Chapter 15
Stabler's cellphone chirped insistently. Irritated at the interruption, he pulled it out of his pocket and snapped into it, "Stabler."
"Elliot?" The voice was soft and hesitant but he knew immediately who it was.
"Hi, David. How are you?"
"I'm good. I was released from the hospital yesterday. Jess is throwing a little homecoming party and we were wondering if you and Olivia had time to stop by for a little while." He hesitated for a moment, "It's been awhile since we've seen you and we wanted another chance to say thanks for everything you did."
Stabler felt guilt nibbling at his conscience but pushed it away. He'd gone to the hospital for short visits twice more after David's confession but had decided it was in everyone's best interest to distance himself from the situation. Unfortunately the distance hadn't helped him any. He'd spent several sleepless nights watching the copy of the video he'd taken from Gert, not to see the sex acts being performed, but to look at the faces of the men waiting their turns. Examining the looks on their faces -- some bored or disinterested, but others wolfish and predatory, anticipating what they were about to do with something close to glee. Wondering how many of them had known or at least suspected something wasn't right, but had made the conscious decision to do nothing about it.
He found himself more and more often looking into the mirror -- trying to see if that same predatory expression was in his own eyes, if there really was a monster lurking inside him. Someone who hid despicable acts behind a smokescreen of kindness. Someone like Mike or Mitch or Kristian. David had believed it was possible, he'd had doubts. Maybe the boy's instincts were right. Maybe there really was something inside him that should be feared.
It had to be more than just his anger and frustration that had driven Kathy away. There had to be something else that had stolen his wife, his children, his family, the best part of his life from him, and along with them taken his peace of mind and his only sanctuary from the parade of horrors that polluted his every working day. It was sadly ironic that it had even almost cost him that job more than once. The therapy sessions seemed to be helping, but what if that was just a smokescreen too, an attempt to bury the monster that was surfacing inside him instead of killing it outright.
"It's nice of you to ask, David. But I'm pretty swamped right now. I'll ask Olivia if she can make it for both of us."
"I really wish you'd come Elliot. I'm . . . I'm really sorry for what I said at the hospital. I know you're mad at me because of it, but it was something I needed to say. Something I needed you to know. I really wish we could get together and talk about it. You've done so much for Jess and me, and we're really grateful for all your help. I don't want you to be mad at me."
Stabler sighed heavily and raised his other hand to his forehead to rub away the ache steadily gathering in his temple. "I'm not mad at you, David, and there's nothing to talk about. Everything is fine. I'm just really busy right now."
Gallagher was silent for a moment and his voice was raw with suppressed emotion when he finally spoke again. "Right. Sure. I can understand that. Sorry to bother you. Bye."
Stabler stood holding the phone with the dial tone buzzing in his ear for several long moments, before finally shutting it off.
Olivia Benson knocked on the apartment door and smiled brightly when it was opened.
"Olivia! Thank you so much for coming," Jessica said with a bright smile of her own as she accepted the bottle of wine the detective offered. "David is going to be so happy you made it. I'm making pasta and meatballs. I hope that's okay with you?"
"That sounds great."
"Hi, Jessica."
The girl's eyes widened in surprise as she saw Elliot Stabler standing a few feet back in the hallway clutching a bouquet of flowers and looking distinctly uncomfortable.
"Elliot! This is a surprise. David said you couldn't make it. He'll be so happy to see you."
"I can't stay very long," the detective responded as he stepped forward and offered her the flowers, "but I wanted to stop by and see how both of you are doing." The truth was that Olivia had hammered him with guilt until he agreed to come, but the girl didn't need to know that.
Jessica's smile faltered a little but she said, "The doctors say full recovery is going to take awhile. He has a lot to deal with. He took Justin's death very hard. He knows there was no other choice, but it's eating at him that he couldn't figure a way to get Justin to surrender peacefully."
"He takes too much on himself," Stabler said quietly. "There was nothing he could have done. Justin was determined to kill them both. Nobody was going to change his mind."
"I know that and I think deep down inside David knows it too, but it doesn't make it any easier for him being the one left alive."
"Where is he?"
"He went up to the roof for a little while to think. The landlord is an amateur astronomer and keeps a telescope up there. David isn't all that interested in stargazing but he does like to go up there sometimes to clear his head. I'm not sure how long he plans to stay there, so you might want to go up now to see him if you really can't stay."
