Normally Sho liked playgrounds.
This should have been a good time. It wasn't hot out so he didn't stick out in his long sleeves and long pants, the sun was shining but it wasn't beating down so hard that he needed sunscreen, and also he wasn't being watched by anyone. No big sis there to baby him and no Fukuda there to baby him either….because he was not a baby. He knew a baby but he was not a baby. He knew a baby and she was the best baby in the whole world and she would have loved it here so much and-
He needed to stop thinking about her.
He needed to distract himself. He needed to find something else to think about. How long would it take for Fukuda to say goodbye to his parents' grave? How long did it take to say goodbye to death people anyway? Pour the water, light the incense, leave the offering, say something nice and then go. There. It shouldn't have taken that long….not that it had been a long time. Or maybe it had. He didn't know. All he knew was that he needed to get out of there, out of this city, before baby sis woke up from her nap.
He should have been there.
He should have been there when she woke up. She always woke up slowly. First she kicked her feet and then she started to sit up and then her eyes opened and she started crying. She must have been sad to get up. She must have had good dreams. She must have gone somewhere really great in her dreams. She must have been sad to come out of her dreams and back to the world. He didn't blame her. It sucked out here…
And it would suck even worse when she woke up.
She would wake up and he would be gone….and she would never forget him. She would never forget him now and he had thought that…that this was what he wanted….but it wasn't' fair to her. She didn't know what time was, that a lot of it would pass before he saw her again, and that….that sucked. It sucked. It sucked how she would wake up asking for him, because she could say his name now, and then she would look around and he wouldn't be there…and he should have stayed. If he had been older he could have just gotten assigned to the Seventh Division or something. He certainly had enough scars.
Heh.
Sho felt like his shirt her been riding up in the back. That was where his tree was. He had scars everywhere but the tree was the worse of them…or the best depending on how you saw it. Sho didn't know how he saw it. He had a thing on his back and it scared people. It was cool, scars could be cool, but people couldn't see. If people saw then they would ask questions that he was not supposed to answer. He didn't care what people thought…he only cared what baby sis thought…and she could not know about these. Maybe he could just tattoo over them. Maybe he could do like Shimazaki and get all of his scars tattooed over so good people thought that they were a part of the picture. Then baby sis would think that he looked cool and when she asked about his tattoos he would have something better to tell her than the story of his scars.
Or something.
He didn't know. That was for the future. This was not the future. This was the present and in the present he had to…to do something. To kill time until Fukuda got done with his the whole visiting his dead mom and dad thing. Sho wished that he would hurry it up already….but he wasn't going to go and tell Fukuda to hurry it up already, that would have been such a jerk thing to do, even though he wanted to go so badly….and he had nothing to do but wait….
Well he was on a playground.
He was on a playground so maybe he should just play already. He had been sitting on a bench like a weirdo for too long. He liked playgrounds. He liked to run and jump and climb and stuff….and he liked to go to these with…with big sis. They played on playground sometimes but always when they were empty. They didn't go to school so they went to places like this when there was no one else around. There were people around now, lots of people, and Sho….he sort of didn't want to be here. He wanted to be alone…but this was a playground, not an alone ground, so he had better start playing. So he had better get up and walk over to where everyone else was and just….play. Play like normal and…and forget. Forget about how much he missed baby sis, about how much she would have liked it here, about how she had just said her first word, about how she would wake up and he would be gone and-
And he went over to the swings.
He had always liked the swings. It felt like flying…well he could fly now…but when he had been too little to fly he has always liked the swings. He had liked standing up and swinging so hard and fast, hard enough and fast enough that he could have gone over the bar, though he never did. Never without big sis's help…and she stopped helping after he got hurt. Would baby sis have wanted to swing over the bar? There were baby swings on the other side of the park…but he would not have swung her over the bar. She was little and she could have gotten hurt…and nothing was going to hurt her…not while he was around….
But he wasn't around.
She had a mom. She had a mom to take her to the playground and push her on the swings. She had a mom to be there for her when she woke up. She had a mom to carry her from her crib and put her in the living room and put on her baby shows and play the catching things game and read her books and teach her how to draw and stuff….and Sho…he wasn't there but…but at least she had a mom. At least her mom would never go. Sho wished that he had been adopted. If he had been adopted then dad would have wanted him. Sho had no idea if it was easy or hard to make a person, the TV showed shows where it was easy and hard, but even if it was easy…well of course you would love someone you adopted more. You picked out an adopted person. When you made a person you never knew what you were going to get….
Sometimes you got disappointed.
Sho went over to the swings and stood on one. He knew that the polite thing to do would be to sit down but….but he wanted to stand. It felt more like flying this way. He could have flown away, he wanted to fly away. He wanted to kick off from the ground and fly away…and leave all of this behind. This place, baby sis, the way he felt…all of his memories. No wonder dad never came here. There were a lot of memories for him, ones about when he was a kid, and maybe this place would have too many of Sho's memories too. Memories of how he and baby sis had so much fun…memories of the time when he was here before and Fukuda dragged him around showing him stuff from the past, even memories now of standing on a swing and going higher and higher and higher….flying almost….but not really. He knew how to fly but he also knew not to do that around normal people. They didn't even know that powers existed. They thought that everyone was normal like them. Sho wished that he could have been normal. Not without powers but just…he wished that he could have been them. He saw them all. The moms and the dads, the big brothers and the big sisters, the little brothers and the little sisters….even the baby brothers and the baby sisters.
