Sho liked to draw outside.

The light was good, there were always animals doing animal stuff and that was fun to draw, and he could be…alone. That wasn't usually a big thing for him, being alone while he drew, he had drawn in the middle of Times Square on New Year's Eve once. He didn't need to be alone in the peace and the quiet…he just wanted to. He just needed to be alone for a little bit. Big sis was inside putting the food away. She'd had to order a bunch at once because he and Shimazaki had eaten everything in the house…and they had eaten everything in the house because they had been smoking….

And Sho was never going to do that again.

He wanted to. He had really…it had been nice. The way that he felt really light…the way that everything had sort of a…sharpness too it? The way that the world had felt more…clear? Looked more clear? Clear and sharp. The blues were blues and the greens were green and the reds were red and his clothes had been soft and the food had been sweet and the water had been cool and Zooptopia had never been as amazing as it had….and music….music had never sounded so good.

Shimazaki had good taste in music.

Sho finally understood Shimazaki's music, why he liked the Beatles so much. They were just always so…happy. Even when they were singing about sad things, like about the blackbird or about the lonely lady, they were always so happy. Like…like they were saying that no matter how bad things got they were still going to be ok. Shimazaki had explained it to him before but he finally got it. What he had meant. He finally understood and Shimazaki….Shimazaki had been proud of him when he had said now much he understood…and Sho….he had felt a lot of things….and he had said a lot of things….

A lot of stupid things.

He was pretty sure that he had told Shimazaki that he loved him. He was pretty sure that the stupidest string of words ever, that he could ever have said, had come out of his mouth. I think I love you. That was it. He had said….he had said what he only should have thought! First of all confessing to someone else was cheating even when your girlfriend was all the way in England and second of all confessing to your best friend was just….wrong. Shimazaki had said it back, but he had said as a friend, and Sho…he hoped…

He hoped that Shimazaki had thought that he had meant, when he said it, that he meant it as a friend.

Like when he and big sis told each other they loved….well they were brother and sister….or like when Hatori told Shibata that he loved him whenever he helped him with stuff that he should have known how to do himself….like that. Like, I love you man. Like that….Shimazaki….he wasn't deaf. He wasn't deaf and he wasn't clueless. He knew what things meant, what people meant, and he could hear just fine. He knew that Sho had meant….

Had meant it like…

Like Sho didn't even want to think about. Like he wanted to hold Shimazaki's hand. Like in the song. He wanted to hold Shimazaki's hand…and kiss him…and just…be with him. Nobody had ever….ever made him feel like this before. Like the goldfish in his stomach had also moved up to his heart, like his body was just one big fish aquarium, and he just…..he wanted this feeling to go on forever and he wanted it to be over and done with this instant…and he just….

He was an idiot.

So he sat down in the dirt and drew a picture of the birds that were sitting on top of Shimazaki's house. They were blackbirds. They were blackbirds but they were not singing in the dead of night and their wings were not broken so they didn't fly. He didn't want them to fly. There were two of them and they were sitting up on the roof looking down at Minegishi's garden. Good. Sho hoped that they flew down and pecked every single one of Minegishi's plants to death. That would serve them right for everything that they had done to him.

For liking Shimazaki.

For calling him Ryou all the time. For letting him kiss them and hold them and….and he was always touching them when they were together. Sometimes he would hold their hand or lay down on them or put his hand on their back or just….Sho didn't even want to think about it! He just wanted those bird to swoop down and kill their whole garden and then they would be all pissed off and then Shimazaki would be all 'fuck this pissed off people ae boring' and then he would forget about Minegishi, since the only thing that they had going for them was boobs anyway, and then he and Sho could be together forever and they could-

They could not be together forever.

They couldn't even be together right now. Sho had ruined their whole friendship and now…now he would never be able to hang out with Shimazaki again…and now his drawing is wet. The graphite from his pencil is smudge. Now it's wetter. Sho wonders if he could convince big sis, if she were to take a break from putting the food away, that there had been a little rain storm and it had only fallen on his notebook….no. She would never believe anything like that. She was clueless, not stupid, and she would see that he was crying and she would want to know what was wrong and…and he had no idea what he would tell her.

