Chapter 8

The detectives returned to the precinct just in time to find Novak and Huang packing up their files and preparing to leave.

"Where's David?" Stabler asked sharply.

"He was exhausted and wanted to go home and get some sleep, so we had a uniform take him about 10 minutes ago," Novak said.

"He shouldn't be left alone. We found some things in Justin's room that indicate a dangerous obsession. It looks like Justin's either been having David followed or doing it himself for a couple of years. There's a scrapbook with pictures of David that are several years old even though Justin only started at Elmhurst this year."

"Cragen ordered a car put outside the building until you got clear to take over. Let me see what you've got and maybe I can persuade him to dip into that overtime budget."

"Thanks, Casey. We really appreciate it. There's a lot we need to sift through here, but I'm not going to risk leaving David unprotected to do it."

Novak looked at him sharply. "If we're going to nail this bastard, I need to protect my star witness. And once Cragen sees this," she added, indicating the scrapbook she had been leafing through, "I'm sure he'll agree the overtime is warranted."

"Before I dive into this new evidence, I've got something for you, Detectives," Huang said.

"What is it?" Benson asked.

"I sat in on Casey's interview with David and I think it's very possible from some of the things he said that whatever drug Justin gave him triggered a disassociative break. I believe the reason for David's apparently consensual behavior at the party is that it wasn't 21 year old David at the party; it was the 12 or 13 year old David who had been trained to do whatever he was told with a smile on his face no matter what it was or how much it hurt. He would have been too afraid to resist or to ask for it to stop even if he'd been told he was allowed to for fear of being punished. If I'm right, there's absolutely no way he would have been able to say no to what was being done to him."

"So what does that do for us legally?" Stabler asked.

"Not much, I'm afraid," Novak said. "I don't think we'd get away with attempting to say it's statutory rape because he had the mind of a 12 or 13 year old at the time it was happening. And trying to argue some kind of diminished capacity on his part that should have been evident to the guys at the party - it's dicey. I'm willing to talk to my boss and try to come up with something if you really want to push it, but I don't think it's going to help us legally."

"Well, it helps me," Stabler said. "His behavior at the party is the one thing that's been gnawing at me, making me doubt him. That stops now."

David Gallagher followed Officer Johnson into his apartment and stood by the door while the officer did a quick check of all the rooms, then gave him back his key, said good night and walked out. David closed and locked the door behind the man and put on the security chain, then turned and scanned the room nervously again. He dropped his backpack on the chair by his desk and rubbed his weary eyes, trying to decide if he had the energy to do any more studying or if he should simply go to bed.

He heard a muffled ringing sound and fumbled in the backpack for the cellphone Novak had given him since he didn't have one of his own. She'd said it was to make sure they could reach him at all times, but it reassured him to know he would be able to reach someone quickly if there was a problem. Novak had programmed her own cellphone number, as well as Stabler's and Benson's into it. Although it was only a temporary loaner, the phone was a small reassurance in a sea of confusion and uncertainty.

David quickly pulled the phone out of the side pocket of the backpack and frowned when he realized it wasn't ringing. He followed the ringing into his bedroom and realized the sound was coming from the phone on his bedside table. It had no answering machine or caller ID unit attached, so there was no way to know who was at the other end of that insistent ringing. It might be Jessica or one of his other friends. Or it might be Justin again.

Gallagher stood beside the phone for a long moment before finally reaching his hand out tentatively to pick it up. "Hello," his voice sounded small and frightened even to himself.

"David! Thank God! Why haven't you returned my calls? We need to talk about what's been going on. What those nazi cops are trying to do to us."

Gallagher's heart thudded wildly in his chest and his mouth went dry when he heard Justin's voice come through the receiver. He swallowed painfully and forced himself to say, "We don't have anything to talk about, Justin. Not after what you did to me. How could you do that? How could you ever think I'd want you to do it? I told you I didn't want to go to that party. I told you I had papers to work on. Why did you do it?"

Justin was silent for a long moment and when he finally spoke again his voice was tight with hurt and anger. "It must be nice to have such a convenient memory, David. Only remembering the things you want to remember. I didn't do anything to you. Everything that happened that night happened because we both wanted it to. Everything. You have no right to blame me, to have me arrested for God's sake, just to save your own ass.

"I tried to protect you. I even told the Dean I drugged you to keep him from expelling you! How can you do this to me after I put everything on the line for you? You told me you loved me and I believed you. Was it all a lie? Why are you doing this to me? All I ever wanted was for us to be together."

Gallagher felt a surge of fear course through him. Justin was so convincing. He sounded so sincere. Could it really be true?

"No!" his voice was a little shaky but he put as much power behind the word as he could. "I don't believe you, Justin. You're lying. I never would have agreed to do that. Never. Not after all those times . . . ."

