Very few good things happened after this arrangement was made.

One of them was Draco Malfoy bursting into his father's office not long after Zacharias had left. He looked nothing short of justified upon seeing Hermione, who was still sitting in front of Lucius Malfoy's (very sturdy looking) desk.

He turned to Mr Malfoy, triumphantly pointing a finger at his father.

"I knew it!" Draco exclaimed. "I knew you were lying when you said nothing was going on!"

"Draco," Mr Malfoy began with the longsuffering patience of someone who had endured this conversation more than a few times.

"Perhaps I'd better go," Hermione said quickly, bouncing to her feet.

"Is it serious?" Draco demanded of Hermione, who was surprised to see his expression was one of enthusiasm rather than disgust. Maybe Draco Malfoy really had changed. He wrinkled his nose as he continued, "Bones is saying it is. She's saying quite a few things actually, and they're not exactly suitable for work – you might want to talk to her about that," he added apologetically.

Snape's cape, what had Susan been saying?

"Draco," Mr Malfoy repeated warningly.

"So, Hermione – which do you prefer, 'Mother' or 'Mum'?" Draco asked innocently, completely ignoring his father. The whole thing might have been funny if she hadn't been so mortified, an emotion that she thought she ought to be used to by now in the presence of Lucius Malfoy.

"I'll see you tomorrow night?" Hermione asked composedly, ducking her head so that her blush was hidden behind her hair. They had agreed to meet at her flat and discuss the nature of their 'relationship' in order to establish rules and a backstory – although Hermione had hoped the dreaded meeting could happen tonight (the sooner their "backstory" was created, the better), Mr Malfoy had informed her that he was unavailable.

Draco turned and smiled smugly at his glaring father. Hermione hid her smile behind her hand, quietly stunned at the changes in their relationship. Although, she thought sadly of Harry and Ron, people changed all the time, and not necessarily for the better.

"Of course," Mr Malfoy said shortly. "Please take my son with you when you leave. If he stays, I may be forced to curse him."

"No, I really do have to talk to you," Draco said seriously, occupying the chair she had been sitting in until recently. "And Hermione can't make me do anything. She's not my real mum."

Hermione snorted.

"Six o'clock tomorrow night," she said hastily as Mr Malfoy, his jaw tight, arched a brow at her. She dashed out of his office, feeling he was quite at the end of his tether – just before she shut the door, she heard him say, "If you say one more thing about her, I will disown you."

She bit her tongue to stop her laugh. It was probably a hysterical, nervous laugh anyway, considering she was now embarking on a fake relationship with Lucius Malfoy! Even though it had been her idea, she couldn't pretend that the idea didn't fill her with nerves.

Picturing the look on Smith's face almost made up for it. She wished she could get a painting commissioned. Not to mention, it had felt very nice to watch Lucius Malfoy be a prat to someone who wasn't her.

Oh Merlin, he was going to be at her flat – where she did her laundry, where she showered, where she drank wine and wore pyjamas and watched Bend It Like Beckham; it almost didn't seem real.

Her phone buzzed; Ginny again. Mum wants to come over but I've said no. Did you get LEGO for Teddy?

Merlin's pants, Teddy Lupin's birthday!

Andromeda had thrown Teddy's seventh birthday party yesterday – as Harry and Ron had both been attending, Hermione had let Andromeda know in advance that she wouldn't be there. She had planned to go over after work with Ginny, and it had been Hermione's job to get the present.

"Where have you been?" Susan asked interestedly, hovering by the doorway once Hermione had returned to her office holding a large box of Jurassic Park LEGO. The shops had been a bloody riot - what with the mess that this year had been, she'd left all her Christmas shopping until the last minute.

"Not with Lucius Malfoy," Hermione snapped, trying not to sigh in relief as she sat down: these boots were absolute tyrants. She rather hoped that Susan would see through this lie and was instantly rewarded with –

"Liar," Susan said immediately. "Smith's fuming, by the way. It's bloody hilarious."

