The LAOAFVFTDOEIE – Now Accepting Applications!
Chapter 4 – A Waste of Time

"Next candidate!"

The door opened, as doors are wont to do—they also have the ability to shut, but, once hut, can only perform the action of opening. A tall figure clad head to toe—literally—in black swept in to stand confidently in front of the High Council.

"Name and profession," Blachloch droned.

"Vader, Lord of the Sith," the deep voice replied.

Dalamar leaned over. "He wheezes like you, Shalafi," he whispered. Raistlin frowned and clobbered Dalamar with the Staff of Magius. Dalamar flew across the room like an unladen swallow (European) to impact with the wall and slide down to the floor.

Sauron jabbed a nonexistent finger at Vader. "Half a minute! Thou art not even a fantasy villain!" Vader folded his arms.

"Star Wars is a sci-fantasy! Don't you imbeciles know anything?"

"It's not good enough! Thou shalt die!"

"It would not be wise to attack me," Vader warned, "for I have complete mastery over the Force!"

"Let me deal with this one." Sesshoumaru stood, flexing his fingers.

"You cannot defeat me!" Darth Vader raised his hand in a clenching gesture, and Sesshoumaru rose from the floor in The Grip.

"Foolish mortal." A ribbon-like whip of green magic flared to life around Sesshoumaru's hand; he lashed out, and the Sith Lord's black helmet, head still inside, rolled to a stop beside the dead Pikachu. Seshoumaru landed on the table on his feet, as opposed to his head or buttocks or other body parts also commonly landed on, knocking over goblets of wine and scattering mixed nuts.

Melkor poked his head out the door. "Next candidate!"

In shuffled a small, dirty being. In one hand it held a very dead rat, the pointer finger of the other hand had been shoved all the way up its nose.

Raistlin straightened. "Bupu! What are you doing here?" Bupu grinned.

"I find pretty man!" Blachloch pinched his nose.

"Ugh! The smell!" Sauron hopped from one nonexistent foot to the other, a nonexistent smirk upon his nonexistent face.

"I don't have a no-ose! I don't have a no-ose!" he sing-songed smugly.

"Let me kill it!" Dilandau begged. Raistlin shot him a glare.

"No."

"Pleeeease? I gotta kill something!"

"Should I get rid of it, Shalafi?" Dalamar asked.

"You will not harm Bupu!"

"Hmph!" Sesshoumaru tossed his head. "And they call me weak because of Rin!" Raistlin opened his mouth to reply. His lungs took that opportunity to try to escape, and the dark mage spent the next few minutes coughing in attempt to imprison them again.

"Pretty man sick!" Bupu hunted through her pockets. "Me find dead lizard! Cure cough!"

"No, that's quite all right," Raistlin wheezed.

"I'm getting rid of that thing!" Queen Mab pointed a finger at Bupu.

"You will not!"

"What are we going to do with it?" Sang-Drax argued. "It's too stupid to be a villain!"

Raistlin sat back. "We need a custodian. Bupu, clean up those bodies."

"Me do what pretty man says! Make pretty man happy!" Bupu slung the dead Pikachu over her shoulder, grabbed Darth Vader by the ankle, and kicked his head out the door, trailing a smear of blood on the floor behind her as she left.

Melkor shook his head. "Next candidate!"