String of Memory
Part One
A/N: I got my first flame over my hiatus. I must say it was rather anti-climatic, but it did prompt me to remember to say thanks to all my loyal readers and reviewers. You all rock my socks for staying with me through this beast of a story. You've never let me down when I needed inspiration and I hope not to let you guys down either when you need a good story.
Also, this chapter is going to be a little dark where Speedy is concerned…
…
His name was Seth. He didn't know why they called him Roy but they did. No matter how much he protested they kept calling him Roy and eventually he gave up. He started responding to it more and more like second nature and eventually Roy became his permanent handle.
He walked the streets, mostly during the day when there wasn't too much of a crowd and all the weirdoes weren't out yet. That was when it was safest to do his business, though safe was a relative term.
Roark Harold was a murderer. Though he preferred to prey on the confident, he wasn't against traumatizing the weak, especially children. He picked a target and sunk his claws in and gave a harsh sting to life.
He found Roy Harper and decided to play.
The lithe red head was a bit too pretty to go through life unmolested, physically or otherwise. Roark Harold had an interest in the mind state of the boy who managed to dodge attacks and ill-intentions better than people with twice his life experience. He could dodge and avoid thieves and weirdoes all he wanted, but he couldn't avoid Roark Harold.
As a result of Roark Harold's constant and cruel gaze, Seth "Roy" Harper spent a lot of time on the run. He had gashes on his thighs from when he wasn't fast enough, scratches on his feet when he had made wrong turns into alleys and exactly six permanent scars in the inside slope of his shoulders that were distinctly in the shape of struck-burned matches.
Roy made his way honest, that is, not stealing, instead scavenging for things in the urban jungle, hoping none of his motions would inspire Roark's gaze. He had the fingers of an artist, the gaze of a hunter and the body build of a gymnast; it was difficult for him to go undetected. He'd spend entire nights on the run, trying to evade the ever stretching reach of the monster that ran the Hell's Kitchen where Roy had somehow ended up after his father had gone missing. He had come to Cook looking for his mother, who apparently had died in some fashion connected with Roark: that same connection that kept him trapped in Cook: that plan that made his entire life a cat and mouse game. He was the mouse, one of many, but he was the only one that Roark battered around instead of devouring immediately.
He didn't know how long he had run between the streetlights of Cook before he was happened upon a generous man named John Stewart, a man too generous for Roy to trust right off the bat. But he did trust him and the man took him off the streets of Cook, though Roy had given him plenty of warning that Roark Harold had made him his personal prize possession and Roark Harold never let go of things he wasn't done with yet. John Stewart had told him not to worry: that he had more than enough muscle in his corner to handle the likes of Roark Harold.
From the age of fourteen to the age of seventeen, the year he had met Robin and the other Titans at the tournament of Heroes, Speedy had been born and perfected under the watchful gaze of the Green Lantern. Speedy exploded in Steel City as a phenomenon of heroics that rivaled the likes of Batman in magnitude. Tales of his skill traveled through news papers as far as Jump City and especially as far as Cook. Covered in the media glow and constant work, Speedy was able to throw himself into his new personality and hide away all the nightmares he had lived out in his years in Cook.
When he was seventeen he left his mentor behind and joined his friend Aqualad in joining the Teen Titans of Jump City. And less than a year on that team he met a girl that had her own scars on her back that she was living high and well to look over. She was cool, she was gifted and she was beautiful: she was all the things that Speedy wanted in a friend, in a lover, in a love.
Speedy was sleeping on his back. Half asleep really, thinking about something that tasted bitter in his throat. Four years ago Speedy had gotten the girl that made everything behind him seem like exactly what it was: in the past. And with her he could look forward all the time and enjoy every second of life. But only after months of waking up to her in his arms, he was in a position where she might never wake up. Washu apparently had the ability to put people to sleep and so far, the only limit to his power was his mercy… and that was nonexistent. Speedy hated that once again the moments of his life were directed by a tyranny that he couldn't face. It burned him constantly, in a way that was different than when he was younger, but it burned him none-the-less.
…
Their grey skin was in contrast as Jinx reached her hand out to touch Raven's arm. Raven's first reaction was to pull away and the second was to slap her, but she did neither: Jinx knew something and information was valuable to her.
"We can take the Endari Moon Path. My birthright will allow us to travel through the dark moon to reach the deepest circle in the ring of Azarath."
"The Endari… that only opens once every…"
"In two days… despite my birthright, it will still be a challenge to get to and open… It will… require both of us to pass. I suggest you rest your strength."
Raven shook her head. "I can't rest… I have to tell them all the truth…"
"I didn't tell them anything except where you were. I figured you'd want to be the one to tell them everything."
"You figured incorrectly. I don't want to tell them what has become of everything, but I must. They're my friends and I don't want to hurt them by leaving them in the dark any more."
"We're still in the dark." Jinx replied.
"You say that to me like I'm not already aware."
"I'll go and gather them then." Jinx decided after a few moments of silent stares.