"How do you know all this?" Hermione asked, impressed.

"People tell me things," Susan said, shrugging.

"Which reminds me, just what have you been saying about me and Mister Mal – Lucius?" Hermione corrected herself. If they were dating, then surely they were on a first name basis. "Draco seemed concerned."

"Sorry," Susan said sheepishly. "I know I shouldn't have said anything but – Draco's just like that because he's been worried about his father – y'know, Luna and Neville were talking about it the other night."

"I… what?" Hermione said, now completely lost. She had a feeling that Susan had completely misunderstood her, and she was now very intrigued. "Why?"

"I think he's worried that Lucius has been lonely – I mean, Narcissa's death wasn't exactly a picnic, was it?" Susan said uneasily. "Remember? Lucius didn't come in for months."

Hadn't he? Hermione thought of the photo in Mr Malfoy's office and swallowed hard. "So Draco's concerned because he thinks I'm bad news?" she asked slowly, although she had a horrible feeling that he felt otherwise; all of a sudden, it made sense why he had been so happy to see her in his father's office.

"That wasn't really the impression I got," Susan said, shrugging.

Hermione's palms were starting to sweat. Fuck. "Oh?"

"Think he was quite pleased," Susan said gamely. She seemed very interested in Hermione's reaction. "You all right?"

Hermione felt faint. She wondered if it would be too much trouble to simply flee the country and start a new life in Lisbon. "Oh," she said again. "Yes. Great."

"Okay, so – details!" Susan demanded. "Tonight at mine?"

"Can't," Hermione said, trying not to look too relieved as she made a mental note to never tell Susan anything again. "I'm seeing Teddy tonight."

At least that would be easy. Not even an hour into her fake relationship and it was already very complicated.

"It's been too long!" Andromeda Tonks exclaimed as she opened her front door to find Ginny and Hermione on the doorstep. "Come in, come in, it's chilly out!"

Hermione and Ginny shivered and shuddered as they were ushered into the kitchen, removing their scarves and gloves.

"I won't be surprised if it snows," Andromeda said, peering through the window as though expecting confirmation.

"How was Teddy's party? Sorry we couldn't come," Hermione said through chattering teeth.

"Oh, he was fine! He'll be happy to see you now – although, he's a little preoccupied, always is when – oh Merlin, I haven't even offered you a drink," Andromeda scoffed, quickly pointing her wand at the kettle.

"Thanks," Ginny said gratefully while Hermione tottered into the living room, her hands tightly clasping Teddy's present. Her fingers felt frozen, and her legs stiff.

Teddy wasn't alone in the living room. He was sitting in front of a giant puzzle depicting at least fifty different types of dinosaurs, deep in conversation with none other than Lucius Malfoy.

Because of course he was.

Hermione froze. To her relief, he looked just as shocked as she felt.

"Hermione!" a green-haired Teddy cried as he leapt to his feet. "Is Uncle Ron here too? Can we play Quidditch?"

"He's so sorry but he's busy, Teddy," Hermione said gently, handing him the present. "But he sends his love. What are you doing with – eh –?"

"Uncle Lucius," Teddy said proudly, and Hermione desperately tried not to smile as her stomach flipped. "We're doing a dinosaur puzzle – it's five hundred pieces."

"I can see that!" Hermione said with fake enthusiasm, thanking Merlin that she had bought the Jurassic Park LEGO instead of the Star Wars. Her eyes flickered to Mr Malfoy, whose eyes were narrowed at her as though he were daring her to say something.

He was wearing glasses. Oh Merlin.

"Having fun?" Hermione couldn't help herself.

"Of course," Mr Malfoy said coolly. "I'm learning all about the Cretaceous period."

"Oh, well, we all love the Cretaceous period," Hermione said gamely and she could have sworn that one side of his mouth twitched. What the hell is he doing here?

"Here's tea," Andromeda called, as teacups and a plate of biscuits floated through the air and landed at their respective person.

