Suzuki Touichirou hadn't touched a woman in years.

"Touichi….oh God Touichi…"

She sounded just like Masami. Her hand was in his hair just like Masami's had been when he had last done this for her. When he had last gotten down on his knees and worshipped at the altar that was her body. Her thighs on either side of his head. The taste of her…God…he loved this. The way her hand pushed his head down, the way her nails scraped against his scalp, the way she breathlessly said his name…like she couldn't draw enough air to manage the entire thing. It was a very long name, he had noticed, four syllables. She could only manage three.

He knew how to get her down to two.

He loved getting her down to two. He knew how to get her down to two….and it wasn't difficult. A little more pressure here, a little faster there, and then once she was down to two syllable…Toui….Toui…then…well then he would keep going like this for a bit. He knew how to get her down to one syllable…and then just to incoherent babbling….but he'd slow down for a moment. He'd slow down and savor her. She vaguely tasted of onions and he liked onions…or maybe onions tasted of her…or maybe all women just tasted like onions.

Shiori tasted like onions.

Vaguely. Just…that same sort of vague, oniony taste that Masami had…and this was….this wasn't right. He should not have been down on his knees for her. He should not have let her scrape her fingers through his hair. He should not have been trying to get her down to one syllable and keep her there. He should not have been getting her to rock against him and beg him and…and he should not have been doing this but he liked it. He liked it and…and he would keep at it…and this was so good….and he loved doing this…

And he hadn't done this in so long.

"Touichirou, you knew I was going to do this for you today…so why did you have to make it so hard for me?"

He was on his back now…and Masami had said that the first time that she had ever…and was this the same love hotel? The walls were still made of velvet and there was that chandelier….but the bed felt different. He knew this bed. This was the same bed that he had slept in…well no…he didn't know this bed…and he didn't know why he cared about the bed or the room. There was a hand undoing his belt and…nobody had done this for him in a while. He saw the hand, there, and the fingernails were green…not red…but green was a nice color too. Green stood out against his pants…navy blue…or maybe black…and he didn't know why he cared because she had undone his belt…and there was something to having someone else undress you…

There was something to having your wife undress you.

This was not his wife…but she felt like her. This was…he should have been with his wife but…but he didn't have a wife anymore and…and this was….his hand should not have been in her hair. He used to love this, to run his fingers through Masami's hair when she did this. He had done that on their first night together….and she had said…he couldn't remember what she had said…but she had said something…and he couldn't remember what but he had said something and then she had laughed….God…she had laughed around him and he had just about died right there…and he felt like he was going to die….

It had been too long.

God. When was the last time a woman had done this to him? He just…he couldn't remember right now. This was heaven. Her mouth around him, his hands in her hair, and her hair was so soft…softer than Masami's….soft and thick and black and long and this was just….this was amazing…and he was going to die…and what a death it would be! God…he wanted to die in her mouth with then and he didn't care who found his body and….yes….this was so….

It had been way too long.

"No Touichirou, not yet. I know you and the minute you finish you're out like a light, now move over. I want you on top of me."

Now he was going to die. Now he was going to die at forty four and he didn't mind one bit. God…Shiori was so beautiful…she was wearing that yellow thing Masami had worn on their honeymoon…and every single anniversary. The very short and see through yellow nightshirt…thing…with the lace and the impractically small unclothes and….oh he loved it! And Shiori was there and her hair was fanned out all around her and her skin was so soft and her hair was so soft and…well at some point he had lost his own clothes and she was tracing patterns on his freckles and Masami hadn't done that….who had done that? He…not the first time but one of those and….he still like it and…well he liked this too and….now she was kissing him and he was kissing her and he couldn't even remember the last time he'd kissed a woman and he could feel her legs wrapped around him and she was kicking him on the small of his back and she was wearing this impractically high see through socks….Masami hadn't worn those for him…and he couldn't remember who had…and Shiori was the one who was wearing them and he couldn't complain and he hadn't been complaining…

But he was dying.

It felt like he was going to die and he liked it. He was with another woman and he liked it. He was in another woman and he liked it. He was inside of her and he was inside of him and she was wrapped around him and her sin was so soft and she was saying his name….Touichirou….and there was an emphasis on the end that he hadn't heard in years and he was going to die and…

And he didn't die.

But he wished that he had.

