Masami had always turned into an octopus at night.

Suzuki had always preferred to sleep on his bad with his hands folded. It was just the most comfortable way to sleep. No part of him was immobilized. Masami had never liked that. She had always laid on top of him or pulled him over so he was holding her in some way. They would always become a tangle of limbs at her insistence. Their legs tangled together, his chest pressed against her back, his arms around hers. Her arms wrapped together. Her hand in his. Her fingers laced through his. It was not a comfortable way to sleep at all. He had always woken up in the night to the pins and needles feeling shooting up his arm. To her saliva seeping through the arm of his shirt. To her hair in his eyes and nose and mouth. He had always, at some point in the night, woken up and had to disentangle himself from her.

Carefully.

Always carefully so as not to wake her. She had things to do in the morning and she needed her sleep. He could give her that. She needed sleep and she needed to bond with him, too. Her stomach…her stomach was still so flat. They had just gotten married then. Son was in there. He was in there but he wasn't ready to come out yet. To be cut out of her. He wasn't ready to be cut out of her like organs from a fish. She would be on her back with a curtain draped over her…and she would hold his hand and tell him that she was going to be fine….but she would not be fine. She would not be fine at all. She would….she would be….her organs would not be inside of her where they belonged and….and there would be so much blood….

He has to warn her.

She needs to know what's coming. She needs to know that she will not be ok She needs to be warned about…about everything…but he just…he needs to warn her. To speak. He needs to…why can't he speak? He feels like he's being weighed down….that's the weight of her against him…but he just…he needs to SPEAK….he forces himself to…to say something. To tell her that she will not be ok. To tell her that…that she and Son…that they will not be ok….

"Masami." He manages to choke out. He gets her name out and then not much else. But now she knows, at least, that she will not be ok. That things will not be ok. She will be laying down on her back in a place that smells like death and is surrounded by death and has an aura of death…and maybe he should have let Tadashi handle it after all…but Tadashi told him to go to a hospital because he knows nothing of delivering babies…but how can he not know? People have been delivering babies since the beginning of time. It wasn't complicated. They came out the same way they got in.

They had made a human together.

He feels her stomach. Flat, very flat. Son is still tiny. Son started off so small…just two cells…and then four….and then eight. He divided up endlessly under he was the person he was today. He needs to warn Masami about what Son will grow up to be. Such a troublesome little boy. How he could have made such a troublesome little boy he will never know. He's born red and crying and Son is put into his arms after he's cleaned off….and Suzuki stops vomiting…..and Masami is stitched up and Tadashi shows up and says that he'll fix her when she's out of the hospital and Son is in his arms and he's so tiny and red and his eyes are blue and he looks at him and Masami like he knows them….and he does know them because Suzuki has been speaking into Masami's stomach for at least an hour a day so that his Son will recognize his voice and Son is there and Masami's stomach is flat now.

Where is Son?

Son is baby. Son is born and he's a baby and Suzuki can't take the crying anymore but it's his only means of communication and Masami knows what his cries mean but he isn't crying now at all. He's silent and the silence is worse than the crying because at least when he cries then Suzuki knows that he's alive and he's only got the one Son and he MADE a HUMAN and there's a human in the world and he's so small and fragile and he fits in one hand and his little hand wraps around his finger and his name is Sho and he's got an awareness to him that Suzuki never expected and he will grow up to do great things and that's why his name has the character for leader well it will have the character for leader once he's born.

Masami's stomach is flat.

He presses his palm to her stomach. There's some give to her. He lets his hand rest there. Son has been born and he's asleep and they're in blissful silence. They're laying together in blissful silence and he knows that he will never get to sleep all tangled up in her like this but he knows also that…that being tangled up in her like this is a gift. That she is a gift. She is a gift and she is his and he will never take her for granted again. Take this for granted again. Being tangled up in her limbs. Her body against his. The flat of her stomach against his hand. Son has been born and his daughter has been born and she is his daughter. She is his daughter and the sun rose and set with her. The world turned for her. He lived for her.

She is all he desires and his will to succeed.

She is the very breathe the he breaths. She is all he desires and his will to succeed. He mustn't roll over. He mustn't disturb her. He must stay still. He must stay still beside Masami. He must not move even though he knows his limbs will go to pins and needles under her weight. Her weight is there. Her weight…she weights so little. He doesn't remember her weighing so little. He pulls her closer. She won't be there. He mustn't move or she won't be there. She will be gone. She will be gone from his. Masami will be gone from him….and he doesn't know why…he loves her. He cares for her. The sun rises and sets with her. She is all he desires and she is his will to succeed.

