Serizawa had always liked it best when he was home alone.
Being home alone was the best thing, really, because then nobody was in any danger. When mom was home he was always so…on edge. He alas kept an ear out for her footsteps near his door. She liked to knock on his door to leave him food and clean clothes and stuff…and something she even just wanted to talk…been though she knew that he had nothing to talk about. He'd never had anything to talk about…anything that she would have understood, anyway. His life had been games and shows and…and things that she just did not like…but she still listened to him and talked to him and…and he loved her but…
But she should have known that it was safer for her if she just left him alone.
The people here knew to leave him alone. His new…friends? Miss Suzuki had called them all his friends. She had said that everyone in this house was friends not only with her but with each other and if he just made more of an effort to come out of his room then he could be friends with them too. She had even invited him to go to a party...and he had never been to a party in his life. Not even when he'd been small. Nobody had ever invited him to any parties….not birthday or Christmas or new years or…or anything. He had never even had a real birthday party with other people besides mom…so going to the party…
It would have been more effort than he even knew how to…how to give.
He was happy in his room anyway. He was all alone in the house, that really tall person had left him dinner on the kitchen table, and now he was just relaxing and playing some Minecraft. Hatori, the person on the other side of his wall, said that there was a massive Minecraft world the he and Miss Suzuki and Miss Suzuki's father had built together, and also he had offered to let Serizawa be a part of that too but…but that was just…too much for him right now. He hadn't even been with these people for a month, hadn't even had friends for a whole month, and he just…he was not up to spending time with anyone.
Which was why it was a good thing that the house was empty.
Well it had been empty. He felt a shift in the energy around him. That was what that feeling was, that nagging feeling at the edges of his perception. That was energy and it meant that someone else with an aura was in his aura. Sort of like how enemies could detect you in a game. Miss Suzuki had said that. She knew all about this stuff because she had been raised around people like her….like them. Her father was just like they were. He wondered what that was like…having a parent who understands you….or even having a father in general. He didn't know about fathers, his dad hadn't had much interest in being a father, but it must have been nice…having one…he thought. He didn't know. Maybe he could ask her.
She was coming his way after all.
It was one of the first things that you learned as an esper, she had said, how to sense other espers. She said that it had come easy to her because she had always lived with her dad and brother. She said that it was ok that he didn't know everything that an esper knew because he had been all alone for so long…and also she had said that he never had to be all alone again. But he wanted to be all alone. He wanted to live in a world all on his own, a world where the only thing that existed was him and these four walls, a world where he would have been alone and…and everyone else would have been safe…because he would have been away from them. He had wanted to live in that sort of world for so long…or maybe he had just told himself that he wanted to live in that sort of world…because that sort of world was a lonely one…and he had been so lonely for so long that maybe…maybe he hadn't even noticed that he had been lonely…like now.
Now he felt lonely.
He didn't know why he felt lonely. He could feel her coming, Miss Suzuki, and she always loved spending time with him. He had no reason to feel lonely. He had no reason to feel anything other than happy to see her…but he just…he didn't even know what he wanted. To have been able to…to have gone with her, maybe? To have been able to have stepped out of this room and gone to the party? He didn't like…he had no idea if he liked parties or not. The closest thing he had ever been to a party was listening to the birthday breakfast thing that they had done for…he forgot his name…the really tall blind guy and…well he maybe shouldn't have referred to him like that because it might have been kind of mean…he'd apologize later…or he'd ask Miss Suzuki if it was alight to apologize. She knew about these sorts of things. She knew about everything
She might have even known how he felt.
Because he didn't even know how he felt. He wanted to be with people and he wanted to be alone. He wanted to go to the party and he wanted to spend the rest of his life in his room. He wanted to be out there in the world and he wanted the world to be these four walls. He wanted things…and he didn't want them…and he just…he wished that he knew. All the other people in the world seemed to know exactly who they were and who they wanted to be…and he just…he had no clue. He wished that he could have been like Miss Suzuki. She was always so…smart. She knew exactly who she was and who she wanted to be…and she was always so put together.
