After showering and getting into a t-shirt and cammo pants, Catherine lies down to try to get some rest, a whirlwind of emotions coursing through her. She's finding it hard to keep them under check, as is the case when she's in such close proximity to Steve, ever since Montana. She doesn't know how to react around him anymore, as any "normal" between them, as friends, has been blurred by recent events. Some of his reactions, of late, have been puzzling, further complicating their story, especially since he is not a free man, she thinks. And Steve is nothing if not a decent, honourable man.
While distracted by her thoughts, Catherine hears her mobile phone ping. She frowns lightly, wondering who could be trying to contact her on her personal phone, in the middle of nowhere, at this time of night. She huffs discontentedly, closing her eyes in annoyance, and turns her head away from the phone, as if trying to ignore the contact. A few seconds later, a second ping sparks her curiosity and she turns on her side, reaching for the phone and unlocking it. Her heart skips a beat when she realises the messages are coming from 10 yards away.
Sorry I made you cry.
Wasn't my intention.
11.23 pm
It actually makes my heart ache,
when you do.
11.24 pm
I know.
Don't worry about it.
11.25m
I DO worry about it.
I never want to make you cry.
11.26 pm
We hardly see each other anymore,
so not much chance of that… ;-)
11.28 pm
About that…
11.31 pm
Yeah?
11.32 pm
Tell me, what's the big pull,
with the 'Cocaine Import Agency'?
11.34 pm
Hahaha, where did you learn that one from,
Danny, as well?
11.35 pm
What if I did?
11.36 pm
Always Mr. Sarcastic…
11.37 pm
So…?
11.37 pm
They do a very, very important job, Steve.
If only people knew…
11.39 pm
I know. I know you do.
But… don't you think
you've contributed plenty?
11.41 pm
What are you talking about?
It's my job, and I really like my job.
11.43 pm
OK. Let me put this another way.
You ever think of stopping?
Leaving?
11.45 pm
Not something I usually think about.
This job… it's just about broken me in. ;-)
11.46 pm
It's a very dangerous job, Cath…
11.48 pm
I am aware of that, believe me.
I take precautions.
11.50 pm
Cath, come on, it's ME you're talking to,
not your parents!
I know very well that,
no matter how much care you take,
the nature of the job is inherently bad.
Just consider where we were, today!
11.53 pm
I guess, after a while doing it,
you become desensitized to those thoughts.
You have to, to be able to function,
otherwise you freeze mid-op and you're dead.
11.55 pm
Yeah, see, that's exactly the mental image
I try real hard to erase from my mind,
when I think of you.
11.57 pm
Aww… does that happen often?
11.58 pm
Much more than you think, Cath.
12.05 am
What is that? The thinking about me,
or the erasing of my image from your mind? ;-) ;-) ;-)
12.07 am
Mostly the first.
I tried the second,
time and again,
but didn't meet with much success.
You're ingrained there.
12.09 am
Sorry about that…
I'll try to stop popping up in your thoughts. :-)
12.17 am
Don't bother.
I've been trying harder and longer,
and haven't managed to.
But you never answered my question.
12.23 am
No I didn't, did I?
You know how people say that everything has a price?
That anything can be bought and sold, for the right price?
12.25 am
Yeah…
not sure I agree with that statement,
though.
12.26 am
Not 100%, of course, no,
but a fair percentage, yes.
12.28 am
So… all you have to do
is find out your own price?
12.29 am
Well, I wouldn't put it that way…
12.30 am
No, but you get my drift.
12.31 am
I myself don't know what it would take.
Maybe one day I'll wake up
and realise that I'm done with the CIA.
That it no longer makes sense, for me.
12.33 am
But… you're still a long way away from it,
is that what you're saying?
12.37 pm
I don't know…
you know how, in life, situations change?
12.39 am
Yeah. How much would your life
have to change
for you to decide to leave?
12.42 am
Quite a lot, I guess. Or, not that much at all. :-)
12.45 am
What do you mean?
12.45 am
It would depend on the offer.
12.47 am
Is that so?
12.48 am
Of another job, I mean…
if I were looking for one.
12.50 am
Right, of course.
12.52 am
You do realise we're lying 10 yards away from each other
and could be talking face to face?
12.56 am
What are you suggesting?
12.58 am
Nothing. I'm suggesting nothing.
I'm just saying we could save a lot
of satellite time and have this conversation
face to face, some other time.
I'm really tired.
1.00 am
Catherine stares at her screen, suddenly aware that this conversation has veered onto strange paths. After a few seconds of no further reply, she starts to fear that she won't hear from Steve anymore tonight. It's not as though she knows what's going through his mind, lately. Suddenly, a gentle knock at the door startles her, and realization hits. He's right outside her door. If she opens it, she'll be crossing a threshold she's been working really hard at maintaining, and that she's not sure she'll be able to come back from. It may forever ruin her relationship with this man, but she also knows that she isn't physically capable of leaving him on the other side. Catherine gets up from the metal bed, feeling nervous, sighs deeply and opens the door, shielding her body from onlookers with it, motioning for him to enter. She tries to keep a neutral face and hopes this may go down as a mere nighttime conversation between two friends who haven't seen each other in a while. However, a single look at the man in front of her tells her that Steve wants to continue the conversation they were having over the phone. She sighs again and goes back to bed, sitting down and covering her waist with the blanket. Steve sits down too, across from Catherine, at the foot of the bed, and leans back on his elbow, smiling.
"So… where were we?"
"Quickly falling into the rabbit hole", Catherine says, laughing and eyeing Steve. She knows this is a dangerous game they're playing, but they're in the middle of an air base with thousands of other people around.