Elliot wanted to sigh in resignation, but restrained himself. "Okay. How do I get there?"
Stabler stepped out onto the roof and immediately saw the telescope set up in the center of the open space. Gallagher was nowhere in sight. He walked carefully around the astronomy equipment and circled to the left to begin a circuit of the roof. He found David on the other side lounging in a camp chair, his left arm now fully casted and cradled against him in a sling, using the small wall surrounding the roof as a footrest as he stared forlornly out over the city.
"Hi, David."
The young man looked up, startled; a look of surprise crossed his face before it finally settled into a cautious smile. "Elliot. You came after all."
"Yeah."
"I'm glad. Pull up a seat and make yourself comfortable."
"I can't stay long," Stabler said as he sat down in what he presumed to be Jessica's camp chair. "I've got a lot of work backed up and some personal things I need to deal with."
Stabler caught the look of disappointment that flickered briefly across the young man's face before his eyes were drawn to the faded bruising and discoloration on the left side of his face and the barely visible scar where the stitches had been.
"It was nice of you to make time to stop by. I appreciate it."
They sat silently for several minutes, neither one knowing what to say. Then they started speaking at the same time.
"Elliot, I'm really . . . ."
"David, I'm not mad . . . ."
They both laughed and it eased the tension a little.
"Okay, you're not mad," David said, "but what I said bothered you."
"Yes."
"I know you're not one of the monsters, Elliot. I know you'd never do anything to hurt me. I've always known it. Sometimes it's just really hard for me to let myself trust completely in people, to believe in them. I've been disappointed so many times before.
"I know everything Justin said about you was a lie to manipulate me into doing what he wanted, and I knew that as he was saying it. But when I got to the hotel it seemed so familiar and I had this terrible sense of deja vu, like something awful that had happened before was getting ready to happen all over again. It was like somebody reached into my brain and brought my deepest fears to life.
"I wanted to trust you so badly, but I was so scared. It seems like every time I've trusted anyone since my parents died, it's been a disaster. Mike seemed so nice when I first went to live with him and his wife, but then he turned into a monster. Kristian was really good to me for awhile, but then he just dumped me at the mall and walked away. Then I was sent back here and was told I had to live with the Spencers. After what happened with Mike, I refused to trust them. I kept waiting for the day they'd turn on me, but after awhile they broke through my defenses. I finally started to feel like we were a real family and I was a normal teenager again. Then one day their brakes failed, their car was broadsided by a tractor trailer and they were gone, just like my parents.
"When I walked into that hotel room, it felt like everything had come full circle and all the bad stuff that happened there nine years ago was happening all over again. And I didn't know how to stop it. I didn't mean to hurt you, Elliot. I really didn't. Sometimes it's just easier to believe the worst about people. Then it doesn't hurt as much when they disappoint you."
Stabler was silent for a moment, absorbing what the young man had said and trying to get his own scattered thoughts in order. "I understand where you're coming from, David. I do. I probably would have felt the same way if I'd been in your shoes.
"I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about what you said and why it's been bothering me so much. I don't know if you remember, but the first time we met, in the Dean's office, you thought I was Kristian and kept calling me by his name. When I found out who he was, what he'd done to you, it made me crazy. I couldn't stand the thought of you, or anyone else, mistaking me for someone who would abuse a helpless child like that.
"Elliot, I'm so sorry. I never meant for you to think that. I . . ."
"Don't be sorry, David. There's no reason for it, because what's going on with me isn't just because of you and what you said. It's something that's been building for a long time, for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with you.
"I've always seen myself as one of the good guys. A cop who puts himself on the line every day to protect the people he loves, to protect the innocent who can't fight for themselves. I've always been proud of that. Always been proud of who and what I was and what I stood for. So when you said that to me in the hospital, and I realized what Justin had done and that you'd believed it, it sent me into a tailspin, making me doubt all the things I'd always believed about the kind of person I am.
"I kept thinking about when I was growing up, how my father used to tell me I was a worthless screwup who would never amount to anything. He never forgave me for getting Kathy pregnant when we were so young, and no matter what I did to try and make up for the mistakes I'd made, it was never good enough. For years I've fought his ghost wanting to prove he was wrong. Wanting to be seen as the white knight who rides in and saves the day. But it seems like no matter how many bad guys I take down or put in jail there's a dozen more to take their place.
