Mob didn't have a bedtime.
She usually went to bed around midnight and woke up around six. Sometimes she went to bed earlier but she always got up around six so she could make dad his breakfast. He didn't know how to cook…well not really. She remembered that, once, when she had been little he had made porridge but it must not have been very good if she couldn't remember it clearly. Dad didn't cook but that was ok because cooking for the family was her job…even though Sho just wanted to eat poptarts with the frosting licked of first…and she would have to order more poptarts because in a week he had managed to eat four family sized boxes of them….and she had just ordered food….but she could order more. It wasn't like she had to worry about money or anything.
No, dad worried about the money.
They were a team, her and dad, because he was the dad and she was the Daughter. Because he was the boy and she was the girl. She was the one who cooked and cleaned and made sure that everyone had clean clothes and stuff. Dad was the one who made the money and kept a roof over their heads. He took care of her and she took care of Sho…and that was how their family worked. She was the mom now, sort of, and she had to do all the things that a mom had to do…and she could do them just fine. It just seemed, as time went on, that she had more and more to do….but that was just because she was getting older and the older you got the more you had to do….because you could handle more…and it was like…with every birthday came a promotion.
Which she could handle.
She could handle this and she was handling this. She just had to….well she hadn't homeschooled Sho in a very long time, only people who went to school got summer break and since they were homeschooled they did not, and then she had to figure out how to get Sho to actually get in the bathtub without having to get in there with him, and then she had to figure out how to get him to eat a piece of fruit since the fruit inside of poptarts didn't count, and then she had to figure out how to get Shimazaki to stop, or at least slow down on, smoking with Sho since Sho had managed to eat all of those poptarts...but he had stopped kicking in his sleep and he hadn't wet the bed in a while….but still. She had to figure out her own complicated feelings about Sho smoking and she had to wash her own hair at some point, that always took a while, and then she had to order dad another shirt because she had accidentally burnt one of his ironing and also she had to figure out some fruits that dad could eat besides grapefruits because Sho was so allergic to citrus that he turned red just from the grapefruit juice that had been on the table…and he refused to go and see Fukuda since he had been a betrayer so she had to figure out how to fix his allergic reactions on her own…and she had to figure out her complicate relationship with Fukuda because he….he made her feel gross and he had betrayed Sho but also he took good care of Sho, especially on away missions, and that was important…and she had to figure out what she was going to wear besides this sweater since it was so hot out and….
She took another drag off of her pen.
It was better in this country, she decided, because it as legal here and stuff.
That was important. Shimazaki said that everything in Tokyo sucked because of how illegal it was. Very hard to come by and when you did it costed a lot of money…or you had to steal from some very dangerous people and Mob didn't want him stealing from any people at all dangerous or not. She had no idea where this came from….and she was not going to ask. Shimazaki was Shimazaki and sometimes it was better to just not ask. She had enough to worry about as it was…but smoking was helpful for that.
She felt better.
Less…like everything was getting put on top of her. Like she had a backpack on and in the backpack all of the things that she had to do were stuffed inside and when one backpack got full another one was put on her back….and another one…and another one. She felt…lighter. Her head at least felt lighter. Maybe this was why she didn't want Sho to do this. She didn't want him to have enough in his backpack that he had to do this. She wanted him to not have a backpack at all…but he did have a backpack…and it was full of dad's meanness…..and also he had a real backpack and it was full of rocks and she had no idea what he was going to do with those rocks…and she hoped that he wasn't planning on throwing them at people….because that wasn't ok and…and he was just….he was a good person but sometimes he did bad things and….and stuff.
But that was ok because she could just….figure out something else that he could do with the rocks.
She inhaled again. This tasted like….hash oil. It was supposed to taste like cookies but this was just hash oil. She liked the kinds that tasted like citrus, tangy was very good, and not just because citrus was the forbidden fruit in her house. Citrus covered the taste of the hash oil very well. It covered the smell of it too. That was why she was smoking outside. She knew that she was allowed to smoke but when she smoked in the house, well when she had been smoking cigarettes in the house, dad had noticed and…and she loved dad but….
