Two days later, waking up at the crack of dawn - again - Steve has gained enough distance from his conversation with Catherine to now be able to reflect on it, and the feelings that their hug awoke in him. He hadn't expected to be so suddenly reminded of his once deep feelings for her in that way, and he's been avoiding thinking about what it all means, until now. He loved her, once, very much; he thought that they had both moved on from that love, long ago, and that was why he had tried to love another. But that attempt had ultimately come to nothing, as Steve had always felt that there was something missing in his heart. Could it be…? No, it can't be. Has he been sabotaging himself, all this time? Has Catherine been the answer, all this time? If so, how can he not have seen it? Does he still love her? 'Of course you do', Steve thinks, with annoyance, in his mental dialogue. No, I mean, really love her, still? Marriage, kids, the whole nine yards, love? Can he forgive her for leaving, without so much as an explanation? Come to think of it, IS there an explanation? And what about her job? It's as though a light has gone on in his brain, and suddenly he feels dizzy, with all the questions swimming around in the pool of doubt that has formed in the last two days. One thing he's thankful for, though: true to form, he's happy that Catherine doesn't seem to have sensed the turmoil going on inside him, at least until he can make some sense of it. This changes everything. Where does he go, from here, what does he do, how can he act normal, when near her? What if she rejects him, once again, if he decides to try? He knows he won't survive that!
Suddenly, Steve feels an overwhelming urge to see her, as though the doubts running through his mind will become clearer if he can look at her face. He gets up and heads for her room, surprised that the door is open, thereby facilitating his decision. In the back of his mind, there is a very slight feeling of invasion; of her privacy, of her sleep, of her intimacy. He thinks back to the last time he saw her sleep, two weeks after Konno's wedding, on the morning he was making arrangements for her engagement ring. On the day she had left. Memories of them together invade him, bathing him in happiness and sorrow. He vigilantly watches her peaceful face, her even breathing, raising her chest rhythmically, and smiles at the way she's wrapped up in the comforter. Steve leans against the door jamb and stands there, trying to be as quiet as possible, contemplating her, a million thoughts going through his head, none about Joe or the mission, this time. Ten minutes later, sighing deeply, he heads for the kitchen to cook some breakfast. He needs a distraction, to stop thinking about Catherine, mull over his feelings or process the thoughts in his head.
Half an hour later, while busy with the food, he hears her footsteps coming from her room, walking slowly towards him, without much purpose or rush; he turns back, smiling meekly at her and she comes close, standing behind him and a bit to the side, still half asleep, to take a peek at what he's doing.
"Couldn't sleep, huh?"
"Got it in one, Lieutenant. Then again, no one can ever accuse you of not being perceptive," Steve says, with a smile on his face, not looking back.
"Hey!" Catherine feigns indignation, pinching his flank with little enthusiasm, causing him to move away from her hand.
Steve turns his head sideways and looks at her, weary of even looking her in the eye, at this point. Hair disheveled, pajama top loose leaving one shoulder bare, bottoms halfway down her hips, open robe, belt almost falling off one end, thick socks on her feet, and she's never looked more beautiful. Suddenly, he has a sort of out-of-body experience; in a split second, he sees himself reaching for her robe, pulling her towards him, and pressing himself against her. The suddenness and vividness of his thoughts, coupled with her close proximity, stir something in him, and Steve quickly moves to the fridge, pretending to need something inside. Welcoming the cold distraction, he takes a second to compose himself, fully aware that she's there, next to him, and he can't just stand in front of the fridge forever.
Misunderstanding his reaction for indecisiveness on what to cook, Catherine moves closer to him, and peeks into the fridge as well, amused. Steve breathes deeply, putting on a mask of easiness he definitely does not feel, and removes a punnet of strawberries from the chill, not even sure what to do with it. Closing the fridge door, he heads for the sink, never looking back, uncomfortable with her physical closeness. Images of them together on O'ahu come to his mind in rapid succession; they are so vivid and welcoming, that Steve has to make an effort to remind himself why they ultimately broke up. There is a feeling of regret running through him, as though he should've fought harder for this woman, cherished their time together more, and realised how much of a good thing he had going. Suddenly, her sleepy voice breaks the silence:
"Want a chocolate cake in a mug?"
Steve is taken completely by surprise, baffled by her words.
"Huh? A what?"
"Chocolate cake in a mug," Catherine says, amused, getting up and grabbing a spoon. "A dose for one of chocolate cake, made in one minute, and you have the perfect thing to go with it. I have the best recipe, moist and comforting. Believe me, there are times when only chocolate cake will do," she concludes, rolling her eyes in mock delight.
"Is that so?" he jokes, smiling, suddenly assaulted by thoughts of other things he used to enjoy doing with her, that comforted him immensely.
"Uh-huh. Tell you what, I'll make you one. You give it a try. How's that?"
"Thanks," he says, smiling, thankful for the simplicity and easy familiarity of the moment. "I'll make the coffee."
Ten minutes later, they're both in silence, leisurely sat at the table, delighting in moist chocolate cake with chocolate chunks, strawberries, and strong, black coffee. Catherine decides to broach a subject that's been on her mind for a while, now.
"Can we talk about something?"
His heart skips a beat at her words for a millisecond, until he reminds himself that she has no way of knowing what's been on his mind. He turns to her, with an easy smile on his face.
"Sure, what's up?"
"It's about Christmas. I know that's probably the last subject you want to contemplate, right now, but we won't get much done until the New Year, data gathering is gaining momentum with the Agency, and we have time, to get ourselves organized. I haven't been home for Thanksgiving or Christmas in two years, so… I'd like to go this year."
Steve feels overwhelmingly disappointed at her words, but it's only natural that Catherine wants to be with her family, especially given her line of work and the uncertainties that go with it. He'll be alone in Montana and not looking forward to it, but he would never dream of asking her to stay.
"Of course! You should go, Christmas is meant to be spent with family," he says, thinking of his Ohana back on O'ahu.
"No, Steve, don't be silly. I spoke to my mother yesterday, she's expecting us. I've already booked our flights, so you don't have a lot of options, here."
"You mean me, going with you? Oh, no, I couldn't. I wouldn't dream of imposing…," Steve counters, horrified at the thought of spending three or four days in close proximity to the woman leaving him unbalanced, plus her close family, at her home.
"What are you talking about, Steve? Look, it's settled. I want to go home for Christmas and see my parents and brothers, and I would never, ever leave you alone, here. So there's only one thing to do, really. You're coming. Deal with it," Catherine says, adamant.
"Catherine, I can't. There's still a lot of work to do, I can't just leave..."
"It's Christmas. Even Greggers Thomsen will take some time off from his evil deeds to be with his family, I'm sure," Catherine says, smiling at him. "We have plenty of time to sort through everything else in time for our op. Trust me."
"I don't know, Cath…" he says, unsure of himself. "It's the time for family, not for ex-boyfriends," Steve concludes, smiling jokingly.
"You're my best friend, Steve," Catherine says, looking him in the eye, very serious. "That good enough for you?"
"What can I say?"
"Say you'll come home with me," Catherine replies, as though it's the easiest thing in the world.
He capitulates, happy for the change of scenery and thankful for the distraction, but unsure how they will navigate Christmas AND her parents, with his recent epiphany. And telling Danny not to expect him home for the holidays.