"No….God…." said Suzuki because, well, there was nothing else that he could say. He hadn't been in this predicament since…well he hadn't been counting the years or anything….but not since high school at least and now….God! What was wrong with him? What was the matter with him? What had gone wrong in his mind that he would even think about let alone….he was forty four years old!

He was too old for this.

He was too married for this. He made a fist with is ring hand. He was married. He was too married for this. He was too married to have been thinking about a woman who was not his wife. He was too married to have been laying there in his bed imagining what it would have been like with a woman who was not his wife. Not only had he dreamt about her but he had also….he didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think about what he had just done to himself…allowed to happen to himself. No. This could not be. He could not be here and he could not be in this predicament and he just…

He got out of bed.

The first step was getting out of bed. He had to be logical about this. The first step to dealing with this was to get out of bed. So that was what he did. This felt just as disgusting now as it had when he had been an adolescent…and he was just as upset now as he had been when he had been an adolescent. This was just…unpleasant. Well it would be less unpleasant if he could get to step two, change his clothes. That step was also unpleasant….but necessary. Step three involved getting dressed, pleasant, and then step four involved sanding in the middle of his room mentally berating himself for having the nerve to think about a woman who was not his wife!

Step four would have to be cut short in favor of step five….put his clothes in the wash.

He did know how to do laundry….sort of. He hadn't washed his own clothes since university…no. Since high school. He had sent his clothes to a laundry in university. Well he could remember how it was done. He had to do his own laundry now. Just like when he had been young he had to be the one to do his own laundry…and that was what he was going to do. That was just…what he had to do. This. Something. Anything. Anything at all to keep his mind away from Shiori…and what he had done with her…in his mind…

He still felt filthy.

He took his clothes to the washing room, well alcove, and the whole time he felt completely and utterly filthy. Terrible. Depraved even. What kind of man thought about having sex with a woman who was not his wife? He did. The sort of man who cheated on his wife…and he would never forgive himself for that…and no wonder Masami stayed away. He would have stayed away too if he'd been forced to have a husband like him…if he'd been a woman as perfect as Masami…and if he had been forced to be with a man as terrible as him and….

He dumped his laundry in the washing machine.

Now how did it go…he thought back. Clothes got washed in hot water…half a cup of detergent for a normal load…and then fabric softener once it got to rinse and….alright. Detergent…detergent….he found something that said that it was detergent but looked more like candy…and Daughter had helpfully written 'Sho these are poisonous do not eat them or play with them or get them near your eyes' and she had ended her message with a sticker of a smiling cat…well that was helpful if he had been the sort of person who ate things which looked like candy….but not for washing clothes…

Oh, right, there were directions on the box.

One pod per load….there…and then…well there were a lot more settings than when he had been young enough to wash his own clothes…and he so wished that he had watched Daughter do this. She knew how to do laundry….not that he would wake her up. Not for this. He decided to go with hot water and a normal cycle…and he so wished that washing machines weren't so complicated….but this was good. Complicated was good. Complicated would keep him from thinking about how warm and soft and inviting and….

And now he was thinking about this again.

He needed to stop. He went back to bed. Maybe if he went to sleep then he could dream about something else. Maybe about the time he got lost in the shopping center when he had been three. That was a recurring nightmare. In his dream he never saw his mother again and he ended up being lost forever…and he could do that. He could and would do that. He made his way back to his bed and laid himself down and tried to force sleep to come. He just….he had to sleep. He had to close his eyes and sleep and just….sleep until tomorrow happened and this whole night seemed like a terrible dream. He needed sleep….

But it wouldn't come.

He was on his back and his eyes were closed and he had no way of forcing himself to fall asleep. He had been trying. He was in sleeping positon and his eyes were closed and he was doing his best to slow his breathing so he could fall asleep, he wasn't worried about his clothes he could always throw them in the dryer in the morning, but he just…he could not sleep. He could not sleep and…and he needed to sleep. He had work to do. He had a cell to visit and talent to acquire and negotiations to…well think of and…and he just needed his sleep….

But he could not sleep.

He opened his eyes. The room was black. He closed them again. The room was black. He opened them again. The room was still black. The room was black and he was all alone and…and he just…he didn't know what was the MATTER with him! He had….maybe he was too ashamed of himself to fall asleep. Yes, that was it. He was too ashamed of himself to sleep…because he did not deserve sleep. He had been thinking of a woman who was not his wife and….and he had a wife. She was gone from him but he had a wife and…

And he hadn't seen his wife in four years.

