She was not home.
Home was the Castle and Sho knew that he could never live in the Castle again. He would never set foot in his real home…if it even still counted as his real home. Mom was gone. Without mom could it even be counted as home? Or was it just a collection of floors and walls and pipes and furniture and stuff? Was it even still there? Maybe it had grown chicken legs and ran away like the house in that show he had seen back when he had been staying in Moscow. He didn't know. He just knew that this house, the one in front of him, was not his home.
"Are you alright, Sho?" asked Fukuda. He pressed a hand to Sho's back. They were back now….if this even counted as being back since everyone had moved about a million times since Moscow. Twice within this country. They were in more Claw houses, they were all pretty much the same, and they were in another country….though those were all pretty much the same too. This was just another house in a long list of houses that he would be staying in.
He was fine.
This was fine. This was a house. This was the house that his family….part of his family lived in. This was where big sis was. He could feel her aura. She was asleep, probably, since this was in the middle of the night and stuff. Fukuda hadn't planned this, usually he planned for them to get where they needed to go in the daytime, but Sho…he'd asked to come back. He'd asked to rejoin the others and Fukuda….well he'd called a plane and now they were back.
Back but not back.
"I'm fine. Just….tired. It's late at night here." Said Sho as he pulled the straps of his backpack tighter. He could feel big sis…and he could feel dad…and he didn't want to feel dad. He didn't know what he had bene expecting to feel but it had not been dad. He hadn't been near dad for so long…and now he was. Dad was probably sleeping. It was nighttime and his aura felt like he was asleep….though Sho was not going to sit there and feel his aura for any length of time. No, he didn't want to be around dad at all for any length of time.
Maybe he should have still stayed away.
Maybe that would have been best. Nobody had been asking after him. Big sis had called once but not again after that. Maybe he should have just stayed away forever and let everyone just be there without him. Maybe he should have just let dad be without him. Dad didn't love him, like him, or want him. He just…had him. He had Sho because he had to have a boy and that was the end of it. Sho….he knew that big sis wanted him. She wanted him there and…and maybe she just hadn't called because she had been busy doing big sis stuff. Maybe she had been too busy hanging out with everyone….not Shimazaki. She must have been too busy hanging out with Hatori because she loved him and stuff…
And he could understand that.
"You know you don't have to go inside right now. I didn't tell your dad that we were coming since it's past the time when he can stand being disturbed….so you can just crash with me. I've probably got a very comfortable couch at my new place." Said Fukuda. He sounded hopeful there….and normally Sho would have been up for a sleepover. Normally he would have jumped at the chance but now…well they had been on a sleepover for weeks now. Sho loved Fukuda, he really did, but he really just wanted to be back in his own space….well space with his sister…right now. They could have sleepovers later. Much later.
"No thanks. I'd rather sleep in a bed." Said Sho. He wanted to sleep in a room with his sister. He was tired of going to bed on his own in a room that was not his. This room….it was not his either…but at least it had the stuff that he hadn't taken with him when he split off. His toys and some of his art stuff and his Zootopia bedding and his clothes…he was getting kind of sick of these...it was more his room, the room in that house, than Fukuda's new living room would be.
"You know I probably won't get much sleep done anyway. Most of my stuff is probably still all boxed up….and I could use some help getting everything unpacked and put away." said Fukuda. Sho knew that Fukuda was asking him if he wanted to help. He knew that the polite thing to do would have been to help…but he didn't want to. He wanted to just lay down in his Zootopia bed and just…sleep. That was all he wanted. He wanted to lay down in a room with his big sis and just sleep and wait for tomorrow to happen. Then he could help Fukuda out…even though he wanted to see Shimazaki again….
Maybe it was better that he helped Fukuda out.
He could feel Shimazaki's aura. He could feel him and…and he was awake. He was awake and he was right next door and Sho so easily could have gone over and visited…but he didn't. That would have been….that would have been the best thing ever. He could have pulled his aura in real close so it was quiet and then he could have jumped out and scared Shimazaki and then he would have been all 'what the fuck' and Sho could have been all 'got you' and then they could have listened to some of Shimazaki music and make a pudding cup pyramid or thought up funny stuff to do to Hatori or just….been together.
