nobody ever loved me like you do
i'd love to see me from your point of view
;;
The first time Claudine says the words, it catches her so off guard that she wonders if she imagined it.
"Wow, bet your future husband would like this little baker side of you."
Future husband, huh? Now, why in the world did she say something stupid like that?
But by the way Maya's violet eyes are staring at her, as if to solve the mystery of such a comment, Claudine surmises that she did say it out loud, after all. Which would indicate that Claudine was able to surprise the brunette in front of her. A small victory if not for the mortifying ordeal of what she had said now hanging awkwardly in the air.
And because she's somewhat rather reckless when it comes to one Tendou Maya, Claudine double downs and shrugs it off while averting her gaze. Instead, she swipes at the leftover cookie batter in the bowl with one finger and licking it clean fully aware that Maya's eyes are still trained on her.
But Maya, ever a Tendou, turns to her with a correction just behind her teeth.
"Wife."
Claudine blinks up at her taken aback by this one word, her finger coming out of her mouth with a pop.
"Excuse me?"
"Future wife." A pregnant pause sits between the two of them, Maya looking intently at her. "It would be my future wife who would like this little baker side of me."
And Maya's clarification absolutely slams Claudine in the chest with a wallop, knocking the air out of her lungs.
Good heavens, a wife! Sounds far worse than a husband. At least with a husband, she'd have no chance. But a wife?!
A future wife. Maya's future wife. Future Mrs. Tendou Maya.
A woman that gets to sweep Maya off of her stable yet graceful feet. God, what a woman that would be. Her imagination quickly runs rampant and she imagines an equally graceful woman fit to stand toe to toe with Maya; laughing with her, holding her, kissing her.
Claudine grimaces at the thought, her fears and insecurities of not being that woman for Maya bubbling over and lodging squarely in her ribcage.
"Right, future wife. Same difference," she responds with a dismissive hand.
As Maya places the tray of their unbaked cookies into the oven, Claudine walks over and sidles up next to the brunette and plucks the towel resting over her shoulder to wipe her finger. Maya, for her part, wordlessly keeps her violet eyes on Claudine even as the towel gets returned to her shoulder with a pat.
Claudine can feel those same violet eyes watch her even as she plops on the couch; she just knows that Maya is staring at the back of her head, questions filling that big head of hers. Claudine has no answer herself, so she hopes Maya voices none of them aloud.
Maya thankfully doesn't bring it up when she joins Claudine on the couch, which the blonde is more than relieved about. The moment dissipates more forgivingly than how it chaotically appeared.
Claudine, bless her heart, vows to never say that shit ever again.
;;
Except the thing about firsts is that it implies seconds.
The second time this phrase - honestly, so obnoxious and cloying on her tongue - comes hurtling out of her mouth, Claudine just wonders what in the fresh hell is wrong with her.
She just had to say it again.
"Claudine."
"What?!" she snaps. She reels herself back, surprising even herself at the bite of her response, and clears her throat. "I mean-"
Maya tilts her head and looks at her, mild confusion flashing across her violet eyes.
Then it dawns on her. Oh, right. She's in Maya's apartment.
Claudine mentally retraces her steps to five minutes ago when she and Maya were caught in a torrential downpour just after their last class together and they had ran here.
Out of breath and soaked to the bone, the two quickly made their way into the small studio apartment. They left a sizeable trail of puddles from the entryway to the bathroom where Maya practically shoved the both of them in before stripping down to just their undergarments.
Claudine had watched the whole thing unfold, like a bystander, and found the pair of them stood awfully close to one another with their sopping wet clothes piled by their ankles, and their once-pristine hair now tousled and sticking to their skin.
Nearly naked and centimeters apart, amused laughs echoed in the small space as they reflected on their current predicament. She subconsciously licked her lips - which were surprisingly dry despite the storm they had just run through - when she looked at the disheveled nature of the girl in front of her. Long brunette locks plastered on contrasting pale skin, the ever-present periwinkle bow completely drenched and sagging, and streaks of rain water dove past the pinkness of Maya's cheeks.
As their giggling petered out, they now found themselves standing far too close for comfort as friends. Laughter in the air had now been exchanged for something more...tense.
Slowly, Claudine's arms raised up almost as if having a mind of their own and reached forward past Maya's head to carefully unclip her periwinkle ribbon. Her cheek just barely grazed against Maya's own. The brunette just stood in place, unable or unwilling to move, Claudine couldn't tell.
"There," she announced before she tugged at the ribbon fully, the ends of it brushing against Maya's shoulder before Claudine finally brought her arms back down to her sides.
"Th-thanks." Maya's voice was low and gravelly, barely above a whisper.
In return, Maya brought her hands up to carefully extract her black headband off of her head. Claudine held her breath and only slowly released it when Maya offered her headband back to her. Gingerly, she plucked it out of the other girl's grasp, instantly feeling the cold and dampness of it in her hand. She realized that she now held both their hair accessories.
"Bet your future wife would get jealous of this view," Claudine joked, attempting to turn the charged tension that had just filled the space between them. Of all the things she could have said - of which there were plenty - she wondered why she had said that .
