Fukuda never slept in.
He had too much to do. He wasn't just a healer, no, he had an insane number of administrative duties to see to as well. There was a surprising amount of paper pushing that went into taking over the world and Fukuda was the only man Suzuki trusted with all of that paper. He never slept in but he did take his sleep when he could get it. Seven a.m. did not count as sleeping in, no, not for normal people. It did for Suzuki, sometimes Fukuda thought that he got up before the sun just to feel superior to it, but not for Fukuda. No, seven in the morning was a normal time to be asleep when he didn't have anything time sensitive to do.
"You betrayed me!"
He should have been asleep. In fact he had been asleep. He had been fast asleep when the sound of a very angry voice, and the feel of a very angry aura, woke him up. His eyes burst open and he bumped his head on the headboard as he got up to see….Sho. Sho standing beside his bed, his face red and streaked with tears, his aura flaring, and his hands balled into fists. Fukuda…he was at a loss. He had no idea what had brought this on but he knew that it didn't matter. Reasons didn't matter, it was the aftermath that mattered, and the aftermath of whatever happened to Sho….it had led to him stifling back tears….and Fukuda hated to see him cry…
There was very little worse in this world than Sho crying.
"Sho? What's going on?" asked Fukuda as he got out of bed. He could see Sho's aura flare and then it turned inwards. A barrier. He was putting up a barrier…and he only did that when he had been VERY hurt. Physically. Fukuda climbed out of bed and knelt down in front of Sho. He was taller now, they could be eye to eye like this now, but Sho did not want to be eye to eye. He motioned like…like he was going to hit Fukuda…but then he stopped himself.
He took both hands and put them behind his back.
Fukuda got as close as he could before Sho's barrier stopped him. He could pull his barrier in very close these days…and he knew just who had taught him that. Sho was crying but he didn't have a scratch on him…Fukuda thought back to what he had shouted. Sho….did he know? The thought is terrifying. Yes, he did, in a way, betray Sho…but it was for his own good. Telling Shimazaki about how he felt…and telling Shimazaki to leave him alone. He knew how Shimazaki was, exactly why he had gotten kicked out of the yakuza, and he knew that Sho was coming up on the lower limits of what Shimazaki considered to be an acceptable age for….all of that….
And Sho did not need that in his life.
Not just for the fact that Suzuki might have gotten angry enough with his Son to accidentally kill him…and the fact that Suzuki would purposely kill Shimazaki if he so much as laid a finger on his Son. Shigeko…..Fukuda had no idea what he had going on with Shigeko but he did know that if Suzuki knew about it, whatever 'it' was, then Shimazaki would have been a dead man long ago. He keeps his mouth shut about that, no need to make an enemy out of Suzuki's favorite child, but if it came to Sho…he would not be able to keep his mouth shut. Sho did not need that in his life, he did not need someone taking advantage of him like that, and he just…Fukuda had told his secret but it was for a good reason and he hoped that Sho could be understanding….as understanding as he could be. He didn't look very understanding right now at all. He looked like he was ready to kill Fukuda. Like he wanted to kill him and…and that was understandable…..
Though Shimazaki could have been so blind as not to notice Sho's obvious crush on him was beyond Fukuda.
But he had told…he had told Shimazaki…and it had not been his secret to tell….but that didn't matter. He had done what he'd had to do. Masami would not have wanted her Son to end up with a man in thirties who had done things that made even Fukuda's skin crawl…and he had been an accomplice to A LOT over the years. His hands were dirty but Shimazaki's…there was no washing that off. Sho did not need that and, yes, Fukuda had betrayed him but it had been for his own good. That was the thing about kids, the thing that he hated, sometimes you had to hurt them for their own good.
Sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind.
And sometimes you had to be kind to be kind. He would put up with whatever Sho threw at him. He would listen to whatever harsh words he came up with, deal with whatever blows Sho felt like dealing, and then after that they would have a couple bowls of that all marshmallow cereal Sho liked so much and they'd make up and then things would go back to something close to normal….or whatever passed for close to normal around here. Sho…he would be angry for a while but when he grew up, or at least got older, he would be able to see that the things Fukuda did, all the things he did, were for him. Were in his best interests.