The thought of being with Shimazaki makes the goldfish in his stomach come to life….and that's why he's probably going to spend tomorrow helping Fukuda unpack his stuff…and stuff.
"I'll help you tomorrow, maybe. I just want to sleep in my own bed now. Goodnight. Thanks for hanging out with me." Said Sho. He gave Fukuda a side hug and walked up the path to the house. Not his house, no, just the house. The house that he was going to be staying in until they moved again. They moved so much….but that didn't matter. All that mattered was getting back inside of the house where his family…where his sister was. His sister. His sister was there, inside of that house and….
And he missed her more than anything.
She had been an only child before he had been born. She was used to being alone….well she had been….but then he had been born. Had he been missed? She had called him…but then she hadn't called him….but he hadn't called either…so they were even. He hadn't called but he had still wanted to….but he was not a baby….and she hadn't called because….because she knew that he was not a baby. He was almost ten and a half. He was too old to be sitting up at night missing his big sister….and stuff….so….yeah…she still wanted him around…and stuff…
She must have.
Her aura pressed down on his as he got closer to the door. He had forgotten what it was like to be near her. She had the biggest aura of anyone he had ever seen….anyone but dad. Dad's aura…he was avoiding dad's aura. He didn't want anything to do with dad or his aura and he knew that dad felt the same way. That was fine. He didn't care. He didn't need dad. He didn't need dad to care that he had been gone for weeks and weeks. He didn't need dad to tell him that he'd missed him. He didn't need dad to have even missed him at all. He didn't need dad and dad…..dad didn't need him….
So it was fine.
He didn't need anyone. He was not a baby and he could take care of himself….and he had been taking care of himself….and he wanted….he didn't need big sis to take care of him, he just wanted to be near her. Sine he wanted to be near her then he should have just opened the door. He could feel Fukuda looking at him. He could feel Fukuda's eyes on his back and his aura focusing on him…and he needed to open the door. It wouldn't have been locked, they never locked the door since no one in the world would try to rob their family…and he could have gone in at any time…
But he needed a minute.
He needed a minute to get used to this. The smell of this country, the warmth of the air, and the feel of big sis's aura…and dad's. He just needed a minute to open the door and step through and…and be back. He was that Sho again, the one that existed when he was with his family…and he didn't know the difference between this Sho and the Sho he had been when he had been away…but there was one. Maybe it was because this Sho had more secrets. Maybe it was because this Sho was…..this Sho had too many secrets to keep. He wanted to throw the door open and run through the house until he found big sis and then he wanted to shake her awake and tell her his secrets, all of them.
He wanted to tell her about how baby sis was so big now that she could walk and talk and eat her meals off of a plate and with a fork…even though most of it got on her….
He wanted to tell her about how he had seen Emmy and how….how he never got that goldfish feeling when he was with her…but she had it for him…and now he had no idea what to do besides make her happy until she either got tired of him or married him…and he had no idea which he even wanted….
He wanted to tell her about the boy he had met in the rocket ship jungle gym, the esper who looked just like her, and he wanted to tell her that he had betrayed Claw by not only not telling anyone about the other esper boy but also telling him about Claw and how he had to stay away….
He wanted to tell her about how he had held hands with that esper boy and he still got all warm and swimmy when he thought about it…about how he had put his hand over his…about how they had been so close….about how they had been close enough to kiss…even….
He wanted to tell her about his first kiss, the first one that he had enjoyed, about how it had been so perfect….until it wasn't…because he had enjoyed it when he knew that he wasn't supposed to….and how he thought about it all the time…about how good it felt….and about how he wanted to do it again…..
He wanted to tell her about how he wanted nothing more than to kiss Shimazaki….for Shimazaki to just lean in and kiss him like he did to Minegishi…about how he wanted to hold his hand and kiss him and be near him all the time….about how he had felt like this for so long and it was getting worse and he wanted it to get better but he also didn't….about how he was pretty sure that this was what love felt like but he was also pretty sure that this was not what love felt like because he was not supposed to have fallen in love with another guy…..but he had….
