A/N: Sorry for the delay, I really am! Things with my partner-in-crime, She'sAShipper, and her fiance (my sweet big brother Mark) have been very stressful as of late, and I've done a crummy job of posting my chapters. THANK YOU to everyone for being so patient and sticking with me, we're almost done!
Chapter 95
Three days later found the Rabb family at Carter Park bright and early for the Jagathon. Harm had been training for and looking forward to it for weeks, something Mac didn't even realize until she saw the pledge receipt in his briefcase. He wanted to surprise her with his entry in the race, and he succeeded. As he stretched out against a water table after checking in at the registration tent, Mac slathered plenty of baby sun block on Ainsley, fully intending to stay for the duration of the race and show as much support for Harm as possible.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Babe?" Mac asked. "Absolutely sure? You can still back out."
"No chance" he said as he finished one last stretch. "I love this kind of thing, plus it's good exercise."
Mac smiled. "You're going to do great. I just want to make sure you feel completely ready for this. Ainsley's birthday is in two weeks and I want her Daddy able to enjoy it. Don't we, Sweet Pea?" Mac asked the greasy and slippery baby.
Ainsley smiled and babbled a bit in reply.
Harm smiled as he leaned in and kissed his wife. "I've gotta go get lined up; I love you."
"I love you, I'll see you at the end" Mac replied. "If anything starts to hurt...you stop. Promise me."
"Promise and swear" he replied. "I want to enjoy that party as much as you do."
Mac nodded. "Kisses for Daddy" she told Ainsley and lifted her up.
Harm kissed his little girl atop the head and on both cheeks. "Daddy loves you, baby girl. You be good."
Ainsley squealed again and squiggled in Mac's arms as they turned and watched Harm head for the starting line.
Ten minutes before the race was set to start, Mac joined Mattie and David near the finish line. "You two have enough lotion? Mattie, you have fair skin, I don't want you to burn."
"We've got plenty" said Mattie, rubbing in a little spot on David's face. "It's darn hot out here today, ugh."
"I know" said Mac, "it was just as hot a few years ago when I ran with your Dad."
"I'm sure the Commander knows how to manage the heat and stay hydrated" said David to his girlfriend. "Is that a safe assumption, Mrs. Rabb?"
"Yeah" Mac replied. "That's in basic training, how to handle yourself in the heat, the cold, the dryness, the water..." Mac listed. "And stop calling me Mrs. Rabb. Call me Mac."
David smiled and blushed a little. "Yes, ma'am; 'Mac' it is from now on."
Mac shifted Ainsley to her other hip. "They should start in six minutes and about twenty seconds."
Mattie looked up at David, knowing he was blown away by Mac's internal clock. "You'll get used to it" she said with a smile.
Sure enough, six minutes at twenty two seconds later, the runners began the decent. The longer amount of time that passed, the more Mac fretted and fidgeted, so much so Ainsley began to fuss.
"May I, Mac?" asked David, holding his arms out towards the baby.
Mac nodded. "Here you go. Go see David" she told the baby. "Go see him."
Ainsley went willingly to David, laying her little head against his shoulder.
"She really likes you" Mac observed. "Both my girls do."
David smiled and gently swayed back and forth as he held Ainsley close. "It's mutual."
"What's wrong, Mac?" Mattie asked as she watched Mac fidget.
"Oh, nothing" she said. "Your dad should be well towards the front by now, hopefully."
"Man, Dad's gonna be ticked if he doesn't beat his old time" Mattie sighed. "How long does it usually go?"
"Depends on how fast folks run" laughed Mac. "I forget what Sturgis' time was last year."
The trio stood and watched for another forty minutes before the first runner, once again, Sturgis came over the finish line. "I guess that solves that one" Mattie smiled. "Forty two minutes Mac?"
"Very good" replied Mac. "I must be rubbing off on you, kiddo."
"Good" David smiled. "If it'll help her get places on time."
Mattie playfully swatted her boyfriend on the arm. "Oh, be quiet!"
Another runner, General Creswell, crossed the finish line just then, followed closely by Petty Officer Coates. Seeing three runners come in and still no sign of Harm, Mac began to fidget again. "Where is he?" she asked herself but David heard.
