Sorry for the delay in publishing – I still haven't overcome the shock of the end of the show as well as the realization that the likelihood of a McRoll endgame is very small. I find it… such a shame, and a missed opportunity. Instead of capitalizing on Steve's apparent (and recent) mea culpa regarding his penchant for putting his professional life ahead of his personal one, the EP has him going on another pointless date, apparently only to end the show with Steve dead, or alone. He is going to miss a golden opportunity to "regenerate" Steve in the viewers' eyes, and it's a shame, a missed opportunity and a sexist prejudice; the fact of the matter is that Steve has issues, he's emotionally stunted, perhaps because of what happened with his mother. Cath leaving was as much his fault as well as hers, but it was always portrayed (and discussed) as though she had committed the ultimate sin. We don't know if there was any other reason for her departure (if there was, I just hope that it wasn't a determining factor or solely for that reason!), but his treatment of her was reason enough. He never made time for her, he never committed, he never told her, like the Alpha male that he is, that he wanted her to stay, that he loved her; almost proposing doesn't count, let's look at things from her perspective. And truth is, she was so shocked to learn of his plans that she was still thinking about them, 2 years after learning of that fact. Steve could've "graduated" into real manhood in the sentimental department, by opening up his heart to Cath and telling her everything he felt and everything he wanted out of her. And he needed to accept his share of guilt for her departure. It was not a case of "Catherine has to come back to Steve"... it was more "Steve needs to chase after her and let her know she's the one, there is no one else. And beg her to give him another chance, because he'll take her any way he can get her. In any capacity. CIA or no CIA. Living on the island or not. She's it, there's no one else." There were many storylines badly handled on the show, and I find it hard to believe that such experienced people in making TV would fall down those holes, but there it is. There always seemed to be more to this story, both in the chemistry between the two, as well as in PL's comments every time he was grilled about McRoll. Now I realise he was just very cunning about stringing everyone along, for maximum viewer numbers and that he probably never had any intention of revisiting that storyline. What a shame. How sad. Anyway, here are two more (short) chapters. I'm still reeling from the news!
After Joe's funeral, Steve and Catherine enter into a somewhat comfortable domesticity, borne perhaps of the memories of times past, but nonetheless slightly artificial. Not that either of them recognizes it for what it is; to them, the time is for preparing for an extraction op, fraught with dangers and unknown variables. Catherine can be found either glued to her laptop, finding information and analyzing it, or relaxing and unwinding in the kitchen, cooking. Steve has been occupying his days with planning the op and getting in touch with friends and valuable contacts who may be able to help. They need a crew, logistical support and all the gadgets they can get their hands on. One afternoon, he finally calls Danny. His friend is understandably concerned, but manages to remain calm and collected throughout the call. Steve is impressed. They say their goodbyes, with the promise of another call, soon. Danny starts preparing for a trip to Montana soon after, to bring his brother home, if he doesn't return before Christmas.
During that period, there aren't many words spoken between the two. Steve is still dealing with his pain, and Catherine can tell he's not really in a talking or sharing mood, so she just lets him be. Giving him space is the best thing she can do, for now. Steve is numb to most things around him, still harbouring that feeling of detachment from life that has been a constant since Joe died in his arms. He's lost any desire to take part in once-loved activities, focusing instead on the task at hand, doggedly. Every major death in his life, up to this point, seems to have served the purpose of helping to prepare him for the next inclement and heart-wrenching demise, and he's tired of that.
One night, Steve jolts awake in a sweat, immediately assaulted by the lingering feeling of danger he's been battling all week. He instinctively grabs his gun, hidden under the pillow, while the memories of Joe's shooting hit him like a wrecking ball. Reaching for his cell, realising it's still dark outside, he turns it on to see the time: 0433 hours. Again with the insomnia, Steve sighs. He knows where it's coming from, of course, but hates being at the mercy of his feelings. Hopefully, once this is over, things will start to get back to normal. But they have a lot of work to do, still and he can't help but obsess about every tiny detail. They can leave nothing to chance, as this will not be a sanctioned op. And the danger… the possible consequences are all too clear and present in his mind, given what just happened with Joe. Steve silently promises him that he will do everything in his power to avenge his death, even if it kills him too. He will go to the ends of the earth to find Hassan and return the 'favour' he so kindly gifted his second father with. Then, his mind turns to the woman sleeping in the next room. He shudders inwardly, thinking about Catherine. He knows that she has one of the most dangerous jobs on the planet and has been doing it for almost two and a half years, but he can't help himself. He feels an overwhelming urge to protect her, to guard her against any harm that may befall her, as the thought of also losing her from his life is unbearable. Steve is keenly aware that he would not cope if she, too, disappeared forever. But asking her to stay behind is not an option. She came willingly, and she'll insist on staying until the end; actually, he's pretty sure she'd bite his head off if he even so much as suggested she take a step back. Besides, he can't afford not to have her, she's an important asset. He'll just have to be very stealth about protecting her as best he can.
While distracted by his thoughts, Steve suddenly hears a strangled cry coming from Catherine's room. In a second, he's at her door, running possible scenarios in his mind, in a frenzy. Her face is contorted, in pain, illuminated by the faint moonlight, and he kneels down on the mattress, soothingly calling out to her, in a low voice. The last thing he wants is for her to attack him, coming out of a terrifying nightmare, so he leans forward, places both hands on her shoulders, and gently nudges her in a shaking motion, back and forth, calling her name. A few seconds later, she seems to come out of her state and looks at him, eyes fuzzy and still not oriented. Steve pulls her towards him and hugs her tight, trying to comfort her, whilst at the same time physically calming her down with his own body. They stay like that for a few minutes, not moving, until Catherine's shakes subside and she finally relaxes, placing her arms around his body. Steve discreetly turns his tight, calming hug into something milder, supportive but unobtrusive and she seems to understand she's finally safe.
