Sho did not trust the ocean.
The ocean was big and black and cold and had a lot of water in it The water was the part that he didn't trust. The beach was fine. He had shoes on so none of the little rocks and stuff hurt him and he didn't mind, either, that it was dark out. He didn't mind at all. This was…aside from the water it was ok. The water was the dangerous part. The water was the part that could swallow him up. The water was the part that could carry him away and pull him under and no matter how much he kicked and screamed and fought it would still be above his head…and screaming just made it worse. Screaming just made water go in his mouth and down his throat and then in his lungs and it burned and he couldn't breathe or think or see and all he could do was kick and try to get out but there was no out and-
-and Sho hated the ocean.
"Can we go now? I'm cold and wet." Said Sho. He and Shimazaki were laying down on the sand on some beach that Sho did not know the name of. There were boats all around them, and there were more rocks than sand, and also Sho got the feeling that they weren't meant to be there…but he wouldn't be telling Shimazaki that. He wanted to go and he knew that if he told Shimazaki that they weren't meant to be there then they would just end up staying longer because they went where they wanted to go.
That was what Shimazaki had said when they left the party.
Sho had asked where they were going and Shimazaki said that they went where they wanted to go and now they were here. Shimazaki teleported them here and then he laid down on the ground and asked Sho, well told him, to do the same. They had been here for long enough that Sho's legs and back were wet and cold. Shimazaki either didn't noticed, didn't care, or he couldn't even feel it through his barrier…if it was even up. Maybe it was down. That would have been weird but Shimazaki had been weird all night.
Sho never wanted to get as high as Shimazaki had been so far that night. Ever.
"It's good…to be cold and wet. That way you know that you're feeling something. Like, it's so easy to not feel anything at all, you know? Like you go to sleep and you wake up but like…like you're still asleep? And you don't even know if it's dark outside or light…and not just because you have no idea what light is. Like…you go to sleep and you're awake and life is like a waking dream and you just…do whatever you can to feel alive. To feel anything, you know?" asked Shimazaki. Didn't turn to face Sho while he talked. He looked up at the sky. Sho didn't know why. Even if he had been able to see he wouldn't have been able to see any stars. There was too much light in the city to see them. The stars were pretty when they stayed in the middle of nowhere…not that he had ever thought about watching the stars with Shimazaki. There would have been no point to it…and he had never thought about Shimazaki rolling onto his side and telling Sho that he liked him as more than a friend and he didn't care what people thought or if dad would kill him for liking Sho back…Sho had certainly never thought about that before…and he certainly was not thinking of it now.
It was too cold to think about stuff like that.
"Um….I don't. Not really." Said Sho. Shimazaki had been talking like that all night. Like he was having a conversation with himself or something. He talked really fast and he jumped around like he was teleporting after himself trying to tell himself something…or maybe someone else….but he was the only person who Sho knew that could teleport so it would have made sense that he was talking to himself…and stuff…or maybe nothing made sense.
Shimazaki certainly wasn't making a lot of sense.
"Ok…ok. Listen, it's like…like when you get up in the morning and it's like…ok. So what? Today is going to be like yesterday and yesterday is going to be like today's tomorrow and it's just…like you spin round and round like a record. Like once you get to the end you don't even dock the needle, you know? Like you just start right from the beginning again and it's like…all you can do." Said Shimazaki
"I'm ten, I don't know about records and record players and stuff." Said Sho. He tried not to sound like a jerk there, and he had been successful in not cursing him out, but really. If he wanted to talk about records and record players then couldn't they have talked about all of that someplace warm without water…without an ocean that wanted to swallow them up and drown them and stuff? It wouldn't have been hard at all, to go someplace else, Shimazaki could teleport after all….though Sho wasn't sure exactly how much he trusted Shimazaki's teleportation right now.