"Don't get Robin… I need to talk to him on my own."
Jinx nodded and left the dark room. Raven found it hard to think. Even though she was in her home, in her room, she felt terribly out of place. She hadn't needed anyone to explain to her that a series of terrible events had occurred while she was gone: she had felt the full attack in her own body. Her friends had changed, her team had changed and the life course she had thought she had changed had simply taken a hidden path to get to where her father wanted her.
Raven swallowed hard and changed her clothes. She wasn't foolish enough to think to put on a leotard, like she had when she was sixteen. The changes that were consequences of age and her retched blood would make the fit impossible. Her slender fingers shifted through the remnants of her wardrobe when her fingers ghosted against a black slip of material. Before she had any consciousness to her action, she pulled the garment free from the closet and stared at it as if she had never seen it before.
But she had seen it before and like a hurricane the memory of it rushed to her as her fingers traced the material up and down. It was the dress, the dress she had fretted hours over to wear on her first six month anniversary with Robin… because of everything, she hadn't been able to wear it and now it was much too late to wear it.
When she was younger her anger would have torn that pretty little dress to shreds. But her body was calming all her destructive urges: she had a life to protect; the stress of her power would only cause it harm. So her heartbeat slowed even as tears flooded her eyes. She gripped the dress to her chest and dropped to the floor, crying the way she wanted to since the moment she found out the truth.
She finished her cry and finished changing clothes, careful to wrap her cloak around her body. Beneath the visual shield, her arms wrapped around her middle as if a slight jarring would spill her baby prematurely.
In two days… I'll take this child to Azarath, to have her born there just like I was… to terrible things like I was… and to lie to her… just like I was…
…
Robin woke up slowly and very cold. He was in the medical room, just like he remembered. But he was alone in the bed, that part he couldn't account for.
It couldn't have been a dream… I felt her. I held her tightly… how had she slipped away? His body wasn't warm with the memory of her, the way it used to be when they were kids. No, it couldn't have been my imagination! She has to be here! She has to!
Robin fled from the medic room and raced to Raven's room. It was the only place she would be if she wasn't in his arms. He found her there, sitting on her bed, holding a mangled bunny in her fingers. Robin's breath hitched in his throat as his eyes took in the sight of her. Her hair was free, falling over her right shoulder and down her back. The locks were longer, reaching the bed sheets even over the lengthened expanse of her back.
"Raven." He whispered.
Her huge purple eyes were just bare of tears, the boy with midnight shaded hair could see that somewhere in the haze of fear and uncertainty there was happiness in her eyes. He was going to do everything in his power to make happiness overwhelm all her uncertainties: she was home, she was safe, he would never let her go.
Raven stood up and Robin stood closer until they were toe to toe with Raven's forehead lining up under Robin's nose. She moved first, her slender fingers found the bind that kept his pony tail back and snapped it, his long tress falling free and outward. Both sets of her fingers reached out to touch them, he allowed the left hand, he caught the right in his own fingers and brought the digits to his lips.
"I tried not to change." He whispered and Raven's fingers felt every word. The same way her heart did.
"Everything's changed." Raven whispered.
"Nothing has to change… we'll never get back the years we lost, but Raven the way---"
Raven shifted the fingers of her right hand just slightly to hush Robin's words. Her eyes closed as she leaned her body forward until her forehead touched his jaw. She did something he missed dearly, something that brought a feeling of joy to his heart that he couldn't explain. She spoke to him, in the intimate way that only they could.
I never doubted for a moment that our hearts were together, no matter how far apart our bodies were…
Robin's body shuddered and the Titans' leader gave into the overwhelming emotions that had been building in him for longer than he could know. His arms wrapped around her crushing her chest against his. Their heart beats didn't align as perfectly as they had when they were younger; Robin had grown just a bit too much for that wonderful sensation to last through the years, but feeling her close to him gave him the warmth that her heartbeat had always been able to.
His grip could only become tighter as Raven pressed her body into his. For a moment all he could feel was every inch of her touching every inch of him… until he felt the warmth in the center of her belly, far to low to be the remnant energy of her heart.
"Raven?"
She pulled back suddenly, then pulled him back to her, cupping his face in both her hands as she kissed him hard on the mouth. She was sobbing again, the tears were wet down Robin's face. Her lips pressed his once, twice, then she pulled away again, still holding his face in her hands.
"When they told me I'd bare the portal… they meant it literally. What I would bare would be Trigon's way… my daughter…"
"Raven no…" His fingers squeezed her shoulders tightly.
"I couldn't stop it… all along I had believed in a false prophecy… When the monks of Azarath told me their vision… I sealed myself away for years, keeping my emotions to myself, building my power and I gave up all hope of…"
She pulled her hands away from Robin's face and cupped her mouth with them.
"The life you dreamed of… the motherhood you wanted…" Robin said slowly. He pulled her hands away from her mouth. His hands held her face, her arms latched into the inside of his elbows.
Her gaze couldn't escape his as she told him her truths.
"It was a plot, programmed by my body to make me unable to resist."
