Suzuki's favorite genre was documentary.
Well documentary and then science fiction…but only in some cases…and not lately because he was a grown man. Even when he'd been Shigeko's age he hadn't…well he had but he hadn't been able to admit it. He had been too old for all of that, father had said, and that period of his life had been where his favorite genre had shifted from science fiction to documentary. He wondered when Shigeko would make that switch…not that he would ever force her to make that switch. Not that he would ever come in and change the channel on the television and tell her that she was much too old for that nonsense.
She would never be too old for the nonsense.
She would never be too old for anything, he decided, since it was in his best interests to keep her as a child for as long as possible. He was not his father. He had higher hopes for his children than to see them grow up and take the same undone jobs at the same mundane companies and climb the same mundane corporate ladder as everyone around them. No, he had greater ambitions for his children…and for himself…and he would put them both in positions where they would never have to put away their childish things…or at least Shigeko. Son….well he had a lot of childish things that he would have to put away…but Suzuki did not want to think about that now.
Now was his time with Shigeko.
He didn't want to think about Son right now. He was doing…something. Probably sleeping considering this late hour. He didn't care if Son was awake or asleep. He could regulate himself. Suzuki trusted him to regulate himself…and also Shigeko had put him to bed…but she never checked on him. Not lie how mother had checked on him when he'd been a child. At least twice a night she would open his door and stick her head in so that she could make sure that he wasn't reading under the covers. Of course he had been, at that age anyway, and he had also been perfectly able to regulate his own sleep schedule. Mother had always treated him like such a child.
But he would not make that mistake with his own children.
They were children but they were capable…well at least Shigeko was…oh regulating themselves. He didn't want to get into constant battles with Son over food and bedtimes and all of the things that parents got into battles with their children over. He did not want Shigeko to do the same either. He didn't want her to have to deal with all of that stress. She had enough of it in her life, it seemed, or at least she had told him so.
Hence why she was smoking in the bed.
"Shigeko….are you any less stressed?" asked Suzuki as he turned away from her. She was doing it again. She was smoking there, right there, in his room. In his bed. She was sitting cross legged beside him watching a documentary she had found about shut ins, apparently it was a major social problem these days, and she was smoking…well he didn't want to think about what she was smoking. She could do whatever she wanted, she had already been doing this for some time it seemed, and he wasn't going to stop her…even though he really wished that he could.
"I'm getting there, dad, don't worry." Said Shigeko as she coughed….and he wasn't sure if she should have been coughing so hard…and maybe he could cite the fact that it sounded like she was close to breaking a rib as reason for her to just…stop with that already. He had never…well in university after he had reached the age of majority and his parents had been long dead…but he hadn't even enjoyed it…and even if he had started that at her age he never would have done that in his parents' bedroom while they were there with him.
And not only because he had never been allowed in their bedroom.
He would never have done that because if he had then mother would have gone on strike. She did that sometimes when he did something that upset her. She stopped cooking his meals and washing his clothes and doing the thousand and one other things that a mother did. She would just look at him and tell him that when he was done being a disappointment and get back to his end of the bargain then she would get back to hers and take care of him….and speak to him…and such. Father wasn't like mother. Father always made him work off the debts of his mistakes and disobediences.
Phantom pains were such curious things.
He felt the phantom pains of old injuries sometimes. Ones long wince healed. The pain of getting struck without armor on. A shinai was heavy. A shinai was a weapon. A Shinai wasn't a real sword, of course, because that would have been dangerous…but it was very big and very heavy and getting struck with one without armor on was painful. Father never let him wear armor when they practiced…and he always went all out when Suzuki had done something wrong…to teach him his mistakes. His punishment was always proportional to his crimes. Forgetting to put his dishes in the sink, getting in trouble at school, getting a point against him in a match, all crimes which would be punished…and which he was right to have been punished for. When someone did something wrong they had to be punished.
He wondered how many hits with a shinai he would have gotten for smoking marijuana in his parents' bedroom.
"Well can you get there a little bit faster, maybe?" asked Suzuki. He wasn't going to tell her to stop and he certainly wasn't going to hit her with a shinai…or at all. He had hit her before, both of the children, but that had been before. He had so rarely had to strike her and her brother…well she had made her opinions clear on that so he deferred to her. Even though he still didn't see what was wrong with it. He hadn't gone as far as to hit either of them with a shinai…now that was painful. He had always been careful, too, not to hit them in a way that would leave any permanent damage…but that wasn't enough for Shigeko…but that was alright. It wasn't as though he was going to go against what she had told him. She had been very clear in her orders not to punish her brother anymore and while he hated taking orders with every fiber of his being…he admitted that she knew what she was talking about and that he shouldn't question her judgement.
