March 15th, Friday

Dr. Alana's office

1830 hours

"Good evening, Commander, how are you doing?" Dr. Alana asks, no white coat in sight. The combination of shirt and tie is a bit more conventional this time, but there's still room for some quirkiness that Steve highly appreciates. How boring must it be, he thinks, to spend your days listening to other people's problems… and not have an escape from conformity? While engrossed in his thoughts, he realises the shrink asked him a question, to which he is still awaiting an answer.

"I'm OK," he responds quickly, thinking the better of it in the next second, hesitating as to whether or not he should share. Ultimately, that's what he's here for. "Actually, if I'm being honest, all this talking of Catherine hasn't been doing me a lot of good – on the surface," he says, sadness tinging the edge of his voice, preempting any offense that may be perceived by the good doctor with a hand gesture.

Dr. Alana smiles condescendingly, looking directly at Steve. "It's only natural, Commander. Before the water settles, after you've stirred it, muddy sediment will swirl. That's what you're doing here – we swirl the sediment of years of not dealing with your issues, so that they can dealt with properly – and put in their right place. That way, you can move forward in clear waters."

Steve sighs, loving the analogy. "It's a painful process, that's all. Hasn't been letting me sleep much. I'm unsettled, worried, feeling uneasy."

"Aren't the pills helping?"

"Truthfully?" Steve asks, sheepishly.

"That's what we're here, for Commander."

"I haven't been taking them regularly. I get called at all hours of the night, so I can't risk having to drive under the influence of sleeping pills," he says, trying to gauge Dr. Alana's reaction, wondering if he'll deduce that he hasn't taken a single one. "The nightmares have subsided a bit, but I still wake up, in the middle of the night, and walk around the house until I start to think that maybe I should at least rest my body, if my mind refuses to. So, I go back to bed and mostly lay awake until it's time to get up."

"You need to start taking the pills I prescribed and not be on call during the night, for a week or two, Commander. You need to sleep. That is paramount for everything. Your well-being starts and ends with a good night's sleep."

Steve sighs, ready to object, but thinks better of it. "OK, Doc, I'll let my team know. No more late nights for me for a week, I promise."

"Commander, you need to get your sleep patterns in sync and get a good 6 hours of sleep every night, at least. I'm worried about you, no one can function on no sleep," Dr. Alana says, looking serious. He hopes he's been able to convey how important this is to his stubborn patient. "And regarding what you said, you know, about all this talking of Lieutenant Rollins that hasn't been doing you any good… even before we started talking about her, you were already feeling like this, weren't you?"

Steve sighs, hesitation invading him, thinking back to the days before he'd come to his first appointment. "Uh… I guess you're right…"

"OK… so that means it's not the talking that's bothering you. It may be helping to bring memories to the surface that aren't necessarily happy, but the root cause of your insomnia and everything you've been feeling is not what we've been discussing here. Something else happened – what was it? You mentioned you last saw Lieutenant Rollins when she came to your aid, in Montana?"

Steve interrupts, remembering vividly, his insides crashing into themselves. "No, remember what I told you? Afghanistan?"

"Ah, yes, of course!"

"Yeah. We parted ways in Montana and I thought I wouldn't see her again for another year, which had been more or less the average of our encounters for the past three years," Steve smiles, feeling the need to explain.

"How did her leaving make you feel, at that time?"

"Now that I had confirmed she was the woman I wanted to be with, you mean?"

"Had you?" Dr. Alana asks, surprised again at Steve's small tidbit of insight.

"Don't get me wrong, Doc. I'd gone on dates, ever since I'd broken up with Lynn…"

"I figured, what with the help of your trusted, pushy sidekick…" Dr. Alana smiles at Steve, trying to impart lightness into the conversation.

Steve laughs back. "I see you're starting to get a feel of the dynamic of our friendship, there, Doc. He'd complain about me being a monk, would try to set me up on dates, I'd go because I didn't want to hear him complain all the time... And he nags me ALL THE TIME, still today" Steve says, closing his eyes for dramatic effect.