Fukuda only had his best interests at heart.
"Sho, come on. Talk to me." Said Fukuda. Sho's barrier was still up. He pressed a hand to it…and pulled back. Suzuki's barriers were like solid walls. Impenetrable. Sho's barrier….it hurt. There had been some give to it and when he pushed he got something close to an electrical burn, it felt just like that, in the process. He pulled his hand away and watched the skin on it grow back quickly. Cosmetic damage. Nothing serious. Sho was just lashing out as he tended to do…and that was fine. Fukuda had deserved it.
"You betrayed me. Can't you hear!? I told you already that you betrayed me!" shouted Sho. Fukuda sighed. Sho would see this as a betrayal for a while, a long while, and picking the non-marshmallow pieces out of cereal was not going to help. Fukuda…he knew the pain of a broken heart all too well…and he knew that Sho, being as young as he was, had nothing to contextualize this pain. As far as he could see he liked someone, Fukuda had told that person that he had feelings for him, and then that person had finally, FINALLY, decided to reject him and had spilled the beans in the process….and Sho was having an understandable amount of trouble with all of this…
But it was for his own good.
Sho…he was who he was and he liked who he liked but he could not like that man. He could not have feelings for that man. If this had been a boy his own age then Fukuda would have kept his mouth shut. Hell, he had kept his mouth shut long beyond the point at which he should have said something. If this had been a normal situation, if Sho had been a normal kid with a crush on a man three times his age, then Fukuda would have told Suzuki a while ago. He would have told Suzuki that he needed to keep Sho away from Shimazaki. The man was a terrible influence, had done terrible things, and Sho did not need to be the next in a long string of people that man had done terrible things to. Suzuki, of course, was not normal and of course would not have taken the fact that Sho was…whatever he was…well. Then he would have beaten Sho half to death, probably, and then saved the rest of his strength to beat Shimazaki to death….and that was why Fukuda had kept his mouth shut. Hell, he had even covered for Sho to a degree. He'd told Suzuki about his little girlfriend because, after forty four years on this Earth, he had finally figured out how to see the obvious.
So, really, Fukuda had done more than most people would have done in this situation.
"Sho….I didn't mean to. I said…I said the things I said for your own good. I was only thinking about you." Said Fukuda. His words seemed to mean nothing to Sho. His aura slammed into Fukuda. Hard. Hard enough that he felt his teeth smacking together and he saw stars. He knew that he should have gotten up, put some distance between himself and the angry little esper in front of him, but he didn't. He loved Sho like a Son, like you were actually supposed to love your child, and when you loved your child then you were there for him for both the good and the bad.
"You told…you told on me. I can't believe you told on me!" said Sho. He sounded so young there…and he was so young. He was so young and all of this…it was hard. This would have been hard on a grown man and, of course, it was hard on a ten year old boy. Not only the heartbreak, and Fukuda knew a thing or two about heartbreak, but also…Sho coming to terms with what he was. He was something, it had been obvious since he had been a little boy in preschool. Back then there had been a boy in his class, Fukuda forgot the name of him, but Sho had gone on and on and on about how he was the coolest person that he'd ever met. How this kid was the best at climbed and could swing really high and wasn't afraid of the fire alarm and all of those things that had been important to a little boy his age. He and Masami, of course, had just listened in amusement. No need to embarrass him, he would figure it out on his own, they'd thought…
And he had.
He had figured himself out….and it was at the worst possible time in his life. If he had figured himself out as a grown man, when he could have been strong enough to stand up to Suzuki, then it would have been different. But he was ten now. He was a ten year old boy at his father's mercy. Sho….he was what he was, he was who he was, and that was just how it was. If Masami had been there then she could have tempered Suzuki. If she had been there then she could have told him that he needed to come off it when it came to bloodlines and the glorious future. She would have told him that Sho was his son and that it was high time he acted like a father and accepted his son for who he was…
But she was not there and Fukuda…he could only do so much.