"I've spent my life fighting for justice but sometimes it seems like justice doesn't exist any more, so what have I wasted my life fighting for? Has it all been a waste? I think of all the times I missed my kids' plays, birthday parties, sporting events or just the chance to tuck them in bed at night to go that extra mile to catch some child molester or rapist only to have some hot shot lawyer get the case thrown out or pleaded down because of some legal technicality. Every time that happens I feel that knot of anger grow inside me. And I wonder why I bothered. If justice doesn't really exist any more why should I fight so hard for it?
"Then last year my wife of twenty years finally had enough; she took our four kids and left me. She said it's because I have anger management issues -- that there's this rage bottled up inside me that I can't seem to let go of or get under control. And she's right. It just sits there inside me, eating at my gut, poisoning all the good things I have in my life. And I can't seem to do anything about it. It just keeps building and building. A couple of months ago I lost control and almost killed my former partner when I caught him beating up his son. I was totally out of control and that scared the shit out of me. Made me wonder what else I might be capable of doing if I ever lost control like that again.
"There are lots of days I think how much easier it would be if we could just shoot the perps on sight and not waste so much time on all the legal bullshit. The scariest part is the idea has become so tempting, I'm afraid one day I might just try it. Then what kind of person, what kind of man will I be? Will I still be one of the good guys or just a different kind of monster."
David had listened silently, respectfully. He waited a moment before responding, "There were so many times while I was on the run with Mike and even after I came back that I just wanted my life to be over. It hurt too much to keep going, to keep getting out of bed every morning trying to pretend I was just like everybody else. I've been so afraid that what he did to me, what he let all the others do to me, infected me somehow, or broke something inside of me that can never be fixed. I keep waiting for the day when I turn into one of the monsters, just like them.
"That night at the hotel I realized the reason Justin was drawn to me is because I defied his father. He never saw anybody do that before. He thought it meant I was brave. But I wasn't brave, he was the brave one, the one who finally got the courage to kill Mitch. He didn't understand that I was being selfish, not brave -- the only reason I defied Mitch was because he was trying to force me to do something terrible, something that would make me just as big a monster as he was, and I would've rather died than be like him. I never want to be the kind of person who would hurt somebody else just for the fun of it, or even just to save his own neck.
"It sounds so noble when I say it out loud like that, but the real truth is, I was hurting so bad, I wanted to die to escape the pain, to escape that life. I knew Mitch would kill me for defying him and I comforted myself thinking that at least I'd die knowing I hadn't let them turn me into one of them. But Mike did something totally unexpected that surprised the hell out of me, and I'm still here, still alive.
"I've spent a lot of time wondering how and why that happened, but mostly I've spent the time struggling with my demons. Struggling with the fear of losing control, the terror of wondering if all the terrible things I saw and experienced are a time bomb ticking inside me, waiting to go off. It's been like that for a long time, with me just sitting around, waiting for the catalyst that would set me off.
"Then Justin came into my life. I didn't remember him at first, but even though I could tell he was trouble, I couldn't send him away. Something inside me recognized him as the little redheaded boy from the hotel nine years ago despite having buried that memory so deep I didn't even remember it had happened. I think subconsciously I wanted to see how he'd turned out to know if there was any hope for me.
Gallagher turned his intense blue eyes to Stabler, "And now I know the truth, Elliot. I know what I'm going to become. Justin came for me because he knows we're the same. We were forged in the fires of the same dark hell, and one day I'm going to snap just like he did and somebody is going to get hurt. I don't want that. I don't want to ever hurt anybody the way those men hurt me. I'd rather be dead. I wish . . . I wish you would have just let me die with him."
"Don't ever wish that, David," Stabler said emphatically. "You're not like Justin. Justin never had anything good in his life, he never knew what it was to be loved or to be happy. We found out from his uncle that the man who raised him, who claimed to be his father, wasn't his biological father. He met a girl, a runaway with a drug problem, who was pregnant and unmarried. He married her so he could claim the child as his own, and then one day she just disappeared -- although we can't prove it, there's a good chance he killed her.
"He was a pedophile all along and all he'd ever wanted was that child. Justin spent his entire life in that poisonous environment, never being loved or accepted, never being seen as good enough by the man who stole his life."
"I know Justin was the way he was because of his father, Elliot. Because of the horrible things his father did to him all those years. And I know there probably wasn't anything anybody could have done to fix him. That he was too far gone for anybody to save him. But sometimes I think the same thing is true of me - after all the terrible things I've seen and done and been part of, that I'm too far gone too, that it's too late for anybody to fix me either."