Dr. Alana smiles, understanding. This Detective Danny Williams must be a character. "And how were the dates? How did you feel about them?"

Steve looks at Dr. Alana again, now sobering up. "Like they were a waste of time, like I never wanted to go on a date, again. Don't get me wrong, my dates were great, but it's just…"

"What?"

"I felt awkward, like a teenager, again."

"Most people love to feel like teenagers when they're in love, you know?"

Steve smiles, punchline at the ready. "Exactly, except I wasn't. And I knew it."

"None of these women interested you? Not even a little bit?"

"The dinners were nice enough, you know…"

"Dinners?"

"Yes, dinners. First or second dates."

"It never went beyond that? How many dates were there?"

"A few. With a teacher from Detective Williams' son's school and Eddie's vet."

"Eddie?"

"My service dog. His handler died on the job and I took him in. Best decision I ever made," Steve thinks, smiling.

Dr. Alana agrees. Pets are calming. "So… things never went beyond dinners?"

"What're you asking, Doc?"

"Commander, you're what, 42?"

"Yeah."

"So, after a first date, comes a second. I mean, I haven't dated in a while, but I watch TV," Dr. Alana says, amused. "I know how things work, these days."

Steve smiles, more at ease. "OK, Doc. I'll tell you what you want to know. No, I never slept with any of them." And he's really at ease, when he says it.

"Why?"

"They were first dates, I don't sleep with women on first dates. Or second, for that matter. Intimacy is not an easy thing, for me. There has to be a real connection. It's the only thing that makes sense, as far as I'm concerned."

Dr. Alana scribbles down 'Guarded' and turns to Steve. "But you never felt like going on subsequent dates, with them?"

"I felt like I was kind of going through the motions, you know? Appeasing Danny."

"So, in the end, you stopped going on these dates? Even though your partner… what was it you said? Mocked you for being a monk?"

"Don't think he hasn't tried to set me up with other women. I just keep telling him NO," Steve says, smiling amusedly. "After I gave the whole dating thing a try, I realised that I wasn't really invested in them. I guess I got tired of endlessly trying to find a drawer to get tucked away into."

"Maybe because, as you said, you'd come to the conclusion those drawers were not the right ones? That Lieutenant Rollins was the key to your drawer?"

"How very poetic Doc," Steve smiles. "The woman I knew was just out of my reach, unavailable. So you can imagine how I felt, kind of in limbo. Cath wasn't an option, but no other woman felt right. I knew who I wanted, but couldn't have."

"Is that why you called her, when your Commanding Officer died?"

"No, not really, I never, ever wanted to force a decision out of her that was contrary to what she needed. I simply needed her by my side at that moment, it was a visceral thing. I didn't even give it much thought, I just knew I had to call and let her know. Besides, she knew Commander White, he'd been the one responsible for getting us together. It was only right that she be given the option to come pay her last respects to him."

"Responsible for getting you two together?"

Steve winces, annoyed at having disclosed such unflattering information. "Yes, he saved my life on a mission and told me that if we made it out alive, I had to ask Catherine out on a date. I tried to wiggle my way out of it…"

"Why?" Dr. Alana interrupts, curious.

"We'd worked together until recently, we'd struck a balance with our friendship, I really didn't want to risk ruining it."

"And your C.O. saw right through your bullshit, pardon my French?" Dr. Alana says, sitting back, amused.

Steve is surprised by the man's words, but laughs at his straightforwardness. "Exactly. So I ended up calling her from my hospital bed in Germany and asked her to the Army/Navy gala. I was so nervous…"

"I can imagine, you were about to take a big risk, as per your words, and you are very averse to taking risks in that area of your life. How did she react?"

"Asked me what had taken me so long!" Steve says laughing, but thinking of the therapist's words. Perhaps he is right, and that's why things stand as they do. Damn this therapy-to gain-insight-into-your-life thing. He'll never be able to go home and mindlessly watch TV for hours tonight.