"You do realise we were in a bedroom, much like this one, together and alone, only two weeks ago?" Steve says, amused.
"And here I was, just thinking I was underdressed to welcome male company into my quarters… glad to know I'm in no danger," she says, feeling an immense relief from her own words. Maybe she's reading all of this wrong.
"You're in far more danger than you imagine, Catherine," and he's no longer smiling. His look is so intense, she suddenly feels naked, and like all the air has been sucked out of her lungs.
"Wow, you get right down to business, huh?" she says, now annoyed, getting up and moving to the window. Steve stays put.
"Well, you know what they say, there's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm," Steve says, smiling, going from serious to playful again.
Catherine looks away from the window, directly at him, and the air suddenly becomes charged with electricity, sexual tension building up between them. She doesn't even bother calling him out on his cockiness, because they both know he's right. But she'll fight the inevitability of whatever is happening to the end, so she sits back down on the bed, covering her body with the sheet, unthreatened, defiant.
Steve continues to stare, slowly straightening his upper body. He moves forward slowly, dragging his legs across the bed until he's right in front of her and raises his hand, to pull a stray lock of hair behind her ear. Catherine closes her eyes, breath catching in her throat, and silently prays for him to stop, startled by the shooting fire that travels from her abdomen to her chest area and explodes there. They're playing a dangerous game, and she knows it, emotions magnified by the tension. But here, outside their normal, deterring element, in dangerous, unknown circumstances, where they may die the next day… somehow normal rules don't apply. Survival is all that's been on their minds, all day, and suddenly, another basic human instinct takes charge. They may have lacked communication skills throughout their relationship, but not sexual chemistry, and her body still has its muscle memory intact.
Suddenly, she feels his face nearing hers, heat radiating from his breath, and his lips grazing her cheek. This is the best and worst possible feeling, all rolled into one. Steve then starts to slowly move in the direction of her lips, but Catherine opens her eyes and mumbles a "don't" without too much emphasis, looking straight at him, pleading. Steve complies with her request and simply moves to sit behind her, holding her around the waist. He reaches an arm to the makeshift nightstand, to turn off the light, and scoots down on the bed, taking Catherine with him. He doesn't utter a single word, but instead pulls the covers up over their shoulders and spoons his body behind hers on the narrow bed, right arm still on her waist. Catherine sighs, defeated, afraid that if she decides to talk, then all will be lost. She tries to find a comfortable position without nestling into him, too nervous to even breathe properly, and hugs the covers with all her strength.
They stay like that for a long while, breathing evening out, feeling each other's warmth and comfort. Catherine wonders how is it possible that she went for so long without feeling this man's embrace, and shivers at the thought of having to let him go; Steve revels in the familiar feeling of happiness when holding the right woman. Both feel at peace, and happy in their temporary, individual bubble, an unfamiliar feeling they haven't experienced in a long while, in the middle of a war zone, thousands of miles from either home. Not wanting to disrupt the silent, unsteady balance that's just been reached, Catherine decides to try and get some rest and, surprisingly, falls asleep in Steve's arms in no time.
An hour later, she jerks awake, momentarily unaware of her whereabouts. Despite the faint moonlight coming in through the window, the room is enveloped in darkness, and Catherine feels comforted by it. After all, sometimes it's better to stay in the dark, where there may be fear, but also hope. She can feel a warm body molded next to hers, holding her tight by the waist, and can't help but smile, thinking how comforting and homely Steve's sleeping embrace has always felt and still does, even after all these years of separation. She closes her eyes and breathes deeply, aware that they can't sleep in the same room until morning; it would raise too many questions, should he be caught leaving her quarters in his sleep clothes, and the gossip mill within the Agency would go crazy. She simply can't risk it and she knows it, so he needs to go soon. Catherine closes her eyes again, still smiling and feels Steve move behind her.
"Awake, Lieutenant?" he asks, voice low and rough.
Sighing, Catherine opens her eyes and turns to face Steve. She wants to kiss him so badly, she can taste it, and her panic is real. "You need to go." Her voice sounds so final, it startles even her. But this is the best way not to fall into temptation.
He's surprised and doesn't hide it. "Cath? What is it?"
"What is it?" Her voice rises in pitch, and now she's annoyed. "You can't be serious, right now. You will not do this to me."
He doesn't understand her reaction, so he tries to reason with her. "Look, I know this is not the time or place for this, but..."
"What are you talking about, Steve?" And now, she's really annoyed, like there would ever be a time and a place! "Look, we're here for a reason, so let's get our minds on the mission, OK? And since I can't have any rumours going around regarding the two of us, because I'll eventually have to return, you need to make sure there's no one in the hall. Now go."
As she says it, she turns again, back to him, and covers herself with the entire blanket, praying he doesn't ask anything else, feeling miserable to her core. But she won't shed a tear until he's gone.
"This conversation is not over, Catherine," and his voice is commanding, hurt. "I would hope that you can, at least, tell me what's going on. But I'll respect your request, for now. Don't make the mistake of thinking that I don't know you."
"Oh, that's precious!" she huffs, getting up and heading for the door, aware of the irony. "You know nothing about me or my life, these days, Lieutenant Commander. Now, please, leave. Just go," and she opens the door, worry about possible onlookers forgotten. Temporary insanity is what she'll ascribe her attitude to, in the morning.
Dumbfounded, Steve goes back to his room to try and get some sleep. He racks his brain for possible reasons that may explain Catherine's odd behaviour, but can't find any. All he knows is that, suddenly, one of the truths he's been running from, all his adult life, is staring him right in the face. And he's tired of running. Now may be his last chance. And he'll be damned if he'll let it pass him by without so much as a grab.