Mob loved movie night.
Well she did now, anyway. They had never had an official movie night before, her and all of her friends minus Sho, and this was the first one. One was enough to decide if she loved it, right? It was nice. She was sitting on the couch next to Minegishi and Shimazaki, and Shimazaki had an arm around Minegishi and he was holding them like they were his theyfriend which was very nice, and also there was kettle corn. That was how this whole thing had started. Mob had wanted kettle corn, she had been wanting something sweet all day really but she really wanted kettle corn, but specifically she had wanted the kettle corn that they had at Disney World. She hadn't gone in a while, eventually she and Sho had gotten bored of going since they had been to every single one at least four times now, but she sort of wanted to go today just for the kettle corn.
Minegishi hadn't wanted to go with.
They didn't like the heat, they didn't like crowds, and Disney World in the summer was all heat and crowds. Also they didn't like kettle corn because sugar was poison…even though Mob had seen them finish off a two liter of orange soda and a whole box of chocolates in under ten minutes….and they hadn't even wanted to go after Mob told them about all of the other types of popcorn they had. They had with extra butter and also spicy wasabi and plain, even though plain was really boring, but Minegishi said that they weren't going to go to Disney World just for popcorn. Shimazaki would have gone with but he had to get his tattoo finished and also he was banned from Disney World anyway. Mob didn't know why, Minegishi hadn't let him tell her, all they had said was that there had been some unpleasantness and he could never go back.
Also Minegishi had said that going all the way to Disney World for popcorn was a dumb idea.
They had popcorn at home, they had said, and also they just didn't much like going outside when it was hot. So she stayed inside with them and they read books and watched TV and also they let her paint their fingernails, toenails, and also they let her do their makeup even though they said that makeup was bad for the skin. It had been a fun day but Mob had been wanting to eat something sweet, specifically kettle corn, all day. Then Shibata had come home, though, and he knew how to make kettle corn and then Shimazaki said that it was weird eating popcorn without watching and movie and then the next thing Mob knew they were writing down the names of movies, Minegishi helped Shimazaki, and putting them in a hat.
Shibata won.
Now they were watching a movie about a giant boat called the Titanic. This was a nice movie. The main girl was called Rose and she was in love with a boy named Jack, and Jack was really cute but not nearly as cute as Hatori, but they couldn't be together because he was poor and she was rich and also she was supposed to marry someone else but she didn't love him, and also he yelled at her and was mean which was not good at all, but Mob got the feeling that Rose and Jack would get together at the end. That was how it always went in these movies. The boy and the girl fell in love and got together and lived happily ever after. Life didn't work out that way, though, but that was why they were watching a movie and not a documentary. If life worked out that way then she would have still had a mom, Sho wouldn't have been a whole world away from his girlfriend, she would have had a boyfriend…possibly Hatori she still wasn't sure of….a lot of things about that, and Shimazaki and Minegishi would have been married with a bunch of little babies right now. Life and movies were different but that was ok. Movies were fun and watching them made you feel all good inside.
Kind of warm, mostly, also a little bit squirmy.
Also her stomach still hurt a little. Maybe that was because, like Minegishi said, her diet was terrible. For breakfast she'd had eggs and ketchup with dad and then for lunch she'd had a box of Frozen cereal and an apple to make it healthy, and then for dinner she'd gone home and had more eggs and ketchup with dad, and then she came back here and now she was eating kettle corn and drinking strawberry milk, with a little bit of vodka because Shimazaki was nice like that, and maybe that was why her stomach hurt. She didn't know. It had been like this for a couple of days now.
It would probably get better on it's own.
The bad feeling and the good feeling. The good feeling was back because….well two things. The first thing being that this was a beautiful love story and she just knew that Rose and Jack were going to get together, Rose invited Jack to her room after all and you were only supposed to do that with boys would were in love with Minori had said, and the second thing being that Hatori was near. He was sitting on the floor by her feet and if she had wanted to she could have kicked him. Well not in a mean way but…well he was close. His sweater was blue and her sock was blue and she wanted to see what kind of blue that they would make if they were together…and she sort of wanted to be together with him…down on the floor and stuff…but not like…like Rose and Jack together because….well she didn't know it was just a lot…but she could have leaned forward just a little bit and kicked him…and he would have thought that it was an accident and….
And he was close and….
"Mob, close your eyes." Said Minegishi. Mob sat up straight and looked at the TV…which was the opposite of what she had been told to do. She couldn't help it. It had been a reflex. It was better to be caught looking at the screen than to be caught looking at the back of Hatori's sweater….but maybe she should have closed her eyes because….
Wow.
That was…she knew that they made these kinds of movies. She knew that there were movies where people took off all of their clothes but…wow. She was naked. Rose was naked and she had asked Jack to draw her like one of his French girls, he drew them naked but that was ok because naked people were more artistic than people with clothes on, and Rose was laying down on her couch and she only had her pretty necklace on and…well Mob couldn't see anything….but, well, she was a girl too so she knew what Rose looked like naked, but Jack was a boy and he hadn't known what she looked like naked…but she was naked and…
And Mob couldn't see anything.
