A/N: I didn't want to make you all wait so long again. This chapter doesn't have big events but I promise there will be some soon!
Weeks went by without any action from Olivia with her decision to leave SVU, not because she had changed her mind, she hadn't, more that there were more decisions to be made before anything could be done. That's what was stopping her, those other decisions, how to tell Fin and the rest of the squad, what to do next, and all the other smaller ones her mind couldn't even formulate through the hyper-anxious thought process that was currently using most of her brain power.
The longer she waited the harder things were becoming. Rafael wouldn't say anything but, sometimes, when she looked at him, really looked, she could see the question in his eyes; when are you leaving Liv? Maybe she was projecting, she didn't know, couldn't be sure. It's just that this life, this job, is all she has ever known and she isn't sure who she is without it.
One night Olivia finally voices this fear to Rafael, "Rafa, what if this job is all that I am?"
She feels like a chicken for asking him in the dark grey hours of the night, when the lights from the street below were strong enough to pull some black from the night, but only just enough to make it grey. She doesn't want him to see how afraid she is; of her own fear, of his judgement, of his answer, any of it. So she asks while they are looking for sleep and she isn't touching him at all.
The sound of the sheets ruffling while he readjusts his body is so loud Olivia is sure everything is somehow being amplified, things are always seem louder at night, but not like this. Rafael must be facing her now, she is sure of it. Then she sees his silhouette move and a triangle of light breaks through and Liv knows Rafa is propping his head on his hand, elbow bent and pushing down into the mattress, looking down at her. Looking down on her, just what she doesn't want, his judgement, disappointment in her.
She is definitely overthinking things.
The moments before he speaks stretch on and get heavy, pressing down on Olivia's chest with their weight. She hears him lick his lips and closes her eyes in an attempt to protect herself from his words.
"Look at me Olivia," Rafael requests softly, her eyes snap open, shocked he knew they were even closed. "Who are you?"
Liv's mouth opens and a weird attempt at words that sounds more like a cat learning to meow than anything comes from her throat. Clearing her throat she tries once again, confused, "Olivia Benson?" The inflection she puts into her words makes them sound as if she is question even that.
Rafael ignores her trepidation and continues to pick at her fears, "who?" His tone is still very loft, light, genuine.
She feels more sure of herself this time, "Olivia Benson."
"That's right, you are Olivia Benson. Do you want me to tell you about her?"
She nods, and knows he can't exactly see the action but the noise of it is enough.
"Well, the Olivia Benson I know is one of the most passionate women I have ever met, and it isn't just her job. She is passionate about her son, the rights of others, educating anyone and everyone about consent and safety, learning to cook no matter how badly some of things she makes come out," he gets a watery chuckle for that one. "Olivia Benson, she is a mother, Noah Porter Benson is her son and light of her life. Becoming a mother gave her the good in the world, she saw it there but didn't really get to experience it, not enough of it anyway, but with him she can.
"She secretly loves trashy crime novels that involve characters that seem to be infinitely good looking and have way too much sex to have any time to solve crimes. Olivia Benson is strong, when life pushes her down or tells her no she doesn't listen, she fights for what she wants. She is a role model to so many young woman and girls who tell her she is their hero, or that they want to be just like her when they grow up. She is loving, to her family, her fianceé, her friends, even strangers.
"Olivia Benson is so many things and if she asked me to I would tell her all of them. But she is also human, she is afraid of change, of the unknown, but so was I when I had to face it. Her humanity is the best thing about her, if you ask me, and I am so in love with her." Rafael finishes and pulls her into his chest to let her breathe and take in what he has just said.
"Rafa… I don't what to say to that," Liv's breathing is shallow, warm puffs of it billow on the skin of his neck. She pulls back to look at his face, as best she can in current lighting, "you're the best man I have ever known and I can't believe I am lucky enough to have you."
Rafael plucks up one of Olivia's hands and presses it to his chest, "it's not luck Liv, it's everything you do and everything you are that got me. And, for what it's worth, you have all of me."
