Shimazaki Ryou did not like sad people.
Especially not on his birthday. Sad people were boring and he didn't do boring. Boring made you stop and when you stopped then it was like you could feel time passing. Like every single second that passed was like…an hour…or something. Or a day. Time felt weird, that was the point. Time felt weird and also when someone was sad it was like…you had to fix it…and fixing sad people wasn't easy. It depended on the person. If Toshi were sad then he would have held them and kissed them and brought them something to drink and done whatever else they needed him to do to make them better. Because he knew them and he loved them and stuff.
He loved Sho too.
But Sho was a thousand times harder to deal with. He was a moody kid. He was moodier than Shimazaki had ever known himself or anyone else to be. Well aside from Toshi. Toshi could be very moody sometimes…all the times lately…but he could deal with Toshi's moodiness. Sho's moodiness was…a whole other thing. A whole thing that he had no idea what he was supposed to do with. So he didn't do anything with it. He just let it run its course. Sho would get over him, eventually and then things would go back to normal between them.
That would happen eventually.
Today was not that day, today was not a part of that eventually, and that was fine. Today was his birthday, anyway, and he didn't want to deal with anything today. He just wanted to have fun, which included getting into all of what Mob had gotten him, and he couldn't have fun when Sho was being all moody and shit like he was now. If he had to choose one person to have with him at his birthday…well Toshi…but his second choice would have been Sho. He was just…fun. He was a fun kid but not when he was being like this.
But that was alright. Shimazaki could fix this…as best as he could.
"So…we're hiding on the roof today. I can do that." Said Shimazaki as he teleported up on the roof beside Sho. Sho had managed to make his way up here…well not managed because the kid could fly…but still. This was one hell of a place to end up. He could feel the sun on his skin and the wind in his hair. It was turning cold now. He hoped they moved on before the snow started falling. Toshi hated snow…and the cold…and also him right now, maybe.
He had no idea.
He had no idea how Toshi felt about him right now but he could worry about that later. He had to worry about Sho now. He had to worry about how Sho was sitting up there on the roof of his house with his knees drawn up to his chest and what sounded like little sobs…poor kid. He needed to fix this…or at least make it better…and this was a lot. This was a lot on his birthday of all days but…well he could do that.
Sho was worth it….even if he could be kind of a lot sometimes…but that was ok because Shimazaki knew that he was a lot too.
"I'm not hiding….I just needed…air." Said Sho. He knew that he had said something really stupid. He knew that if he'd had time he could have said something better. He knew that he should have told Shimazaki to get the hell away from him so he would have time to think something up…or something. He didn't know. He just knew that he wanted to be alone.
He hated the way he felt right now.
He hated the way that his stomach felt like there was a goldfish in it. He hated how the goldfish was trying to swing through his stomach walls and out of his bellybutton. He hated the way his heart was beating way too hard, too fast, and he didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. He didn't know if he was going to die or live or…or if he was making too big of a deal out of this. He knew that this way…the way he felt…he should not have felt this way…any of the ways he felt. He had been trying to fall out of love with Shimazaki….
And it hadn't worked. If anything it had gotten worse.
"Well there's plenty of air up here. When you get sick of it then come downstairs. There's pancakes and I know that you love pancakes." Said Shimazaki. There was also a lot of coke…which Sho could not have. For the good of humanity. Kid was wired enough as it was…and maybe nothing in the psychedelic family for him either considered the terrible headspace he was always in…and also maybe don't get him stoned since Toshi was already in a bad enough mood…
He'd figure out something.
Something better than sitting up here on this roof feeling the breeze. The cold breeze. Well colder than normal. Not truly cold, not yet, but colder than in the summertime. He really should have gone inside. Toshi was…well he was always worried about Toshi…but he had this kid to worry about. He had to worry about Sho and how he felt and…well this was a lot of worrying about people. A lot more worrying than he had ever planned on doing in his life.
He'd deal with this, too, eventually.