But Maya, ever a Tendou, seemed unfazed with a retort of her own.
"I'd hazard that your future...spouse would also feel the same."
"Right, yeah," she said with another lick of her lips, her focus now on the pinkness of Maya's mouth. "Future spouse."
She could just...she was so close…and Maya was right there...
That catches her back up to their current situation where Maya is now calling for her.
"Are you all right?" Maya asks, a slight frown on her face. Claudine just shakes her head.
"Fine," she says with a huff, but there was no energy behind it. She takes a proper step back, breaking whatever spell they'd both been under just moments ago, the first of the cold shivers making its way through her body.
This is not how she thought this scene would play out.
Attentive as ever, Maya steps into the spot Claudine had just vacated and places her slightly damp hands on Claudine's arms. Warm, despite the cold rain they had just suffered through. Such an act only serves to run shivers down her spine and trails goosebumps on her skin.
"Perhaps you should go ahead and take a bath while I run our clothes through the dryer. You'd catch a cold at this rate," Maya says as she continues to boldly run her hands up and down Claudine's arms for the sake of warming Claudine up.
"Yeah, good idea," Claudine manages to croak out, the sheer intimacy of Maya's hands on her and their proximity rendering Claudine's snark tank absolutely useless. As soon as Maya pulls her hands away, Claudine's arms are instantly met with cold air. "What about you? Last I checked you weren't immune to colds."
Maya offers her a grateful smile even as she has made the stride towards the tub where she has turned the faucet on. "I wholly appreciate your concern, Claudine. But I will be fine. It's more important to me that you're cared for first. As my guest."
Claudine can only watch (since she is always watching) as Maya places a hand under the running water to test it and adjusting it a couple of times for the right temperature.
"I believe it's to your liking. I'll fetch you those clothes, so get in."
"No need to tell me twice," she mutters despite not making a move towards the tub. She now suddenly feels very exposed despite having seen each other in various manners of undress in the past.
"And yet-" Maya begins to say, standing back up to her full height, a displeasing two inches taller than Claudine. "-here you are not moving a single muscle."
"Well, someone hasn't bothered to leave yet."
"Then, forgive the intrusion," she says with a small smirk. After picking their clothes from the floor, Maya heads straight for the door without another glance towards Claudine. It closes with a small click and it's not until then that Claudine releases the longest sigh.
The scene of the afternoon replays in her mind and Claudine groans into her hands, sinking further down the tub and blowing bubbles out of her mouth. It's not the first time they'd been caught in the rain. It's not even the first time they'd been practically naked in front of each other. But it is the first time that Claudine had been unable to rein in her emotions in a long time. She feels like as the days progress that she's less and less able to get her shit together when it comes to one Tendou Maya.
;;
"So what's the hold-up?" Her pink-haired friend asks one day after a study break in the library. "Why do I still have to see Tendou-san looking at you wistfully across the studio after rehearsals?"
"What are you talking about?"
Futaba rolls her eyes. "Come off it. Playing dumb only works when you're not also doing the exact same thing, you know."
Claudine releases a deep and tired sigh. "It's just not a good idea, okay?"
"Why not? You're clearly in love with her."
"For crying out-" she hisses, glaring at the other girl as she slams her hands on the table. "Can you not say it out loud so freely?! You know how big of a gossip mill this place turns into when they smell even a hint of fresh gossip. Your girlfriend being the biggest instigator, might I add."
Futaba snorts her laughter. "Well, not to rain on your parade or anything, but I'd hardly call this 'fresh' gossip. You two have been doing this weird song and dance for like four years. But stop avoiding the question, Saijou. Out with it."
"Ok, first of all, it's a stupid cliché to fall for your best friend. Secondly, it's precisely because we've been best friends for so long that it's just too much of a risk. If we crossed that line and we don't work out, then what? I'd be out of a best friend and a girlfriend. What a pain that would be."
"Counterargument #1: your partner should be your best friend. Counterargument #2: Why are you so dead set on the fact that if you two get together it'll crash and burn? Have you considered counterargument #3: that you two work out and live happily ever after?" Futaba asks leaning closer, her voice lower, and counting each argument with her fingers.
She, unfortunately, has no response. At least none that she can voice aloud coherently. She's a jumbled mess of emotions that she's been unable to untangle for years. Her insecurities of ultimately not being good enough, in the end; her fears that they'll somehow drive each other crazy because of how passionate they can both be; her pride refusing to make her take the first step; her nightmare that with such a high risk comes a big, fatal fall. Where does she even begin?
Instead, she glowers at her friend before a scowl settles on her face. When she doesn't say anything, Futaba just shakes her head, seemingly already knowledgeable about Claudine's hesitations.
Futaba places her hands behind her head and leans back in her chair. "You sure are proud for a coward, Kuro-chan."
Claudine throws her pencil at her friend who barely dodges out of the way. But she knows Futaba's right. She really is a coward.
;;
As the old adage says, misery loves company, and it turns out that twice wasn't enough. At least not for Claudine's penchant for needless suffering. She has to legitimately wonder if she should go to a therapist to diagnose this case of masochism.
