Friday December 05, 2005

Dear Angel of Music,

I have not written to you for half a year now! The reason being, that I have not had the need to. Now, I fear the only way I'll be able to sort out my feelings, is if I put them down on paper. I've gotten over the pathetic crush on Jake. But there's someone else now.

His name is Nikie Vevlen. He is… I can't even describe him. The weird thing is that this time, this crush, is different. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he's my friend, and all the other boys I've liked were really only acquaintances. But then again, maybe it doesn't. It's like this: With all the other boys I've liked, I would obsess over them for about a day or too, and then calm down about it, and just be like, okay, I like him. When I thought about what I would like it to be like between the boy and I, I kind of just imagined us hanging out together, and maybe holding hands. (Fingers not entwined.)

This time, when ever I am around him, I have urges to throw my arms around him and kiss him. (I don't of course.) I obsess over him endlessly and constantly, and I think about him relentlessly. The thing is that I can't stop myself from thinking about him. My theory is that my obsessive brain elf has become a tyrant, and is taking over my mind.

D.J. and I talked on the phone the other night, she gave me tips on how to get a guy. I swear there should be a class in school on this stuff! The notes I took covered the front and back of the loose leaf paper! After that, I folded up the paper, and stuck it under the heel of the sole in my right sneaker. I plan on keeping it there in case I ever need it. Then I can just run to the bathroom, and pull it out.

Tomorrow is the Battle of the Bands at my school, and Nikie is in it. I'm going of course, why miss the chance to stare at him the whole night without having to come up with an excuse? The worst part of it is that I can't tell him. If I do, he is the kind of guy who will freak out and avoid me for the rest of the year. And even if he doesn't, our friendship will be ruined if he doesn't like me, and if he does, well, we'll have to break up eventually, right? And then our friendship will be ruined. So either way I can't win.

I think I am either going mad, or I'm deeply in love, or both. I have got to end this somehow. I can't go on living like this. I'll go even more insane than I already am! I can't concentrate in class, I'm forgetting projects and tests until I realize the night before, and I can never put my full attention on anything, because he's always there in the back of my mind. His face is constantly in my mind's eye, swimming in and out of focus. His voice repeats itself over and over again

Every night I go to bed, feeling the aching pain in my chest, the ache that I fear will never go away. It is the ache of my longing to come out of my shell and reveal to him the truth. I play little scenarios over and over again in my head, all the while knowing, deep inside, that they can never come true.

Help! Is this love, obsession, or just a crush? What's wrong with me? My grades are slipping, my friends are starting to get annoyed, and my life is getting to confusing to handle. How am I supposed to get rid of this obsession, or whatever it is? Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggg! What do I do? How do I deal with this creature that's invading my mind? It's unbearable, and I'm becoming unbearable because of it! I WON'T STAND FOR THIS INSUFFERABLE MOCCERY OF THE MIND ANY MORE! I have to find some way, ANY way to get rid of it. OH HELP!

Thursday January 12, 2006

Mmmm… He is so wonderful. He has his flaws, it's true, but over all he is a magnificent person. Yes, he's got a bad haircut, and it's true, he is quite weird, he can't sing but he thinks he can, he's a tiny bit chubby, and kind of loud, but I appreciate and admire these things about him, because they make him who he is. I think that if he didn't have these flaws, he would be perfect; perfectly boring. I am glad he's not perfect. Because if he were, he'd be too… well, perfect. And I don't think I would like him very much…

Sigh He is so overwhelming. His deep, penetrating eyes, his wild smile, his air guitar, his perfect lips… I have got to stop this! All the same, although I had thought they had stopped, today the urges must have started again. Two or three times at lunch today I had the urge to lean forward capture his lips in mine. He seems to put his face close to mine often whether it's because we're giving each other playful evil looks, or having a staring contest, it seems like his face ends up only a few inches from my nose at least once a day now. And every time that happens, I have this overpowering urge to kiss him, which many a time I have almost given in to.

Oh! What am I to do? I'm not strong like alex, but I guess her situation isn't quite as hard, because she doesn't see her certain person every day, and he lives far away from here. She only sees him at camp. But maybe that's worse. I wouldn't know, I've never been in that situation. Oh help!

As you may be able to tell, the name of the boy is scrambled. If you can figure out what it actually is, and you review with constructive criticism and put your guess at the top, I will put u in as a guest star. Also, if you would like to be a guest star, please add in the review what you would like to look like, what I should call you in it, and any other details you would like me to put in.

I am actually in the situation that this chapter is about, and all of it is true. If you have any suggestions for me, please review and tell me, because it's getting to be ridiculous already. Thank you so much!

Sarah/Q – Star Trek the Next Generation