He had never gone to the playground with his whole family before.
He wished that he could have. Mom used to take him to the playground. Even after she got sick and had to spend her whole day sleeping because she didn't have any strength…she took him to the playground. Just him, eventually, not even with big sis. Like the one time they spend the whole day at the playground by the train station. It had been just him and her…and even back then he had wanted big sis there. He had…he had even wanted dad to have been there…..even though his dad was a jerk. He remembered….he had been little, a lot littler than he was now, and he had been standing on the swing going higher and higher…and he had been looking down at the people….
And he had wanted to be one of them.
He had wanted a dad who was nice and went to the park with you, a big sister who didn't boss you around all the time, and a mom who wasn't sick all the time. He had wanted a family…the sort of family that normal people had. Where dads were nice and moms weren't sick and your whole family was together all the time…and some stupid part of him still wanted that. Some stupid part of him still wanted that but only with baby sis. She looked enough like him and dad that she would have been able to blend in with their family…and she would have had such a great time. Mom would have pushed her on the swings or helped her ride the springy things and then he and big sis could have helped her crawl through the baby tunnels and go down the baby slide…and he could have taken her up on the big kid jungle gym with him even though everyone would have told him over and over again that it was dangerous…and stuff….
It would have been great.
But that was just a daydream. He did not have that life. He had a dad who didn't care if he lived or died….well beyond the fact that he needed a son to make more people named Suzuki…and he had a sister who acted more like a mom than a sibling but…but it was still good because she cared about him…and also he had Fukuda who was sort of like a dad but also wasn't his dad…and he had a baby sister who wasn't even his for real sister…even though he felt like she was…and even though he thought that she was….he wished that she was….
He swung higher.
Maybe he would make it over the bar on his own this time. Maybe the people below him would blur into nothing as he swung right over the bar and then…and then maybe he would swing back in time, back to when he had been little and he had been….happier than he was now…or maybe he would swing forward in time. Maybe he would swing forward in time until he was old enough to have his own job in Claw and he could work at the Seventh Division….but then baby sis wouldn't have been able to remember him because he had swung forward in time. She would have aged. Like all the people in front of him would have aged. The kids would have grown up and then they would have brought kids of their own. The happy families would be replaced by other happy families and then he would be on his own like usual…and then that would be that. Maybe Fukuda would have been waiting for him. He would maybe turn into an even grumpier old man…or maybe if Sho swung back in time he would be able to see dad and Fukuda here at this park. Dad would be a kid….a weird thought…and Fukuda would be a kid too…probably a grumpy kid. He was a nice person…to Sho…but he was a jerk to everyone else. That made sense since he was dad's best friend after all and dad was the king of all jerks. Maybe if he went back in time then he could teach dad not to be a jerk and he could teach Fukuda to be nicer and then everything would be better…or not. Messing with the timeline never worked out….
He could accidentally erase baby sis from existence.
So maybe he shouldn't swing over the bar. Maybe he should just swing like normal….or maybe he should just jump off. That was something else he liked to do on swings. He liked to get to the highest point and jump off…and it was fun. It felt just like flying…until he hit the ground….but he could catch himself now….but he didn't. He couldn't. He was surrounded by normal people now and normal people didn't have powers….
So he just let himself fall.
He tried to land on his feet like a cat but instead landed on his hands and knees….also sort of like a cat. If big sis had been there she would have rushed over all worried…and if baby sis had been there she would have clapped her hands and laughed…and he missed her little baby laughs so much. He missed her little baby laughs and he missed big sis's worry, how she was always so worried about him and stuff….how she was always trying to take care of him and stuff…and she only worried about him and cared about him because she loved him…..
He loved his sister…he loved his sisters….he loved both of his sisters….
But he did not love being on the ground. He pushed himself up until he was standing. This was one of those playground where the ground was made out of rubber. That was good. If the ground had been concrete or something then he would have gotten hurt…and maybe that would have been a good thing. If he had gotten hurt then he could have gone to Fukuda to get all healed up and then he could have told Fukuda that he wanted to get on the plane already and go on their last stop before he went back to big sis and everyone else…but that wasn't what happened. He was fine. He was perfectly fine; no concussions, contusions, or abrasions. He stood up. He was fine and he was normal and he was not normal and-
-and someone was looking at him.
He felt it. It felt like….sort of like another esper was focusing on him. A baby esper. Like when baby sis used all of her baby focus and watched him…but that did not feel like baby sis. He couldn't even tell the color of the aura of the esper that was watching him…and he couldn't feel….he closed his eyes. He could hear the normal people all around him, they were talking and laughing and playing, and if he focused hard enough he could even be aware of them….and stuff….but only a little bit. They didn't have auras…but someone here did….sort of like a baby aura….or like a very new Awakened….or something.
Maybe he was just imagining things.
His attention kept on getting drawn up to…to the left and then up…he opened his eyes. Oh. The big kid jungle gym. It looked like a rocket ship. The outside was all metal for climbing but the very top was like a treehouse….he wondered if dad had ever played here when he had been a kid. It would have been a thing that dad would have done, since he liked space and rockets and stuff, and maybe he was just feeling thirty year old energy that hung around from dad and stuff….it certainly felt weak enough to have been thirty years old….but it didn't feel a thing like dad. It didn't feel like much of anything. Sort of like having a bug land on you….or something…
Still, he climbed the jungle gym.