"Fuck…you're right. I never taught you about music…and about vinyl. I need to teach you about vinyl. Vinyl…ok, so you know how music is all digital now? Well it's soulless. It's soulless and sounds like…like the music that…ghosts or something would listen to…but not skeletons. I think that skeletons would either listen to that spooky scary skeletons song or…I don't know. Maybe the nightmare before Christmas soundtrack. The main guy is a skeleton, right?" asked Shimazaki
"Jack? Yeah, he's a skeleton. That's why he's Jack Skellington. You gotta pay attention when we watch movies." Said Sho
"Hey, I can only go by the narration and what Toshi says…and anyway…ok. So…what was I talking about?" asked Shimazaki
"Us getting up and getting out of here." Said Sho
"Right. We can't because…right! Ok, we need to feel something. It's the worst when you just stop feeling things…like when Rise died…God. I thought that I would never be able to feel anything ever again…and I was doing heroin back then too. Heroin and meth…and maybe I shouldn't have had them fight it out…that might have been my problem…but nothing helped anyway. It's like…ok, first of all stay away from meth. Meth will ruin your fucking life. Stay away from heroin too. First of all stay away from anything that you need a needle to do…and also never snort heroin either…actually just stay away from heroin. Heroin and meth…and what else…" said Shimazaki
"What's heroin? And what's meth?" asked Sho. He got the feeling that Shimazaki was talking about more desk stuff. The stuff that he kept in his desk that Sho was not supposed to touch under any circumstances ever. Sho didn't need to be told twice. The first time he had ever eaten anything from Shimazaki's desk would also be the last time. That…none of that had been fun at all…and this wasn't very fun either.
He never wanted to be as high as Shimazaki was right now.
Usually he was fun when he got high…well he was fun all the time but he was especially fun when he got high. He wanted to run around and climb on things and throw things and mess with people…well he always wanted to do that but when he got high he especially loved that stuff…and Sho…well he loved it too…but now…this was different. He was all full of energy but instead of doing something he was just…sitting still and talking really fast about stuff that Sho didn't even know about…
It wasn't very fun at all.
"Awesome. Ok, so heroin, if you can feel stuff, takes you to this place where you're just like…like leaving a candle to burn and it melts and the warm is warm and it feels good on your skin as it hardens and meth…meth is like…you ever eat fifty peeps at once? That's what it's like….but also if you chase it with a bunch of coke, too, or crack…but never smoke crack. That's another life ruiner…well coke is a life ruiner too but coke is like 'hey, let's party' and crack is like 'fuck, how did I get here' and shit…so don't smoke crack either…and don't do meth…and don't snort heroin. The only thing that goes up your nose is coke…but the good shit. If you want good coke ask your sister. She knows how to get good coke…Kai never got me coke that good…I mean obviously it's never going to be totally pure but this was some good shit that your sister got me…so always get our coke from her….but don't do coke because really, you have enough energy as it is." Said Shimazaki
"Uh…ok…? But what does that have to do with us laying down in the ocean?" asked Sho
"We're not laying IN the ocean, we're just teasing it. The water wants to take us. Can't you feel it? The water wants us to go with it but we can't go with it. I can't let it take you. I can't let it take me. I don't trust it, you know, the ocean. It just…it takes people…and then they're gone and…and why did I throw her ashes in the ocean? What the fuck….what is wrong with you Ryou?! You had her and….and now her ashes are inside of a…a fish…or something and…and you're such and idiot!" said Shimazaki. He was sitting up now and Sho…well he knew that Shimazaki wasn't yelling at him…because he was his friend and friends didn't talk to each other like that. Like how dad talked to him. Like how dad told him that he was an idiot. Like how dad was always…always telling him how he was such an idiot. But Shimazaki wasn't talking to Sho, he was talking to himself, and in some ways that was even worse. Shimazaki shouldn't have been talking about himself or to himself like that. He was the coolest, smartest, most fun person that Sho had ever met…and he shouldn't have been talking like that about himself.
Especially over some girl.
He had never met Rise but he knew that she was some dead girl that Shimazaki used to be in love with…and he was really sorry that she was dead and all but…but he didn't need Shimazaki screaming over her and being all weird over her too. She was dead and now he had Minegishi…and Sho didn't want to think about them either. He was just the worst sometimes. Here Shimazaki was screaming about his poor dead girlfriend and all Sho could do was wish that he would shut up because he didn't want to think about Shimazaki being in love with everyone else.
It wasn't too cold for that stupid goldfish to start swimming after all.