"Mob, what did I just say?" asked Minegishi as they covered her eyes. Mob didn't know what the big deal was. She was a girl, she knew what girls looked like naked, and also it wasn't like they were showing anything. She was just…well it was more…better that she wasn't all the way naked…well she was but the camera was angled so they didn't show anything but…it was so…well kind of romantic and….well Mob had never seen anything so romantic in a movie before and….and she had liked it but also…also she was surrounded by all of her friends and….and maybe being surrounded by all of her friends during movie night was not the time or the place to be feeling like…she was starting to feel right now…
Especially since Hatori was right there….and now she was thinking about him a little bit…and also she should have been thinking of a way to answer Minegishi.
"You said not to look but…um…she's a girl and I'm a girl….so I don't know why it's not ok to see Rose naked." Said Mob
"It's not that it's not ok, Mob, I just don't feel like answering any questions right now…like why we picked this movie in the first place." Said Minegishi
"It was the will of the hat, Toshi, the will of the hat…but to be fair I wanted to watch Yellow Submarine." Said Shimazaki
"And I wanted to watch Akira…so yeah….we could have been watching Akira right now." Said Hatori
"I'm sorry everyone. I kind of forgot about that scene. Here, let me fast forward." Said Shibata. Mob wanted to tell him not to, that she wanted to see what happened, because it felt like Rose and Jack were finally going to kiss…but then everyone would have thought that she wanted to look at naked people and….well she didn't want to see anyone naked, not even Hatori and he was Hatori, she just wanted to watch people be in love and stuff….
But she didn't say anything.
She just let Shibata fast forward the movie until Rose had her clothes back on. That was…well she always wore such pretty dresses…but she was sad to see that Rose and Jack hadn't kissed yet. They were in love and it didn't matter that Rose was rich and Jack was poor, or that she was getting married to someone else since he was a jerk and they weren't in love, Rose and Jack were in love and they should have kissed…but not more than kissed because Mob did not feel like watching a more than kissing movie with her friends. That would have been really gross and really awkward. More awkward than watching someone get drawn naked….and it had been awkward and…and that was why she couldn't stop thinking about it.
Because it was awkward.
It must have been very awkward to film that. The actress who played Rose had to be naked in front of the actor who played Jack…and also the whole crew….and that must have been the worst. It was amazing what some people would do for their work. You always had to take your work very seriously, dad had said, everything that you had and everything that you were you had to give….and Mob was very happy that in Claw nobody ever had to be naked for any reason. She didn't think that she would have stayed in Claw if she'd ever had to have been naked in front of a whole bunch of people….or even one person. Nope. Not for work and not if she was in love…well maybe when she was in love…but she would have to have been REALLY in love…and older…and stuff….since the thought of any boy seeing her naked was just…
Awkward.
The only boy who had ever seen her naked was her brother and even then they had stopped taking baths together and changing clothes in the same room a while ago. Also family didn't count because family was family. The thought of a boy seeing her naked like….like he loved her and he wanted to do more than kissing stuff with her….that was just…awkward. She knew that she was supposed to want to, that was part of having a boyfriend and she really wanted to have a boyfriend, but the thought of any boy….but especially Hatori since she liked him, seeing her naked was just….
Awkward.
She pulled her sweater close around her while she balanced her popcorn bowl on her knees. This was not the time or the place to be thinking thoughts like that. She was with her friends and she was watching a movie and…and also she should have been paying closer attention because the guy who was supposed to marry Rose hit her in the face….and that was wrong you weren't supposed to hit people…and he had framed Jack and….oh no. This was so sad. Now they would never be together and….and the whole thing was just really sad…but that was a lot like life. In life love didn't always work out. Sometimes the person you love got framed and then you had to marry someone who you didn't like.
Or something like that.
Maybe not that specific thing but in life, a lot of the time, love didn't work out. Like how mom was gone. Dad missed her a lot even though he said that she was a traitor and stuff. He sometimes dreamt about her. Mob could tell. Dad sometimes held her close and called her mom and kissed the back of her head and stuff. She stopped waking him up, not unless he started to crush her, because every time she woke him up from a mom dream he sent her to make him night time breakfast. He probably just wanted to be alone. She dreamt about mom too sometimes. She dreamt that she was in the old house and mom was there and….and Mob could never remember what mom said or did in these dreams but she always woke up expecting to see her but….but of course she wasn't there…
So sometimes love didn't always work out.
Mob hoped that it worked out when she found someone who loved her. Someone who was nice to her all the time and thought about her. Someone who wanted to make her happy but also someone who she wanted to make happy. Someone who wanted to kiss her and stuff. Dad had told her that she would meet her most perfect person someday and then she would marry him and have kids but then dad would be there and they would live together and take care of her kids and he would even be there when they came out of her stomach…..and she wasn't sure where her most perfect person was in all of this, dad just sort of forgot about him when he talked about how good the future would be, and she was looking forward to meeting this person….but also…
Also it might not have worked out.
Real life was different from the movies. In the movies, in this movie specifically, Rose went looking for Jack and now they were running and hiding….even though maybe she should have waited until the boat made it to America because there were only so many places to run and hide on a boat…and it was nice but Mob knew that in real life Rose could have just left Jack all alone…and the other way around….because that was how love worked. Sometimes the person you loved most in the whole world, your most perfect person, left you. Sometimes they left you and then…and then that was it. People got dumped, sometimes Mob got the feeling that mom had dumped dad but had just forgotten that you were supposed to actually tell the person that you were dumping that you were dumping them, and then your heart got broken and you were sad for the rest of your life. You got so sad, even, that you never got into another relationship again even if you met someone who loved you more than anything else in the whole world.