Even though there were times when he really wanted to.
"I'll get there when I get there, dad." Said Shigeko. He knew what she meant. She would be better when she felt better and she could not give him a timeframe for when that would happen…but he did want it to happen soon. He just…knew better than to question her. He knew better than to question her and he knew better than to alienate her and he just…he knew better but…he also knew that he was her father. He was her father, in practice if not by blood, and he had the power to order her to stop that this instant…but he did not use that power.
"Well can you at least stop ashing in the bed?" asked Suzuki. That was something that he could asked her not to do. He couldn't tell her to stop without alienating her but he could at least ask that she keep the ashes out of their bed. This was their time together and he knew that if he told her to go and smoke outside or something that there would be the danger of her not coming back…and he didn't know what he would do if she didn't come back…so he asked her to at least stop ashing in their bed already.
"It's a pipe, dad, all the ashes stay in the pipe." Said Shigeko. She showed him the blue pipe that she was using. It was glass and there was some craftsmanship to it…but he still didn't like it. He didn't like because of what it was filled with, because of what she had been doing, and because of what he could not stop her from doing. She just….did this. This was a thing that she did and he…well he couldn't stop her. Not without alienating her. Not without making her want to leave. She was eleven years old now, she was old enough to make her own choices, even if he REALLY DID NOT agree with them.
At all.
"I've seen you ash that thing in the bed, Shigeko, don't tell me that you haven't." Said Suzuki. She was looking at him now. She was looking at him and she was squinting…and he knew that she wasn't squinting because she needed eyeglasses. Her pupils were stuck. They weren't dilating and contracting with the light. That was because she had been smoking like a chimney. She was smoking like a chimney because she had a lot of stress in her life. He had no idea what could have been so very stressful in her life, or why she didn't ask him to fix it, and he had no idea what had made her pick up this habit in the first place…
But this was what it was.
"When it's cashed, that means all done Shimazaki taught me that, I throw the ashes over the side of the bed. I don't empty the bowl in the bed. That'd be gross…like…the bed is not an ashtray daddy…you're funny sometimes…bowl…so funny." Said Shigeko. She was laughing now and he loved the way she laughed, he loved her in general but he especially loved her when she laughed…even when she laughed like this. This was sort of…not like her usual laugh. Different. A little farther away, maybe…well that would be the chemicals she currently had rattling around in her system…not that he was going to tell her not to…because she needed this…and he didn't know why she needed this…well he did but…also he didn't…
Maybe because she hadn't come from him.
She hadn't come from him and her body was different than his and her brain chemistry was different from his and she just….had not come from him. She needed something more than sheer force of will to keep her powers under control…and she wasn't him…and while he lost control of his powers and his mind when he did things like that she…well she laughed a lot but…her control was perfect…near perfect…better than his had been at her age….
So maybe it was alright, then, what she was doing.
"You just said that it was a pipe, not a bowl." Said Suzuki. She laughed some more after he said that…and he didn't know what was so funny…but he assumed that it was the smoking. The smoking and…well…he had never been good with humor. He could safely say, though, that it was the chemicals in her system. She was smiling and her eyes had this faraway look and she was smiling at her and her little cheeks were so red…and so were her eyes and she was just…she was so perfect. Even now she looked so perfect.
"The whole thing is a pipe, the bowl is the part you smoke….and stuff…lots of stuff…but the stuff is smoking." Said Shigeko. She nodded to herself, at least he assumed that it was to herself, and he wasn't going to just ask her. She wasn't going to tell him if he asked anyway. It was hard to get a straight answer out of her when she was like this.
"Alright then…well whatever it is can you just be done with it already?" asked Suzuki. He liked it, loved it, when she was happy but also…also he wasn't the biggest fan of this and…and he just wanted her to be done. He wanted to slap that pipe or whatever out of her hand…but he couldn't. Not unless he wanted to alienate her, and he didn't, so he just…would let this run it's course and…well she'd had a lot already so…maybe she was done.
"You don't want me to smoke, dad?" asked Shigeko. Of fucking course he didn't. Of fucking course he wanted her to stop. Of fucking course he wanted it take that pipe and slap it out of her hands and tell her to never smoke again…and of fucking course he had the power to do that...but he wouldn't use that power…because he loved her…
He loved her and he didn't want to lose her.
It was like there was this annoying voice in his head, like the kind that you got after hearing an annoying commercial, and no matter what he did or wanted to do it reminded him that Shigeko could leave. That she could walk right out that door and he would never see her again. That the pain he had felt, before, when his wife had left…it was like there was a scar there….right there in his mind…or something. He didn't know.