The episode affects them in different ways; while Catherine is simply relieved to have been broken out of her most recent nightmare, the familiarity of holding her in his arms bathes Steve in a warm, comforting sensation, unlike anything he has felt in recent years. It awakes something in him, long forgotten, and he can't help but be disturbed by the feelings brought on by the hug. He manages to disguise the turmoil he's in by closing his eyes and breathing deeply, to try to get to grips with all the memories assaulting his conscious mind, Joe's death momentarily forgotten. Disentangling himself from her embrace, Steve lets her lie down again and covers her with the comforter, sitting down by her side.
"How are you feeling?" he asks, concerned. He's never known her to have nightmares, so this is a new development.
"Better. Thanks for waking me up, that was a rough one," she replies, pained smile on her lips.
"How long have you been having these nightmares, Catherine?" he feels the need to ask.
"I have them, on occasion," she answers, not looking at him, serious, almost talking to herself. "Takes a lot out of me."
"I can imagine… but why?"
"Oh, you know, nature of the job," she says, looking at him sadly. "Sometimes stuff happens, and it messes with our heads. And since we have something called a conscience… the bad stuff lingers, and eventually starts to seep through the cracks. It's an inevitability."
"But you do go to counselling, right?"
"Never been much of a fan," she says, eyes far away.
"I remember," he says, thinking back to when Billy had died and how difficult it had been for Catherine to deal with the feelings of guilt she'd held on to. "But you have to seek help, when you start to have nightmares that wake you up, that means that you're definitely not coping so well."
"It gets worse when something happens, that triggers those memories," she says, voice barely above a whisper. Then, looking him straight in the eye, she feels the need to clarify, "Joe."
"I got it," Steve says, reaching for her hand, squeezing it in a show of sympathy. "Look, I'm not a professional, but… you want to talk about it? Maybe it'll help. Quid pro quo, and all," he says, smiling at her.
"You know how it is. You see so much death, in all its forms… enough to make you lose your faith in humanity. How it is possible that some people walk the earth on two legs and share oxygen with you? Most of the places I am sent to, on ops, are war zones. You see stuff… that'll never, ever be wiped from your mind. You develop this strong protection instinct over the weak and the vulnerable. But unfortunately, you can't protect everyone and sometimes, someone is left behind. On nights like these, I mourn those losses. I will never forget some faces. And it seems that the more time passes, the more faces I accumulate, they are like ghosts that follow me around. I failed them, so they don't fade from my mind, they keep me real and on my toes. You know what I'm talking about?"
"Yeah, Catherine, I know. And you failed no one, you did the best you could. But when that starts to affect your life like this, maybe it's time to call it quits, don't you think? However much you want it to, your contribution will never end any war. And it gets to a point where you may do more harm, than good."
"What do you mean?"
"If you're not at the top of your game, both physically and psychologically… you won't be good for the people you're trying to help, or to yourself. Because if you die in the field, what purpose does that serve? You go on mission after mission, putting your life in danger, just to… what? Atone for your personal losses? Make up for the ones who died on your watch?"
"It's as valid a reason as any," Catherine says, smiling sadly. "I help a lot of people, I know I make a real difference."
"But at what cost, Catherine?"
"Death, again, you mean? Sometimes it doesn't seem that bad of a tradeoff…" she adds, understanding him, but unwilling to admit it. Lately, she's been downplaying many things.
"Really? At the expense of your life?" Steve asks, pointedly, never more serious.
"Someone has to do it. I'm good at it," Catherine replies, smiling, trying to lighten the mood of the conversation.
"Oh, I know you are. But when the job starts to take such a toll on you, it's time to stop. Please, Catherine, listen to me."
"No, I'm not ready for that, yet," Catherine says, stubbornly.
"What else do you have to prove, Catherine?" Steve prods, carefully. He knows he's threading on very thin ice, after all, her decision to leave, in the first place, was at the genesis of their breakup, and he never really understood her reasons, nor did she ever explain them. He simply showed her the door and she accepted his 'suggestion' over talking about what was really going on. Steve sighs, chastising himself, wondering, for a moment, what would've happened had he not been such an idiot, on that fateful day.
"It's not about proving anything… I genuinely like the job."
"But there are other jobs you could do, right? That you'd be equally good at. That might give you a good night's sleep and maybe other things you may be missing?"
"Such as?"
"Family around you, friends, weekly plans…," Steve goes on, laughing.
"I have them, just not in the regular way," Catherine smiles at him, yawning. "Look at you, always on the go. Whenever that phone rings, you're 100% committed to the mission. As for me… I may be gone for days, sometimes weeks. Then, I come home and have downtime, I can enjoy all the comforts, such as my bed, friends, family, all the normal stuff," Catherine finishes, voice even, not a hint of accusation. Before the conversation veers off to other areas that she's not ready to go into, Catherine adds:
"I'm going to try and get a few more hours of sleep. I'm really tired."
Steve knows she's deflecting, but lets it go. Getting up, he smiles at her and moves to the door, hoping she can get the rest she needs.