"I think I see him" said David, looking intently down the path where the finishers were coming from. "Yeah...yep, that's him; he's next in line."
Mac studied Harm as he ran towards the finish line. He ran evenly, as normal as ever, yet slower. When he crossed she moved to him immediately with a bottle of cool water and a smile, only she was greeted with anything but. "Nice job, Honey!" she praised and handed him the water.
He took the bottle, unscrewed the top and took a long swallow before pouring the rest on his head and letting it run down his face, uttering not a word.
"Ready for lunch?" Mac asked when he ignored her praise.
He shook his head. "You go. Take the kids." He had little interest in the picnic they'd planned.
"Oh no" Mac told him. "This ant adorned endeavor was your idea, Sailor. You're coming."
"Mac, I'm really not up for it right now" he said; his voice sad and down. "I don't feel like eating until I cool down."
"You can take time to cool of," Mac told him. "We'll wait. But come on, the kid's are really looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to it. Why don't you want to go?"
He looked off in the distance and shook his head.
"Are you not okay? Do you feel alright?" Mac asked beginning to worry.
"I'm fine" he said, his voice a touch on the snippy side. "Go on, take the kids and find a place to spread out the blanket."
"Are you coming?" Mac asked as she began to move towards the kids.
"In awhile" he said, once again staring off into the distance.
Mac nodded, knowing pushing would be the wrong thing at the moment. She went to join Mattie, David, and Ainsley and the four of them moved to set out the blanket and unpack the lunches she'd made.
Harm, true to his word, joined the group a short time later, though he wasn't the greatest of company. He ate his sandwich in silence, downed three bottles of water, and grabbed a cookie before getting up from the blanket and taking a walk.
"What's with your Dad, Mats?" David asked seeing she was worried and knowing Mac was.
"I dunno" she replied, confused and concerned. "Any idea, Mac?"
Mac shook her head. "He said he's fine" Mac replied. "But I know he's not. He's moving okay so I don't think he's hurting more than usual after a run like that, but...David, do you think your folks would mind if you and Mattie kept Ainsley at your place for a bit this evening. This is going to take some "tough love."
"I'm sure they won't mind at all" he answered. "I'll call and check, but it should be just fine."
An hour later Harm had rejoined the group and they'd packed up and left the park. Mac pulled up the car in front of David's house. "Okay, she'll probably be hungry in an hour or so, there's a bottle and some baby food in her bag."
"Why are we leaving her here?" asked Harm. "I've hardly spent any time with her today."
"I need you for a bit. You and she can play later" Mac told him. "But right now I need you."
"Are you okay?" he asked, attitude of before completely gone, at least for the moment.
"I will be" Mac replied. "Thank you David, Mattie. We'll make it up to you. Call if you have any trouble."
"We will" said Mattie. "Love you dad, Mac."
Mac smiled and pulled away; remaining silent until she and Harm pulled up to their house and she had walked inside.
"I'm gonna take a shower" said Harm, tossing his gym bag onto the floor in the corner of the living room.
"Come here a minute" Mac told him. "Come to me just a minute."
With a sigh, he did as she asked. "I'm all smelly."
"I don't care" Mac replied and slipped her arms around his waist hugging him tight. "I love you and I'm proud of you."
"Proud of what?" he scoffed under his breath.
"Of you running today of course, and doing so well too" Mac replied. "You did wonderfully."
"Since when is finishing fourth 'wonderfully'?" he asked. "I did twice that well all the other years."
"That's true" Mac replied. "But look at what your body has been through in the last year. The accident, and then your back and the surgery, not to mention..." She stopped herself and returned to hugging him.
He matched her embrace with his own. "Not to mention what?"
"Never mind" she sighed. "Go shower then meet me in our room."
"I'm not in the mood for anything you wanna do in our room, Mac" he said harshly, releasing his arms from around her.
"And what do you think I want to do?" Mac asked.
"Doesn't matter" he answered as he walked away. "Unless it's lay down and go to sleep, I'm not interested."
"Are you okay?" she asked. "What's wrong with you? Did you hurt yourself out there?"
He shook his head, his back still to her as he grabbing his gym bag. "Just let it go, okay?"