"That means your prophecy…"
"It was always my daughter that would bring the destruction to the world… and now it's begun."
"Raven, no! I won't let this happen!"
"It's too late to stop… her birth was Transient."
"What does that mean?"
"Her life course is set… She's sired to be born in three months and a year after that…"
"That's just enough time to prepare." Robin replied.
"To prepare what?"
"To make a safe room for you and the baby… to safe guard the Tower for an infant and make sure everything is---"
"Robin. Stop."
Robin hushed her gently, his thumbs rubbing her cheeks gently. Somehow, in a way that Raven couldn't understand, Robin was managing to smile. "I don't want you to be scared. We're in this together."
Raven shook her head, but didn't move from Robin's embrace. "That's why I'm afraid… everything is so wrong… things can't go back to the way they were before. No matter how I wish it weren't true…."
"Don't think like that."
"How can I not?"
Robin kissed her mouth gently, holding her face with both hands. "Keep hope in your heart."
I can't find her in my mind…
Raven sat Robin down beside her and told him everything she needed him to know.
"Raven… I know that you're scared. You have every right to be… but you're here with friends, with family and we're going to do everything it takes, no matter what it takes, to make sure the Syndicate never gets to you or the baby." Robin knelt down in front of her, taking both her slender hands into his. "I'll do everything beyond my powers to make sure this child grows up with love… without fear, without worry, without the evil plots over her head… I could be… a father to her.¹" Robin whispered, turning his left hand under her right to lay the interlocking fingers over her stomach. Raven shuddered. Robin whispered to her gently, his masked eyes trained on her beautiful purple ones. "She will be ours."
Raven wasn't sure how everything in the room hadn't exploded in the moment. She had trained for years to minimize the destructive outpour of her power caused by her emotions, but this feeling was stronger than anything she had ever felt… and probably would ever feel again… and that was the tragedy in her spirit, that was why so much was wilting away inside of her.
She had to tell him.
She will be ours…
"She won't be safe… I have to take her away… to Azarath"
…
Robin wasn't at the group meeting later that night. All the other Titans noticed and they all somehow knew that whatever Raven was going to tell them would be terrible, if Robin couldn't bear to hear it twice. Raven sat between Jinx and Celine as she told them the truth, or at least what she knew. Eyes were watering and thirty seconds ago D'ucel had fainted from the emotional outpour. He was roused awake by Starfire and had to focus to keep from blacking out again.
Celine took one of Raven's hands and squeezed it softly. "Two days? That isn't enough time… Is there no other way? We only just got you back…"
Raven shook her head. "I have to go…but this time, please know that I am… safe…"
"I wish that you would reconsider." Starfire replied, "Now that we know what we are up against, we can be better prepared to stop it."
Raven shook her head again. "We still don't know anything…"
Tempest stood up, his fingers still caught in Blackfire's hand. "But…"
Jinx stood up, shifting the weight on the couch, making Raven's body shift. Her purple eyes watched the other half-demoness stand before her friends to tell them the truth that hurt Raven to tell. "This is the only way. We have both seen it as so… there are magics in Azarath that can protect Raven and her child from all the darkness she'd encounter on Earth."
Beast King's green eyes wavered. "Can we go with you?"
Raven shook her head in the negative. "You can't. Only those born to or called can enter Azarath… this is the protection from the Syndicate that I require."
It was a barb she didn't mean, but it was something they had all seen coming. Protection: it was what Raven and her child needed; it was something that the Titans couldn't give her. They had failed her once, the evidence of it was in Raven's womb, across Celine's forehead and imprinted in all of their hearts.
They had four years to find her, to stop the Syndicate, to stop the first steps in the end of the world… and they couldn't do it. Now Raven needed a year to plan and protect the life of her daughter and not a single one of them in the room could blame her.
Someone outside the room could.
Raven held her stomach, the swell was increasing and if she concentrated hard enough she could find the beginning heartbeat of the little life in her. Cyborg leaned over her shoulder, placing one massive hand over her slight frame.
Cyborg's face was sad, but in the way that he did, he understood her and why she was going to do what she was going to do. "If that's the way it is, then that's the way it is."²
Celine frowned. The other Titans dropped their heads and D'ucel blacked out again. Celine's eyes moved from the toppled over Tameranian to Raven's face.
"Is there anything we can do for you… to help you through this?"
Raven squeezed her hand then squeezed her eyes shut. The rest of the Titans waited for her to say something, something that would make the pain lessen, if there was such a thing to say, but they were more than willing to take anything she had to say so they could believe that somehow they had helped her: that they had somehow given her something of what she needed… they couldn't protect her… the very least they could do was let her know that they loved her.
"I have missed you all and for another year I'll miss everything about you all. I only have a few hours to spend… just talk to me so I can imprint it all into my heart."