"You're not like Justin, David. Not even close. Do you want to know who you really are? Where you really come from?"
Gallagher looked over at him with haunted eyes.
Stabler reached into his pocket and pulled out a picture.
David took the picture and tears filled his eyes as he looked at the smiling, middle-aged couple standing next to a sign for a museum exhibit. The man held a small boy, whose face was stretched into delighted laughter while the woman had her arms loosely draped around both of them, with her forehead resting against the little boy's.
"That's who you are, that's where you come from -- Victor and Linda Gallagher -- two loving people who wanted nothing more than to have a child and to love him. And for seven years they poured all the love they had into raising you. All that love is still there inside you, David. You could never be like Justin. There's no dark place inside you for that evil to put down roots. Your parents made sure of that. They made sure you knew the difference between good and bad, the difference between right and wrong, and most importantly they made sure you know what it feels like to be loved.
"No one can ever take that away from you, David, not Mike, not Justin's father, not any of the other men who hurt you while you were away. Not even Justin. Because that's what he really wanted all along. He saw that light shining in you and he wanted it for himself. And he couldn't bear knowing that no matter what he did, no matter how much he tried to hurt you, to beat you down, to dominate you, that he could never steal that light from you. That he could never be you.
"Your parents loved you David, they still love you with all their hearts wherever their souls happen to be. Your heart knows that. That's why you saw your mother in that dream."
"I know." David held the picture clutched in his hand as he used his sleeve to wipe away a lingering tear. I know you probably think I'm crazy, Elliot, but, even though it wasn't true, I'm glad I told Justin I loved him. I'm glad he died believing somebody cared about him. Because that's all he ever really wanted -- somebody to love him.
"But I don't know what to do about me now. I'm really scared, Elliot. I love Jess so much it hurts inside. All I want is to touch her, to kiss her, to make love to her. I want it so bad sometimes, I can't even think straight. I thought when I finally told her the truth about me that she'd turn away, run as fast as she could in the other direction and never speak to me again. I couldn't believe it when she held me and told me it didn't matter. That she loved me no matter what.
"Even though I love her, I don't understand how she could possibly love me knowing all that, knowing what those people did to me. And as if that weren't already bad enough, now there's Justin and the party and all those guys. I can't forgive myself for letting that happen. How can she forgive it? It's too much to ask.
"And when I'm not worried about that, I worry that if I do let her in, let my guard down and allow myself to love her that something terrible will happen. That she'll die like my parents and the Spencers or one day she'll realize she made a mistake and leave me. Then what will I do? How could I go on?
"I keep thinking about Kristian. After my parents died, he was the only one who was ever kind to me, who ever gave a damn about me. When he heard what my life had been like the years before I met him, he was so upset. He said he wanted to make up for all the things I'd missed, so he took me to baseball games and to movies and to Disneyland. We had so much fun together. He said he loved me and never wanted to hurt me, he just wanted me to be happy. I started to let myself trust him and believe in him. Then, a couple of days before he was supposed to give me back to Mike, he told me he wasn't going to do it. I was so happy. I thought he meant he was going to take me with him, that he was going to keep on taking care of me and loving me and I'd never have to be scared or hurt or lonely again.
"When he told me what he was really planning, that he was going to leave me in the food court and call the police to come get me, I cried for hours. I was so afraid they'd send me back here, I'd be put into a foster home again and all the bad things that happened with Mike would happen all over again. I even begged him not to leave me. But he said he had a family back home and there was no way he could take me back there. That they'd never understand, they'd never forgive him. So he took me to the mall, bought me a bunch of clothes and some games and books to keep me occupied til the police got there, settled me at a table in the food court and just walked away.
"I was so angry with him. It took me a long time to understand the risk he took doing all that for me. Mike might have come after him for not giving me back, the police or some nosy bystander might have seen us in the mall and gotten suspicious because I was so upset. So many things could have gone wrong and he could have gotten arrested and lost his family for good. He took so many chances to save me and I was such an ungrateful jerk about it.
"I just don't know what to think or believe any more, Elliot. Dr. Wilcox keeps telling me Kristian was just as bad as Mike and the others, that he was a selfish bastard who didn't really love me. But if putting himself on the line for me like that wasn't love, what is? If I'm so wrong about that, how can I ever be sure of anyone else?"