David sucked in a deep breath to keep his voice from breaking. Despite his suspicions that Justin had also been abused as a child, he hadn't shared his dark past with the redhead yet, and he didn't intend to start now. "I don't believe you, Justin. I won't believe your lies. Now stop calling me and leave me alone. Ms. Novak has filed for a restraining order. If you don't stop bothering me, they're going to arrest you and put you in jail."

He heard what sounded like a sob at the other end of the line. "I love you, David. I've always loved you. How can you do this to me after everything I've done for you. Everything I've done to protect you. He wanted to hurt you again, but I stopped him."

"What are you talking about?" David asked, feeling the knot of fear tighten in his chest.

"It doesn't matter now. You're a liar just like all the rest of them. You were just using me, just playing with me all along, weren't you? Did you have a good laugh at my expense? Stupid, pathetic Justin always following you around like a devoted puppy. Willing to do anything you wanted just so you'd give me a few minutes of your precious time and attention. I'll bet you and Nick and Jess had hours of fun laughing at me.

"But I don't care. I don't care what you say or what you think, because everything I ever did I did because I love you. Because I understand better than anyone else ever could what your life was like. How no matter how badly they hurt your body, it hurt even more inside. How that pain never goes away no matter what you try to do to make it better. I know what it was like, David, because it happened to me too.

"It took meeting you for me to realize I'd been looking in all the wrong places to make that pain go away. I kept wanting other people, normal people to love me, to accept me when they never could. When they could never really understand how it feels to be like us. To have survived what we survived.

"I mess things up all the time. I don't know how to be like other people. Please help me, David! I can't do it alone. I didn't mean to hurt you. I really didn't. I joined the fraternity because being with the guys, being part of the group, made me feel, just for a little while, like somebody really wanted me, really cared about me, that I belonged somewhere, that I was special. I wanted you to feel that way too.

"I realize now that was a mistake, that those guys are just like all the others, that all they cared about was our bodies. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me, David. I can't stand the thought of you hating me."

David could hear Justin crying at the other end of the line and he choked back his own tears as he struggled with the right thing to do. Finally, he took a deep, calming breath and said, "Justin, I'm sorry for everything you've been through and I don't want to hurt you any more, but I don't love you. I'd like us to be friends. It would be good to have somebody to talk to who understands what it was like and I'd like to be there for you to help you through it too. But as friends. Not anything else."

"No! I'm not going to let you do this to me. We belong together, David. We've always belonged together. It was fate. That first time we met it was fate. It took me awhile to understand that, to realize why that happened the way it happened, but it was a sign. I'll make you see it! I'll make you understand! You just have to listen to me!"

"No, Justin! No more! If you won't listen to reason, there's nothing more to talk about. I'm going to the hearing in the morning and testifying, and I won't withdraw the complaint I filed against you. This has to end. If you won't do it the easy way, then I'll have to do it the hard way. Don't call me any more. Don't try to talk to me any more. Just stay away from me! Do you understand?"

"No, David! Stop saying things like that! It's that cop who's putting all this crazy shit in your head. He's the one who put you up to this, isn't he? I could tell from the way he was acting at the police station and at the hospital, the way he's been doing everything in his power to keep us apart. Can't you see he's just like all the others. He just wants you for himself. He's trying to keep us apart because he knows I see what he is. That I see he's just like the others. And he knows I'm not going to let him hurt you, so he wants me out of the way. Why can't you see that? How can you be so blind?"

"Stop it, Justin! Just stop! Elliot would never hurt me. He's got a family, he's got kids of his own. He'd never do anything like that!"

Justin laughed bitterly, "It must be nice in that dreamworld you live in, David - all bright fluffy clouds, eternal sunshine and cute little cotton-tail bunnies. Are you really going to tell me all those times, all those men, there was never a time you looked over and saw a ring on the hand holding you down. You think none of them had kids of their own? They probably just weren't old enough to be any fun yet!"

Tears were streaming down David's face and his hands were trembling so badly he could barely hold the phone. "I'm hanging up now, Justin. Don't call me any more. I mean it."

"FUCK YOU, you stupid shit! I don't need you! You're the one who'll be crawling back to me! Just wait and see!" Justin roared into the phone before slamming the receiver down at his end.

David's hands were shaking badly as he returned the receiver to its cradle, then leaned over and unplugged the phone. He clutched the cellphone in his hand wanting desperately to call someone, but knowing they'd be angry at him for talking to Justin in the first place. The pain inside him, the one only Justin understood, was aching so badly he just wanted to lay down and die, to have it all end once and for all.

Finally, he sank down on the bed with the phone still clutched in his hand and curled up in a little ball as he dragged the comforter from the end of the bed and wrapped it around himself as tightly as he could. He didn't expect to sleep but his eyes slid shut as soon as his head hit the pillow.