"Hey…you're not an idiot…you're my friend…so knock it the fuck off already! You're sitting there freaking out like a baby! You're freaking out over someone who's been dead for a long time! It doesn't matter what you did with her ashes or if…if you loved her or she loved you or you feel stuff or you don't…because you're alive and you're here and she's not and it's cold and you can feel the cold and I can feel the cold but she can't! Now get up! We're cold and wet and…and hate the water!" said Sho. He didn't want to be there anymore and…and sometimes you had to say what you had to say to snap your best friend out of…whatever he was in. Sometimes you had to tell him to shut his mouth about girls that were dead and stuff that you didn't understand and…and he hated being an asshole. He hated being an asshole to Shimazaki especially but…but he didn't want to sit there listening to all of that either!
But he might have crossed a line.
Because now Shimazaki was facing him. Sho could tell, from the lights around them, that Shimazaki had his eyes opened. It never got truly dark in the city. Even on a beach in the city where they kept boats and stuff it never got truly dark. It was dark enough that he couldn't read Shimazaki's t-shirt but it wasn't so dark that he couldn't tell when Shimazaki had his eyes opened….
And he had no idea if it was a good thing or a bad thing.
"Me too! Get up!" said Shimazaki suddenly. He grabbed Sho under his arm and hoisted him to his feet. Sho forgot, sometimes, how strong Shimazaki was. He didn't use his powers there, Sho would have been able to tell if he had, he had just lifted Sho…with his own strength…and that could have been a good thing or a bad thing. Sho didn't know. He didn't know and…and not knowing…well it was enough to make his goldfish even stop swimming for a little bit…
He had no idea what he was supposed to do now.
"Ok…what are we doing?" asked Sho. He could feel the ground, the rocky sand, underneath his feet. He could feel Shimazaki looking at him. Shimazaki was quiet. Nothing good ever came from Shimazaki being quiet…and Sho…he knew what Shimazaki did to people. He had heard plenty of stories and even seen it…and he knew that if he got dropped in the ocean that he would not have been able to get out of it…and he knew that Shimazaki was his best friend and cared about him and stuff…
But he also knew that he had been an asshole to Shimazaki back then…and he hated it when people were asshole to him….
"Pick up a rock and throw it into the ocean. Here, watch me…fuck you! Fuck you water! Fuck you ocean! Fuck you currents that take you out to sea! Fuck you boats! Fuck you salt that gets in your eye sockets and won't come out! And fuck you sand!" screamed Shimazaki. Ok…more than ok! Yes! That was Shimazaki! That was the Shimazaki that he knew and loved…well he shouldn't have loved him but…but that was the Shimazaki that he knew and loved! He didn't care if he loved him right now…not if he was back to normal and not talking about stuff that Sho didn't understand or worse…girls he liked.
This was great!
"Yeah! Fuck the ocean! Fuck it up it's dick hole! Fuck it's mom! Fuck it's dad! Fuck it's kids! Fuck it so hard that you can't fuck it anymore!" shouted Sho as he picked up a rock and threw it in the ocean. He watched it until he couldn't anymore. He heard it hit the water but he couldn't see it. He knew that Shimazaki could. He knew that Shimazaki could see in all directions right now, that he was at the advantage, but he also knew that Shimazaki couldn't see…well stuff that Sho didn't want him to see.
All kinds of stuff.
The way that Sho knew that he was getting kind of red and not from the cold. The way that Sho stood too close to him…well he could see that…but he couldn't see why. He would never be able to see why. Shimazaki…Sho had been mean, before, when he had yelled at him for talking to him about that girl and…and Shimazaki couldn't see why. He was too high to tell and even when he wasn't, which wasn't that often now that Sho thought about it, he would never have been able to tell how Sho felt about him. Why Sho was even with him on this cold beach in the middle of the night on Halloween when there was a whole party that they could have gone to.
