There were few things in this life more jarring than waking up to an empty bed.
Well few things that happened to him regularly. There was that time when he had been young and the fort he and Fukuda had built, where the Seventh Division now stood, become infested with rodents and one had ran across his shoe….it was amazing that he hadn't killed Fukuda that day….and also there was the time when he had been holding Son back when he had been a baby, before he even knew of Daughter's existence, and Son decided that while he was being held facing his father was the best time to vomit….that had been jarring and unpleasant….and of course there was waking up the first morning to finding Masami gone from the house…
No, that hadn't been jarring.
Because he had expected her to have been somewhere in the house. He had expected her to be playing with the children or watching television or in the kitchen but…but she had been gone. She had been gone and he had….well he had assumed that she had gone out into the world for some reason and that she would return in time but…but then it got dark…and then light…and then dark again and…and on the first night…waking up to the other side of the bed being empty…
It had been jarring.
But he should have been fine now. He'd had no reason to get up and find the other side of the bed cold…well he'd had because obviously Daughter had woken up before him….but he'd had no reason to become startled and almost lose control. Now his clothes were everywhere and his mirror was nothing but cracks….and he could fix that later. He'd just have Daughter get him a new mirror and pick up his clothes for him…when she came back…or when she was done making breakfast. Yes. He checked the time. This was about when she usually started making breakfast. So it was fine for her to be out of bed. She was fine. She was Daughter.
She would never leave him.
He rolled over to her side of the bed. Cold. She had been gone for some time. She knew that he hated getting up and finding her gone….but she also knew that he hated the breakfasts at the HQ and loved her cooking…so that was what she was doing. She was making him breakfast and…and it would have made no logical sense at all for him to go to the kitchen, pick her up, bring her back to bed, and just hold her for another hour or so. Until he got tired of holding her. Well not that he could ever get tired of holding her but he did have work to do….a lot of work…but then again it was always a lot of work. He could have spent the whole day in bed with her if he wanted to, he was the President after all, but if he did then he would have twice as much to do tomorrow…and so much of what he did was time sensitive….and he didn't want to ruin anything….
But he so wanted to stay in bed with her.
He hadn't realized what a gift it was to be able to hold someone you loved. To be able to hold them in your arms and feel them breathing. To be able to feel how soft they were. To be able to feel how warm they were. He had never realized, before, that it had been a gift to have been able to hold her, to have been able to hold Masami, and now…now it was too late. He had just…he wished that he had held her more. She had asked him so many times to stay in bed with her, just to stay that way for the rest of the day, especially when she had been carrying Son. He remembered….she had been so big and…and she had been laying on him and she had asked him to stay with her…but he couldn't. He'd had to…well he couldn't remember where he'd had to be but…well he had acquired…he had acquired someone. He had acquired someone and sent them somewhere and then he had come back to her and he had held her then….and he had left her again later on…but only because he'd had to provide for her. Provide for her and their Son, the human being who they had made together and…and that was what he'd had to do and….
And even now….well he didn't have any choice in it.
There was no way for him to stay with Daughter….they couldn't just spend the day lying in bed sleeping and talking…and he did so love talking to her…and he also hoped that she was doing better. He knew what it was to have an existential crisis. He knew what it felt like to realize that you would die, that everyone would die, and that there was no way to avoid death. No matter how powerful you were death was something that stalked you like it stalked everyone else. The only thing that you could do was make the most of your life….and he was making the most of his life. He was forty four years old and he hoped that by fifty he would rule the world. Fifty seemed like a good projection…though he hoped that he would reach his goal sooner….because fifty just seemed….old. He knew that fifty was middle aged, not old, and he knew that he was already middle aged so it didn't matter but….
He would have outlived both of his parents by then.
Well he had already outlived his mother….well both of his parents were long dead….but…his mother had been forty two when she had died and father had been forty five and…and next year he would be as old as his father was when he died and….and he had so many irrational feelings towards all of this. Towards life and death. His parents had been long dead by this point. Mother and father….they were gone and….and of course they would have died one day….and he would die one day…and now he just….if he hadn't loved Daughter as much as he did he would have blamed her for this irrational way that he felt. The way he just…he hadn't thought about his parents in years and…and they had been gone for a while….and she was the one who had brought them up, before, and she was the one who'd had the existential crisis last night and….