But she needed a little bit of time to herself.
Which was mean. Dad needed her. Dad was lonely, she got the feeling anyway, and he needed to be with her. That was why he was clingy and he smothered her….and she didn't want to be smothered…but she didn't want him to be lonely, either. She loved her dad a lot and…and she just wanted him to be happy and…and he had Hatori to hang out with but he had told her before that she was his favorite person, his most perfect person, so he liked hanging out with her best…so was it wrong, then, for her to want to be away from him?
She didn't know.
She inhaled again. She knew that dad was still awake, she could feel him moving around, and she wondered if Hatori was going to come over again. He and dad were friends…and she liked that he was friends with dad…and she liked that dad had someone new to hang out with…but him being in the house where she slept and lived and tried to sleep and live…it was….it made her feel….weird. So weird. That weird, and sort of gross, feeling that she got sometimes. It hadn't been gross before, just weird and confusing, but now it was gross. Even now she felt gross just thinking about it, about him, about what it would have been like have been near him. About how she would have offered him her pen…and he would have taken it….
And she needs to stop thinking about this.
She needs to stop thinking about how much taller than her Hatori is. She needs to stop thinking about how he always smells so good…even if he did stop using so much body spray…and she needs to stop thinking about how she wants to be close enough to him to be able to tell which kind of body spray he had used today…and she has to stop thinking about how pretty his eyes were behind his glasses…and she has to stop thinking about how his sweaters always look so soft…and she has to stop thinking about how he always wears t-shirts under his sweaters with funny stuff on them or characters from games or logos or….she needs to stop thinking about how she has no idea what shirt he had been wearing today…and she needs to stop thinking about how close her room was to the kitchen and how he could have gotten up and just walked to her room…and how she should have been in her room…and how she could have been in her house and how she should have been in her house and-
And she feels gross.
She feels gross for having thought about any of that. She also feels gross because the nights are hot, now, and she's wearing her sweater. She feels gross because she just…had been thinking gross thoughts. She feels embarrassed, too, because she had been thinking about doing embarrassing things. Gross and embarrassing things and if Hatori had known what sort of things had been running through her head then he would have hidden in the bathroom and never come out….and she just…she wished that she could stop thinking about things like this…
She inhaled again.
She coughed as she exhaled. That had been too much at once. Now her throat was all red and raw…and she had barely even held it in her lungs. What a waste. She could see the cloud of smoke trailing off into the summer breeze…like the song, summer breeze makes me feel fine….that was a nice song. Shimazaki had been singing it. Not a Beatles song, honestly she was getting sick of them with how often Sho was playing their music, and it had been both a pretty song and a nice change of pace…and stuff. He was good at music, knowing about it, and stuff. He always had cool music to show her…and maybe if she felt like…like crossing the yard he could have had some more music to show her…
The thoughts about Shimazaki were the worst.
She stopped thinking about him the moment she realized that she even HAD been thinking about him. At least it made sense with Hatori, she had been ready to be his girlfriend if he had even asked….before the party that is, but Shimazaki….yuck. All the yuck. She didn't want to kiss him or be his girlfriend and also he was in love with Minegishi…so why did she feel weird around him sometimes? Even before Fukuda had said what he had said. Well now she felt gross when she thought about…stuff….but even before that sometimes she just…felt weird around him….like…she didn't even now. All warm inside and also that weird tingly feeling like being on pins and needles…but in a good way. of course those feeling went away once he started talking and she remembered who he was. That he was Shimazaki, he acted like a crazy person all of the time, and he was in love with Minegishi. So this wasn't love, it wasn't anything close to love…
But it was something.