Her fingers flex into his chest for a moment before speaking again, "it's worth everything Rafa," before he can respond Liv kisses his lips chastely, and then, takes his bottom lip between both of hers to swipe her tongue along it. She is very effective in silencing his thoughts and words.
After pulling away from him Olivia lays her head to his pillow and waits for him to do the same. They cuddle close and comfortably as they settle to for sleep.
The next week Liv was sitting on the couch filling out her retirement paperwork, including the paperwork to begin receiving her pension benefits. She had just come home from work, and changed into leggings and one of Rafael's t-shirts before breaking out her favorite pen and putting it to paper.
Rafael isn't home from work yet and Noah is at Lucia's so Olivia has the apartment to herself for the moment. Deciding to create the least stressful environment, while filling out forms that scare the hell out of her, Olivia pours herself a glass of wine and throws on some sappy love songs, that she would never tell anyone she likes. Before she knows it she is singing along, filling out paperwork and being totally comfortable doing so.
About halfway through her first packet of papers Rafael walks through the door, tie loosened, top two buttons undone, but otherwise impeccable. Liv doesn't seem to notice his arrival however, as it happens without any action from her, and the music plays on. Adele happens to be playing at the moment, Rafael smirks and takes a moment to take Olivia in. Her head is nodding along to the music and her focus is solely on her paperwork, and nothing else.
Finally he takes a step into the apartment, "hola mi amor."
Liv's head pops up, surprised she now has company. Her surprise fades quickly after taking in Rafael's form and her expression morphs into a peaceful kind of happy, "hi baby."
"I'm going to change into some sweats and I'll be right back out," he starts off toward the bedroom but stops when he sees Olivia reach for her phone, assuming she is going to switch off the music, "don't turn it off, I like it. If you're lucky maybe I'll even sing to you." With a wink Rafael is moving down the hallway to change.
True to his word he reappears minutes later in sweatpants, hanging low on his hips, and a t-shirt Noah had bought for him that is pulled tight over his chest in a very alluring manner. The combination of the low slung bottoms and the tight fitting shirt has Raf's hip bones, and a bit of his stomach, on display and Olivia doesn't mind the sight in slightest.
Besides looking up at him to take in his appearance Olivia is still focused on her retirement paperwork. She is sitting stretched out of two and a half couch cushions with her back propped against the armrest. Rafael lifts her feet into his lap when he sits himself down. Liv finishes whatever she had been writing and twists to toss the packet onto the coffee table before picking up her wine.
Just before taking a sip, with the glass near her mouth, Olivia takes another moment to greet Rafael, pressing her toes into his thigh, "hi you."
He watches her as she sips her wine and shifts in his seat to angle closer to her, as she brings the glass back down he leans in further, intending to kiss her. Rather than doing so, however, Raf begins to giggle, "oy nena, your lips."
Liv gives him a curious look and uses the back of her hand to wipe at her mouth, not seeing anything on her hand she addresses Raf, "what about them?" There is an edge in her voice, though it isn't anger, merely confusion.
Unable to rid himself of the smirk he leans toward her once more, "you have red wine lips."
Her hand goes to her mouth a second time, regardless of the fact that she still won't find any evidence of it, and she wipes at her lips. Realizing her efforts are for nothing Olivia rolls her eyes before sighing, "ugh, I've only had the one glass!"
The exasperation of her tone sets Rafael giggling again, "isn't that the wine Carisi gave you? I bet he is somehow behind this."
And, for whatever reason, Olivia isn't sure if it is his giggling or light hearted jab,or what, but his comment sets her off into a full fledged laughing fit. Moments later Rafael joins in on her enjoyment and his laughing along with her. Olivia has to hold her stomach after some time of laughing, before she knows it tears are making their way down her face and she is pitching over the side of the couch onto the floor. It isn't a far drop and the sheer fact that she is, very nearly, rolling on the floor with laughter only spurs more of it. Eventually, after some deep, heaving breaths, Rafael helps hoist her back onto the couch where she spins herself around and drapes her legs over the armrest and lays her head in his lap.
