Disclaimer: Yes, I own it. And the clouds outside your window are forming the word gullible.
The Narrator would like it to be known that she has now officially lost track of the acts because it's been about four years since she actually read the play.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Juliet's nurse came in crying, gnashing her teeth, and screaming about somebody being dead. Juliet, always the optimist, automatically assumed it was Romeo she was crying about. Why the Capulet's nurse would be mourning a Montague fatality, was never fully explained. At this point, the plot tends to become rather boring and tedious, involving several hissy fits, a secret marriage, and several unhappy monks who get sent on pointless missions. The details of which now follow, because without them the chapter would very short indeed.
"Oh, shut up!" Juliet's nurse exclaimed after she realized Juliet's crying was not for the late Tybalt. "You just stay here and try not to do anything too stupid. I'm going to try and fix this."
At Friar Laurence's cell, Romeo is waiting impatiently for Laurence's return with the good news. When Romeo learns of his punishment, he launches into one of his patented "Why me? Oh woe is me! My life is over!" fits à la Luke (and Anakin) Skywalker, Belgarion, and Harry Potter (they all took the same correspondence course for helpless victims of circumstance. All passed with honors) Finally, Laurence got so fed up with it, that he smacked Romeo. That shut him up. For about five seconds.
"Whadja do that for?" Romeo whined as the narrator cringed at the grammar she just inflicted on her readers.
"Because I've had to put up with you all these years, and you finally pushed me over the edge. It's people like you that make me long for the days when the most annoying thing in my life was the possibility that my latest experiment would blow up in my face." said the irate priest without pausing for breath. "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you got off easy?"
"But I'm a tragic hero. Whining and dying are what I do. Sorry, mate, can't change that."
"Oh what I wouldn't give for a good infusion of nightshade right about now." Laurence muttered.
"What did you say?"
"I said, uh, that I'm sure we'll think of something."
Just as Laurence was refining his plans for herocide, Juliet's nurse came in.
"Look, see," she said adopting a Bugsey the GangsterTM mode of speech for no particular reason. "This is what we're gonna do, see. You, nancy boy. You're going to come to Juliet's room tonight, see? And you're going to do things I'd rather not think about, see? Then you're gonna get the heck outta dodge, see?"
Some hours later, against her better judgment, Juliet's Nurse, whom we shall now call Marge, because the narrator is tired of typing Juliet's Nurse, put her ear against the door of Juliet's bed chamber.
"No, no. You go like this, then I go like this and then we both turn around and attempt to do it backwards," came a female voice from the other side of the door.Marge walked away shuddering and wishing for a very large drink. Or maybe several. Yes, several very large drinks definitely seemed in order at this juncture.
On the other side of the door, a very frustrated Juliet was attempting to teach Romeo how to do the Macarena.
"This is ridiculous!" he finally shouted (but not too loud, because even though he wasn't too sure what his wanker was for, he was awfully attached to it.) "Can't we just play Go Fish?" he asked plaintively.
"No," Juliet responded. "This is my wedding night, and we'll do what I want."
"Oh, I was just under the impression that the wedding night had something to do with the bed…" Romeo trailed off hopefully.
"Nonsense, it's too early to go to bed. Besides, we've still got to do makeovers and tell ghost stories. I know this great one about a prince in Denmark who swears his dad was following him around."
And so it was that an exhausted Romeo (Juliet kept him up all night, giggling about her friend Viola and he was sure there was something in there about Juliet's undying love for him, but he couldn't be too certain because he stopped listening around 3:30) set off on the road to Manchua at sunrise.
"On the road again. I just can't wait to get on—Ow!" Romeo's singing was stopped abruptly as someone chucked a bedpan out of a second storey window, hitting him squarely on the head. "Everybody's a critic."
A/N: I know, short chapter. Bad ix, no cookie. Anyway, there is the review button, you may use it.