A tear fell down Starfire's face and she leapt forward and hugged Raven, careful with her strength. Raven patted the sobbing girl's back. Over the redhead's shoulder, she could see Cyborg and Blackfire trying to give her their best smiles. Starfire pulled back, her beautiful green eyes down at the floor. Raven touched her cheek and something like a smile graced her face. Starfire kneeled at Raven's feet and kept her eyes downcast as she tried to calm her tears.
Beast King looked away from Raven for a second before meeting her purple eyes with his handsome green ones. He rubbed the back of his head. "You wanna hear a crummy joke?" He offered.
Raven smiled. "Desperately, Beast Boy."
Beast King laughed a little. "It's uh Beast King now."
Raven blinked. "That's actually pretty… cool."
"Yeah, I thought so too."
She spent the seeing hours of the first day memorizing the changes in their faces, the sounds of their voices and the feel of their hands in hers. The way Starfire and Beast Boy had grown up, to the scar on Celine's forehead, to the way Aqualad changed his name. Those hours of that day belonged to her friends…
All the rest of the time in the tower belonged to Robin.
She had found it hard to walk away from him, the moment she had, when she went to tell the truth to all her friends. His shoulders were shaking and he looked as if he could destroy the world with his anger. He had wanted to say something mean, to think something mean, something to make her stay. But he couldn't. He had let her walk out the room, listening to her promise to return, she always promised she'd come back. He had collapsed onto her bed, finding that his upper back was squashing the brown bunny that he had been tending to since he found it within the wreckage of her room.
For hours he beat himself up for not being able to give Raven something to make her believe that staying with him was what was best. For four years he had dreamt of the moment when he'd be reunited with her and not a single scenario that had been born from his beautiful imagination had presented anything close to this.
But he couldn't just lie on her bed and wish for something better. As much as it hurt, and it did hurt more than all the other tragedies in his life, he couldn't waste the few precious hours he'd have with her. He wasn't going to fight her, but he wasn't going to let her go. For a few hours that would have to satisfy him for a year, he was going to hold onto her.
…
Raven had to walk past the medic room to get to her own. Starfire and Beast King walked with her and they stopped when she stopped there. Her purple eyes wandered for a few seconds before they fell on Sakura. Jinx had told her briefly what Washu had done to Sakura: when she thought about the brave older girl, Raven didn't want to believe it was true; but she knew first hand the cruelty Washu and the Slade Syndicate was capable of.
She walked in slowly and looked down at the sleeping girl. It was a sleep that couldn't be fought out of: it was programmed and no matter the great will within, it could not be over come.
Raven didn't know why she thought using her powers would somehow awaken Sakura: her powers hadn't saved herself… why would it work on anyone else? But her hand reached out and touched Sakura's forehead. She let her energy pull, seeping from her finger tips like water.
Raven had tried to using her powers to induce reanimation, but Sakura's Holy power arched and flared when she did. The Holy power was keeping Raven out.
"I guess that's the draw back of countering powers… we can't help each other.³ The opposing forces… just like before… her Holy is rejecting me."
But there was something to it. She swore just for a moment her stomach felt warm when Sakura's power had sparked gently to reject Raven's energy. The Holy hadn't hurt her… it felt calming, the life inside her resonated gently and something close to well-being held her gently.
Robin…
Raven…
Raven opened her eyes in surprise. Robin's voice had come to her so suddenly and so gently, just the way she remembered it to.
Beat, Beat Heartbeat…
Raven sunk through the floor and reappeared in her room, leaving behind a surprised Starfire and Beast King and a still sleeping Sakura.
Robin was standing in the center of her room and when she fazed in, he turned around and smiled at her.
"Robin?"
"Do you remember when we were on Tameran the second night of the Bructhorg and we sat together watching the fireworks?" He asked.
Raven nodded.
"You had said that where you were from there weren't festivities like the Bructhorg. No fireworks or celebrations or anything… is there something that can be done to make sure she grows up with color?"⁴
Raven bit back a sob. Robin's hand quietly took her hand, in his face Raven could see that he was going to accept what had to be done, but she could also see that it hurt him as much to let her go as it did for her to go. She squeezed his hand, touched his arm, running her fingers up to the ridiculously green sleeve of his uniform. It had been modified to accommodate his growth, but was still in the same shape and patterns. Her eyes took in every inch of him. "I could show her one of your uniforms."
Robin smiled for her that smile that he only had when she looked into his eyes. She smiled back. "No, I'm sure I can get her something better than that… I have something better for you… to make sure you have color to remember me by."
Raven let Robin take his hand away from hers. She shook her head gently. "I could never forget you."
"I know… wait here a second."
Raven nodded. He left, he came back, he gave her a present.
"I waited four years to give you that… it still feels like a going away present but I need you to have this…"
"I'll keep it always." Raven said before opening the small box. In front of the mystic's eyes was a glimmering music box. The music it played was surprisingly gentle, as to not take away from the display of lights it produced. The colors rebounded off her purple irises painting soft blues and reds across her skin.
"I went back and bought it when you were talking with Blackfire… I had brought something else, but when I saw the way your eyes lit up when you looked at the music box, I knew it was a better gift."