Finally Rafael lifts his feet to set them at the edge of the coffee table, elevating Liv closer to him in the process, and leans down to press a kiss to her lips. Olivia uses a hand at the back of his head to keep him close to her, "I love you so much."
"What a strange coincidence, because, I love you so much, too." Rafael lightly brushes the tip of his nose to Olivia's in an Eskimo kiss to punctuate his words. He relaxes his legs to a more comfortable level and Olivia's head moves with them.
Neither of them speak, they rest and listen to the song's lyrics wash over them. Rafael's hand eventually comes to rest on Olivia's breastbone, beneath her shirt. Here he is able to feel the heat of her skin and the beating of her heart. As his hand stays where it is Olivia brings one of her own to lay on top of it, her forearm sitting between her breasts. There is comfort in each beat of their hearts, each breath they take, and every note they hear.
Though she is loath to break apart the atmosphere they find themselves in Olivia wants to share her news, "so." She starts small, gets his attention and eases them out of their quiet.
"So," Rafael repeats, turning his attention Liv's way.
Olivia smiles up at him, feeling content in this process for the first time since she started, "you are going to be getting married to a retired lady." Her words are almost smug.
Not one to give away the upper hand Rafael says, "what's the male version of a cougar?"
Liv swats at the part of his leg next to where her head rests with the back of her hand. "Ha ha, you are very funny," she pushes back to a sitting position. As soon as she is upright and facing Rafael Olivia begins again, "seriously though, I got a job offer that I'm actually interested in this time. My paperwork is almost complete."
Bringing a hand up Rafael rests it against Liv's cheek, taking a moment to survey her, really take her in. He sees a serenity in her, a calmness that she hasn't had any other time they have had a conversation like this.
"Tell me," Rafa prompts.
"A teaching post at NYU, they need more Criminal Justice professors and have reached out to me before but I wasn't ready yet. I think I'm going to call to set up an interview." There is the first hint of insecurity in her.
"Liv, that's incredible! You are exactly the right person to teach young minds who plan to go into law enforcement. Really, I can think of no one better for the job," and he can't.
Grasping his hand Olivia takes it from her face to press kisses to his palm. Very much enjoying this playful and light mood they are sharing she also bites at the heel of his hand, at this he quickly jerks his hand away from her.
Liv lets it go to look at him again, "and they told me about this defense class they offer female students that they are hoping I might be an instructor for. They call it RAD, it stands for rape aggression defense. It is basically what to do it the event of an attempted assault or rape. I think it is the right way to go."
Rafael can only feel happiness in himself for her happiness, "me too."
Tomorrow is Saturday and there are no plans for the morning but sleep, and no alarms. Rafael and Olivia are woken up by their secondary alarm system - Noah.
The little bundle of manic energy unleashes himself on his parents early the next morning, storming into their bedroom proclaiming, "Momma, Daddy! Abuelita y yo are going to get pancakes! Please come with us?"
His Abuelita is trailing behind her grandson, tired, after having attempted to hamper his progress in interrupting his parent's sleep. Lucia stops in the doorway taking in the sight of the family in their own home. Even though they have just had a rude awakening Lucia can see the sleepy kind of happiness both Raf and Liv are both experiencing having their boy in bed with them. Raf pulls Noah in with one arm, bringing his little body on top of his own.
Noah throws his head back laughing on top of his dad, "morning Daddy!"
Tickling his son's sides, leaving loud smooches, and blowing raspberries in any spot he can reach Rafael has Noah laughing and squirming by the time he loudly answers, "bueños dias hijo." Finally Rafael ends his onslaught on the boy, "now I think I heard mention of pancakes?"
"Sí Papí! Vamos!" Noah pulls on Raf's hands attempting to get him upright and out of bed.