He went over to the jungle gym and started climbing. This was weird. Usually he climbed with big sis and usually they couldn't go up very high since she worried about people looking up her dress and stuff…and Sho didn't get it. If she was so worried about people looking up her dress then why not wear tights? Or pants? Sho had never once in his life understood dresses…or wanting to look up them. There was a girl climbing in front of him but he didn't look up her dress. That would have just been weird. Well he knew that he was supposed to want to but it seemed pointless. So girls wore underwear, big deal, so did everyone else in the world. It wasn't like they were naked or anything like that…and even then he wouldn't have looked because that seemed weird and also like the sort of thing that you got slapped in the face for like on TV…and also it wasn't weird that he didn't care about that, about the girl in front of him, because he had a girlfriend and he only cared about her…not that he wanted to see her naked or up her dress either…but he was ten and also not a weirdo. He was normal.
Well sort of normal.
He was normal enough to move so he wasn't climbing behind the girl anymore, he wasn't a weirdo or anything like that, but he was only climbing this stupid thing to get to the top to see if he had been feeling an esper or not. If he had been feeling another esper….well if there was an adult hiding up there he'd tell Fukuda so he could tell the Division guys to get over there and recruit him but if it was a kid….he remember the Gifted Child, that was what they called the kid who escaped from Claw all those years ago, and he never wanted to be responsible for a kid getting stolen and stuff. Shimazaki said that there were people stealers everywhere and he used to be one of them before he became a hit man. Sho didn't ever want to be a people stealer.
So if this turned out to be another kid he would keep his mouth shut.
Even if the point of Claw was to collect new espers Sho would not sell out another kid. Breaking loyalty was bad, Shimazaki said that he almost lost a finger for that when he had been a kid, but Sho….he had more loyalty to other kids than to Claw. He didn't run Claw, dad and big sis did, and he didn't even rank. Dad's son was not a rank. Big sis had a rank, she was a vice president along with Fukuda, but Sho was just….dad's son. Dad wanted to find more espers, especially kid espers, and Sho….he thought that…well dad could go fuck himself. That was what Sho thought.
He wasn't going to sell out another kid even if he ended up in a traitor hole or with a finger cut off or anything like that.
And it was another kid he had been feeling. There weren't any adults up there at all. When he had been little, very little, mom had brought him to the playground and climbed to the top of the tower, the playground by the old house had a castle theme, and then she'd had someone take a picture. He had been a baby then, six months old mom had said, and he hadn't even seemed very happy….probably because big sis hadn't been in the picture. She hadn't been in any pictures until she was two, well she had but mom said that she had lost all of those pictures, but maybe she would have liked it too…to climb up here with big sis…or maybe not because there were only kids here. No moms, no babies, and no big sisters who thought that they were moms.
Just a bunch of kids.
The girl who had been in front of him, the one with the long black hair and the really big hair clip, said something to some guy sitting in the corner and then went down the slide. That looked like a fun slide, it went from the very top all the way to the bottom, and Sho…he wanted to go down that slide….but also not really. Because he might have found another esper. Yes, that was it. Because he might have found another esper and not because he just….if he went back down to the bottom then he would have to come back to the top again…and then he would go to the bottom again…and then the top….again and again and again….
And it just seemed sort of….
Fun and not fun. Playgrounds…they were not fun when your big sis wasn't there. When your little sis wasn't there. When it was just you. When you didn't know any of the other kids. He wanted….for the first time in his life he didn't want to play at a playground…..for the first time in his life he wanted…he just wanted to go…but that was just because he couldn't feel the other esper anymore. The one with the little baby aura…and it hadn't been a baby. There were no babies up here.
Just a lot of kids.
Someone pushed past him. We went over to the wall where that other guy was sitting and just…sat down…because that seemed like the place to sit if he was sitting there. Big hairclip girl had gone and now that guy was all alone…and he was just sitting there with his knees drawn up to his chest and he seemed….tired. Mad and tired. Sort of like he had been mad for a while and now he was tired of being mad…so he was just tired. Sho wondered what was up with him. Sho wondered why he wanted to be near him. He felt…sort of like a prickling at his aura…like a big was walking along it…
Better a bug walking on his aura than a goldfish in his stomach.
Because he sort of felt that too. He felt like that the nearer he got to the other guy but he also wanted to be near to the other guy so he got closer…to see if he was an esper or if Sho was just imaging things….and that was why he wanted to be near. Not because he liked the other guy's hair or his hoodie or his eyes…they were that same sort of blackish brown that big sis's eyes were….and not because he just…liked his Zootopia hoodie….or anything like that. He just….had to see if this guy was an esper.
So that was why he scooted closer and closer until he was next to him.
He had scooted so slowly and so subtly that the other guy might not have even noticed. Shimazaki had said that the trick to sneaking up on people wasn't too move so fast that they didn't notice but, instead, was to move so slowly that they didn't notice. That they had no idea that you were even there. He said that it worked on girls really well, that sometimes if you slid up next to them slowly enough like when you were dancing with them or something, they would think that you were there the whole time and even if you did surprise them they still wanted to be with you…but that might have just been because Shimazaki was really good looking.
Not that he noticed if other guys were good looking or not.
