Remembersees
Part Two
KnowledgE was lying to her. Raven could tell the sophisticated character knew exactly where HOPE was and was hiding it from her. Raven wanted to find the small girl, to try to find some peace in the muddle of her eternal unrest. KnowledgE followed Raven's movements, knowing with her infinite resource of wisdom, that Raven would never be able to find HOPE on her own… not in a million years.¹
Raven looked back and forth between the two roads. KnowledgE had taken her place in between them; her spot at the fork in the road had been born when Raven allowed HOPE to be borne. KnowledgE was the only part of her fragile mind that could lead her down the road where she'd find the fragile character, but at the moment she couldn't tell Raven. KnowledgE needed Raven to listen to her.
For days the Dark Bird had fretted pitifully in and outside of her mind. There was a hunger in her, seeping through her psyche like a mad torrent. For all her control in the situation, Raven couldn't think of a more fitting metaphor. She was drowning and, for just a moment, she desired reprieve.
When she was a small child Azar had stared down into her and seen that fractured thing that was her mind. Azar allowed her to grow and prosper because he believed that the delicate state of her mind would prevent Raven from ever becoming a threat to the real world… that was before her mind's fragments had manifested themselves into new identities, taking on will and passion and hate. The more they built themselves from the dismal glimpses of her future, the more dangerous she became.
But if she could make them into one continuous being… she could stop everything…
She wanted to start with HOPE.
At the moment KnowledgE was the part of herself that she was closest too, the part she held in the highest of esteem. Not shortly behind was BravE, the only part of her that she ever referred to by name rather than title². BravE and KnowledgE were tied closely to each other but the bond had been separating, mostly as a result of the last few days: when her playhouse had been torn down.
In her darkest hours, DesirE was quieted, HappinesS was in recess and a tie was forming between TimiD and DespaiR. Most of her emotions were silenced, but those in her arsenal were acting contrary to how she wanted to. Slade and Trigon were infused in her: their desires were imposing on her mind and turning things against her. BravE was wounded, DespaiR was ever present, TimiD was a master in her mind…
And KnowledgE was lying to her. To the best of her ability, KnowledgE looked both distraught and angry. Raven had seen temper before in KnowledgE and she had seen confusion, but this was different. It might have been hesitance, something that Raven never thought she'd associate with the strongest part of her mind: but even at that moment, she was unclear to why.
"I'll listen to everything you have to say after you show me to HOPE." Raven finally said.
KnowledgE shook her head in the negative. "You need to hear what I have to say before you can see anything… you haven't been able to see many things for a long time… that may mostly be my fault."
Raven took a seat at KnowledgE's feet. She could tell from her tone that she was hiding HOPE because she wanted Raven to listen to her.
"Is this about the attack from Blood?" Raven asked.
KnowledgE nodded. "I'm still gathering data about what it has done to us… to you… but from what I know so far…"
"What is it?"
"The distress you've felt… it's due to Slade's influence. He's inside of you, inside your home, inside all the things that you want to protect. His plans are evolving to things that I do not yet understand… but they will be terrible because of what he'll use to do them."
Raven stood up immediately. She was going to yell at her to stop, that she couldn't say what she was going to say next. KnowledgE removed her glasses and stared her down, silencing the protest within her. "Stop looking for HOPE and look forward into the despair right in front on you"
"What do you mean?"
"In honesty… I do not know yet. I suggest you adopt some reserve from here forward. The ties and binds that hold you to those around you could be your undoing."
"Do you know what he plans to do?"
"No… there wasn't enough for me to know what… but we already know the prophecy--"
"I can fight the prophecy! I know I can! Before, I had nothing to fight for… now I do."
KnowledgE raised her hand to silence the girl. Raven stepped back slightly. She knew what KnowledgE would say next and she would take it to be the truth if not for the pain in her heart. "She has left a tiny wound in you… one that you refuse to see… as she grows stronger… you grow blinder."
Raven turned her head to the side. "I don't see because I do not wish to see."
KnowledgE turned her head, following the tear that ran down Raven's cheek. If she had been kinder, if she was capable of being kinder, KnowledgE would have been gentler with her words. The truth almost always hurt and when it didn't, it was someone else's truth and not for Raven to keep.
"Your change, your freedom of heart and trust has left this weakness in your power… I can only advise you to be careful."
Raven gasped. "I won't give him up." Raven said, pulling her hood over her head.
"I'm not telling you to." KnowledgE replied.
"Then what would you have me do?"