"I'm fine. You go on ahead." Said Sho with a wave of his hand. He knew that Shimazaki could hear him and sense him. He knew that Shimazaki knew that he wanted to be alone…and he knew that Shimazaki probably could tell, too, that he didn't want to be alone. That he loved it when he was near. That he always wanted to be near him no matter what. That he…well he knew that Shimazaki must have been able to tell a lot. Sho…he didn't know why he had gotten so upset. He knew that big sis didn't like Shimazaki like that…
But she had gotten him a really cool present.
Sho didn't fully know what all of that was but he knew that it was stuff that Shimazaki liked. He knew that it was stuff that he liked and that big sis knew about…and he didn't. He was Shimazaki's best friend. Shimazaki had told him a million times before that they were best friends…but best friends were supposed to know everything about each other. Best friends, also, should have gone on adventures together. He knew that big sis and Shimazaki had gone on an adventure last year and…and he knew that he had been too busy with…stuff…but he just…he didn't know what had happened and now….well now he didn't really know but…but he knew that big sis and Shimazaki went on adventures and…and it just…
Made him want to cry…and break things…and run away…all at the same time.
"What? Come on, kid, I know you. You love pancakes." Said Shimazaki. He knew that this wasn't about pancakes. He knew that this was about feelings that they would both rather the kid not have at all. He knew that the kid was going through a lot. He knew that it would only get worse…but he also knew that it would get better. Maybe if he didn't say anything…or said something…or just…something. He didn't know. Toshi wanted him to reach into the kid's chest and rip his heart out. He didn't want to do that. Then Sho could be all sad and boring.
Like now only a thousand times worse.
Shimazaki knew what heartbreak felt like. He was thirty one and unless you lived like the new guy you were going to know what heartbreak felt like. Sometimes people left you, sometimes they died, and sometimes you never had them in the first place. No matter what happened it hurt. He didn't want to put Sho through that. He'd get all sad and boring…and also Shimazaki would have been the one responsible for making him feel like that…and he didn't want to be responsible for that.
He didn't like responsibility at all.
"I…don't feel like it…alright!" said Sho. He knew that his aura must have been loud there. It had been bright and he knew that if his aura was bright it was loud…and he knew that he had been sort of a jerk there…but he wanted to be alone. That was why he had climbed all the way up here. Well he knew that Shimazaki could have followed him, he could teleport, he was mostly hiding from big sis…not that he didn't love her and stuff like that, he did, he just…couldn't believe that she had said that. She had practically told everyone that he was in love with Shimazaki.
Not that he would ever betray him like that.
He knew her and he knew that she wasn't a betrayer…well he knew Fukuda too and Fukuda had betrayed him…but Fukuda had been trying to keep him safe. Also Fukuda would never have told a secret like this. This was his biggest secret and if Fukuda knew better than to go and tell people, and he was a big secret teller, then of course big sis knew to keep her mouth shut. She hadn't meant anything by it and that was why he had gone away from her. He had gone far away from her and…and this was for the best. That was…it had been…if he had stayed then he could have ended up saying something mean to her and she….she was his sister and he loved her….
And he knew that she hadn't almost betrayed him on purpose.
"Why not?" asked Shimazaki with a sigh. Yup. This was going to be one of those moody Sho days. He wondered if he'd had days like this when he'd been a kid. Well he had been pretty moody…but he'd fixed that as soon as he'd discovered the joys of better living through chemistry. He knew that maybe all of that didn't agree with Sho. Somehow even when he smoked he got even more…well…moody. God, he couldn't wait until Sho got over him. There was a million other guys out there and, yes, Shimazaki knew that he had it going on…but so did a lot of other people and Sho needed to get into one of them…not that Shimazaki was going to pick him up and shake him and tell him to get over all of this already.
Because that would have just been stupid.
He liked Sho. Not in the way that Sho liked him, of course, because that would have been wrong even by his standards, but he did like him. This was his favorite person in the whole world next to Toshi and the second person he wanted to spend his birthday with. Toshi birthday times would come later. Right now it was Sho birthday times and he was going to have a good birthday even if it killed the both of them! Actually that would be kind of convenient for the tombstone writers. Here lies Shimazaki Ryou. Born October twenty-fifth and died October twenty-fifth.