Not that he noticed it when other guys were taller than he was…or had really nice faces…nice hair….nice clothes…he didn't notice how other guys looked because he didn't notice other guys like that. He certainly didn't notice this guy like that. The way his hair stood up and went forwards and defied gravity. The way even though he had sort of a Minegishi look on his face it didn't make him look like a mean, eyebrowless, bastard…well also because he had eye brows and they were nice….and Sho had never noticed eyebrows before and he had no idea what counted as nice as far as eyebrows went….but this guy had nice eyebrows….
But Sho didn't notice these things about other guys so, of course, he was not noticing his eyebrows or how nice they were….or anything at all….and he was only getting so close because he just wanted to know if it was this guy with the baby aura, he Awakened aura…..the little baby Awakened aura….the aura that felt like ants walking across his aura….
Though he may have gotten a little too close.
"Can I help you?" asked the other guy. Sho….he had been leaning in close…and he scooted back as soon as he was noticed. The other guy took his knees down from his chest and then faced him. He looked…..a lot like big sis. They had the same eye color and theirs eyes were shaped the same….and also they had the same nose and mouth….and that was why Sho had been staring. Because he looked so much like big sis. That was all.
He was not weird.
But the other guy was looking at him like he was the biggest weirdo in the world. Sho didn't blame him. Sho had been the one staring at him like a weirdo after all so therefore it would have made sense for the other guy to think that he was weird…and he didn't want the other guy to think that he was weird. Sho…Sho wanted this other guy to like him…and they hadn't even met properly…but he still….
He didn't want to look like a weirdo.
"Um…..sorry. You uh….your hoodie is nice. It's Zootopia. I like Zootopia." Said Sho. He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick….well more of an excuse than a lie. What was he supposed to say? 'I think that you might be an esper and also you look just like my sister but even though you look like my sister you make the goldfish in my stomach swim and stuff and now it's even weirder than normal' or something like that? Yeah, that would have gone over REALLY well.
"Um….thanks. My mom got it for me I don't really….but thanks…" said the other guy. Well now Sho had screwed up. He had screwed up and now he needed to just leave. He needed to go down the slide and run away and just…not come back. He had messed up and Shimazaki had always said that when you messed up you had to try again with someone else….but he had been talking about trying to get girls to like you…and Sho was not trying to get a girl to like him…and also….also Sho didn't want to go because…um….
He might have been an esper!
If this kid was an esper but he hadn't awakened yet then…then he was in danger! He could have gotten caught by Claw's people stealers. Sho wished that they didn't have people stealers but he wasn't in charge yet….and he had to….to warn the kid…but only if he was an esper. If he wasn't an esper then Sho…well he would have running his mouth about Claw and all of that. He wasn't supposed to talk about all of that so…he needed to stick around for a while and…and see if this kid was an esper.
"So…um….I'm Sho. Suzuki Sho." said Sho. That as what you were supposed to do when you met someone. That was normal. That was normal and a normal person would have expected him to be normal…and he had to introduce himself like normal. Not like how he had introduced himself to Hideki all the way back at the party…and this was not like that…even though he felt all….
He didn't know how he felt and he didn't want to know how he felt.
"Kageyama Ritsu." Said the guy…said Ritsu…and now that Sho knew his name….he didn't know what else he was supposed to say. He had introduced himself and then Ritsu had introduce himself…and now he had no clue what to say. He wasn't going to give him the Claw speech, no, even if Ritsu had bene an esper Sho knew that he would have been weirded out if he went on about how great dad was going to make the world when he took it over….and also he didn't want Ritsu to join Claw. He was a normal person and he had a family and they were probably normal people, dad had said that having even one esper parent was rare, and Sho didn't want to take a kid away from his normal mom and dad and brother and sister who loved him…and stuff…..
No. He didn't want to be responsible for that at all.
"So…um…." Said Sho. Those were just placeholder words because he didn't have anything to say. Talk about Zootopia? No, he said that he didn't really like it. Talk about games? But that would have been pointless since he didn't even have his DS on him so…so he had nothing to talk about…and even if he did have something to talk about…he had no idea what to say….and….
"Don't take this the wrong way but what do you want?" asked Ritsu
"Um….I don't really want anything. I just climbed up here and….yeah. I'm up here." Said Sho. He sounded like an idiot. He was an idiot and Ritsu thought that he was an idiot….and they would never be friends now…and he really wanted to be friends with Ritsu….
"You can go down the slide, you know." Said Ritsu motioning towards the opening of the rocket ship they were in. If they had been in space for real then Sho would have gone out the airlock if he had gone out there….and he was just playing pretend…and that was why he was having trouble breathing. That was all.
"I know." Said Sho. He eyed the slide. He could have just slid down and pretend that he had never felt another esper and never met this kid…and it would have been easy….but he didn't want to. He didn't want to go down there with all the normal people and…and stuff. He didn't want to leave but…but he also didn't want to stay where he was not wanted.
"So why don't you?" asked Ritsu. There was something in his tone…and the look in his eyes…and Sho felt like…like someone had kicked him in the chest. Like he had been kicked in the chest with a really big shoe and it hurt and…and he just….maybe he should just go.
"Do you want me to go? Because I can I just…wanted to talk to you, I guess. I don't know. I don't talk to a lot of other people….sorry." Said Sho. He had messed up and maybe, even if he had been an esper, the best thing to do was just leave Ritsu alone. Don't be desperate, Shimazaki had said, because people could smell desperation on you from a meter away….and that probably went for making friends, too. Shimazaki had said that girls and guys could smell desperation so he had been talking about making friends…and stuff…and maybe Sho smelled so desperate that the thing to do would be to go.