She was always so together.
There was a knock at his door. That was her. He could see her colors. That pink and blue that he could see was her. He still froze, though, for a moment. He froze because for a moment, just a moment, he had felt his curse…his powers….jump. Maybe because he had wanted to jump. Maybe because he had wanted to jump right out of his skin. He didn't know why. He knew that she was there, he knew that she was the only one who ever knocked on his door, and he knew that she had told him a thousand times before that even if he lost control of his powers he was in no danger of hurting her….but he had still jumped…and he should have been better than that…
He should have been more normal.
"C-come in." said Serizawa. There. That was the normal thing to say when someone…when your friend…was knocking at your door. There. He had said what he had to say and he had done what he'd had to do…and he'd done something right…and now he was…he was alright. He was alright and he had done what he was supposed to do and…and he should have felt fine. He had nothing to be afraid of. It was just Miss Suzuki.
Miss Suzuki dressed like that princess she liked from that movie…and also she was drinking something from a can…and she had what looked like a very thin lit cigarette in her hand.
"Serizawa! Happy Halloween!" said Miss Suzuki as she walked in through his door. He paused his game, stood up, and bowed. It had been instinct. He knew that they were friends but…but he was still getting the hang of it all. He just knew that bowing was polite…so that was what he did…
And that was what she did, too.
She bowed and whatever was in her can sloshed out. He expected it to hit his rug….not that he was annoyed she could spill her soda, it didn't smell like soda, wherever she felt like…but she just caught it with her powers and drank it right out of the air like those astronauts he had seen on TV once. That was so cool….he could never do anything like that…but she could. She could even if she was…swaying…and also her face and eyes were red…and he had seen enough TV to know what that meant…
Yeah, parties were not for him.
"Serizawa, you don't have to bow…we're friends! I mean I haven't been much of a friend to you lately but we are friends…and I'm so sorry I left you home all alone." Said Miss Suzuki. She reached out and hugged him…and it took him a moment to hug her back. She was so small and he just…he couldn't shake the feeling of how easily he could have hurt her…and he didn't want to hurt her…but he could see his colors and he could feel his curse…his powers and…and she was too close! Didn't she know what could happen to her if she got this close?
Obviously she did…and she didn't care.
She let him go. She let him go and she was looking up at him and…right! Right, she had said something. Something had been said to him and the polite thing to do, when something was said to him, was to say something back…so that was what he did. He found words. He founds words that would fit…and he did his best to keep his powers and his colors where they belonged…because he just…he knew that he could have sent her flying on accident…and she was so small…so much smaller than him…and he knew that she was stronger than him but she was also so small and….and he didn't want to hurt his only friend.
He didn't want to lose his only friend.
"No, no, don't be. It's alright. I prefer to be alone actually…it's relaxing. There's nobody around who I could accidentally…hurt." Said Serizawa. He didn't want to lose her, he didn't want to hurt her, and mostly…mostly he just…he wanted to be someone else. She had said that it was normal to want to have been born a normal person and that it would pass as he got better with his powers and made friends with all of their friends. That was normal and he was normal and…and he had never been normal in his life and…and she had called him that and she was in his room and she wanted to be with him and…
And it was so nice…having someone like her for a friend.
"Oh. I can go home then, I mean I wanted to spend time with you but if you want to be alone then I can go. Maybe I can spend time with my dad and Hatori…they're probably having another math party…or I could go back to the party I guess…even though all of my friends are busy…or I could just get a jump on tomorrow's laundry-" said Miss Suzuki
"No! I mean…I mean I don't want you to go. You can stay…um…do you want to sit down?" asked Serizawa. He didn't want to keep her prisoner…and he didn't want to lose her either…and he just…he mostly just didn't want to be alone. Somehow she both made him feel lonely and also…also took the loneliness away. He didn't understand it. He didn't understand anything. Maybe it was part of her powers or something, he didn't know, all he knew was that she was there with him and…and he wanted her to stay there with him.
