Sometimes it was best to get things over with.
"Hatori….I like you a lot. Not as….I don't know if I want to be your girlfriend but….but I want to kiss you…and I want you to kiss me…and also you can feel me up if you want…because my friend Minori said that boys loved doing that. So you can do that to me…and stuff. Ok?" said Mob. She played with her hair while she said that. She had to do something. She just had to move or do something because she had just confessed, sort of, and now he KNEW and now he would…she didn't know what he was going to do…
He took her hand.
"I like you too. I think that you're really pretty, Mob, especially in blue. I don't think that it makes you look like a sick ghost at all. Also I think that you look really pretty in your Elsa dress and I'm glad that you found one that fits." Said Hatori
"You noticed." Said Mob. She laughed and looked down. He was HOLDING her HAND and…and it was just…wow. He was holding her hand and he noticed that she found an Elsa dress that fit and he thought that she was pretty…he was so great…so maybe she could be his girlfriend….
"I notice all kinds of things about you. I notice how you're always thinking about your brother and your dad and your friends and how you do so much. I notice how you're always so nice to me even though a lot of other people aren't. It means a lot to me when you defend me from Shimazaki. I love how you're always there for me." Said Hatori. He brought her hand up to his mouth…and he kissed it…and she felt so….good.
Not gross.
The gross feeling was gone and now she just felt good. She felt…she didn't need to hide in her sweater because she didn't need to wear her sweater. She was getting…the good feeling again…and that was ok because it was just her and Hatori in…this room. She wasn't sure if this was his room or her room. They were just…in a room. All the rooms looked alike. It didn't matter. She just…she was just happy to be there…wherever 'there' was…because she was with Hatori and he was holding her hand and kissing it like…like on TV…..or in a movie….
This whole thing felt like a movie. It was that perfect.
"I-I…I…um…" said Mob. He was sitting so close to her and she was so close to him…and it didn't feel gross. It felt good. It felt…warm. She felt warm and she felt….so warm and….and tingly…and good tingly. Very good tingly. Good tingly like…like…something that was so….she didn't know what this feeling was but…but it wasn't gross. It was nice and not…not gross and she wanted….she wanted….she didn't know what she wanted….just that she wanted it….
She wanted something but she didn't know what it was.
"Mob….I really want to kiss you…and I don't think of you like a little sister at all anymore so it's ok for me to kiss you….so please. Mob. Shigeko. Can I kiss you?" said Hatori. Mob was breathing harder than she had ever breathed in her whole life. There just was not enough air in the world. The world was…the world was small. The world was that room. The room which was neither of their room. She was just…so warm and…and nice. So nice. She felt…whatever it was that she was feeling….she feeling so good….so warm and good and…and not gross. This feeling was ok…in this room this feeling was ok…and that was ok…and she wanted…she was the one who had asked him and….and she was just so…she felt so…she wanted….
She reached up and took off Hatori's glasses.
He looked so pretty without his glasses….and he looked so pretty with his glasses…boy pretty. Whatever the boy version of pretty was. He was so….so….everything. He was so everything and everything good and…and she wanted to be near him. She put his glasses down on the floor…and they were on the floor now…and he was so close…and she could just kiss him…and she had wanted to kiss him…and now he was leaning in so close and…and she just….she just felt like….
Like she wanted nothing more than to be kissed.
"Mob. Shigeko. Let me kiss you." Said Hatori. Mob nodded. She nodded and nodded and nodded some more. She was just so…so…do felt so warm and tingly and…and she just…..she wanted to feel this and she wanted…she wanted….she wanted to just kiss him and…and she wanted something else…and she didn't know what it was…but she wanted it and….
And….
And….
"Kiss me, Hatori." Said Mob. He kissed her. He kissed her and it felt like…it felt better. It felt better than the time she had been kissed….that one time she had been kissed….because she was older now and better at it now…and she had no idea how she had gotten so good at it…but she was good at it…and he was good at it…and it felt…it felt warm and…and she wanted…she wanted…she wanted….