He started to scoot away.
And he felt something press against his aura really fast. He had no idea what that had been, it felt like the time a dragonfly had flown into his hair, and that might have been Ritsu….or it might have just been his imagination. He didn't know. He didn't know what was with him. The way he felt. The way he just…he felt like staying forever…and he felt like running away too. He felt like….like flying away…and he could fly away….and he wanted to fly away…but he couldn't fly away. Ritsu may have been a normal person and as far as normal people knew people did not fly away.
And Sho had to be a normal person.
"Sorry. I was being a jerk." Said Ritsu
"You weren't. I was bothering you. I can go if you want me to." Said Sho
"You can stay. It's not my playground, I'm not going to kick you out or anything….sorry. I don't talk to a lot of other people either." Said Ritsu. He sighed and turned to face Sho. He put his hands in his hoodie pockets and slumped against the walls of the rocket ship….and Sho almost wished that it had been a real rocket ship because at least that way, if they had actually been blasting off, then he would have had an excuse for the way his heart was beating and the way his stomach was absolutely alive with goldfish.
"But what about that girl from before?" asked Sho. He asked before he could stop himself from asking. So he had been talking to a girl. So what? There were girls everywhere and that didn't mean that Ritsu was going out with that girl or anything like that…and Sho didn't even know why he cared if Ritsu was going out with that girl or not.
"That's just Takane. She's my neighbor and she talks to me sometimes. I think that she likes me…..I don't care. I'm not going back." Said Ritsu. Sho…well now he had even more goldfish in his stomach than before. It was like he had swallowed a whole aquarium…and he didn't know why. He didn't know what this was or how to make it better…and he didn't want to think about it. He knew what had happened last time he had met someone and felt like…this….
He tried his hardest not to turn red.
That had been…that had been so very…he had no idea. He had no idea how he felt now or how he had felt then….well he knew how he had felt then…but he didn't want to think about…about it. About how he had felt….about how he felt now. He closed his eyes and let his aura do the seeing for a minute. He saw….huh. Ritsu had sort of an aura…and some people were just like that. People who hadn't Awakened yet, people who may never awaken, people who would need to be shoved into awakening chambers….and Sho was going to keep his mouth shut about all of this….because he didn't want anyone to go through what he had gone through….
But at least he knew why he wanted to be near Ritsu…he was another esper….and that was that.
"Go-going where? I mean going back where? Where….where did she want you to go back to?" asked Sho finding some more words. That was something to say. He wasn't going to say something ridiculous like 'do you like anyone'….because he didn't even know where that one had come from. It had just popped into his head and…and he didn't know why. What did he care if guys had girlfriends? What did he care if this guy had a girlfriend? He had a girlfriend.
"Home. She wants me to go back home…she lives near me…and I guess she heard me and my parents fighting." Said Ritsu
"Shit. You ran away from home?" asked Sho
"Yes….no….I don't know. I just needed to leave. My parents….they get weird in the spring. I don't even know why…well I do know why…and it's so stupid! It's just….sorry." said Ritsu
"No, you don't have to be. I know how bad parents can be….well it's just my dad now….but he's an asshole and….and I've thought about running away before but I never had the guts to do it." Said Sho
"I…..I didn't run away. I didn't run away I just….couldn't take it anymore. They never let me go anywhere or do anything….and I get it. They don't want anything to happen to me because…." Said Ritsu
"I know how that feels. My sister never lets me do anything sometimes. She treats me like a baby and I hate it." Said Sho
"At least your sister is still alive." Said Ritsu lowly. Sho wished that he had an undo button. Fuck! Well to be fair how was he supposed to know that Ritsu's sister was dead…but fair had nothing to do with this or anything else because…because life wasn't fair! If life had been fair then he wouldn't have said something so…so…so…stupid!
"Oh…fuck. Sorry. I'm…I'm really sorry. I didn't know." said Sho. He needed to figure out a way to backtrack, to make this better because right now he had said something so stupid…and Ritsu was probably really hurt, too. Sho didn't know what he would do if his sister died. If either of his sisters died. Baby sis might not have come from mom and dad but she was still his sister and the thought of her dying…of never seeing her again…not for a long while but never again….it really hurts. Like he swallowed a fork and tried to get it out with a knife but then the knife got caught in his stomach so now he had to dig all of that out with a spoon…or something.
"No….I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. It's just…my parents get really weird in the spring because my sister was born in the spring and…yeah. They get really weird about me because of her…and yeah. That's why I'm up here." Said Ritsu. The feeling was still there and Sho…he hated this feeling. He had messed up and he hadn't even realized it…and now…well now he needed to figure out what to say…if there was even anything that he could say…to make this better….
"Oh…well I'm still sorry. I don't know what I would do without my sister….sisters. I have two. I have an older sister who takes care of me and another one…well she got adopted and I don't see her very often….and that's not as bad as them being dead. I haven't seen my older sister in a while and I won't see my little sister in a while….but that's not as bad as them being dead…so sorry." said Sho. He just…said words. He just said words and he hoped that these were the right words to say because they were the only ones he had. They were honest words, the most honest, and…and he didn't want to lie so he had might as well be honest. He never spoke this honestly with anyone….not usually….but it was just sort of…easy to talk to this Ritsu guy…even though they had just met. Maybe because they had just met. Maybe because he didn't know who Sho was and he didn't have any idea of who he had to be….any expectations….and it was…it was nice…
And he could see his aura.