That he was in love with his best friend, that he was so in love that it hurt, and that he wished that you could get wishes for folding a thousand paper cranes….even though he has no idea what he would wish for.

He could wish to not be in love with Shimazaki…but this feeling…when he's near Shimazaki it's a good one. When they're together it's like….like his insides are full of goldfish but…but in a good way. It's like the goldfish inside of him are swimming through warm pudding, the stovetop stuff that Shibata made sometimes, when Shimazaki was near…and it was a good feeling….and he sort of understood why girls were so obsessed with love and kissing and boyfriends and stuff. He wanted….he wanted Shimazaki to love him and kiss him and be his boyfriend….and stuff….

And he could have wished for that.

He could have folded a thousand paper cranes and wished for that. He could have wished for Shimazaki to love him…just as much as Sho loved him…which he suspected was a lot but he didn't know since he had never been in love before….and he could have wished for Shimazaki to love him and then they could have been together like he wanted…but that wouldn't have worked out either. Aside from the cheating, which was terrible, his dad would have killed Shimazaki if he ever felt the same way about Sho…and he might have even killed Sho, too. He might have even killed Sho, told big sis that it had been an accident, and then met some new lady and had a new Sho with her, or maybe a Shoyo since he was called Sho already, and then that would have been it. The only people who would miss him would have been big sis, she might have even died of sadness like people did sometimes, and Fukuda…even though he was a dick licking, cock sucking, bitch bastard of a traitor. He had told dad about Emmy and…and he had promised and…and if Sho had been Shimazaki's boyfriend, the thought of the word makes his stomach come alive with two headed goldfish, Fukuda would never have been able to keep it to himself and then dad would kill him and Shimazaki and-

And things would have been so easier if he had been big sis.

Or any sis. If he had been Shoko instead of Sho….well he would have had to wear makeup and dresses and he really hated makeup and dresses….and also he didn't really want to magic himself into a girl…but if it meant being Shimazaki's girlfriend then he would…do his best to get used to it….even if it meant that dad would have no use for him…and that he would have to be a girl…he would still want to do that just so he could be with Shimazaki….

It's pointless to think about this.

Wishes don't come true and if he woke up and then all of a sudden he had been a girl he would have spent the rest of his life freaking out. He didn't want to be a girl…he just wanted….he just wanted to be allowed to like boys. To like both, because he did like both, but he couldn't just not like girls all together because then…then he didn't know what he would do. He was Sho and he liked both and Shimazaki happened to be one of the both and…he just wanted it to be ok….

But it wasn't ok and he had ruined their whole friendship!

His aura flared and he threw his sketchbook in the dirt. He just wished that it could have been ok and-and he pulled his shirt up over his head. He pulled his shirt up over his head and he started to count. He needed a cool, dark place to count….and this shirt wasn't cool or dark because he was sitting in the summer sun…and he could have gone back inside but then big sis would have wanted to know what was wrong with him and…and he did not want to explain any of this to her. He just…wanted to be in his shirt for a while…so that was where he would be.

Or he would have been.

He felt the energy around him shift and then…and then there was light. Real light. Not the filtered blue light that had come in through his shirt but, instead, real sunlight. He closed his eyes. He knew that Shimazaki was there, he could feel his aura and hear him breathing and smell him, he smelled really good today like he had just taken a shower, and he could even see him with his aura and….and why was he even there?

Had he forgotten what Sho had said?