And he wanted to tell her that he was sorry for having kept all of these secrets from her.
He wanted to tell her all of that but he knew that he couldn't. Nothing good, nothing at all good, would come of telling her all of his secrets. She would be hurt. She would be hurt that he had kept all of that from her. She would be hurt that he had kept their own pretend baby sister from her…that he had been able to visit her….and that he had been her first word. She would have been mad at him for betraying Claw because betraying Claw was betraying dad and she had been dad's favorite kid for her whole life….and most of all he wanted to tell her that he was pretty sure that he didn't like girls at all and that he knew that there was something wrong with him and that he had kissed a boy and it had been the greatest moment of his life and now he wanted to kiss almost every boy he met….and she would still love him…but she would be upset that he had kept something so big from her…
So he knew not to tell her his secrets.
He had no idea what he was going to tell her but he knew that his secrets were not on that list. He probably would have started with 'hi' and he should have started with 'hi' but he didn't get a chance to start with 'hi' or with anything at all. Her aura go closer and the door was thrown open and then her arms were thrown around him…and she was taller than him….
And also she was hugging him.
He hugged her back…even though he was not a baby and he didn't need hugs…but he would do this for her because he was a good little brother. Also he may have been a little bit chilly…that was all…so he needed a hug to keep him warm…..and also she might have been chilly too because she was just in her night shirt….so he hugged her back…..
And it was nice.
This was nice. Being there all wrapped up in her arms…being in her aura…seeing her. Seeing her again for the first time in forever, it felt like. She had gotten taller than him. They had always been around the same height. This wasn't fair. She could not have grown so much…but he would be pissed off about this later. Right now he had a sister to hug….and that was what he was doing. He hugged her and she hugged him and they hugged for way too long. They hugged for so long that he had felt Fukuda go into his house. They had hugged for so long that a bug had flown into their porchlight and gotten stuck. They had hugged for so long that a cloud had gone in front of the moon. Sho didn't care. They could have hugged until they got old and died for all he cared….
Because it would have made her happy….and him too.
He was not a baby. Babies needed hugs and…and babies got sad when they didn't have their big sisters around to tuck them in or read in the same room as them when they were trying to fall asleep or….or make their cereal just right. Fukuda put the milk on first like some kind of crazy person. Big sis…she knew how to make his cereal…and she knew how to make his other foods…and she knew how to make his bed…and she knew how to run his baths….and she knew how to run around and play with him….and she knew how to hug him…and she knew how to be with him…to make him happy….
And he had missed her more than anything else in the whole world.
"Sho….Sho….little brother. I missed you so much….thank you." Said big sis as she hugged him. She pulled him even tighter when she said that. She smelled bad, like she had been playing with a skunk or something, but he didn't say anything. She just smelled bad sometimes and now was not the time to bring attention to it. No, that would ruin it. Besides, he didn't smell too good himself. Emmy had shown him how to eat kippers early that day…and they were really good….so, yeah, he didn't smell the best either….
Who cared?
"I missed you too…and what are you thanking me for? You didn't even open the present I got you." Said Sho
"I'm thanking you for coming home….and also you didn't have to get me anything. Just being able to be with you again is enough for me." Said big sis
"You're…you're welcome. Big sis…can we….can we go to bed? I'm tired." Said Sho. She had something so nice….the nicest thing that anyone had ever said to him…and she meant it. If she knew about all the secrets that he was keeping then…then she would have known that she should not have said that to him. She should have told him that he was a terrible little brother and that he needed to fuck off….because he deserved that for being a secret keeper….
He just wanted to go to bed.
Her hug got all slack like she was tired….she must have wanted to go to bed too. She must have been tired…and she had not just suddenly figured out that he had been keeping secrets from her. She had not figured it out and she was not going to run back into the house and tell him that he had to live with Fukuda now. She was not going to go to sleep and then he would go to sleep and then he would get up in the morning and she would be gone without even so much as a note…..or a text….or whatever….
That was not going to happen.
