your terms, your time, I don't want to do it. I should have listened to you, you do have a say and I'm so blinded by what I want...I...I think I've forgotten for a while you really do love me."
He placed a hand against her face. "Please, don't ever forget that I love you, Mac. We'll have our ups and downs, especially through all this infertility garbage, but I'll always love you, no matter what."
"I know" she replied. "I'm just so scared if I can't give you another baby...I should know better, but it's still a fear I have." She snuggled in closer.
"Sweetie" he said, "this isn't about what you or I can give each other. This is about us creating another child together. There shouldn't be a you and I; there should only be an us."
"I know. I've lost sight of that and I'm sorry. I want us to try again, but not until we're both ready" Mac replied. "I love you so much, please forgive me."
He leaned in and kissed her. "Forgive me?"
"Yes" she replied. "Now let's go back to a bed that's not too small for Ainsley to sleep in."
"That sounds nice" he said, tucking his pillow beneath his arm and pulling his wife close with the other.
A/N: Will they ever both be ready? We're about to find out...