Maybe he had just been breathing in too much of that smoke.
"I want…you to smoke as much as you need to and nothing more." Said Suzuki. There. That was the truth. He wanted her to do what she needed to do and then nothing more. She needed this. She needed this to control her powers and…and he so wished that she had the self-control that he had. He so wished that she would just stop and…and just…well he wished for a lot of things but he was a grown man and he didn't make wishes. He made things happen…and he could make things happen that he wanted…but he would not make this happen because this was something that she needed and…
And he needed her.
"Ok…after this I'll be done. Then we can watch what you want…even if it's just Galaxy Express again…I know how you like that…you like that so much….it's nice…that you like things…" said Shigeko. She was smiling and now she was hiding her face in his shoulder. He caught her smoking pipe with his powers and put it on the bedside table. She'd had a lot….and in his opinion she'd had too much….if she was laughing like this. He put her pipe off to the side and let her bury her face in his shoulder.
He patted her on the head.
"I like you." Said Suzuki. It felt odd saying it. Well it would never stop feeling odd but…well it felt less odd. It felt less odd but still….odd. If that made any sense. He wasn't make any sense. He had been breathing in way too much of that smoke. She was…she smelled terrible. He rested his head on hers. She smelled like she had been smoking and…and he still liked her. He loved her…and he could admit that to her. He cared for her as well and that was a much more precise word. Anyone could say 'I love you' and it could mean anything…but 'I care for you'…that made more sense. He cared for her and…and he loved her and…and he loved having her near…
Even if she smelled terrible.
She hugged him. He let her. He had never liked being embraced, being touched in general, unless he really knew the person. He had known her for the past nine years so she was one of the people who could embrace him. Even though nine years wasn't very long at all. By his standards. He was forty four. She was eleven. Nine years was the majority of her life. She was so young. She was so young but she acted like she was much older…and that was alright. It was alright because she was capable. Of course she was capable, she was his child.
She was more capable than other people in the world…including his blood child.
He loved that about her. Even if she made choices that he didn't agree with at all he still loved her. She was so…so perfect. She was so intelligent and she could take care of herself…and him. Not that he needed someone to care for him but…it was nice. Not that he needed someone. He was a full and complete person on his own. The only person one could truly rely on in this world was themselves so that was who he relied on, himself. He needed her but he did not rely on her.
He just liked having her around.
Like now. Her head was on his lap, now, and she was back to watching the television. Her smoking pipe was abandoned on the nightstand, thank God, and she was laying down and digging her feet into the blanket beside them. He rubbed her back as she watched television. She liked this. He had no idea that she was so interested in social problems. Probably because she was such a caring person. That was just how women were, they were good caretakers, and he couldn't fault her for that…even though the simplest solution to the hikikomori problem was just to drag them out of their rooms and force them to rejoin society already.
Society was terrible but you had to join it.
Either join it or change it. There had been times, so many times, when he'd wanted nothing more in life than to be able to drop out of it. To be able to wash his hands of it all and just…be away from everyone. He has walked the earth, literally, and seen so many places which were simply devoid of people. Places where he could simply….be. Places where this ever present weight that was society, the eyes and expectations of other people, was simply…gone. Gone off like he had gone off. There were places like that on Earth and if he had been a weaker man then he would have gone to those places.
But he was not a weak man.
He was Suzuki Touichirou and he did not run away. He made the occasional strategic retreat but that was not the same as running away. He had responsibilities and ambitions and he would fulfil them. He had a world to rule, after all, and he was the only one who was fit to rule it. He had been bestowed with the ultimate power, the power to give and take as he so chose, and that meant that he was the one to rule the world. Once he ruled the world then he would no longer have the irrational desire to hide from it…since it would be his world after all.
And also he wouldn't ever have to make one of his strategic retreats ever again.
She was still digging her feet into his bed. He used his powers to pull the blanket up over her. Maybe she was tired. He didn't know. All he knew was that he was her father, they were partners in this thing, and that he had to be with her. He was never going to leave her again…and he hadn't left last time but…but he also had. He had locked himself away because of the shame of it all…the shame of what he had done. To her mother and to her….and Fukuda had told him that 'unfaithful' was not the word to be using when talking about what he had done to his child but…well it fit. It felt like he had betrayed her…and in a way he had. He had betrayed their family unit…what was left of their family unit…and he was truly sorry….
Not that she would ever know what it was that he was truly sorry about.
"It's your turn now…but I kind of want to watch it again….so if you want to use your turn to hit restart then I wouldn't mind." Said Shigeko. He ran his hand across her head. Her hair was soft, so soft, and he didn't want either of them to move from this moment. This was so perfect and she was so perfect…and if he had to watch that same documentary again to preserve the perfection of this moment then he would…but only if he had to.
