A month passed with meet-ups and hangouts whenever they could possibly be squeezed in, which wasn't as often as they would have liked. Cases kept piling up on Olivia's desk and for a couple of weeks Rafael was busy searching for jobs and interviewing.
18 days into the job search Rafael announced he would be taking Liv and Noah to dinner, he didn't say why and Olivia figured it was simply down to the fact that the three of them barely had any time for each other. At dinner Rafael told them he was the new lawyer and lobbyist for The Joyful Heart Foundation it was an organization that worked to support rape and sexual abuse victims in anyway they could and that included legislatively, addressing the rape kit backlog, anything that stood in the way of justice. It wasn't a courtroom and that was a welcome change that still allowed him to feel like he was making a difference.
Olivia may have cried when he told them, though she wouldn't admit it to anyone but the two other people at the table. She was so proud of him, and even though he would give her so much of the credit; for making him care, for giving his world color, she knew who he was, she saw him.
It was another two weeks before they found a real day to spend together. Some days Rafael spent working from home, where he could work uninterrupted (for the most part) and spread himself out, this particular day was a Friday, he had spoken to Olivia the night before via text and she mentioned Lucy was taking some time off and she was struggling a bit to find help with delivering Noah to and from school. Without a second thought Rafael said he would love to do it.
Raf arrived at their apartment at 7:00 dressed comfortably in jeans, a t-shirt, a sweater, and some round-rimmed glasses that he had taken to wearing rather than his contact lenses.
"Morning Rafa," Noah answered the door, expecting him.
Noah was still in his jammies but otherwise seemed bright-eyed and bushy tailed. Rafael followed the youngster into the apartment, closing the door behind him. Olivia wasn't in sight so Rafael assumed she was off somewhere trying to get ready for the day herself.
"Hola amigo, lets get you dressed huh?" Rafael said figuring Olivia wouldn't mind some additional time to herself. Before going into Noah's room Rafael called out a "morning Liv!" in no particular direction.
Hearing a distant, "Hi Rafa!" Rafael and Noah went along to get the boy dressed.
Surprisingly, to Rafael at least, Noah had no outfit picked out yet, "don't you pick out what you want to wear the night before?"
Noah giggled, finding the idea silly apparently. "No I just put on what I want to wear in the morning."
Shaking his head incredulously Rafael turned to the boy, "okay then, what do you want to wear today?"
It took some time and negotiation for the decision to be made. In the end Noah decided he would wear his grey jeans with the navy t-shirt that had aliens and saucers (that glowed in the dark!) a lime green zip-up hoodie, and converse to finish off the look.
Exiting the room to give Noah privacy to dress Rafael moved to the kitchen to help himself to some coffee. As he was pouring his mug he heard footsteps, that he knew without question belonged to Olivia, come up behind him.
"Thanks again for doing this Rafa, I really appreciate it." The foot falls stopped very near to where Rafael stood.
Turning he told her, "I told you, it's nothing I was going to be working from home today anyway."
"Even still it's a huge help, now I can get to work earlier and hopefully leave earlier too, it looks like," she stopped talking for a second to lean into him and whispered, "it will be a paperwork day."
Rafael whispered in return, "why are we whispering?"
With a smile Liv wrinkled her nose and leaned into him further, bringing her face close enough that Rafael could see the light reflected in her irises giving them and almost orange glow, "I don't want to jinx things."
"Okay Liv, whatever you say. I hope you don't mind but I brought my work here so it would be easier to pick Noah up later."
"Of course not Raf, make yourself feel at home." Liv said putting her coat on and heading to the door. She heard a snort from behind her and turned to look back at Rafael. "Oh excuse me, I forgot who I was talking to."
"You wound me Liv, but watch what you say, the next thing you know I will make myself so at home I will have moved in." He is joking and gets a fond smile in return for his efforts.
The day goes by uneventfully for Raf and Olivia, she texts him about mid-day to tell him she expects to be home between 4:00-5:00 that evening. He works through to 2:00 before making his way to Noah's school.