"I see, a practical woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to let you know. Curious that she doesn't take the lead more often. Very curious." Steve ignores him, not wanting to consider this. "So, in Montana you confirmed that Lieutenant Rollins was the woman for you. In your own words, the woman you wanted. But you didn't tell her that. You were together, alone, for a month. Why not tell her?"

"We had a job to do, and distractions are dangerous. If I let my mind wander into romantic places, our lives might be at stake. If anything had happened to her, I would never forgive myself. And she ended up saving my life on the last part of our mission," Steve says with a low voice, sighing. "Someone I once trusted turned out to be a double agent."

"I'm sorry about that, Commander. It must've been hard."

"Yes, I wasn't expecting her to be the one who'd been selling secrets to the enemy. We'd had a fling, briefly, before I started dating Cath. I couldn't bring myself to aim my gun at her, so Catherine had to pull the trigger. I'm glad she did, or I wouldn't be here, now."

"And did she die?"

"No other way that could've gone. She would've never come willingly, would've never stood trial on US soil."

"Do you feel guilty for what happened to her?"

"I had feelings for her, at some point. I don't understand what makes someone turn against their own country, become a spy. Maybe that was the thing that I had the most difficulty coming to terms with. It's so underhand, you know? Why? Because you're greedy? Plain evil? Because you hold a massive grudge? Because you're really angry? Why take it out on innocent people?"

"Again, Commander, the reasons are varied and complex, often difficult to understand. I'd only be guessing, since I know none of the particulars of that case. But rationally, you know none of what happened was your fault, right?"

"Rationally, sure… but it still makes me uncomfortable to think that I lacked judgement when I got involved with her."

"Maybe you have to think that she wasn't the person she later became, at the time you two became involved."

"Perhaps. Although I am inclined to think that she was always bad."

"And maybe she hid it very well – not only from you, but also from the US government. Why should you be better than them at figuring her out?"

Steve thinks for a minute, considering Dr. Alana's words. "You're right, Doc. She was very good at covering her tracks, she was smart. Nothing I could've done, I guess. Especially since we went our separate ways a few days after the mission. I got called out and we never saw each other again, until a few weeks ago."

"Speaking of a few weeks ago… you said goodbye to Lieutenant Rollins after your mission ended."

Steve has a faraway look on his face, remembering what he'd felt on that tarmac. "I told her about Joe bringing us together, she didn't know. It brought tears to her eyes. I swear that, for a moment, I harboured this illusion that she would just tell me she still loved me and was leaving the CIA to come home with me. I so wanted to hear those words come out of her mouth!"

"But you never said them yourself?"

"No, the decision would have to come from her," Steve says, firmness seeping from his voice, trying to convince himself.

"Even though you never told her that your circumstances had changed?"

"What circumstances, Doc?"

"That you had come to the conclusion that you still loved her, despite everything?"

"I couldn't face the possibility of her telling me she was choosing the CIA again over me. It would break me all over again."

Dr. Alana empathizes with his patient, knowing him a little, by now. Will these two star-crossed lovers ever manage to carve a moment, in the fabric of their lives, to talk frankly, without any fear of ridicule? He wonders. "Is living like this preferable?"

Huffing in irony, Steve smiles. "Good question, Doc. I ask myself that every day and I'm finding more and more that it's not. Like I said, it's unsettling me. I feel uneasy, worried."

"Why worried, Commander?"

"After the bombings on the island, we came across each other in the most unexpected of places – Afghanistan, like I told you."

"This was the first time you met, after Montana?"

"Yeah, about a month later. I went there to chase after the terrorist who'd planned the bombings on the island, but got something else instead. My C.O. forced me to accept the CIA's help on the ground - guess who that was?" Steve smiles again.

Dr. Alana mimics him. "Yes, amazing coincidence, but sometimes the universe conspires in our favour. What happened between the two of you?"