"Be very careful." KnowledgE replied. Her slim arm extended down the western fork. Raven's eyes shifted back and forth between the two paths. KnowledgE didn't have the capacity to trick her, but she wanted to think that HOPE lied down the eastern fork. Behind her BravE approached. The green garbed character walked cautiously to take her place to Raven's left. The character didn't turn her eyes to Raven before extending her left hand forward. Raven looked down the western trail and followed it. She had no reason not to trust BravE and KnowledgE… she had relied on them more heavily than any other side of herself… She wished the day would come when those energies vanished within her to become a side of her mind that was indelible. It was her greatest worry that one day BravE and KnowledgE would be thieved away from her… because that would be the day she disappeared from the world.
Raven walked steadily away unable to face the determined faces of BravE and KnowledgE. The green-garbed identity turned to her yellow clad companion. "Did you tell her everything?"
KnowledgE nodded. "There was not enough information to be held back. What will become of her, what others desire for her to be has shaped her life since she laid in her mother's care. It is something that will continue long after we fade into nothing."
"That day will come. I am sure of it. She will be free of this… if we are strong enough for her." BravE declared.
KnowledgE watched the last bit of Raven fade into the white of her mind. "I know."
The grey didn't seem to disperse as gently as Raven remembered. What should have been pure white was splattered with grey marks, small like a child's tear drops. Like her tear drops: fragile as the beat of her heart… how could she allow herself to listen to KnowledgE and come to fear the future again? Could she dare not listen?
Finding HOPE took a very long time. The rock hollows were generally empty and down each wrong fork her desperate manifestations³ told her to "turn back". Tall columns had toppled, under each fallen tower laid a shadowed hovel for a small body to hide. Raven looked under every one. She found HOPE fretting silently under a fallen column; the small gap was just wide enough for the little girl to wedge into. Her cape seemed to lack the shimmer that Raven had grown accustomed to. Her hands felt weaker when she touched them.
"HOPE… please come out."
The small girl pulled her knees to her chest. When the slight girl turned her head, Raven realized her hood was up. It was the first time she had ever seen her that way. Raven's braid fell over her shoulder, the delicate strands that hung around her face were like a halo: it was the way HOPE had begun to wear hers, but from the spill and bump beneath that dulled gold cloak, she could tell that HOPE's hair was free.
Raven tugged on the cloak, startling the smaller girl. HOPE didn't move to help or resist. Raven's fingers slipped across HOPE's forehead and down around her cheek, pushing a tiny trail of hair behind her ear. It surprised Raven when the tiny girl turned her head away from her and began speaking in the language of her home world.
"Lethe Gost Paran Sic Verbis Nex." (I fear that you will wait forever for me.)
"HOPE… please don't..."
HOPE finally turned to face Raven, her small face tracked in tears. "One day KnowledgE will finally understand… but for now you must run."
"What?"
"RUN!" HOPE yelled.
The demand echoed past Raven, splitting her ears painfully. It was the sudden pain that turned her body and allowed the thrusting fist to miss her head and crash into the wall. Raven's eyes widened as the column splintered under the blow. She turned her head, following the red-cloaked arm until she encountered the four demon eyes of RAGE.
Raven rolled over her shoulder, putting distance between herself and RAGE, hoping to draw the four eyed character away from the fragile HOPE. RAGE's red eyes turned to her, following every inhale and exhale. Raven pushed her braid behind her shoulder, it wouldn't stop RAGE from going for it, but it would take her longer. Raven steadied her hands. RAGE would come at her with her fists and teeth and words before she used the throw of her share of demonic power.
RAGE's arm lashed out, her hand in a straight line delivering a chop that skimmed across the air only millimeters away from Raven's chest. Raven leapt to the side, sending her foot into RAGE's side. Raven and her manifestation of destiny volleyed and parried, grabbing each others arms and pushing with all their might. RAGE's eyes were unblinking: her nails sunk deep into Raven's sleeves. Raven's feet skid across the ground, the friction throwing up dust around her ankles.
"Go back to your hiding place! I won't let you beat me again!" Raven sneered.
"I will not hide! I will control all of you! I will break KnowledgE and BravE, TimiD… I will bend HappinesS to dementia and I will crush HOPE!" RAGE's face tightened sharply. Her battle cry crashed inside Raven's ears. RAGE pushed her advantage, forcing Raven off balance. Raven fell backwards, the fabric of her sleeves pulled off revealing the red marks of Scath.