She wanted…..
"Hey! Wake up!"
She wanted to wake up.
"Wha-!" said Mob as she sat up. She almost bumped heads with Sho…and why was Sho there?! Why was he there when she was with…she wasn't with anyone but him…because she had been asleep in their room and….and now she was awake and…and she still felt like…she felt like…
She felt like she did NOT want her little brother anywhere near her.
"You were having a bad dream, a really bad one, you were moving and making noise in your sleep and you messed up the whole room." Said Sho. Mob held her hair down with her hands and looked around. She wanted to tell Sho to go away…but that would have been mean…but she still felt like…like she was still in that dream and…and that dream was a dream and…
And that dream had not been a nightmare.
Even though it looked like it had been. The room…there were clothes and toys everywhere….and she just…had no idea….how she would clean this up later. Well she would have to clean it up and…and that was something that she could think about….something else…something besides how she felt…something besides this feeling that had followed her from her dream…and that she did NOT want her little brother to know about!
"Sorry….I'll clean it up later. I have…to go to the bathroom. Excuse me." Said Mob as she got out of bed and ran, well ran two steps before tripping over a pile of clothes, to the bathroom. Sho went over to help her up but she got up before he could get to her. She just…didn't want to be near her little brother. She loved him, she really did, but this feeling was just so weird….so weird and she just…didn't want to…she didn't want him to know and…
And she didn't want to feel this feeling anywhere near her little brother.
She loved Sho, she did, and she knew that she must have scared him by the way that she had been acting but…but she was not going to just feel this…near him…and she was tired and…and awake at the same time…and she had to go to the bathroom. She had to go to the bathroom for real….at least it felt like she did…maybe. There was a feeling and…and maybe she just felt like going to the bathroom…because what else could this be? She didn't know…she really didn't know…but she did know that she did not want to feel whatever this was with her little brother in the room!
Thank God the bathroom had a lock.
She locked the bathroom door and sat down on the floor….and then she got up and sat down on the side of the tub. She couldn't sit on the floor. She and Hatori had been sitting on the floor in her dream…and now she could never sit down on the floor again…and that was ok. They had chairs and stuff. So that was ok. That was ok and this was ok and she was ok and everything was ok and she just wanted to….to….stop feeling whatever this feeling was! This…warm…tingly…wanting….wanting to….wanting something to….
She felt gross.
This was reality, real reality, and not dream reality. In dream reality the gross feeling did not exist…but this was reality and…and she felt…this was the gross feeling times a million! She felt like…like she was being watched….she knew that she was all alone in her bathroom….she pulled the shower curtain back with her powers to make sure…she was alone and….and she just…she had no reason to feel watched because she was all alone….
But she still felt watched.
"I wasn't going to do anything…." Whispered Mob to no one. She wanted to make the world know….that she did not want to think about that. To do things like that. To have someone to kiss and be kissed by…and to touch her on her….she crossed her arms over her chest. It hurt. She had been sleeping on her stomach and her chest her and she hugged her arms close around herself and…and that felt….that felt so weird and…and good and….
And she uncrossed her arms.
That had felt good and…and also gross and…and weird and…she felt like she was….like she wanted…she wanted something but she didn't know what it was. She wanted…she wanted to kiss Hatori…but that would have been the WORST thing that she could have possibly done. She could not just leave the bathroom, go to Hatori's house, wake him up, and then kiss him…and stuff…because then he would know that she liked him…and also she would have kissed him and that would have ruined everything forever because they were just friends and he…he was not a kid and she was a kid…and stuff…and she was not supposed to think about stuff like this…
Because it was gross.
If she thought about stuff like this then…then she would be like….like how Fukuda said that he thought that she and Shimazaki had been doing….stuff. All the stuff. Kissing and hand holding and…and all of that stuff that adults did together…and she was not an adult! Not for real….not for real at all! She was just…she was just eleven and she did not want to do…to do stuff like that and…and she just…did she want that stuff? Was that why she felt so…weird? Sort of like she had to pee but also…not? Sort of like….