It's a scene that's played out hundreds of times between them: the two of them watching movies in Claudine's apartment. She has the bigger television, so most of the binge watching happens here. And this time, it's a small marathon of romantic movies revolving around fate and destiny.
Because Claudine must seriously enjoy this particular brand of suffering.
"Which would you rather do?" Claudine asks with a small nudge of her right foot that's been resting on Maya's left thigh. Both of her feet are atop Maya's lap with Maya's left hand resting on her shins, gently rubbing small circles on her exposed skin. It's a rare display of physical affection, one that Claudine completely and unabashedly relishes in since Maya doesn't normally extend any, to anyone.
It was a fairly new development in their years-long friendship, only having cropped up when they first began school at the academy a year ago. It started innocently enough when Claudine's calf suddenly cramped up soon after they started a movie. At Claudine's distressed look, Maya had sprang into action and ordered her to bring her leg up to Maya's lap so she could help massage it. Hesitantly, she did as she was told and Maya massaged it for the duration of the movie (read: the entire movie). She had stiffened up at the beginning, Maya's deft hands on her leg, but Claudine had to admit that the massage was helping with the cramping. The cramp had disappeared after a while, but she didn't dare disclose that to the brunette fearing the loss of contact.
The following week had been somewhat awkward when they took their spots on Claudine's couch. She desperately wanted the physical contact again, but hadn't thought of anything convincing for a repeat of the week before. Until Maya cleared her throat and offered to massage her calf again, as a preventative measure. Claudine couldn't believe her ears and knew not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Feigning annoyance, she had swung her legs up so that her legs rested on Maya's lap. But she felt that Maya could sense the reddening of her cheeks all the same.
The subsequent weeks that followed of their binge watching didn't need such paper thin excuses; instead the two fell into a routine that ultimately ended with Claudine's legs on the other girl's lap and Maya gently caressing them. Claudine knew of how dangerous a territory this all was for her - for the both of them, frankly - because she was taking what wasn't hers, but she was only human. And the feel of those warm hands on her skin outside the guise of school performances had been just too intoxicating for her to deny.
"Can you repeat the question?" Maya asks her, bringing Claudine back out of her trip down memory lane and into the present.
"I asked which would you rather do," she repeats, nodding towards the screen as the end credits roll. "You know, would you rather be with someone knowing you have to leave them eventually or just not getting involved at all."
Claudine grants herself permission to watch Maya's profile as she thinks as her right hand touches her chin in thought. How positively cliché to do such a thing, but Claudine is completely aware of how she falls for it hook, line, and sinker that she has to chew on the inside of her cheek just to stamp out the smile off her mouth.
"Would this hypothetical scenario carry on with the same exact situation from the film or are you inquiring more generally?" Maya asks, even as her hand continues its gentle caress on Claudine's shin.
"Just in general. You know, like picture a situation with your future wife or whatever." She really must hate herself or something.
Maya's hand stills and she turns to face Claudine. "My future wife?"
Claudine feels like she's about to buckle under the intense gaze of violet eyes staring directly at her, so she attempts to distract the other girl with a wave of her hand. "Yeah, which one?"
"Then, I would be with her."
The resolute nature of such a fast response almost makes Claudine flinch. "You answered it so fast, did you even think it through?"
"Of course. You mentioned my future wife, after all," Maya responds matter-of-factly.
"But there's no guarantee that you'd ever see her again. You ready to give that up, Tendou?"
"There are no guarantees in life, Claudine," Maya begins to say, her eyes determined and fixed at her. Meanwhile, Claudine is doing her best not to wither away as her brain processes the other girl's response. "And if such a thing happens to me and my future wife, then I can only guess she and I have given our utmost devotion and dedication to one another. Which would mean that we have loved one another as fully as we can. Therefore, despite such a tough situation, I'd want to cherish the time we did have together. Better to have loved and lost, as they say."
"Didn't think you'd be such a sap," she teases even as she turns her face away, her cheeks feeling warm at such a blatantly romantic response.
"Would you not do the same?" Maya asks with a small quirk of a brow. The gentle caress on her shin, Claudine notices, has once again resumed.
"I...hm. I don't know. Who knows, you know? The pain might be too much that it overshadows the love we have that it's just probably better to not start altogether."
"Even if it's your own future wife?"
Ah. This is new. Wife for a wife, huh?
"I would like to save her the heartache from me," she concludes. It feels selfish and cruel. After all, she's already so cruel to herself and she doesn't even have a wife to consider yet. It would be the best choice. The pain would be too unbearable and Claudine would rather she and this future wife of hers were blissfully unaware.
"I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree," Maya says, slowly pushing Claudine's feet off of her as she moves forward and takes the bowl of popcorn before rising to her feet. The loss of contact instinctively has Claudine withdrawing her legs towards her and hugging them to her chest. "I think it would be worth the heartache for your future wife to have been with someone such as yourself."
Maya, ever a Tendou, leaves her speechless once again.
The other girl heads straight for the kitchen and Claudine lets her, allowing for the silence to close this conversation on their behalf.