The gashes in her arms were no match for the color of the markers. Raven grabbed the wounds on her shoulders. The red marks shinned through the gaps between her fingers. Raven turned to look up at RAGE. RAGE was covered in them as well. RAGE raised an arm for her own inspection. The glow seemed to satisfy her. RAGE thrust her arm towards Raven. "Let waste and destruction be born from me. Let HOPE be undone… Let shadow encompass the world."
The torrent of energy began at RAGE's chest, swirling along her form. Dark spirals lapped around her like snakes or ribbons of great might. The spirals took form, balling at her palm. A short battle roar sent the energy to Raven. Raven's eyes widened. She didn't move a muscle.
Anger erupted within RAGE as she watched Raven's eyes become feral. The energy blast was soaked deep into Raven's body but did no damage. It made her stronger. Raven stood, her white cape flapping behind her in a wind that could not be accounted for. Her braid shook loose; her purple locks tumbled like the material of her cloak.
"You haven't the power to destroy me RAGE… nor can you destroy HOPE. As long as you are a true element of my being… I can not crush you… but I will conquer you."
RAGE attacked with a pivoting kick aimed for Raven's side. RAGE's eyes widened when the attack failed. Raven caught the character's ankle between her left hand and the crook of her right elbow, pinning the limb under her arm. It was a sharp turn that gave Raven the momentum to throw RAGE away, the character slamming into a collective of fallen and crumbled column bodies.
RAGE emerged, towering in height to the magnitude rivaling her father's form. RAGE roared, black power surging from her mouth, eyes and finger tips. Column bodies fell from her massive shoulders, stone and vines tangled along her ankles. Raven raised a barrier to stop RAGE's energy blasts. Her arms crossed in her feminine -X-, Raven let her soul bodies escape, two massive warriors erupted from her spirit, taking flight to the right and left of RAGE. The three floated in the air in a dynamic triangle. In perfect syncopation, the three folded their bodies, giving them the form of crossed mediation.⁴ Their fingers twisted and flexed in harmony and though only the true Raven spoke, the two soul bodies' mouths echoed the spell.
"Aldruon Enlenthra Nalthos Sola Narisnor!" ⁵
A great power swarmed from the triangle apexes, a waving translucent energy flowed in green, yellow and blue⁶ expanded above and below their bodies until the height encircled all of RAGE's massive form. The energy stormed and solidified, trapping RAGE within it. Beneath them, columns rose and stacked, erecting a prison. One last roar escaped from RAGE as the final stones laid her in the cursed shrine.
Raven uncoiled her form and allowed her soul bodies to return to her. Each one sent an echo of power through the area that circled Raven. The waves died and Raven floated back to the ground. She stared at the massive tomb of RAGE. That wind returned, throwing her hair into her eyes, pulling her cloak to the west. Raven extended a hand to the temple and felt a tremor that was RAGE's presence.
"Stay there for me… trapped in memory."
Raven pulled her hood over her head. It was at that moment she realized that HOPE had fled. She thought to look for her, but instead escaped Nevermore. She had hidden in her room for days, trying to hide from the consequences of her fragile state. She went to find the parts of her that made HOPE powerful within her: her friends…
Her Robin.
The world inside the tower, like the world inside her mind, was in unrest. There wasn't a presence in the universe that could unbalance the Titans like Slade could. The tower was silent; Raven's light steps were thunderous across the halls. Celine and Cyborg were working in silence together, making upgrades to the Titans' computer. They passed tools and units between each other in total silence, looks were enough to communicate most things, pointing got everything else. For people so naturally animated, it looked like they were afraid to break the silence.
Beast Boy and Aqualad were missing. Period. There wasn't even a hint of the two anywhere that Raven went. Even when she passed both of their rooms, not a single labored breath told her they were moving in any fashion. Blackfire and Star sat in total silence. Starfire's head was in a book, the same one she'd been reading for weeks, months really, and Blackfire sat with her hands in her lap, waiting for Starfire to say something.
Raven ended up in a place she didn't know that she was looking for. It was a place she really had no intention to go. Her room was quiet like all the others. The door was shut and the light was off. It occurred to Raven for the first time that it was night outside.
Raven stopped outside of Terra's door. The conflict within her left her at a loss at what to do. Raven could only be so good of a person. She didn't do affectionate or caring very often: save for the extreme cases where one of her friends was hurt or if Robin's spirit was in a delicate state. Her kindness had only once been extended to the blonde girl: Raven was unsure if she could bring herself to care about what Slade's appearance had done to Terra.