Olivia is propped up on her elbow taking in the sight of her two guys. For the longest time in her life Olivia never imagined she would get this and now she is laying bed, not dreaming, but living that dream.
Sighing Liv drops back to the pillow to make eye contact with Lucia and the two share a small smile, enjoying the scene playing out for them. A moment later Liv throws the blanket away from her, "well, what are we waiting for? Let's go get pancakes!"
All together the family of four heads out and gets their much awaited pancakes.
Lucia also had somewhat of an ulterior motive for the outing, while cutting into her arepas (a corn pancake sandwich with cheese in the middle) she does her best to sound innocent as she asks, "so have you two made any more decisions about the wedding?"
Groaning Rafael drops back into his seat, "Mamí por favor."
Olivia puts a comforting hand on top of Rafael's, "not many but I told Rafi I want him wearing suspenders to match my bouquet. There will be some color in the ceremony, I know you weren't thrilled with the black and white idea. I thought it might be kind of cool to have us be the only ones with any colors on us."
"Oh mija, I love it," and she does, "anything else?"
Liv smiles into her next bite while Rafael rolls his eyes, "no not yet." After a pause, "maybe we can see the garden today?"
Rafael shrinks in on himself, anxious and apprehensive about what reaction he might get from everyone.
Noah doesn't disappoint though, "yay!"
The hand Olivia had rested on Rafael's squeezes it, "I would love to see it." She leans into his side, "will you take me on the walks you took Abuelita on?"
Rafa drops his forehead to Liv's temple, "I would love to."
Lucia claps her hands together in victory, "perfect!"
As soon as the bill is paid Rafael wrangles everyone into the car and drives them all to the Bronx. Lucia has opted to sit in the backseat with Noah and they are currently making silly faces for the selfies Noah has insisted they take. Noticing their antics Olivia pulls out her phone and gets their attention.
"Smile!" Olivia directs while leaning over to get them all in the picture, save Raf who needs to be focused on the road.
They park and pay their way in. Rafael takes Olivia's hand, "Noah, Mamí, Olivia are going to go for a walk, we will meet back up with you soon okay?"
Even though it's fall the beauty of the place isn't lessened in any way. Hand in hand Liv and Raf stroll down a dirt pathway of winding trees dotted through with plants.
"Tell me about her," Liv requests softly.
"She was the best thing in my life growing up," Rafael starts easily. "Whenever things would get really bad with my father and I had to get away she would save me. Abuelita told me all about Cuba, all about where I came from. She would help me with my Spanish. Abuelita, she taught me so much, showed me so much. With Mamí and dad I didn't feel like I had a place in life, Mom was always so busy working and keeping our family together and functioning and Dad was dad. But Abuelita, she always had time and a place for me."
Everything that comes out of Rafael's mouth Olivia takes in and cherishes, there aren't many times she can remember when he opened up quite this much and she isn't going to take it for granted.
The entire time they walked Rafael talked, he spoke about things he held in for so long that by the time they reach the conservatory everything feels lighter.
"Thank you Olivia, I needed this so much. I needed to feel close to her again, somewhere, and with someone, that doesn't hurt. You heal me everyday we are together. I love you everyday, and I am thankful for you everyday." Rafael has his eyes closed, not to close himself off to her, but to really settle into the emotion he is feeling, to find it deep within himself and express it to her, "I can't wait to marry you."
"I love you baby, and I feel so honored that you let me see every part of you, even the parts you don't want people to see, especially those parts. I love all you and the day we get married I will get to love that part of you and I am so excited for it." Liv tells him honestly.
Feeling closer than ever Olivia and Rafael make their way to meet back up with Lucia and Noah inside the garden's conservatory. And finally they can really see their wedding, see the day as they want it. And, just as Lucia wanted, they are excited to do the planning part they have been avoiding. The wedding isn't going to be on the back burner any longer they are going to jump right in and get to the "I do's."
A/N: So obvi there is more coming. I think the next part of it is going to be really focused on the wedding. See you soon (hopefully)
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