"Because…of…reasons." Said Sho as he played with his shoelace. He could feel Shimazaki looking at him. He could feel Shimazaki and he knew that he was being looked at and he just…he wanted to jump off of that roof. He wanted to jump off of that roof and run away and then defect and then nobody would ever see him again…but he didn't do that because it was stupid. It would have been a stupid thing to do, running away, and trying to defect. Nobody defected from Claw, first of all, and second of all it would have made big sis made if he had ran away…and third of all Shimazaki was his best friend and he wasn't going to ruin his best friend's birthday.
"Such as?" asked Shimazaki raising his eyebrow. He made sure that he was facing Sho. He was being ridiculous. Did Sho really not realize that Shimazaki knew how he felt? Did he really think that it was some big secret? Shimazaki knew. He knew. The whole house knew. It didn't matter. He knew that no matter how Sho felt about him it wouldn't change the outcome.
"Reasons!" said Sho. He reached over and slapped Shimazaki on the chest. Well he tried to, anyway, he just ended up hitting Shimazaki's barrier. Shimazaki laughed, too, and that was worse than hitting his barrier. Hitting his barrier was better than hitting him…even though he had wanted to hit him…bit hitting him was just…it wasn't like hitting other people and…and Sho crossed his arms before he could do it again and then get even weirder than he was now. He didn't know why he had to be so weird all the time…he wished that there was some way to stop it but…but there was no way to make it stop.
He had tried, before, to fall out of love…and it hadn't worked…so maybe he should have tried harder…or maybe not tried so hard.
He was still figuring it out. All of it. He didn't know why he felt like this still. He knew that Shimazaki was the coolest guy in the world, and that he was fun, and that he was nicer to Sho than any other person had ever been in his entire life but…but he didn't know why he had to feel like this about him. He didn't know why he couldn't just make himself stop. Shimazaki was a friend, his best friend, and that was it. He wished that Shimazaki had hated his guts. Maybe then he could have fallen out of love with him….
But he also didn't want Shimazaki to hate his guts…it was so….he just….this whole thing sucked really bad!
"Reasonable reasons?" asked Shimazaki with a laugh. He could feel the kid getting more and more pissed off…but it was a good change of pace from the kid sitting up there on the roof brooding. He didn't know how someone as small and as fun as he was could have brooded just so much. How he could have been so boring sometimes. Moody. God, this was not a good start to his birthday but, hey, there was time…and the kid was getting better at least.
Simmering rage totally counted as getting better!
"Yes! Reasonable reasons!" said Sho as he jumped to his feet. The roof was slanted here. The roof was slanted and he felt himself slipping a little….and then Shimazaki caught him. Shimazaki caught him around his stomach and…and now the goldfish in his stomach felt like it was cooking. Like his stomach had turned into hot pot. Like he had drank an entire hot pot, the good kind with the spicy broth, and now inside of him there was a cooking and boiling goldfish. Shimazaki didn't hang onto him for too long, just long enough to get him sitting down again, but it was still just…the stupid spicy broth in his stomach was still boiling…and what was worse the stupid goldfish in his stomach….
Liked it!
The stupid goldfish had liked it. The stupid goldfish in his stupid stomach wanted to be boiled. The stupid goldfish in his stomach wanted to be boiled alive in hotpot…or maybe Sho just…maybe he just wanted to go to hotpot. Maybe that was it. Maybe the stupid feeling in his stomach was just him wanting to fill his stomach with hotpot…and also goldfish…because he was just that much of a weirdo….
Or something.
"The most reasonable of reasons?" asked Shimazaki letting the kid go. Well that was…a lot of things that he was not going to get into. The kid could feel however he felt like feeling. He could feel whatever he wanted and Shimazaki was not going to get into all of this with him. Right now he had to figure out how to get the kid to knock off this broody and moody act.