Had Sho just imagined it? Had he said something else, something totally different, or nothing at all to Shimazaki? Had he just imagined the whole thing? Had he gotten sun sick from playing outside and the whole day had just been his imagination running wild? Maybe….or maybe Shimazaki had gone deaf, too, and that was what he was there to tell him so Sho could tell him whatever he wanted to tell him. He could tell Shimazaki how much he loved him, how much he thought about him, how much he loved the way his voice sounded and his cologne smelled and he thought that it was gross how he had to clean out his eyes but in a good way and how he laid in bed sometimes, at night, and thought about what it would have been like to sleep next to him…and how his tattoos were just the coolest things in the world and how when he grew up he wanted to cover all of his scars with tattoos that were just like Shimazaki's…only not the one of Minegishi because they sucked dick in a public bathroom for ten yen coins and never had a single customer not even during golden week, and he could tell Shimazaki that boobs weren't everything and that Minegishi's weren't anything, like Fukuda had said, and then…

Well he could have said a lot of things.

But he couldn't because he knew that Shimazaki could still hear him. He didn't trust himself to say anything. He just looked down at his shoes. He looked down at the ground. He looked down at his shadow. He had tried to explain, before, what shadows were but Shimazaki hadn't gotten it…and maybe he could try and explain it again since his shadow was so cool…he decided. He decided that his shadow was the coolest thing in the world and he would have liked it if his shadow got unstuck and he would have to chase it…it would at least take his mind off of everything if his shadow got up and ran away…

But it hadn't.

It had gone away but not because it had gotten unstuck from him. No, that only happened in movies. In life his shadow had just gone away because Shimazaki had made a bigger shadow. He was holding up Sho's pencil and sketchbook. He wasn't facing Sho while he did this….and Sho didn't know if he was just not facing Sho because he didn't have to face him to see him or if it was because he was still weirded out about yesterday.

Sho didn't trust himself to ask.

"So did you throw this away because you were pissed off at it or did you throw it away because you don't want it anymore? Because if so then can I have it?" asked Shimazaki. Sho…had no idea what he was even talking about. That was a sketchbook. He had held Sho's sketchbooks before. He couldn't write or draw…so why did he want it?

"What do you even want it for? You can't draw." Said Sho as he took his sketchbook back. There was dirt. A lot of it…and he shouldn't have thrown it…but he had been doing a lot of stuff, lately, that he should not have been doing.

"Who says I can't?" asked Shimazaki. He reached over with the pencil and tried to draw over Sho's drawing….and he pulled it away. He didn't want anything more covering his drawing…even if it would have been Shimazaki's drawing…but he knew that if he drew over Sho's drawing it would just make it so Sho could never make another mark on that page.

"You did, before, remember? You said that you couldn't see things that were written on paper." Said Sho. He tried to take the pencil back but Shimazaki snatched it away. Sho leaned forward as far as he could…and maybe that was too far because he was pressed against Shimazaki as he leaned forward…and he pulled back, fast, so fast that he almost tipped over backwards.

"Yeah, I can't see it. That doesn't mean that I can't draw." Said Shimazaki. He mimed drawing in the air….and now Sho wished that he had let him draw….but also no…but also yes….and stuff…and yeah….

"Same thing." Said Sho as he batted the pencil away. Shimazaki didn't stop. He drew a line down Sho's forehead. It didn't show but he could feel it…and it felt…it felt like….like he didn't even know…well he did know….and he didn't know.

"Is not." Said Shimazaki drawing another line on Sho's head. This time he managed to catch the pencil and he tried to pull it away…and then Shimazaki pulled it back and hit him on the top of the head….and Sho could have put up a barrier but…but he didn't want to….

Because this was nice.

This was so nice. This was…what they always did together. This was just them being friends like normal…and maybe they could be normal….and maybe Shimazaki had forgiven him for what he had said…or forgotten what he had said…or maybe he was just ignoring what Sho had said or…or something. He didn't know. All he knew was that he liked this and….and he wanted to keep this….keep this being so…keep being so….with him…

Keep being so normal.

"Is too." Said Sho. He smiled, he smiled and he meant it, and he just…kept on smiling. Even though his head probably had a graphite mark on it. Even though he just…didn't know how he felt about…any of this…but he just….felt so good…and so weird…and so bad…and so…he just wanted….he just wanted….to win this fight. That was all he wanted. To win this fight.

"Is fucking not." Said Shimazaki. Sho stuck out his tongue. That was what he was going to start with? Weak as fuck.