"Sho, I did what I had to do. I…sometimes I do things and they're for your own good. Sometimes…sometimes adults can see more of the big picture than kids can. I know that I hurt you, and I'm angry at myself for hurting you, but I had to do what I had to do for your own good. You can be angry at me, in fact it would have been strange if you hadn't been angry at me, and I won't stop you from being angry….ok? You can be as angry as you need to be right now." Said Fukuda. He deserved whatever Sho threw at him. He had betrayed Sho…and not just in the sense that he told Shimazaki that he had a crush on him. He had….Sho didn't need to know the full version of events that had led to his mother's leaving…but Fukuda's had a hand in it. He had hidden her, he had helped her escape, and he had….things that a ten year old boy did not need to know about. Fukuda took Sho's anger, let his barrier slam into him, because he deserved it. Masami….he knew that her life would have been worse, so much worse, if she had stayed….but in leaving Sho…in leaving him without a mother…his life had gotten so much worse…and Fukuda couldn't help but feel partially responsible for that….
So he let Sho lash out at him.
"Why! What did you have to go and tell on me for!? Why couldn't you just keep a secret? I keep all of yours!" shouted Sho. Fukuda ended up flat on his back with that one. Sho….he was a powerful esper in his own right…and Fukuda couldn't even put up a barrier….but this was fine. He could heal. He had healed through so many of Suzuki's explosions, and the one from Shigeko, so he could live through this. Even though on his way down he had hit his head on the bedframe…and he was a little dizzy…but that was to be expected when one hit their head that hard. It wasn't a problem. He could heal.
But Sho couldn't.
He didn't know…well he did know. He knew that even if he spent the next hundred years picking the non-marshmallow pieces out of that sugary leprechaun cereal that Sho loved it would not begin to make up for what he had done. Sho…he was a good boy….and he didn't deserve this pain…but it was a necessary pain. He did not need to be involved with men as old as Shimazaki. He didn't need to take up drinking and smoking and drugs and whatever else Shigeko got up to with that man. Fukuda…he never wanted to see that again. That day when he had opened the door to Suzuki's office to find Shigeko sitting there at her desk letting Shimazaki play with her hair…and the two of them drinking and smoking together…the thought of seeing Sho like that…
He never wants to see Sho like that.
Shigeko…Fukuda had made a lot of mistakes when it came to Shigeko. He hadn't done enough to keep her from Suzuki's influence and he knew that Masami would never, ever, EVER forgive him for that. He knew that he should have done more for her….but the past was in the past. What was done, was done, and unless Fukuda had an undo button for life he could not fix it…but he could keep Sho from going down the same path his sister was on. He could at least do right by one of Masami's children. He could at least do something right with this miserable life of his.
He had to do the right thing.
"Sho….we keep each other's secrets-" said Fukuda. He tried to get back up but ended up on his back again. This time he hit the nightstand. His phone fell off and hit the ground….charger port down…but he didn't care. Getting a new phone charger was the least of his problems. Sho…he just needed to get Sho to see it his way. He needed to contextualize all of this for a ten year old without going into the whole 'your best friend slept with a lot of teenage girls and that was the last straw that led him to getting kicked out of a den of lowlife degenerates and that's why he's in Claw' because a ten year old did not need to know about that…even though Shimazaki was such a degenerate that even the yakuza had gotten disgusted by his behavior….
He needed to figure out how he was going to tell a ten year old that he had betrayed him for his own good.
Sho….he was hard to talk to sometimes. Not in the way that his father was hard to talk to, though there was no talking to Suzuki unless you knew the right words, Sho was just…he had trouble listening. He could be very hard headed sometimes. He could be very stubborn and hard headed in the way that his father…sometimes he could be worse than Suzuki. Suzuki at least listened to logical arguments and deferred to people who knew better on a subject than he did…and he had always been like that…but Sho…he let his emotions rule him in ways that Suzuki never could have afforded to…and that made this whole things all the more tricky….
But he would do this for Sho.
