Mob didn't sleep in that often.
She couldn't sleep in. if she slept in then breakfast wouldn't get made. If breakfast didn't get made then Sho would help himself to a whole box of poptarts .He would eat poptart after poptart after poptart and that could not have been good for him. Mob needed to get up before him so she could make him breakfast, usually eggs and toast and some kind of fruit or salad or something. Something with more food groups than just sugar. Sugar was poison, Minegishi said so, and Mob was not going to let Sho and up poisoning himself. You could get really sick from sugar and lose all of your teeth. She didn't want that to happen to him, well Fukuda could always fix him but that wouldn't change the fact that all of that had happened to Sho…so she really should have gotten up.
Because she really could not sleep in.
She had to make breakfast for dad, too. She could tell that he was still in the house. Sometimes he got up and left before her and sometimes she had to make him breakfast. This was one of those days. He couldn't make his own breakfast, he didn't know how, and Mob…she couldn't even remember if she had ever seen him cook. He didn't know how because he was a boy and most boys didn't know about cooking, it seemed, unless they were Shibata. He made good breakfast. If she had been feeling mean she could have told dad to have Shibata make him his breakfast for once because Mob….well she felt…she felt like she didn't want to get out of bed that morning.
But in a good way.
She never slept in. She never had the time to sleep in. She knew that she had to get out of bed and feed her family, she was the only girl after all, and she knew that dad would starve without her and Sho would only eat from the dessert food group, and poptarts were just breakfast desserts and she would not be convinced otherwise, but she just…didn't want to get out of bed. She just…she felt….good. This bed felt good and she felt good and she had woken up feeling….just….very good.
It had been a good dream.
She couldn't remember too many details but that was normal. She sometimes remembered everything that happened from start to finish in her dreams but this was not one of those times. This may not even have been one of those dreams that had a start or a finish. Sometimes she just dreamt in feelings. Sometimes she just dreamt in scary feelings or sad feelings or lonely feelings…but not this time. This time she had just dreamt in…good feelings. Very good feelings. She tried to remember what had caused those feelings. She had dreamt about…about being loved. Well she was loved in life, she had a family and friends who loved her very much and who she loved in return, but this was….a different kind of love. She dreamt about this kind of love sometimes…
The kissing sort of love.
She was glad that she slept in. Sometimes when she dreamt about this sort of thing, having someone in her life who loved her enough to kiss her, she made things in the room float or the walls shake and Sho…well he thought that she had nightmares…and she wasn't going to correct him. He was her little brother. He didn't need to know about this. He didn't need to know about what went on in her head. About how she thought about people…people who they both knew….one person who they both knew. She knew who she had been dreaming about…she usually either only dreamt about one specific person or the idea of a person…but the more she thought about it the more she got the feeling that she had dreamt about him again….and she didn't know why….
Was she in love with Hatori?
She really didn't know. She liked how nice he was to her. She liked how he always wore such nice sweater. She liked how his glasses were square. She liked how he always knew the best games and how he was always up for playing with her…not that they had played anything together in a while. Dad had told Hatori that she liked him…and now she could never speak to him again. Minegishi said that Hatori thought that dad was just being weird, which made sense since dad was a really weird guy, but Mob…she didn't want Hatori to know how she thought about him…what she felt when she thought about him…
What she was feeling right now.
She had that feeling…that weird feeling. The feeling that was good and bad at the same time. She had woken up with that feeling. It had followed her from her dream into the real world…and it was still hanging out. It was just hanging out there, with her, while she laid down on her bed and looked up at the ceiling. There was nothing interesting up there, just paint and a ceiling light, but she had to keep on looking up there. At least until this feeling passed. She didn't want to get out of bed, not until this feeling passed, and also….
Also she sort of wanted it to…stay.
Minegishi said that it wasn't a bad thing, the way she felt when she thought about boys, and…and it didn't feel bad. Gross, yes, but not bad. Just…she felt sort of like she was doing something wrong….but Minegishi had said that this wasn't wrong and they had never lied to her, not once in their whole friendship, and Mob believed them…and stuff. But still. This was…this feeling came from having embarrassing thoughts about boys, adult thoughts about boys, and she wasn't supposed to think like that. If she thought like that then….then people might have actually thought that she would do that…and she just…she didn't want to do that…well wanted….she didn't want…
She had no idea what she did and did not want.