Arriving he checks in at the front and lets them know he is there to pick up Noah Benson, having been alerted of this, the man at the front desk directs him to where Noah's classroom is. He waits in the hallway as more parents line up with him. Barba keeps to himself keeping his eyes on his phone, until he hears a gasp. Looking up he sees a number of mothers looking at him. Rafael furrows his brow in their direction as the door to the classroom swings open.
A particularly bold woman steps up toward Rafael, "what in the hell are you doing here? You think you can murder babies and then come into a children's school? You disgust me."
She holds such contempt in her gaze that Rafael steps back a half step. He is experiencing a rare moment of speechlessness in the confrontation. Before anything more can occur a class full of first graders storms out into the hallway.
"Rafa!" Noah shouts as he makes his approach to the man. Once at his feet Noah drops his backpack and hugs his arms around Rafael's legs burying his face in Rafael's stomach for a moment. Pulling back a bit he cranes his head up to look at Raf, "can we stop at the park on the way home, I wanna look at the fish and ducks."
Rafael drops a shaky hand into the boy's curls and caresses his head, "sure thing Noh, I can teach you the Spanish words for them while we are there too." His tone comes out even, but inside Rafael is panicked. He is already planning his escape from Olivia's apartment as soon as she got home.
Rafael picks up Noah's backpack and slings it over his shoulder before reaching out to take his hand. Together they make their way to the park with the pond in it. The two of them sit at the edge of the pond pointing of various fish and wildlife that catches their gaze, and true to his word Rafael teaches the Noah Spanish word for each one. Since returning to the Benson's lives Rafael had spent plenty of time with Noah and had begun teaching him Spanish, the boy was becoming quite adept with it.
They spend about an hour at the park before they head home to clean up and do some homework. Rafael has been helping Noah with it as much as he can. This is how Olivia finds them when she arrives home at nearly five o'clock, both hunched over the coffee table working on a math problem, definitely not Rafael's strong suit, especially considering the fact that the way things work are very different from when he was in school.
"No Rafa!" Noah is clearly frustrated, "I told you we don't do it that way."
"I don't understand the way you do it though, this is how I know how to do it," Rafael is also noticeably frustrated.
Kicking her shoes off Olivia laughs at the exchange, "would you boys like some help?"
Rafael and Noah look up at her, Noah rolls his eyes with a loud huff while pitching himself backward into the couch cushions, "Por favor, Rafa keeps doing it the way old people used to do it."
Pretending to be affronted Rafael brings a hand to his chest, "are you calling me old?"
Deadpan Noah levels Rafael with a look and a simple, "yes."
Diving in Noah's direction Rafael goes into tickle monster mode while telling Noah, "I will have you know that your Momma is a year older than me, so if I'm old she's really old."
A shocked gasp comes from Olivia, "watch your tongue Rafa, I might have to kick you out for this blasphemy." She means it as a joke but worries her tone wasn't right when Raf's face falls, "Raf I didn't- I mean you don't have…" She feels uncomfortable suddenly.
"Since you brought it up anyway, I have to go," Rafael says standing up.
"What? Rafael, I was just kidding, please don't go. I thought we could have a nice night with dinner, maybe a movie or some games, and once Noah was down we could spend some time together, just us finally." Olivia feels distressed at the prospect of not spending the evening with him.
Shaking his head Rafael steps around the coffee table toward the bag he already had packed up, ready to go, "no Liv, it's not that. I just have some things to take care of."
He doesn't meet her eyes and Olivia doesn't understand what happened between last night, when they made these plans, and right now. By now he has made his way close to her in order to get his coat and shoes, Liv lays her hand on Rafael's arm to stop him.
The action causes him to look up at her, "What's going on Rafael, you told me you had the night free? Is it… did I do something to upset you? I won't make you take Noah if you don't want to, I just thought you would be fine, you're so good with him now. And then you offered to get him to and from school, I didn't think that it would be a big deal. Did he do something to make you uncomfortable, should I speak with him?" She was rambling in her attempt to get him to stay.