"I can't pretend to understand what it was like for you when you were with Kristian, David. But I do know this. He said he never wanted to hurt you, but that didn't stop him from forcing himself on you every night, did it?"
The young man cast his eyes downward in embarrassment as Stabler continued, "Didn't that hurt you? And I'll bet the more fun the days were and the kinder he was to you and the more he said he loved you and didn't want to hurt you, the more you tried to pretend it didn't hurt when he shoved himself inside you every night. The more you pretended it was okay."
Another tear slid down David's cheek at the memory and he nodded reluctantly.
"If he really loved you, David, he wouldn't have just said he didn't want to hurt you, he wouldn't have done it. Period. He would have taken you to the police from the beginning and not kept you until he was forced to either turn you back over to your kidnapper or set you free. That's what love is -- letting go of someone you love instead of hurting them to fulfill your own selfish needs."
"Then shouldn't I send Jess away, Elliot? Can I really take the chance that someday I'll hurt her? I don't know how to love somebody without it hurting. Every time I think about it, think about having sex, all I can remember is the pain, the pain of being held down while Mike pushed himself inside me, telling me the whole time how beautiful I was and how much he loved me, everything he had to go through and to give up just to have me to himself. Then when I got older and he didn't want me any more, him telling me I was nothing and no one would ever want me for anything but my body. Then giving me away to perfect strangers like I was just some sex toy to be passed around and played with til they got bored.
"I close my eyes and have flashes of motel rooms, the backseats of cars, department store bathrooms, even the alley behind a bar one time -- a string of men using their bodies to hold me against beds, the seats of cars, bathroom stalls, walls. I can hear them grunting and moaning and all there is inside me is pain -- not just from the place where they're pushing inside me, but it aches all over from the top of my head to the tips of my fingers and toes. Everything just aches. And I don't know how to make it stop."
"David, I know it hurts, but you've taken the most important step. You've asked for help. Dr. Huang is helping you find a therapist who specializes in dealing with the type of abuse you suffered. You're not the only one who has ever gone through this. I've seen other abused kids who got help and were able to go on to lead pretty normal lives. To have wives and children and families, and to be happy despite everything they went through.
"What happened to you is never going to go away. You'll never forget it entirely. It will always be a part of who you are. But it wasn't your fault and it doesn't have to define you. It doesn't have to change who you are. That's your choice.
"And understand this, David. Choosing to hide from life instead of living it is your choice too, it's not something anyone else is making you do. And if you make that choice instead of fighting to have a real life for yourself, whether it's with Jessica or not, you're betraying your parents and letting the monsters win -- all those people who hurt you -- you're letting them win. Because that's what they want. They want that power over you, they want what they do to change who you are and to affect your life that completely. Don't let them have that power over you, David. Show them you're stronger than that. Show them you're the one with the power, not them."
"I want to try Elliot. I really do. I try to imagine my life without Jess in it, and I just can't. But I don't want to ever hurt her either."
"David, the one thing you really have to stop doing is treating Jessica like she's some delicate flower that's so easily crushed. She's a smart girl and she understands what she's getting into being with you. And she's a whole lot tougher than she looks. She knows it's not going to be easy for either of you and she's made the choice to try to make it work. She loves you, David. And you love her. If you just hold on to that, remember that, together you can make it through anything."
"Do you really think so?"
"I know so. At least that's the way it was for Kathy and me for a long, long time. I don't know how I let things get so screwed up between us."
"Isn't there anything you can do about it?"
Stabler leaned back in his chair thoughtfully. "I don't know. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I don't know if it's too late to fix it or not. I know I want to. I just don't know if she'd be willing to try again at this point. But I know there are things I need to fix about myself before I can even ask her to try.
"When we were interviewing people trying to figure out what had happened at the party, we spoke to your classics teacher. He said something I keep coming back to in my head. He said most people aren't either all good or all evil, but somewhere along the scale between the two. I've always been a black and white kind of guy - seeing things as either one or the other.
"I think that's why I had so much trouble dealing with Justin. Olivia and George Huang kept saying they thought he'd been abused, but I wasn't willing to see that. All I wanted to see was the abuser. And I wanted to nail him to the wall because of it. Maybe he pushed all my buttons the way he did because I was seeing myself in him. Seeing the guy who was completely out of control and throwing his life down the toilet. I don't know.
