Regular sugar cubes didn't help.
She had promised Minegishi that she would never do acid, that was the sugar cube thing, without them again….and also only when she was older….but she just…needed to get back to that place. She knew that there was still plenty of acid in the glass thing in Shimazaki's desk and she knew that he said that she could have things from his desk…but she also wasn't going to cause any more trouble. So that was why she had just gotten herself a box of sugar cubes….because they had been a part of it…or something…she didn't know. She knew that they played a part but she didn't know what part….and she needed to go back to the dream place. She needed to go back to the dream place and figure out who Ritsu was. Was he a real person? Or had her brain just dreamt up a little brother to replace the one who was gone? Had it been a dream….or a memory? Like…there hadn't been any pictures of her before she had been two….so maybe she'd had another brother and he died…or ran away from home….or was stolen or…or something.
Maybe she had just been watching too much TV.
Mom and dad…they would have said something if she'd had another little brother. They would have…well dad kept his secrets close and mom…mom wasn't the sort of person who liked to talk about sad things…so she didn't…know. She just didn't know. She put another sugar cube in her mouth and let it dissolve. She knew that sugar cubes had played a part in it….but they weren't taking her to the dream place. Of course they weren't. She had been eating sugar for her whole life and she had never gone to the dream place before….so why would she go now? She didn't know. She just did not know…and stuff…she just knew that she needed to get back there but she was not going to take acid behind her best friend's back and cause more trouble for them…but also….also she had no idea how she was supposed to get back to the dream place….
She didn't know.
Mob didn't know what had made her think that eating regular sugar cubes would make her brain go back to the place where it had gone to before. Really the only thing she was doing was raising her blood sugar. Minegishi had told her before that raising her blood sugar was bad for her body and that she was poisoning herself…and she knew that eating straight sugar was bad for her…and stuff…but she just…she needed to go back to that place. She needed to figure out what that house had been. Where it had been. Where she had been. Who she had been.
And who Ritsu had been.
She had a name. Ritsu. She had googled, she didn't know why she had thought that googling would help but google was usually good at teaching her what she needed to know, but she didn't know what she had been expecting to learn. There were millions of people named Ritsu with black hair…and the person that she had been thinking of might not even have existed. She might have just dreamed up a different little brother because she missed hers so much. She really did miss him…and he was so far way…and he would come back…and she should not have been thinking about smothering him…but she missed her little brother so much….she missed his smiles and how he would kick at night and how she would have to chase him around sometimes to brush his hair and how he would watch scary movies even though they were disturbing and how he could sometimes be mean, and also meals took over an hour now, but…but he was still ok and she missed sitting there with him for over an hour while he argued with her about what was gross, what he needed to eat, and why he had to take everything out of his soup before he could drink the liquid. She even missed dinnertimes with him…which would take so long that they had to have dinner at four in the afternoon if they wanted to have enough time to be able to do bath time and stuff….she missed…she missed Sho….she missed him….
She missed him more than anything.
She missed him so much and…and that was what this sense of loss was. Like something was missing. She felt like something was missing and that someone was her little brother. She was a year, less than a year actually, older than him…and she had been with him for as long as she could remember…and she wanted to be with him again…but this was how life went. Things changed. People got older. Sho was old enough to help dad by doing away missions…and she was happy for him, she was, and because she was so happy for him she was not going to smother him.
Even if he would have been all about this.
He would have been all about eating sugar cubes in the middle of the night. He would have probably taken the whole box from her and just ate them all up so fast, faster than she ever could have imagined, and then they would have been all gone by the time she noticed…and stuff. She wouldn't have minded though because he would have been happy…though all of that sugar might have made him thirsty and he wasn't supposed to have liquids after eight because then he would wet the bed…and if he wet the bed then she wouldn't have minded…and dad never asked her why she was doing night time laundry…
Dad hardly ever spoke to her this late at night….or anytime outside of Sundays.
Dad was up this late, he was a lot of the time, and he was in a good mood…but that was because he was hanging out with Hatori. They were friends now, it seemed, and it was weird but Mob was happy that dad had made a friend. Also he was playing more games besides Minecraft. He had been a lot nicer lately. Maybe it was because he had made a new friend or maybe it was because Sho wasn't around to upset him and stuff. He was always either mad at Sho or mad about something that he did. Sho…..he made dad mad….so maybe it was better that he wasn't around.