His heart clenches as she continues to implore him, he needs to reassure her that neither she nor her son are at fault, "No Liv it's not you or Noah, I just," a heavy sigh falls from his lips and his hand pulls down the length his face, "something happened and I don't know…" he didn't even know how to finish his sentence.
"What happened? Don't go Rafa, I'll help." Olivia is practically begging.
Rafael always had a hard time denying her and this was no different, "okay I'll stay, I might not be good company though," His voice is quite, defeated almost.
Liv brings a quick hand to his cheek, letting him know it was okay, that him staying was all they wanted from him.
Stepping back into the main living area of the apartment Noah relaxes when both adults walk in, "are you mad at me Rafa? I'm sorry I called you old."
Leave it to a six year old to lift someone's mood without even having to try, "oye niño, I'm not mad at you, and I guess I am kind of old." He makes a face, scrunching it up in begrudging agreement to what Noah had said.
Pulling the dinner she had prepared last night from the fridge Olivia shouts, "hey!"
Noah and Rafael giggled and Rafael seats himself back bside Noah, "okay let's get through these math problems, huh? That way we can have dinner and then have some fun before it's bedtime."
Buckling down the boys huddle over the worksheet and take their time finally working through each problem. With only reading homework left Rafael and Noah read a few pages of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone a book that they'd begun together a few weeks earlier. Rafael was the only one allowed to read it to Noah. They get through nearly a whole chapter by the time Olivia has placed the salad on the table and beckons them over.
After dinner all three decide to watch Finding Dory a recent favorite of Noah's. Each of them has already seen the film at least once but still fully enjoyed it with each viewing, Noah's contagious laugh certainly adds to the entertainment value.
When the lights are switched back on and the movie put away Noah declares it's time to play Twister!
Olivia and Rafael hold in a groan and agree to play with Noah, he still has an hour before he needs to shower, brush his teeth and go to bed. Each grown-up takes a turn contorting their body and a turn calling out colors. After each of these rounds pass Noah somehow convinces them both to play together while he calls colors.
Noah hasn't stopped laughing since the game started, "left hand red!" he manages to tell them through peels of laughter.
Adjusting their bodies with grunts and groans, and cracking joints Olivia complains, "Rafa your butt is in my face."
In a strained tone he combats her statement with a complaint of his own, "yeah well, your elbow is digging into my ribs."
They get surprisingly far along before Rafael topples over onto the floor, "oof," looking at Noah, "you were right Noah, I definitely am old."
"Yeah I guess I'm old too," Liv offers Raf her hand so she can help him up.
After showering and cleaning his teeth Noah is tucked under his covers in his jammies listening intently as his Rafa finishes the chapter of Harry Potter they were reading earlier. At the end of the chapter Rafael marks their spot and plants a kiss on Noah's forehead.
"Bueños noches amigo." Rafael whispers.
"Bueños noches Rafa, te amo." Noah responds eyelids falling closed.
Clicking the lights off Rafael shuts the door of the bedroom he shuffles back into the living room to find that Olivia has readied a drink for him, scotch neat.
"Come sit Rafa," she doesn't even turn around, her feet are up, knees tucked under her chin as she sips her wine while finding their dirty pleasure, HGTV.
He listens to her, sitting himself close to Olivia and rests a hand on her knee. Liv surprises them both by taking the hand from her knee to bring it to her face and laying a quick kiss to his palm before connecting their hands.
Using the hand to pull him even closer, close enough that he almost falls into her side Liv holds his gaze, "talk to me Rafael."
Raf breaks eye contact to gather his thoughts before deciding to simply tell her exactly what happened. He recounts the tale from his afternoon's confrontation, his throat constricting as he shares what she accused him of being. Liv listens intently, never interrupting, giving him plenty of time when he needs it.