"Thanks, Andromeda," Hermione gasped as she grasped her cup, desperate to warm her hands.

"Have you said thank you to Hermione and Ginny yet, Teddy?" Andromeda prompted.

"Ginny's here?" Teddy exclaimed and, still holding his wrapped present, barreled into the kitchen to find her.

Andromeda rolled her eyes good-naturedly at Hermione, who was still rather shell-shocked from having come across another unexpected encounter with Lucius Malfoy. (Dobby's socks, what should she do with her hands? Wait, she was holding her tea – crisis averted.) "He's mad about Quidditch, wants to be a Seeker like Harry and Draco were. He nearly had a fit when he found out who captains the Holyhead Harpies. Absolutely not, Teddy, it's freezing, and Ginny doesn't want to play," she added sharply as she saw her grandson innocently leading Ginny towards the backyard.

"It's only for a minute, Gran," Teddy shrugged. He scrunched up his nose, his hair turning tomato red, and for an instant Hermione could only see Tonks.

"Teddy," Andromeda warned.

"What I don't understand," Mr Malfoy began slowly, frowning at the puzzle, "is why there doesn't appear to a section for brontosaurus on here."

"Brontosaurus isn't a dinosaur," Teddy said incredulously.

"Of course it is," Mr Malfoy said, raising his eyebrows. Hermione was mildly amused to note that he had removed his glasses in the time that she'd looked away. She quietly prayed that her hair hadn't frizzed up from the sleet, and was then quietly furious that she even cared about such a thing.

"No, it wasn't," Teddy insisted vigorously, making his way back to the puzzle. "There's brachiosaurus, and diplodocus, but brontosaurus was a mistake made by an archeologist. See? It's not there."

"And these belong to the Triassic period, then?" Mr Malfoy asked. Hermione sipped her tea to hide her smile.

Teddy sighed resignedly and launched into a full explanation of which dinosaurs were in the Triassic period, none of which included brachiosaurus, diplodocus, or any kind of brontosaurus.

Hermione tried to ignore the fluttering in her stomach. Oh no. He was good with Teddy. Oh no.

The doorbell rang. "That'll be Draco," Andromeda said.

"I'll get it," Hermione said hurriedly, setting her tea down on the coffee table. She was so desperate for a reason to leave that she didn't quite register who she was getting the door for. "You stay here, take a seat."

"Thanks, love," Andromeda said, looking relieved as she sunk into an armchair. Hermione wasn't sure if she managed a smile or not in her desperation to leave the room.

Bugger, she thought. Was there any kind of excuse she could make to leave? She couldn't sit in there with Lucius Malfoy. Would she have to sit next to him if she went back in there? Would she have to pretend that they were dating? Would it be okay if she touched his hair? No, no – everything was fine, everything was fine.

A new problem reared its head like an angry Hippogriff as she opened the front door; Draco looked shocked and then positively delighted to see her. "Mother! Wonderful to see you!"

"Please don't," Hermione began as he marched past her. "It's not like that –"

"I can only assume that if you're here, my father is as well?"

"Jurassic Park!" she heard Teddy cry from the other room. "Thanks Hermione and Ginny!"

"Don't tell me you got him the Jurassic Park LEGO," Draco said, wincing. Hermione glanced at the wrapped box in his hands. Its dimensions looked most familiar.

"Whoops," she said lamely.

"Hermione, where are you?" Andromeda called. "Ginny and Teddy have asked, please, for your help with the LEGO, as you're the best at following the instructions."

Hermione squeezed her eyes shut. Wonderful. Now Lucius Malfoy knew that she was the square who actually enjoyed following the LEGO instructions.

"Hello love," Andromeda said, kissing Draco on the cheek as he scurried into the living room at the mention of Ginny.

Hermione leant against the counter, suddenly exhausted.

"Are you all right, Hermione?" Andromeda frowned. "You look like you've been Confunded."