He holds her closer.

A leg tangles with hers. She feels small. She has always been smaller than him. He keeps her close. He feels her stomach under his hand. He feels the expanse of cotton beneath the palm of his hand. He expands his fingers out like a starfish. He pulls one out of the ocean as a child. It's a fascinating creature. Mother says to put it back before it dies. He listens. Mother knows best. Masami knows best. She is intelligent. She will do such a good job raising Son. Daughter. He has a Daughter.

Blue eyes looking back at him.

Eyes impossibly blue on a person impossibly small. Hair impossibly red. A voice that is impossibly loud. A name that is not Son's. A child that is not Son. A child that is not his. This cannot be his child. This is not the child that he feels under his hand. This is not the being made of two rapidly dividing cells that he has created in a moment of pleasure and trust and love and the culmination of emotions, of is emotions, of her emotions. Of the smooth expanse of her skin beneath his hands. Not cotton. Skin. Warm and slick with sweat and a voice that calls out to him and hands on his back and his sides and his hair and just EVERYWHERE and she is everywhere and he is everywhere with her and he has felt that again and again and he's in his office and he knows that he is making a MISTAKE and he doesn't care until it's over and it is over and he is with Masami and he would never do that to her.

He would never do anything to hurt her.

And he would never do anything to hurt the person he can feel growing within her. He can feel an aura. He can feel an aura all around him…and it's comforting. He lets his aura meet this one. He lets his aura meet this one and he lets his hand meet the cotton. He lets his hand find the expanse of her stomach…and he finds the bed. Because her stomach is flat. Her stomach is flat and she is smaller than him and that is why she is so small. She is so small and he has to keep her there and with him and safe and he needs to hold her so close that she can never leave. He needs to build her a beautiful cage and never let her out because she cannot leave him.

She cannot leave him.

His hand is back on her stomach. There is a future within her. There is a future within them. They are the makers of their future. They are the makers of this person who will then go on to make more people and then those people will go on to make more people and round and round they will go. Around and around and around and around. He will see her when the spool has turned another turn. It's not that he's confused, he knows, he knows what he is. He knows who she is. She is the one who makes him work for what he is. He knows who he is and he knows what he is and he knows what he must do.

He will give her the world and she is right to ask it.

He does not despise the world. He despises very little. Despises his place in it. He is the most powerful being on Earth. The world is rightly his. It's not the world that he despises but the way it is run. The way it turns. It will turn for her. He will make the world turn for her. She is his. She is his and she is perfection and he loves her. He loves every single thing about her. He loves the way he smiles at him. He loves the way she brushes out her hair. He loves the way she always….always stays there with him. There is an idea in his mind that she will be gone from him but….but that idea is so insane that he cannot even articulate it.

She will never go.

He finds her hair. He can feel her hair against his face. This annoys him. This is the part of the night where he will turn away from her. He cannot sleep like this…but he cannot let her go. She is his. She is his and he will never let her go. She is his and she makes him feel everything and he shouldn't feel everything because nothing good ever happens when he feels…when he feels everything….but she is his and he can love her. He is hers….he is hers and she is his and they are each other and she makes him feel so…this is a good feeling.

He presses himself closer to her.

He presses his face into her hair until his nose is pressed right up against the base of her skull…and he wants to pull away. He wants to pull away but he doesn't know why. He stays. He stays even though she smells….different. There is supposed to be a smell to her….not the artificial berry scent but…he inhales. She is not…she is not supposed to smell like this. He has spent countless nights pressed into her and she has never smelled like this before….his hand raises up from her stomach to where her waist flares into her hip. He knows this dip. He enjoys holding her by this dip. It's like it's been molded for his hand…but he finds…he doesn't find it. His hand goes from her waist to her thigh to her ribs…and she is very small…and he knows that she is not supposed to be this small….and she is this small…and she does not….this is not….

He opens his eyes.

He rolls over.

He sits up.

"Dad….are you ok?" asked Daughter. She is sitting up too. She has turned the light on, now, and it burns. He doesn't want to look at her. He wants to look at her. He wants her out of his bed. He wants to hold her. He wants to be alone. He wants to tie her to him so she can never get away. He wants Masami. He wants Daughter. He wants….he wants a great many things…

But mostly he just wants a time machine.