She let go of him and her aura got all close…and she held her hair down with her hands. She held her hair down and looked down at her feet. He looked down at them too. She had painted her toenails…and also she wasn't wearing shoes. This house had no genkan, American people wore their shoes inside for some reason, but she still should not have been standing right there so close to the outside with no shoes on….because that was gross….but she had been so excited to see him that she had just….forgotten to put her shoes on…
And now she had let him go.
So he let her go. She was still looking down at her feet…or maybe she was looking down at his feet. He had doodled on his shoes in the way in. Mostly just lines and patterns and stuff. There was a hamster on one of them and a dragon on the other. He had drawn Shimazaki's dragon, the one on his back, without even realizing it….because he had been thinking of Shimazaki then…and Sho didn't know what she would have been the maddest about. Him betraying her by keeping baby sis a secret, him betraying Claw by keeping the esper kid a secret and warning him to stay away, him liking boys instead of girls….maybe, him having had kissed a boy and liked it, or him having been in love or whatever with Shimazaki for maybe years and years and he just hadn't realized it….and she had been in love with Shimazaki before too….
He wanted her to just get on with it. With being upset at him.
"Sho?" asked big sis. Sho braced himself for her to tell him off…even though she had never told him off before even when he had been hitting her all the time like an asshole. There was a first time for everything though….and maybe this would be the first time in her life that big sis told him…or anyone….off.
"Yeah, what's up?" asked Sho. He closed his eyes and waited. There was a first time for everything and this would be the first time that big sis told him off. This would be the first time that she had ever gotten mad at him in the real way. This was it. This would be the first time….
"You don't have a bed." Said big sis. She said it fast and she hadn't looked at him when she said that….but he had still heard her….and what she had just said didn't make sense. Of course he had a bed. Where was he supposed to sleep? On the floor? On the roof? In the bathtub? A tent in the backyard? He was a part of this family so of course he had a bed!
…..right?
"What are you talking about, big sis? Where am I supposed to sleep if I don't have a bed? You're messing with me, right?" asked Sho. She had never messed with him before…but also she had never been this tall before. There was a first time for everything….right? So that meant that there was a first time for his big sis to mess with him. For her to take the piss, like Emmy would have said if she had been there and not back in England.
"Sho…..we didn't think that you would be back so soon." Said big sis. She wanted him to think that…well of course she did. This must have been the truth. She really hadn't expected him to be back so soon….but it hadn't been soon at all!
"Soon? I've been gone for weeks!" said Sho. What, did he need to pull up his calendar? Weeks. He had been gone for weeks and now he was back and she called this soon?! He needed….he needed to calm down. He was starting to get jerk thoughts and nothing good had ever come of him having jerk thoughts. He needed to calm down and shut up and just….not ruin this. Not ruin being back.
"I know but….well we didn't know if you would be staying here with us…so there's just one bed." Said big sis. Sho didn't know if she had been planning on saying anymore. He didn't give her the chance to say anymore. He had to see. She was kidding. She must have been kidding. Of course he had a bed. Of course dad had expected him back. Fukuda hadn't warned dad but….but dad must have known that Sho would have been coming back soon, right? It had been weeks and weeks and weeks…
He had to see for himself.
These houses were always small and always had only two bedrooms. Theirs was always the first bedroom and dad's was always in the back. It was easy to find their bedroom and easy to open the door and easy to see what was inside….and what was inside was not easy to look at. So at first he doesn't. At first he just focuses on the boxes with his name written on them stacked in the corner. He focuses on how one of the boxes is opened, the one with his clothes, and how the dresses is at least big enough for two. He focuses on how her stupid dollhouse and doll mall and doll cars and dolls….all of her dolls are in the space where his bed should be. He focuses on the feeling that he has inside of himself, the feeling that he wants to smash those dolls and stuff, and he focuses on closing his eyes and counting until the feeling goes away. As he focuses on his counting, as he focuses on keeping his eyes closed, her aura comes into focus. The feel of it. It's big and heavy and THERE and now she's there and he can heard her breathing and feel her just standing there…and he focuses on counting and keeping his eyes closed until it's safe to stop.
That takes a minute.