Something that she just…wished that someone could explain to her. She knew that she got this feeling when she was near boys…and when she even thought about boys….and not even specific boys. Sometimes she just laid up in bed and thought about what it would have been like if a boy loved her and wanted to hold her and kiss her and also…sometimes…sometimes she thought about that stuff Minori told her about. About how boys could feel up your shirt…and of course she stopped thinking about that stuff the minute she realized that she was thinking about that. She didn't want to do that….she couldn't want to do that…and she just…she didn't want to think about all of that when she was at home with her family…and also she shared a room with her little brother…so, yeah, not the time or the place. Not that anywhere was the time or the place for thoughts like that. That was just….all of that.
All of that weird and confusing stuff.
She didn't know what this was, where it had come from, and how to make it go away. She knew that she wanted to kiss someone…but she had been wanting that for a while. She wished that she'd had a mom. Well she did have a mom but she wished that her mom had been around. She could have asked mom about this….about all of this. She loved Minegishi, she did, but they weren't her mom. They were her friend and…and they had been good at teaching her how to shave her legs…but this….different. This was about a whole other thing…and a whole other place…and a whole other place that she did not want to talk to her best friend about. Mom…mom was her mom and she had given her baths and stuff….and she just….she would have known and she could have helped with so much and…and Mob….
She inhaled again.
Harder, this time, much harder. She coughed. The coughing was good. The coughing took her mind off of mom and…and how she had been just a little bit mad at her about…about everything. About how she had gone without telling Mob…anything. Not the little things like how to shave her legs or what she was supposed to do about all the rest of it….and stuff. The big things, too, like why she thought about kissing boys that she wasn't in love with and what she was supposed to do about all of this. Even stuff about taking care of the house, too, like how she was supposed to get Sho to do his homeschool work and how she was supposed to get him to get into the actual tub to take an actual bath without getting in there with him and-
And she could handle this.
She inhaled again. She would be done after this…she had to be. She could feel dad's aura, she could feel him getting closer, and he probably wanted to talk to her again. He had been talking to her outside of Sundays a lot…and that was nice….but also maybe he was getting ready to get back to smothering her…and she didn't really want to be smothered. She wanted them to be…well not friends since he was her dad….but as close to friends as a dad and a Daughter could be…but dad didn't know how to do that. He only knew how to give you some of his love or none of his love and that…that was just how it went in their family. She just…she got all of his love…even though she had no idea what to do with all of it. Even though she wished that he knew how to share his love so he could just…be nicer to Sho. Even though she wished for…for so many things…and she just….
She put her pen back into her skirt pocket.
She heard the back door open. She watched dad step out. He held his shoes in his hands and slipped them on as soon as he walked outside. He was just in his undershirt and pants, he was done being the President for the day, and now he was just dad. He was dad and she was Daughter and she knew that she loved him but….but she really hoped that he hadn't come out there to tell her that she needed to make him middle of the night breakfast again or anything like that….but if he asked her to then she would…because when you loved someone you had to take care of them…and stuff.
And she loved her dad very much.
"Hi dad." Said Mob. She put her hand over the pen in her pocket even though she knew that she was allowed to smoke. Maybe it was just an old habit. Maybe dad saw a difference between smoking a cigarette and smoking hash oil. Maybe he just wouldn't care because he loved her and he let her do anything she wanted…mostly. She didn't know. He was hard to figure out sometimes.
"Hello Daughter." Said Suzuki. He wasn't sure what else he could say to her. He had felt her outside for some time now and he had grown concerned…but here she was safe and sound…and now he could go inside…but he didn't want to go inside. He wanted to be near her. Sometimes it felt like Sunday would never come…and he didn't want to harm her…but he also just….didn't want to be apart from her.
"Hi dad." Said Mob for lack of anything else meaningful to say. He was just standing there, she didn't have a lot to work with, and that had been a mean thought for her to have. She felt dad's aura…all closed in…and she had no idea what was bothering him…or if his aura was just being weird. He loved her, she loved him, and she…she wanted to be near him….but she also just…she felt like being alone and…and she knew that wanting to be alone was mean but…but she had been very mean lately so what was a little more meanness and…and that had been mean to even think.