"Don't say better. I'd like anything from your heart… what was the original gift? Can I have it?"
"I'm going to hold onto it… as a welcome home gift."
Raven smiled and nodded her acceptance. She gently closed the music box and walked backwards smoothly to sit down on her bed. The small box was warm and smooth in her hands; she kept her eyes on Robin as her fingers moved over the polished gift.
"This can make sure I have color too…" Raven said, looking up into his masked eyes.
Robin shook his head in disagreement. "No, that's not what I wanted to give you for that."
Robin reached to his face and pulled off his mask.
Raven dared to look up and met his beautiful brown eyes. They were a brown she was unfamiliar with, the deep color was swirled and impacted with a subtle gold highlight, just along the corners when the light shined just so… or if he was on the verge of tears. Raven couldn't tell which.
His brown-gold eyes sat perfectly framed by his features, the slant to his features was slighter than she had expected with his heritage, but she knew a thing or two about being surprised with the details of one's pedigree. Cloaked against his long black hair, she swore she would never see anything so wonderful again.
You're beautiful… She whispered to herself.
Robin smiled. We have that effect on each other…
…
They spoke for hours, this time it was calm. Last time he had wanted to yell at her, she wanted to yell at him, they both wanted time to stop for just a while so they wouldn't have to feel hurt at each other's touch, because they knew it would be a long time before they touched again. But Raven had said the things that Robin had to hear to give up his struggle.
º "You can't ask me to do this, Raven! You can't!" Robin held her shoulders firmly as his forehead pressed into hers.
"If there were any other way to keep her safe, I'd take it in a heartbeat."
"Then let me come with you! I can't let you leave me again!"
"You can't." Raven replied.
"Why not?"
"There are a lot of reasons… things are changing all over the world."
"I don't care about the rest of the world! I care about you!"
"You do so care… you care about everything enough to let me go."
"I can't let you go Raven. I can't. I can't."
"You have to… the Syndicate won't remain static and the Brotherhood of Evil is moving. I saw the monitor: young heroes are still disappearing. Titans are disappearing. You have to stay. The team needs you."
"What about you Raven? Don't you need me?" His voice and face were desperate, behind that mask, Raven knew there were tears. There had to be. She couldn't be the only person crying at that moment.
"If I could keep you with me always and keep this little girl safe from Trigon, I would do them both and for the rest of my life. But if you feel about me the way I feel about you, you'll believe this isn't our only chance to be together… but it's our only chance to protect her."
Robin's arms hugged around her, wrapping over her shoulders and pressing every inch of her into his body. He could feel that warm feeling inside her, it was so strong already: the connection Raven had with it was absolute. She was a woman, a mother and she would do nothing that would harm her child and because Robin had proved once before that he couldn't protect Raven when she desperately needed him to, there was no choosing between keeping her baby safe and staying with Robin… where he wanted her, where she wanted to be, where she belonged. º
…
Around the tower the others were trying their best to digest what Raven and Jinx had told them and what those things would mean for their team and the rest of the world. Beast King sat on the floor at Starfire's legs, his arm petted Celine's shoulder. Both red haired girls were putting a brave front, as if tomorrow they weren't going to let go of a part of their hearts again. Beast King was only able to stay strong for them because he had received a letter from his mother that day.
He had joined the girls in making a pack for Raven to take with her to Azarath, but they all felt awkward about. They had no way of knowing what Raven would need in her new life: they only knew what she needed in her old life: their friendship, their love, their all. Both red haired girls kept their hands steady and Beast King kept them steady as they worked in silence.
Beast King knew that Cyborg was helping Jinx with preparations as well and while he was happy for his friend to find a companion, he really wished he had the help. D'ucel was away from the tower because such sadness crippled his ability to function. But Beast King knew that Starfire was becoming more and more sensitive like Foxfire and considering that her own emotional outpours were unbearable, the added sorrow running though the other Titans kept Starfire close to tears.
D'ucel's gone, Sakura's gone⁵, and Raven's going… Our family is changing again. We'll just have to wait for them to come back: D'ucel in a few days, Raven hopefully in a year… and Sakura just hopefully… In the meantime, after tomorrow… we're all going to be hurting again… I suppose I'll have to be stronger for everyone… For Starfire, for Celine, Speedy, Robin, Cy… all of us who are missing something close to our hearts…
I should be strong for myself first, if I'm going to help anyone.
…
In a few hours, when sunrise started, Raven would be leaving the tower and all the Titans would have to make their peace.
But in the sleeping hours, Raven's time was only Robin's. Falling asleep with Raven in his arms would be a memory that Robin would never forget.
And neither would Raven.
She felt him say it, as he held her close. He was foolish to think that keeping her in his arms would stop the terrible future… she wished she were fool enough to believe that as well. In his sleep he held her tight, his lips dry against the back of her neck. She would feel the words "I love you" against her body for everyday, every nightmare and sigh for the rest of her life. Raven held Robin's hand against her lips and wiped the tears from his fingers, from her cheeks.