"No" Mac replied. "No, I won't. You won't let me clam up and get all silent, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you. Now, talk to me damn it!"
"I finished fourth!" he thundered back at her, dropping the gym bag and turning to face her. "I don't care why, it doesn't matter! What matters is I'm losing what I used to have and I don't like it!"
Mac took a deep breath. "Okay" she sighed. "No one understands better than I do what it feels like to lose something you had or have lost sight of so I'm going to give you space and let you clean up and clear your head. But go in that shower knowing this, I love you so much. I do, it doesn't matter if you finish first, fourth, or twenty fourth. I love you and you are the most...most incredible husband and father as far as I'm concerned. Now, go get showered. Then, come to our room and you can lie down and rest, but only...with me at your side."
Not knowing what to say, he opted to simply nod and head down the hall.
He peeled off his running clothes, tossed them on the floor and climbed into the shower. He stood motionless beneath the steamy mist for nearly ten minutes before even reaching for the shampoo bottle. The day had been exhausting for him, both physically and emotionally. Some 40 minutes after he'd begun, Harm stepped out of the shower, feeling cleaner than when he went in, but not much better.
He cleared away the steam from the bathroom mirror and studied his face. He hadn't noticed before how dark his eyes were or how deep the lines around his eyes had become. They must have always been there, at least for the last few years, but today he noticed them in abundance. He studied the rest of his face and noticed creases along his mouth as well, a sure sign of his age.
Stepping back he found himself studying the rest of his tall body in the full length mirror. It had changed too and not for the better, at least not in his opinion. His usually hard and sculpted chest had begun to lose some of its tone. While his arms remained firm and well defined his wash board stomach was now a thing of the past, and in is place a softer abdomen complete with ten extra pounds of love handles Mac loved to tease him about. He didn't find it in the least bit amusing.
Finally he studied his long legs. Nothing was really wrong with them, though they'd lost some muscle tone and obviously some speed in the last two years. His knees, while back to normal, bore some markings of his accident last summer, mainly one jagged scar. Then of course, there was his back. It had always been a monster, but now it bore the scars that proved he was no longer the man he'd been. He was no longer the healthy and athletic fighter jock; he was just an aging wash up that would soon no doubt be nothing but...well just nothing. And then there was Mac...soon, she was so beautiful and still so fit and vibrant, even after the baby, how could he hold her interest for much longer..."Harm?" Mac called from outside. "You okay in there?"
"Yeah" he replied unconvincingly. "Be out in a sec."
"I made you a snack and I want to show you something. Hurry up!" She sounded so cheery.
With a sigh and a roll of his eyes, he pulled his boxers and lounge shorts on and went to join her in the bedroom.
Mac was sitting Indian style on their bed thumbing through a magazine. She had a cheese and tomato sandwich sitting by his pillow. She smiled when she looked up and saw him. "Feel better?"
He shrugged. "Little."
"Look at these" she smiled and held the book out for him to see the matching black and blue track suits. One for him, one for her, and of course one for Ainsley.
"You just don't get it, do you?" he asked.
Mac closed to magazine, "Obviously not, Sweetie. You say you feel alright, you've showered, we're alone..."she smiled. "Together, all afternoon."
"You don't get it, Mac" he said, rising from the bed and turning his back to her briefly. "Don't you see how much I've changed?"
Mac studied him. "No," she replied. "I don't see a difference. I mean you have a scar now," she rose and reached out to touch it with the tip of her finger. "And...you might have put on a little weight..."
"I'm nothing like I used to be" he said. "Last time we ran that race, we finished second; today I was fourth and that's just not good enough for me."
"This is about losing the race?" Mac asked. "If that really is true..." She shook her head.
"What if it is?" he asked. "Can't a guy be disappointed in himself?"
"No" Mac replied. "No he can't, not when you've come this long away from who you used to be."
"I like who I used to be!" he said. "At least as far as being able to run a race and not make a fool of myself."
"You didn't make a fool of yourself!" Mac insisted. "You finished, in the top five, that's good!" She insisted. "So you think you've changed?"
"I know I have!" he said. "Look at me - I'm older, slower, fatter - nothing like I was even 3 years ago."
"You're exactly who you were three years ago" Mac sighed. "You are still conceited and self centered. I thought you had changed, being married and working on babies and raising a baby but I guess the jokes on me."