Like with what had happened with Minegishi.
They had Shimazaki and he loved them. He loved them and he wanted to be their boyfriend but they had been dumped and their heart had stayed broken after their girlfriend dumped them, and that lady had better hope that she never ran into Mob because boy would she do….something, and now Minegishi was so hurt that they didn't want to get into a relationship with Shimazaki even though he was perfect…very good….he was a nice person when he wasn't acting crazy. Like now. He was holding Minegishi and letting them rest their head on his chest and he was rubbing their back and…and they both looked so happy and in love and….and Mob wished that she had someone to hold her like that and to love her like that….
And also she wished that Minegishi would just stop telling her what she could and could not see already.
"Mob, don't look." Said Minegishi. Mob didn't get why she wasn't supposed to look. They were just hanging out in a car. Jack was pretending to drive and they were all happy because they had escaped. Mob didn't get what she wasn't supposed to see.
"What's going on? What can't I see?" asked Mob. Shibata made a choking noise and tried to pick up the remote but it fell and slide under the coffee table. Now he and Hatori were looking for it like it was some big emergency. Mob didn't get it. She also didn't get why Minegishi was trying to cover her eyes…or why Shimazaki was laughing. He didn't even know what was going on, the narration was off because Minegishi had said that it was annoying. Mob just…did not get her friends sometimes. This was just…well obviously they were kissing in the backseat of the car. Minori said that kissing in cars was fun and also good if you needed privacy….and of course you were going to kiss in a private place…
And also bang your hang against the window?
"Mob, when I tell you not to look at something then you listen to me and you don't look." Said Minegishi with a sigh, the kind of sigh that they did when they were very tired. Mob didn't know what they were so tired about. It wasn't like Rose and Jack had been naked. They had just been kissing in the car….and Mob didn't know what had happened next because Shibata had hit fast forward….and now he was hitting rewind because he had gone too far ahead….and this was more annoying, and hard to watch, then Rose banging her hand against the window of the old fashioned car.
"But what couldn't I see? They were just kissing." Said Mob
"Wait, they were kissing in that scene? I always thought that they were f-" said Shimazaki before Minegishi shoved a handful of kettle corn into his mouth. That was sort of dangerous. If he choked then he would die since they had no healer…and also even if Fukuda had been here and Shimazaki started to choke then they would have had to invite him to the movie night after he saved Shimazaki…and then maybe he would have wanted to stay…and then movie night would have been ruined.
"They were kissing! They were kissing and…and nothing more!" said Shibata as he started pushing buttons on the remote like he was dad at the end of a game of Space Invaders. Mob didn't get it. She was lost, clueless, and….and she thought that this was maybe something that she was supposed to get but….well she didn't get it.
"Ok….but why was she banging her hand against the glass? Did she not want to kiss him? Because it seemed like she did….I don't get it…also you went too far back. Now it's at the part where she's naked again." said Mob. Now she was laying down on the couch with nothing but the necklace on…and that was way worse than her and Jack kissing in a car. At least they'd had all their clothes on for that part.
"God damn it!" said Shibata. Mob covered her mouth. Wow. She had never heard him curse before…and she hadn't thought that he even knew how. Well there was a first time for everything she supposed…though she didn't get what all of the excitement was about…and also why nobody would answer her question.
"I still don't get it, though. What was that all about?" asked Mob. She turned to Minegishi and Shimazaki. They were usually really good at answering her questions. Mostly Minegishi, though, but Shimazaki knew about things too. They were both really smart and if they'd had a baby then it would have been the smartest baby in the whole world.
"Well she and Jack were-" said Shimazaki before Minegishi stuffed another handful of kettle corn into his mouth even though they must have known that it was a dangerous thing to do.
"She was having a good time, ok? That's all you need to know." Said Minegishi
"Ok….so when people kiss they bang on windows?" asked Mob scratching her head. She had never seen that before…but then again in her movies nobody had ever done any kissing in cars before. Not even in the movie Cars….even though baby cars had to come from somewhere…it had been a confusing movie. All movies were confusing, it seemed, though they would have been less confusing if people would have just explained things to her already.
"Mob…ask me these things later. Just watch the movie….and Shibata just get to the part with the iceberg already." said Minegishi. Mob frowned. She knew that this was one of those things they would talk about later, when she got older, but they had been telling her that they would tell her things when she was older since she had been eight. It had been three years, how much older did she have to get?
"Wait…maybe we should just watch something else. I mean she's just a kid and this movie…well…she might be a little too young for this movie." Said Hatori. Mob….she was not a kid and….and Hatori thought that she was a kid. If he thought that she was a kid then maybe he didn't like her and…and she may not have wanted to do more than kissing stuff with him, and he probably did since he was older, she still wanted….well she wanted to be his girlfriend and….and he wouldn't have wanted to be her boyfriend if he thought that she was a kid….and she didn't even know if he liked her…and Minegishi had said that he didn't and….and this whole thing was very confusing and it made her stomach hurt.