Gross.
Not gross like the gross feeling. This was actually gross. This was….she shifted in place. She felt like…she felt like…like she had wet the bed but also…not. This wasn't pee…it didn't feel like pee….well if she had wet the bed then her whole bed would have been soaked and…and she was just…not even her night shirt was wet….but she felt…so…sort of….kind of…whatever this was. She didn't know. She just….she just…
She sat very still.
She sat very still and just….she didn't know what else to do. She felt…she felt like she wanted something and she didn't know what it was…but it had to do with kissing and…and being near…being near Hatori…and being near him and being touched by him and…and being kissed by him and…and this was just…just….too….too weird! Weird and…she was weird and she felt like…like…she just wanted to feel less….less….less like what she was feeling now! And she had no idea what she was even feeling!
Did this mean that she was in love with him?
She wanted him to kiss her and hold her…and like her…and she felt like…this was new and…and she maybe wanted him to…touch…no. She didn't want him to touch her and she didn't want to touch…she closed her legs. She crossed her legs tight and…and then she uncrossed them as fast as she could. That had been….she didn't want to think about what that had been. Good. Sort of like…like she didn't even want to…to think about it. Good and gross and gross because it was good and she should not have…have done that…she felt like…like she had done something…wrong. She was not good. She was…good and not good and….she just…
She didn't know!
She wished that mom had been there…she would have known. She would have known and it would have been ok to ask her. She was her mom. She had said, before, that she would love Mob forever and that she would always be there for her…and she had said that before she ran away from home. She didn't know, now, if she could have asked mom about this. If she could have just….if mom would have knocked on the door and Mob would have let her in…and then mom would have sat down next to her and…and Mob could have asked….asked…stuff. Like if this was…ok. Like if this meant that she was in love with Hatori. Like if it was ok to feel like this about…about someone who wasn't her boyfriend. Like if it was ok to feel like this at all. Like if this was how adults felt about….about each other…
Mom would have known.
Mom would have known and she would have…she would have sat with Mob and told her…about stuff. About…if this was ok. About how she could…could…could make it just….go away. If this was how adults felt about each other then…then she didn't want it. She as only eleven and being eleven was….was not the same as being an adult. She needed…she needed a smoke and also she needed…she needed…she needed her mom. She needed mom to sit next to her and say something like….
"You're going to be ok, Shigeko, don't worry. I love you, I will always love you, no matter how weird you feel."
Or something like that. She didn't know. Mom was…she was gone…and she had no idea if mom would have said that or if this was just…something that she wanted to hear. If she just wanted mom to tell her that she loved her and that this was ok…and normal. She really wanted to know if this was normal…but if it was normal then she would have…felt like this before….or…someone would have warned her…but there were a bunch of things that she didn't know about. A bunch of normal stuff that people had never told her about…and she could not ask. Minori would have known because she knew about boys and love and kissing and…and also she had been felt up before….and stuff. So she would have known and she would have said….
"Oh my God, Shige, you are such a first grader….and also what did I say about wearing blue?"
Yeah….no. She was not going to ask Minori about this. Minori knew about this stuff but also…also she could be sort of mean. She could be sort of very mean sometimes, even to her friend, and she would have been mean to Mob….actually extra mean because Mob got to go back to Japan and she hadn't….so she was not going to call Minori and ask her if this was normal. If she had ever woken up in the middle of the night all warm and tingly and good…and gross physically and emotionally….and also if she ever woke up all wet but not with pee….no. She could not ask Minori about this…and stuff….because then she would have gotten made fun of…and she did not want to get made fun of….
Minegishi never made fun of her…not that she would ask Minegishi….
"Mob, do you have any idea what time it is?"
Minegishi wouldn't be mean to her or make fun of her…but she was not going to wake them up. Even though they knew more about this stuff than Minori because they had done…all the stuff…before. Mob didn't want to ask them about all the stuff but…but they were the only other person she knew who was a girl…well had been born a girl…and was built the same as she was…so they would know about this and they had never once made fun of her. They would….they would tell her what this was but also…also it was in the middle of the night and they didn't get to sleep easily….and also she didn't want to talk about her private…feelings…and private…privates….with anyone. Not even her best friend….