"You already said that." Said Suzuki. He regretted it the moment those words had left his mouth. He loved her and he loved hearing her speak to him. He had just been…he didn't know. That was not the way to speak to his Daughter.
"I know. I said it again." said Mob. She knew that she should have come up with something else to say but…but she just….didn't feel like talking…and that was mean. If her dad wanted to talk to her, and it looked like he did, then she should have talked to him and…and it wasn't even Sunday and…and she still should have talked to her dad whenever he wanted to talk to her. She had to be nice to him, he was her dad, and it was summer. He got…weird…during the summers. Weirder than normal…but that was also not a very nice thing to think about him.
"Why?" asked Suzuki. He shouldn't have been annoyed by her repeating herself. He shouldn't have drawn attention to…to what she had said. He should have just been happy to…to speak to her…and he should have just been…happy to be near her. Better to be near to her, now, than to be sitting alone in his room with it's too big bed and…and everything really. Maybe he should just give the children the bigger bedroom next time they moved. They needed the space. He and Daughter could have the big bedroom, later, when she was an adult and she stopped sharing with her brother. She'd be too old to share with him, by that time, to share a room with her younger brother.
"Because I wanted to. I couldn't think of anything else to say." Said Mob. She still didn't want to talk…she didn't want to talk but she just…she had to talk to dad because he wanted to talk to her and…and stuff.
"Oh." Said Suzuki. That made sense…and he was happy to have heard anything from her at all. He was happy to have been able to stand there and speak to her, his Daughter, the most perfect person in his life…that was physically in his life…and that was there for him…in all ways. She was there and…and he just…needed to be near her.
"Are you ok?" asked Mob. His aura was being all pulled in and…and he might not have been ok. He might have needed her to do something or to be there for him. It was summer. It was summer and he always got weird during the summers.
"Yes." said Suzuki. He was fine. He was…he wanted to pick her up and hold her close, despite the fact that she smelled just godawful, and he wanted to kiss her…and he wanted nothing more than to keep her by his side forever…but he was ok.
"Do you need something, dad? Do you want me to make you dinner? Or do you need me to set out your clothes for tomorrow? Are you having trouble finding your shirts? Because I put them in a drawer this time so they wouldn't get wrinkled." asked Mob
"No. I don't need anything." said Suzuki. He needed to hold her. He needed to pick her up and hold her close. He needed to hold her and kiss her and never let go. He loved her so much…and she wanted…she wanted to be near him…right? She loved him and she wanted to be near him and…and she was not going to just…he would not turn around and she would be gone. He would not wake up in the morning to…to her things there and her gone…and Son hungry…and just…she wanted to be near him and he…he would always be near her and….and this was alright. Him needing her like this…this was…this was alright.
"Then why are you out here?" asked Mob. That came out mean…and she wished that she could have just taken it back the moment she said it…and she didn't want to be mean to her dad. She loved him so much and…and he was just trying to be near her…and he loved her…so she should have been nice to him.
"I can be outside if I want to." Said Suzuki. He could be wherever he wanted to and…and he wanted…he wanted to be outside and…and he didn't need to explain himself to her…but she deserved an explanation and…and he loved her. He loved her and if she told him 'Touichirou. Explain.'…or rather…'Father. Explain.' Yes, because he was her father and she would never call him by his given name…but he would explain if she asked him to…even though he owed her no…if she decided that he owed her an explanation then…then he owed her an explanation.
"I know. I just wanted to know why you're outside. You never hang out outside." Said Mob. Dad should have been in bed unwinding for the night with a cup of tea and a documentary or Minecraft or Terraria or that Space invaders game he loved…or also he and Hatori had started something new but she couldn't remember what…but he should have either been with Hatori or in his room…and she loved him but…but she had to unwind before bed. She had to finish smoking until she felt better and she couldn't think as much about stuff and then she could have gone to bed and then started her day all over again from the beginning.