Also she didn't seem well.
"Yes please…the room is moving." Said Miss Suzuki. She took a step forward and leaned onto him. He steadied her as best as he could. He wished that he could have held her with his powers but…well he didn't trust himself to do that yet. So he held her up with his own strength…and she was very light. He had no idea how she could have been so small…and so light. How could a person have possibly been as small as she was?
Maybe she was just…tiny? Or young? He didn't know. All he knew was that she was not well.
"Miss Suzuki? Are you alright?" asked Serizawa as he steadied her. She smiled up at him and nodded. She nodded even though she had almost gone tumbling down onto the rug. How she could always be so…so calm all the time…he would never know.
"I'm fine, the floor just moved is all. I'll be fine." Said Miss Suzuki. Serizawa tapped the floor with his foot. The only thing that he could feel through his sock was the crumbs on the carpet. She said that the floor as moving though…and he had no idea what she meant…but he wanted to believe her…or at least know what she was talking about…
"Um…I don't feel it but-" said Serizawa. Would set get upset with him for contradicting her? She had never been upset with him before but….but weren't friends supposed to agree on everything? He didn't know. He had never been a friend before. He had never had a friend or been a friend and he wanted so badly to be a good one…and he wished that there was some kind of how to guide or something that he could have read…because sometimes this friendship thing was hard.
"No, no, of course you don't. You didn't drink anything…and maybe I should have listened to Minegishi…I don't know. Here, do you want the rest of my beer?" asked Miss Suzuki as she sat down on his bed. She sat down on his bed and passed him the can that she had been drinking out of. She had been drinking out of it and now she was handing it to him…and he knew that sharing germs wasn't good but…well they were friends. They were friends and friends could share germs.
And also beers.
This was a beer can, it said so on the front. There was braille on the top, too, that might have said that this was beer…but he couldn't read that and the one person in the house who could wasn't home…and Serizawa wouldn't have bothered him anyway. No, it would have been pointless. This was beer and…and part of him wanted to hand it back to her. There was a part of him that wanted to tell her that he was too young for that…the part of him that looked in the mirror and still expected to be her size…or maybe even her….age? He had no idea how old she really was but he knew that he was twenty seven….and he knew that he was more than old enough to have a drink….and he also knew that he had never had a drink before in his life.
"Um….I've never had beer before…" said Serizawa. What if he got drunk? He had never been drunk before…and he had no idea what he would do if he to drunk. He had seen drunk people in games and on TV before…and he knew that if he got drunk then he wouldn't have been able to control his powers…and he couldn't even do that now but…but she as offering him a drink and…and he wanted to fit in and…and he trusted her but…
But he didn't fully trust himself.
"You probably won't like it. I just took it because it was in cans. If I took a whole bottle of champagne or something then people would notice…and also that would have been very greedy of me…and also Minegishi says that I should always use moderation and drinking a whole bottle of champagne is not moderation." Said Miss Suzuki. She nodded as she spoke…and she spoke with such…a sense that she knew what she was talking about…and of course she did. This was Miss Suzuki. There was no way that she would ever steer him wrong. They were friends and friends never steered each other wrong…at least that was his understanding of friendship. It was all still pretty new to him…but that was alright. Lots of things were new to him but…well that just meant that he had the chance to try new things…
Even things that he didn't really want to try.
"Um…if you think that it's a good idea…alright." Said Serizawa. He didn't really want to try this…but she said that it was a good idea and he trusted her. She was his friend and she had already done so much for him, she had taken him out of the h-word that had been his life, so the least that he could do was try this beer…and really it looked like soda…and he liked soda…
It looked like soda but it didn't taste like soda.