So she just had to figure this out on her own….and without Google because Hatori liked to look at what people Googled and…and she didn't even know what she was even going to Google without getting pictures of…stuff that she did not want to see pictures of.
She didn't have anyone…any girl one….she could ask. She had a dad but it was in the middle of the night, first of all, and second of all he was a boy. He was a dad and dads were boys and she could NOT talk about this with a boy. He probably had no idea what she was even feeling or why and….and also he would KNOW and he already knew that she liked Hatori…..because Fukuda could be kind of a gossip sometimes….and dad could not know that she was feeling….THIS about Hatori. He would have…she had no idea what he would have said. If she just shook him awake and said something like…like…'hey dad, I woke up all warm and tingly and also I wet the bed without wetting the bed and I feel like I have to go to the bathroom but in a good way and also I don't have to go to the bathroom so what is this and what do I do about it?' or something like that. He would say….words of some kind….
"Daughter….I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with this information….now go make me middle of the night breakfast."
Yeah, no. Dad could not know about this. Nobody could. She would just have to…spend the rest of her night in the bathroom. She would just…live in the bathroom for the rest of the night…and then in the morning if she still felt like this then…then she would spend the morning in the bathroom…and then she would live in the bathroom for the rest of her life if this feeling never went away. This would be her home. The tub could be her bed, and she could drink from the faucet, and her meals could be slid in under the door…and maybe Hatori could give her pointers….
She needed to never think about Hatori, or talk to him, or look at him ever again.
She just needed…she needed….she needed something. She needed to think about something else. She wished that she could just…hide in her sweater. She wanted to hide in her sweater and never come up and…and then she would spend the rest of her life in her sweater and…and her life would be…not that great but…but at least then everyone would leave her alone…and she didn't want to be alone…but she didn't want anyone to be there while she felt like this and-
A knock at the door.
An aura.
Sho's.
"Sho? This…this isn't a good time right now…but if you have to use the bathroom I can come out in a minute." Said Mob. She pulled a towel from the rack and pulled it around herself even though she knew that Sho couldn't see through the door. She needed…she wondered if she could fit out the window. She didn't know where she would go after she went out the window…and also she had no idea what she would do to explain why she had gone out the window…but she just…she did not need her little brother to know that she felt like this.
Whatever THIS was.
"I don't need the bathroom…I just wanted to tell you that I put your bedding in the wash and I put your other bedding, the Tangled bedding, on your bed…in case you wet the bed. I didn't check, I just used my powers, and if you did then…then that's ok. I won't tell anyone…and if you didn't then I saved you a load of laundry." Said Sho. Mob felt….not THAT anymore. Now she was just…that was nice. That was really nice of him. He thought that she had wet the bed, she never wet the bed but she didn't want to tell him the truth, and he had washed her bedding and put new bedding on her bed…and that was just so….
Nice of him.
He was such a nice little brother…and she needed to come out of the bathroom now. Sure she was weird and grossed out by herself….but she wasn't just herself. She was a big sister and she had to be a good big sister and…and good big sisters did not spend their whole lives in their bathrooms…and also eventually dad would have to take his morning shower and also shave….and he would ask her why she was living in the bathroom when he got up…so she needed to get out of the bathroom…
And also Sho was worried about her.
"I…I didn't know that you know how to do laundry." Said Mob. She thought, for a minute, that she had said something mean. She loved Sho, she loved him so much, and she hadn't meant to imply that he couldn't figure out the washer and dryer…but that had always been her job. Her job and mom's job…but he was getting bigger…but he was still so little…but he was so smart…and he had figured it out…and she was so….so proud of him…and so happy that he had thought about her.