"I don't really want to watch it again but we can if you want to. I don't know why you would want to, though." said Suzuki. He didn't get why she would want to watch it again. It hadn't been that interesting…but maybe that was because she had different interests than he did. She was so different...but at least their interests had some overlap. Like documentaries. They both liked them. He and Masami had such different tastes in television that it had been difficult for them to find something that they both enjoyed. He just ended unsettling and watching her dramas because they made her happy. It was different with Shigeko. She at least had some overlap with him….some but not all….but that was alright. She was a different person than he was.
"Because I can't really remember what I watched." Said Shigeko after a moment. He tried to remain neutral, impassive, at that…but it was difficult. He knew how to do research, he knew how Google worked, and he knew that she was potentially doing damage to her memory…and he had noticed it. Well he might have. He knew that she needed a calculator to do even the most basic arithmetic…but he had always assumed that it had just been a part of her generation….but now he worried…and he so hated worrying about things….things and people…even the person he loved most in the world.
"That would be the smoking." Said Suzuki after an even longer moment. He had harsher words that he could have used, and orders that he could have given, but he chose not to. He chose to be…better…to her. To censor himself. He had to. This moment was so perfect…as were all moments with her…and he could not risk alienating her. He could not risk losing her. He could not risk losing his most perfect person all over again.
He didn't know if he could make it through that again…
"You think?" asked Shigeko. She turned over so now she was looking up at him. He brushed a lock of hair out of her face. She was so small and perfect there. He let his hand linger against the side of her face. Her skin was so soft…well soft and marred in places by blemishes but that was part of being her age…and he could have just held her there like that forever. He wished that he could have. He wished that he had gone beyond the point at which he made wishes. He was a grown man, he was too old to sit there and make wishes, and he knew that they wouldn't come true so….why did he still do it?
He had no idea.
"Yes. I know that the chemicals in that affect short term memory." Said Suzuki. He let go of her face. She looked up at him and she smiled…and he loved her smiles…even if she did have this far off look in her eyes. She had this far off and glazed over look and…and he didn't much like seeing that look on her…but he also just liked being able to be there with her…being able to see her smile like that. Was there anything better than seeing her smile?
If there was then he hadn't seen it.
"Oh…well then I guess that I have no choice but to watch it again. That way I can learn." Said Shigeko. She turned over back onto her side. She wasn't facing him anymore…and he wanted her to be. He wanted to turn her over so she was looking up at him and he was looking down at her…because it was such a gift to be able to be near her like, this. This was…he and Masami had laid like this before...and he had been annoyed then. Annoyed at having had to watch what she wanted. Annoyed at being taken from his work. Just….he had been so annoyed and….
And he had no idea what had been wrong with past Suzuki.
If he could have he would have gone back in time and beaten his past self to a bloody pulp for taking Masami for granted. His past self had thought that it had been over after the vows had been exchanged the house set up, and the children born. He had thought that it had been it. He had thought that once they had been married that it would have been forever…but it hadn't been. It hadn't been and now she was gone and all he had was Shigeko…and she was not Masami…
She was better.
"Learn what, Shigeko?" asked Suzuki. If she wanted to learn something then he would gladly have taught her and if it was something that he didn't know then he would gladly have learned with her. She was so intelligent…and she always wanted to learn new things...and he loved that about her. He loved her. He loved her so much and…and now he was getting emotional over nothing. Maybe the next time she smoked he should have opened a window or something. The same chemicals that were rattling around in her system were rattling around in his now and…well not in the same quantities but the effects were still the same. His thoughts were just…not good….muddled and fast and…and also he was enamored completely and totally with the softness of her hair and the back of her nightshirt…very soft cotton and…
And he was definitely opening a window next time she decided to smoke in their bedroom during their time together.
"How to help Serizawa because he has the same problem. He won't come out of his room no matter how hard I try. Well he went to the kitchen and he met Sho and Shimazaki but then he went and hid in his room under his covers for the rest of the day. Serizawa….I don't get it. He knows that I'll keep him safe and he knows that everyone wants to be his friend but he still keeps on hiding…and stuff. So I just want to…to make this whole thing better." said Shigeko. Serizawa….a common family name…Suzuki went through everyone he knew by that name. Mentally he pictured a rolodex like his father used to have on his desk. He went through each and every name and…he didn't come up with anyone Shigeko would have also been acquainted with….and also he missed the fun of turning a rolodex back and forth and…
He opened a window with his powers.