"It was odd, you know? Montana had changed things, it was as though we both knew we still loved each other, but couldn't bring ourselves to admit it. Or act on it, at first. I felt really strange during my time there. Like I needed to walk on eggshells near her, or something."

"How did Lieutenant Rollins react?"

"One night I knocked on her door after we'd been exchanging texts…"

Dr. Alana interrupts Steve. "Texts? What about?"

"You know," Steve shrugs, "Life. Love."

"Oh?"

"I asked her if she wasn't tired of the job. If she didn't feel like leaving, you know, settling down, getting married, having kids."

"And?"

"She told me the job had 'just about broken her in'," Steve raises his arms and makes air quotes, annoyed at the memory. "That she was really good at it and that she had nothing else."

"How did that make you feel?"

"Real angry. She'd had something else, which she'd thrown away. So for her to sit there, throwing this back in my face…" Steve closes his eyes, remembering how hurt he'd felt. "It was as though she was telling me that I hadn't been enough. That I still wasn't enough, but that her sterile job, for a heartless, faceless machine, was. Then, it occurred to me that maybe someone else had become "enough for her"… she'd mentioned 'dating here and there'.

"Did you let her know how you felt?"

"Nah, too much time had passed, we'd sort of talked about it, I didn't feel like drudging all that stuff up again."

"But you hadn't talked about it, not really."

"Of course not. The usual."

"Because you never talked about the things that upset you."

"Us?"

"Well, you. You're the patient, here, not Lieutenant Rollins."

Steve sighs, defeated. "Yeah, Doc, you're right. I learnt from my father, who had to move on from my mother's death and the fear that whoever had killed her, would come after his children, too. So he sent us away, to different places. I never forgave him, really. And since I didn't really have a normal familial environment to grow in, I bottled all my emotions up. It was a defense mechanism, I know that. I guess I'm still living there, emotionally."

"Where were you sent to live, Commander?" Dr. Alana asks, making no attempt to look for the information on his notes. He wants the man in front of him to tell him, making eye contact.

"Army and Naval Academy in Annapolis, when I was 17."

"You were very young."

"It was tough, I'll tell you that. I was alone, no family, no mother, no father, no sister, no family. But I survived, it made me stronger."

"I can see that. You're a natural born leader, so I'd say you managed to navigate that difficulty pretty well, despite your shortcomings. So… after that talk with Lieutenant Rollins, what happened?"

"I couldn't resist kissing her, that night, in her room," Steve laughs, surprising Dr. Alana. "She got really angry. Sent me away. The next day, I was called in to my C.O.'s office and the CIA went into town to try and capture one of the terrorists. She was injured and sent back to the States that same morning. She ran away from me, basically."

"Why do you say that?" Dr. Alana can't hide his surprise at this turn of events. Catherine Rollins does not seem to be an irrational woman, and yet, her actions are puzzling.

"She could've been treated there, but she asked to be sent back. Her time there was coming to an end, anyway. But she left, without leaving me a note, or sending me a text, even, telling me what had happened. No one would tell me how serious her injuries were. Can you imagine that?"

"She was angry at you. Why?"

"I don't know, Doc!" Steve raises his voice and his arms, angry again. "I've thought about it a million times, and I genuinely don't know. I tried to ask her about it, in D.C., but…"

"Wait, D.C.?" Dr. Alana asks, confused.

"Yeah. As soon as I left Afghanistan, I just had to make sure she was OK, at least… those were the worst 12 hours of my life. I thought the Navy and the CIA might've lied to me and her condition was much worse that they'd let on."

"Oh, so you left Afghanistan and went to Washington. What happened there?"

Steve sighs again, not sure how to explain what happened. "We, uh… we had a fight. By that time, I was also angry at her, for fleeing and scared to death that she was lying on a bed, somewhere, recovering from life threatening injuries. I calmed down, once I saw for myself that she was OK."

"So, the reports were false?"