She wanted to be kissed. She wanted to have…she didn't know if she could admit this to herself….she wanted…she pulled her blanket up over her face. There. Now, in the dark, she could admit this to herself. She could admit to herself that she wanted…she wanted to be there with…with Hatori…or a boy who liked her…but she didn't know any other boys who could like her….and if Hatori liked her then…then that wouldn't have been so bad. That way, at least, she could have kissed him. She could have just….well he would have been next to her…and the blanket tries to fly away at that thought. The thought of Hatori being in her bed next to her. So close that she could just roll over and kiss him…and it would feel good…and she could…she could just…
She rolled over.
She closed her eyes and rolled over. She knew that he would not have been there, he didn't even like girls like that, but this was her daydream….which she could have…..she could have her daydream because it was hers and hers alone. There was no one else who could hear what it was that she was thinking. That she was thinking of how Hatori would say something like….like how much he liked her. How pretty he thought that she was. How she always took such good care of everyone. How cool it was that she knew all about him and what he was like and how…how maybe it was love because she liked him as a person…and how maybe he loved her too because he liked her right back…in her head. In her head…in her head she could imagine anything at all….and it would be….
It would be ok.
So it was ok that she had rolled over. It was ok that she had put her hand on her side and imagined that it was Hatori. It was ok that she imagined him saying something like 'I love you' and then…and then kissing her…and it was ok. She had seen Minegishi and Shimazaki cuddling and kissing like that before. That was how you held someone when you loved them. You held them like this and…and it was…she knew that this was in her head but it made the good feeling feel even better…and she hear something hit the ground…and she knew that she was making a mess…and she knew that she should have stopped….
But she didn't want to stop.
She wanted…she wanted…she didn't know what she wanted. To be kissed in real life. She could imagine Hatori kissing her but she just…she couldn't kiss herself…and she wanted…she just wanted to feel it. She wanted it to be real. She wanted it to be something that she could just reach out and feel. She wanted the real Hatori to have been there with her. She wanted…she wanted him to have been there and…and he would have pulled her close and kissed her….and she would have kissed him right back…and she just…really wanted to be kissed…
And maybe some of that other stuff.
She wasn't sure what all of that other stuff was. She knew that people touched. She knew that when they kissed they cuddled…and sometimes they cuddled without clothes on…and she wouldn't go so far, not even in her own head, to have either of them been naked…because that would have been too much. The only naked boy she had ever seen was her own brother…and she did not want to think about her own brother when she was thinking about stuff like this….and she maybe…well she wanted…shed didn't know what she wanted. She wanted to be with Hatori and…and she wanted to kiss him…and she wanted…she didn't know if she wanted to do all the things that came next but she did know that she wanted to at least know what those things were….
Hatori would have known.
He was older than her. He was almost twice her age….and he was still the only person she knew who was even close to his age…and she…she cared about him a lot…and she…she would maybe have done….some of the stuff…with him. Maybe. She didn't know. She didn't even know what those things were. She just knew…well she had heard…and she had seen….well she hadn't seen in life but she had seen in the books under Minegishi's bed….that people…well they touched…each other….and stuff….and she had never done anything like that before. She never would have even had the chance. She didn't know any boys her own age. She didn't go to school and that was the place to meet boys…that was where Minori met boys…and she had done stuff. Well she had only been felt up, which was when a boy put his hands up your shirt….and she had never had a boy touch her there before….and there wasn't even anything that could have been touched. She didn't have….well she did and she didn't….and she knew that…that if she had actually been with Hatori…and if he had wanted to…then she would have let him…she would have let him and he would not have made fun of her. He would have….he would have reached over and put his hand over her…
Like that.
Just like that. He would have kept his hand on her…well she didn't even have…but he wouldn't have said that. He would have said something like 'wow Mob, you don't look like a first grader at all' or something. Minori said that she looked like a first grader…and she didn't like it when Minori said things like that…and she knew that Minori couldn't help it, being mean to her, and she just…she didn't want to think about Minori now. She wanted to think about…about Hatori…and how nice he would have been to her. He would have touched her just like this, just like she was touching herself now, and he wouldn't have complained or made fun of her.
He would have thought that her breasts were very nice.
He wouldn't have thought that they weren't anything to write home about…and she doesn't want to think about that either. She doesn't want to think about how…how Fukuda had said…all the things that he had said. She didn't want to think about that because…because this was…she didn't want to feel gross. This was good and she did not want to feel gross. She wanted…she knew that this felt good, that this was meant to feel good, and that other people didn't feel gross. They felt good, that was why they did this with other people, and Mob…she wanted…she wanted and didn't want to do this with another person. She wanted…she wanted…
This was nice.