;;
Claudine should have really guessed that she'd be back on her bullshit. She really should get help.
The words, such asinine words if she's honest with herself (read: she's not), escape her lips. The only consolation for creating a punching bag out of her heart is that this time, Maya doesn't hear her.
The downside is that this other girl looks like she could very well be Maya's future wife. Violet-tinted brunette locks swept over one shoulder. Bright and shining turquoise eyes. Beautiful, classy, dignified. Her laugh even sounds beautiful. She feels so much like a match for Maya that Claudine's somewhat surprised that the two had only just met.
Fated. Destiny. Red strings of fate or whatever the hell.
God, they look so irritatingly good together that Claudine has to wonder how feasible it would be to claw her own eyes out right at this second. Her heart plummets down to the pit of her stomach when she sees this person place a hand on Maya's forearm.
"Claudine, this is Yanagi Koharu. Koharu, this is Saijou Claudine."
Koharu bows first, in such a regal way that rivals the bows Maya gives, and Claudine internally rolls her eyes because, of course.
"How do you two know each other?" she asks, leveling her voice and maintaining a friendly tone.
"Oh, Maya's family and my family were great friends during our elementary school days."
Claudine mentally staggers back at how intimately this Yanagi girl says Maya's name. Something that she thought, selfishly and embarrassingly, she was the only one privy to do.
Maya's violet eyes light up and her grin widens as she begins to speak about her childhood friend. "The Yanagi family moved overseas for her parents' jobs, but have since returned. Yanagi-san is considering transferring to Seisho Academy after the summer!"
"That's...marvelous," Claudine replies somewhat lamely, actively fighting her face muscles not to don such a deep scowl.
"It is. We had lost touch through middle and high school, but it's so good to catch up with one another now. Maya is as radiant as ever," Koharu comments, the last of her words getting drawn out.
Koharu's hand on Maya's forearm has now made its way to Maya's bicep, holding a sustained gaze with Claudine, challenging her with a quirk of her brow.
Maya dips her head at the comment or the contact, Claudine's not sure. But Claudine easily spots a dusting of pink on her cheeks. She's blushing like hell and Claudine caused none of it! The thought frustrates her more than anything, because that's her job and has been for years! Only she gets to embarrass the other girl.
"Like a star," she comments with ease, earning a scene of Maya snapping her head up, unable to hide her surprise. Well, at least she still has that going for herself. "Radiant like a star. Hey Maya, why don't you tell her all about your accomplishments so far in the theater department."
Why don't you just serve Maya up on a silver platter to this person, Claudine? Do the work for her, why don't you? Childhood friends reuniting in their adulthood. Fated. Destiny. Red strings of fate or whatever the hell. It's all right there. She can't make this shit up if she tried. At her own chastising, she feels a tightness in her chest.
"Accomplishments that only existed because of Claudine's determination to challenge my position as the top student. Claudine has certainly kept me on my toes."
"Is that so?" Koharu asks, though Claudine can guess by her tone that she doesn't really care.
"Yes. Claudine is a star herself."
Maya, ever a Tendou, catches Claudine off guard.
And she feels herself coming undone. So much so that she now suddenly feels lightheaded - from the constriction she feels in her chest or the compliment from Maya who is now curiously looking at her, she's not sure anymore. What she is certain of is that if she wants to survive the next ninety seconds, then she's going to need to make an exit lest she wants to make an embarrassing scene for herself.
"Well, don't let me interrupt your reunion. It's nice to meet you, Yanagi-san," she says with a small dip of her head, her breath hitching at the other girl's name.
"Wait," Maya calls out, a hand holding her wrist and keeping her in place. "Where are you heading?"
"I just-I forgot I had to meet with Futaba and Kaoruko about something and I'm actually late."
Maya frowns. "Will you call me later, then?"
"Yeah, yeah. Sure."
She waves and offers a cheery smile before booking it the hell out of there. She doesn't even bother glancing back, the image of those two perfect girls smiling at each other seared into the back of her mind.
Not ten minutes later, Claudine is inhaling as much air as possible as she's keeled over with her hands on her knees attempting to even out her breathing. She rolls her eyes at her own self for running the entire time.
"Why do you look like a cat literally dragged you in?" Futaba comments, when Claudine arrives in front of her friend's apartment tiredly leaning on one arm by the door frame and her blonde curls disheveled around her. Kaoruko peers over Futaba's shoulder and puts on a wicked grin.
"I bet I know," Kaoruko teases.
Claudine looks up at her with a glare.
"Shut up. Let me in."
Dutifully, her friends take a step back, but Claudine misses their shared look after she's walked past them.
;;
Later, Claudine doesn't call Maya.
Doesn't even answer any of the texts that Maya sends her way. She leaves her best friend unanswered. The image of her best friend with another girl plaguing her every conscious thought.
She doesn't know if she can handle talking to her, not when she's yet to pick up the shattered pieces of her jealous heart off the floor.
;;
A victory for Claudine is that she's somehow retired the words 'future wife' out of her current vocabulary.