"I just…wanted to be near you. You aren't usually out here at night either." Said Suzuki. He had felt her earlier and he had told himself over and over again to wait until Sunday before he spoke to her, because that was their day after all, but he just…had to be near her. He just needed to see her, he had told himself, he had just needed to see her and be near her and just to….to hear her voice….and he had thought that once he saw her and had been near her and had heard her voice then he would have been able to get on with his night…but now…now that he was beside her…he just…could not leave her side.
"I was just vaping, that's all, and you said I could…well you said that I could smoke but smoking and vaping are the same thing." Said Mob. They weren't, not really, because they made you feel two totally different things…but also they both went down your throat and into your lungs and…and that sort of the same…so she wasn't lying. She couldn't lie to her dad. He was her dad.
"What's that?" asked Suzuki. He had heard that word before, his second friend was twenty years old so he was hearing a lot of new words every day, but he had no idea what it meant. From context he could guess that it was a kind of smoking…which meant that she was doing two kinds of smoking…when he wanted her to be doing no kinds of smoking. Not that he would stop her or anything like that. Some people smoked and she was just…one of those people…and it wasn't for him to understand why. This was just…a thing that she did sometimes…and that she apparently had no intentions of stopping since she had taken up a second kind of smoking in addition to the first kind she had been doing.
"It's like smoking but not with cigarettes….but it's still smoking and you said that I could smoke." Said Mob quickly. She didn't want to get in trouble…if she even could still get in trouble…and she didn't want dad to tell her that she couldn't. She would have hated going behind his back and stuff.
"I did…you're right…but do you have to?" asked Suzuki. He so wished she would stop. It was a terrible habit and one he had never understood. It smelled terrible, and now he knew what the smell that clung to her was, and it tasted terrible and…and he just did not understand it. Masami had not…she had not indulged in this…either. Both of them had found the habit disdainful…but Daughter was not Masami. She was in some ways better but…but she was also herself…..and he loved her. He loved her smoking and all.
"Yes." said Mob. She had to, she really did, and even if he decided that she wasn't allowed to she would. She had to feel better, she had to make herself feel better, and she had to feel better so she could make the rest of her family feel better.
"Alright then….are you finished? It's…hot…out here and you could get heat stroke." Said Suzuki. Especially since she was in that sweater. He had no idea if she was following some sort of fashion or had trouble regulating her body temperature…and he wasn't going to ask. Criticizing a woman's appearance was VERY dangerous ground and he didn't want to upset Daughter. She was beautiful in anything anyway.
"No, not yet. You can go back inside if you want to." Said Mob. She wanted dad to go back inside…and she loved him…and she wanted him to be there with her but…but she also wanted to be alone. She always wanted to be…she wanted to be alone and she wanted to be with him…and she wanted to be with her friends…and her brother…and she wanted her mom. She really wanted her mom but mom was not there and…and she wanted…to be…alone.
"No…I think….that I'll stay out here with you…in case you…need me." Said Suzuki. Need me. Please need me. He needed….he needed her to need him. If she needed him then…then she would never leave him…and she needed him now. She needed him now. She needed him now and she would need him until…until she didn't. Until he woke up one morning and she was gone and he was all alone and…and he would never see her again. He would wake up and she would be gone and he wouldn't even be able to see….to see her face or to hear her voice and…and he would look back at this time and think…think that these times were the…the best times of his life…the times that he had with her.
"I'm just going to be vaping, dad, I won't need help with that." Said Mob. She wanted to be alone and…and she didn't know what…what she wanted. Well she didn't know what she wanted. She wanted to vape and she wanted to be alone and she wanted to be with dad and she wanted to be…she didn't know what she wanted to be…besides stoned…which she knew that she should not have been….but she wanted to be…and she knew that she did not want to be in front of her dad…so she didn't know…what she wanted to be.