He couldn't see Ritsu's aura…but he was mostly sure that it was there. His aura seemed to be mostly sure that it was there because his aura kept on touching Ritsu…and it was….a good feeling. He did feel like he had an aura but not much of one. That was why his aura kept on picking at Ritsu's non aura. It was like they were trying to touch….like his aura was trying to touch Ritsu's because they couldn't touch in real life…
Not that Sho wanted to touch him or anything.
Not that Sho wanted to pretend that this rocket was theirs and theirs alone and they were one a deep space mission or something…even though that would have been a fun game and all…but he couldn't pretend that they were alone because the fact that there were other people around…that's what kept him a normal distance from Ritsu. There were other people running past them. They climbed up the jungle gym, went into the rocket ship, and went down the slide. They ran and laughed and pushed and screamed…and now there was kind of a traffic jam since some kid was trying to go up the slide like a jerk. Sho wanted to be alone with Ritsu….
And that was not the thing to want.
He was just the biggest jerk in the world, now wasn't he? Here he is listening to Ritsu talk about his poor dead sister and all Sho wanted was to reach over and hold his hand…to comfort him. That was all. Not because of any other reason than that. He had a girlfriend, anyway, and he was not a cheater. Cheaters were traitors and traitors rotted in traitor holes. He did not want to hold Ritsu's hand for the purposes of hand holding not only because he had a girlfriend but also because he was a guy and he was different enough as it was and even if he did like another guy that would just make him more different and dad would hate him more than he already did and everyone would think that he was a weirdo….well not big sis since she liked everyone….but everyone else would think that he was a weirdo and no guy would ever like him back anyway so there!
He put his hands in his pockets just to be safe.
"No, I think that's worse…being away from your sisters, I mean. I at least never knew my sister, she died when I was one, so I don't really miss her. I don't even know her. All I know is that mom and dad have a picture of her up in the family shrine next to my grandparents. It'd be worse if I knew her…I guess. I don't know. Maybe it would have been better if I had some real memories…then my parents wouldn't have all the memories…I think. I don't know. They're just…so weird in the spring. It's like…like they lost her and they think they'll lose me…I don't know. Sorry to drop all of this on you especially after we just met." Said Ritsu. He was red, now, and he was looking down. Sho didn't get what he was so upset about. He was talking about something that was bothering him, that wasn't embarrassing, and even if it was Sho was imagining things that were a million times more embarrassing than talking about your feelings so there! He won…not that he wanted to win.
"It's ok. I don't mind. Youre going through a lot and it sucks. I wish I knew what you were going through….well not really because my sisters would have to die…but also kind of because it looks like it sucks…and stuff." Said Sho. He had been trying to sound like big sis, how she could just be so nice all the time, but instead he ended up sounding awkward like her…and now he was glad that he'd be going soon…because then at least this guy would forget him and how awkward he was….
He actually didn't want to go.
He didn't want to leave baby sis and he didn't want to leave this park and…and he wanted to get to know this guy better. He wanted to…to be his friend. He knew what this feeling was. He had gotten this about people he wanted to be friends with before. Since he had been really little. He just….really wanted to be his friend…that was all. And maybe Ritsu wanted to be friends with him too. He was sitting closer now….well he sort of had to. A bunch of kids were shouting down the slide now, apparently the jerk climbing up the slide wasn't going to give up and now they were at war, so Ritsu had to scoot closer to be heard…or he could have started shouting…
Sho was not complaining.
"Thanks for listening. Nobody ever listens to me." Said Ritsu
"That sucks. People don't really listen to me anyway…well my best friend does…but most people don't." said Sho. He had been about to say that big sis listened to him but this did not seem like it was the time or the place to bring up how awesome big sis was. This maybe wasn't the time or the place to bring up how awesome Shimazaki was…because then he'd start thinking about him…and stuff. How awesome he was…how much he missed him….and other stuff that he should not have been thinking about.
"People suck…but yeah, most people don't. You….you don't." said Ritsu. He got a little closer and now…now Sho knew he was feeling his aura…and he could almost see it. He could see blue, dark blue, and he could see red…and his aura was touching Ritsu's and…and it was….weird. Weird in a good way and weird in a bad way and weird in a way where he was glad that he was surrounded by normal people who couldn't see this.
"Th-thanks….you don't suck either." Said Sho. That was just….how he felt. He didn't think that Ritsu sucked. He thought that Ritsu was…he was…he did not suck. He didn't suck at all….in fact…it was…this was the opposite of sucking….and it didn't blow either…it was just…this was…
Warm.
He was warm and he knew that he was red…and maybe it was just hot out. Even though he was in a hoodie and everyone was in a hoodie. He was in a hoodie because it was kind of cold out…but maybe it was hot out and nobody realized it…because Ritsu was all red too….and Sho was close enough to him to see how red he was…and he wanted to scoot back…but he also didn't.
"Really, you don't. Thanks for listening to me. I mean you don't even know me but…thanks for that. Nobody's ever listened to me like that before." Said Ritsu. He took his hand out of his hoodie pocket and put it down in front of him. Sho…he did the same. He did that to be polite…or something, Fukuda had said before that it was rude to keep your hands in your pockets when you talked to someone…so he was just….not being rude. That was why he took his hand out of his pocket and put it down by Ritsu's. That was why. No other reason.
None whatsoever.