Steve smiles. "No, what I meant was that she had been discharged from the hospital, so, for us, that's being OK. Our levels of injury are somewhat different from the civilian population."

"I can imagine, Commander. Go on."

Steve hesitates, but eventually caves. "We ended up giving in to each other." For the first time, Dr. Alana sees a genuine smile on Steve's face.

"I see," he says, smiling back. He had expected something similar. From his patient's unrest, the past few weeks, he knew it had to be something big. "How did that make you feel?"

"Like I had finally come home," Steve smiles, closing his eyes as he remembers. "So at peace… like we had another chance of making things work."

"Even though you were thousands of miles away from Hawai'i?"

Steve huffs. "Guess it's not about Hawai'i then, is it? I'd never thought of it like that," and he smiles again at Dr. Alana, remembering what he's been saying about conclusions only he can come to, with the help of therapy. "The next day, when I tried to talk about us, she freaked out."

"She didn't want to talk to you about what had happened?"

"No, there was an undertone of anger in her, somehow. Now that I think about it, it was very passive-aggressive, you know, considering what had just happened."

"Did Lieutenant Rollins seem like she regretted having been with you?"

"It was as if, somehow, she 'gave in' to me," Steve says, deep in thought, but suddenly remembers who he's talking to. "Of her own free will, of course. And then regretted it, when she realised what she'd done. In the end, she just told me that she wanted to keep working for the sterile CIA and that she didn't want to enter into a 'friends with benefits' relationship with me," Steve finishes, drained, making air quotes again, indignant. "I was so dumbfounded, all I could do was ask her to keep in touch, and left."

"Why the 'friends with benefits' reference?"

"I have no idea, Doc. We never ever had that kind of relationship and I've never treated women that way. It's just not my style."

"I can tell, Commander." Dr. Alana sits up in his chair, genuinely sorry for the man in front of him and a little bit befuddled at the conclusion of his story. From everything he's heard about Lieutenant Rollins and his own assessment of her, this reaction was not to be expected.

"But thinking about it, maybe that's all she has time for, in her CIA life? Or maybe she's found someone else and was angry that she couldn't resist me?" Steve asks, serious.

"Can I ask again…" Dr. Alana hesitates, not sure his questions won't bring more unnecessary pain to his patient. But deciding they are important, he presses on. "What kind of a woman is Lieutenant Rollins? Outside the sterile environment of the Navy, that is?"

Steve laughs, reminiscing. "Oh, Doc, there's plenty of her personality within the Navy, believe me. But to answer your question? Loyal to a fault, best of friends, great lover, levelheaded, disguisedly sarcastic when the occasion calls for it, very intelligent, patient, understanding, strong, caring, trustworthy… I could go on, but you get the idea." There's a smile firmly plastered on his face, as he talks.

"You love this woman," Dr. Alana states, in admiration of the man facing him. "Deeply. I'm just surprised that your personal demons have prevented you from telling her this, when you were last together."

Steve looks down, embarrassed. "It's much worse than you think, Doc."

"Oh?" Dr. Alana is curious. Maybe the next words to come out of Commander McGarrett's mouth will explain why Lieutenant Rollins basically dispatched him from her home with such lack of consideration for his feelings.

Steve faces Dr. Alana, suddenly hit by an ounce of courage he didn't have, a moment ago. "I've never told her I loved her. Not once, to her face."

Dr. Alana sighs audibly, shocked. Could he have analysed this situation all wrong? Could it be that Commander McGarrett doesn't really love this woman as he suspected until now, and she sensed it, too, therefore having put an end to their love affair, preferring to keep him in her life as a once-a-year friend? He's confused, for a moment, but quickly recovers. "Commander… why?"

"Navy mentality, remember? And the way I was brought up, I guess. After we moved in together, I figured she knew very well how I felt about her, so there was no need to say it."

"Yes, I'm all for ditching annoying conventions of love and relationships, too, but… never, ever? Not even once?"