All her life she had been prepared to be denied a wonderful future. What she hadn't been prepared for was having that wonderful future dangled outside her reach. She knew when she had decided to return to Azarath that she was going to lie to her baby and kill anyone who told her the truth. Her daughter was going to be a heroine. Her little life would spark valiantly, not as Trigon's Gate, but as the sealer of Trigon's doom.
She wished she could sleep better; it would be a long time before she could feel this warm again. Raven turned her body, her forehead lining up under Robin's lips. His arms remained tight around her middle, in his sleep his fingers ran across her lower back. His face was so handsome when he slept. How am I supposed to let this go?
Because you have to… because it's inevitable, just like everything else in your life. Raven closed her eyes.
Before, in those months where nothing could go wrong if she was in Robin's arms, HOPE would have surged in her and allowed her some alternate resource, something that could lead her to believe that staying on Earth would be best and that everything would be okay.
But SoRroW reminded her that she didn't have HOPE.
And that made all the difference between Raven doing what had to be done and Raven doing what was in her heart. Staying in bed, Raven slowly and thoroughly selected what she would take with her to Azarath: her dark energy selected her Iranda Scrolls, her Serene candles, the arrangement of sands that she had managed to find. She thought to include a few cloaks, but realized that the dark girl who was hiding from her future wasn't who she was anymore.
I don't know who I am… Raven felt Robin smooth his thumb over the small of her back. Except the girl who is walking away from the only good thing that has ever happened to her… the one thing my prophecy never predicted, the one thing it couldn't lie to me about.
I wanted to run away from so many things in my life… but one of the few things I want to hold onto I have to leave behind…
If Raven had HOPE, she would have reminded herself that saving her child's future wasn't definitely a life long commitment. Someway, somehow she would stop the plot against the universe. And somehow, someway she'd get back the thing that made her believe that good things came to people who did good and not just to good people.
But SoRroW reminded her that she didn't have HOPE.
Robin whispered in his sleep. She couldn't make out the words, but his breath was warm against her forehead. Robin's breath used to be her inspiration. He had everything she needed to face all the worries of the day… he could show her how pretty the world was just by being in it. Robin had once said that he had enough hope for the both of them… unfortunately it was a supply that couldn't be shared.
And SoRroW reminded her that she didn't have HOPE.
…
"Are you sure this is how you want to do this?" Beast King asked.
The sun had just beaten the horizon, the gold and reds were spilling over the landscape. The T-car and Celine's jeep were loaded for bear. Cyborg, Jinx, Bumble Bee, Tempest and Blackfire rode in a pack, while Celine drove Raven, D'ucel Beast King and Starfire in a pack that wasn't nearly as quiet.
Most of the travel through the desert was quiet, it was only when they reached the way and the group removed Raven's pack and when Beast King's hand accidentally slipped over Raven's when he took her bag that he had to say something.
"I've only been sure of one thing my whole life and I'm leaving it behind." Raven whispered.
"He should be here Raven. He'll never forgive us for not---" Beast King interjected.
"It hurts my heart more than you could possible understand. If I saw his face before I entered the portal… I wouldn't be able to leave."
"Then don't leave!"
"Beast King, I have to and that's why it has to be this way."
Beast King nodded. But I don't have to like it.
Their travel into the cave was rather short lived. Jinx stopped in front of a non-descript wall and the rest of the team stopped as well. They stood and watched every inch of what was before them. The cave looked like a million other caves. The walls were glittering with the tiny streams of water that ran off the mineral deposits: the walls were orange and pink and blue and purple, all shades were pastel. It looked like paintings they had seen in art galleries, on postcards, in action adventure movies. It was beautiful, if not common, and each of them wondered how a cave so common place could hold the end of a chapter in their life and begin another one as well.
Jinx turned her head to Raven and without looking back the two half-demonesses took a step forward. The fingers on their left hands rose smoothly, taking their arms to be parallel with the floor: Raven's eyes began to glow white, Jinx's pink.
"Azarath Metrion Zinthos." "Endari Ende Mortix."
The team stood and watched as the wall before them split open. The energy inside was purple; it waved out like the northern lights. It could have been beautiful it was obviously tragic. Cyborg helped Jinx slip her pack onto her back, his hand lingered on her slender shoulder for a moment longer than just-a-friend's would have. Jinx looked back on his hand, but she didn't touch it, didn't acknowledge it with anything more than a glance. She turned her head to Raven.
Beast King held out something to Raven and she took it silently.
"It's from all of us for the baby. Tell her it's from her uncle Beast King, Aunt Starfire… Celine, Cy, Speedy, Fox, Bumble Bee, Tempest, Blackfire and Sakura… we want her to know that we're her family."
"I'll make sure she knows every single day." Raven replied.
She hugged Beast King. He had to bend down so her face fell over his shoulder. Her gaze saw them all. Flashes of memories of them all came to her: the first time she met Tempest, the time she and Starfire switched bodies, helping Cyborg with the T-car, watching the sunsets with Blackfire, staying up late nights with Celine and the very first time she hugged Beast King.