And he loved her.
He loved her and he would not blame her for this. He would not and could not allow himself to feel anything other than love for her. That was what it was to love someone, to share your life with someone, you did not get upset at them even once. He had never once gotten upset with Masami. Not once. Not even when she had been so confusing, so completely incomprehensible, that he had been ready to bang his head against the wall in frustration had he ever gotten upset with her. So he would not get upset with Daughter. Besides, it wasn't like she had done anything wrong. She wasn't Son. She never did anything wrong.
He loved her for that.
He loved her and…and he would help her through whatever this was. He could feel her aura. It was flaring. She must have still been upset….and he could not be. He could not be upset not only because he couldn't risk losing control but also because he was older than her. He was thirty three years older than her and he could not just….just sit there and let himself have all of these irrational feelings surrounding his long dead parents and the mortality he had long ago made his peace with. He was older and he had to be the one who was there for her. He was the one who was there for her, and she was there for him, but in different ways. She fed him and kept his home and raised his child….and he provided for her and kept her safe. He kept her safe from real dangers and also the dangers which she had imagined…well mortality was not imagined…but it was not something that she had to worry about. She was only eleven. He would go long before she did.
He didn't want to think about that.
He didn't want to think about anything else. He just wanted…he had to get out of bed. He had to get out of bed and get dressed and brush his teeth…and is hair since he was overdue for a haircut….and also he had to shave…reached upwards…yes. Time for a shave….and maybe a shower, too, but not a bath because he didn't have that kind of time…and he may not have even had time to bother with a shower…because he had no idea if breakfast was ready so…so he had to get out of bed…
He got up.
All of his clothes were on the ground. Wonderful. It at least didn't take him long enough to find a clean shirt…and his pants were still good for another day….new undershirt time, though, and those were…well he had made quite the mess now hadn't he? Daughter would clean it up. She was good at those things. She would refold his clothes…that was the one thing he could not do….because he could not for the life of him figure out how she folded his clothes. Masami…..well she'd had her own way of folding things but Daughter….well she was very good at folding things. He would leave all of that to her. He got dressed and made a mental note to berate himself later for losing control like that. He thanked God that she had not been there, that she had not seen that, that she had not seen that part of him. She had never seen that side of him, and she never would, and she never could. If she saw that side of him then her image of him would be shattered…and also she would think that it was alright to lose control…and then she would think that it was alright for her husband to lose control…and he had no idea what he would do if her most perfect person turned out to be someone who lost control…
But he did not want to think about that.
Instead, as he buttoned up his shirt, he thought about the meal that they would share. She wasn't like Masami. Masami had always been on him to eat something other than eggs and ketchup. She had actually been bothered by the amount of ketchup that he used. Not everything needed ketchup, she had said, and he knew that ketchup was not a NEED but it did make everything better….though he was fully aware that it was odd when he drank it…but he was loathe to waste food…and Daughter understood him. She understood that he needed ketchup for everything and she could excuse him if he forgot himself…and she knew that he liked to have the same thing every day a thousand times a day…if possible. He didn't know why Masami had always been on him to eat a more varied diet. He ate salad and salad had vegetables and also he had fruit on occasion…so he wasn't endangering his health….
Masami had been very difficult to understand…but Daughter was easy.
Well mostly. He opened his door and expected to smell cooking…but he did not smell cooking. He didn't smell eggs or toast or bacon, she made bacon sometimes, he instead smelled…well the normal hallway smell. Sort of like…paint? Maybe? He didn't know. The way this house smelled. It didn't smell like cooking, that was what mattered, and also…and also it didn't sound like cooking either. He didn't hear anything frying…or the ding of the microwave…or the toaster popping up….or anything coming from the kitchen. He could hear, however, water running in the bathroom…the sink…and Daughter….her aura was flaring…and it was so strange of her to not have even started breakfast….and also she seemed…..to not be doing so well.
He could tell by her aura.