For his own good.
Mob wanted him back, why wouldn't she have wanted her little brother back? She wanted him because she loved him but she also knew that it was better that he was away…because she loved him. She loved him and she didn't want dad to get mad at him and stuff. Yes, if Sho had been up this late eating sugar cubes then he would have had a sugar rush and he would have been jumping around or shouting or something…something that dad wouldn't have liked….and then dad would have gotten mad…and stuff. Or even if he didn't end up with a sugar rush he would have ended up thirsty and he would have wanted to go to the kitchen for a drink of water and dad was in there and nothing good ever happened when dad and Sho crossed paths…
Even if it was just to get a drink of water.
She needed a drink of water just like Sho would have needed a drink of water. All of that sugar…but getting herself a drink of water would have meant that she would have had to cross paths with dad. She love her dad, she really did, but she also knew that it was not a Sunday. It was sad seeing him on days which were not Sundays because he just…didn't really want to talk to her or look at her or be around her. She felt like Shimazaki did, maybe, when he kept on screaming at her to look at him. She wanted dad to look at her and to see her and to be there for her and to love her…but also…also she wanted him not to smother her…
But he always smothered her.
He didn't know how to show love…and she didn't blame him. She didn't know how to show love too. She wanted to call her little brother more than anything, anything to get rid of this feeling of loss, but she knew better because that would have been smothering him and she did not want to make him feel the way that dad made her feel…but her phone was right there…and she knew how to use it. She knew how to pick it up and call Sho…and it was there in the charger…and it would not have been hard at all…and maybe just a quick 'hello' or a…well he was on a mission so she could ask for a mission report or…or something….but asking her own brother for a mission report felt weird…and she didn't even care about the mission. She just wanted to see him again….
She got up.
She needed to get up and get a drink of water because her teeth were all fuzzy from the sugar. She would get some water or…or she would get a glass of milk…and then mix it up with the stuff she kept between her mattress and her box spring. Then she would be able to sleep and also think less about….everything. The feeling of loss she had. The feeling of loss that as just…hanging out around her…like when you popped a dizzy plant in Yoshi's Island, the old game for the Gameboy not the DS and the effect still hung around you for a while…but she wasn't dizzy. She was just…lonely. There was a sense of loss and loneliness and…and she didn't like it.
So she got herself a glass of milk.
She got up carefully even though she didn't have to. She always put things away when she was done with them. Sho didn't. Sho always left his pens and pencils and crayons out. Those weren't so bad to step on but she did trip on them sometimes. The legos were much worse. Stepping on those….the pain was so bad that she almost felt like calling Fukuda when that happened….but he was busy with stuff and she didn't want to bother him just because she hadn't thought to look where she had been stepping.
She didn't have to look where she had been stepping.
Another reminder that Sho was gone. The space across the room where his bed would be, the space where she had put her dollhouse and dolls, was enough of a reminder that he was gone. For as long as she could remember they had shared a room. Since mom and dad had brought him back home from the hospital. She couldn't remember a time…the yellow room….the yellow room with the happy duck family…she could remember….she could and could not remember. That had been…she had never stayed in a yellow room in her life…but there it had been…but that might have been a dream….or a memory from when she had been little….like….like maybe when she had been a baby, before Sho had been born, her room had been yellow. That would have made sense since mom's favorite color had been yellow…and then….
People had come over to work on the Castle.
When she had been very small she had accidentally made a bathroom explode. She had bene trying to run a bath for her and Sho and then she had just…she had made the water so hot…and then her powers had gone out of control and she had made the bathroom explode…and then she and Sho had to use the farther away bathroom with the deep tub while some people came to fix the bathroom that she had ruined…there had been….a man with yellow hair she remembered….so people had come to do work and stuff on the Castle before….
So it wouldn't have been such a crazy thing to think that mom and dad had hired some painters.
So maybe it had been a baby memory…or something. A baby memory of a room that had been….Sho was a boy and boys liked blue and their room back at the Castle had been blue so…so maybe they had painted the walls…and stuff…and she had felt alone before….because….because she hadn't had her little brother and…and her dream had made a new little brother for her…because she missed Sho…and the whole dream was about missing Sho….or something….
She didn't know.