They had been married for seven years when she had left. She had been gone for four. Almost half the time that they had been married she was gone. Three more years and they would have spent an equal time separated as they had spent married. He just…he made a fist with his ring hand. He could feel it, the metal of it, the plain gold band. That was a symbol of his life with Masami. One life, never ending, well they would die but…well he had no idea if they would stay married in their afterlife or not. Maybe he would see her on the other side…he didn't know. All he knew was that he just…there was a pain centered in his chest…it was both dull and sharp at the same time. Sudden and drawn out. Aching. There was an aching inside of him and…and he had no idea…..he ached for her. Not only for the feel of her body but the sound of her voice…

He couldn't remember the sound of her voice.

He sat up suddenly. The house shook. He didn't care. He couldn't remember the sound of her voice and….and he could remember the things that she said to him…and the way she would say them…but he hadn't heard the sound of her voice in so long and…and now the pain was worse…and it had moved up to his eyes and…and he was not going to cry. He had very clear memories of the last time he had cried, when he had killed mother and father, and he had been little more than a child then. Eighteen. He was a grown man now. He was forty four and he could not cry…especially not over something that was his fault…and it must have been his fault…

He must have done something wrong.

He had no idea what! He had been a good partner, well he had tried to, and he had tried his best….he had done everything right! He had given her a house and children and money and he had been there for her when time could permit and…and he had kept her safe and…and it hadn't been enough. There had bene something that he hadn't done, something had been missing, and now because something had been missing she was missing. She was missing and gone and he was alone….he was all alone. He felt the other side of the bed. Cold.

It didn't have to be.

He didn't have to be alone…and he shouldn't have been alone. Especially not with his thoughts. His mind kept on jumping between the pain that he felt….the shame of what he had dreamt of….the rapturous pleasure of it…the softness of…well he had no idea what Shiori even felt like and…and he should not have been thinking about Shiori in the first place! He should not have been thinking about any of that in the first place…and he knew how to stop it. He knew exactly how to stop thinking of all of that. He was thinking like this because he was alone.

So the solution to his problem was simple.

He just wouldn't sleep alone. He got out of bed for the second time that night. There wasn't much ambient light but there was enough to help him make his way down the hallway, and to be safe he swept a clear path for himself with his powers, until he made it to the children's room. He opened the door slowly, waking Son would take his mind off of things but not in the way that he wanted, and he stepped into the room just as slowly. It was a mess, as always, and he made a path for himself as quietly as he could.

Not quietly enough.

He could have sworn he heard movement coming from the closet…he must have knocked something into it. Whatever. That didn't matter. No, the only thing that mattered in that room was Shigeko. There. Shigeko was asleep in her bed and she looked so…she looked so perfect there on her side with her blanket tucked under her head and the moonlight streaming in from the outside…she was so perfect and he almost felt guilty for waking her…so he decided to be careful not to wake her. He lifted her with his powers and carried her out of her bed. He made sure to keep her steady and straight, he couldn't have her waking up and wondering what in God's name possessed him to do this….because he was not going to explain ANY of that to his Daughter, and he kept her sleeping until he got to his room.

She was so perfect when she slept.

He pulled the blanket to the side with his powers and laid her down. He used to do this for Masami when she would fall asleep in front of the television. She never woke up….and neither did Shigeko. She was so…so small and so perfect and…and when she was near he couldn't think of anything besides her…and that was good. That was the way that things were supposed to be. He should only have thought of her, of giving her the life that she deserved, of their future together….so that was what he did.

He laid down beside her.

He laid down beside her and he turned on his side. He had put her down on her side and now she was facing him. He brushed her hair out of her face. There. This was…this was good. He could only think of her and…and there was still that shame and pain and…and he focused on her. He put an arm around her until his hand was rested against her back. He felt the steady rise and fall of her lungs as she inhaled and exhaled peacefully. She would never be tormented by this….by the things that tormented him….and that was all that he asked for. He just wanted her, his child, his Shigeko, to have a good life…a better life than his….the sort of life that she deserved….the best life that he could give her…since she already gave him such a wonderful life and…and he had always been a complete person on his own but…well he needed some help being that person…and she could help with that. Even now, fast asleep, she could help with that. Just by being beside him she could help with that.

He pulled her close and held her.