"No! I mean, I'm not too young. I'm eleven, and I'll be twelve next year, and…and I'm not too young. I'll stop asking questions now." Said Mob. She was asking too many questions. Obviously these were things that adults knew about and that kids didn't….and she was a kid but…but also she was an adult. Sort of. She took care of her family and stuff but she was still eleven and…and she didn't even know all the things that an eleven year old was supposed to know. Every time she talked to Minori it seemed like there was something new that she had to hear about because…well she didn't know everything that she was supposed to know…and how was she supposed to know everything if her friends didn't tell her? It felt like they were keeping something from her and they didn't have to. She wasn't a baby. She knew that people did more than kiss, they took off all their clothes and fit together like puzzle pieces, and she knew that babies got into moms' stomachs that way. She knew things and they didn't have to keep them from her.
She was eleven, she was young, but she was not a baby.
She didn't like being treated like a baby but…but also she knew when to stop asking questions. Minegishi would tell her when she was older, which probably meant that they would tell her when she was their age, but she had another friend who she could talk about this with. She would ask Minori about this the next time they talked….and anything else that came up that she didn't get…not that it looked like anything else like that would come up…because the boat hit an iceberg.
Then the movie got scary.
The boat hit an iceberg and then…and then it started to sink. Well of course it started to sink….that was what happened when boats hit icebergs. Even giant ones made of metal. It was amazing how something made of ice could poke a hole into something made of metal…and also how they filmed something like this. Did they really sink the giant boat? But then….no. That would have been dangerous. This was just a movie. Nobody actually got hurt in the movies. This was just a movie and…and she had seen a lot of movies. She knew how movies ended. Sometimes bad things happened but in the end everything worked out.
Except for the times when it didn't.
All of those poor people…..all of those poor people on that boat…and also how…how they only let the rich people on the lifeboats like….like their lives were worth more just because they had more money. Money was just a means to an end. Dad had told her so. Dad had told her that money was just an object that people used to fulfil their goals, that was all, and had no value in and of its self. Because money had no intrinsic value that meant that rich people were no better than poor people. The only thing that mattered, dad had said, was power. Power and those who were strong enough to control it. That was why he was going to rule the world, he had said, because he was the most powerful esper in the world. Dad….dad knew everything and…and…and….
And Mob wanted her dad.
Mob had seen plenty of scary movies before, scary movies with blood and guts were Sho's favorites after all, and there had been moments when she had wanted her dad…but not like this. This was….this was worse than watching people getting their organs ripped out and stuff. This was…all of those poor people….the water must have been so cold….and Rose should have STAYED ON THE BOAT! SHE HAD BEEN ON A BOAT AND- and this was just a movie. Mob reminded herself that this was just a movie. She was not scared or sad. She was…this was just a movie.
She finished her milk.
This was just a movie.
She finished her kettle corn.
This was just a movie….and she was proud of herself for remembering that this was just a movie. She didn't cry or run away or….or anything. Because she was not a baby. She was an adult…a kid….a kidult….and this was just a movie. She knew what was real from what was fake and…and this had been just a movie and…and Jack had died and then old lady Rose just…threw the necklace into the ocean and…and then she went to sleep and…and she and Jack were together in heaven and….and it was just a movie and….
And nobody else was upset.
"Toshi? Hey, come on. Movie's over." Said Shimazaki as he ran his hand up and down Minegishi's back like he was petting a cat. That was nice, them loving each other, or at least him loving them and….and she tried to focus on how nice the scene in front of her was and not on how sad that scene with the frozen baby was…or the part where they went back and all of the people were frozen….or the part where Rose had to let Jack go because he was frozen….and maybe they should have just watched Frozen.
"….Titanic the director's cut….too damn long…." Muttered Minegishi. They turned their head more into Shimazaki's chest. He kissed the top of their head and teleported away, probably to go to bed, and Mob…she should have been happy…because they were acting like they loved each other and she loved….she loved a good love story. She loved a love story where everyone got together in the end and were happy and….and nobody froze to death or drowned…..and she just…she knew that it was just a movie. Nobody had actually drowned. Nobody had actually died and babies didn't freeze to death in the water and the poor later and her baby would have lived if they had just let all the people onto the lifeboats and….and they hadn't and all of the people died and…and she knew that it was just a movie but….
But she still wanted her dad.
She knew that she was being a baby, being all scared of a movie and stuff, but she really wanted her dad. Well she wanted Minegishi but they were asleep and they needed all the sleep that they could get…and also she wanted her mom but mom was off somewhere where she could never be found….so she wanted her dad. Dad was….dad could make her feel better. She felt…scared and sad and…and she knew that she was being a baby but…but she just wanted to be safe. Dad always made her feel safe…well not when he was hurting Sho but he hadn't done that in a while….and he was always saying how it was his job to protect her and….
And she wanted her dad.
So she went to him. She said goodnight to Shibata, she would have said goodnight to Hatori but he had fallen asleep at the coffee table, and then she went back to her own house. It was late but dad might still have been up. Sometimes he stayed up late to do very important work, Minecraft, and…and she wanted this to be one of the nights where he stayed up late. She wanted this to be one of those nights where he stayed up late at the kitchen table and…and she expected him to be there. She crossed the yard and opened the door and expected dad to be there and to hold her close and tell her that everything would be ok….
But he wasn't there.
She could feel his aura. He was in his room. He was in his room and…and he was sleeping so…so she shouldn't bother him. She went to her room. She knew not to bother him while he was asleep and…and it was kind of late…so she went to her room. She went to her room and reminded herself that it had just been a movie. It had all been pretend and…and she felt like a little kid again. She felt like the time she and Sho had figured out how to get past the parent locks on the TV and then they saw that show about the people who ate people and….