Once he finishes he feels better having gotten it off his chest, he still fails to meet Liv's eyes though.
With a squeeze of her hand Olivia lowers her head in an attempt to make eye contact, "please look at me Rafa."
Without resistance he does, "what if that's all the world will ever see me as anymore?"
Liv shakes her head, "there will always be some people who will only see the bad in you, but you can't let that make you be all you are. I'm not all that I've been accused of being, and trust me I've been accused of being some pretty terrible things. I've done things that people would send me to prison for, until the day I died, without a second thought but I'm more than that." Taking a breath she settles herself to complete her point, "what do you see when you look at me?"
"I see my best friend. I see probably the best police officer I have ever known. I see a mother who loves her son unconditionally. I see someone who has made herself into something truly amazing, an inspiration, despite everything life has thrown her way. I see beauty. I see someone who has plenty of flaws, but knows what they are and works to diminish them everyday. I see a warrior. I see Olivia Benson." Rafael didn't even have to think about his answer.
Olivia knew there was a good chance he would make her cry, and she had been correct, she is crying and he swipes his thumbs across her cheeks to clear the tears that trickle down.
"Do you know what I see when I get lost in my own head?" Rafael shakes his head, "I see a broken woman who is scarred and scared. I see someone who just might not find love, might not be worthy of it. I see someone I don't like very much, who has done awful things. But then I think of Noah and how he sees me, and I think of you." She stops there to take him in.
After a beat, "When I look at you Rafa I see a man who worked his way to Harvard even when the world told him it was for nothing, that he would be nothing. I see a lawyer who might have been all bravado and ego when I met him but changed into someone who would do anything to make right what he could. I see someone who once held my son as far away from his body as he could to someone that has become a mentor to him, a positive role model for him. I see a man who is hurt but mostly I see my friend, who I don't want to lose to anything ever. I see you for everything that you are and I wouldn't change you."
She has made him cry too, "Liv, I don't want to lose you either."
"Then stay with us, don't listen to tiny people who don't matter."
After their emotional talk Olivia and Rafael settle into the couch, cuddled into each other to enjoy their company. It's late when they disentangle themselves, "it's like Twister all over!" Rafael jokes when they finally pull apart.
Olivia barks out a laugh and sets her socked feet on the floor. They both drag themselves to the entryway where Raf readies himself to leave, shoes and coat on he reaches for the door.
"Come back tomorrow, yeah?" Liv requests.
"Of course," Raf gives in, while tugging his friend into a hug, "thank you for everything Liv, I don't know where I'd be without you."
Pulling away from him Olivia cups his face, "you'd make it through Rafa, but I'm glad I get to be here for you while you get there."
Raf nuzzles his cheek into her hand before turning his face and kissing it, "I will see you in the morning."
With that he is off for the night. But when he is back in the morning, as promised, Raf has grocery bags weighing down his arms as he knocks. Olivia is exasperated with him, protesting that there was plenty of food in the house already. Rafael waves her off while he makes a complete breakfast of pancakes with berries, orange slices and fresh orange juice, bacon, eggs, toast with bread fresh from the bakery, there was also cream for the berries that didn't make it into the pancakes.
After the trio ate themselves tired Olivia and Rafael each took an end of the couch while Noah lay himself over both of them.
"Oh my God, I think I need a nap now." Olivia said throwing her head back to rest on the arm of the couch.
Rafael giggled out a "hmm," by way of agreement. He felt a nod of agreement against his stomach from Noah.
Reaching out for his phone Raf pulls up his Netflix app and casts a movie to the television.
"What are we watching Rafa?" Noah's small voice asked.
"It's called Lune, I saw it the other night while I was looking for something to watch and thought it looked cute. It is the story of a sun god and a moon god trying to keep balance in the world." He explained.
All three hunkered down to watch the film, managing to catch a second wind before the credits rolled. Once it was finished they drag themselves to their feet feeling less bloated and clean up the mess from breakfast before setting out to do some rather mundane errands.