It was with her head in Beast King's shoulder that all the memories of Robin came back to her as Robin approached on his R-cycle.
Jinx was just about to tell Raven that they should go when she too heard the rev and roar of the R-cycle. Raven pulled back from Beast King as they all turned to watch Robin's approach. The engine cooled with his body still straddling it. The Titans' leader pulled off his helmet and looked out on the expanse of his fractured team. There was a player between them that didn't belong: one that did belong was going away.
He walked to her and the others cleared a way so that the only thing between them was atmosphere. He stopped inches away from her and by reflex Raven raised a hand to touch him.
"Were you just going to leave without saying goodbye?" Robin asked.
Raven nodded. "I didn't want to hurt you anymore."
"I'd take all the hurts in the universe to have as much time with you as I could. I know this hurts Raven, you don't have to put on a strong face for me."
"I do… otherwise I'll fall apart. I wish things could have been different." Raven whispered.
"This isn't forever." Robin replied.
"I know and that's all I have to keep me going… When I know my daughter is safe, Robin, I'll find my way back to you."
"Can you communicate with me at all when you're in Azarath?"
Raven seemed to think for a moment. "In my room is a purple book with all blank pages. Write on them with the pen that is enclosed… burn your letters in green flames and they will get back to me."
Robin nodded. He took her hand and looked into her eyes. Raven couldn't see the mask anymore. All she could see were the magnificent brown orbs he had revealed to her the night before. She knew she'd never be able to see him the same way she had. All her memories of Robin, all the ones that would keep her warm as the small life inside her came into her own, every single one of them would show Robin with his face revealed to her. And on some level Raven believed that he knew it.
"I have to go." Raven whispered.
"I know."
He revealed something to her, it was medium sized and wrapped tightly in bright cloth. Raven wondered where he had hidden it, but realized it didn't matter.
"It's for the baby. It will be too big for a long time… but I still want her to have it."
"Can you put it in my bag?"
Robin turned to Starfire and took her bag from her. He knelt down smoothly and opened the sack preparing to slip the gift inside. When the bag was opened to the light, he saw something that made his heart hurt just a bit. She had packed it, the singed bunny that he had given her four years ago when he realized what he felt about her. She had tucked it away safely; she wasn't going to leave without.
And Raven wanted him to know it.
Robin resealed the bag and slipped it onto her shoulder. He hugged her gently, letting his fingers trace her hairline, her cheeks, her chin and also down her neck. The purple eyed mystic felt his fingers linger on her shoulder. They seemed to tremble even in their stillness. Her arms wound around her belly and she felt him sigh.
"What will you name her?" Robin asked.
Raven shook her head. "The Azar names her"
"But…"
"Everyone of Azarath has a name in the Azarathian language and a common name… the mother can choose the common name"
"Have you chosen a common name?" Robin asked.
Raven seemed to hesitate. But eventually she shook her head in the negative.
That was when Blackfire fled, unable to bear the tragedy any longer. Tempest didn't call after her, just followed. Starfire caught D'ucel when he stumbled and, with Bumble Bee, escorted him to a safe distance. Celine touched Beast King and Cyborg's shoulder and with only one look back they left Robin, Raven and Jinx alone.
"How about Akane?"⁶
"What does it mean?"
"Why does it have to mean anything? It sounds pretty… anything else is a burden."⁷ Robin replied.
Raven put a hand on her stomach and nodded.
"Raven… what's your true name?"
Raven's whisper was caught gently on the wind. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard. He tried it on his tongue but it wasn't nearly as wonderful.
"Only those with a tongue of Azarath can pronounce Azarath namings"
"We'll see." Robin replied. "I've known love to conquer everything even the language barrier."
A tear fell down Raven's face and gently Robin wiped it away. His hand stayed on her face, his thumb gently stroking her smooth cheek.
"We need to go." Jinx said, realizing the pair would gaze into each others eyes until the baby was born if she let them.
They both turned their eyes to regard Jinx and while Robin frowned, Raven pulled away. He would watch them. The two half-demonesses walked slowly, side by side into the cave mouth. They didn't look back. Their bodies would become shadows to his memory. He engraved Raven's silhouette in his mind and he swore he replayed her disappearing into the purple light in a continuing loop for the hour he stood there, in the place where he had last touched Raven.
When the hour passed and when Robin finally convinced himself that the door wasn't going to open again: that Raven wasn't going to run back and realize she had made a terrible mistake thinking she could leave his arms and have the heart to survive everyday…
That was when Robin walked away.
…
The team had waited for Robin's exit the entire hour. Tempest held a sobbing Blackfire, Cyborg sat next to Bumble Bee with his back against the T-car, Celine and Beast King were standing with their toes a few inches from Cyborg's feet. Star laid Foxfire in the back seat of Celine's jeep and waited at the back of the cab to calm her own emotional avalanche.
Robin came out and none of them who were sitting stood up, but they all looked to their leader. He didn't have anything to say. They all had a lot to think about.