He ran his hands through his hair as it suddenly hit him how upset he was making her. "I...fine, whatever. Whatever."
"That's all you have to say?" Mac asked.
"I guess so" he said as he began heading for the door. He didn't want to make things any worse; he just wanted to feel sorry for himself, something he wasn't very used to doing, but today it just felt...right.
"Harm!" she called out to him as he headed for the door.
Something in her voice, pain perhaps, made him stop.
"Come here and talk to me" she said softly. "I'm sorry for what I just said, but...if you're hurting...I know you are hurting and I don't understand why and I don't know how to make it better, but please come here. Come here and lay with me, come on." To demonstrate her sincerity she laid down on her side of the bed and moved his snack to the bedside table.
Yet again, he sighed, only this time it was out of relief that his wife was drawing him close instead of letting him leave. He returned to the bed and slowly climbed in beside her.
Mac pressed his temple to ease his head down to rest upon her breast. "You have to talk about it," Mac told him as she stroked his head. "I know it's more than the race. I know it is."
"I guess so" he said. "I'm not sure what, though."
She squeezed him harder. "I love you."
"I know" he whispered. "What's wrong with me, Mac?"
"What do you mean?" she asked softly. "I can think of only about one thing wrong and that's fixed by and large."
He nodded just a little. "Then why do I feel so bad?"
"I don't know," she replied still stroking his hair. "Why don't you tell me what you are feeling? Then maybe I can help."
"I feel like I've aged 15 years in the past 1" he said. "I didn't realize it until today, but I couldn't even keep up with half those runners for most of the race. That's not like me."
"You are older Honey" Mac replied. "You've aged two years since the last time you ran in the Jag-a-thon. And you haven't been training as hard or as regularly since Ainsley was born, or even since we began trying to get her. Of course you've slowed a bit. It's natural. If I tried to run, I'd probably have placed sixth or even beyond that. It not a bad thing, it's just a fact."
"A fact I don't like" he said softly.
"I know" Mac soothed. "I don't like that I used to be 120 lbs and now I'm 128. And I don't like that sometimes when I sleep too long on one side my neck gets stiff. And I sure as Hell don't like to see you after you've sat on the floor playing with Ainsley too long and you need to use the couch as leverage to get up when a year ago you'd rocket up with no assistance, but its just part of being 43 and 40. But if we let those things set us back, we'll miss out on all the really good parts of being older."
"I just wish this didn't bug me so much" he said. "I wish I wasn't afraid that you'll lose interest in me, you know? Do the whole 'trade me in on a newer model' bit?" He knew that was crazy, but his heart was really hurting.
Mac pulled away from Harm at that comment. "You really think that?" Mac asked. "You honesty think that I'd want that?"
"You don't miss the 'me' I used to be?" he asked. "Not at all?"
"A little bit" she admitted. "Sure. I miss not having to fret about you hurting yourself, which I miss. But its the man you are now that I love more than anything, and while I fell in love with you ten years ago, its the you that I have in my life now that I could not imagine living one second of my life without." This as two tears fell from her eyes.
He looked up at her and wiped away the tears with the pad of his thumb. "I didn't mean to make you cry."
"You didn't," she whispered. "I made myself cry because I love you so much and...It kills me to see you in so much pain. It does."
"I know the feeling" he said softly, leaning in and placing a tiny kiss on her lips.
Mac pulled away from him.
He looked at her, uncertain of what he should do next. "I'm..."
"No kisses" she told him.
He looked hurt, but given his behavior earlier, he knew he deserved that.
Mac frowned. "Don't look like that."
"I can't help it" he said.
Mac slid off the bed. "Okay, I know what you need. Lie on your belly."
With a nod, he complied. A backrub would feel really nice, he decided.
At his compliance she giggled. "You think you're getting a backrub don't you?"
"Well, yeah" he replied with a smile of his own. "Why? Are you going to bludgeon me with your pillow or something instead?"
"No," Mac laughed. "I think you, my champion, earned a full body massage."
"Oh, have I?" he asked.