He opens his eyes when it's safe to do so and just….focuses on her. She hadn't gotten him a bed…because she hadn't been expecting him to come back…and now…now he knows that he's getting close to thinking jerk thoughts. She had missed him. She didn't know how to tell lies so he knew that she had been telling the truth…but she still hadn't thought to get him a bed….and she had only called him once….and she had…
He had done a lot worse.
"Where am I supposed to sleep?" asked Sho. There. He had no yelled or screamed or cursed. He knew that his aura had been loud. He knew that his aura had been bright. He knew that dad must have noticed his aura even if he had been asleep. Dad didn't care. He didn't care enough about Sho to come in and see what was wrong and he didn't care enough about him to get him a bed for when he came back, too. He didn't know why he had expected anything else from dad.
But he had expected more from big sis.
She had always been the one to take care of him. That was why dad had promoted her to mom rank in their family. She had all the power of a mom without being a mom…and she should have used that power to get him a bed….but he could not be mad at her. Not with the secrets that he had been keeping. No, he was just….tired. That was all. He was so tired that he let his backpack slide off of his shoulders and hit the floor. He knew that dad must have heard that too….and that he hated to be bothered at night….
Sho didn't care.
"Tomorrow I'll have them bring you a bed, ok? First thing in the morning. Before I brush my teeth even…but for right now you can have my bed. See? I was just in it so at least it's nice and warm for you. You can take my Frozen stuff off and unpack your Zootopia stuff…or I can do it for you. Ok? Does that sound good? Please say that it sounds good because I don't want us to fight. I haven't seen you in so long and I just want things to be ok between us. I would ask for a bed for you right now but it's in the middle of the night….ok? Please say that this is ok." Said big sis. Sho looked over at her bed. Her Frozen blanket and sheets and pillows and dolls and stuffed Olafs were on it. Also she had been reading one of her girl mangas in it too. The cover had people kissing. He didn't want to sleep in her bed all alone…and also he was not going to be such a jerk as to make her sleep on the floor or on the couch or the roof or something.
Or with dad.
He didn't want to sleep on his own…and he didn't want her to go off and sleep with dad either. She always did that…and he didn't know why he cared. Dad had never once asked Sho to sleep in the bed with him….and Sho didn't care. Dad was probably a bed hog or whatever. He was probably as much of a jerk asleep as he was awake…and Sho did not want to deal with that. Sho wanted….he wanted….
He didn't want to sleep alone anymore.
"You can have it too." Said Sho. He pointed to the bed just in case she didn't know what he meant. She looked at the bed, and then at him, and then at the bed again…and then for a moment he thought that maybe she had gotten even more clueless than normal since he had been gone and she really had no clue what he meant…and then he got mad at himself for thinking jerk thoughts like that about his own big sister.
"But….but we're too big." Said big sis. Sho could see that. He had eyes and he knew that they didn't both fit in the same bed anymore…but he still wanted to be next to her. He had been sleeping in a room by himself for weeks now…and he wanted a break. He had been taking a break from sleeping in the room with her and now he needed a break from his break…even though only babies needed someone to stay in the room with them when they were trying to fall asleep. Like baby sis….she needed someone to rock her back and forth in her rocking chair…and Sho had been that person. He had rocked her back and forth in her rocking chair and sang to her and told her stories until she fell asleep…
And big sis would never know what that was like.
"I don't give a damn. There are two of us and only one bed and we're brother and sister so it won't be weird. Ok? Do you want to sleep next to me or not?" asked Sho. That came out mean and he knew that he should have been less of a jerk….but it was late at night and he had been on a plane for a long time and there was a lot of stuff going on in his head….
He did not want to fight with her right now.
"I would like that a lot…but please don't curse." Said big sis. Sho wanted to tell her that he could say whatever the hell he wanted to…but he didn't. He just changed into some pajamas, she had gotten him new Zootopia ones, climbed into bed next to her, and tried to go to sleep. He didn't want to fight with her. He didn't want there to be any bad feelings between them….because he had enough bad feelings inside of him. He had so many secrets inside of him and they were so….so big….but he had to keep them. He had to keep his secrets inside of himself and he had to be a good little brother and he had to be nice…and he had to go to sleep.
He was back but not back. He was home but not home. He needed to sleep….but he also couldn't sleep.
But he would try his best.