Beast King kicked up a little sand as his boot gently tapped Celine's. The brown eyed girl looked up to meet his green ones.
"I suppose after this final report, the AGU will want you to return to HQ."
Celine shook her head in the negative. "I'm not going to be a member of the AGU for much longer … I'm going to be just a Titan."
"There's no just about it. There's still a lot of things that need to be settled and it will take a lot of our hearts and minds to get something done." Robin said, walking to erase the distance between himself and the center of his team. "We all have a lot of work to do… personal and otherwise."
Cyborg nodded. "Like taking care of the Brotherhood of Evil."
"The Doom Patrol could use as much help as it could get… I'm going to Africa to do what I can." Beast King decided.
Robin nodded. "Do what you think is best Beast King, but don't do it alone."
Bumble Bee raised a slender eyebrow. She turned to Celine, tapping her shoe the same way Beast King had. "You know, I'm sure we can convince the AGU that the Brotherhood of Evil is just as big a threat as Brother Blood… maybe we can help out without you having to give up something you love."
Celine frowned. "I don't love the AGU."
Cyborg cocked his head, his facial expression showed his disagreement. "Yes you do. It's in your blood."
"Cy, Bumble Bee, the Doom Patrol would love your help… And Celine, it's been a while since you saw Loberos and I bet my mom would love to see you again."
Celine didn't even think about it. She simply agreed.
Starfire stepped closer to her friends, her hand raised to her lips in worry. "It would be unwise for all of us to investigate the Brotherhood of Evil. Jump City and the City of Steel require our protection."
Blackfire agreed. "Some of us must stay and assist."
"I don't plan on leaving Speedy unattended." Tempest replied.
Blackfire turned to her boyfriend. "And I do not intend to leave you."
Something like hurt strung Robin at the affectionate display of worry. Some of the others might have seen his slight recoil, but none of them voiced their notice. "Then you two and Starfire and D'ucel will stay and monitor the city."
"What about you Robin?"
They knew that Robin was an emotional wreck despite his stone face. But Robin seemed mechanical in his answer. As if the response was programmed in him. "I've got a lot of work to do… but none of it will keep me in Jump or involves tracking down the Brotherhood of Evil. I can trust you all to handle that."
Starfire's green eyes wavered in worry. "Do you think it is in our best interest to isolate ourselves?"
Blackfire could feel that her sister feared the Rackmas.⁸ She felt it as well, already their lives had shifted in two days in such a way that many friendships would have been torn apart. Her fingers squeezed those of Tempest and the black haired girl wished there was someone to erase those fears in her sister, the way Tempest could with hers. Blackfire would have to stand and be strong for her sister. Koriand'r had always been sensitive and delicate but she no longer had naivety to protect her. Komand'r would have to protect her now.
"I think we should. We all have a lot of work to do and we have a long way to go to make sure what needs to be done is done. We can't stay in Jump City to protect it as the Titans when it's obvious that name doesn't apply to us anymore."
"Then we are… disbanding?"
Cyborg stood up slowly and Celine did as well. The Titans stood in a circle with Robin in the center and all their eyes on Starfire. Between their fingers they rolled their Titans' communicators. Cyborg touched a button on his communication panel and all their communicators danced to life.
"No, Star." Cyborg finally said. "We're just growing."
The answer seemed to satisfy her, though it was lost on no one that Starfire sat in the T-car rather than flew home as she was accustomed to. The Titans returned to the tower and prepared for their new directions.
The Titans separated temporarily, but really Robin was the only one who went away. The others stayed in packs. Star, Tempest, D'ucel and Blackfire remained in the tower with Speedy. Beast King took Cyborg, Celine and Bumble Bee with him to Africa, to see his mother, to see the Doom Patrol and to see his home.
The roar of the R-cycle hammered in Robin's ears only as the rubber tires peeled on asphalt and off.
My team is growing again and I have to prepared to bring us all together when we need to: in a year I'll have to become everything they need… especially for Raven. She needed someone to protect her and I wasn't that man. I let her go because I had to, because I couldn't give her what she desperately needed: hope… I've got to become a man strong enough that Raven will never again fear to stay with me…
I've got to become a new man…
End of Part One
A/N
¹Remember in "Of Fairs and Fairy Tales" when I told you that Raven and Robin and Baby do not make three? That's what that was all about. And the line Robin said to Raven is the same one he said to her in his vision.
²That's the line I used to allude to Cyborg and Celine's breakup. Makes up wonder who broke up with who.
³This is the same quote from HIVE MIND when Raven tried to heal Sakura and Holy rejected her. And so, Sakura sleeps on.
⁴Color is a big deal for Robin: they're tied closely to a lot of his memories and he wants to be tied closely to Raven and the baby.
⁵That's figuratively speaking. She's definitely not dead.
⁶Akane: Ah-kah-neh. It's Japanese and the significance is only that Robin picked the Japanese name to try to tie apart of himself to Raven's daughter.
⁷Any idea why?
⁸Reference to How Long is Forever