He wants to go back in time and wake himself up before he can….he hadn't even done anything….but he still feels like he has done something wrong. He mistook Daughter for Masami but…but he hadn't done anything. He had dreamt of Masami. It happened occasionally. He woke up about once a week having had dreamt of her….and at least he hasn't woken up in the state that he usually does…and he was never in that state to begin with. If he had been in that state then Daughter would have left….because nobody wants to be around their father when he is in that state….but he was not in that state to begin with….and Daughter…he knows that Daughter is not Masami…

He wants to wake up.

"Fine." Said Suzuki. He found some words. After a moment, and some swallowing, he finds some words. He needs to calm down. He is calm. He is fine. Daughter is Daughter and…and he held her…but that is normal. He's held her before. He's supposed to hold her. She's his Daughter. Why wouldn't he hold her? He cared for her…he loved her…and she enjoyed being held….and he should not have felt the way he felt…and he felt….he felt…

He felt, vaguely, like he needed a bath….

"Are you sure? You felt like you were having a bad dream." Said Daughter. She scoots closer to him. He scoots away. He doesn't know why he scoots away from her. He's on the cool side of the bed. He's on the cool side of the bed and…and he wants to be near her…but at the same time he doesn't…and he doesn't know why. He feels….he feels a sort of loss as he looks at her. Well he had been expecting Masami but he had gotten her…and he's happy to have her. When she's around he feels happy and content and…and he loves her….and she…she loves him too….

But he still feels, vaguely, like he needs a bath.

"I'm fine." Said Suzuki. He forces his aura to calm down. He exorcises his emotions as best he can. He doesn't even know why he has to have them. He'd been having a dream. Dreams are not reality. Masami….she only came to him in dreams now…and she is gone….but Daughter is there. She is something that is real. She is something that he can reach out and feel….and she is so small and so soft and so there and he cares for her so much and he wants nothing more than to pull her into his arms and press her to his chest and keep her near…but part of him wants her to be far away from him…at least until he settled his aura…his emotions….

Whatever they were.

"It's ok if you aren't. You can cuddle me some more if you want. I want you to feel better." Said Daughter. The lights flicker. He does not want that. He does not want that…and he does…but right now…he feels…he feels like a tangled up cord. Like a tangled up controller cords. Like the controller to a system that he hasn't played in a while….well of course he hasn't he's forty four….but he feels all tangled up….because he is tangled up. He tangled up the memory of Masami with the existence of Daughter….and now he just has to….get himself all untangled…

And it would have been a lot easy to do that if she would just leave him be.

"I told you that I was fine. Why can't you listen?" asked Suzuki. He hates himself the minute he says that. Her aura pulls away from him. He hates himself for speaking to her like that. For making her pull away. For making her want to leave. She cannot leave. He will not let her leave. He reaches out and takes her by the arm. She looks at him…and her aura is still trying to pull away…

Why is she trying to pull away?

"Oh….I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me." Said Daughter. Her voice is small there….and he has no idea why. He has no idea why her voice is so small or why…why she is letting her aura pull away from him. For a moment, a terrible moment, he worries that she may have been able to hear his thoughts. That she hear how he wanted her gone from him. That she knew….that she knew that he had wanted her away from him…and now she was planning on going away from him. That she was planning on walking out that door and out of his life and….and then he would be alone….so alone…and she would be…he had no idea where she would be….

He has to fix this.

"No. I am not angry with you. I will never be angry with you. I care for you. I care for you more than words can ever express." Said Suzuki. There. Now she would know that he cared for her and that he is not angry with her. He can never be angry with her. He doesn't even remember what it is to be angry with her. He knows that in the past he must have been but now the thought is incomprehensible. She is his. He can never be angry with her. Why would he be?

She is his and he is hers.