She needed him. Well he could be there for her. He had no idea what it was that she wanted to hear, his words had not been of much comfort to her last night, but he would try again. He would tell her what she wanted to hear. Maybe that was it. Maybe she just…needed to hear that she would be alright and that she had nothing to worry about. Well she did, death came for all of them, but also…he supposed that it wasn't a worry in the sense that worrying could do anything. Death came for everyone…and Daughter…she was younger than he had been when he understood that basic truth about the world….
He could be there for her.
He walked down the hallway towards the bathroom. The sun was coming in through the window at the end of the hall, above the staircase, and he marveled for a moment how the hallway could have been so clean. Usually the floor was littered with all sort of nonsense despite Daughter's best efforts at cleaning…well Son was gone…so it made sense that the hallway was clean. Daughter never made messes. He loved her for that. He loved her in general. He loved her so much and…and he would be there for her….as best as he could….as best as he could try….even though he didn't even know what to try…
Knocking on the door seemed like a good place to start.
"Daughter?" asked Suzuki as he knocked on the door. He felt…he staggered back. He must have surprised her. She had…grown stronger over the years. He was proud of her for that and…and he was happy about that and….and he did not find it jarring at all that she could send him staggering on accident. He had let his guard down…and she had lost control even though she knew fully well that power was nothing without control but he loved her anyway. There was nothing that she could do that would ever make him stop loving her.
Even forgetting to make his breakfast.
"…hi, dad…." Said Daughter. He could barely hear her over the running water of the sink. He wondered if she was alright…the water had been running for a while…and it seemed sort of early for her to have started cleaning the bathroom….and also he wondered if she should have been cleaning anything in that state. Her aura was flaring and he could feel the hair on his arms standing up….the air around them was charged with her energy…..and he had no idea what he could possibly do to fix it.
"Good morning, Daughter." Said Suzuki. That was the appropriate thing to say when greeting someone in the morning, even his own Daughter, and now that he had greeted her he could tell her that she would be ok…or maybe he should ask her what was wrong first…or maybe she would be like Masami and tell him that he should have known what was wrong…but maybe he was wrong about what was wrong and he would just end up making it worse…this was confusing. Women were confusing. Hatori had the right idea about all of this.
"Good morning dad…um….do you know when….I mean…." Said Daughter. She was speaking too quietly for him to understand…and it was her and not him. He would have been able to hear her just fine if she had turned the water off. He could hear just fine. He could hear just fine and he could see just fine and his back did not hurt if he moved wrong and his joints did not hurt if he went too long without moving. He was middle aged, not old, and he was not getting old yet. He was only forty four. He could get old when he was fifty four…or whenever. Not now. He could get old and die later and…and he needed to stop thinking about death….because he knew that it was coming and he'd had a lifetime to prepare for it.
Daughter was the one who was worried about death, not him.
"Speak up. I can hear you." Said Suzuki. He wanted to tell her that she needed to turn the water off, too, but he had no idea if she was in the middle of something or not. She spent a lot of time cleaning…and also grooming too…and he hoped that she didn't plan on trying up the bathroom all morning doing her makeup or something…and she did do that sometimes…and he had no idea why. Women were so confusing sometimes but women found men to be equally confusing so there.
"Um…dad? Can I ask you something? And you promise not to…to freak out?" asked Daughter. Well she could ask him anything…and also he did not freak out. He could not. Bad things happened when he did and…and he could not let Daughter see those things…see him losing control like that. He could not shatter her image of him and he could not break her trust.
"Of course…and I'm always calm." Said Suzuki. Well not always but…well to her he was always calm and he would have to stay that way. He was not going to shatter her image of him. That would have done neither of them any good at all.
"Dad….can a person bleed without….without getting a cut?" asked Daughter. Well that was an odd question. You had to have a cut, well an abrasion, to bleed….unless you had some sort of medical condition….and he had no idea why she needed this information but he was her father and he would do his best to answer her questions.