A defeat for Claudine is that she's now been cornered by an exasperated and tired Tendou Maya. A look that completely hacks at Claudine's resolve to continue avoiding the other girl.
"What are you doing?"
"What do you mean?"
"You have not answered any of my messages and calls for the past week. And you are, quite literally, trying to avoid me, are you not?"
Like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar, Claudine has to stop dead in her tracks when she finds that she's mid-shove of her books back into her bag, already halfway out the door.
"I'm just-I've been busy."
"How can that be when we have near identical schedules."
"I have other things I'm working on."
"What are they?"
"Tendou Maya, you're not my mom."
"No, but I thought I was your friend." The brokenness in Maya's voice rings in Claudine's ears and is a direct punch in her solar plexus, but despite how she feels her sternum metaphorically shattering, she has to persevere and save herself.
"Look, I'm busy and you're spending some time with what's-her-name, that Yanagi girl. Don't you two have a lot of catching up to do? Last I saw, she seems very interested in doing that with you. So spend some time with her."
Claudine bitterly recalls hearing from Futaba and Kaoruko how they'd seen Maya accept the dates from her childhood friend, Koharu. It was entirely her fault for even asking in the first place (with Kaoruko delighted to share the news) and even more so when she fails to catch a wink of sleep on those nights.
"I have done so already, but now I am more concerned about the lack of time you and I are spending."
"Why? Isn't this the time to busy yourself with dates with Koharu? Childhood best friends reunited before making their way to the altar. Love story for the ages."
Claudine has to wonder where she's found a shovel to really dig her grave in. Especially with how irritation flashes in Maya's violet eyes.
"They were just friendly dates. I hardly doubt I'm on my way to the altar."
"Friendly dates turn into serious dates. That's how dating works."
Maya grabs hold of her wrist and turns her around after having followed behind her as Claudine attempts another escape. Claudine doesn't miss how these are the only moments in their entire relationship that Maya is behind her.
"Are you jealous?" She stops dead in her tracks. Claudine steels her features, hoping to rebuff the accusation even though it's painfully true.
"Excuse you? What's there to be jealous about?"
"Ever since she has appeared in my life, you have made yourself scarce. What could it be other than jealousy?"
"Why would I be jealous when I'm trying to be generous?"
Maya doesn't bother hiding her surprise. "What?"
"I'm giving you the time and space to rekindle your relationship with her. So you two can fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. Joining your two perfect families together in holy matrimony. I'm just trying to be a best friend, that's all. Forgive me for wanting to do something that is clearly good for you."
It's like she can't dig her grave fast enough.
At this point, they've somehow found themselves in the middle of the academy's gardens where, thankfully, nobody was around.
"Good for me," Maya mutters, more to herself. Then- "Tell me, who am I to you, Claudine?"
Caught by surprise at the turn of their conversation, Claudine just blinks twice. "You're my best friend."
"Is that all I am? Am I just your best friend?"
"Why would you be anything else?"
The disappointment that washes over Maya's face is enough to let Claudine know that that was, irrevocably and irreparably, the wrong thing to say.
Maya laughs wryly. "Perhaps it's my fault, in the end," Maya says with a rueful shake of her head. She slinks down - so unlike the ramrod posture that Claudine's only ever seen from the other girl - towards the bench just behind them. "For never making my own feelings and intentions clear. Explicit. Direct. That's what I've always been taught. And yet how I've handled my emotions for you was so against my grain, I couldn't help but find myself so dizzyingly unaware of how to proceed."
The way the other girl speaks sounds as if Claudine is intruding on a private monologue, Maya's head resting on her hand as she leans on the arm of the bench, sparing a glance back at her. "I thought my patience wouldn't waver, but you surely tested me, Claudine. And even I know when defeat is inevitable."
Maya looks up at her, shattered spirits and all, a wave of resignation in those violet eyes.
Claudine, stock still in the middle of the gardens, finds herself at a complete loss. Her bag heavy on her shoulder, her limbs unable to move. She can only watch as Maya transforms from the unsure and questioning girl mere moments ago to a performance-ready Tendou Maya - dazzling and inaccessible.
Claudine has an intense sinking feeling grow in her ribcage.
Maya stands to her full height and takes a deep breath. "I'm going to make myself explicitly clear, as I should've done before: Saijou Claudine, I don't care about Koharu. I don't care about any other person in the world. I don't love any of them. I care and love... you . But knowing that you see me as nothing more than your friend, I will be that for you and nothing more. "
"Wait, Maya-"
Maya closes her eyes and releases a shaky breath. When she opens her eyes, they're glossed over with a closed expression - a glimpse to the Tendou Maya before they became friends. Before they became anything to each other.
This person feels too much like a stranger to her.
"Maya…"
"Pay me no mind, Saijou-san. I will sort out my feelings and give them up from such a fruitless pursuit. I'll call you when I'm ready to see you."
Maya swiftly turns away and heads straight to the academy gates without looking back leaving Claudine all alone.
;;
Kaoruko, of all people, is the one that's with Claudine now after the disaster that was her last conversation with Maya.
Her blue-haired friend leans back on the mattress from her spot on the floor as Claudine is curled up in bed, looking as pitiful as she feels.