"Sorry to laugh just…you made a funny face there." said Miss Suzuki. Serizawa hadn't realized that he had been making any kind of face at all. He had just been focusing on not spitting anything out. That had been…he had no idea why she would drink something like this willingly. That had been the most bitter thing that he had ever tasted…and with the world of drinks out there that weren't bitter he had no idea what would make her choose to drink something that tasted so bad.
But then again there were a lot of things about her, about people, that he didn't understand.
"I-I'm sorry. It's just…very bitter. I don't really like it…I'm sorry." said Serizawa. He sat back down where he had been. He was on the floor and he had to look up to see her. She was sitting up on his bed and smoking her very thing cigarette. It was almost out, or done with, but she had another one behind her ear…and he wondered if she would offer him one next. He didn't understand smoking either…but she did…and it wasn't like she would ever steer him wrong. These were just the things that people did, that adults did, and he was an adult so…well he had to start doing all of the things that adults did. He was already so behind as it was.
"That's ok. We'll find something that you like and then you'll be able to control your powers better. Beer is good for that…well all drinking is…but if you don't like that then you probably won't like a lot of other things. That just tastes bitter. Everything else tastes like burning…well not champagne…but I didn't want to take a whole bottle of champagne. Minegishi would have been mad at me…if they even noticed. They made a new friend and stuff…but maybe they would have noticed if they ever decided to come back to me…but it's ok. I took a beer…well a whole bunch of them…and they're ok too. All drinking is good really. I don't know how I could have ever learned how to control my powers all the way if Minegishi hadn't taught me to drink…well and smoke, too, but that was mostly Shimazaki who taught me how to smoke." Said Miss Suzuki
"Really? This helps?" asked Serizawa. He couldn't help it, he made that same face again. He'd had one sip and it had been awful…but maybe it was like medicine. When he'd been little, and when he'd still gotten sick, mom had made him drunk the worst tasting medicine in the world….but it had been good for him…and Miss Suzuki…well she was doing the same thing…she was trying to make him better….
So he took another sip.
Terrible. Just terrible…but she had been drinking it. Maybe that was just a thing that adults got used to. She was used to it and she wasn't even…well he had no idea how old she was, actually. She was small, like a kid, but sometimes adults were really small. She was in a princess costume though but sometimes girls did cosplay. He liked cosplay girls…not her though! Not like that. This was Miss Suzuki. He would never have thought about her like that…and not even because he wasn't entirely sure how old she was. This was Miss Suzuki and she just…was not someone he thought of like that.
She took care of him even though there were so many other things that she could have been doing.
She could have been at the party with her friends but she had chosen to come all the way back home to be with him. He hadn't been lonely…not any lonelier than normal…but she had still come back to him and now she was sitting on his bed and…and also she was smoking but he didn't mind even though it smelled terrible…she was with him and that was the point. The only person who had ever voluntarily wanted to be with him was his mother…and it was best for her that they hadn't been together…because he had hurt her so many times on accident…but he could never hurt Miss Suzuki. Not on purpose or on accident. She was stronger than he was. She was better than he was.
She was better in so many ways…ways that he couldn't even count.
"Yeah, watch this." said Miss Suzuki. She waved her arm and then all of his games…well they stacked to the ceiling. They all stacked on top of one another like Jenga blocks until they touched the ceiling…and then as quick as they stacked they went back to their shelves and stacks. She had done all of that with a wave of one hand...the other hand had her skinny cigarette in it. She had done all of that without even trying…and also while being drunk…well he suspected anyway.
"That was…amazing. I could never do anything like that…sorry." said Serizawa. He wished…well he had no idea when he ever would have wanted to do something like that…but it was a thing that she could do and he couldn't…not that he was jealous of her. No, he could never be jealous of her. He just…he wanted to be here.
