May 9th, Thursday
1730 hours
Dr. Alana's office
(41 days' radio silence since last text message; 86 days since first text message)
"Hello Commander, welcome back. How have you been?" he asks, looking at his notes to confirm his suspicions. "It's been a while since you came. Is everything all right?"
"Yes, everything is all right. I just needed to talk to a neutral party to help me make sense of a few things. You know, get my thoughts into shape."
"OK, so, what's been going on? Have you finally gotten news from the woman that makes your heart beat faster?"
Steve stares at Dr. Alana, in mild amusement, and realises how right he is. She does. "No, not really. She's still AWOL. But the problem is exactly that. I don't feel like I used to anymore and I don't know what that means."
"How did you use to feel before?" Dr. Alana straightens up in his chair, curious.
"An urgency, like I needed to find out why she'd sent me away, but right at that moment. I wanted her in my life, today. Immediately. But now… why have I stopped thinking of her all the time? Have I gotten used to the idea that I'll never get her back, even if it's just to finally talk things over? Could it be that I didn't really want her back, that this was all a deceit? Did I just imagine myself in love all this time, but deep down, I'm ready to give her up? I've been wondering and it's been killing me, Doc. I don't know what all this means."
Dr. Alana smiles, finally understanding Steve. "Oh, I see. You're afraid Lieutenant Rollins was a mere flight of fancy, after all this time. An idea that you hung on to, to justify not wanting to meet other women and move on with your life in other departments, too…?"
"Something like that."
"Commander, you've known each other for, what? 10 years?"
"Oh, more than that. I was like 22 when I met her. I'm 43 now, you do the math."
"And taking into consideration that you are a highly accomplished individual, who knows what he wants and doesn't want, why do you doubt yourself, at this point?"
"I told you, I don't think about her the same way I used to. Frankly, it scares me. I don't know what it means."
"Exactly the opposite of what you're thinking, Commander."
"What? The opposite? How?"
"You're afraid, you are sure that you'll get hurt, if and when Lieutenant Rollins comes back. You told me so yourself in a previous session. So, what do people do, when they perceive danger?"
"They… run away?"
"No, Commander. They avoid it. Like the plague. They try to protect themselves, so that the hurt, the pain, can be lessened. It's a defense mechanism. You've just managed to find a way to protect your feelings and reroute that pain into something you can deal with later, when you're alone. You're effectively desensitizing your brain to the pain you believe is coming. Like muting the sound on your TV. To lessen the feelings, because every day that goes by, and she doesn't reach out to you, is another day where your mind wanders. Does it not?"
"Wander?"
"To possibilities, Commander. When you think of Lieutenant Rollins, what are your greatest fears?"
"That she may never get in touch with me again, never come back, leave this thing between us open-ended. That I'll be left wondering why. That she may find someone else and be happy with him. That she may get killed in her crazy dangerous job. That I'll never, ever again get to tell her I love her, kiss her, make love to her. That I'll have to go on without her."
"And you think your brain and your adrenaline-pumping system can cope with that much suffering every day… without finding a way to relent? To lessen the pain?"
"I don't know, Doc! All I know is that things have changed."
"It's a good thing too, otherwise you'd be running yourself ragged and you have a dangerous job to do. Tell me something – what happens when you go home?"
Steve pauses, thinking back to his nightmares. "That's another matter entirely. I've gone back to waking up in the small hours of the night, always startled, always having nightmares about finding her somewhere dead… it's awful. I can feel her warm body, her smell wafting up to my nostrils, her hair grazing my face… but her clothes are soaked-through with blood and no matter what I do, she always dies in my arms. Then, I wake up in a cold sweat and no more sleep for me. I've tortured myself with the thought that perhaps this is a premonitory nightmare, but…"
"That sounds horrible, Commander, and we'll talk about it in a minute, but first, let me ask you a question: do you think that if you had started to forget about her, you would have such vivid nightmares?"
"I don't know! You're trying to reason with me, Doc, but I'm beyond reason, by now," Steve says, smiling.
"Of course not, Commander, your reactions are perfectly normal. You're… tormented by something. And until we can dissect that fear and find ways to cope, it'll keep coming. But we'll deal with this together, OK?"
"Thanks, Doc."
"OK. Tell me – if Lieutenant Rollins had perished… would you not know?"
"Of course I would! Her parents would eventually call and tell me."
"OK, so… can we assume, at this point, that she's most likely alive?" Dr. Alana says, surprising Steve with his logical reasoning.
"Err…. I guess…"
"Facts, Commander. Don't let your mind wander to dark places, just because Lieutenant Rollins hasn't answered your texts and calls. Did you call her mother?"
"Yes, a couple weeks ago. She didn't know where Catherine was, in fact, she hadn't spoken to her in a few weeks."
"So why is your previous theory about her not having access to her personal phone while in the field not satisfying you anymore?"
"It's been too long, Doc. I need to know she's OK."
"But that may take time. Meanwhile, you can't torture yourself like this. Please, reason with yourself and don't let your mind go to those dark places, OK? What else tortures you?"
"That I'll meet an ignominious end – alone, childless – and without her."
"Why the bleak outlook? First of all, not having children is not the end of the world. But OK, you think you may come to regret not taking that step, which carries so many potential rewards. Would you still think the same way if the potential mother was, say, your last girlfriend?"
Steve is taken by surprise. "I, uh… I'd never thought of that, actually."
"So, you see, it's the mother and the potential of a life together that you crave, not the loss of a would-be child. Not to mention that the two of you still have time. What I mean is, you're getting ahead of yourself."
"I guess."
"Tell me something. How long can a mission with the CIA last?"
"Years."
"No, I mean, without the agent touching base with family and friends."
"I've never belonged to the Agency, so I'm not sure, but some missions are long-term."
"Would you be able to find out anything about Lieutenant Rollin's mission?"
"No, if I thought I could get information on her whereabouts, you think I wouldn't have, by now?"
Dr. Alana smiles, knowingly. "Of course you would've, Commander, of course you would've."