Her hand on her…and these were hers. She should not have felt embarrassed. They were her breasts and she could touch them if she wanted to. They were a part of her and…and they weren't….gross. They weren't gross at all. They were for…for feeding babies. They were important. They were so that she could feed her babies when she had them…so they were ok to touch. They weren't gross. Not like…not like other….other stuff. Other places. How other places got when she thought about this. How…how she got….and it was gross. It was very gross. It was all…sort of like she had wet herself….but not really.
She didn't know what this was.
It came when she thought about boys and loving them and being loved and being kissed and kissing and all of that. It came sometimes when she was asleep or in the tub or just in the middle of her day when she wasn't even thinking, or trying to think about anyway, love or boys or anything. Sometimes she would be watching TV and then there would be a kissing scene…or sometimes she would be out and she saw a boy who was really tall….and she didn't know why she wanted to be with a boy who was tall but she did….she wanted to be with someone who was taller than her and stronger than her…and then he would hold her and…and if he wanted to touch her chest then he could…
She rolled over again.
In her head she had rolled over into Hatori. She had rolled over into his arms and he was holding her…and he was so strong and so tall and he could keep her so safe and warm…and she loved being with him so much…and she just….she knew that this was in her head. She knew that this could never happen. She knew that she had just rolled over into the stuffed animals she kept on that side of her bed. She knew that she was all alone in her bedroom making a mess with her powers on accident. She knew that she needed to get up and go and make breakfast and that she was just….she was just sitting in bed wasting the day…and she knew that she had stuff to do…and that she would never be with any boy let alone Hatori…and she knew that she needed to get up…so that was what she did…
What she tried to do.
She tried to get up. She put her weight on her knees and her hands and she tried to push herself up….but she just…she had been laying in her pile of stuffed animals…and they poked her…and stuff. She felt….she felt…she didn't know what she felt. Well she felt the blanket try to fly away. She felt the blinds open and shut. She felt some of her hair get trapped under her. She also felt…she felt….she felt like…like….she didn't even know what she felt. She just knew that it felt…it felt…good. Good and…and gross because that was her…and she knew that it was gross and…and she felt gross and….and also good. Good and…and maybe it wasn't supposed to be gross…because that was hers. She was…she was herself. This was her body and it was hers and she could…she could do whatever she wanted with it….to it…with it…
So she did that again.
She put her weight down on….whatever that was. Whatever it was that was under her. She went down and then up again and…and that was…that was something which felt nice. She pulled her blanket back up over herself. If she was under her blanket then this was ok. This was ok so long as she couldn't see anything…and she just…she couldn't be seen doing this. She couldn't be seen. She had to…she was doing something...something which was not ok. But why wasn't it ok? This was her body and she felt good…but also…also this didn't feel like it was…ok. She knew that if someone found out that she was doing this…she didn't know what she was doing even….but if people knew that she was feeling this…this good feeling…then they would say…they would say all kinds of things about her. They would accuse her of doing….doing the stuff that adults did…and she didn't want….she didn't want to be accused of that….not again…
But that was what the blanket was for.
With the blanket over her then she could just…she could just pretend that she was the only person in the whole world. Even though she knew that she wasn't. She knew that there were other people in the world. She could feel them. She could feel…she could feel other auras….but she didn't want to. She didn't want to feel any other auras right now, just hers, and she pulled hers in as close as she could. She just had to….she just had to be alone right now…alone with her thoughts….
All alone with her thoughts.
Her thoughts about being kissed and held and loved and having someone who loved her….and someone who would have thought that this was…that this was ok. That she was ok. That every single thing about her was ok. That was…that was all that she wanted. She wanted to be loved and cared for and accepted…but also…also touched. Touched was on the list. Kissed and…and also this was…she didn't know what this was…and she just….she just…
She had to stop.
She could feel an aura getting closer…and she had to stop. She rolled back over onto her back and she pulled the blanket tight over herself. That had been….she didn't even know what that had been….but she knew that she did not want anyone to know about that. She wanted…she wanted….she wanted it to seem like…like she had been…like she had just been sleeping in. She hated lying to people, tricking them, but nobody could know what she had been doing or why she had been doing that…nobody in the whole world…
Especially her little brother.
Mob could feel his aura. She laid very still and let Sho open the door. She wanted to reach out with her powers and hold the door shut. She wanted to be alone. She wanted to be alone and she wanted…she just wanted….she wanted to be alone and nothing more. That was all. She just needed…she needed to get herself sorted out….to get her feelings sorted out…because there was just…so much. So much to her. To what she had been….doing…and just…she wanted…
She wanted to be alone…but she could not kick her own little brother out of the room.