"Yes you could. You could but you…well it's ok. You just don't think that you can and it's holding you back I think…but don't worry. I'm here. I know all the stuff…so don't worry. I can help you control your powers and then you won't be so scared all the time and then you can make friends with everybody and then everything is going to be ok. I promise and a promise is a promise." Said Miss Suzuki. She stared him in the eyes when she said that…and she was so serious…and he was going to be serious too. A promise was a promise. He had promised himself that he would never hurt anyone again and…and he had kept that promise.
"It…it is…" said Serizawa. A promise was a promise and he agreed with her…and he also sort of expected there to be flames behind her…since she was so fired up. Well she had been. Then she took another inhale from her cigarette and started coughing. She didn't seem like she was enjoying it based on all the coughing….it didn't seem enjoyable at all…
So why the h-word was she offering him a cigarette in that case?
"Good. Now finish this joint." Said Miss Suzuki. She passed him the little cigarette….and he took it. He took it and he looked at it. It was thin and skinny and it felt terrible and…and she just…she was looking at him like she expected something….well he knew what she was expecting of him. She wanted him to finish off her baby cigarette…
For some reason.
"What?" asked Serizawa as he held it in his hand. This was….part of him, that same part that told him that he was too young to drink, also told him that he was too young to smoke. He was too young to…no, he wasn't, he was twenty seven years old now. He wasn't a kid anymore and he could have smoked if he had wanted to…and he just…he didn't really want to…and that wasn't ok because…because she wanted him to.
"I've known you for almost a month and we've never smoked together. That's weird for me. I've smoked more with my dad than I have with you…and never smoke with my dad. He gets…weird…when he smokes. Really weird." Said Miss Suzuki
"I didn't know that smoking cigarettes could make a person act weird…or even why someone would smoke them in the first place." Said Serizawa
"No, no, this isn't a cigarette, this is a joint. It's like a cigarette but it makes you all relaxed…and is also very illegal so don't go around telling people that I have this or I could be in real trouble." Said Miss Suzuki
"I-I won't!" said Serizawa. He didn't want to get in trouble…and he never would have done anything that would have gotten her in trouble. He cared so much about her and…and he didn't want to get in trouble….but he knew that she would never have done anything that could have gotten him in trouble. He trusted her completely.
"Good. Don't worry, though, this isn't the bad kind of illegal like killing people or robbing banks or cutting off people's faces and wearing them." Said Miss Suzuki
"That's….a thing that happens?" asked Serizawa. He…felt the urge to lock his door…and his windows….and then get his umbrella and pull her close and never let her go. He needed to keep her safe from whoever would hurt her. Nothing in this world would ever take his friend from him. He would die first. He would die before he let anything happen to her.
He meant it.
"Yes, in movies anyway and art imitates life so I guess in life too. Anyway this isn't a bad thing, it's just illegal, and sometimes the law doesn't know what's right and what isn't. Like how smoking and stuff makes you feel good but it's illegal or how you can't do stuff in one country that you can do in another. Or like how in one country you can be a weirdo for doing stuff with someone but in another country it's perfectly fine, or even in another prefecture." Said Miss Suzuki. Serizawa…had no idea what she was talking about. She was talking so fast that he couldn't follow….or maybe he was just listening too slowly.
"I…don't follow." Said Serizawa
"I don't know the last part either. Shimazaki just said that when we were smoking once. Then he said that if I ever wanted to kiss him when I got older I should just ask and he wouldn't care what country we were in…but he says that sometimes and I just ignore it. I would never do anything like that to my best friend." Said Miss Suzuki
"Older?" asked Serizawa. She was….she was young looking….but she was old enough to smoke and drink…right? She was…not his age but…what? He didn't ask her, it was ride to ask a girl her age he knew that, but he just…really needed to know.