"Well, I did tell her, once… when I got back to Hawai'i, after I almost got beheaded in Afghanistan. I called her on the satellite phone. It was so hard, listening to her voice, thousands of miles away, knowing she was in hostile territory, facing all those dangers… I wanted so much to go after her."

"Well, Commander, you put a new spin on the word "guarded". Impressive. Why do you think you never felt the need to tell her, even if it is part of a social convention and you thought she knew how you felt about her? The word is out there, in the world, God knows we're bombarded with it every day in every kind of media possible… so, why not use it, like the rest of us, mortals?"

"Maybe I thought it made me look weak? Maybe proposing would say it in a whole new way?"

"Have you ever wondered why? Why she sent you away, angry and didn't give you any other explanation as to her behaviour?"

"Oh, I've wondered, Doc… I've done nothing but wonder, these past few weeks. In fact, I think that's the real reason I haven't been sleeping."

"Yes." The word has a definite finality to it that admits no dissention.

"You think so, too?"

"Seems obvious. But why has all this wondering," Dr. Alana says, smiling, "not made you want to know? You're such a man of action, an alpha male, you head a law enforcement taskforce, and when it comes to this woman… what? You're paralysed? You don't want to "face the beast"? Why?"

"I don't know!"

"Oh, I think you do, Commander. But let me help you, there. You're afraid."

"Yes, like I told you – afraid she'll tell me she prefers the CIA over me - again."

"It's much deeper than that. You were afraid of asking Lieutenant Rollins the real reasons for her departure. You asked, yes, on the spur of the moment - because it was the logical thing to do, because you hadn't expected her decision at all, but deep down, you didn't want to know, because you knew you shared a portion of the blame. Although you probably never told anyone this, you're smart enough to know that maybe, perhaps, it was partly your fault. And that – you can't face. So you allowed her to take the full blame, and she allowed it too – perhaps she felt guilty for leaving you, or perhaps this is her modus operandi when it comes to you, I don't know yet. But while you don't ask – and she doesn't answer – the world is full of possibilities."

"I really thought of asking, Doc. When we were on our way to Morocco, on the plane."

"And? Why didn't you?"

Steve smiles again. "Actually, I asked her if she had a code name, to try and lighten the mood. I had a girlfriend at the time, what was the point of dredging up old stories?"

"Old stories? You were totally in the dark about the reasons she had to leave you on that porch… You were still angry at her, what old stories?"

"In hindsight, I guess you're right. Catherine then asked me if we were "good" and although I had a million things to tell her, to ask her, I ultimately felt that I shouldn't bring all that stuff up. So I told her we were 'good'," Steve says, making air quotes again, "and left it at that."

"Again, you chose the easy way out. You decided not getting hurt was far more important than finding out why, and maybe, just maybe, dealing with the consequences. You thought you were due something, you were angry, and if she was the only one to blame, you were justified in your anger, and safe, no blame attached. You still have not learned to be an adult, in matters of the heart. You keep running from the truth, fearing getting hurt, when you get hurt the same way, and don't even know the reason! Why do you think you find it difficult to talk? Put stuff out in the open?"

"Look, I've always had to take care of myself – since Annapolis. I couldn't show weakness, or cry, or miss the people I had left behind, I was all alone. So I developed this thick shell, and learned not to be vulnerable, because that might get me killed. And maybe, in my subconscious mind… loving someone is being vulnerable, especially if they become targets. So I don't open up, I don't tell the woman I love that I love her, because that's opening me up to possible pain and suffering, and I have to be stoic, strong. I can't have anything to lose."

"But you failed to consider the other side of the coin, Commander. Even if it IS very hard… for the right woman, it's worth it. And you know it, you've experienced that love. What you gain, in the end, is far, far more important than your dignity, or self-love, or whatever you choose to call it. You gain love, companionship, a partnership, someone who stays. Because in the end, what's the point of holding on to your self-preservation instincts… if you are without her? And even if that's the fate that expects you… wouldn't you rather know sooner, than later? So you can move on, never wondering "what if?" That "what if", Commander… is fatal. It paralyses you. "

Steve is silent after Dr. Alana's analysis, mulling over everything he's heard. If it had been, say, Danny, telling him all this, it would be easy to dismiss it as his usual ramblings and make fun of his nature. However, this is not Danny, this is a man who hardly knows him, and worse, who does this for a living. He analyses people for a living. And his turn is up.