"A-any time." Said Sho. His voice came out weird there, weirdly high, and he didn't know why. He swallowed. He was….he had only gotten closer because…because it was crowded in there…and that was why he was so close…and so warm…and of course he was warm. He was in a small space and someone was close to him…and he was only close because…because there were so many other people around. People wanted to go down the slide and up and slide and…and it was just crowded….and stuff…and that was why he was so close…
And that was why Ritsu's hand touched his.
Sho couldn't breathe. He felt Ritsu's middle finger poking his middle finger…and that had probably been an accident…and also it was an accident when his middle finger and then his ring finger….and his pointer finger…and then his whole hand…his whole hand was on top of Sho's…and he knew that he should pull his hand away….because he was….he was thinking thoughts that were not true and getting into things that…that he should not have gotten into. This was just…just because it was crowded. That was all….
And Sho was the one being weird.
He was being weird because he was the one leaning in closer now and he was the one who wasn't pulling his hand away and he was the one with a whole aquarium in his stomach and he was the one thinking things that could not be true. He was the one thinking that maybe Ritsu wanted to hold his hand for the sake of holding hands. He was the one thinking that maybe he wanted to hold Ritsu's hand for the sake of holding hands. He was the one thinking that….a lot of thoughts that he should not have been thinking. Cheater thoughts. Thoughts about another guy that he should not have had. Thoughts that he wished he could just exorcise from his mind like spirits from the world….
Thoughts like kiss me.
"I-It's crowded in here. I should climb down now." Said Sho quickly. He pulled his hand away from Ritsu's quickly…and Ritsu snatched his back and….and he seemed sort of hurt…and stuff…and Sho…he just….Sho didn't even know.
He just didn't know.
"Yeah….I should climb down too. People are probably wondering where I am." Said Ritsu. He didn't look at Sho. Sho didn't look at him. They both just sort of looked off in opposite directions for a moment before Sho remembered how to move. He crawled backwards and climbed down the side of the jungle gym. The war for the slide was going on. He could see it if he turned his head to the side as he climbed down. There were a bunch of little kids trying to climb up, a bunch of big kids trying to go down, and one guy hanging off the side and swinging back and forth…and Sho watched what was happening over there. He watched what was happening over there because otherwise he would have to look up and see the person climbing down…the person who he had held hands with…because it was crowded…and the person who was also climbing down….
But maybe he should have been paying attention.
Because he head a slip, a yelp, and then…and then he didn't think. He just reached out and caught Ritsu…with his powers. He caught Ritsu with his powers as he fell down beside him…and then quickly took his hand and put him back on the jungle gym where he belonged. Sho hadn't been thinking. He had just seen someone, another esper falling….and then he had caught him…and now he was being stared at. He fucked up. Even if Ritsu was an esper, he was barely an esper, using his powers in public like this….and in front of someone who didn't even know what powers were….and he didn't or he would have said something….that was….
This was not good.
Also his catching could use some work. He had heard the hollow sort of sound metal made when you hit it….and now he knew why. Ritsu had a big red gash on his forehead…and Sho was glad that a bunch of kids had just fallen off the slide and people were freaking out over there….that way nobody would be freaking out over here….and they had every reason to freak out since…since Ritsu had a massive gash on his head….but for some reason he wasn't freaking out….
He was just staring.
Sho didn't know what to do or to say so he just….did something. He jumped. He jumped down and it felt like flying, for a moment, but he didn't fly because he had already used his powers in public once and once was bad enough. He hit the ground on all fours like a cat and then ran for the nearest along place that he could find. The tunnel. He ran for the tunnel and just….hid.
He caught his breath.
He brought his knees up to his chest and caught his breath. That was…..he didn't care if Fukuda was done or not. He was going to find him and then he was going to drag him kicking and screaming to the airport and then they were going to get on that plane and fly away. That was what was going to happen. He was not going to stay in Seasoning City for a moment longer. He needed go and he needed to…to stay and…and calm down…
But he couldn't calm down.
He felt someone near to him…and he had been about to tell whoever it was to fuck off and let him freak out in peace…but then he saw who it was. He saw who it was and he felt who it was and…and he didn't want to tell him to fuck off…but he didn't want to see him again. He was the one who made him feel like this and he was the one who had fallen off and he was the one with the blood on his head and shirt and he was the one who…..who….
Sho didn't even know.
He lifted his head up and tried to breathe. He tried to calm down. He wanted….he wanted to kick Ritsu out and also…and also a big part of him wanted to kiss Ritsu still. To lean in and kiss him like he had been about to do in the rocket ship…but he didn't because not only would that have bene weird it also would have made him a cheater and he was not a cheater. He was….he was a lot of things but he was not a cheater.
He was a lot of things.
"How did you do that?" asked Ritsu. He sounded serious there and he was serious. That was the same face that big sis made when she was deathly serious about something…and it was so weird how much he looked like big sis….but Sho just wanted to see big sis again. Maybe he had just been praying really hard that big sis stuck her head in the tunnel and told him that it was time to go home and do school work or eat dinner or take a bath or something…anything. But big sis was in a whole other country and Sho was in a whole other country and there was no way that she was going to be able to come and save him from this….
From his own stupidity and his own feelings.
"Do what?" asked Sho stupidly. He just…maybe if he played dumb then Ritsu would stop asking or think that he had hit his head and went crazy or something. Sho knew that he was not supposed to talk about what he was, about what he could do, with people who weren't espers…and Ritsu barely counted. Baby sis had more of an aura than he did and she was only a little baby. Ritsu…if he got caught then he'd definitely be put in an Awakening machine…Sho felt the scars on his arms….nobody deserved that fate.