"Yes but….you are very small and…and so much could happen to you." Said Suzuki. He had no idea how to say it. That the world was so big, they both knew how big the world could be, and that she was so small. She could have gotten lost in it, swallowed up in it, he could have turned his head and she…she would have been gone from his life forever.
"Um…ok. Sure…dad. You can stay….I guess…but I'm going to be vaping." Said Mob. She had no idea what she thought was going to happen to her standing out in her back yard vaping. She could take care of herself. She took care of everyone else already and…and she just…she had been thinking mean thoughts again.
"I'm aware. I have no idea why you want to but I'm aware of what you'll be doing." Said Suzuki. He watched her. She was there and…and she was taller. When had she gotten taller? Or had she always been that height and he had just never noticed. He didn't know. He just knew….knew that she was older…she was older and she was going to keep on getting older…and he wanted…he wanted her to grow up quicker and also…also he wanted her to stay small and…and he didn't know. When she was older then they could be together, truly together, but now they could be together too and…and he had no idea what he wanted.
Well he wanted her to stop smoking.
She took a curious looking device from her pocket. He watched as she slowly put the device to her mouth, held down a button, and inhaled. She held it in her mouth and then exhaled slowly. Her exhale was punctuated by a cough…and he did not understand. He did not understand why she would do that to herself. She coughed and…and that smelled just godawful…and he just…did not understand.
"Dad? You don't have to be here while I do this." said Mob. Dad had been staring at her for a while…and she felt so…not gross but…weird. Just so weird being stared at while she did this. She knew that she was allowed but…but also she felt like she was doing something wrong….and that made no sense.
"I want to be. I want to be near you and…and I want to understand, too, why you do that. I've never been able to understand smoking of any kind." Said Suzuki. He had been young, older than her but still young, when he and Fukuda had found a pack of cigarettes and tried smoking. Their conclusion had been that it smelled and tasted terrible, and had been a waste of time. They had tried again in high school and then university….well that had been a different kind of smoking…and the rest of that night was something that he wished that he could remember…and he was also so glad that he had forgotten.
"You've never smoked once in your life? But you're forty four." Said Mob. Well she hadn't ever imagined dad smoking and she knew that he hated it but she had thought that this was just something that adults did at least once.
"I know what age I am. I have smoked…I've just never enjoyed it. I've never understood the point of it." Said Suzuki. He wondered what she did all of that for, what vaping was like too, and why she enjoyed it. Was it different from smoking? And why did her generation have to make the whole thing so…complicated? It seemed as though her generation had taken everything that his generation had enjoyed and made it more complicated than it needed to be. Phone calls, television, videogames, smoking, even sex…though she didn't even know what that was…thank God…and she didn't need to know…and he did not want to think about that terrible little eventuality. He had enough to deal with now that she was smoking…and if she smoked every second of every day and decided that sex would get in the way of her smoking time then he would be a happy man…well he wanted grandchildren but…science would remove the need for sex…well it had…but a man was still involved…so maybe invest in cloning? So he could have another version of Shigeko to have….or something. He didn't know. He would put a pin in it.
"The point is to feel good….I guess. I don't know. I like it. I can stop." Said Mob. Dad was looking at her, now, and she wanted to tuck her pen away…also she was really just…not sure what to do.
"You don't have to. I don't mind…much. I'm getting used to this. You….doing this. Growing up. I love you and…and I am…alright with this. With you smoking. I don't understand…I don't understand smoking…and I've never vaped in my life…and your generation made even smoking complicated…" said Suzuki
"It's not, you just hold down the button and inhale. It's not much different than normal smoking….only nothing's on fire." Said Mob
"I supposed that's safer…so how does that work? Is it just a heating element and then you inhale that…what even is that?" asked Suzuki
"Hash oil…if that's ok." Said Mob. She knew that kids were not supposed to do this….but she wasn't going to lie to her dad…and he was interested in what she was doing and…and he wanted to…to know about her and Mob and…and who she was as Mob and not who she was as Daughter. He was talking to her like…like she was Mob…or whatever.