And now she was thinking about that.
She didn't want to think about any of that. It was all pretend, liked mom had said, back when she and Sho had been little mom had said so. She had sat them down on their beds and told them that it was all pretend and that they needed to remember that things like that would never happen to them because they had a mom and dad who loved them very much…and also they had each other….and then she had gone to her own bed because dad had been home and he hadn't liked her and Sho sleeping in the same bed as him and mom back then…so she had gone and slept in Sho's bed…or maybe Sho had come and slept in her bed….
She couldn't remember.
But that didn't matter. Sho was gone. He was far away and she was alone in their room. She changed into her pajamas and tried to lay down in her own bed. Her stomach hurt and her eyes hurt from trying not to cry…but it was hard. Rose and Jack had loved each other but then Jack died and then….and then all of those other people had died too. They had all died in the cold water and…and the little baby had died too…and babies weren't supposed to die. Babies were supposed to live because they had just been born and….and there was so much more to life than crying and sucking on a pacifier…and spitting up….and pulling hair…and wearing little baby socks….
She reached inside of her pillow case.
She didn't take the little baby sock out. She just held onto it. Mukai…baby Mukai was ok…wherever she was. She hadn't frozen to death in the ocean. She was with her new mom and dad and…and her new brother and sister too probably…and she was fine. She was happy and…and she was alive and…and her story had a good ending. She hadn't frozen to death and…and that poor little baby had been in the water and…and at least it hadn't been alone. It had a mom like baby Mukai had a mom….and Mob didn't. She didn't have a mom anymore. She didn't have a mom to hold her close and tell her that it had all been for pretend…..
But she did have a dad.
She had a dad and…and dad loved her. He loved her now more than he had ever loved her before. Before, when she had been little, he would have just told her that she was being tiresome and that she needed to learn the difference between fantasy and reality but now…now he loved her and…and he wouldn't mind if she went to go to sleep next to him. He would have been so happy and…and she wanted to be with him and feel better and….and she was getting herself so worked up that her stomach was hurting worse than eve and….
And she wanted her dad.
So she went to him. He was her dad and he loved her….and he wasn't that far away. Not like Sho. Dad was just down the hall but Sho…well she had no idea where he was…and mom was even farther away and….and she at least had a dad. So she went the short distance down the hall to his room…and then she opened his door. She knew that she should have knocked first but if she knocked then she might have woken him up…and she just needed to be near him….
And that was ok.
She opened his door slowly and then tiptoed to her side of the bed. Dad was asleep on his back, now, with his hands folded. That was how he slept when he was all alone. She didn't know why. He looked sort of like he was dead when he slept like that…and she didn't want to think about that. Him being dead. Anyone being dead. She wanted….she wanted everyone in the whole world to be alive. Dad had told her that all who've walked this Earth have died but…but she wanted them all to be alive again right now. Everyone who had ever died but…not like zombies….just not dead anymore….
And that made no sense.
She wasn't making sense. None of this made sense. Maybe she had drank too much. Shimazaki had done one third vodka and the rest milk, because she seemed like she needed it he had said, and maybe that had been too much. That would have made sense…why she wasn't making sense. She just….she knew that she wasn't making sense but right now she didn't want to make sense. She just wanted to be near her dad….so that was what she did. She laid down as carefully as she could next to him. She tucked herself in as carefully as she could. She did her best not to wake him.
Her best hadn't been good enough.
"Masami?" asked Dad asked dad and he rolled over and put an arm around her. He was still half asleep, she could tell by his aura, and also by the fact that he had used mom's name. He talked to mom a lot in his sleep….but she didn't want him to talk to mom now. She didn't even want to think about her mom. She just wanted to go to sleep….with her dad….and she wanted dad to know that she was her and…and she just really wanted her dad.
Well mom too, and little brother, and baby sister, but also her dad.
"No, it's me. It's Mo-Shigeko. It's Shigeko." Said Mob. Dad had been trying to pull her close but then he stopped. His eyes opened really fast and the lights flickered on for a second. He sat up really fast. She sat up too. He seemed….not mad. No, she knew when he was mad. He just seemed….well he wasn't mad and that was what mattered.
"Daughter. What are you….why are you here? What is it?" asked dad as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He wasn't mad but his aura was….well it had been…she didn't know. He wasn't mad at her and that was what mattered.
"I just wanted to be with you." Said Mob softly. She didn't know how to tell him that…that she didn't want to die….and that she didn't want anyone to die…and that she didn't want baby Mukai to die…and that she had gotten all worked up over a movie of all things. He loved her but…but he also would have thought that she was being ridiculous.
"No. Something is wrong. Your aura. I can see your aura. What's wrong?" asked dad. He had her wrist in one hand and her face in the other. He was tilting her head up so she was looking him in the eyes. There wasn't a lot of light in there, most of it was coming from the streetlights and moon outside, but she could see his eyes and how small his pupils were…and she could feel his aura on hers….and she knew that he was….worried and….and she didn't want him to worry. She just wanted…she just wanted him to tell her that she was going to be ok. That was all.