"You saved me….well you broke my head opened but you saved me…and I want to know how. Tell me how you did that and don't try and tell me that I'm imagining things because I know that I wasn't." said Ritsu
"I'm not supposed to talk about this…and you don't want to know anyway. If I tell you then…then I don't know what's going to happen." Said Sho
"That just makes me want to know even more. You know that right?" asked Ritsu
"Well you shouldn't want to know! Just…I don't know. If I tell you then you'll look for us and then they'll find you and if they find you they'll catch you and do experiments on you and then…then you'll never see your parents again and stuff." Said Sho
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Ritsu
"Just…can you move things without touching them? Or, like, sense people when they're near? Or fly? Or put up a barrier? Or any of the other stuff that…that normal people can't do?" asked Sho
"….sometimes I get a weird feeling off of people….like I know that they're there….and sometimes I can see….colors? If that makes sense. Like you. You're red." Said Ritsu
"That's my aura….ok. You can see auras…and even my baby sister can do that…but that's not going to be good enough." Said Sho
"For what? You aren't making sense." Said Ritsu
"For Claw…that's where…where I come from. Listen, you…you might be able to do the stuff that I can do and you might not be able to and if you can't then…then they'll do experiments on you until you can…and I don't want that to happen to you or to anyone." Said Sho
"Now you really aren't making sense…" said Ritsu slowly. Sho…he had to say something…because he could not let anything happen…..
"I am. Just…don't ever tell anyone what you can do and if you sense someone else like me just…run away, I guess. There's a whole division here and….yeah. Just…just be careful and…and you didn't hear any of this from me!" said Sho
"I-I get it…and I didn't hear it from you. I don't know who these people are or….or even what that was but…but you seem scared so…so I'll just keep this to myself." Said Ritsu. Sho…Sho could have kissed him then. He was listening. He was listening which meant that he was going to be fine…and now there was a new kind of scared inside of himself. Well he had been scared for Ritsu and now for himself…because he had betrayed Claw…and also because he had betrayed…betrayed himself…his brain was betraying him…and stuff….it had been betraying him back then and
"Good. Just….sorry. I'm just sorry." said Sho. He crawled out of the tunnel and just…ran. He ran towards the direction of Fukuda's aura. He ran and he didn't look back. How could he had been so stupid? Well he was always stupid but back there he had been extra stupid. He had almost told someone from the outside…well he had told someone from the outside…and also he had betrayed Claw…he was a traitor…if dad found out that not only had he found another esper but a kid esper…and not only had he found a kid esper but he had warned him to stay away from Claw…
Sho wondered who would be looking through the spaces between their fingers while dad beat him up…maybe even to death….
And he didn't want that. He knew, he had always known, that dad could kill him. Dad was the strongest esper around and he had killed people before…traitors. Sho was now a traitor…at least he would be if dad ever found out….and he wouldn't. He couldn't. Sho…he ran to Fukuda's aura. He felt like if he put some distance between himself and this place it would be better….like he expected dad to pop out at any time and be all 'got ya' and…and stuff. He needed….he needed….
He needed Fukuda.
It was not a long run to him. He was at grandma and grandpa's grave and he waa….it looked like he was praying and stuff…and Sho didn't care. He ran up and…and then…and then he did care….because he needed to be calm. He needed to be calm because then Fukuda would know. He was still dad's best friend and if he knew that Sho had betrayed dad….well dad did not like to be betrayed….so he had to keep this to himself. Another secret. Sometimes it felt like his life was just secret on top of secret on top of secret….
But that was just the way things went for him, it seemed.
"Hey Sho. I was just about to come and get you, actually. Is everything…did you run here?" asked Fukuda. Sho wiped his forehead with his sleeve.
"Yeah, I ran here. So what?" Said Sho simply. What, was he not allowed to run now? Why did Fukuda have to be so suspicious? Why did he have to be so nosy all the time? Hadn't he ever heard of privacy!?
"Nothing. I was just wondering if you were ok…or if something had happened." Said Fukuda. Sho looked away. Fukuda had always been good at getting stuff out of him…but he could not get this out of him. Any of this. The hand holding, the weird feelings, and especially how he had messed up and used his power. He loved Fukuda and trusted him…but there was no one in the world he could trust with these feelings.
"Yeah, lots of stuff happened. It's a big world, things happened in it. Let's go." said Sho
"I meant to you, Sho, did anything happen to you? Not even something bad? Did anything good happen? Did you have fun? Make any new friends?" asked Fukuda. Sho…he wanted to dig a hole and then stay there until it became his grave. Did he know? No, that was crazy. He didn't know…nobody knew…and Sho was going to keep it that way.
"Yeah, I met a guy and we hung out and that's all that happened. Let's go already. We have places to be." said Sho
"Oh, I get it. Alright, I've been here long enough. Just let me say goodbye to your grandparents." Said Fukuda
"Well come on. Before they get any deader." Said Sho. He shifted in place as he waited. He needed to et going before he messed something else up. Baby sis should have been awake by now and she must have been missing him…and also he had messed up not only in leaving her but….but yeah. Mess up after mess up after mess up…and now he just wanted to go already…
Normally Sho would have been happy to be with Fukuda, to have seen baby sis, and to have gone to the playground….but now he just wanted to go.