"I can tell you one thing though. If I'd been the one who shot him instead of Olivia, I don't think I'd be sitting here right now. That would have been the last straw that pushed me over the edge. Because there were so many times while we were dealing with him that I thought how much easier it would be if I could just pull out my gun and put a bullet right through his head. Knowing I was so cavalier about the thought of doing just that scares the hell out of me.
"So all I can do for now is keep going to my therapist to try and work this shit out. Then maybe some day soon I'll be able to let go of that big ball of anger in the pit of my stomach and accept that I'm just a normal human being with flaws and weaknesses just like everybody else, and that's okay -- that a little gray in my life isn't necessarily a bad thing. And then maybe I can go back to Kathy and show her that I've made the effort to change, to be the man, the husband, the father she and the kids need me to be. Then it'll be up to her whether she's willing to take another chance on me."
"She'd be stupid not to."
"I like to think so, but we'll see."
"Elliot."
"Yeah."
"It's been really great talking with you like this."
"Yeah? You too."
"Does that mean you're not upset with me anymore?"
"I was never really upset with you in the first place, David. I was upset with me. With the stupid choices I've been making and the way I've been screwing up my life. What you said made me look long and hard at what I was doing and how much of it is my own damn fault, and that can be a scary thing to face."
"Does that mean we can be friends now?" the young man asked hesitantly.
Stabler flashed him an easy smile. "We're already friends, David, or I wouldn't be here."
Benson and Stabler were at their desks the following morning when Captain Donald Cragen came barreling out of his office.
"So you saw David Gallagher last night. Give me a report. How's he doing? How's Jessica? And where is he on the assault? Is he planning to file charges against the other guys? I'd like to be able to move this one to the 'closed' column sometime soon."
"There's not really anything left for us to do, Captain," Benson responded. "David's out of the hospital and settled back at his apartment with Jessica. It's still going to take some time, but it looks like he's well on the road to recovery. Jessica can't help but worry a little, but she's glad to have him home. And the two of them seem to be adjusting well to living together. They're both taking a leave of absence from Elmhurst until next fall while David recovers and they make some decisions about what to do with the rest of their lives.
"As far as the assault investigation goes, we know from everything we found at the frat house that Justin orchestrated the entire thing; with him dead there's no way to know who else was involved, if anyone. Once we found Elliot's suit in the hotel room, we realized Justin got David's cellphone number from a note Elliot left in his pocket, but we never figured out who made the phone call pretending to be the police dispatcher and we probably never will. He could have hired a homeless guy right off the street for all we know. The frat boys are all toeing the 'consensual sex among adults' party line and they all say they knew they were being filmed. We don't have any proof that any of them knew that David's participation in the orgy wasn't consensual or that they were involved in any way in the distribution of the video.
"Now that Justin's dead and no longer a threat, David doesn't want to pursue it any longer. He just wants to get on with his life. Without his cooperation, the most we can get on any of the other guys is underage drinking and it's up to Casey whether that's worth her time."
"So they get away with it?"
"Not necessarily," Stabler jumped in. "The college has a little more leeway to act than we do. The ringleaders, Gregg Peterson and Peter Bishop, have been officially expelled from Elmhurst. The expulsion is noted on their transcripts so they'll have some fancy explaining to do to any other colleges they try to apply to. After some wrangling among the lawyers, Michael Jensen and the others were allowed to transfer to other schools with a notation that disciplinary action was pending against them on their transcripts."
"And I should be happy that's the best we could do?" Cragen asked irritably.
"Sometimes we've got to take what we can get, Captain, and hope it's enough," Benson said with a shrug. "Maybe realizing what really happened to David, that they were actually a part of doing it to him, will put a big enough scare into some of those guys to get them to clean up their act."
"Yeah, right. And I'll be in my office looking for the flying pigs outside my window," Cragen snorted as he turned and strode away.
"Wait a second, Captain," Det. John Munch barked as he strode across the SVU bullpen toward Benson and Stabler's desks. "You're going to want to hear this too."
Cragen halted in the doorway to his office, gave Munch a questioning look and, noting the solemn expression on the detective's face, immediately drifted back to Stabler's desk to meet him.
"I was cleaning up some of the paperwork on the Graves case when this came in. It seems Justin has been a very naughty boy the last couple of years." He handed copies of a printout to Cragen, Stabler and Benson and stood there looking grimly at them as they examined it.
