The distance from his new room to the bathroom wasn't very far at all.
Six steps. He'd managed it in six steps. That wasn't very far at all. It had taken one step and then another and then another and another. That was how he'd managed to make it before. One foot in front of the other. His umbrella in one hand and Miss Suzuki's hand in the other. But Miss Suzuki wasn't here now. She had a life. She had things she had to do out in the world, like sleep, and he…well he could make it to the bathroom on his own.
He had to try.
He had to walk out of this room and to the bathroom and back again….and he had to do it without kicking everyone out of the house. This was their house, and it was in the middle of the night, and also…also he shouldn't have had to do that in the first place. He had left home to get better. He had left home to live in the world, in a place with other people like him, and just…he had to…to do this. Miss Suzuki would have been so happy with him if she knew what he was trying to do on his own.
He wanted her to be happy.
She was such a good person. She did so much for him. She had taken him from his room and brought him here…to a new room…but he could leave this room. He couldn't hurt anyone here. Miss Suzuki had clearly said that he couldn't hurt anyone here. They were all espers just like him. Espers, not cursed, because this was not a curse. What he could feel just under his skin was not a curse. Miss Suzuki said so. She had said so and he trusted her with his life. She was….she was such a good person….and she did so much for him…
So he was going to do this for her.
Well for her and for himself, too. He was done pissing in bottles, it was gross, and also he wasn't going to wake Miss Suzuki up in the middle of the night to walk him to the bathroom…and it was the middle of the night. He could tell through the sheet he'd put up over his window. It was in the middle of the night and he should have been asleep right now. That was something that Miss Suzuki said that they needed to work on, getting his sleep schedule back on track, and he…well he didn't know why that was important. He didn't know why he had to go and…it felt like marking the days. Sleeping at night and being awake during the day. If he could tell if it was dark outside or light, if he could tell that another day had passed, then it all become…like…a calendar or something. One day and then another and then another.
Instead of today.
Life had been one endless today for the past…he didn't want to think about how long. He didn't want to think about how much time passed. He didn't want to think about how he could touch the top of his doorway without even needing to stand on his toes. He doesn't like to think about the red marks on his stomach, arms, shoulders, and knees that had just…appeared one day. When he grew out of his favorite pajamas. When his old school uniform became doll clothes. When he couldn't lay down all the way on his bed. When he realized that he could see right over the top of mom's head without even looking up…in those rare times he saw her. Life hadn't been one endless today, it had only felt like it, and if it had been one endless today then he would have been Miss Suzuki's size, not this size. Life was like an online game, you couldn't pause it, and he'd tried for years….and he wasn't going to try again. He was going to make the six steps to the bathroom.
He was going to do this on his own.
He was going to take six steps to get his life back. Well it wouldn't fully come back but…but he wasn't going to wake Miss Suzuki up. He wasn't going to turn this room into the hell that the last room had been. He was going to…he put his hand on the doorknob…and he felt it bend in his hand…he was either that strong or it was the curse…no…his powers. They were powers and they were nothing without control, Miss Suzuki said so, so he really needed to just…he took a deep breathe. He couldn't hurt anyone here. Miss Suzuki had said so.
He trusted Miss Suzuki with his life.
He pushed the door open just a crack. He was careful not to break it. He felt like he was going to break it. He felt like he was going to break the doorknob, the door, the wall, the house, and himself. He could have if he wanted to…and he could have if he hadn't wanted to, but like Miss Suzuki had said 'power is nothing without control' and he…he was going to make her proud of him. She wanted him to get better, she wanted him to start doing things for himself, and that was what he was going to do. He was going to leave his room and make those six steps.
He had to.
He took the first step. The hallway was dark. That was good. Everyone was asleep. He didn't know how he knew that everyone was asleep….he just knew. He just knew that on the other side of his wall two people were asleep and that down the hall another person was asleep and…and he could sort of feel that there were other sleeping people…and some awake….and he could…he could just take a step back but….but that wasn't what Miss Suzuki wanted for him. She wanted him to be able to leave that room. She wanted him to make friends with her other friends. She wanted them to be able to go places together and do things, friend things, and he…he wanted that too. He wanted friends. He wanted a life. He wanted a life in a place where he was normal. He wanted a life in a place where everyone was like him.
He could have had that life if he could just go to the f-wording bathroom already!
He took another step. The floor felt wrong here. The carpet wasn't as soft and his feet didn't sink into it. Also he could feel little things under his feet…and mom would never have let that happen. She always vacuumed outside of his room when she knew that he needed to come out for something. She vacuumed the outside of his room so he could be quick. In and out. She knew how to make him happy and…and she was gone but…but she was happy. She was gone…no…he was the one who was gone and…and that was a good thing. Now she could be happy in her life. She would have had time to do things and she wouldn't have had to worry about him all the time…and she could make friends and travel and have pets and maybe even meet someone new and have a new son and he'd be better and….and he just….
He almost takes a step back.