When the moment had come, when Terra and Slade stood face to face, Raven wanted to protect Terra; but she knew in her heart that she really wanted to protect herself. Terra standing before Slade reminded Raven of her weakest moment: a stage in her life where she was more vulnerable than she could recall in recent memory. She had faced hate, dislike, disregard and ill will but she had never faced deception so thorough. Terra represented that tiny fraction of herself that was unconditionally weak.
Her mind warned her sharply against thinking about the blonde anymore, if only to prevent the spark of Blood's mindtap. Raven had managed to separate the terror of Slade from the hurt from Terra… When Raven saw Terra's face, half of the time she felt the pain of memory. The other half of the time she saw that pain as well, but she also saw that Terra was a girl: a frightened, stupid, powerful girl. A girl just like herself with one exception: Raven wasn't stupid, she was guilty.
Guilty for not listening to KnowledgE when the character had told her to turn away. Raven was guilty of disobedience, of betrayal of KnowledgE's trust: she wasn't so unlike Terra except that the only person Raven was capable of hurting was Raven.
The door wouldn't open when Raven pressed the keypad. Raven didn't knock, didn't make any other attempt to go inside. She pressed her forehead against the wall and thought. What did she think she would find in Terra's room? Some pretty magazines, left over food, mountains of trash and some scuffed up journal? It didn't matter. Raven told herself that she couldn't exhaust herself to think about Terra, just like Terra didn't seem to need Raven's acceptance or approval. Terra trained in solitude while Raven and Sakura faded more and more in their routine. That reminded Raven that she needed to talk to the older girl about restarting a more diligent routine. She couldn't forget the tiny life within her mind that needed to become stronger…
That became stronger when Raven recognized the hand against her shoulder. Raven turned around and found Robin's gaze on her face. The worry was obvious before his lips even turned to form her name. Raven stared at the Boy Wonder taking in the sight of him like a drowning person would air. Am I drowning Robin? Are we…
"Are you okay?" Robin asked finally.
"I don't know about okay… but I feel better."
"You never told me what was wrong." Robin said.
"Until now I didn't know." Raven took Robin's hand inside of hers. She raised them to her chest, the side of his gloved hand felt the heat and rhythm of her heartbeat through her skin. "I think I'm afraid, that I'm not as strong as I think I am."
Robin's fingers trembled in Raven's hands, the strong digits pivoting gently against the muscle of Raven's palms. He looked at her, stepping closer until the only thing between their two heartbeats were their hands.
"It's a fear we all have." Robin said.
"But no one else's weakness will be the end of the world." Raven whispered.
"We all feel that way sometimes…"
Raven might have protested if not for Robin's knowing look. Her lips met his for the first time in three days. Touching his skin felt so beautiful, pulling away felt so terrible.
"Could you still stand by me when I do terrible things?" Raven asked weakly.
Robin shook his head in the negative. Raven turned her head away. She felt Robin take his hand away and for a moment she thought she would sink into nothingness at the loss. But Robin's warmth returned, powerful arms wrapping around her smaller body. His head fell gently into the curve of her shoulder.
"It's okay to feel overwhelmed when your situation is so terrible… but I haven't a doubt in my mind that you'll ever do what Trigon and Slade want from you. The Titans will get stronger to protect you, you'll get stronger to defend us… and we'll get our happy ending Raven… I promise."
Raven cried silently against Robin. Robin ran his fingers through her hair and let her feel everything she needed to. Their heartbeats raced and slowed down together. Their bodies sunk to the ground, Robin sat Raven on his lap as the girl laid her head into his neck.
"I… I locked away RAGE in my mind… I don't know how long it will last… but I think I made a mistake. I feel so disoriented. I'm crying, my thoughts are heavy in despair and I'm not sure what's a part of me and what's been pushed around by my imbalance."
"I wish I knew a way to take away all the pain Raven… but we both know that trying to untie all that you are will be slow and difficult. If I stay beside you… could that help?"
With you beside me…One day this will all make perfect sense. Raven thought as she stood up from Robin's hold. She offered her hand to Robin and a warm feeling raced through her when he took it. They stood in front of each other silently before Robin squeezed her fingers.
"Perfect sense is overrated. I'll take all the jumbled mess between you and I… as long as it's between you and me…"
"You're beautiful." Raven whispered.
Robin smiled at her. We seem to have that effect on each other.
…
The return to normalcy, as much as could be restored and considered normal for eleven crime fighters living in a giant T, would come in a battle. The Jump Duplex was attacked drawing the Titans to the theater. There they fought off the advances of Control Freak and his new remote. When the overly techno-advanced couch potato was carted off, they realized they were standing in a line in the front row of the theater. The next movie was beginning and they had absolutely nothing else to do.