"Who are you referring to?" asked Suzuki. Shigeko turned over so she was facing him again. She looked up at him and frowned…and he knew what that meant. He had displeased her…and he had no idea how he had displeased her. Women…he would never understand them. They were so complicated…but then again women thought that men were just as complicated. It was a wonder that the human race had gone on for as long as it had.
"The new guy. You remember, I went to Baked Goods City and got him?" asked Shigeko. She was still frowning but there was a smile there too, in her aura, and she was just so…perfect…there. She was so perfect and her little face as so perfect and her hair as so soft…even when she was talking about someone else. Not that he minded her talking about someone else. She had friends. She had five of them now and that was four more…well three more now that he had Hatori…than he'd ever had in his life. She was socially successful and he was happy about her and not at all upset that she was laying there on his lap talking about another man.
"Ah yes, him." said Suzuki. Shigeko had made a new friend. That was fine. He could see his aura, there, at the corners of his vision. Purple and permanently anxious…worse than Hatori's. Shigeko was trying to help him….if he had been her then he would have kept Serizawa near him at all times. The man was a powerhouse, he could tell just by looking, and it was in Claw's best interests to have someone like that near. After the man was practically perfect. From what she had said he couldn't survive on his own. If he had been the one to find Serizawa and not Shigeko he would have kept the other man near him at all times to cultivate a dependence that was impossible to get from anyone else, not even his own children. That was what he would have done if he had been in her shoes.
But he wasn't in her shoes.
She was her own person and she had her own ways of doing things. She wanted to help him, to get him out of that room, and he didn't know why…but she was a very confusing person sometimes. She had her reasons and if he had been her…well he knew what he would have done…but she had her own priorities in life. She wasn't as much of a builder as he was, not much of a planner, she cared about enjoying her time on Earth now be it through boding activities with her friends, making new ones, or planning elaborate an expensive parties for her friends…for one friend who did not deserve it….
And at least she wasn't expending this much of her energy on Shimazaki Ryou.
He thanked God that there was a new man in her life. Not that she should have had any man in her life, she had him and that should have been enough, but the more time she spent with this new person the less time she would spend with Shimazaki….and he knew what she had said before. He knew that she had said that she had never been taken with him but he knew that wasn't true. Shimazaki was an annoying man, the kind of person that made you want to put a gun in your mouth if you had to be near him for long periods of time, but he was also very powerful and very fit and he knew that women liked that, well he would have if he had been a woman, and he knew that Shigeko was a woman…and she knew that she could have done so much better than Shimazaki….why Hatori had to be a homosexual he'd never know….and he knew that Shigeko was getting to that age and…and he knew that there was nothing that he could do about it….
He decided to stop thinking about all of this for the sake of his own sanity.
"Now who's the one who can't remember stuff?" asked Shigeko with a smile. She was smiling at him and…she had all of her adult teeth…that he could see…and that was…well she was getting older now. He was aware of how old she was…he would have to do something for her birthday…and he knew that he could not stop her from getting any older….so he decided to just accept it and not think about how at one point she'd had massive gaps in her smile…and now she didn't…and she was so big now…too big to fit fully into his lap…
"Alright, I'll admit that the name of your newest companion did slip my mind…but you've still been smoking all night." Said Suzuki. He wanted to tell her to just stop already but he knew that he couldn't. She was old enough to make her own choices. She was old enough to have lost all of her baby teeth and she was old enough to travel to distant cities on her own and find her own assets…and she was old enough to smoke too even though it was bad for her. She was old enough to make her own choices in life just like he had been back when he'd been her age. As much as he would have liked it if she had stayed a child forever, as much as he wanted to wish for it, he didn't. He knew that she had to grow up…and he knew that there was nothing he could do about it but accept it.
"Yeah….I guess that I'm a baked good…" said Daughter. She laughed a bit there and he didn't really understand why. He didn't always get humor and her humor was the most difficult to get. Or maybe it was only humorous to her. He didn't know. All he knew was that he loved her smiles and her laughs…and no matter how much she grew up he would still love her smiles and laughs. Even when she became a fully grown woman he would still love her smile and laughs and he would look forward to them more than anything else in the world.
"You're a little girl." Said Suzuki. There. That was what she was and…and now she was laughing some more. Part of him wished that he could have felt that level of joy without having to worry about leveling the city. Another part of him wished that her joy had come from something else…something that they could both share in…and another part of him wanted to share in her joy. Just to feel what she felt. Just to be there in that happy place with her…but he didn't. He knew that it would have been a terrible idea for him to indulge in the same thing that she indulged in. She liked him when he did that….but he did not like himself…
So he took those terrible ideas and shoved them back into the dark recesses of his mind.
