Disclaimer: Do you really believe that I own Romeo and Juliet? I mean really?

A/N: Thank you to all my reviewers who have encouraged me to keep writing. Sorry it's taken so long to get this up. Blame it on the International Baccalaureate program. I know I do. I've portrayed Romeo as kind of a whiny nancy-boy (Nancy-boy (noun): What Orlando Bloom turned Legolas into. See also mincing prissy). Sorry if this offends anyone, but that's really the impression I got from him. First person to spot the blatantly obvious Monty Python allusion gets a gold star and a pat on the head.

Act II and a bit of Act III

Later that evening, after the party was over, Romeo gave his friends the slip and leaped the Capulet's orchard wall (he was on the Italian Olympic high jump team) in order to see Juliet. After climbing off the back of a now very surprised and confused llama, he starts wondering around the garden, taking full advantage of the free food. Suddenly, he spots Juliet standing on the balcony outside her window, with her hair up in curlers, flannel pj's (complete with fuzzy slippers), and a pore strip on her nose; but it's so dark he doesn't seem to notice. They both stand there muttering poetic nothings to no one in particular for several minutes until Juliet finally realized she wasn't alone and quickly pulled off the pore strip.

"Oh shi—I mean… umm…Romeo, Romeo, why for out thou Romeo. An eggplant by any other name would smell as sweet."

"Eggplant? Don't you mean rose?"

"No, I'm quite sure it was an eggplant."

"Well, okay, if you're sure. But what does an eggplant smell like anyway?

"It doesn't matter what an eggplant smells like, just answer my bloody question."

"All right, all right, no need to get touchy about it. I'm Romeo because it was either that or Herbert and I really wouldn't like to be called Herbert. "

"What's wrong with Herbert? My grandfather was a Herbert."

"Well, it's not really very Italian is it?"

"Are you calling my grandfather unpatriotic? You've got some nerve you little weasel!" Juliet screeched in full bitch mode now, complete with one hand on her hip and the other balled up in a fist waving threateningly in Romeo's general direction.

"Oh bugger. No, I'm not calling your grandfather unpatriotic. I really don't care. Listen, when we get married, we'll name our first kid Herbert."

"Who said anything about getting married? I certainly didn't."

"But I thought you loved me. Don't you want to get married and have loads kids and all that good stuff?"

"Only a guy could ever say something like that. Listen, bub. Yes I like you. No I will not marry you. And hell no, we will not have tons of kids. Do you know how incredibly painful childbirth is?"

"Umm. No. But I do love you. And if you don't marry me, I'm sure I'll do something stupid" sniffled Romeo, his eyes filling with tears and his lips forming a pout.

"Oh all right, if you're going to whine about it. I guess I'll marry you."

"Yippee! Uh, I mean, right, good. Thank you. I think."

"What have I gotten myself into?" muttered Juliet.

A few minutes later, Juliet's nurse called that it was time for her bedtime story. Juliet blushed crimson and muttered something rather unpoetic.

Just as the sun is creeping over the hillsides, Romeo made his get away from the Capulet's orchard, cleverly evading the llama, which was now bent on revenge. Seeing that his hide was entirely safe from any vengeful Capulets (and their pack animals) Romeo goes to visit Friar Laurence. The good Friar was already up puttering around his garden, picking weeds and gathering herbs.

As soon as Romeo came into view, the Friar looked up and asked who he wanted to marry this time.

"What do you mean this time, my good Friar?"

"Oh, come on. I never see you here for confessionals, but you come to me every other day asking to be married to some random girl. You're the biggest man-slut I've ever seen."

"I'm really not that bad. Am I? And anyway, I'm serious this time. I really love her."

"Yes. I'm sure you do. And any moment now, a whole flock of pigs is going to come flying by, right?"

"But—but please?" the hurt puppy dog eyes make an appearance again. "You don't even know who I want to marry this time."

"I know I'll regret this. Who is she?" asked the Franciscan, taking a swig of water.

"Juliet, daughter of Lord Capulet."

Seconds later, Romeo was drenched with water, and Laurence was coughing into his cassock. "What? Holy Mother, are you insane?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"If I marry you two, both your fathers' will be after my blood!"

"Please? Pretty please with sugar on top? I'll buy you a pony. And a My-First-Alchemy set." Romeo got down on his knees and begged.

"Oh, fine. I never wanted to be a priest anyway, I wanted to be… a Lumberjack!"

"I thought you wanted to be an alchemist."

"Same difference."

So later that day, while her nurse was attending the Evil Plotters Anonymous meeting, Juliet sneaked (yes, believe it or not, this is the correct tense) over to the chapel (I'm goooing to the chapel and I'm goooing to get marararied.) and in a short ceremony (Man and wife. Say man and wife.) became the newest Mrs. Montague. (Since the author has gone over her parenthetical qualifiers quota, there will be no more parentheses in this chapter. Thank you, that is all.) After the wedding, Juliet ran back home, and Romeo nanced to the town square.

There, Romeo ran in to Benvolio and Mercutio who were about to have it out with Tybalt over something terribly inconsequential that was never fully explained, but it is said that the argument started when Tybalt insulted Mercutio's turnip growing ability. When Tybalt started to insult Romeo, he kept his cool and began intoning, "I will not kill the in-laws. I will not kill the in-laws."

The Buddhist mantra thing works, but only to the point when Tybalt stabbed Mercutio. Realizing that friendship is thicker than wedding rings, Romeo set out to avenge Mercutio. When Romeo and Tybalt are through fighting, there is one less Capulet in the world and Tybalt's soul immediately went and possessed a nearby tom-cat, because as the saying goes, Heaven didn't want him and Hell was afraid he'd take over.

(In pops the same Tolkien fanatic "Hah! I told you there was an evil cat in here somewhere!"

"Yes, bully for you. Now go away, you're interrupting the flow of the narrative and you made me use parentheses again," replied the annoyed narrator.

"Mary Sue," muttered the fanatic before popping out of existence

"Spawn of Angband! Get back here and say that to my face!" screamed the author. Suddenly, she noticed the audience patiently waiting for the story to start again. "Oh, sorry. Now on with the show.")

With his great knack for timing, the Prince arrived on the scene right after Tybalt expired and Romeo fled. Because Tybalt really wasn't that great a person and because he was in a generous mood that day, the Prince spared Romeo's life but banishes him instead. Friar Laurence, who just happened to be in the crowd, dashes off to find Romeo and tell him of his fate.

Exeunt.