"I just….the boat sank That's all. The boat sank and it was very sad." Said Mob. She didn't want him to go back to how he had been before. She didn't want him to tell her that she was being ridiculous and push her out of bed like he had, before, when she had been little and scared. She wanted…she wanted dad the way he was now…smothering and all.
"Boat? What boat?" asked dad as he let go of her. For a moment she thought that he was going to push her out of bed. She thought that he was going to tell her that she had to be big, now, and that she had to stop being ridiculous and then she would have been pushed to the floor…but he didn't do any of that. He just stared at her.
"The big boat, the Titanic, it sank." Said Mob. He didn't understand…and of course he didn't. He hadn't been invited to the movie night. She and Hatori had been outvoted.
"….yes. I'm aware of the Titanic. It sank some time ago. Why does this bother you?" asked dad. Mob…well she knew that it was an old movie…so he must have seen it…and that meant that it wasn't as fresh in his mind but…but it was still a sad movie and she knew that he could feel sadness. He didn't like to feel sadness but he was capable of it.
"You saw that movie too?" asked Mob
"Yes, I've seen it….but why does it bother you? That film was made years before you were born and the actual boat sank over a century ago." Said dad. Mob wanted to turn the lights on….and she almost did. They flickered alive for a second, long enough for dad to hiss and close his eyes, before they went off again. What did he just…it….it…IT REALLY HAPPENED?!
"Wait…the Titanic was real? All of those people actually died?" asked Mob. She tried to speak as slowly and as clearly as she could so that he would understand. Dad….maybe he was wrong or he had misheard her or….or something because….because that could not have happened. All of those people could not have died at once…because that would have just been too sad…much too sad….
"Yes. Many people died. Why do you care?" asked dad. He said that in the same way that he said everything else and…and she had no idea how he could just be so calm and….and normal…about that. People died….all kinds of people….people in love…people with families…people who weren't very nice…moms and dad….babies….poor little babies that hadn't even had a chance to do anything….they just….died….
"But…even the little babies? They died too?" asked Mob. Babies were not allowed to die. Babies were good people. Babies hadn't had the chance to be anything other good people. Babies did not die. They could not die. Mukai could not die. She was a baby and babies didn't die, they grew up, old people died. Dying was for old people and…and really sick people too…but not babies! Not babies and not moms and not dads and not brothers and not sisters and not people in love! Just….only old people and people who were very sick and…and not babies!
"Yes. Many babies died when the Titanic sank. Why do you care?" asked dad. How could he ask something like that? Babies were dying and…he didn't know why she would…what? What HAPPENED inside of his brain that he WOULDN'T care?!
"Why do I care? Dad….babies died! Babies died and kids died and people who were in love died and…and all the people died!" said Mob. She wiped her eyes. Dad didn't get it. How could he not get it? What…why did he have to be like this? She just…she was crying now. Her eyes were all wet and she was getting the sleeve of her nightshirt all wet and….and dad…he was just staring at her like he had never seen a person crying before. She knew that he had. Mom had cried a lot.
"Daughter…people die all the time. For every second that passes two people die." Said dad. He said is slowly like he was talking to someone who didn't speak Japanese…but she spoke Japanese. She was Japanese. She knew what he was saying, the words, but somehow…it made no sense….
"….what?" asked Mob. She must have misunderstood. How did….how did he know that? How could anyone have figured that out…and how could it have been so many people? If two people died every second then…then Mukai could have been one of those two people….or Sho since she hadn't seen him in a while…or mom and she was gone…and maybe dad could be one of those people since he was old and he lived mostly on eggs and bread and ketchup….and she didn't want anyone to die!
"For every second that passes approximately two people die. On average almost two hundred thousand people die every day. Every one hundred and two seconds someone dies in the war, every sixty one seconds someone is murdered, every thirty nine seconds someone commits suicide, every twenty seconds someone dies in a car accident, every three seconds someone starves to death, and every three seconds a child under the age of five dies. That includes babies. Death is a part of life that we all must grow to accept. So stop crying." Said dad. He said all of that like he was reading from his Minecraft inventory…no. He at least got excited, dad excited, about his Minecraft inventory. This was…like he was reading from a shopping list or something….and how could he just…..just say all of that like…like it was nothing? Like he was just….he was talking about people dying and…and he was just saying it like…like he was just saying normal words….
"That's terrible! Why?! Why do people have to die? Even little babies have to die….why!?" cried Mob. Now she was sobbing. She was sobbing into the sleeve of her nightshirt…and she wished that she had brought her sweater. She wished that she had brought her sweater so that she could have crawled into it and disappeared forever. She just…how could dad have just…how did he even KNOW that!? And how could he have just said that and…
And she wanted to be held.
But dad did not hold her. No. Instead he put his hands on either of her shoulders and looked at her. She looked back at him. It was hard to see him through her tears and in the dark so she focused on his aura. It was calm, all red and yellow and calm, while her aura was being all….her hair was floating and the bed was trying to float…and she was trying to float away…but dad was stopping her. He was stopping her from floating away bed and all….
But he wasn't holding her…and she got the feeling that he wasn't going to tell her that it would all be ok.
