The LAOAFVFTDOEIE – Now Accepting Applications!
Chapter 2 – Voldemort

"Bring in the first candidate." Melkor rose, bowed to Raistlin sissy-British-style, strode to the door, and opened it.

"First candidate!"

A tall, blonde young man commonly known as Rand al'Thor the Dragon Reborn entered—backwards, no less, for he sported a face upon both sides of his head. Melkor returned to his seat.

Blachloch dipped his quill into his inkwell. "State your name and profession." The grotesque growth sprouting from the back of Rand al'Thor's head spoke.

"Voldemort—Lord Voldemort. Wizard."

"Not another wizard!" Dilandau Albatou propped red-booted feet on the table and lit his quill on fire.

Queen Mab glared at him. "As the only one present with no magical abilities, you should keep your comments to yourself!" she rasped.

"And you should use some of that magic to fix your voice!" Dilandau retorted. "You sound like a chain smoker!"

"Quiet!" Melkor snapped.

The door burst open, and a man rushed at Raistlin, a large sword raised above his head. "I will be President!"

Raistlin sighed. "Ast kirannan kair soth-arn suh kali jalaran." A fireball shot from his hand and consumed the not-assassin.

Dilandau giggled psychotically, stroking the scar on his right cheek. "Burn! Burn! Hee hee hee!"

Raistlin gestured casually to the pile of ash. "Clean that up, Sauron." The giant, flaming eye left its seat to find a broom.

Raistlin returned his attention to the growth. "As you are aware, the LAOAFVFTDOEIE is a prestigious organization for the most evil of the evil. You must present us proof that you are worthy." The gold-skinned mage indicated his companions. "For example, Sauron attempted domination of a world. Sesshoumaru holds all of feudal Japan in his power. Sang-Drax nearly imprisoned an entire race of people inside a living Hell. Dilandau Albatou single-handedly razed an entire country—" Dilandau interrupted him.

"—and two capitols, an outpost—"

"Silence!" Raistlin snapped. Dilandau presented the archmage with a certain digit, which Raistlin returned with a lightning bolt. "And I nearly slew the Goddess of Darkness and took her place," he finished.

"Tell us, what malicious deeds have you accomplished?" Dalamar inquired. The Voldemort-possessed al'Thor straightened.

"I killed James and Lily Potter."

Sesshoumaru drummed his fingers on the table, his claws punching holes in the stone. "Who the hell are they?"

Voldemort/al'Thor swallowed nervously. "And I pick on schoolchildren!" he added defensively.

"But they continually thwart you?" Pirotess asked, leaning forward. The growth nodded.

"But the entire wizarding world holds my name in fear!"

Blachloch sniffed. "I would beg to differ!"

"Can I kill him?" Dilandau asked, a hand on the hilt of his sword.

"Wait." Raistlin folded long-fingered hands. "Even Pirotess played only a small role. Perhaps, Voldemort, a demonstration of your power?"

"This had better be good," Blachloch muttered.

"Yes! A demonstration! My magic is beyond compare!" Voldemort/al'Thor patted his pockets. "Uh…I think I've left my wand in my other body."

"Enough!" Melkor slammed a fist on the table. "Thou art the most pathetic, miserable excuse for a villain that I hath ever laid mine eyes upon!"

"Can I kill him yet?" Dilandau asked.

Melkor continued. "Even Sesshoumaru art more evil than thee, and he hath a soft spot for little human children!"

Sesshoumaru growled, the whites of his eyes going red. "Leave Rin out of this!"

"Can I kill him now?" Dilandau asked.

Melkor raised a fist. "How doth the High Council vote?" Nine raspberries greeted him. He addressed Raistlin. "With thy permission, President?" Raistlin nodded. "Wouldst thou, Sang-Drax?"

"Gladly." The elf rose from his seat.

Voldal'Thor glanced around frantically. His eyes fell upon Dilandau. "Alone!" he shouted. The albino froze. Voldal'Thor grinned. "Alone! Alone alone alone alone alone!"

Dilandau screamed, doubling over, clutching at his head. "No! Chesta! Gatti! Don't leave me here all alone!"

Sauron rolled his Eye. "Oh, not again! I knew we should have appointed Cool Mint as the Head of Torture instead of him!"

"But, my Shalafi won't allow him to hold an office until he keeps his Rose of Death on a leash," Dalamar reminded him.

Meanwhile, Voldal'Thor had tiptoed to the door.

"You can't get away!" Sang-Drax grew, his body swelling into that of his true form—a gigantic, toothless, slimy serpent with one glowing, red eye, the other having been put out by a Good Guy. He lunged, and with a loud crunch not unlike that of a potato chip his mouth closed over Voldal'Thor.

Raistlin glared at the screaming Dilandau. "For Lunitari's sake, someone shut him up!" Melkor delivered to Dilandau a strong blow upside the head. Dilandau slumped forward—and a blonde-haired, blue-eyed young woman straightened. Raistlin signed as Sang-Drax returned to his elf form and took his seat. "Fix him, Sesshoumaru."

Sesshoumaru stood, unsheathed the Tenseiga—the sword of healing—and impaled Celena Schezar upon it. In a spout of pink flames the woman turned back into a man.

Dilandau shook his head. "Hey! I wanted to kill him!" He lit his parchment on fire, sulking.

Raistlin sighed. "These mortals are idiots. Bring in the next candidate."