"Well guys, we beat Control Freak and there's a free showing tonight. We could all unwind a little. Why not take in the show?" Beast Boy suggested. Each of the Titans looked about them and could find no argument against his suggestion. In perfect unison they turned toward the screen and sat down. A few seconds later they realized that they weren't sitting next to who they wanted to and the boys played a game of musical chairs to get to their girls. Speedy and Robin, in their infinite comfort and cool, placed their arms around their dates as they waited for the movie to start. It occurred to Aqualad that he should try the same maneuver but the image of him accidentally elbowing the pretty Tameranian quieted that notion.
"So what's playing?" Cyborg asked.
"Freaky Freddy Six: Revenge of the Brain Munchers." Beast Boy replied.
"BEAST BOY!"
Beast Boy laughed nervously. "Did I forget to mention its Wednesday night horror show?"
Raven considered leaping over Starfire, Celine and Cyborg to throttle the green morpher but the lights dimmed and the movie started. The movie progressed and became increasingly more frightening until at least half of the Titans, including Beast Boy, were beside themselves in terror. A sudden shot of a monster attack ignited a simultaneous reaction. All at once Raven, Blackfire and Sakura turned their heads away and into the shoulder of the Titan to their right: into Robin, Aqualad and Speedy. Aqualad stiffened at the sudden movement, feeling Blackfire clutch his sleeve. Her eyes were squinted tight. Aqualad swallowed hard and for a moment was able to forget his awkwardness. Blackfire needed him, even if for just a silly reason like a B-horror movie. It was still need; it was something he could answer to.
Aqualad gently and cautiously moved his arm around her slim body, his fingers making contact with her shoulder. Blackfire's eyes opened, first the left then the right. The blush on her face fit her shy gaze. She worried her lip slightly. Aqualad looked down at the black haired girl and smiled gently. In the background another scream erupted. Blackfire shut her eyes again. Aqualad rubbed her shoulder gently; a heat ran up his face when Blackfire laid her head down on his shoulder. Her head turned back to the screen, initial freight forgotten. Aqualad couldn't help but notice that even though her head was turned back to the screen, it was still safe on his shoulder. If he looked closely he could see that she could see him too. He leaned his head towards her, until his cheek met the top of her head. It wasn't a declaration of undying affection, but it would do.
The movie didn't get any less scary as it progressed. Beast Boy's nail chewing had erected a pile of clippings up to his chin. When a shriek erupted on screen Beast Boy toppled the pile when he rocketed out of his seat and landed on Celine's lap. The movement shocked Celine, completely unsure of what to do. She turned to Cyborg hoping for an explanation. It was clear from his expression that he had nothing. Celine rubbed her head before taking a course of action. She stood up, dumping the changeling on the floor and made to exit the aisle, nearly tripping over Terra's feet as she exited. Beast Boy pulled himself to a crouch and watched the rest of the movie from behind the safety of another chair.
The ending clips rolled. The lights turned on. The Titans were thoroughly terrified.
"That was most… unforgettable." Starfire stated as tried to reverse the hair-raising effects the movie had had on her.
Speedy nodded in agreement. "Yeah… I'll never forget how Sakura squirmed like a little girl when the main character got her brain chewed. I didn't know you were such a horror movie chicken."
"I'm not…"
"So then why did you spend half the movie with her head in my shoulder?"
Sakura made a face at him. "Maybe because I like you dummy." Sakura replied.
"No--- That's why you held my hand. Admit it, you were scared."
"No."
"Yes you were." Speedy continued to pester her and she continued to resist until finally frustration got the better of her.
"I wasn't scared! Get it through your head! Speedy no baka⁷!" Sakura stormed off.
Speedy turned his head to Robin, completely unsure how to read what just happened. "That's some term of endearment right?"
Robin shook his head. "Absolutely not."
Speedy smiled. "I guess I'll go apologize."
"So quick?" Raven asked.
"Yeah… that girl's got me wrapped around her finger."
Robin turned to Raven. "Yeah. I know the feeling."
End of Part Two
A/N
¹Raven can't find HOPE on her own. It shows her dependence on others for finding it. She needs someone to point it out to her. I think we all know the REAL who…
²That is, Raven refers to her as BravE not BraverY
³Her desperate manifestations are her creepy birds.
⁴Umm… Indian style
⁵This is the spell she used to trap Malchior
⁶ Blue is Raven, Green is BravE and Yellow is KnowledgE
⁷ Speedy no baka is Speedy you idiot: In the case of Sakura and Speedy, it may very well be a term of endearment.