"Yes" Mac replied kissing the back of his neck. "I know your body is tired. I know that part of the reason you are so down is because the last time you didn't feel so tired, but now I want to make it better. I want you to tell me where you need me and by the end of this afternoon, I guarantee you'll have no doubt of my love or my commitment, or you're..." she leaned closer. "Sex appeal."
He shivered as her breath tickled his ear. "By all means, erase my doubts."
"Where do you want me first?" she asked.
"Shoulders" he answered. He loved the way she massaged them.
"Okay" Mac replied and touched her hands to his broad shoulders. She always used the same technique; she used the tips of her fingers and rubbed in small circles. "Why don't you tell me what else is on your mind, Babe?" she asked as she worked. "Then I have a few things I want to tell you too."
"Mmm..." he moaned as she began her work. "Not much to tell. What do you wanna know?"
"Do you really think you've gotten fat?" she asked remembering those words from his earlier tirade.
"The scale doesn't lay, babe" he said. "Ten pounds in the last year or so; I hate that."
"Eight for me" she replied. "Did you realize it on your own or...or have my little jokes about your love handles upset you that much?"
"Both, I suppose" he admitted.
"I'm sorry" Mac whispered. "If I hurt you. But I sort of think it's sexy."
"Really?" he asked, a little surprised.
'"Really" Mac replied. "I don't lie."
He rolled over onto his back just enough to get his arms around her. Without words, he offered a heartfelt kiss, and then another.
Mac returned his kiss with one of her own they began to giggle.
"Come on" he said. "Tell me."
"I was just imagining you and I on diets," she smiled. "Which is something I'd be willing to do with you if this whole "ten pounds" thing is really an issue."
He kissed her again and smiled. "Not enough to go on a diet."
"I take it from our current position you don't want that massage?" she noted.
He gazed into her eyes. "I want you."
She reached out and caressed his face. "I'm right here. I'm always here and I'll always be here."
That was all it really took for him to slip over the edge. He'd been a jerk to her earlier, but she hadn't let him clam up or shut her out, instead she'd eased him out and talked to him, even held onto him when that's all he really needed. Now she was lying across his chest lips slightly parted eagerly waiting for his kisses. He wouldn't make her wait anymore.
He used his lower lip to separate hers further and took her lips in a kiss that told her more than he could ever convey with his voice. He wrapped his arms around her back and held fast to her, stroking her arms and back with his large hands.
"You like that, Baby?" he asked her. "You like what my touch does to you, don't you?"
"Yes" she gasped. "Oh..."She said nothing more, but turned her attention to his skin. She kissed his cheeks, his eyelids, down to his nose, then across his cheeks to his ear. She stopped at a small crinkle in the top of his ear and played with it, intrigued.
"Mmm...what're you doing?" he gasped.
"Playing with this little bendy thing in your ear" Mac replied. "Ainsley has it too."
"Not as noticeable though" he said, his voice evidence of the effect her actions were having on him.
"Her ears are tinier," Mac replied and proceeded to nibble on the aforementioned crinkle.
"Mmm..." was his only response.
The kissing and light touching continued for a few more moments until Mac decided she wanted attention so she rolled off of Harm and lay on her side of the bed.
"Where do you want me?" he asked, keeping with her earlier line of questioning.
"Inside me" she gasped out.
He smiled at her with a raised eyebrow. "I love a woman who knows what she wants" he said softly as he leaned down to share a long, sensual kiss.
Harm's hands moved all over Mac's body as she lay beneath him. He made short work of her short denim shorts and pink top, finally exposing her entire body to his view. Mac lifted and opened her thighs for him, "Come on, Sailor. What are you waiting for?" she asked in a husky voice.
He slid off the bed, stripped off the minimal clothing he had on, and within moments summarily joined his body and hers as one.
Mac writhed and moaned under his body lifting and shifting to keep up with his rhythm. When they'd finished their mating, she lay shaking beneath him.
"You okay?" he asked in a breathless whisper.
"You..." she gasped. "Are amazing."
He softly shook his head. "You are."
"You..."she gasped still trying to catch her breath. "Make me weak."
"That's where we differ, I guess" he said gently. "Because you make me strong."
"When you touch me..." she sighed."When I'm in your arms, I feel like nothing can ever hurt me again. You are strong, you're...this is silly..." she sighed and blushed just a bit.