"Wow."
Claudine groans. "I know. It was bad."
"That's not what I was commenting on."
Claudine picks her head up and meets Kaoruko's gray eyes.
"Then?"
"Just that she finally did it."
"Did what?"
"Futaba and I were wondering when she was gonna give up. Sooner than I expected, truthfully. I thought she'd wait you out until college graduation, at least."
"You knew this whole time?" she asks, dumbly, already knowing the answer.
Kaoruko turns to face her with an admonishing look: As if you didn't?
When Claudine withers back with a shameful turn of her head, Kaoruko lets out a loud and amused laugh that shatters the quietness they've shared so far.
"Oh, that is rather cruel, Kuro-chan."
Claudine shrinks further into herself.
"It's for the best. She shouldn't love someone like me."
"You'll hear no complaints from me since I don't get it, either-" Claudine glares at her, which only serves to further amuse her friend. "- but shouldn't you let her make that decision for herself?"
"I'm just a cruel and broken person. I'm short-tempered and clearly too emotionally inept to be of any value to someone like her."
"And yet, she has stayed by your side since high school. She could've picked literally any other girl from anywhere, but she chose you. Doesn't that mean something?"
Claudine growls, anger welling inside at herself. "Yeah, it means I've wasted even more of her time. Aren't you supposed to make me feel better?"
"Why would I? Isn't this your fault?"
Claudine groans again. Where is Futaba when you need her?
"Listen, you've been doing this weird complicated song and dance with Tendou, and I'm glad you've finally figured out that it's getting old. Be with her, don't be with her. Honestly, Kuro-chan, it doesn't fucking matter. But for the love of god, give that girl some closure. And yourself, for that matter."
"How can I? She's probably so mad at all the mixed signals that I've sent her way."
"You sure do an awful lot of talking on her behalf."
That shuts Claudine up.
They fall into another bout of silence save for the tapping on Kaoruko's phone. Claudine doesn't care, because she's not sure she has any more energy to talk, anyway.
"Ok, Futaba's outside, so I'm gonna go." Kaoruko hoists herself up with a push from the bed and starts making the trek to the entryway.
"Tell that Futaba of yours that the next time I do something this stupid she's not allowed to run any errands." Claudine flips herself over so she's resting on her belly, her head propped up by her elbows.
"Get in line."
Kaoruko leans on the wall after she's put on her shoes and uncharacteristically softens the way she looks at Claudine.
"Listen, Kuro-chan. I'm only going to say this once and if you repeat it outside of these walls, I will vehemently deny it." Claudine stiffens, but otherwise mimes zipping her lips. "But even you deserve happiness and someone who loves you. If it's really not Tendou Maya, then so be it. But if it is…"
Claudine quickly brushes at the corner of her eyes, hoping to wipe the tears away before they fall.
"Yeah, I know."
;;
Maya, ever a Tendou, keeps her promises.
And doesn't talk to Claudine for the entire two weeks that have elapsed since their fight in the gardens. Save for their required work in class, Maya says nothing to her, pays her no attention, and seemingly has eliminated Claudine's existence out of her life.
Claudine has no one to blame but herself, with the utterly contemptible way she's handled everything. But she also can't help the hurt she herself feels at the way in which years of their friendship has been decimated to...this.
She only shrinks further into herself when one day as she's making the lonely trek home she catches sight of Maya and her childhood friend, Koharu, walking arm in arm towards the gates. She doesn't have enough time to hide so Maya sees her. She's about to raise a hand, but Maya just turns her head and places a hand on top of Koharu's on her arm.
Claudine has absolutely no right to feel the anguish in her bones, but it still takes her a few moments to collect herself if only so that her legs can carry her back to her apartment.
It's for the best, she reassures herself. It's for the best that Maya is working to stop liking her, stop loving her, stop being anything to her. Right? It's for the best.
But after only three weeks of suffering the gaping void that Maya has left, Claudine is at her wits' end and her resolve absolutely cracks.
Oh boy, does she crack.
So much so that she can't recall how she managed to stand in front of Maya's apartment door. And now, almost twenty minutes later, she's only suddenly found the small bout of courage to knock on the door.
As she brings her fist up, the door opens back and appears Maya.
Beautiful, beautiful Maya. She has matching gray sweats on, her long brunette tresses up in a full ponytail sans ribbon.
"Saijou-san." Claudine visibly frowns at the formality of it all. It's to be expected, she thinks. She reminds herself that she has to trudge forward.
"Tendou Maya. I-" she starts, but the words suddenly have vacated her mind.
"Shall I give you another twenty minutes?"
Claudine's eyes widen when realization dawns on her even as the brunette's face remains impassive.
"You knew I was here?" she asks, in mild disbelief. Claudine frowns. This is already going despicably off course and she's barely done anything yet. Good heavens, give her strength.
The other girl just shrugs. "Hard to ignore the noisy pacing outside my door and the multi-lingual mumbling. Though, I suppose since you're here, it makes more sense to keep these private matters private. So why don't you...come in."
Maya steps back and pulls the door wider, a signal for her to come in.
