The Reason - chapter 4

oooooooooooooo

Kara was both excited and disappointed. She was excited beyond belief that Anders had found his way to her, but now that she was stuck on Pegasus, it was as though he was as unreachable as ever. She worked with a zeal Lee had never seen before - pushing herself and her people to the limit in order to get the mission complete so she could go back. Not that there's much I can do, she thought. I'm just the frakking CAG around here - not one of the people searching for the source of the transmission.

But she searched the hangar bays and all the ships tirelessly and pushed everyone into many more rotations than they were used to in order to keep the fleet defended. The search continued on for several days. Pegasus had been cleared, as had every other ship searched, but there were still a few left to go.

Lee walked into the CAG's office, hoping to find Kara so he could have a few words with her. Fortunately, she was between rotations and was there, but having just showered, she was in the sleeping area of the quarters, only partially dressed.

"Kara?" he called out tentatively, rounding the corner and stopping dead as he caught sight of her, clad only in a black sports bra and matching underwear. Her hair was still wet and Lee watched as droplets of water spilled down her nearly naked back. Then she turned around.

"Hey," she said neutrally, face unreadable. Having Lee catch her in her underwear was nothing new, and it didn't embarrass her in the slightest.

"I was wondering if we could talk."

She nodded briefly. "Sure."

"You ah ... might want to finish dressing first," he said, an amused expression on his face.

"Why? You don't like me in in my underwear?" she teased, big pout on her face. "Might hurt my ego."

"Whether or not I like it isn't the point. I really don't need one of the crew coming to see you and finding us having a chat while you're nearly naked."

"Spoilsport," she said, pulling on her uniform.

Frak, that's better, Lee thought. It is so hard to concentrate while looking at her in that! They wandered into the office area, Kara running her fingers through her hair in an attempt to comb it. "So, what's up?" she began, sitting behind her desk and putting her feet up.

"You're pushing everyone too hard." She gave him a 'what the hell are you talking about?' look. "People are complaining Kara. Complaining to me."

"Why don't they come to me then?"

"Probably because they're terrified of you." She smirked. "Yes, I know you like it that way, but when the crew complains, I have to do something about it."

"I thought that was the XO's job."

"It is, but he's just as terrified of you as they are."

Kara laughed out loud and Lee couldn't help but smile. "It isn't funny Kara. I've checked the schedules. You are working them too hard. We're going to have burnouts soon at this rate."

She suddenly became serious. "I thought the whole point was for us to find the frakking beacon as fast as possible and make sure the fleet is well-defended till we do. And it is."

"That isn't what this urgency is really about, now is it?"

Her eyes narrowed and she swung her feet off the desk. "What do you mean?"

He stepped closer, leaning over the desk. "You want to get back to Galactica - to Anders. You can't stand being away can you? So you're pushing yourself hard to make sure you don't think about him. But you're pushing everyone, not just yourself."

"Don't try to analyze me Lee, you don't know anything about me." Her stare was venomous.

"Oh I don't do I?" Lee advanced on her, and the look on his face was predatory. His eyes bored into her like lasers. Kara stood up and backed away as he advanced. Her heart pounded - Lee had never acted like this with her before. Soon he had her pinned against the wall, heavily muscled arms holding her in place.

"Lee," she said dangerously, but suddenly his lips were on hers, fierce and demanding. She tried to protest, at least for a few seconds, then her arms slipped up around his neck and twined in his hair.

Lee felt a sudden fire ignite in him as she began to respond, but just as suddenly, she pulled her arms back to his chest and gave him a shove. They stood, facing one another, breathing heavily in each other's faces.

"So, I don't know anything about you huh?" Lee said spitefully. Kara said nothing but continued to stare angrily at him. "Kara," he went on, a note of pleading entering his voice. "Isn't there any chance for us ..."

"That's just great Lee!" Kara exploded, pushing him out of the way and striding across the room. She whirled angrily, hands on her hips. "Now you decide to act. You waffle around for months, pretending you don't have feelings for me, and suddenly decide it's time now that I've found someone else? Well it's too late! Too damn late for that Lee Adama!"

His face fell. "Right. I get it." He turned to leave. "Just try not to kill anyone from overwork, okay?"

"Lee." He stopped at the threshold, hearing Kara's footsteps behind him. "I'm sorry."

He swung around. "Sorry for what?" he challenged, not letting her off easy.

"Sorry for yelling at you. Sorry for ... gods Lee, you know I do care for you but ..." He waited, making her continue. "If the circumstances were different ... if we didn't have all the history we have ... " She put a hand out and touched his cheek gently. "If it was just us, nothing more, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. But even thinking about being with you?" She shook her head. "Every time I look into your eyes, I see Zack. I just can't do it Lee, I can't betray Zack like that."

Lee's expression softened as he saw tears come into her eyes at the memory of his brother.

"Anders reminds me of you - you both have the same sense of duty and loyalty, the same devotion to the people you care about. He's a good man Lee, just like you are. But he's not you. He's not Zack's brother. I can be with him without all the guilt. I can be happy with him. Will you let me?" She paused, one tear finding it's way down her cheek. "We're friends aren't we? Can't you be happy for me?"

Lee was moved by the vulnerability he saw in her face and heard in her words. He took her hands in his. "Of course we're friends. Never doubt that. And I am happy for you. It's just ..." He looked away over her shoulder.

"I know. I wish too. But we can't, you know we can't."

"I know," he sighed. "And I'll try to be happy for you. You deserve to be happy Kara."

"So do you," she whispered. "It just can't be with me."

Lee squeezed her hands and smiled weakly. "It'll be over soon and you can go back to Galactica to be with him. Just try to take it easy on the pilots till then, okay?"

"Okay. And Lee, thank you." She leaned forward impulsively and kissed him, a sweet, soft kiss, full of genuine affection.

Lee pulled away a moment later, before his baser instincts took over and he pulled her into his arms fiercely and never let her go. "I've got to get back to work," he said, a little breathlessly.

"Yes Commander," she replied, smiling sadly as he walked out of her office.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Later, after her shift, as she lay in her bunk, the tears spilled hotly down her cheeks. Why? Why Lee? Why did you do this to me? Why couldn't you have told me months ago, before I met Sam? Maybe I could have tried to push the guilt aside and go for it. I love you Lee, I only wish I could love you. The tears continued to fall even as her thoughts turned to Anders. She wondered, for the first time, if she only allowed herself to fall for him because she wanted to forget about Lee. No, that couldn't be. I love him, I do, really. He is a good man, like I told Lee, and I really do love him. And her tears for Lee and Anders mingled, even as their two faces merged in her mind. Blue eyes - two sets of blue eyes, piercing into her soul.

TBC