It was a good thing….that Shimazaki couldn't see it…the way that Sho felt…for the both of their sakes…
Shimazaki could tell a lot of things about a person. Like how he could tell if a person was lying just from their heartrate and breathing and stuff. Sho…well he knew how his heart got and how his lungs got when he was near Shimazaki…like now….but Shimazaki didn't notice. Shimazaki trusted him. Shimazaki trusted him and…and in not telling him…in keeping this a secret…it was like he was lying but he had no choice…well he had a choice. He had a pragmatic choice. He made a pragmatic choice to lie and…and it sucked and…and he focused on the feel of wet sand on his back and in his shoes instead of the stupid feelings that he got when Shimazaki was near. If he didn't notice then Shimazaki might not have noticed either.
He didn't notice everything…there were a lot of things, really, that he didn't notice.
"Yeah! Fuck the ocean and-" said Shimazaki
"What are you people doing down there?!" said a guy with a flashlight. He seemed like the sort of person who was supposed to keep people like him and Shimazaki off of that beach. Sho knew that they were in trouble. In Claw he could do whatever he wanted to do and go wherever he wanted to go but he wasn't in Claw anymore, no, he was out in the world. He was out in the world and he could get in real trouble and-
-and Shimazaki would never have let him get into real trouble.
Not in Claw, or in the world, or ever. Because they were best friends. They were best friends and best friends did not let bad things happen to one another. They took care of each other…including teleporting away when you got caught being somewhere that you shouldn't have been. Shimazaki had grabbed his arm and then the world had fallen away…and that was never fun…but then it came back. It came back and Sho found himself…
In a tree?
"Fuck…sorry. Sorry. I should have been on that better just…sorry." said Shimazaki. He reached over and steadied Sho. They were in a tree. They were in a tree and…and this place was really dark. He could see some fairy lights around a path and…and some other trees…and the moon…and even a few stars. But it was mostly dark. It was so dark that he could barely see Shimazaki in front of him. Maybe because, aside from his orange shirt, he was dressed in all black. Sho could sense him, though, there in the tree with him…
But he knew that Shimazaki could sense him better.
He steadied Sho. He knew that Sho had been about to fall out and he had steadied him…even though he knew that Sho had powers too. They could both carry themselves with telekinesis if they needed to…and Sho was pretty good at it…but Shimazaki had still reached out and steadied him. His hand was over Sho's heart and he must have been able to feel it beating like that…and he must have been able to feel Sho breathing the way he was breathing…and he was so close to his stomach that he must have been able to feel the goldfish too…but he didn't say anything. He just kept Sho steady and…and he may not have known how Sho was feeling but he must have known that he didn't have to do that…but it was still nice of him…
He was a good friend like that.
"It's…it's ok. I'm fine. Why the hell did you even bring us here for anyway?" asked Sho. He shook Shimazaki's hand off of his chest even though he wanted to keep it there for the rest of his life until their skin grew together and they turned into conjoined twins like in that movie.
"Because…I don't know. I like this place I guess. I like nature like…like it's there and it's alive…and it reminds me of Toshi…but not because of that. I came here before I even knew Toshi. I guess I like to think…or something. I mean I like the woods and all…and I like this…and this is kind of like the woods but nobody left me to die here. I would never leave you to die, by the way, because you're like…my kid...and stuff. I mean not my kid, pretty sure I never slept with your mom, but like…you're a kid that I take care of and shit." Said Shimazaki. Sho leaned back and tried to line up a kick in the darkness. No way. He stopped listening after the part about mom.
Nobody talked about his mom like that. Not even his best friend…or especially not his best friend.
"Gross. Don't talk about my mom like that." Said Sho. He kicked Shimazaki and managed to make contact with his leg…and he didn't put up a barrier or anything. He just sat there and took it. Shimazaki…he must have been really out of it…or he just realized that you weren't supposed to talk about people's moms like that. Either option was good.
"Sorry." said Shimazaki. That was all he could say…and that was so…weird! Shimazaki…even when he was high he just…well he said sorry to Sho but…but he had been weird enough tonight that even that 'sorry' was just…too much weirdness at once! Way too much!