"Oh…ok. I love you too, dad." Said Daughter. He let go of her wrist. She is looking at him. He is looking at her. She needs an explanation, maybe, because why else would she still be awake at…whatever hour of the night this was. She needed sleep and he needed sleep but….but he cannot go back to sleep. He doesn't know how he can go back to sleep when Masami is still inhabiting his mind. Masami, the memory of her, and also the memory of Daughter…the reality of Daughter. She is not a memory, she is a reality, and she is there in reality looking up at him with her brown eyes….that shade of brown that was almost black…the way her eyes met his. She was in need of an explanation…but he had none. He had no idea what he was even supposed to tell her. He could not tell her that he dreamt of her mother from time to time and that those dreams of her mother had overlapped with their time together….she could never know about that. Her mother was gone and she had moved past that….and now he had moved past it to. She needed to believe that he had moved past Masami….

Because he could not show her weakness….the weakness that he felt…weakness for a memory of all things….

"Make breakfast. Right now." Said Suzuki. He needed to have her do something besides be near him. He wants her near him…but he also…he needs her to take her eyes off of him. He needs her eyes and her aura off of him. He needs her to just…not look at him. He needs to…he needs her to find something else to do…besides look at him….

Even though he wants nothing more than to hold her and never let her go.

"But it's in the middle of the night." Said Daughter. Suzuki forced his aura to keep still. He wants to tell her that, yes, it is in the middle of the night and that she needs to go back to bed…but he knows that he can't go back to bed…and he wants her near him…but he can't have her near him and get himself sorted out at the same time…and just….just….

He needs a moment.

"I'm aware. No go make breakfast." Said Suzuki. Doesn't look at her when he says that. He keeps his aura away from hers. He picks a spot on the blanket to look at. It's blue. There's a loose thread. He can see the loose thread and he wants to pull it but he isn't going to pull it because if he does pull it then the whole thing will fall apart…and he doesn't want anything to fall apart…

He hates it when things fall apart.

"What should I make?" asked Daughter. Suzuki can't think right now. He focuses on the loose thread of the blanket. Why is this upsetting him? Threads come lose. It's just a thing that happens in the course of existence. Threads come lose and when they come lose they need to be fixed….or pulled….but he doesn't know how to fix it and he doesn't know what he'll do after he pulls it…and he wants to pull it…..but he knows not to pull it because nothing good will come of that…because then it will fall apart…and he hates it so much when things fall apart…..

He takes his eyes off of his bed.

"Food." Said Suzuki. He's looking at Daughter, now, but not in the eyes. He's focused on the bridge of her nose. That's a trick Fukuda taught him years ago. When you looked at the bridge of someone's nose they thought that you were making eye contact with them. Eye contact was very important. Daughter expected him to make eye contact with her…and he had to….but he couldn't. For some reason he just couldn't. Not after….after what had happened….but he hadn't even done anything! If he hadn't even done anything then….then what was this feeling….this feeling like he HAD done something…..

He was having trouble exorcising these emotions.

"I….yes dad." Said Daughter. She looked like she wanted to say something more. She opened and closed her mouth but she did not say anything more. He had no idea what she even could have said to him. There was nothing to say. She was the child and he was the adult and he had told her to do something and he expected it done….but…but it felt wrong just giving her an order like that. It felt wrong just telling her to do something even though he was in his rights too. He hadn't given her an order in so long….and she didn't need orders…she just did things. Still, this felt wrong. Even though he was within his rights to give her orders….this still felt so very wrong to him….

Maybe because she was leaving now.

"Thank you." Said Suzuki. He watched her. He watched her get out of bed. He watched her walk across the room. He watched her open the door. He watched her walk through it. He watched her close it. He listened as she walked to the kitchen. He watched her aura. She was cooking. She was cooking and she would not be coming back…and he had no clue how to feel about that.

Good.

He should have felt good. With her gone he could get his emotions under control and he could get everything untangled…but he had no idea how to do that. He needed….he needed her back…but he could not have her back. Not when he could still feel the ghost of Masami there with him. The ghost of Masami had been haunting him for years…and now….did he want…did he want her? Did he want her to haunt him or….or did he want to be left alone? What did he even….what could he even want? He had no idea. He just….he didn't know….

Masami had always turned into an octopus at night….and he had always complained about it…but now he wanted….he wanted….

He wanted to hold her and be held by her….but all he had there was Daughter…and he wanted to hold Daughter and be held by her….and was that….was that alright? He had always enjoyed holding her but….but that had been…..Masami had been there with him and….and also not with him…and he didn't have a clue. He didn't have a fucking clue what he was supposed to say or do or feel in this situation. He ran his hands down the bedspread….and he felt the loose thread. It was there, right there….

So he pulled it.