"Is fucking too." Said Sho. Fine. If Shimazaki was going to start out weak then Sho could go easy on him. That was the nice thing to do after all. You always had to be nice to your friends even if that meant going easy on them sometimes.

"Is fucking not you little asshole." Said Shimazaki. Sho stuck out his tongue. Fine then. He had thought that they were going easy on each other….but going easy on each other was boring and Shimazaki did not do boring.

"Is fucking too you fucking bitch bastard." Said Sho. There. Shimazaki wouldn't be able to think up a better combination than that. He had done in barely any rounds. The student had surpassed the master. Now Shimazaki would be so impressed with him and….and he would be impressed with him and nothing more. Sho didn't want anything more than for Shimazaki to be impressed with him. Not for him to reach across the dirt path and tale his hand…or anything like that. That would have been weird…the sort of weird that could only be excused when he had been smoking….and they weren't smoking…and he couldn't smoke again…because if he did he would have said or done something else stupid…and stuff.

"What the hell is a bitch bastard?" laughed Shimazaki. Sho…he felt…he felt…nice. When he heard Shimazaki laughing. When he heard him and…he had a really nice laugh…and Sho had heard a lot of people laughing before but….but Shimazaki's laugh was the nicest.

"A person who's a bitch and a bastard at the same time." Said Sho as he got the goldfish in his stomach to sort of slow down…just a bit…just a little bit. He just…he just had to….calm down and stuff. He felt sort of like he had been….he didn't know. Like he had been swimming in the ocean and he had swallowed the ocean and now there was a whole ocean inside of him…or a tsunami…and all because Shimazaki had laughed….

Feelings really sucked sometimes.

"Uh-huh, so I'm a female dog who's parents were married. Well, you think you know yourself." Said Shimazaki. He laughed again…and this time Sho was better prepared for it. He took a deep breath and kept calm…as calm as he could be…and he waited to speak until he could trust himself to speak…and not say something stupid like 'I like it when you laugh' because that would have just been….stupid.

"What?" asked Sho after maybe too long. He knew that maybe that had been too long but also…also he knew…that he needed to talk when he could trust himself to talk and not sound all weird and stuff…like he had yesterday….if Shimazaki remembered…or maybe he was just pretending not to remember…or something. Sho didn't know.

"A bastard is someone who's parents aren't married and a bitch is a female dog. So therefore I'm a female dog who's parents aren't married." Said Shimazaki

"That makes no sense. Dogs can't get married." Said Sho shaking his head. He would had gone to a dog wedding by now if dogs could get married. That sounded like so much fun. Dogs and puppies and you could play with them…with all the time that he and Shimazaki spent at the dog park he would have noticed, by now, if there had been dog weddings.

"Hey, it's your insult….and for your information dogs can get married. Remember Lady and the Tramp?" asked Shimazaki

"Yeah…we watched that movie the other day…" said Sho. They had watched a lot of movies yesterday, most of them involving dogs. Shimazaki liked dogs. When he had been little, and his mom convinced his dad to let him out of his room, his mom had gotten him a dog to help him get around. The dog had been called Sgt. Pepper and he had died of diabetes because Shimazaki had fed him too much junk food. That had been a sad story. Shimazaki had told him that story while they had been watching 101 Dalmatians. He liked dogs a lot…and if they had been together…like big sis and Hatori were planning on being together….then they could have had one hundred and one of any kind of dog he had wanted…and Sho…

Sho is going to stop thinking about this right now.

"See? And in that movie Lady and Tramp got married so therefore dogs can get married." Said Shimazaki…like he had said something that made sense. They made sense in his head…but not in life…because if that he made sense in real life then…then that just would not have made any sense!

"Wait…that happens in life?" asked Sho. He had never heard of a dog wedding before…and now he just…he wanted dogs to be happy. He wanted all the dogs in the whole world to be happy…but he wanted to be happy too…and dogs were some of the best animals in the world but…but why did they get to be happy and….and he didn't?