She didn't even know if her room had ever been yellow to begin with. Dad would know. He would have remembered. It had been his house after all. He would have remembered what color the walls had been…and where she had slept when she had been a baby…and if he'd had any more kids back when she had been a baby…even though she might have just dreamt Ritsu up…she didn't know. Mom would have known but she was gone off to…to wherever she had gone off to…so it was just dad now…and he would have known….and maybe….maybe it would have been alright to ask him.
He did seem to be in a good mood.
His aura was happy. Well dad happy. He was never super happy but he was dad happy…and that was good. He and Hatori were hanging out. Hatori was happy too. She had felt Hatori's aura plenty of times before when he had been hanging out with dad and stuff. First he got super scared and then he was super relaxed….which was good….but also sort of weird. Dad had only ever been relaxed around her…and Hatori was always so jumpy….but maybe he was just jumpy because Shimazaki messed with him when he got bored because boys were like that. Like the time that Shimazaki had jumped out and scared him while he had been taking a shower and then he had run naked through the house back to his room…well Mob hadn't seen him naked for sure, Minegishi had been covering her eyes even though their nails had gotten ruined, and they told her what she wasn't supposed to see….and it wasn't like she wanted to see….
Because that would have been gross because Hatori was not her brother.
She didn't like him enough to want to do…all of the stuff, the super gross stuff, that adults did together with him….and stuff….and also only brothers and sisters were supposed to see each other naked…and stuff. Also now she wished that she hadn't remembered that because her face was all red. She stopped walking in the middle of the hallway. It was dark. Nobody could see her face…..and she wanted to keep it that way. She hadn't even been noticed, anyway, and she wanted to keep it that way. She could hear them talking and stuff….and they didn't even notice that she had left her room.
She moved a little closer.
Her face wasn't red anymore. As quick as the thought came it went. Now she could keep going. She was just going to get her milk and get out. A simply mission. She would go in, get her milk, and leave like an extraction mission. The sort of thing that Shimazaki did when someone got captured. She didn't think that this would be so hard. Besides, it wasn't like dad was going to talk to her. He never talked to her, not really, aside from Sundays. He just….he had other things to do…and that was good. He wasn't smothering her anymore and that was what she had wanted….and stuff. So her extraction mission to save the milk…by mixing it with vodka and then drinking until she fell asleep, would go fine.
It would.
She wanted to ask dad about the dream world…but also she did not want to tell him about the dream world. How she had gotten there. Dad couldn't know about the things that she did. She knew that if he knew then he would beat her friends up and stuff. He had already beaten Shimazaki up last summer when he thought that Shimazaki had liked her and stuff. She knew that if he knew about the dream world, the sugar cubes, the smoking, the cigarettes, and how she drank outside of social events…he would not have been happy with her….so she wasn't going to tell him…
But also she…she wanted to know who Ritsu was….
Maybe she could just ask him without talking about the dream world. She was bad at talking but he was the one who she had gotten that from. He was bad at talking and listening and all of that stuff. Since he was a bad listener then…then maybe he wouldn't even think to ask her how she had dreamt all of this up…and stuff. Maybe he didn't even know about sugar cubes. He didn't seem like the type who would, he didn't even drink after all, so maybe if she just asked him….well me might not even answer….but he was in a good mood it seemed like….so she didn't know.
She kept on walking.
She could hear dad and Hatori talking clearly now. They hadn't noticed her. They were too wrapped up in what they were doing. Playing a game. Dad liked games, he liked Minecraft and other games where you could build things…and also Space Invaders….and from the music it sounded like Space Invaders….and he would be very wrapped up in playing that. He hated to tell the truth about it, that he liked to play games, because he was forty four. Men his age didn't play games, he said, even though there were no maximum age rules. There were minimum age rules to some games, which she would follow because she didn't even like those sorts of games anyway, but no maximum age rules. So dad had nothing to be worried about. People his age liked games.
Mob wouldn't have minded if she ended up with a boy who played games.