"No, no" he gently encouraged. "Keep going."
"You're my hero" she replied and pulled him close to hold his body to hers.
He couldn't help but smile at Mac's revelation. He'd felt like a failure all afternoon, but to her he was a hero, and that made the defeating feeling he'd been battling disappear.
"Would you do something for me?" she asked.
"Mmhmm" he said.
"Can you get me a bowl of corn flakes?" Mac asked.
He chuckled a little. "Okay...sure."
Harm chuckled all the way to the kitchen and the whole time it took him to prepare her snack. He returned to find her sitting up in bed with her sheet tucked around her. "Remember the last time you did that?" she asked with a nostalgic smile.
"Indeed I do" he answered as he handed her the bowl of cereal before climbing back into his side of the bed. "It was just before Ainsley was born."
flashback
It was nearly three in the morning on one of the muggiest late-August nights there'd been in years. Mac tossed and turned, fluffed her pillows and kicked off all her covers in an effort to get comfy to no avail. She finally settled on her left side and after several minutes were almost asleep when it hit her: the munchies. She hadn't craved a midnight snack since her fifth month, but the closer she got to her due date, the more she found the desire for late-night sustenance was returning.
Harm was sleeping peacefully a cute light snore emanating from him. She hated to do it, but her back and legs ached so much she didn't want to get out of bed if she could help it. Gently, she reached out and rubbed his hand. "Harm?"
"Hmm? What?" he mumbled a she woke him from a sound slumber.
"Wake up" she prodded sensing him dropping off.
"I'm awake...I'm awake" he mumbled as he slowly rolled over. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm just fat, hot, achy, and hungry" she told him.
"You're beautiful, sweetie" he said through a yawn. "Why'd you wake me up?"
"I'm starving" she replied.
"What would you like?" he asked, beginning to wake up some.
"I don't know" Mac replied and got that look on her face.
"Ice cream?" he offered. "Sandwich? Cheeseburger?"
"No" she replied.
"Anything we have in the kitchen?" He was sensing that although she didn't know what she wanted, odds were it wasn't in the house.
"Do we have corn flakes?" she asked. They usually had those in the house.
"Don't think we do" he said, remembering the nearly empty box from the morning before. "Is that what you want though?"
Mac nodded. "Yeah, I want something crunchy. If we don't have those though I'll..."
He held his hand up to gently quiet her. "Say no more. If its corn flakes you want, its corn flakes you'll get." He rose from the bed and pulled on a clean T-shirt.
"Thank you," she sighed and leaned back in bed. "You know as hard as we tried to get pregnant, I can't wait until I'm not anymore."
He sat down beside her to put his tennis shoes on. "I know. I can't wait; either...I'm just dying to see our baby." He looked at her and smiled from ear-to-ear.
"I just want to stop feeling like a bloated beached whale" Mac pouted. "I don't even know if my feet are swollen because I haven't seen them in weeks.
His smile remained. "I know you feel pretty big and not very attractive, but believe me, Mac, you're the single most gorgeous pregnant woman to ever walk this earth."
She smiled softly. "I'll be the happiest if I get those corn flakes."
"Give me twenty minutes" he said, leaning in for a kiss.
Harm drove to the nearest all night convenience center and picked up a box of corn flakes. Twenty-five minutes later he returned home, made Mac a bowl of cereal with exactly one cup of milk, like she liked it and carried it in to her in their bed.
He could tell as soon as he reached the doorway of their room that she had fallen back to sleep while he was out. With a smile, he sat the bowl down on the nightstand, pulled the sheet up over her, and kissed her temple. Quietly, he picked the bowl back up and headed out to the kitchen to eat the corn flakes himself before joining her in bed once more. He was so excited about what lie in store for them as a family; so very excited...
end flashback
"At least I'm awake this time" she smiled as she took a bite.
"Yeah, you are" he smiled. "Looking forward to lots of 'corn flake nights' before too long?"
"What do you mean?" Mac asked. She thought she knew but didn't' want to hope.
He shrugged. "Just that before too much longer, you know, we'll get back into 'everything'..."
Mac smiled, "Do you think...do you think you might be...ready soon?"