"Daughter….you are having an existential crisis right now. This is normal. I had one when I was a little older than you….I did not cry about it but I'm incapable of crying…..and listen to me. You will die. I will die. Everyone on this planet will die. They will all be replaced by new people. That is existence. Eventually the sun will explode and then collapse in on it's self. You and I will be nothing. This planet will be nothing. That is fine. Our lives may be meaningless on a cosmic scale but that's fine. It's what we do with our lives that matters. You and I are the most powerful amongst everyone else in the world. Therefore we will rule the world. Therefore we can die peacefully. Does that make you feel better at all?" asked dad. He was still holding onto her…and he was still looking at her…and he was still talking to her like he was reading from a shopping list and….and how could he have just….in what way did any of that help?!
"No! Of course not!" said Mob. She didn't want to think about dying. She didn't want to think about dying or people she knew dying or people she didn't know dying or the sun going out or…or ruling the world or….or anything like that! She just wanted….she just wanted him to tell her that she was going to be ok…even if it wasn't true she just wanted him to tell her that it was going to be ok…that everything was going to be ok….
"Oh. Well then I have no idea what I can possibly say to you to make this…crying…stop." Said dad as he let her go. He let her go but he just kept on staring at her like she was a bug under a magnifying glass or something…and she had no idea what he could see in the dark…but she wasn't going to try and figure it out. She just…she just wanted…why couldn't he just tell her that she was going to be ok?!
"Just….I want my dad! I want you! I want you to be here and….and tell me that I'm going to be ok and…and that everything is going to be ok and….and that little babies don't die and….just make me feel better! Why don't you know how to make me feel better!?" cried Mob. He said that he loved her but…but then he went and acted like he didn't know what love even was! If he had been mom then he would have made her feel better…but he wasn't mom, he was dad, and dads...this was not their job. This was a mom thing. This was a Mob thing. If she had been dad and Sho had been her then she would have known how to make him feel better….because she was filling in for mom…but dad was still dad and…and she shouldn't have expected dad to know how to make her feel better…because this was not his job. Mom had made her feel better but now mom was gone…and her friends made her feel better but they had all gone to bed…so it was just her and dad and…
And maybe she had been asking too much of him….even though he was her dad…but he wasn't mom and it wasn't fair of her to ask him to be….
"I…your mother…said the same thing to me and…and I have no idea how to make you feel better…because I am not you. I told you something that…that made me feel better…when I realized that I would die someday. You are not me…you are your own person…and I have never been able to understand others but…but I will try….my best. You are…disturbed at the idea of a baby dying and…and that is something which I find disturbing as well. The loss of life…of potential….it is very saddening and…and you don't need to worry about that. The world has billions of people on it and they will die but…but you don't need to worry about your own untimely death. I will always be here to protect you. Do you understand me, Daughter? Shigeko? Do you understand that…if I had been there on the Titanic…or any sinking ship….I would not have allowed that to happen. You know that, right? That I would never have allowed any of the errors that had led that boat to sink? And neither would you have, right? Therefore there is no point to speculating but…but know that I will do anything to keep you safe and alive. You are my Daughter and….and you are the most precious thing in this world to me….and I love you more than I know how to express through words and actions." Said dad. He got quiet towards the end…and he stopped looking at her. He took his eyes and his aura off of her and…and there was something in his voice towards the end and…and he….he at least admitted that he didn't know what he was doing and…and he had tried….and he loved her….and that was what mattered.
"I love you too dad….can I sleep here tonight? With you? Please?" asked Mob as she put her hand on dad's. He was sad and…and now she wanted to cry again. She had made her dad sad. He was her dad, he loved her, and she had made him sad…and she was sad…and she just wanted to go to sleep. Maybe she would feel better in the morning. Maybe. She didn't know. She didn't know if she would feel better about what she had seen, or learned, or if she would stop crying, or even if her stomach would stop hurting. She just…she wanted to go to bed.
"Yes. I would enjoy that immensely." Said dad. He laid down. She laid down beside him. He may not have been mom, or even good at mom stuff, but he was there for her. He was her dad, he loved her, and he was there for her as best as he could be. Sure he could be weird…and also he could say horrible things without even realizing that they were horrible, but he at least tried. He may not have held her like mom would have and told her that everything would be ok but…but at least he was there.
Sleeping there beside her.
Dad fell back asleep first. It took her longer to fall asleep. She had a lot in her head…death and dying and unsinkable ships sinking and killing babies and people who were in love who should have gotten married and had babies. Stuff like that. Also it was hard to fall asleep like this. She was using one of dad's arms as a pillow, the other was wrapped around her, and after he had fallen asleep he had catch one of her legs in his. He could be very clingy when he slept. He hadn't always been like that, when he had first starting letting her sleep in his bed he had slept on his back with his hands folded, but then he had started to love her and now he slept like this…which made it very hard for her to fall asleep.
And to stay asleep, too.
She had no clue how long she had been asleep for, or when she had fallen asleep, but she knew that the sun was starting to come up when she felt dad trying to turn over and accidentally tug on her hair. If she had been having a bad dream she would have welcomed the wakeup even if it had hurt. But she hadn't been having a bad dream or a good dream or any kind of dream. She had just been asleep like a light. Off then on again. Dad had rolled over and taken some of her hair with him, she wished that she could cut it, but she couldn't because she was a girl and she was supposed to have long hair. All she could do was slowly free her hair from dad's arm. It took a little bit but she managed to do that without waking him up….but she had woken up in the process.
She was wide awake.