Rafael spends the whole day with the Benson family, all the way up to the time Olivia declared she needed to sleep. Rafael took that as his cue and left for his own lonely apartment, saying he would be back tomorrow.
This pattern continued for weeks, Rafael had once again worked up the courage to accompany Noah to and from school every so often to give Lucy a bit of a break. In return Lucy offered to stay a little later once a week so the adults could spend time together without looking after Noah, not that either minded his presence, ever, but it was nice to go to places that didn't require child cautions adjustments.
During these nights out Olivia and Rafael had taken to strolling home to work off some calories after they'd ate and drank, lately they had been doing so with fingers laced together. Some nights Rafael would join Olivia upstairs for a cup of coffee and they would just talk. Other nights he would give her a quick hug and make his way to his apartment.
He never thought of his own place when he thought of home, no, his thoughts of home always included Olivia and Noah.
On the odd occasion Lucia even made appearances at the Benson household, almost always with food, and they would sit and eat and enjoy the company, even managing to wrangle Lucy into the meals every once-in-awhile.
Things were going well for Rafael since everything seemed to have fallen apart. He owed it all to Olivia and Noah, they kept him together when all he wanted to do was lock himself away and ignore everything. They believed in him until he started believing in himself again. They loved him when he thought he didn't deserve it. Olivia and Noah Benson were the two most important people in his life and he didn't want a single day more to go by that they weren't in, or that they didn't know what they meant to him.
With a newfound resolve Rafael worked up the courage to ask Olivia something he always hoped for but never expected. That was how the expression went wasn't it: hope for the best, expect the worst. Except this time he thought he didn't have to expect the worst, that he would get what he wanted.
Deciding to go forward with things after one of their dinners together Rafael used his hold on Olivia's hand to steer her to a bench at the edge of a park.
"Liv, I wanted to ask you something." He had been so confident thinking about this all week, but now, in the moment, the confidence is flagging, morphing into nervousness and anxiety.
Olivia feels his hand sweating and notices his voice waver when he spoke, "what's up Rafa?" She thought if she stayed calm and casual it would cause him to do the same.
His eyes flit up to hers before darting away, this happens several times. Finally sucking in a deep breath Rafael turns into Olivia, "do you want to go on a date? With me I mean? I mean - can I take you out, to dinner, to a show, wherever you want, I just want to take you out on a date. If that's something you would be interested in?"
His confidence is up and down the more he speaks so eventually he cuts himself off and leaves the conversation in her hands. When she laughs Rafael closes his eyes feeling like he was back in high school again, getting turned down for a date to prom.
"Rafa," her voice was sweet, melodic, as it drifts to his ears, "Rafa will you look at me please?"
Tentatively his eyes open and he looks at her, just as she asked.
"I'm sorry I laughed, it's just -" blushing she looks down at their hands that are still locked together, "I just thought that's kind of what we had been doing already." She shrugs shyly taking a moment before looking back into his face. "I've been waiting for you to kiss me when you leave, I've been trying to decide if it's okay if I kissed you first, but I didn't mind waiting, because, well, you are certainly worth waiting for." Her blush darkens painting her cheeks and chin a brilliant pink.
"Can I," Rafael clears his throat and sits up straighter, "could I kiss you now?"
Olivia bites her lip, never imagining that Rafael Barba would be anything but confidence made manifest while "wooing" a woman. Eventually she nods.
They meet halfway and find each other's mouths, his lips are warm and gentle against hers as he plants small chaste kisses over and over on her lips. She moans as he pulls away from her, licking her lips Olivia allows her eyes to open slowly. She finds Raf staring at her with a goofy grin on his face.
Chuckling she swats at him, "what are you smiling at?"
Before he answers he pulls her in for another, longer, kiss with one final one peppered to the corner of her mouth, "nothing, just that I get to kiss the Olivia Benson."
A/N: one more chapter coming up before I'm going to make you wait for more. I hope it's all enjoyable.