He thought for a moment. "I hope so. I mean, I know I need to be, I'm just...It's weird, I'm just not there yet I guess."
Mac nodded. "You know, as much as I complained near the end with Ainsley, I can't wait to feel like that again. To be big with your child growing under my heart, feeling him kick...watching you feel him kick" she smiled. "It'll be wonderful."
"It will be" he agreed softly, a sweet smile on his face.
"I've been thinking a lot about the second baby" Mac admitted.
He nodded; he knew. "Are you...ready?"
Mac nodded. "The moment Ainsley was born I was ready to bear your son."
"What about having another daughter?" he asked. "You keep saying 'son', but I don't remember ever saying I much cared one way or the other."
"But I do" Mac admitted. "I want to give you a son. And I even know that I want to call him..."
"Really?" he asked, tipping his head to the side in surprise and amusement.
"Harmon David Rabb, the third" she replied. "The word needs more Harmon Rabb's."
"I dunno" he said. "I'm not sure I want our son named completely after me."
"I really do," Mac told him. "I really...I've always dreamed my first born son would be named Harmon."
He smiled. "Maybe we can use Harmon for his first name, but give him a different middle name than mine."
"I can live with that," Mac agreed. "Harmon Matthew?"
"Maybe, maybe" he pondered. "Or we could go trendy like we did with Ainsley's name."
"We could" Mac replied. "Oh...I want to show you something else."
"Okay" he said.
Mac slid out of bed, leaving the sheet behind her and went to their magazine rack. She dug until she found what she was looking for and returned to Harm. She handed him the magazine which was folded back to the page with a crib bumper set. It was light blue and was decorated with F-14s in a variety of positions.
"Very cool" he said as he studied the page in front of him. "I love it."
"I know I've got the cart before the horse," Mac sighed. "But..." A tiny frown.
"Hey" he said, taking her hand. "Nothing wrong with dreaming about the future; nothing at all."
"Do you ever dream about it?" Mac asked cuddling into him so he could hold her.
"Sure I do" he admitted. "I dream about how you'll tell me we're having another baby; about how amazing it is to watch your body change as the baby grows; about the first time we get to see the baby. I think about it a lot, actually."
"Do you ever dream of a son?" she asked. "That's what I dream of most. I love Ainsley to pieces, and I'm glad we had a daughter first, but...I want a boy, so badly."
"Yeah, I think about that" he said. "I hope we get to have a son, but if not I'll be very thankful for what we do get."
"Me too" Mac sighed. "I...I just see you, you know. I see you telling me our baby is a boy, a big smile on your face. I see you teaching him about Tomcats and making traps. I see you coaching his T-ball and Little League games..."
He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. "I love dreaming about these things, don't you?"
Mac nodded. "And I know you aren't ready yet, but I'm so excited to start trying again and make those dreams come true, for both of us. I really am."
"I know you are, love" he replied. "I'll get there soon, I promise."
Mac leaned in to give Harm a warm loving kiss, but before she made contact with his lips, the phone rang.
Harm reached around and grabbed the receiver, glanced at the caller id screen and answered it. "Hi, Mats. Really? See if she'll take a nap, you might have to walk her around outside for a few minutes. Okay...right...call us back if she still won't quit and we'll come get her. Okay, love you kiddo. Bye."
"What's wrong?" Mac asked her mother's ears perked when he heard Harm talking about Ainsley. "Is she okay?"
"She's fine" he said. "Fussy and tired, but fine."
"Oh, poor baby" Mac frowned. "I can't believe she's almost one."
"It's gone fast" he agreed.
"It has" Mac sighed. "Can you come and lay under the covers please?"
Smiling, he crawled beneath the covers and slid close to her.
Mac looked up at Harm with big eyes. "Hold me really tight, okay?"
"How's this?" he asked.
"Tighter," she sighed.
He squeezed her as tightly as he dared. "What brought this on?"
"I was thinking last night when I couldn't sleep..."
"Thinking about what?" he asked.
"Thinking about the Admiral's dining out, after my operation" Mac sighed.
He rubbed her arm softly. "So much has happened since then, huh?"
Mac nodded. "You wanted to make everything better that night, didn't you?"
"Everything that was wrong" he said, "I wanted to find a way to make right. I wanted to fix it."