She was wide awake and she had to pee. The sky was starting to turn blue, it was pretty early, so maybe she could go back to sleep. Maybe. Dad had turned over and how big back was to her. If she got back into bed quietly she could maybe get some more sleep without him turning around and trying to hold her again. She loved him, and she was happy that he had tried to be there for her in her own way, but she also needed sleep. She needed to sleep so she could get up and make breakfast and do the laundry and then her homeschool stuff and then hang out with Minegishi and all of the other things that she had to do with her day. None of which would involve boats or icebergs or watching that super long and super sad movie ever again.
Ever.
She got out of bed slowly. Maybe too slowly, maybe she had moved wrong in moving too slowly, because as she got out of bed she felt a sharp pain in her stomach worse than ever before. She hissed and put her hand in her mouth to keep from making noise. It would have done her no good to wake dad up. He was asleep, deep asleep, so deep asleep that only his caterpillars came together when her aura hit his. Good. She didn't want to have to explain to him that her stomach hurt. He would have probably just told her how many people died a second from stomach aches…
And she still wasn't sure how that was supposed to help her.
She knew that people died. She knew that the world was a big place and it had million and billions and maybe even trillions, some day, of people in it. She knew that those people must have died and…and she guessed that she had always known that babies could die. Death wasn't just for people who were very old and very sick. Young people, kids, babies, along with moms and dad…and people who were in love and should have become moms and dad….they all could die and…and knowing that didn't make her feel any better. In fact knowing that just made her feel like she was going to cry again….
And she tried her best not to.
Dad didn't like crying. He didn't know what to do about it and there was nothing that dad hated more than not knowing something. Also she didn't want to wake him up. So she kept her tears inside as she walked down the hallway and to the bathroom. She really had to pee…she had drank way too much strawberry milk and vodka…and maybe that was why her stomach hurt. Maye her kidneys were going to explode or something….no. That had just been in the movies. Kidneys didn't explode…
But if they did there would have been blood.
Blood?
Blood.
Blood was red.
That was blood.
That was blood and…and blood should not have been there. No. She had seen her own blood before, she had gotten plenty of cuts and scratches and scrapes before, but never on her…never THERE…and how had she even….how had she even managed to hurt herself…THERE? That was…it was blood. It was dark red, like blood that had been sitting around for a while, but it was there and…and there was….MORE of it? She looked down and…and she had blood…that was blood. Her underwear was blue, not red, and the blood…that was her blood and…and how had she gotten….Google. She needed to Google but…but her phone was charging and….and how had this EVEN HAPPENED?! She….she tried to get rid of it but the cut….it must have been a cut because if her kidneys had exploded then she would have probably been laying on the floor rolling around in agony like that time when she had tried to make homemade cheese…but maybe…she didn't know! All she knew was that there was blood and…and she had never cut herself there before but what could have….
Paper cut?
Yes. That must have been it. She must have just gotten a…a really bad paper cut….from the toilet paper….because this wasn't the fancy soft kind. This was the not soft kind that they had in the HQ bathrooms and…and she had never cut herself before but…but they did say that there was a first time for everything. Yes. They did say that. She had just….but herself…with toilet paper…because she was tired and careless and this was not the fancy kind with aloe and…and now she was going to have to get the fancy kind with aloe and….and that was ok, too, because now…she knew what the problem was and….
And it was just a cut. She would be fine.
This was probably like the time Sho had fallen out of the tree and hit his head on the way down. He'd had this big cut on his forehead and she had thought that he was dying but mom had cleaned him up and said that head cuts always looked worse than they were. Then Fukuda said the same thing and then they all made dinner and then played Wii and…and she would not be telling Fukuda about this. He was away but…but he could not know about this. Nobody could know but especially not him. This was a cut on her…well she would not be talking to anyone about that part of her body but especially not him….he already thought about her naked and doing…..stuff…with people anyway. No. He could not know….
And neither could dad.
There had been enough blood, the cut had been bad enough, that some blood had splattered onto her underwear…and she knew from doing Sho's laundry that nothing got blood out…so these were ruined and…and also…well the bleeding would stop eventually but…well she didn't know when. She didn't know when and she didn't want to ruin all of her underwear so she took a bunch of toilet paper and balled it up…sort of like a bandage only not around the cut….because she had no idea how to dress that cut…and she wouldn't ask Minegishi because…well she didn't want anyone, even her best friend, to know about this. It was just…
Private.
Of course it was private, that was why they were called privates, because they were private. Besides, it was just a cut and….and it would stop bleeding on it's own. Even that really bad cut she had done on her leg when she had first tried shaving had stopped bleeding on it's own eventually. She was going to be fine. This was not a big deal. In fact this was such a little deal that she was just….going to go back to bed….and also….also maybe borrow a pair of shorts from Sho's drawer because this toilet paper did not feel at all secure….and it would have been embarrassing if anyone…but especially her DAD were to know about…about any of this….
So that was what she did.
She borrowed a pair of Sho's black gym shorts, black seemed like it would be good for hiding blood, and then she went back to bed. She had to go back to bed next to dad…and she had never noticed just how white his sheets had been before….but it wasn't like she could just go back to her own bed. What if he woke up, went looking for her, and then asked what had happened? She couldn't lie to her own dad….and she couldn't tell him either…so she would just keep it to herself. Yeah, it was just a cut and it would stop bleeding soon….
Hopefully very soon…..very, very, very soon…because she did not like this at all. Not one bit.