"Yes," Hermione managed. "Yes, I just – I didn't realise…" She gestured in the vague direction of the living room and cleared her throat.

Andromeda raised her eyebrows. "Yes?"

Hermione shrugged. "I'm fine." She laughed nervously, feeling ready to crawl under the table, curl up and, if she was lucky, die quietly.

"Yes, you sure seem it," Andromeda said dryly. "I thought you would have been pleased with present company, considering what the papers are saying at the moment."

"Oh, you've read that?" Hermione asked, hoping she sounded unconcerned.

"Not me," said Andromeda innocently. "Although Ron had quite a lot to say about it at Teddy's party yesterday."

"Hm," Hermione said innocently.

"Indeed," Andromeda greed. "Teddy made sure to turn his ears just as red as Uncle Ron's." And with a wink, she sauntered back into the living room.

"That wasn't too bad!" Ginny protested as she poured Hermione another glass of wine.

Hermione lifted her head from her hands. They were sitting around the dinner table, giving Luna a play-by-play of the evening, while Neville was out having drinks with Seamus and Dean. "It was fine for you – you were off having the time of your life trying to get into Draco's pants."

"I resent that," Ginny said, holding a hand over her heart.

"I like Draco, he's very helpful," Luna said.

"Unlike some Malfoys," Hermione muttered, thinking of the events that had transpired earlier in Andromeda's kitchen.

"Miss Granger, just how on earth do you think you'll convince anyone that we're having an extremely passionate and debaucherous affair if you leap out of your skin every time I touch you?"

"I said I'm sorry! You surprised me," Hermione had snapped, handing him a tea towel and casting the Muffliato charm in the direction of the living room. Mere moments ago, in the middle of one of Ginny's Quidditch stories (Teddy and Draco had been enraptured), Mr Malfoy had placed his hand on her knee. It had been a casual and very convincing display of intimacy.

So naturally she had jumped and spilled her tea on him.

"You have to warn me before you do something like that," Hermione insisted, taking care to keep her voice low.

Mr Malfoy blinked at her. "Ah, yes – that's quite common, isn't it? How foolish of me."

Hermione floundered. "Just – maybe we can be one of those couples that don't touch."

Mr Malfoy stared at her with such incredulity that it seemed he was beyond the point of speech.

Hermione glared at him. "We were meant to have time to figure this out!" she insisted.

He sighed as though she were the very bane of his existence. "Very well."

"I'll come up with an excuse to leave," Hermione said.

He rolled his eyes. "Fine."

"And I'll see you tomorrow to discuss details."

"I've changed my mind."

Hermione stopped short, narrowing her eyes. "What? You can't change your mind!" she hissed.

"Can't I?" Mr Malfoy said contemptuously, flicking his head so that his sheet of silvery hair caught her attention, distracting her. Merlin, she really had to ask what products he used on it.

No! She would not be deterred.

"Why? Afraid you won't be able to keep up the act?" Hermione chided, hoping to goad him into proving her wrong.

"I'm certainly afraid that one of us won't be able to," Mr Malfoy said lazily, both brows raised.

Hermione bit her tongue to stop herself from cursing him.

Mr Malfoy seemed to relent at her expression and he sighed again. "What exactly are you asking for?"

"Seven public appearances together as a couple," Hermione said quickly. "No one-on-one dinner dates," she added, seeing his eyebrows rise suggestively. "Just parties and functions, and only in places where lots of people would see us."

"And what happens after these seven appearances?"

"We break up."

"And who comes off looking worse in that situation?"

Hermione tried not to flinch. That one was tricky. "We can burn that bridge when we get to it."

He narrowed his eyes, unimpressed. "Four public appearances."

"Six," Hermione offered.

"Five."

"Six," Hermione said, crossing her arms. "Please," she added, seeing him open his mouth to argue.

He met her stare and, after a heart stopping moment, rolled his eyes. "Six."