"Yeah, he says that I'm too young for him to like me like that and that in two or three years then he can like me like that but I don't want him to ever like me like that. Even if he wasn't my best friend's boyfriend I wouldn't like him like that. He's just…better as a friend, I think, than a boyfriend. I mean he's a nice person but he also acts like a crazy person and I don't like that. Also we're just friends so it doesn't matter. I don't even think that he likes me like that. I think that those might just be smoking thoughts. That's something that happens when you smoke, your brain gets kind of weird, so you should watch out for that…but don't worry. I won't hold anything that you say or do against you." Said Miss Suzuki
"I…don't know if I want to do this…if it's going to make me say and do things that I normally wouldn't. I mean I trust you! I trust you and I trust you when you say that it'll help me control my powers but…I just…I'm not sure." Said Serizawa
"Oh. Well then you don't have to. We can just hang out then…but you don't know what you're missing. Besides, you can't be any weirder than my dad. When he smokes he tells me over and over and over again how much he loves me and he brushes my hair and stuff…and I know that I sound ungrateful when I say that it bothers me….and it doesn't bother me-bother me…but it's just…kind of a lot…and I shouldn't complain to you. You don't even have a dad. I'm being mean." Said Miss Suzuki
"N-No…you aren't. I mean…you don't have a mom so we're even. You could never be mean to me, we're friends, and I trust you. I trust you." Said Serizawa. He trusted her in all things…and if she said that this would be good for him then he would try it…and he did try it…
And he passed it back to her.
"No, no, you can finish it….and try to hold it in your lungs for a little bit longer. That way it'll hit you better." Said Miss Suzuki. She passed it back to him…and that was enough for him. Enough confrontation…even though that wasn't confrontation. He had said that he hadn't wanted to but…well she would never steer him wrong…so he trusted her…even though he didn't want anything to hit him…but it would be ok….right?
"That way what will hit me better?" asked Serizawa
"You'll get stoned faster…and trust me, you want to be stoned. It's the best feeling ever. It's like being high but…better. The world is going slow and fast at the same time and everything is soft and just…nice. It's a good feeling. You should keep going." said Miss Suzuki
"Al….alright. I trust you." Said Serizawa. He meant it. He trusted her and…and he would do this…for her.
"You should, we're friends. Anyway, do you want to watch a movie? Or I can watch you play games…but I don't think that I'm up to playing any two player games right now. Sorry." said Miss Suzuki
"No…that's alright. We can watch a movie. Um….you're wearing that dress…do you want to watch the movie of the princess who wears that dress?" asked Serizawa
"Serizawa…are you asking me if I want to watch Frozen?" asked Miss Suzuki. She was staring at him and…and she was…she had that fired up look again….and he had no idea if it was good or bad or…or what he had done or what he was supposed to do so…so he just…he would make it better. He would make it better even though he had no idea what he had ever done….just now…
"Um…yes. But if you want to watch something else we can-" said Serizawa
"Yes. Of course I want to watch Frozen…it's the best movie ever made." Said Miss Suzuki
"I've never seen it…sorry." said Serizawa. That just made the fired up look come back…and she was even more fired up…and this looked like….he still couldn't tell if he was at fault…or if it was good or bad and…and he just….he wanted his umbrella. He wanted to pull them both under his umbrella and keep her safe…even though he had no idea what he even wanted to keep her safe from.
"Serizawa….listen, I have never been more sad for you than I am at this moment in my life…and now we have to watch Frozen. Trust me, it'll change your life for the better." Said Miss Suzuki. She scooted to the end of the bed. She was still all fired up and…she was also sad about him and…and he had no idea what she had been sad about…he'd been through worse and…and maybe he just….maybe he was happy that she was sad that he had never seen her favorite movie and not…because of the h-word his life had been…not that he wanted her to be sad or anything but…well if she had to be sad about something in his life than she should have been sad about that and not…
The other things.
"Alright, I trust you." Said Serizawa. He did. He trusted her totally and completely. Even though he didn't much like smoking…or drinking…or the light and heady feeling he got from both…but he did like this movie and he did like her and he trusted her completely. She was his friend and that was what friends did, they trusted each other, and he knew that there was nothing in the world that could ever make him stop trusting her.
He used to like it best when he as home alone…but he liked it even better when she was with him.