When they were adults and they had all the time in the world to do whatever they wanted, her and whatever boy wanted to be her boyfriend, then they could play games all the time. That was an important thing she decided, playing videogames, but ones without a lot of killing and fighting. Like arcade games and point and click adventures and stuff. Also he would have to be tall, tall enough to pick her up, she decided. She liked that. He would have to be tall and he would have to play videogames….and also he would have to be nice. He would have to be nice and…and they would be friends first. She knew that in movies people had love at first sight because that made movies go faster and stuff…but this was not a movie, this was life, and love took time to grow. Like the way that love had grown between Shimazaki and Minegishi…and that was the best thing that had ever happened to them….and she wanted that so badly. She wanted that with a tall boy who was her friend first and who liked videogames…and also he had to be friends with dad. He had to be friends with dad because dad was always talking about how he wanted her to spend her life with him…so if she had a boy hanging around then it would have been best that he liked dad…that he loved dad….that he thought that dad was the greatest thing since they had added strawberry to milk….but not Hatori.
Her future boyfriend also had to like girls.
She didn't want to have to get an operation to turn into a boy, and those were real she had seen them on TV, so her future boyfriend had to like girls. That was maybe the most important thing….but if he liked boys and girls then that was ok….and if he just liked boys then she would back off. She knew that Hatori didn't like girls now…and she knew that she didn't have a chance…and also she didn't like him like that because of a lot of reasons….
But she did like looking at him.
She could see the back of his head now. His hair was sticking out now and it was messy….and she decided to add messy hair to her list of things. At the end, too, because it wasn't as important as liking girls or being friends with dad or being tall or liking videogames. Messy hair…and also…she could smell him from here and he smelled like lynx again…and she liked lynx even though Minegishi said that it was worse than not bathing at all. She didn't agree with that….but that was ok since they didn't have to agree on everything…and she didn't want them to feel this way about Hatori…
Whatever this way was.
Minegishi said that this feeling was how you felt when you thought that someone was attractive. It felt like that….but more. She saw boys something and she thought that they were attractive but this was….different. This was more….fluttery? That same feeling that she got when Shimazaki had gotten super close to her…and stuff. It was like…she wanted….she wanted something but she didn't know what it was….and she had no idea who she could ask. She knew that she could ask Minegishi anything…but she had and they had already told her what this feeling was and….and she got the feeling that they had been wrong and she didn't want to tell them that they had been wrong because that would have been mean….and stuff….but she wanted to know…and she got the feeling that Google would have been just as unhelpful about this as it had been about all the other stuff she had been asking it lately….
She could ask dad…..
But she wasn't going to do that. She would have asked mom if she had been around because mom was a girl and she was a girl and this whole feeling felt private…for reasons….all sorts of reasons. She didn't like to think of those reasons because they were embarrassing…and not just because she had them about a boy she used to be in love with. There was also…she didn't even want to think about the rest of this feeling…so she wouldn't…and she of course wouldn't ask dad about this because he was a boy. He might not even have understood what she had been talking about…and she was not going to explain it to him.
If he said 'Daughter. Explain.'….she would die. There was no other option.
But he didn't tell her to explain. He didn't even talk to her. He was still talking to Hatori…and she was not going to ask her dad about the weird feelings that she had about Hatori while he was sitting right there next to dad eating ketchup bread and playing Space Invaders. No, she was not going to ask about that…or the Dream World….or maybe it was a memory….and maybe that would be ok to ask him about…because it had nothing to do with weird fluttery or tingly feelings that she got sometimes. Yeah, that would be the better thing to ask him about…if it was even ok to ask him things….but he was in a good mood and that….that was always a good thing. He was in a good mood and he was talking nicely with Hatori…and stuff….
"Why do you keep on shooting through your shields? You know that you need those, right?" asked Dad. He was playing Space Invaders on his laptop and Hatori was playing on his own laptop. They both had cups full of ketchup in front of them but Hatori's was a lot fuller than dad's. There was less bread taken from his loaf, too. Maybe he wanted a real snack….maybe he wanted her to make him a real snack….or maybe he wasn't hungry at all. She couldn't tell.
"Because sometimes you have to make the pragmatic choice, boss. What use are my shields if the aliens take over the world?" asked Hatori. He laughed when he said that…and he had such a nice voice when he was relaxed…and she wished that he could have been this happy all the time. He really was a nice person….when he wasn't drunk or throwing up or hiding in the bathroom or peeing in sinks…and she could forgive the bathroom thing because people got scared sometimes and that was normal….but not the drunk stuff or the throwing up….well maybe the throwing up since that happened to everyone….but the sink peeing was the thing that made her heart stop going doki doki….