"And don't say 'sorry' so often. It's weird hearing that from you. You don't day sorry to people. You tell them to go to hell…and stuff." Said Sho
"I never tell the people I care about to go to hell because I don't want the people I care about to go to hell. I've never been to hell…well I've come close…like the last time I did this…but you're here and you won't let that happen to me. I know that you won't…well Toshi said that they wouldn't…but they were in the middle of a really bad trip too…and that's why they don't like shrooms and acid and shit…so maybe I fucked up…maybe Toshi was right…maybe Toshi is always right…maybe I should start thinking about the stuff I do…and maybe I shouldn't be so afraid not to feel anything…and maybe I should handle my shit better and…and maybe I've been living in one long today for the past like ten years or something and…and shit…Toshi's smarter than me of course they're right." Said Shimazaki
"…will you shut up about Minegishi already?" asked Sho. He wanted to kick Shimazaki out of that tree. He knew that Shimazaki liked Minegishi. He knew that Minegishi liked them back. He knew that Shimazaki and Minegishi had what boys and girls, or boys and people who were born girls but weren't anymore, were supposed to have…and he knew that it was just…it wasn't fair! Why did they get to be in love with him and have him in love with them and why did it have to be ok for them and….and it hurt. Hearing him talk about it…he knew it to be true but…but the whole thing was like…like a papercut. Like it hurt when he touched it and thought about it…and also this was something that not even Fukuda could fix…and he wanted Fukuda to fix this….to do something about his stupid heart and the stupid goldfish in his stomach….but there was nothing that he could do…nothing that he or anyone else could do…
Sho would have to just…deal with it himself…even though it was the worst feeling in the world.
"I can't. It's like…they're always in my head and shit and…and yeah. I'm making you feel like crap. Sorry. That's not what I wanted to do. That's not what we're here for." Said Shimazaki
"What are we here for then?" asked Sho quietly. He reached over and bent the tree branch under his hand. There was a thin branch, there, a baby branch…and he bent it…even though Minegishi was always saying that plants had feelings too….he bent it as far back as he could…and then he let it go.
And then it hit him in the face.
"I have no clue. Like…ok. I know that I'm here because my dad needed another Shimazaki to carry on our proud yakuza tradition or whatever but it's like…if that's what I'm here for then why was I born like this? I can't help it. I can't help the way I am and…well it's like it doesn't matter because I have my powers but like…shit. Why even give me powers in the first place? You know? When I was a kid I wanted to be normal and….and it's like…I wanted to be normal because I spent so many years wanting to be what that bastard wanted me to be…to have a purpose I guess…to be less useless than I am…and it's like…fuck. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why any of us are here." Said Shimazaki
"I meant 'why are we in this tree?' not 'why did our dads make us?' because there's no point in asking why our dads made us. That's just what you're supposed to do when you grow up. You find some girl and then you have kids with her. That's just how growing up works." Said Sho
"Fuck…do you think that's what I'm doing? Like…am I only with Toshi because…like they keep on saying. Am I trying to redo my life but make it better? Like…when I'm with you my main thought is 'how do I make this kid's life better' and shit….because your life is shitty in a lot of the ways that my life was shitty….and I don't want either of us to have shitty lives…so is that what I'm doing? Am I just doing what I think that I'm supposed to be doing?" asked Shimazaki
"I don't know. Maybe? I mean aren't you supposed to do what you have to do…but you…you're Shimazaki. You do whatever you want to do." Said Sho
"Yeah! You're right! I'm in this tree and…and I want to be in this tree! Yeah! This is my tree and I want to be in here and…and that's what I'm going to do!" said Shimazaki
"Ok…cool. Want to hang upside down and pretend that we're possums? You like to do that..." Said Sho
"That would be so fucking awesome. You're so fucking awesome. You're the most awesome person that I have ever met, Sho, you know that? You're so cool for a kid. Wish I'd known someone like you when I had been your age." Said Shimazaki
"Really?" asked Sho. It took him a second to get that word out. It was one word but…but he didn't have any words. He knew that Shimazaki thought that he was cool…he had known for a while since they were best friends and all…but for him to just come out and say it…the whole thing was…it was enough to make him think that maybe he was going to die from his heart beating too fast or his lungs moving too slow…or maybe his soul was just going to climb up out of his body and go to wherever souls went when they passed on…and stuff…
"Really. Like, if I had been your age…but I'm not your age because you're eleven and it's not nineteen ninety six…and remind me that it's not nineteen ninety six every so often…but if I had been your age then we totally would have been friends. I mean your dad would have done business with the family…probably a lot of it since the nineties sucked financially and culturally too but not for cultural reasons…and we would have been friends. Best friends." Said Shimazaki
"Um…do you ever think that…I mean we would have been just friends…right?" asked Sho. There were two Sho's arguing in his head now. One of the Sho's told him that he was a moron and the other Sho told him that he needed to know for important reasons that would come to him later. Both Sho's had equally good points and…and he decided to listen to the second Sho…since it wasn't like he just came out and asked Shimazaki if they would have been….together…like boyfriend and boyfriend…he just asked if they would have been more than friends…which could mean best friends…
And also Shimazaki was super high so he probably wasn't thinking too much about it…and he had just flipped upside down too…so maybe he wasn't going to be doing a lot of thinking for a long while.