"Yes, the most reasonable reasons!" said Sho. He almost got up, he debated getting up. If he got up then Shimazaki would have caught him again but if he didn't get up then the weird hotpot feeling in his stomach would go away. He decided not to get up…well the choice was made for him. Shimazaki reached over, pulled him close, and flicked him over the head.
"And those are?" asked Shimazaki as he knocked some sense into Sho. As lightly as possible of course. He didn't need to go and send Sho to that healer. Shimazaki did not want to deal with that guy on his birthday. He would much rather have felt with Sho at his moodiest and mot lovesick than have to spend any length of time with that asshole.
"I…..I don't know why you need to know! Why are you being so nosy?!" said Sho. Sho didn't have time to think up a whole list of reasonable reasons. He didn't have time to think up reasonable or even non reasonable reasons. The only reasons he could think up were the kind that weren't very reasonable at all. What was he supposed to do? Tell Shimazaki that he felt like he had a hotpot goldfish in his stomach and he didn't know what it was but he knew that it was some weird thing that he should not have been feeling in the first place.
"Because it's my birthday and I can't stand sad people on any day let alone my birthday…and also I'm worried as hell about you." Said Shimazaki. He flicked Sho on the head again for good measure. He was worried about the kid so he said it. It felt weird to say it…or maybe it felt weird feeling this. Caring about someone else. First Toshi and now Sho…in different ways of course…even though Sho wanted it to be in the same way.
"Well don't be. I don't need you or anyone else to be worried about me…so knock it off." Said Sho. He kicked Shimazaki just a little bit. Just enough so that Shimazaki knew that he was pissed off but not so much that Shimazaki got pissed off at him. He didn't know what he would do if Shimazaki was pissed off at him…well be alone…and he had wanted that…but now also he didn't want that and…and this whole thing was way too complicated!
"Nope, I can't do that. You're my favorite person, you know, and I can't just leave you up here to brood just because you got a little jealous." Said Shimazaki. Maybe he should just get to what all of this was about. He was getting tired of the constant cycle of the kid getting upset and then him reassuring him and then things getting back to whatever passed for normal before the cycle started again. Maybe he should just tell the kid that he knew how he felt…and maybe it would be like ripping out stitches…or something.
Painful and unpleasant but something that had to be done.
"I…what…I mean I'm not…I'm not jealous!" said Sho. He closed his eyes and shook his head. Shimazaki….how could he….did he….did he KNOW?! Did…had he figured it out! No…no! There was no way in hell that Shimazaki figured it out! He had always been so careful….well he had told Shimazaki that he loved him….but that was…Shimazaki thought that it was friend love! Not kiss me and hold my hand and be my boyfriend and let me stare at your tattoos all day love! Shimazaki….he couldn't know but….but now he was acting like he knew and…and this was just…
Sho wondered if he would survive jumping off of this roof.
"You are, I know that you are, and that's ok. There's nothing wrong with the way you feel and I've told you a thousand times before that you're my best friend. Ok? Nobody in the world with take your spot as my best friend…so stop worrying and shit. Ok? Your sister got me a great present, and I know that's what set you off, but you know what? Your present is permanently etched into my skin, alright? So how about you and me go downstairs, eat some pancakes, and then find some fun?" asked Shimazaki. There. He had said what needed to be said and now they could go out and find something fun to do. That was all. That was all that had to be said and now he had said it. There. Now it was all done with.
And now he could tell Toshi that he'd handled it.
"What…what kind of fun?" asked Sho. He didn't know what to do. If he jumped off the roof then he would have just ended up hurting himself….and then also he would feel the hotpot goldfish feeling again if Shimazaki caught him…and he would catch him. He was…he didn't know what he felt and…and he didn't know what Shimazaki thought but…but he thought that it had to do with friend jealousy, not love jealousy, so maybe the best thing to do was never to talk about this again.