"Commander, let me try and explain something to you through the eyes of psychiatry. We, humans, progress through the world with a very low sense of what actually is wrong with us. Most of us are addicts. Not in the sense of heroin addicts, no – addiction is basically any pattern of behaviour whereby one cannot stand to be by oneself and cognizant of the more uncomfortable thoughts and, more importantly, emotions, that come from being on our own. People can be addicted to almost anything, so long as it keeps them away from themselves, or tricky self-knowledge. Thanks to technology and distractions, we can have a life where we will almost certainly be guaranteed not to spend any time with ourselves. This is a disaster for our ability to have a relationship with another person, because until we know ourselves, we can't properly relate to another person. Why is love so difficult for us? Because it requires us to do something we really don't want to do, which is to approach another human being and say: "I need you, I really wouldn't survive without you. I am vulnerable before you." There's a very strong impulse within us to be strong and well defended, and to never reveal our vulnerabilities to any other person. Is any of this resonating with you?"

Steve hangs his head low, taking in the man's words. He nods and Dr. Alana goes on. "There are basically 2 patterns of response that tend to crop up in people whenever there's a danger of needing to be extremely vulnerable and exposed to another person. One is the anxiously attached, where rather than saying "I need you, I depend on you", people start to get very strict, when all they want to ask is a very poignant question: "do you still care about me?" Because they don't dare ask that question, they instead get nasty, stiff, procedural. Now, this is not your case."

Steve looks up, curious about what's coming next. This is the real, hard, shrinky stuff, and he needs to hear it. "The other pattern, used by A-types - your type, Commander - is known as avoidant. When you need someone, it's precisely at that moment that you pretend you don't. When you feel most vulnerable, you say "I'm quite busy at the moment, I'm fine, thanks, I'm very busy today." In other words, you don't reveal the need for another person, which sets them off into a chain of wondering whether you even care for them, if their presence even makes a difference in your life – so a cycle of low trust. Instead of saying "even though I'm a grown man, beard and 6'2, I'm actually a small child inside and I need you, like a small child would need its parent." This is so humbling, that most people refuse to take that step and refuse the challenge of love. In short, we don't know very much about 'how to love'. Loving is not just an instinctual thing – it's a skill, and one that needs to be learned and practiced. One thing is to be loved – and you experienced that from an early age, through your parents, sister and family, however brief that period was – the other is to love. We might be forgiven for thinking that they are one and the same, but they are not. To love is to have the willingness to interpret someone's 'on the surface' not very appealing behaviour, in order to find more benevolent reasons why it may be unfolding. It's to apply charity and generosity of interpretation. You were in dire need of love, Commander, so you should've cut yourself and Lieutenant Rollins some slack. Instead, you just kept following your feelings and lost the woman you love."

Steve is dumbfounded, unable to utter a single word, lost in thought. Dr. Alana goes on. "Now, I'm telling you all this because I believe that you have some options left, when it comes to Lieutenant Rollins, should you wish to take them. But most of all, I would really like it if you, as a patient, were able to reach a stage where you feel content with your life, happy and, most importantly, at peace. With or without Lieutenant Rollins. Whether or not she comes back to you. Learn from your mistakes. Don't make them again." Dr. Alana quiets, waiting for his words to sink in. "Well, I think we're out of time. This feels like a good spot to stop, anyway. I'm sure I've given you plenty of food for thought. See you again in two weeks' time?"

Steve nods and gets up, shaking Dr. Alana's hand. "Commander," the therapist says, holding onto his hand, "only you can help yourself, one truth at a time."