"As far as I know you need an abrasion to bleed but you would be better off asking the internet. I don't know much about those sorts of things. Why do you ask?" asked Suzuki. Was she hurt? No, no, she was fine. If she had been hurt then she would have said something and….and now he was…well he would make Fukuda come back. He was aware, now, of just how much danger she was in. She could have hurt herself and….well if she were hurt she would have said something but…but she was so small and fragile…she really was…..
"I just…nothing. No reason. Did you need the bathroom?" asked Daughter quickly. Her aura slammed into his as she spoke…and he had no clue why she was being like this but….but whatever she needed he would give her. They were a team and he loved her and….and when you loved something then everything you were you had to give.
"Yes, but I can wait until you're done with whatever you're doing…also are you planning on making breakfast this morning?" asked Suzuki
"Dad…can you please put ketchup on your own piece of toast this morning?" asked Daughter. There was something to her voice and she….he had no idea. Maybe she was still bothered by her existential crisis….or maybe she was just still tired. He didn't know. He was bad with tones…but he did know words and…and it sounded like she had just asked him to make his own breakfast and…and he could but….
But she always made breakfast.
"I can….but I want an omelet too like I have every single morning." Said Suzuki. They were a team. He took care of her and she took care of him and….and if she stopped making breakfast then…then what else was she planning on…on not doing anymore? Was she planning on…on doing less and less until she didn't even leave her bed and then…and then one day she would be gone? She would be gone from him and he would be alone? He just…..
He had no idea if he could go through that again.
"But….fine. Ok. I'll make you breakfast just…ok. I'll do that now just…wait for…for me to…just here. You take the bathroom now." Said Daughter. Suzuki didn't have to be told twice. He could get on with his day while she got on with hers. Yes. There would be breakfast. He had been worried there for a second but of course Daughter would not have let him go hungry. She was not that sort of person. She loved him and she took care of him. She took care of him and he took care of her. They were a team like that.
They made a good team.
Daughter was always there for him and he would always be there for his Daughter. Even when she was in the middle of an existential crisis…and he was glad that she hadn't brought up death. No. She just opened the bathroom door and existed with her back pressed up against the wall. She watched him as he entered the bathroom and he could feel her lurking outside the door after he closed it. He had been about to ask her if she needed the bathroom again, women took a very long time to get ready in the morning even though he wasn't entirely sure what it was that they did in there for so long, but then as soon as he had been about to say something he felt her aura moving away and heard her running down the hall-
To his bedroom.
Well that was good. He hadn't even had to ask her to clean up and…well judging by the way her aura flared he maybe should have warned her about how bad it was…though he didn't think that the mess in his room warranted quite so much panic. She shook the house…and continued to shake it…and he maybe should have said something…but then he heard her running again. He had no idea what she was doing but he trusted her judgement. He turned the hot water on and got out his toothbrush and…and then the water pressure suddenly dipped and…
Oh. The washing machine.
Wasn't it a bit early for laundry? He thought so…but then again he had no idea what time or order these household chores had to be done in. He trusted her judgement. He didn't need a lot of water pressure to brush his teeth or shave….though the shower was off the table now. There was only so much hot water and….well he would take a bath tonight. He had just wanted to shower for the enjoyment of showering, that was all, and he could take a bath later tonight for the enjoyment of taking a bath. Yes. There was an enjoyment to it, wasn't there?
Women had the right idea about all of this.
Masami had loved her baths and the things she added to them. Bubbles and salts and balls of he didn't even know what that fizzed and smelled good….women were so lucky like that. It had always seemed enjoyable…and now he wished that he had taken Masami up on that offer to share a bath with her…but he had declined because he'd had work to do…but maybe he could borrow some of those bath things from Daughter. He was a man but he was also the President of Claw and he could do whatever he wanted…and he maybe wanted to see if it was really as nice as it seemed. Women did spend a lot of time bathing and grooming.
And putting on makeup.
Which he would not be trying. Daughter…she had taken up the entire bathroom counter with her cosmetics which she did not need, she was beautiful as she was, and also….also they looked more like son's art supplies than products which were meant to be applied to the skin…but he had always felt that way. There was a process to it, a complicated process, which he had seen Masami go through many times. She would sit down at her vanity table and paint her face even though she didn't need it, she had been the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life up to that point, and Daughter….well she was getting older…and he made a mental note to get her one of those vanity tables.