But then again he was very good with dad.
Dad was being nice to him and he was being nice to dad right back…and what were the odds that someone who she liked would make friends with dad? But he had peed in a sink and…and she did not want to spend her life cleaning gross sinks and she didn't want to hire someone to do something so gross like that. So her heart didn't go doki doki…but she wasn't feeling all doki doki now…she felt all….well the fluttery feeling didn't get rid of the loss feeling…they sort of just….sat on top of each other….
Feelings were weird.
"Fukuda said the same thing. Then he shot through his shields, had nothing to protect him, and then he died." Said Dad
"Well my reflexes are better than his, I think. I mean not as good as yours boss, seriously you're amazing at that, but they're good enough that I can dodge and…..now I'm dead." Said Hatori
"As I predicted." Said dad
"Yeah….well maybe it's just because it's so late. You know it might be time to call it a night. I mean you're a busy man and I don't want to take up too much of your time." Said Hatori
"It's not so late. If you're so tired that your motor skills are suffering then go and make some coffee." Said dad
"I…I don't know how." Said Hatori
"Then have my Daughter show you. She's standing right behind you. Daughter, make coffee….if you want to. You make a very good cup of coffee." Said Dad. Mob almost jumped….and Hatori jumped for real. He jumped up out of his chair and he knocked his ketchup glass over when he fell out of his chair. Mob caught him, he was more important than the glass, and it didn't even matter because dad caught the glass before it tipped over and ruined is laptop.
"Are-are you ok?" asked Mob as she put him back onto his feet. His glasses were crooked. She reached over with her powers and put them back on the way they were supposed to be. She felt fluttery at the thought of it, of standing up on her tiptoes and fixing his glasses….and then she would be close to him…
And this was not the way to feel when your dad was looking at you.
"I'm fine, just got a little freaked out. You move quietly, you know that? Like a ninja." Said Hatori. She had fixed his glasses but not all the way right because he was fixing them again…and now she was thinking about fixing them for him…and dad was still looking at her….
"Um….I'm glad that you aren't hurt and stuff…um…it would be bad if you were because Fukuda isn't here…and stuff. So I'm glad that you're fine and if you weren't….um…that would be bad…and stuff." Said Mob. She was just saying words and hoping that they made sense….and now she was back to feeling like this…and she didn't know why she was like this again! Or what dad was staring at her for.
He was really staring at her.
She wondered if she should have thanked him for saving Sho's Zootopia glass….or maybe not because then dad would have been upset about her mentioning Sho…and she didn't want to upset him…even though she wished that dad would have been at least a little upset about Sho. About him being gone. About how his only son was gone on the other side of the world. About how he hadn't seen his only son in weeks…and stuff….
But she wasn't supposed to tell dad how to feel.
"He's fine. Show him how to make coffee….if you want to. If you have the time. I assume that you're awake at this hour for some reason." said Dad. He was looking at her….and then he looked away from her…and then he looked at her again. She didn't know which she wanted more. She wanted…she wanted dad to look at her and be nice to her…and stuff….but she got the feeling that if he looked at her then he would know what she had been thinking about….about the weird thoughts and feelings…and stuff….and she just….didn't ever want him to know about that. Ever.
"Um….I have time." Said Mob. She had time and…and she wanted….she wanted dad to just….talk to her and not talk to her. She wanted to tell him that she was happy that he had made a friend. She wanted to tell him that she was happy that he had cared enough about either Sho or Hatori to save Sho's Zootopia glass and Hatori's laptop. She wanted….she wanted to ask dad if he ever felt a feeling of loss, too, since his son was gone…and also his wife…
But she didn't say anything.
She just showed Hatori how to make coffee. She wasn't going to have any. She was planning on drinking milk and vodka until she went to sleep. Coffee would only keep her up worse than the feeling of loss and all of her questions and stuff. She just showed Hatori how to make the coffee…and there was nothing to it. Just put the grounds in the filter and then put the water in the water place and turn it on. There wasn't anything to it but Hatori had trouble with a lot of the stuff that she had been doing since she had been little….
And she didn't know if she wanted to spend her life with someone who didn't know how to make coffee….