"Done." Hermione swallowed, mollified. He turned to leave and she held a hand up. "Wait –"

"Yes?" Mr Malfoy said, his tone sharp. "What now?" His gleaming eyes searched her face. "Don't tell me you'd like it in writing?"

Hermione stared at him nervously. "Of course not," she said unconvincingly.

Mr Malfoy's mouth seemed to twitch as though it couldn't choose between a smile or a sneer.

"Very well," he said eventually. "I don't know what else I expected from the witch who follows LEGO instructions like they're a sacred text."

"I'll make sure the print is extra large," Hermione replied scathingly. "I wouldn't want you to have to use your glasses."

"Perfect," Mr Malfoy said, his voice heavy with sarcasm. "Now, can you go back in there and hold my hand before they ask what's taking so long? I'm afraid Miss Weasley might hazard a guess as to what we're doing, and I shudder to think at what she might come up with."

Hermione shot him an icy stare, and firmly took his hand. It was warm and smooth beneath her palm.

"Don't you dare mention wands," she huffed, and was secretly pleased when he chuckled.

That. That was the worst part. She should not have been pleased. It was very bad that she had been pleased.

It was no use explaining the ramifications of being pleased to these two: Luna would fail to see the issue in the first place and Ginny would simply end up jumping to the wrong conclusion.

"He's fine, Hermione," Ginny scoffed. "And he's willing to go along with your plan to annoy my brother – so really, what's the issue?"

"I just – I want to keep our relationship strictly professional," Hermione said firmly.

"You're worried that you'll become friends?" Luna asked, and Hermione gratefully jumped at the suggestion.

"Friends!" she said. "Exactly. I don't want to be friends."

Ginny rolled her eyes. "Okay. So let's make a list."

Hermione and Luna stared at her.

"I don't think I've ever heard you say those words in my life," Hermione said dazedly.

"A list," Ginny insisted. "Of all the terrible things he's done, or stuff about him that annoys you. So that when you're feeling friendly, or when you want to play with his hair —"

"I don't!"

"Debatable," Ginny said slyly.

Hermione took a measured sip of wine. "Fine," she said daintily. "Fine, let's write one right now."

She soon regretted enlisting Ginny and Luna's help to create such a list; neither of them were very helpful.

+ Owned Dobby and treated him terribly.

+ Probably terrible to all house elves.

+ Entitled prick.

+ Death Eater (WHY WASN'T THIS ONE HIGHER, GUYS?)

+ Kept Luna in a BASEMENT! (We all did things in the war we're not proud of.) LUNA ARE YOU JOKING? HE KEPT YOU IN A BASEMENT

+ Son was (is?) a twat.

+ Rude. (Very rude!)

+ Basically opened the Chamber of Secrets and tried to pin it on the Weasleys.

+ Tried to get rid of Dumbledore.

+ Tried to have Buckbeak executed.

+ Son was a twat.

+ Lickable FUCK OFF, GINNY, MAKE YOUR OWN LIST

+ Total knob.

+ Gave me wine when I was sad.

+ Smells good.

+ POMPOUS PRAT!

"I think it may have gotten away from us," Hermione said dourly.

"I think you may be right," Ginny said from the floor, cuddling a bottle of wine. Luna was asleep in her chair and Crookshanks was curiously pawing her to see if she was merely faking. Upon learning that she was not, he proceeded to help himself to her cup of cold tea.

"I loathe him," Hermione announced, getting to her feet unsteadily and sticking the list to their fridge. "He's loathe-able. Ha."

Lucius Malfoy was terrible. Here was the proof. There was no reason for them ever to be friends. Not that she wanted to be his friend. Or liked him. Or thought that the way he made Smith apologise to her had been fucking fantastic. Or that holding his hand hadn't been too bad.

Hermione frowned. Wait, what had that last part been?

"Do you think Neville will bring home McDonalds if we ask him?" Ginny wondered aloud and Hermione gasped, all thoughts of Mr Malfoy leaving her head.

"I want chicken nuggets!" she exclaimed.