Claudine shakes her head and decides to take this undeserved olive branch. She pushes up to her full height and squares her shoulders back before crossing the threshold. She stands, albeit awkwardly, right by the edge of the entryway to give Maya room to close the door. She can feel the heat emanating from the other girl, their shoulders almost brushing. The closeness overwhelms her and she leans back on the wall to save her from crumpling to her feet, her hands behind her back supporting her weight.
Maya, wordlessly, mirrors her and leans back onto the wall across the entryway just a few feet away.
"Listen," Claudine begins, "I know that you probably don't wanna see me. But I gave everything you've said a lot of thought and-"
"I told you I'd call you when I'm ready."
"But I don't want you to be ready."
Maya's eyes widen momentarily, which encourages Claudine to keep going.
"I mean-I mean that I don't want you to get rid of those feelings! And I know I keep confusing you and I feel really bad about it. But the truth is that I want you to keep loving me and caring for me as your best friend...but also as more. I want your feelings for me. I want them all."
She trails off and tries to shake her head but the words stumble in her throat, her shoulders slumping further into the wall.
"So why…"
"Because I was afraid, Maya."
Maya steps forward, her left hand hanging in the air between them seemingly afraid of reaching forward more and making contact. Claudine wants her to close the distance, selfish in wanting the other girl to further extend her love even more.
"Afraid of what?"
She takes the deepest breath and pushes herself up to her feet. "I'm afraid that this will someday end."
"What is 'this' you're referring to?"
"You're making me work for it, huh?" she asks aloud, the quip passing her lips out of habit.
"Are you not trying to be honest with me?"
"You're right. Ok, let me just-" Claudine takes another deep breath. "I'm afraid that our relationship will someday end."
"Yes."
"And I can't guarantee that you and I will stay together forever."
"Nor can I."
"Are you going to just keep agreeing with me or what?" she asks, slight annoyance coloring her voice. Claudine can't help it, but as the last half hour hasn't gone the way that she had prepared for, she feels a little bit out of her depth right now. Claudine huffs, her breath shooting up to disrupt her bangs.
"What you've said so far has been true, therefore there's nothing that I can refute."
"But doesn't any of this scare you?!" Claudine bellows, having pushed herself forward off the wall now until she's already crossed most of the distance between them. "Because I'm scared! God, Maya, I'm so afraid. What if we give this a go and you find someone who can keep up with you better than me? Someone more suited for you? What if we drive each other insane because we fight so much?! Or what if...what if this relationship ends and I lose you? I don't know if I can ever recover…"
She instantly covers her face with her hands, partly to hide, partly to push at her eyes to stop the threat of tears, and partly because she'd said everything she'd been fearing in her heart all these years.
"There are no guarantees in life, Claudine," Maya replies coolly, her voice unwavering. Claudine feels warm hands slowly peel back her fingers from her face. She chances a glance up only to meet Maya's eyes full of tenderness. "Every audition and performance we have ever had is a testament to that. But do we not still try our best and do we not still go out there to perform because doing anything else is just out of the question."
"Not everything is about the stage," Claudine grumbles in response, her bravado slowly deflating, taking a tentative step back, though Maya is still holding her. "I'm just so afraid that if things go sideways between us...since, you know, you're so insufferable most of the time, th-that the pain of being apart would...ruin us for good."
"And do you think that how we've dealt with each other this past month is preventing that ruin?"
Claudine turns her face away, shame and embarrassment coloring her face. She really has been doing a terrible job at all of this.
"Claudine, please look at me." Ever so slowly, Claudine lets her face be guided by Maya's hand on her chin, nudging it back to face her. "How can I be scared if you're with me?"
Why does this maddening girl always have to word things like this. They're in the least romantic spot in this apartment and yet…
Maya brings up the hand that had been holding onto her chin and, ever so gingerly, brushes aside Claudine's bangs with her index finger, the tip grazing Claudine's forehead.
"How can I be scared if it means that I get to spend my time with you?"
Maya's hand trails back down until she clutches the ends of Claudine's blonde curls.
"How can I be scared if it means being by your side?"
Maya's hand travels to the side and gently caresses Claudine's forearm.
"How can I be scared if it means that you get to love me in return?"
Maya's hand never loses contact with her skin until their fingers are finally intertwined.
"Tell me, Saijou Claudine. How can I be scared if it's you?"
The image of her best friend looking at her with nothing but love and affection blurs as the tears that Claudine has fought so hard to keep away this entire time spills over and lands squarely on their joined hands. Before more falls, she lunges forward and hugs the other girl, clutching onto her for dear life. Maya, simply, releases the hold of their joined hands and wraps her arms around Claudine.
Maya, ever a Tendou, is so unfair.
;;
After some time, once she's gotten a hold of her tears and sobs, Claudine pulls herself away from Maya's grasp. The other girl lets her.
"Wait, wait. I-I still need to make this right," she says with a shake of her head trying to clear her thoughts. She clenches her fist to steel herself.