"Daddy, I'm eleven and a half. I'm not little. In half a year I'm going to be twelve." Said Shigeko. She was still smiling at him. He patted her on the head. He was reminded, then, of when she had been three. It had been Son's birthday, he had turned three as well, and Shigeko had gone around the table stating everyone's ages over and over again. Thirty six, thirty four, three, and three. It had been annoying at the time but now…now he realized what a gift it had been to know her at that age…to have been able to know her at any age.
"So you will be." Said Suzuki. Ten years. It would be ten year in May that he had known her. The time…it had flown…as the old cliché went. She was going to be twelve and…and he had no idea what twelve would bring. He'd had no idea, before, what eleven would bring. Every year she would get older and older….and every year it took him longer and longer to accept that. To accept that one day she would be a grown woman…and he wanted that but also…also he wanted this. He wanted her to be small and loving and perfect.
"Yes, I'll be twelve and then you'll be forty five. Then I'll be thirteen and you'll be forty six. Then I'll be…older…and you'll be older…and then we'll both keep on getting older and stuff…and then the future will happen." Said Shigeko. She was happy about it…and he had no idea why. Didn't she realize what a gift it was to be her age? Youth was wasted on the young…another cliché. He had been her age once and…and he had been happy. He had been too happy to realize all of the things that he should have been unhappy with. He'd been so alone then…when he'd been eleven…and he'd not yet known how to be alone. How to be a complete person all on his own. He hadn't known a lot of things…like how little freedom he had…it had been a fact of life to obey his parents and…and he gave her a much better childhood than he'd ever had. Her and her brother.
"Yes, it will." Said Suzuki. The future would happen…and it seemed like she was looking forward to it. So was he. Every single year that passed brought him closer and closer and closer to his goal…and then when it happened he could rest…well as much as the ruler of the world could possibly rest. He ran his fingers through her bangs. He ignored the spots that she had there. Those were also an unfortunate fact of life. She was at that age after all…and he wasn't going to pick at them. Mother had always picked at his skin and it had driven him insane. He would leave her be. He would just trail his fingers over her forehead…and she had such soft skin…even when she wrinkled it due to being deep in thought about something.
"Do you like living in the future, dad?" asked Shigeko. He had no idea what that meant. Was that what she had been deep in thought about? Well then she should have done some more thinking until she started making sense…is what he would have said if she had been anyone else. She was Shigeko and he never could have been so unkind to her. He loved her.
"What do you mean? This is the present." Said Suzuki. Sometimes it was best to get clarification…though he had no idea how she would clarify that one. They were living in the present…well everyone second that passed them by put them one second into the future but that…was philosophical and he did not do well with philosophy. He did better with the concrete and she knew that…but they were very different people in so many ways…like this one.
"I know that it's the present but for you it's the future because you're older than me. When you were my age the world was different and TV was in black and white and there was a world war and stuff." Said Shigeko. Suzuki blinked. She…knew how long ago forty four years had been…right? The state that the world had been in? He had never even seen war….not any kind of war that affected the homeland…and he had never even owned a black and white television…not even when he'd been small…she knew how old he was…right?
"How old do you think I am?" asked Suzuki. She was better describing the world of his father…father had been born in the late forties….and by then the war had been over…and Suzuki had wondered more than once if father having lived downwind of all of that radiation and mother as well…well she'd lived on an army base some ways away…but he had wondered more than once if that had anything to do with him being…him. That and the heavy industry that had built up Seasoning City….there were a lot of things to wonder but now was not the time. Now was not the time to speculate about dead people…not when there was a living one right there talking to him.
"Forty four, dad, I know what age you are." Said Shigeko. He shook his head. She seemed put out there, or at least her aura did, and he had no idea why. It had been a legitimate question.
"I was just making sure. You described the world my father…no, not even my father. My father was born in 1947 and…." Said Suzuki. He did some quick math. Father's birthday had passed in September. Mother's in June. Mother had been…well he had been well aware of the fact that he'd outlived her…and father…had been forty four and…and now he was forty four. He was as old as father had been when he died and….and that was….
He had no idea what he was supposed to do with that information.
Shigeko was looking at him. His aura had pulled closely around him. It was acting up now. He didn't know why. It wasn't as though he could wear his aura like a cloak. It wasn't as though he could hide from death in it. It wasn't as though he even had to fear death. Like that song Fukuda had played on the morning of his parents' funeral. Don't fear the reaper and all of that…and he didn't. He knew that the person laying in his lap was no threat to him. He knew that he would never put her in the position where she even could have been a threat to him. She would never lose control. In fact she took steps to never lose control.
So therefore she would never lose him.