"Probably not. If we'd been the same age then, knowing myself back then…what year is it? How old am I?" asked Shimazaki. Sho…he hung upside down too. He hung upside down and maybe…maybe if all the blood rushed to his head then none would be in his heart and then it wouldn't be hurting as much as it was now…since Shimazaki had just said that they wouldn't have been more than friends and…
And the smart Sho in his head wondered what he had been expecting Shimazaki to say.
He knew what he wanted Shimazaki to say. He wanted Shimazaki to say that they totally would have been boyfriends and it would have been just like how things were now but only with kissing and handholding and maybe all of that other stuff that came later…and also no Minegishi because he never would have met them…and also maybe dad would have been nicer because…reasons….but he knew that what he wanted to happen and what would have happened were two very different happenings…and he knew that he shouldn't have expected Shimazaki to say anything else aside from what would have happened…
And he also knew that he was expected to say something too.
"You're thirty one and it's-" said Sho
"Thirty one. Cool. And you're still eleven." Said Shimazaki
"I will be in a month." Said Sho. He was still ten. Next month would be his birthday and then…and then maybe dad would remember it…not that he cared if dad remembered his birthday or not…and not that he even knew why he was thinking about dad and whether or not he was planning on forgetting his birthday again. It didn't matter if dad forgot his birthday. Shimazaki would remember. He would remember because he got it tattooed on his arm. 12-1. There was no way that he would ever forget even if he couldn't see it.
"Well you aren't eleven now and that's what matters….and I won't be answering that question since I know that it'll just hurt you…or give you hope…or whatever. I mean, yeah, I know myself at eleven and I know that if someone gave me the time of day then they could give me whatever else they wanted to…which now that I look back at it was pretty fucked up. Like…you can't use love to get sex and you can't use sex to get love and I was your age…well older…when I learned to separate the two…but yeah…just…what was I on about?" asked Shimazaki
"Not sex! Gross!" said Sho. No way! He was never doing that…not until he grew up and he had to. Adults were so gross sometimes. He didn't know why anyone would want to do something like that with someone else. Well he could sort of get wanting to see someone naked…not that he ever thought about Shimazaki like that! And not that he ever saw other guys and thought about…stuff…because that was gross too! And not in the good way!
"Right. Not sex. Love? No….I don't think that I believed in love back then…how old are you?" asked Shimazaki
"Ten and eleven months." Said Sho. He wasn't eleven, not really, and that month….well he knew that a month wasn't very long…but it felt like it. One month felt like a long time….and so did one year…and so did the twenty years that separated him and Shimazaki…more so than normal, anyway.
"Right. Ok, so I still believed in love back then and it was like…I guess that I just wanted someone to love me…and I guess that I still want that…and I have it…and it should be enough but…love is like heroin, you know? You never have enough…and also when you do have it all you can think about is getting more…or maybe it's more like meth….I told you not to do heroin or meth right?" asked Shimazaki
"Yes." said Sho. He felt dizzy like he had been spinning around for a while…maybe because they had just been talking about this on the beach. Sho knew that he hadn't imagined it because he could feel the sand and water dripping down from him as he hung upside down like a wet and cold possum. It was less cold here, they were far from the water, but he felt like they were right back on that beach…and he didn't want to go in circles. He didn't care where they went just so long as it wasn't in circles…but Shimazaki wanted to go in circles…for some reason.