But she knew that she shouldn't be mean, or picky, and also that she didn't even like him like that. He was someone who was older than her and he didn't even like girls…so these feelings made no sense. That was just how feelings were. They sometimes made no sense. Sometimes you felt all doki doki and sometimes you felt something even worse…or better…or more confusing than doki doki. Something that she didn't even know the name of….and might never know the name of…and didn't know what she would do when she learned the name of….
Knowing the names of things didn't mean that you understood them.
She knew the name of the person she had seen in the dream work but she also…also had even more questions. Knowing a name wasn't the same as knowing everything….and she knew…she knew that she would never know anything….well she would never know unless she asked….and it may have been ok for her to ask….because he was in a good mood…and he had saved Sho's special Zootopia glass….
She didn't know….but she would never know until she tried.
"Um dad….I know that it's not Sunday yet but…um…can I ask you something?" asked Mob. There was a moment where dad didn't say anything….and also his little ship died…and she knew that she had messed up because Sho hated it when he died and she had never once seen dad die at Space Invaders….he took it very seriously…..but he had died….and he wasn't looking at her…
"Anything, Daughter. You can ask me anything." Said dad. Mob used her powers to pour herself a glass of milk. Whole milk. It tasted funny in this country but she didn't mind. She just poured herself a glass of whole milk and stared at dad the whole time. She never knew quite what he was going to do…and she didn't want to upset him…or anything like that….but she just…wanted to know.
"Um….before Sho was born…were the walls in my room yellow?" asked Mob. She held her breath, practically, as dad thought. She knew that he was thinking. His caterpillars had come together. Sho did the same thing but his eyes brows were regular, not caterpillars, and she did the same thing too. She hoped that neither of them ended up with dad's caterpillar eyebrows…even though that was a mean thing to hope for.
"No. I don't recall…but I don't recall what state that house was when I bought it." Said dad. That was…not helpful at all. She wished that they hadn't lost the baby pictures of her before Sho had been born. Those would have been helpful. A lot more helpful than dad telling her that he didn't even remember….and she knew that she needed to go to bed…but she knew that she needed…just one answer. Just one answer then she would go to bed.
"OK….and….um….just one more thing. Did I….did anyone ever live in the house with us? When I was a baby? Someone named Ritsu?" asked Mob. She maybe should have just stuck to the one question because, obviously, she had said the wrong thing. That question had made dad's aura flare out…and then both of the laptops went to the blue screen of death…and then Sho's Zootopia glass shattered….he would be so mad….and also Hatori might have gotten hurt. He yelped when dad's aura flared and dove under the table…and this was all Mob's fault…
Everything was always her fault.
"Ritsu? Why did you say that name?" asked dad. He seemed….not mad….just…she had never seen him like this before. She would have said that he was scared but…but this wasn't like anything that she had ever seen before.
"Um….I…had a dream….where there was a person called Ritsu in it…and stuff…and I thought that it might have been the dream of a memory…so I thought that it would be ok to ask you…and stuff." Said Mob. Hatori was still hiding under the table….better there than the bathroom….and dad was…calmer….but not like how he had been before. All dad happy…and she had messed his good mood up…and she was so sorry about that….and about Sho's Zoootopia glass…..he'd had that glass since he had been little….and maybe she could replace it before he came back….and stuff…..she just had to fix this.
"Dreams are not reality. Nobody named Ritsu has ever lived with this family. Ritsu is a very common name, I have known seven people in my life called Ritsu that I can recall off the top of my head, and you simply may have been recalling someone you knew in the past. Now if that's is all then you should go back to sleep. You're eleven, almost, and you need nine to ten hours of sleep. Now back to bed with you." Said Dad. Mob nodded. She didn't want to hang around long enough to ruin something else.
"Yes dad. Goodnight, and goodnight Hatori." Said Mob. She wanted to stay and clean up the mess and to make Hatori feel better….but she knew how dad was sometimes….and about how he wanted her to go and she had to do what she was told.
So she went to bed.
She had…she had gotten an answer…but it hadn't been worth it. The feeling of loss was still there with her and dad's answer….she knew that he didn't tell lies…but also….also she felt like that answer wasn't…enough. If she had been dad then she would have told him to explain further….but she was not Mob, she was dad, and she had gotten an answer….so it was time for bed. Special milk until she fell asleep….
Even though she was still full of loss. Loss and weird feelings and questions that she might never get any answers to.