"Dad, are you ok?" asked Shigeko. Her aura nudged his…and he almost lashed out at her. He turned that energy away from her. The house shook a bit, and he felt Son wake up, but that didn't matter. He hadn't hurt her and that was the point of it. He had protected her from himself and now all he needed were words…words for what he had thought…and felt…and those had been emotions…emotions that he had kept long buried…but there they had been…right there front and center for her to deal with…no. For him to deal with…because they were his emotions…and his problem.
"I…just came to the realization that I've outlived my father. Both of my parents." Said Suzuki. There. Words for it, for what had happened…but they didn't feel like enough. He had lost both of them and…and just saying it…it felt like…not enough. She needed to know…no. She never needed to know. She never needed to know the pain of waking up one day on the floor of your best friend's bedroom, a room that you had spent countless nights in, and knowing at the core of your being that aside from the man sleeping beside you…aside from your best friend and one companion…you were truly alone in the world….in ways that you had never even imagined…and that you had to be full and complete person on your own…but you were all alone and….
And Shigeko would never feel that sort of pain. Ever.
"Oh…I'm sorry." said Shigeko. She didn't have to say that…and he had no idea why she had said that. The whole thing had happened long before she had even been born and…and her apologizing didn't fix it. If him apologizing, if him getting down on his hands and knees and prostrating himself in the rubble that had been his home and the pile of gore and viscera that had been his parents hadn't brought him back then her apologies as she laid her head down in his lap certainly wouldn't do anything.
"No, no, don't be. This is…what it is." Said Suzuki. She needed to know that there was no point in saying sorry. She needed to know that her apologies wouldn't fix anything. She needed to know that if she ever killed him, if he ever did something to make her lose control that badly, that even if she spent the rest of her life apologizing at the pile of meat and blood that had been his body it wouldn't have made any difference. He still would have been dead and gone from this world.
"I'm still sorry. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you…and thinking about you dying makes me sad…dad." Said Shigeko. She wiped her eyes. He wanted to take her and shake her and tell her to keep her tears in her eyes where they belonged….another phantom pain….this time at the side of his face. He felt….he didn't know why he had been crying that day…but he had learned to keep his tears in his eyes where they belonged….and it had been a good lesson…because he had been a boy then and he had been expected to grow up to be a man and men did not cry…but she was a woman and she could do all the crying that she wanted.
He wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"Don't be. You….you will never lose me. Not in the way that I've lost my own parents." Said Suzuki. He wiped her cheeks, the tears from them, and he continued to let them fall. He would rather wipe them up as they fell than stop them at the source. If she had been a boy then it would have been a different story. If she had been a boy then they wouldn't have even been having this conversation. He would never have allowed himself to be so weak in front of his Son, even his blood Son, especially his blood Son…and he would never have allowed any male child of his to display such weakness ether. Shigeko…well she could be allowed this weakness….she couldn't help being born female after all…and she could cry…
She didn't have to keep her tears in her eyes where hey belonged. She was lucky in that way.
"How did grandma and grandpa die?" asked Shigeko as she wiped her own eyes. He knew that he had told her before and…and he knew that she might have forgotten…and he knew that he did not like to talk about this. This was the last thing that he wanted to talk about. This was…she was…she was asking him something and it wasn't like this was some big secret…and it wasn't like he was going to be so weak as to tell her that he didn't feel like talking about it…because his parents had been dead since 1991…and that had been twenty six years ago and…and enough time had passed that he should have had no problem talking about it.
"…an accident. There had been an accident and….and they tried to stop me from doing something that I had to do…and then there was an accident…" said Suzuki. That was the best that he could come up with…and he was ashamed of himself for having come up with something as pathetic as that. What was so hard to say? He had decided to take over the world his parents told him that he was insane, he didn't like to be called insane and then he had lost control and killed them both. There. The sequence of events was simple enough…but when he thought about it…about what had happened…he smelled and tasted copper…and he didn't know why….
He was so weak sometimes. Father would have been rolling over in his grave if what was left of him hadn't been cremated.
"Oh…dad...that's terrible…I'm sorry that you're an orphan." Said Shigeko. She said that and…and he was not an orphan. She was an orphan…well no her parents were alive and well. Her mother was a realtor now because her father had lost his job in the economic panic and now he was working a much lower paying and ranking position…and they were still in that same house…and her blood brother still showed no signs of psychic ability of any kind…though he was a very bright boy all things considered….he had actually broken some of Suzuki's academic records….not that he cared about that…also her blood brother was apparently a homosexual…well he had been seen kissing three separate boys…and those things were genetic so he had his worries about her…well not worries because she would never leave him…she came from very loyal people neither of her parents had stepped out on their marriage not once…even though her father had been tempted two years ago….not that he cared at all about her blood family…just enough to keep an eye on them…just enough to have them followed….because she was not a true orphan….