"Good…don't do those totally awesome things because they'll ruin your life…and you don't want to ruin your life. That's why I'm here, because I ruined my fucking life." Said Shimazaki. Sho, if he hadn't been hanging upside down like a possum, would have kicked him like a kangaroo. Like that time they had tried to ride in that kangaroo's pouch and she kicked them a lot…also they had very sharp claws…and he would have done that to Shimazaki if he could!
Because he was not a life ruiner!
Dad had said…he had said…well he'd been mad when he'd said it…but he'd said that his life would have been better without Sho…well he said that his life would have been better if Sho had been someone else…and then he'd picked him up and thrown him into the wall so hard he hadn't been able to breathe…but what dad had said….it had been worse than the wall and…
And Shimazaki…he loved Shimazaki and…and someone he loved had said…someone he loved more than anyone else in the whole world…had said…that….
"Hey! This is a fun tree and….and you didn't ruin your life! We have fun together and…and you even said it! If we have fun together then…then life is good!" said Sho
"Yeah! You're right! Life is good! I have you and I have Toshi and, yeah, Claw is completely fucking insane but I love it! And I didn't ruin my life! I lived it on my own terms! Like now! This is my tree! This tree is mine and mine alone…but you can come in too…no one I think is in my tree…I mean it must be high or low…" said Shimazaki. Sho…he had never been so happy in his entire life. Shimazaki…well of course he hadn't meant it. He was just high. He didn't know what he was saying when he was high…and also…also Sho…well this tree was high and he had a lot of blood in his head now…and that was why…why he couldn't think of anything to say to that…anything besides 'Ryou, I love you' so…so maybe just…
Say the only other thing that came to mind.
"That is you can't, you know, tune in-" said Sho
"But it's all right." Said Shimazaki
"That is, I think, it's not too bad." Said Sho. Shimazaki was smiling at him. Sho's eyes had adjusted to the light and his aura had finally adjusted to Shimazaki's and…and he could tell hat he had made Shimazaki smile…and knowing that Shimazaki was smiling…well it was enough to make him smile and…and he felt like his heart was going to explode and the goldfish in his stomach was going to swim out through his bellybutton…but it was a good feeling…
Shimazaki…even when he was like this….could make Sho feel like this…feel so…happy…
"Heh…so I did teach you about music." Said Shimazaki. He was happy and Sho…he had to calm down. He swung himself up so that he was sitting and the blood could go down from his head. That must have been it. He had just had too much blood in his head and it had been making him think…thoughts…about things…and stuff. That was all.
"You did, and I listened. I listen to everything that you tell me…even if it doesn't make any sense." Said Sho. Shimazaki was still upside down….and maybe that was why he had been making less sense than normal. Maybe they needed to go some other place. Maybe they needed to go to a place where they could be upside up…and also dry…and warm…and also a place where the goldfish in Sho's stomach could just…knock it the hell off already!
"What doesn't make any sense?" asked Shimazaki
"Why we're in this tree." Said Sho
"Well where would you rather be? Trees are awesome. Toshi says-" said Shimazaki
"I'm not Minegishi." Said Sho
"Right…right. You like…you like trees! We climb them all the time! You like…what else do you like…dogs! You like dogs! Come on, let's find some dogs!" said Shimazaki
"But I don't think that anyone is going to be at the…park." Said Sho. Shimazaki had grabbed him and before he could think he was somewhere else. Somewhere warmer…somewhere just as dark but warm and it smelled like…he knew that smell…
It smelled like animals.
It smelled like dogs in there…and that was because this was an animal shelter. Shimazaki had brought him to an animal shelter and…and he expected…he had been stupid all night and he was still being stupid. The part of him, the stupid part, well he was all stupid parts…so all of him expected to see mom. Part of him expected to be really little and to see mom coming through the door with a kitten or a puppy and…and big sis would have been there too and…and then they would have petted the puppy and made friends with it and…and they would have helped feed and water and groom the animals and…and it would have been fun but…
He was ten years and eleven months old. Those times were over now.