"Want to walk down the street and take turns hitting people with my blind guy stick? And then we can pet some animals at the pet store until they tell us to stop? Even though they shouldn't because it is a pet store, pet is in the name after all." said Shimazaki. He wanted to do enough coke to break his brain and he wanted to make some mushroom tea, maybe at the same time so they could fight it out, and he wanted to get into bed with Toshi and then they would do the stuff that Toshi did on his birthday…and when they were in the mood for it….and also just for no reason sometimes…but he also wanted to spend time with Sho. Sho was a kid and he was fun and also Toshi wanted some space from him so…yeah.
Time to go and pet some animals and then hit people with his cane when they tried to tell him to knock it off.
"I know, right? Why do they call it a pet store if they don't want us petting the animals?" asked Sho. He laughed when he said that even though he didn't fully feel like laughing. He felt like…like he wanted to be alone but also like he wanted to be with Shimazaki…and also like he was getting kind of hungry. But he didn't want to go back to the table though, no, he didn't want to sit there with big sis and all the others. Big sis would ask him what was wrong and then Shibata would pick him up and rock him like a baby and Minegishi would just be a bitch bastard like usual…and he didn't want to have to deal with all of that. He didn't want to have to deal with those feelings and…and also he was Shimazaki's favorite person and….and he didn't want to think about all of that either so…so he was going to think about petting animals instead.
"I don't fucking know but I do know that it's my birthday so come on. Let's have pancakes and find fun. We can't eat all of the pancakes so maybe we can cover them in syrup and then stick them to people." Said Shimazaki. The idea came to him as he spoke. Sticking pancakes to people and then letting the birds peck them to death. Yeah…that would be fun. The kind of fun that he couldn't have with Toshi since Toshi apparently thought that he was a man child.
Man child.
He knew the meaning of it. It was in the word. A man who acted like a child. He didn't mind acting like a child. He didn't mind acting like he was the ten year old and not Sho. He liked it. His life was like a child's was supposed to be. No worries, not real ones, and no consequences. He could live in this endless today…and he liked the endless today. He loved it. Toshi….Toshi didn't. Toshi wanted him to be…well they didn't want him to be anyone or anything other than he was…and that was the good thing about Toshi…also they said what they meant and meant what they said….and they had called him a man child…
And it wasn't like it bothered him or anything like that.
"Why would we do that?" asked Sho. That seemed like a waste of pancakes. He would rather have eaten them with Shimazaki even if they were ice cold by now…but only with him. Not with the others. Just him and Shimazaki sitting there all alone and just…maybe it was better if they went and stuck them to random people on the street. At least that way there would be other people around and the goldfish in his stomach could knock it off already.
"So the birds can have at them of course. Come on, it'll be fun if I do it on my own but it'll be even more fun with my best friend, my favorite friend." Said Shimazaki. He put an emphasis on the word 'friend' that Sho should not have missed. Unless he was as clueless as his dad and older sister, of course, or unless he felt like willfully blinding himself to it…which he probably would.
"Ok…sure! Yeah! Of course I will! You're my best friend…and my favorite person too." Said Sho. He just…needed Shimazaki to know that he felt the same way. That he felt warm and like his stomach was full of spicy hotpot because they were best friends and…and also because Shimazaki was his favorite person. He knew that Shimazaki said that in the friend way but…but thinking of him in any other way but the friend way….it made his stomach do flips and…and he just…
Shimazaki meant it in the friend way and that was what mattered.
"Right…well come on. First come first serve." Said Shimazaki as he teleported away. He heard Sho shouting that it was unfair as he teleported away. He didn't fully know what the kid meant. There was a hell of a lot about this that was unfair. The way he felt, Shimazaki having to deal with it, all of this was unfair…but at least they could have fun together. At least the two of them could have a day full of messing with people and just….having fun. Fair fun. The good kind of fun. That was all. The kind of fun that wouldn't make the kid's stomach do flips and his heart beat like he'd just done a pile of coke…the giant pile of coke that Shimazaki wished that he was doing right now….it wasn't fair….
But it was his birthday and he could do whatever the hell he wanted to do.