"Justin's fingerprints were found at the scene of another murder -- two years ago in Texas?" Cragen asked incredulously as he scanned the sheet.
"Since his fingerprints weren't in the system back then," Munch responded, "there was no way the Texas cops could identify him until we put them in and ran our national search."
"Jesus," Cragen spat out as he continued to read the report. "Do we have any idea who this Mark Daniels is and why Justin not only wanted him dead, but chose to cut off that particular piece of his anatomy?"
"Oh yeah," Benson replied heavily. "His real name's Mike Delaney. He's the one who kidnapped David."
"I wish I could say I was shocked or even a little surprised," Stabler broke in with a deep sigh, "but I'm not. After he got away with killing his father, he developed a taste for it. It was the ultimate power trip. Going after David's abuser would have been the next logical step to him. And I have to say that, even with the mutilation, I won't be losing any sleep over this one. After the hell Delaney put David through for five years, he got exactly what he deserved. I just hope knowing he's gone will give David some peace of mind."
Munch's face remained cold and stoic. "Maybe you'll feel differently about this one," he said passing around another sheet. "The print at the scene was only a partial and it's only a four point match, but considering who the victims are . . . ."
"Christ in Heaven," Stabler murmured as he scanned the page quickly before turning dark, haunted eyes to the room. "How am I ever going to tell him this? It'll kill him."
Benson's face had paled as she scanned her copy of the report, but she turned eyes seething with fury to her partner. "You're not," she said with determination. "He doesn't need to know this, Elliot. All it will do is cause him more pain. You know he'll feel responsible. There was an investigation and their deaths were officially ruled an accident. Justin's dead now and beyond our ability to punish. There's no way to prove anything, so its's pointless to reopen the case when all it's going to do is cause more pain."
"He feels sorry for Justin, Olivia. How can I let him go on feeling sorry for Justin after he did this."
"Did what?" Cragen burst in. "Who are these people -- Bill and Marie Spencer?"
"David's second set of foster parents," Stabler responded wearily. "The ones who took him in when he was brought back to New York. From everything I've heard about them, they were good people. It took a long time for David to learn to trust them, but eventually he came to love them, and they were in the process of adopting him when they were killed. The brakes on their car supposedly failed and they were hit broadside by a tractor trailer when the car went through a red light."
"The report says the partial was found on a hubcap that flew off during the crash. And it's only a four point match," Cragen said reasonably. "It could have been put there by some mechanic during their last maintenance visit for all we know."
"Yeah, and if I believed that, Captain, I'd come watch those flying pigs with you," Stabler replied woodenly.
The four of them stared at each other uncomfortably for a few more moments, but since there was nothing left to say, Munch and Cragen finally drifted away to return to their own desks.
Stabler exchanged troubled glances with his partner and tried to refocus his mind on the work at hand. But, instead, it continued to stubbornly wander to the cellphone he had left sitting out on his desk. His heart and mind both knew what he needed to soothe his battered soul after the tragic events of the last few weeks and the even more unsettling discoveries of the last few minutes, but he had stubbornly resisted the entreaties of both so far.
It was the memory of his conversation with David the night before and the knowledge that David would be willing to give up just about anything to have just a few of the precious moments he was wasting to spend with all of those he'd loved and lost that made the decision for him. Without another thought, he picked up the cellphone and punched a speed dial number.
Benson was surprised when she heard the first words of the conversation, but a small, relieved smile lit her face as she picked up some files from her desk and walked over to consult with Munch at his desk to give her partner some semblance of privacy.
"Hi Kath, it's Elliot. I just called to see how you and the kids are doing." . . . "That's great. Listen, we just wrapped up a really rough case and I'm going to take a couple of days off. I was wondering if it would be okay to come up for a visit. I miss the kids. I - I miss all of you. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I'd like to take you out on a date. Get a chance to know each other again. No pressure, no promises, no commitments B just a date. We can do whatever you want B dinner, movie, just sit and talk if that's what you want. I even promise to do some of the talking." . . . "No, there won't be any taboo subjects. We can talk about anything you want. ". . . . "No, I don't want you to change your plans. Whatever is convenient for you. I know you worked around my lousy schedule for years, I don't expect you to do that any more.". . . .
A soft, relieved smile crossed Stabler's face. "Saturday? Saturday would be great. Thanks, Kath. Tell the kids I love them, okay. See you Saturday."
THE END