"I'm sorry, Maya. For everything. I've gone about this whole thing the wrong way. And to think that you've wasted all this time loving someone like me. I've let my fears make my decisions for me. And I've strung you along far enough. So whatever relationship you want, if it's just friends now, then I'll be happy with it."
"No."
Claudine bites back the sob and quickly turns around, unsure of how to face the other girl. It figures. She really did bring this onto herself. She can't possibly expect Maya to be a saint about this whole affair.
"Oh, right. That's fair."
"That's not what I meant. You're not the only one who've made mistakes here, Claudine. And one person deciding the fate of this relationship is also not something I want."
Claudine feels the warmth of Maya's touch on her shoulder. She allows her body to be turned around so that they're once again facing each other.
"I want us to decide together how we choose our paths. Despite what I have said earlier, I do have my own fears."
"What could you be afraid of?" Claudine asks, somewhat in disbelief. After all that's transpired today, she can't fathom how Maya would be scared of anything.
"My lack of action and communication, for one. I nursed my affection for you for years culminating to-" Maya signals with a wave at their current predicament. "Perhaps if I had just been more courageous in the past."
"I think it would've been messier than how it is now. I wasn't ready for you."
"And are you ready for me now?"
Claudine keeps quiet, but she puts on a determined face and gives the other girl a small nod.
With a small and gentle smile, Maya presses on. "My unbridled intensity in all of what I do, is another. I'm fully aware that I can often be...a lot, to the point that some have even regarded me as excessive."
"Isn't that for me to decide?"
Maya's brow raises, pointedly looking at her. "I could say the same."
Claudine closes her eyes and releases a sigh, conceding. "You're right. From now on, we do this together. I want to do this together with you. If it's not, you know, too late."
Maya's gaze softens and she steps forward to occupy the space in front of Claudine. "It's not too late," she responds with finality. Her violet eyes bore into Claudine, expectant.
Claudine chews the inside of her cheek before allowing herself a grateful smile on her lips. She doesn't need to be told twice. Using her newfound resolve and the years of their pent up feelings to propel her forward, she closes the remaining distance between them until their lips make contact.
Soft. Soft. Oh so soft.
Instinctively, her arms quickly make their way around Maya's neck. Claudine tightens her hold when she feels the brunette pull her closer, strong arms encircling her waist and holding her steady. They break apart after several moments but never straying too far from one another's lips, giving each other small chaste kisses here and there, relishing at the new development in their relationship. After weeks, months, years of dancing around one another never quite defining their roles until now.
Their eyes meet, magenta against violet, and gone is the tenderness replaced swiftly with wanton desire and hunger for each other. Not just today, but for all the years they have to make up for.
When they come together again, Claudine deepens the kiss, their bodies suddenly needing more support. She pushes forward and she feels Maya's body hit the wall with a thud. Surprisingly, they don't break the kiss.
More. She wants so much more. Greedily, hungrily, she's starving for Maya. She's denied herself for this long and all she wants is-
"More."
When she senses the brunette grin against her own lips, she realizes that she's probably said that out loud.
Overwhelmed and out of breath, Claudine pulls away, eyes still closed, a content smile on her face. When she opens her eyes, she slides one of her hands up to Maya's cheek and holds it there. Maya leans into the touch and Claudine gently caresses her cheek with her thumb.
She makes a silent promise to herself - to the both of them - here and now:
Claudine, ever a Saijou, will try her best to face her fears so that she can love Maya with all of her heart.
;;
When the damned words come up again, it's almost half a year later, and Claudine realizes that they hadn't escaped her own mouth.
They're sitting at one of the academy gardens benches while waiting to meet up with Futaba and Kaoruko for dinner.
"Say words again," she commands, checking to see if she has indeed heard what she thought she heard.
Maya tilts her head, throwing he a questioning glance. "Pardon?"
"Repeat what you just said."
The brunette releases an amused laugh. "You haven't been listening to me, have you?"
She doesn't bother lying; open communication is their motto, after all. "Well, I'm listening now."
Maya rolls her eyes, but otherwise reveals a small carton up towards Claudine. Her magenta eyes widen in excitement at the sight of her favorite dessert being offered to her by her most favorite person. "I said, I hope my future wife appreciates the lengths I had to go to retrieve this specific brand."
Maya, ever a Tendou, continues to embarrass her.
"Y-y-you can't just say stuff like that! We're in public, for crying out loud! And what if Kaoruko was here? God, we'd never hear the end of it!" she exclaims in panicked bewilderment. It only further brings great amusement to Maya's features, clearly enjoying the reaction, the carton of macarons momentarily forgotten.
"Mon dieu, Tendou Maya! That shit's embarrassing! And how can you be so certain I'd even say yes to you?!"
Maya just hums in response before taking Claudine's left hand and brings it up to her lips for a small kiss. It only serves to fluster Claudine even more, tinted cheeks getting redder by the second. "I'm not. But I think you will."
Claudine groans in mild annoyance but maintains their held hands. "Well, who knows," she starts to say, regaining her composure. "We'll just have to wait and see when that happens."
Despite her irritation at her girlfriend's teasing, Claudine can't help but admit that the sound of being Maya's future wife does have a nice ring to it, after all.
- end -