"But you couldn't" Mac sighed. "No one could."
"Nope" he agreed quietly. "I sure wanted to, though. It killed me to know you were hurting so badly and I was all but powerless against it. I felt like...like I should have been able to do something, anything."
Mac nodded. "I wanted you to make my pain go away."
"I know. Ultimately, though" he said, "all I could do was be there for you, listen to you and support you. It didn't always feel like enough, but eventually I learned that was really all I could do."
"And one more thing" Mac added.
"Which was?"
"Just holding me and letting me cry and vent and act crazy" she replied. "I have a feeling that our road for little Harmon may be bumpy and there are going to be a lot of moments when I just need to be held in your arms as tight as I can stand and just let you even for a few minutes carry my load. I know that's not very fair..."
"Don't worry about what seems fair or unfair, baby" he said. "Anything I can do, any little thing, you know I'll do it. You can come to me in pieces, and I'll pick them all up, one by one, and put them back together. You can come to me angry at the world, and I'll listen to you scream and cry, and then I'll hold you when you're done. You can say to me 'this is too much', and I'll take as much of the burden as you'll allow me to. I love you that much, Mac. Don't ever forget that, no matter how hard things might get."
Mac nodded, "I love you too, and that's why I'm saying this to you now. I want you to know about all the things I needed before that I was too scared and too closed off to tell you. I'm going to need you to get me through this to get us to our next miracle."
"I'm right here" he whispered. "And I'm not going anywhere. This next baby, it'll be our miracle, yours and mine, just like Ainsley."
Mac squeezed him a bit. "If it ever gets too much for you, tell me?" she asked.
"I will, I promise" he offered. "Same for you, okay?"
Mac nodded, "I love you."
"And I love you."
They snuggled together another few minutes before Mac sighed. "So...Have you thought of who you want to invite to her birthday party?"
"Aside from the obvious folks" he said, "not really. Ideas?"
"Nah" Mac replied. "Everyone at the shower seems about right. Maybe we should invite David's folks though. They probably won't come, but it might be nice."
"Yeah, I think so, too" he agreed. "Do you have a theme in mind?"
"Of course" Mac replied and smiled.
"Do tell" he said, kissing her cheek.
"Pooh and friends table covering and hats and such. And they have this cute banner with piglet wearing a birthday hat. Did you think about the menu?"
"Not really just yet" he said. "Maybe some sort of cookout? We could do fish and burgers and hot dogs, that sort of thing?"
"Sounds good to me," Mac replied. "Since you're doing the cooking and all."
"You planning to order a cake from the bakery?" he asked. "Or you want me to make it?"
"If you can make a Pooh shaped cake, be my guest" Mac smiled.
"She won't do that" Mac laughed.
Harm looked at her with an amused grin.
As Harm and Mac began the planning of Ainsley's birthday, the days melted away. Soon, it was the day of the party, which they agreed to hold that Saturday after her actual birthday.
Mac stood on a chair in the living room in the early afternoon on party day, hanging the Pooh Happy 1st Birthday banner. "Harm!"
He came in from the kitchen, a dish towel flung over his shoulder. "What is it, my dear?"
"I'm too short" she sighed. "I can't get this end to stay, it keep falling off."
With a smile he motioned to her to get down off the step stool. "I think i can get it" he said, carefully climbing only onto the first step and tacking the banner in place.
"Show off" she laughed. "How're the salads coming?"
"Macaroni is almost done" he said. "Potato is in the fridge, and the cole slaw is next on the list."
Mac nodded and lifted her arms. She'd done that countless times since the baby's actual birthday.
With a warm smile, he took her in his arms. "Today's a happy day, sweetie."
"Says the man who was nearly in tears two nights ago when he put her to bed," Mac laughed and snuggled in.
He smiled and shrugged. "Okay, you got me there."
Mac pulled back after another minute and kissed him. "Better get back to work. Did you hear from your Mom?"
"Yeah, I did" he said as he returned to the kitchen. "They'll be here around 1600 to help with anything we need help with."
"I'm so glad they can make it, that everyone can make it" Mac smiled. "It's going to be a wonderful day."
"It sure is" he said, his smile matching hers.
A/N: Stay tuned, the end is near!