He stops himself. He can feel her, there, Miss Suzuki. She's far away but…but he can feel her. He can see her colors. The pink and the blue and….and he takes another step forward. Three. He's almost there. He's almost there and…and as long as he can feel Miss Suzuki with him then he knows that he's going to be fine. He knows that she would never let anything happen to him and….and he knows that he needs to just…not let anything happen to himself. He wants to be with her. He doesn't want to have to leave her. He doesn't want to be a burden on another person like that. He wants…he wants to do this. He wants to take the last three steps and get to the bathroom on his own. He wants to do this. He can do this. Miss Suzuki said that he could do this.
He takes another step.
Miss Suzuki said that this was something that he could do. She said that pretty soon he'd be able to leave his room all on his own and he'd be able to hang out with her and her friends and they would be his friends and that they were just like him and…and that it would be everything that he had ever wanted. He wanted that. He wanted to have everything that he had ever wanted….and he wanted to have it with Miss Suzuki. She was just….she was the nicest person that he had ever met. Well she was tied with mom…but mom did everything that she had done out of obligation to him. She was his mom and the was her job, to take care of her son, no matter how much of a burden her son was…and he was such a burden and….and he doesn't want to be. He doesn't want to be a burden on Miss Suzuki…
So he takes another step.
The door is right there. He can see it even in the darkness. It's not complete darkness, though, because the door is opened and someone put a nightlight in the bathroom. Sort of like at home except his had been a Gundam one from when he'd been very small. He wasn't small anyone but the nightlight helped. He took another step into the light, but he didn't look at it since it burned, and he…he made that last step. Carpet turned to tile. He was in the bathroom now. He rested his hand against the door and felt…he pulled his hand away.
Oh. A bump label.
Miss Suzuki had explained to him, when he first came to the house, that he shouldn't move any of the labels. Those were for the blind man that lived there…Serizawa had never even met a blind person before let alone lived with one….but he wasn't going to mess with any of the labels. He wasn't going to mess with anything. He didn't want to be disliked by a new friend before they even were friends. He didn't want to be disliked by anyone. He wanted the whole house to like him, the people who were like him, and he wanted….well he really wanted to just…use the bathroom already and then get back to his room….
So that was what he did.
He washed his hands, too, because that was important. He didn't want to get sick and he didn't want to get anyone else sick too. Miss Suzuki didn't deserve that. She had done so much for him and he was not going to repay her by getting her sick. He washed his hands with soap….the soap here was different. At home it had been bar soap, the kind that looked like seashells and smelled like flowers even though it would have made more sense for the soap to look like little flowers, here it was liquid soap. It took him a minute to realize that he had a liquid soap dispenser instead of a tray with little seashells that smelled like flowers. It took him a minute to figure out why the tile felt weird under his feet. It took him another reason to realize why this bathroom smelled like...not like home. This one smelled like….perfume but….not the kind ladies wore. More like…and he knew that he should have known this word, the one for the stuff men wore that was like perfume but not…because he was a man now…but he didn't know that word. He just knew that it smelled like that and….
And also sort of like a hospital.
He knew what hospitals smelled like. He'd…he'd gone when he'd been little. When he'd…well mom had wanted him to take a bath….and he hadn't wanted to and then…and then there had been purple and…and he'd been small enough that the next thing he remembered was mom putting him in his car seat….and then he was in a place that smelled like this and…and he had been purple and….and there had been red. There had been so much red and…and it smelled like….like he didn't know and…and the room smelled like this and….and he just…
Something fell.
A whole lot of somethings fell. There had been so much on the sink. Toothpaste and toothbrushes in a cup…and some bottles that had those bump labels on them…and a tiny little plant that felt like it had been glaring at him…and also there had been a glass bottle there….and now it was on the ground and…and the room really smelled now and…and he had heard something break and…and that had been his fault! The whole thing had been his fault and…and he never should have….he never should have left his room and…and now he'd just…he'd gone and…and he'd just lost control of the curse…of his powers and now….now he'd made a mess and….
And now he had six more steps to make.
Getting back to his room was a lot easier than leaving it. He hadn't needed to count the steps. He'd just needed to make them. He'd made one step and then another and another and another until he was back in the four walls that made up his new world. He could see the colors that made him up, it was dark purple mostly but also some light purple and…and he could see it and…and now something else had fallen and…and he just needed to make it to his bed. He closed the door and went to his bed. He covered his eyes and pulled the blanket over his head and….
And he tried to make it stop.
He used to do this when he'd been small. Back when he'd fit on his bed. Back when his curtains had been open during the day. Back when he'd been able to go to school. Back when he'd lose control at school. Back when people called him all kinds of names…like creepy…and back when they'd get so mad at him when he lost control…they didn't know that it was his powers….they thought that he just broke things on his own…and then they'd scold him and…and then he'd just lose control again. They'd scold him and he'd lose control…and he covered his eyes. He closed his eyes and covered his ears and…and he could hear them….he could hear everything and…and he was small again….
Because this bed fit.