"Big sis?" asked Sho. Mob didn't come up out of her blanket even though she knew that she was being rude. She knew that she was supposed to come up out of her blanket and look at her brother when he spoke to her…but she didn't want to. She was not going to come up until….well until she had to….or something.
"Hi Sho….good morning." Said Mob. She could have pretended to be asleep but that would have been lying...and also if he was coming to her then he needed her and she could not be so selfish when her little brother needed her. He might have been hungry or lonely or…or she had left him alone with dad…she had left him alone in the house with dad and…and she…she…she could not believe how selfish she had been.
"Morning…um…are you going to make breakfast? Because dad…he wants breakfast." Said Sho. Mob, if she had been a meaner person, would have told him to go and tell dad to put ketchup on his own piece of toast….but that was mean and she didn't even know where that thought had come from. She loved her dad. She loved him even though he could be a jerk…and even though he had sent Sho to find her…and Sho…she was just happy that dad hadn't hit him. Dad had a real problem when it came to hitting people….Sho especially….
She had to get out of bed.
"I am…in a minute. I'm going to get up and get dressed first. If you don't want to have breakfast with dad then you can ask Shibata to make you something. He likes to cook…and his pancakes aren't even burnt on the bottom anymore." Said Mob. She knew that having dad and Sho together in the same room was a bad idea…and she wished that it hadn't been. She wished that dad could have just gotten along with Sho…but he couldn't. Dad wasn't that kind of person and Mob…as much as she wanted to…to sleep in…she couldn't…
Somebody had to make breakfast.
"I'm going next door. Dad's being all…dad. I'm going to next door and have Shibata make me a pancake cake." Said Sho. Mob shook her head even though she knew that he couldn't see her. He needed real food. Pancakes were mostly sugar, they had the word 'cake' in the name after all, and he needed food that was on the rest of the food pyramid. One of his teeth had a black thing on it, it might have been one of his permanent teeth, and normally Fukuda would have fixed it since that was his job and all…but he and Sho weren't speaking…and Mob didn't blame him one bit. Fukuda had told dad on Sho about his girlfriend…and also he just…he was always saying things and fighting with people and Mob didn't know why. She was glad that Sho was going to have breakfast with Shibata and the others instead of Fukuda…but she also wanted him to eat something that could count as actual food.
"Make sure that you have a fruit or a vegetable to go with it." Said Mob. She knew that he would fight her on this. He always fought her on this…and she was not in the mood to fight with him. She felt gross now. She felt all sticky and slimy….and that was just physically. She did not want to be in the same room as her little brother after…well…all of that. Nope. She needed him to just…not fight her on this today. Was that so very much to ask?
"Maple syrup is a fruit. It comes from trees and fruit comes from trees and therefore maple syrup is a fruit and therefore maple syrup is good for me." Said Sho. Mob…that was not how that worked. That was not how anything worked. She wanted to get up out of bed and get out their book about where food came from…it was somewhere in their book pile…but then that would have involved fighting with him and also getting out of the bed…and she wanted to do neither of those things.
"Sho….please just eat a piece of fruit." Said Mob. She wished that he would just listen to her for once. She was not in the mood to fight and neither was he, probably, because it was so early in the morning and he had just been dealing with dad it seemed like…and she wished as hard as she could for him to just listen to her for once in the then and a half years that they had been brother and sister.
"….fine. I will if it'll make you happy, big sis…or whatever." Said Sho. Mob was amazed. Wow. Wishes really could come true…and she hadn't even had to make any paper cranes. She wondered what other wishes could come true. Maybe if she wished hard enough this feeling would go away. This weird, sticky, slimy, and gross feeling….but maybe she should save her wishes for another time.
"Thank you so much. I love you." Said Mob. It felt like he needed that. He had been all alone with dad all day…and she should have been there for him. She should have been there because dad…even when he wasn't trying to be mean he could be…well not to her…but she just had to protect him. She had to just…she had to get out of bed already….once he was gone.
"I love you too….now just get dressed already. I think that dad's lonely or whatever. I don't know. He keeps on talking to me. Just hurry up." Said Sho. Mob heard the door close. She didn't come up out from under her blanket until she felt his aura leaving the house. She got up slowly, very slowly, because while the good feeling had been gone for a while the gross and slimy feeling was still there…and she felt like she needed a bath….but she didn't have time to take a bath. She just had time to change her clothes…and that was what she did. She changed her clothes quickly, brushed her hair, and then went to make breakfast. All the while she did her best to try and forget…that morning. The stuff she thought about, the way she felt during, the way she felt now, the way she may have wanted to feel like that again…
Next time she got the chance to sleep in.