"No. I've been keeping your secrets. I didn't tell dad about you taking me all around Seasoning City to show me things from when you guys were kids…and I don't tell dad about how you take me to see baby sis…and I don't tell him about how you still try and send emails to mom even though she was his wife and not yours and he'd throw you in a traitor hole for that….and I kept your secrets! So why couldn't you keep mine!" said Sho. Fukuda….he was not going to tell Sho that if he told Suzuki about all of that then Sho would go down too….because he was only ten years old. He was only ten and….and he didn't know what he was saying…and he was hurt. He was very hut and…and in ways that Fukuda could not imagine. He wasn't gay, he had never even thought about another man like that, but Sho was. Sho was and…and Fukuda knew that Sho needed to confess that to people on his own…and Fukuda had told Shimazaki…
But it was for his own good.
Fukuda got up. He got up and sat on his bed. Sho was still glaring at him. Sho was glaring and Fukuda let him. He was right, it had been a betrayal, and Fukuda deserved the anger that Sho directed at him. He deserved it and…and he needed to figure out…how to explain that he had done this for his own good. Sho…he was too young to know the truth….and if Sho ever found out the truth….Sho….he would not be able to handle it. Any of it. The truth about Fukuda…which would never be told to him until he was old enough to handle it….or the truth about his best friend. All of the truths about his best friend. Sho…he was young and…he could not handle that either…..there was just so much that he could not handle and…
And Fukuda had to make this into something that Sho could handle.
He patted the bed beside him. Sho looked at him, at the bed, and then at him. Fukuda patted it again…and Sho wiped his nose. He wiped his eyes and his nose and he took his barrier up and…and then he walked over to the bed. He walked over to the bed and sat at the very edge of the other side. He sat there and crossed his arms…he wasn't shouting or crying…and that was….progress….
And now Fukuda had to make progress.
"Sho…..I'm sorry. You do keep a lot of secrets, you've kept a lot of my secrets, and I should have kept yours better…and I am truly sorry for hurting you. This hurts me too, having had to hurt you, and I am truly sorry." said Fukuda. He folded his hands and looked over at Sho. His arms were still crossed and he was still glaring…and Fukuda knew that he had earned that glare. He had earned that glare and he had no right to tell Sho to stop…even though he wanted to. Even though he wanted to tell Sho that it hurt him when he looked at him like that…but this was not about him. This was about Sho. He had to put Sho first. That was what happened when you had a child…not that was his child…but it felt like it. It felt like Sho….like Sho was his son…or maybe that was just wishful thinking. He didn't know. The only thing he did know was that Sho was the closest thing he had to a child in and he was the closest thing that Sho had to a father…and now they were here. They were here and Fukuda was here for him…and he was going to do his best….
"How about nobody gets hurt….why isn't that an option?" asked Sho. Fukuda….he wanted to move closer…but he didn't. Sho's body language and his aura were both closed off…and he knew not to push him. Not now. Sho was angry, he was hurt, and he felt betrayed…and the last thing he needed was Fukuda invading his space on top of everything else.
"Sho….I wish that it was. I wish that neither of us could have gotten hurt but…but I did what I had to do…for your own good. I didn't want to see you get hurt. Sho…sometimes when you're young you can't see everything. You can't see past yourself, past the present, and it's an adult's job to…to keep you from getting hurt." Said Fukuda. That was the best that he could do, the best that he could say, and he…he had no idea if he had said the right thing…but maybe he had. Sho's aura relaxed and he uncrossed his arms…but now his eyes had gone all glassy….
"That's what dad said. I'm not worth it. He didn't even punish me for cursing at him. He just said that I wasn't worth it…and stuff." Said Sho softly. Fukuda….he kept calm. Suzuki knew. Suzuki. Knew. He knew and…and he was taking this whole thing rather well….and that was…that did not sound like Suzuki at all. He had been going on and on and on about how, when he had a son, he would have secured the entire future and all of that shit. Well now….now this was….what? Suzuki….what? No. He…what? Sho was his son and…and he had just come knocking at the door worried out of his mind that his son was gay…and now he was….what?