"It's not complicated. I figured it out by watching you…and if you don't want to come out of the bathroom right now then I get it." Said Sho. She knew that he went through this a lot. Sometimes he wet the bed…and usually she got up and did his bedding for him…but he had been doing his own bedding…which meant that he had been wetting the bed without her knowing and being able to help him…and stuff…but that was ok. He was growing up and he needed her less…and that was ok. He was growing up and she was growing up…and he loved her….and she loved him. He was…he was the best little brother in the whole, wide, world.
"Um….I don't know when I'm going to come out. I'm sorry." said Mob. She knew that there was only one bathroom, they always had only one bathroom, and she could not tie it up forever….but she couldn't just…just come out and…and be out there…well she could but she just…
"You don't have to be. I get it. You can stay in there for a while if you need to…and if you need to take a shower if you use the cold water the pipes won't be as loud….not that dad wakes up that often…but if he does then I won't tell him that you wet the bed, ok?" asked Sho. Mob nodded even though she knew that he couldn't see her. He was being so nice to her, not that he wasn't always nice, but he was being so…so nice. He hadn't always been this nice to her. He had been so mean to her, before, back when they had been little…but they were not little anymore. They were older and…and he was so nice to her now…and she…she needed to stop being…like this. She needed to be nice and…and she needed to get out of the bathroom.
"Thank you….I'm going to come out in a minute, ok? I love you…I love you so much." Said Mob. She….she had the best little brother in the whole world. He had taken the time out of his night to wash her bedding, she hadn't wet the bed but she had to do her bedding tomorrow…and he had done it for him…and she hadn't even known that he knew how the washing machine worked….not that it was complicated…and he was so smart and…and he was the best and smartest little brother in the whole wide world…
She loved him more than anything.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you too, big sis, just come back to bed already. It's late…or early. I can't tell." Said Sho. She felt his aura walking away. She heard his footsteps walking away. She felt….better. She put the towel back on the rack. She felt…the weird feeling was gone…and now she could go back to bed…and then she would feel better in the morning. She would dream about…about something else…she didn't know but it would be better…and then she would just…put all of this behind her…
And stuff.
She got up and left the bathroom. She felt dad's aura…and he was still asleep. Sho was awake and he was…moving around. Maybe he wanted to play. She would play with him if he wanted to. She knew that she needed to get back to sleep, she knew that she needed her sleep so she could get up and make breakfast, but if Sho wanted to play…and also she had to put the laundry in the dryer or else it would get that mildew smell….and stuff.
If Sho wanted to play then she would play with him.
But he wasn't playing. He was cleaning up their room…and he never cleaned up their room. Not even his side of the room…but he was cleaning up….and he was cleaning up HER things. He was putting all of her dolls in their plastic box…and they had a specific way they needed to be put to bed but Sho was a boy and he didn't know that…and also she was just so happy that he had helped her…even though he didn't have to…because he was so little….
But he wasn't little.
She could see his legs even though he was wearing long pants. He was too tall for those pajamas…he had grown out of them. He was growing up. By this time last year…well they'd had a baby last year…the year before that. When he had been eight. Eight year old Sho would never have helped her clean up or do her laundry…he would have hit her for waking him up actually….but now he was ten, not eight, and he was helping her…
And she would help him.
He was cleaning up her dolls and she was cleaning up his pencils. She had no idea what his system for his pencils was but he had no idea what his system for his dolls was. These were real pencils, artist pencils, and she had to be careful…so she was. He was being careful with her stuff so she would be careful with his stuff….because they loved each other and they cared about each other. They loved each other and they cared about each other and they did things for each other…without complaining. Sho wasn't complaining and she…she still felt weird from her dream…but the weird and gross feeling was gone. She wanted to hide in her bedding and wait for tomorrow to happen….but she wasn't going to just let Sho clean up her mess…and also she was not going to make him stay up long enough for the wash cycle to end. She just could not stand there and not help her little brother. She wasn't going to put her feelings ahead of him….especially since he was putting her feelings first….
And that was what it was to be grown up, to help each other, and to be able to just…forget about your own feelings and help out another person.