This bed was big enough for him. He could lay down in this bed without having to scrunch. He could uncurl himself…he was all curled up…but he could have uncurled himself and he would have fit and…and he was small now…he was and was not small and…and wanted…he didn't know what he wanted. He wanted to be small again, maybe, small enough that mom could have been there for him. Small enough that she could have been there to tuck him in and tell him that he was going to be ok. Small enough that he…that he had never hurt her. That he had been able to just…to stay calm and just…just…that he could have controlled the curse…his powers. He wanted…he wanted to be that small again…but he just…he wasn't small and…and he wasn't home. He wasn't small and he wasn't home and he was here now and…
And he wanted his mom.
Bu he didn't have his mom. He only had himself. He didn't have mom because mom was home and he was here and this was home now and…and he was…she was…they were both…they were both better off this way. Mom was better off and he was better off because now he couldn't be a burden to her anymore. He was…he closed his eyes. He felt…he felt someone…it felt like someone passed over him. Like someone walked over him but…but not with steps and…and he felt…he heard something else break. He felt…it felt again like someone passed over him and…and he could feel more people and…well he could feel the same people but they felt like…it felt like…he could hear…and it sounded like and…and he wanted….
He wanted to go home.
"…know what Mob said but c'mon Toshi…"
"…alone, Ryou. He can clean it up but don't hurt him…."
He could hear the people that he shared a wall with talking. He could hear them and they were awake and the other people in the house were awake and…and he had woken everyone up and….and he hadn't meant to! He hadn't meant to but it had happened and it was all his fault and…and he just…he was sorry! He wanted to say sorry! He wanted to…to just say that he was sorry and that he hadn't meant it but…but he couldn't. He couldn't even get up off of that bed. He couldn't get up and leave and…and this bed was his world. These four walls were his world. This had to be his world because…because nothing good came of leaving this world and…
And he couldn't breathe.
He couldn't breathe and he could hear people talking and he could feel them and he could just…he could see himself, the purple of his….his curse and…and his powers….they were powers and…and he could feel….he could see and he could feel and he could just…he just…he needed….he didn't know. He couldn't think. He heard something else break and he…he knew that it was him. It was always him. This was him and he was him and….and he felt like he was…he didn't…he couldn't think. He could only feel. The beating of his heart, the way his lungs cried out for air even though he was breathing deeper than he ever had before, the way he was soaked through with sweat, all of it. He couldn't think, he could just feel and he felt like he wanted-
He wanted….he wanted….
"It's ok, Serizawa, I'm here now." That was what he had wanted. Someone to be there for him, to tell him that it was going to be ok, and he had wanted this so badly…and now he had it. Her. He wanted someone to come and be there for him and there she was. He could see her colors, pink and blue, and he could feel the dip in the bed when she sat beside him. She pulled the blanket down and put her hand on his head.
And he felt better.
It was like…he felt like the time he had tried to make warm milk on the stove when he'd been small and it had boiled over. He had been so scared but then mom had come and she took it off the fire and then it had stopped and….and that was what he felt like now. With her hand on his forehead, with her fingers in his hair, he felt like…like the purple…the curse…his powers…he felt like he had been pulled off of the fire. He could feel of it just….going from him and…
And it was…nice.
"Shh…you're going to be ok, Serizawa, you're going to be ok. You just got scared and made a mess, that's all, it happens to everyone. I can clean everything and then we can…um…we can have a sleepover? Doesn't that sound nice? I'll sleep right here next to you and if you have to get up again I'll walk you and if you need someone then I'll be here for you. Alight?" asked Miss Suzuki. This was…she was so nice. He opened his eyes. She was there. She was in her pajamas…one of those sleep dress things mom had worn but hers had a snowman on it…and he had woken her up but she…she wasn't mad. She wasn't anything but nice. She had never been anything but nice to him….
And he didn't deserve it.
He knew deep down that he didn't deserve it…and that just made her all the nicer. She was like him but…but she was nothing like him. She could do the same things that he could, everyone in this house could. There were so many people in the world that could do what he could do but they weren't like him and…and he just…he should have been better. He wished that he had been better. He wished that he had been a better person and…and he wished that he was anyone other than himself. That he could have been better…that he could have been anyone other than himself and…..and he was himself and…and she didn't have to be this nice to him but…but she was….
Miss Suzuki was always so nice to him.
"That…that sounds nice….Miss Suzuki. Thank you." Sais Serizawa. She was always so nice to him…and she didn't have to be. She was such a good person. She had saved him from the hell that had been his life and she…she was still saving him. She saved him from himself and he…he was so happy to have her in his life. She was so wonderful and…she was so nice and….and he had tried to do too much without her. He needed her. He needed her and….and she would always be there for him…in the middle of the night even and…and he should have been better but…but he could only be himself….whatever this person….whatever he was and….
"You don't have to thank me, we're friends, and this is what friends do…but you're welcome." Said Miss Suzuki. She was rubbing his head like mom had. She was telling him everything was going to be ok like mom had…mom had said that even though she'd had no idea that everything would be ok and now way to assure that but Miss Suzuki….she would make everything ok. She was there for him and…and he trusted her and….and she was just so wonderful and…
She was there. She was there and…he was there too…there was very little distance between them.