"I don't know. I don't see why not. Let everyone be happy." Said Shimazaki with shrug. Like it was simple, just that simple, that dogs could love who they wanted but people…but he….but he couldn't…

"That's dumb." Said Sho. Why did dogs get to marry other dogs but he didn't get to marry…not that he had ever thought of him and Shimazaki…like that. He hadn't ever let himself think past what it would have been like to kiss him…and that was already a lot…and a lot of a lot….and a lot of stuff that he knew that he should not have been thinking about….but he thought about it all the time…

"What do you mean? Are you telling me that dogs don't deserve happiness? Because if that's the case, Suzuki Sho, then I suppose that I'm just going to have to go to the park, collect earthworms, and leave them in Hatori's bed all on my own." said Shimazaki. That sounded like the best time ever…and he still wanted….he still wanted to be friends after all of that. The goldfish in his stomach and the goldfish in his heart were having a contest, it seemed, to see who could swim the hardest….and it was a tie. Shimazaki…he was the coolest guy ever…

Because even after all of that he still wanted to be friends.

He didn't think that Sho was weird or gross or boring. He thought…he thought that Sho was someone cool enough to hang out with…and that was….he folded his hands under his sketchbook. He had to do that. Shimazaki's hands were so close to his and if he wanted to, if he had been feeling stupid and hazy, he could have reached over and done…something really stupid. But now was not the time to be acting stupid and hazy. Now he had to be normal…and stuff. So that was what he was going to do.

He was going to be normal.

"I just meant that it sucks that dogs are allowed to get married but boys aren't allowed to like each other…that's all. It was stupid." Said Sho. He didn't know how to say what he meant without bringing it up, what he had said and how he had felt, and…and Shimazaki hadn't even mentioned it. He was treating Sho like normal….so since he was treating Sho like normal then Sho…he should have made more of an effort to BE normal.

"No, you're right. It would be stupid if we had legally recognized dog marriages in whatever country we end up settling down in, probably Japan since we're Japanese and all, but two guys couldn't get married. I never got that myself but I guess it gets down to the whole bloodline thing." Said Shimazaki

"I hate my fucking bloodline." Said Sho. He looked down at his veins when he said that. Stupid blood. He had too much stupid blood and….if it wasn't for his stupid blood then he could have been happy…or at least…he could have been someone other than himself…

"Hey, you be damn grateful that you didn't have to memorize yours." Said Shimazaki shaking his head. Sho was grateful. Shimazaki had told him about that, about how he had to sit and listen and repeat for hours and hours and hours…and at least his dad never put him through that. He felt bad, feeling bad about how dad was, when Shimazaki's dad had been much worse…and that was just in the stuff that Sho knew about. He knew that there was some stuff that had happened, some stuff that dad had done to him, that even big sis didn't know…and he knew that Shimazaki must have had stories like too…and he knew never to ask about those stories. Shimazaki never asked his so he never asked Shimazaki's.

"I didn't have to memorize mine, and I don't see why anyone would ever have to do something as dumb as that, but it's just….I feel like my whole life…it's like…it's like I just exist because my dad wants to keep the stupid bloodline going and…and I just…it's not fair! I never asked to be a Suzuki and I don't see why it's so important that I am a Suzuki and I don't see why it's so important that I have to make more Suzuki's! I just…wish that I could be…" said Sho. He didn't know how to finish that. He knew what he wanted to say, he wished that he could have been with Shimazaki, but they weren't smoking anything right now….so he had no excuse to go and say something so dumb to his best friend. His best friend who, amazingly enough, was still talking to him after he confessed….though he probably had no idea that Sho had even made a confession.

"Just fuck who you want and fuck who you like." Said Shimazaki. Sho…he felt all of the blood from his body going to his face. He felt dizzy. He felt like running away. He knew what fuck meant…as a verb. He had never used it as a verb before…and neither had Shimazaki. It had always been a noun, like giving a fuck, or an adjective, like how something could be pretty fucking good or pretty fucking bad. Fuck as a verb…he knew what that meant…

And he didn't want to think about that.