"Do you have to smoke it?" asked Suzuki. He had no idea what hash oil was but he knew that she should not have been smoking…but people smoked all the time and…and that was just a thing that people did which he did not understand. That was fine. There were more things he didn't understand about other people than things that he did.
"Yes." said Mob. She had to. She needed this. She needed to do this and…and she knew that she should not have…but she just…she needed to do this. Dad would understand….and even if he didn't he wouldn't stop her.
"Then it's alright. I don't understand it, I don't understand it one bit, but I'm not going to stop you." Said Suzuki. He would make her happy. He would do whatever she wanted to make her happy. She was his. She was his and he was hers. They were…whatever they were…together. Parent and child. Partners in this, too, this household. He took care of her and she took care of him and they….they took care of each other…and she was not a child anymore. She was not…she was and was not a child anymore. He didn't know…but he did know that she was his and he was hers and she wanted him to be happy…and it was such a gift to have someone who wanted to make him happy…and he wanted to make her happy right back…and if that was what she needed to be happy then so be it.
"Oh…did you want to try?" asked Mob. She knew that he wanted to understand things when he didn't understand them…and she wanted him to understand her…and she wanted….she didn't know what she wanted. Her thoughts were slippery. Her thoughts were slippery and she just…wanted dad to understand her for…for who she was and not for….not for…not as Daughter but as Mob and…and things like that. She didn't know.
"Me?" asked Suzuki. He did not want to try. He didn't want to but…but she was showing him her life, there, a piece of it…and he just…there had been so many pieces to Masami that he had never seen. So much of her that he hadn't been able to understand…so many things that she hadn't even tried to…to show him to….to…so…so that he could understand her and…and he understood…he understood that there was so much that he didn't understand…but that he wanted to.
"Yeah…I mean not if that's weird. I just…thought that you would want to." Said Mob. Maybe it was weird. It seemed weird the more that she thought about it…because she had not been thinking about it…not too deeply….but now the more deeply she thought about it…the weirder it seemed…and maybe she was thinking too much and…and she didn't know. She just wanted….she didn't know what she wanted.
"I…yes. Alright." Said Suzuki. He didn't want to, he really didn't want to, but if she was willing to share her life with him then…then he was going to let her share her life with him. There had been so much in her life that he had missed…it felt like…like she was a house and there were doors to her that he had never even opened. There with things about her that he didn't know…and things about her that he didn't know that he didn't know….and he just…he was not going to wake up one morning and find that she had gone from his life forever with so many of her doors unopened.
"Ok. Here, just hold down the button and inhale…but not too deep or too fast. Smooth, always smooth…and not too much…and don't be mad at me if you don't like it." Said Mob. This wasn't weird because dad wanted to…he wanted to do this…and this wasn't weird at all. OK, it was weird…and it was weird in a way that made her…she smiled…she smiled because this was so weird and…and weird stuff was funny and…and she liked funny stuff…but she didn't laugh. Well she tried not to laugh.
"What's funny?" asked Suzuki. He could see it in her aura. She was happy. She was happy and he…he was happy too….to be able to share in her happiness with her. Her aura…the way it sort of…bent and…it was here and there…and she was smiling, too, and he loved her little smiles…he loved everything about her.
"Nothing just….you're smoking with me…and I never thought that you would smoke with me." Said Mob. She smiled and laughed a little, at that, and dad…he was smiling. Well he never smiled like normal but he smiled with his aura, gave her the feeling that she was happy, and she liked him best when he was happy. She leaned in and hugged him. He was still smiling even though he had gone all rigid…but he just did that when she touched him. She shouldn't have hugged him so suddenly. She shouldn't have…she tried to pull away…
But he held her there.