What?
"Sho…what did your dad say to you exactly?" asked Fukuda. He knew Suzuki. He knew how to deal with Suzuki. He knew how to…how to deal with this….well actually he had no idea how he was supposed to deal with this but he would try his best. Suzuki was…unpredictable….but he hadn't thought that Suzuki would have been THIS unpredictable. He only had the one Son….and he had no plans of remarrying….so just….what?
What?
"What I just told you! Dad told me that I wasn't even worth punishing because it would upset big sis…and he only cares about big sis! He told me that I was tiresome and he…he said that I wasn't worth upsetting big sis over…and just….he SAID THAT TO MY FACE!" shouted Sho. The room shook, the dresser toppled over, and the windows cracked….but through the whole thing Fukuda did not move. He had been through a lot with Suzuki. He had been through a lot and he knew how to keep his cool in the face of the oncoming explosion…
No, not an explosion.
Tears. An explosion of tears. That was what this was. Fukuda….he knew to keep his distance from Suzuki…but this was not Suzuki. Not Suzuki Touichirou. Suzuki Sho. This person was….was not his father…and Fukuda wasn't afraid of him. He loved Sho. He loved Sho so much…and he pulled him close. He scooted over and pulled Sho close…and he smelled like cinnamon, like Masami, she had usually smelled like cinnamon…and he loved Sho so much….
He would always be there for Sho.
"Sho….you are worth it. You're worth upsetting your sister over….I mean we shouldn't be upsetting anyone…but you are worth upsetting her over. Your dad…he just understands her better because she's so much like him…and that's not a good thing. You don't want to be like him. You….are yourself. You're Sho and…and there is nothing wrong with you. No matter what happened, or what's going to happen, you are who you are and…and who you are is a good person." Said Fukuda as he held Sho close. Suzuki….he could be one cold bastard sometimes…but to say that to Sho….Sho being who he was…that was a lifetime of work gone up in smoke…..and he was just…he was so enamored with his own Daughter that he didn't care that his own Son, his own blood Son, wasn't going to give him the grandkids he had been hoping for since before he'd even had children….
What?
"…..dad said that I wasn't worth it. He doesn't care about me. He only cares about the future. He cares about…about how I was just a…just a…I don't know….I don't know and why…..WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM!?" shouted Sho. He hit Fukuda in the chest….and Sho was so strong these days…and Fukuda did nothing. He just let Sho hit him…as he tried to understand….because Sho had just said….that Suzuki….
Fukuda hadn't said a word to Suzuki.
What motive could he possibly have to tell Suzuki that his Son was nothing less than perfectly straight? No. He would never have betrayed Sho like that. He knew how Suzuki was…well he had thought that he knew how Suzuki was….now it felt like he knew nothing at all and the whole world had gone pear shaped…and he just…had no clue…he didn't have a fucking clue….
But he did know that he hadn't said a word to Suzuki about Sho being…something….in fact he had said quite the opposite.
"Sho….what do you think that I told your dad? Because I….and having trouble figuring out what you're referring to." Said Fukuda
"You told him about my girlfriend." Said Sho. Fukuda….felt a weight come off of his shoulders. He calmed down in an instant. Oh. So that was what this was about. Good. Very good. This was all…very good. Sho…he didn't know what he had said to Shimazaki on that day back in Russia. He hadn't known that he had told Shimazaki about his crush…and about how he needed to stay away from him…and this was….this was….
Fukuda could work with this.
"Sho….your dad…he was worried about you. He was worried about…a lot of things." Said Fukuda. He didn't know if he was even supposed to know that Sho liked Shimazaki. He wasn't sure if Sho had even figured himself out yet. This was a process, he had done his research, this was a process that Sho had to go through on his own. Figuring himself out. Figuring out….a lot of things….and Fukuda…he didn't know what to do in this situation….so he would just do his best.