Because it was gross. He knew how people fit together, he wasn't a baby, and the whole thing just seemed gross. Fitting together with a girl and then doing….stuff that Sho wasn't sure about….and then she had a baby growing in her stomach….no. Just…gross. Adults were so gross sometimes. He understood kissing and hand holding, those things felt really good, but he didn't understand wanting to take off all of your clothes…and then someone else's clothes and just…

Doing THAT to them.

"Gross." Said Sho. There. He had found a word, the best word, for how he felt in that moment. Gross. Because that was gross. The thought of him doing that with a girl makes him want to throw up….and so does the thought of Shimazaki doing that with a girl…only now he wants to throw up for a different reason….and he knows…that he does that kind of stuff…and he just…wished that he didn't….

"Hey, that is good life advice and I would have been pissing myself in joy if I had heard that advice, best advice you will ever get by the way, when I had been your age. I hadn't figured that out until around the time my dad died. Fuck who you want and fuck who you like. It doesn't matter who you want to fuck, just fuck them, well if they want to fuck you first. Yeah, that's the important part. Remember kid, the worst people in the world are the ones who fuck people who don't want it first. Always ask. Got it?" asked Shimazaki

"I got it…but I am never going to ask anybody in my life…because I don't want to. It's gross." Said Sho. Shimazaki laughed, Sho had no idea what he had been expecting but it hadn't been laughter, and he patted him on the head, which was something else that he hadn't expected…and stuff. He hadn't expected him to pat him on the head and…and he just…his heart was beating fast and that was just because he was surprised. That was all. Surprised and…in love with Shimazaki.

"Yeah, talk to me in a couple years….and take my advice too. Fuck who you want and fuck who you like. Your dad isn't going to live forever and at the end of the day I doubt the Suzuki name is going to die with you…so fuck who you want and fuck who you like. It doesn't matter. As long as you're happy then fuck what your dad or anyone else thinks, ok?" said Shimazaki. Sho…he wished that it were that easy. He wished that he could have been more like Shimazaki. He did whatever he wanted and he did it whenever he wanted…and he had even been able to stand up to his dad and Sho….he could never be like that.

"Yeah…I guess. I don't know. Dad is…dad and…and stuff. I don't know. Do you want to go find worms to put in Hatori's bed now? I bet that if we went to the park we could dig up a bunch….if you want to go with me…I mean….I get it if you don't." said Sho. He knew that he had been weird and…he knew that Shimazaki had been treating him like normal but….but what if he was just…Sho didn't even know. Being nice to him for the sake of being nice to him? Trying to be normal but really he was weirded out? Sho…he didn't know.

He just didn't know.

"Of course I want you to come along, you have tiny hands and worms aren't afraid of you, so come on. Whenever you're done with whatever you were drawing we can dig up some worm and freak Hatori out then we can pet some dogs, smoke again, whatever you want." Said Shimazaki. Sho….he knew what big sis had said. She had said that she had been planning on teaching him about moderation and stuff…but also….also he could learn moderation on his own….

He had to.

Because he liked the hazy feeling and he liked being with Shimazaki and…and he never wanted to say anything that weird to him again…and he would if he smoked too much again and got too hazy…but he could just…not smoke as much…..or stop himself from feeling hazy….because Sho wanted nothing more than to be there, with Shimazaki, doing whatever it was that he wanted to do…even if it was something that big sis had told him not to do.

"Shimazaki…ok. I'm done with my drawing now. Come on, let's go." said Sho. He put his sketchbook down. The blackbirds had flown away a long time ago. He could draw them from memory later….after he made more memories from Shimazaki. He couldn't believe that he had ever thought that Shimazaki would have wanted to stop being friends. Shimazaki wasn't like that. He was…he wasn't like that. He was nice. He was the nicest, coolest, most fun person that Sho had ever met…and he was so happy to be his friend…

Even if he could never feel the same way…and even if he couldn't draw….Sho was just so happy that they could be friends like normal.