"Fuck…stop it. Stop being upset. You like dogs and I like dogs and…and nobody can be upset when there are dogs around! So come on! Let's play with these dogs!" said Shimazaki. Sho wiped his eyes. He hated it when this happened. Sometimes they just decided to cry without telling him. Sometimes he just…got sad…and he didn't even know it…or want to know it…and now Shimazaki knew that he was sad but…well he knew that Shimazaki would never have made fun of him…but still. Shimazaki had seen him sad.
But then again he had seen Shimazaki…like this…so maybe that made them even.
"Sorry I was just…my mom used to work at an animal shelter and she'd bring me and big sis with her to work sometimes and…and stuff. Like on our birthdays…but then she got sick…and she slept all the time…and then she left and…and don't tell my dad that I was talking about my mom!" said Sho. Shimazaki was his friend and he knew that he would never sell him out to dad but…well Fukuda was more than his best friend, sort of like his dad if his dad hadn't been born an asshole, and he'd betrayed Sho…so that meant that anyone aside from big sis and little sis could betray him…and he didn't know what he would do if Shimazaki betrayed him…
Probably cry again like a little kid.
"You know I won't. I don't have anything to say to that bastard…and anyway I'm sorry. I didn't know about your mom….I am such a fuckup….I'm a useless fuckup and I shouldn't even be here…I shouldn't be thirty one…I should be your age…and I should be dead in the woods…and I should have been drowned and…and I made you upset and I can't do anything right and-" said Shimazaki. Sho….well not he wanted to cry again but for a different reason. Shimazaki saying stuff like this was just as bad as…as him saying stuff like this about Sho…it felt like. Maybe because they were best friends. Maybe because he was in love with him. Maybe because every single time he had ever seen Sho feeling down he had gone out of his way to pick him back up…and now Sho had to be the one to pick him back up again…even though he was a lot bigger and heavier than Sho…
But Sho…well he had to try.
"Shut up! Just….stop talking about yourself like that! I never said anything like that about you and I never will say anything like that about you so…so stop saying stuff like that about yourself! You know….fuck you! Fuck you for saying that kind of shit about yourself! Don't you know…don't you know that…that that's what he wants you to think! He wants you to think that you're stupid and useless and that you never should have been born and that you were born wrong….but you weren't! You're Shimazaki Ryou and you're my best friend and I love-I care about you more than I could ever say! So just…stop talking like that!" said Sho. That had come out meaner than he had wanted it too…but he hadn't been able to help it. The words had just all started coming out and…and he hadn't been able to stop them. He hadn't been able to stop them until they had all come out and said what they had to say. Sort of like the time he had gone on the spinning teacups at Disney after eating all of those big churros and then when he went to tell big sis that he had been feeling sick he had ended up throwing up all over her on accident…
That was what this was. Word throw up.
"…what in the hell…fine. Ok, ok. I'll stop…and you stop too. You're getting the dogs all riled up." Said Shimazaki. He looked like he had just been thrown up on….and Sho hadn't meant to…and he just…they were looking at each other now. Well he was looking at Shimazaki, anyway, Shimazaki was looking all around with his aura…mostly at the dogs….and they were baring now and trying to get out of their cages…and they wanted to play….
And Sho wanted to play with them.
"…want to play with them?" asked Sho. They needed to do something and that was something…unless Shimazaki felt like getting sad again. That would have sucked. He'd had a dog but when he'd been a kid he had fed it too much cake and cookies and stuff, but not chocolate because he had been smarter than that, and then it had gotten dog diabetes and died…and Sho really hoped that he didn't start remembering that too because he didn't know how much more of this he could take.
He was the sad one. There couldn't be two sad ones because that would have just been too many sad ones…and Shimazaki hated sad people anyway.
"Fuck yeah!" said Shimazaki. She let out a breath that he hadn't realized that he'd be holding. Shimazaki was ok…and that meant that he could be ok…not that he was never not ok. He was always ok…he was just…more ok now than he had been before. That was all. He was ok and…and he was still wet and cold but…well now there were dogs that he could play with and that was ok. This was still going to be a good night. They were away from trees and the ocean and they were with dogs and…and it didn't what they were with….
It only mattered, to Sho, who he was with…and he was with Shimazaki…and he trusted him more than anyone else in the whole world who wasn't his sister…
Even if he had been acting kind of crazy all night.