"Dad doesn't worry about me. Dad doesn't care about me. The only person he cares about other than himself is big sis." Said Sho. Fukuda….was not going to lie to Sho. Suzuki cared about Shigeko but in a totally different way than he cared about Sho. It wasn't a question of more or less. Sho….he cared about Sho in a different way. A totally different way. When he cared about Sho it was about the future. When he cared about Shigeko it was about the present. The two could not be compared. Apples to oranges. The future to the present.
Sho didn't need to hear that.
Sho was only ten and…and he knew how his dad could be already…but he still needed his father's love. He needed his father's love and….and whatever that love may have been. Sho was still so hurt, so very hurt, but at least it wasn't the hurt that Fukuda had thought that he had been feeling. The worst kind of hurt that a person could feel….Sho at least didn't know that Fukuda had betrayed him in one of the worst ways that a person could be betrayed…
This could have been a lot worse.
"No, your dad…he came to me worried…because your sister dressed you up in her clothes and makeup…and he was very worried about….some things about you…and I told him that you had a girlfriend…because I know how he would react if he knew that you liked….who you liked." said Fukuda. He had said the wrong thing. He knew, as soon as he'd said it, that he had said the wrong thing….
Because Sho's aura flared.
He could see Sho counting. Sho was muttering under his breath. One, one and a quarter, one and two quarters, one and three quarters, one and four quarters, one and five quarters, and Fukuda….he did not have the heart to correct him. Fukuda just….let him count. He let him count even though his counting was nonsensical and…and all of this was…it was something. This whole thing was something and Fukuda…he had no idea what to make of whatever this thing was….
But he did know that maybe he was making a mess out of this.
"…shut up. I don't like anyone but Emmy…..so shut up already." Said Sho. He wiped his eyes and scooted away. He had….he had no clue…and he just….Fukuda let him scoot away. He let him scoot away because he needed the space…and Fukuda needed to give him all the space that he needed….so that was what he did….he let Sho scoot away and…and as much as it hurt he knew that Sho needed his space…
Because this was a lot for one little boy to deal with.
Fukuda was totally out of his depth when it came to things like this. He had never gone through anything like this before…and he had no idea how he was supposed to help Sho. He had told Sho time and time again that he accepted him no matter what…but how much did that matter when Sho couldn't even accept himself? There was nothing wrong with how he felt, who he was, no matter what he had been told…but he was a ten year old boy dealing with a lot…and nothing could make this any easier on him…
Not even Fukuda unending support.
"Ok, you don't like anyone but her…but your dad thought…well he thought a lot of things. He thought a lot of things about you and…and I just him that you had a girlfriend so…so he wouldn't think things that you didn't want him to think. Ok? I did it for you….and I know that it was wrong of me to tell your secrets and I know that it was wrong of me to…to not tell you that I had told one of your secrets…but I did it for you. You know how your dad is, ok? You know how he is and I know how he is…and I did it all for you." Said Fukuda. He had no idea if he had said the right thing or the wrong thing or just…if he should have said anything at all. All he knew was that Sho….Sho was hurt and…and he needed….he needed…he needed a lot of things….he needed to hear a lot of things and…he needed Fukuda to tell him the things he needed to hear….
But Fukuda didn't know if he was telling him the things that he needed to hear.
"I….I only like Emmy and….and I'm going to go…and…stuff….before I say or do something mean to you…and that's…what I'm going to do…" said Sho. He got up off the bed and left right after he said that…and Fukuda…he made no move to stop him. There was no way to make this better. There was no way to make anything better or…or worse or…or anything. He didn't know. He just knew that Sho was in a positon that no ten year old was supposed to be in….he had so much to deal with….
More than a kid his age ever should have had to deal with.
He loved Sho, he would always love Sho, and he was doing his best. He was in an impossible place, he had to keep Sho safe but also keep himself safe and…and go along with this insanity and…it was just…..this was not easy. He would have taken Sho away from all of this if he'd had the chance. He would have hand delivered him to Masami. Then…then he could have been happy and been himself and…and he wouldn't have had to deal with all of this shit….but this was his life…and their lives…
And Fukuda was so fucking tired. He never got to sleep in.