And he needed to stop thinking about orphans. He was not an orphan and neither was she. There were no orphans!
"I'm not an orphan, Shigeko. Children are orphans. I am simply a grown man without parents…and that's fine. I lost them but you will never lose me." Said Suzuki. He took her hand in his. Her hand was so small. She was so small. She was so small and…and he would never leave her all alone in the world. Not even death would stop him. Her little brow was furled and her little aura was pulled close and…and he knew that she was worried about that but she would never lose him. Ever.
"…we lost mom, though." said Shigeko after a moment. He let her hand go. For a moment he couldn't move, he couldn't breathe, he couldn't even think. She had said…she had just looked him in the eye and said…Masami was not lost! She was not lost and...and she knew…she fucking KNEW! She knew to NEVER mention Masami! Ever! She knew! He could have…he could have thrown her across the room in that moment…he could have picked her up and put her through a wall.
He didn't do that.
"No. You are never to speak like that again…do you hear me?" asked Suzuki. He picked her up by hand and now he was holding her in a sitting positon. Her powers reached out and tried to pull him from her. He didn't let them. She had to look at him. She had to listen to him. She had to know that what she had just said was completely unacceptable.
"Dad….you're hurting me." Said Shigeko. His fingers were digging into the leash of her shoulders. He was holding her as tightly as he could. He wasn't going to throw her but he wasn't going to put her down, to let her go, he had stopped himself from throwing her across the room but he could not stop her from doing this.
"I apologize….I sincerely apologize…now let's just….talk of other things. Here. Smoke this and we'll talk of other things." Said Suzuki. He used his powers to hand her the smoking pipe. He hated it but…but she needed it. She had opened her mouth and said the one thing that she shouldn't have…and then he had lost control, almost, and he had hurt her…almost. Her sleeves had ridden up and he could see little blue bruises already starting to form….since she was so pale…pale as him and….and they both needed to talk of other things before it happened again.
"What other things?" asked Shigeko as she took the smoking pipe and the lighter in her hands. She as looking at him and…and how did she not know what to talk about? She was Shigeko. She always had something to talk about. She had friends and games and a life and…and there must have been something there that she wanted to share!
Even if it was that pipe.
He would have shared that pipe with her in the instance if she had asked. He needed it. He knew that he would lose control of his powers and his thoughts but he also knew that he would lose hold of all of his negative thoughts. She smoked that to feel better. To have control. She smoked it and she always offered it to him and….
And she wasn't offering it now…she was just staring at him.
"I have no idea just…other things. Tell me about the party. You're excited about that so…so tell me about it." Said Suzuki. There. That was something. That was something that they could talk about. Something that they could spend endless amounts of time talking about. She was still staring at him…and he lit the end of her pipe for her. He lit the end and she finally got the message. He watched her inhale, hold it in her lungs, and then exhale and cough. He liked this better than talking about….what they should not have been talking about.
"Um…ok. So I scaled down the dessert bar so now it's just bowls of candy and cakes and only two kinds of pudding but the cups, not the fountain, like I originally wanted and also costumes are optional and also…." Said Shigeko. She spoke. She smoked and she spoke and he listened to her. He listened to her…he listened to her until her words faded into just noise. He listened to her even though he just…his mind wandered. He had opened a window but it didn't help very much.
His mind still wandered.
It wandered to the past…thoughts that he should have buried years ago. Thoughts about who he had been. Thoughts about what had been. Thoughts about….he held her close. He should have been thinking about her. He should have only been thinking about her. He wanted…he wanted to think about her…so he listened…he listened until she ran out of things to say…and then he put on a documentary….
One of the ones that she liked.
He liked documentaries and so did she. That was something that they had in common. He focused on that…and not on how back when he had been young he had spent many a night watching documentaries together….they rented them every weekend…and that was some of the rare times that they spent together and…and also he tried not to remember Masami…and how she had laid her head in his lap just like this…and how they'd watched documentaries together even though she had said that they were boring….even when they had watched documentaries about things that she liked and….
He focused on her.
He focused on Shigeko. He focused on the present. The present which was the past's future and…and this was the future that they were living in and…and this was what he focused on. He loved her and he focused on her and…and this was…this made it better and…and he just…he opened another window. He couldn't think…he couldn't breathe…he just…there was a lot of smoke in here and…he just had to focus on whatever it was they were watching….a documentary….so he would watch it…now…with Shigeko….right now….
Their favorite genre was documentary after all.