Because he really wanted the bathroom counter back.
There was hardly enough room for his shaving cream and aftershave. He was loathe to move any of her things, he had moved Masami's makeup things once and she had been very upset, but…well other people lived her too and they, mostly him since Son still had a few years before he had to shave, and he needed the counter space back. He needed it and…and this was not his razor. He looked down. Blue. His razors were blue but…not this blue. This was….Son was still ten, right? Right. Also this was a woman's razor and….oh. Daughter was that old already? He…had no idea what to do with that information…but he put her razor back down on the counter and…and there was his. He went back to shaving and tried not to think about the information that he had come into.
Daughter was old enough to shave.
Apparently girls started earlier than boys. He hadn't had to shave, well not every day, until his second year of high school but…well he was a man. He'd had body hair before he had even come close to having facial hair…and women only had body hair. He didn't quite know why they hated it so much, body hair was a normal marker of sexual maturity….and Daughter….well the less he thought about that the better. He wanted her to grow up. He wanted her to get older and…and then they could spend their lives together and….and it was nature's way. He had been about her age when he had started…well he had been twelve but…well maybe closer to thirteen but….well he was a man and boys matured more slowly than girls and…..
And he didn't want to think about this anymore.
So he didn't. Instead he focused on all that he had to do today. Meeting, meeting, teleconference, meeting, another meeting, disposing of a traitor, making some time to have lunch with Hatori, and the million and one small things that he had to do. Yes. He would rather go over his very busy day and not…the fact that Daughter apparently ha body hair which she was dealing with….like an adult….and how she was getting older and….and he had to deal with this. He had to deal with this and not…not think about this. That she was getting older and…was it alright to share a bed with her? Yes. She was still his child and as his child she would always be his child and…well she would grow up and…
A knock at the door.
"Yes?" asked Suzuki as he accidentally cut him under his chin. He didn't curse, not out loud, he just reached for some paper to dab at the blood and….and there was none left. Daughter was usually good about replacing the roll…no matter. He used pulled a towel over with his powers and dabbed the blood away and…and he would have to ask Fukuda to come back soon. He had the powers of a God. He could not bleed.
"Um….did you notice anything weird about the bed when you got up this morning?" asked Daughter
"No, why? Should I have?" asked Suzuki. The bed had been too big, too cold, and the emptiness on her side had been jarring. Was that what she had been referring to? Did she ever feel like that when she got up? Did she ever feel so alone…so profoundly alone…when she woke up? Did she ever….no. Well maybe. Her brother was gone and since the age of two he had been her one companion and…and maybe she felt the same way he did. Maybe she woke up expecting to see her brother and then when he was gone she felt….well she felt the same way he felt…or something. He didn't know. He didn't know how she felt…
Or how he felt.
He should have been a whole person on his own. A full and complete person. He didn't need anyone else. He had come to that realization when he had been young. When he had found himself unexpectadley alone in the world. One day he had just….been alone. It had been jarring, that first morning, when it had gone from light to dark and then light again. When he had woken up on a futon on Fukuda's floor and…and the room had been different. It had been jarring. He had woken up hundreds of times on Fukuda's floor but….but it had been jarring. The sound of his parents…the smell of his house…the fact that he would not be going home. The fact that it wasn't a sleepover, that it was his life now, that he would never wake up in his room again. That he would never go home again. That he would never set eyes on his mother and father, never speak to them, ever again.
That he was truly alone in the world….it had been jarring…but she would never find herself alone in the world…..
"No! I mean…no. Just….I put your bedding in the washer and…and now I'm going to make breakfast. I love you!" said Daughter before she ran away. Well someone certainly had some energy that morning…but it may have been born of nerves…or fear. He would talk to her again if she asked him to. He would be there for her as best as he could if she asked him to. He didn't know, though, what it was that she wanted him to do but….well he would do whatever she asked of him. That was how their relationship worked, they were a team, she took care of him and he took care of her.
Even if he did have to wake up to an empty bed sometimes.