He held her there and kissed the top of her head. He held her close, so close, and she held him right back. Dad was so soft and warm…and his t-shirt was very soft…and she loved him so much…and she didn't know why she had wanted to be alone when she had someone there who loved her…and she loved him…and she just….she just…let him hug her and she hugged him.
"I love you more than anything." Said Suzuki as he held his Daughter. She smelled terrible, so terrible, but he loved her so much…so very much. So he would hold her even though she smelled….just godawful.
"I love you, dad, and thanks…for doing this with me…and for not being mad at me. I thought that you would be mad at me for smoking and stuff…and I'm so happy that you aren't." said Mob. She let go of dad. He kissed her on the top of the head as she pulled away.
"I could never be angry with you for any reason…least of all this." Said Suzuki before he did as she said, before, and the process was simple enough…though the result was just as terrible as every other attempt at smoking he had ever made at any point in his forty four years of life…and that had been…worse…if that was even possible. He had no idea why her generation had not only made the act of smoking more complicated but also, somehow, even worse….so much worse. There was a taste of…he had no idea…but it was familiar…but maybe that was because this smell clung to her and he recognized it…and…or maybe he knew it from something else…he didn't even know what else…but he knew…well he didn't know what he knew…aside from the fact that he knew for a fact that he did not like this at all.
He gave Daughter back her…whatever it was.
"Dad….are you ok?" asked Mob. He was making the same face that he made when he tried something sweet. She took her pen back. That had been so…that had been sort of funny…but she should not have been….but it was funny…and stuff. But she had to stop laughing. With her aura. She had to be calm and…and dad had made such a funny face.
"That was terrible and I have no idea why you would do that to yourself." Said Suzuki. He may have spoken too harshly. He may have spoken too harshly because her aura…it had stopped laughing…and he wanted nothing more than to see her laugh and hear her laugh and feel her laugh and…and he loved her so much….he loved her more than words could express.
"Ok…I'm sorry. Are you mad at me?" asked Mob. Dad reached over and took her hand in his.
"No. I could never be upset with you in any way, shape, or form. You are my Daughter and I love you and…and I never want to do that again…but I love you." said Suzuki as he took her hand in his. Her hand was so small in his…and she was bigger now…but her hand was so small in his. Would it always be this small it his? Even when she grew up? Would she always be so small? She was so…so small…and so perfect…and so….so her.
"Ok…you don't have to do this again, though, smoking. Um…and if you want me to sleep with you then we can and…and um….we can watch something that you want to watch…if you want us to." Said Mob. She wanted dad to be happy. She wanted dad to be happy and she wanted to be with him and…and she also wanted to finish up here…and she just…she wanted to be with dad but…but she also wanted to be alone for a little bit…too.
"I…would love that more than you will ever know…and also I am very…I'm going inside." Said Suzuki. He let go of her hand. He let go of her hand and took a step back. She was small and perfect and his and…and he felt his aura…her aura…he needed a moment. He needed a moment and a drink and…and why wasn't he calm? His control was slipping….and also he was suddenly very thirsty…and he just needed…to lay down….with her…for a moment…or many moments. All the moments. All the moments in the world.
"Ok dad….I'll be there in a minute." Said Mob. Dad kissed her on the top of the head and…and his aura was weird…and she didn't know. She was confused a little bit because she had never seen so much yellow in his aura before….and she wanted to know why and…and stuff. She didn't know. She just knew that she needed to finish and then she could go to sleep and….stuff.
She could go to sleep.
After she and dad cuddled for a little bit. They could cuddle and watch TV and…and she wanted to be near him. She wanted to be near him and…and she maybe wanted to be alone too and…and there were a lot of things that she wanted and…and a lot of things that she couldn't understand…so many things that she wanted to understand…so many things that she just…had trouble understanding….and things that…that were very hard to understand…
But she could understand everything later, after bedtime.