Disclaimer: hey! You'll never guess what! It turns out I don't own Harry Potter!
Feel free to post constructive criticism, I happen to love it (not as much as you 'You are brilliant! I love your writing! When I grow up I want to be just like you!' kind of stuff, but I'm not really expecting that!)
This song-fic is based on 'In The End' by Linkin Park (I don't own the song either just so you know!)
In The End
'Severus…' I panted. My insides were squirming from the poison. I could feel my composure melting away. My dignity dripping into oblivion as I steadied my grip on the wall. It was time. I had known the events were going to take place, but never so soon. I wish I could have seen Harry through into adulthood. But that will never happen. It is my time to go.
I should be calm, peaceful. I know I am ready for death. I have been part of this world for one hundred and fifty years. I have seen both wizarding and muggle kind flourish. I have passed my knowledge and morals on to generations of good wizards. I have save lives. Regrettably, I have taken life. I have seen and helped many great wizards and witches grow and succeed in life. I have seen life. I have seen death. I am ready for my next great adventure.
But why do I feel as if I have taken the easy option?
I see Severus raise his wand. It is pointing at my chest. I spare a glance for the space where Harry is bound by my curse. I can almost feel the fear radiating off him.
I am ready for my death.
But Harry is not.
'Severus… please…' It is not the right time. I need longer! Harry has seen so much! How could I let this happen? What have I become?
Severus keeps his wand steady.
I have made a terrible mistake.
'Avada…'
It starts with one thing,
Don't know why.
It doesn't even matter how hard you try.
Keep that in mind,
I designed this rhyme,
To explain in due time.
I hade made so many mistakes in my one hundred and fifty years. The guilt od too many bad decisions weighs heavily on me. Though the suffocating guilt of taking life would always drown it out, haunting me forever.
The guilt I had left Harry to deal with on his own.
All I know,
Time is a valuable thing.
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings.
Watch it count down to the end of the day.
The clock ticks life away,
It's so unreal.
Didn't look out below;
Watch the time go right out the window.
Trying to hold on,
But didn't even know.
Wasted it all just to,
Watch it go.
I kept everything inside and even though I tried,
It all fell apart.
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when…
Ten. For ten years I left Harry with the Dursleys. For ten long years I had turned a blind eye on the savoir of the wizarding world. Ten years of relative peace. For me. Alas, it was ten years of abuse for Harry. How do you give an orphan of one-year-old peace? Would it have been better to let him grow up surrounded by wizards? But risk Harry becoming spoiled and complacent? Or take the easy route, and lock him in a cupboard for ten years? Even now I wonder whose peace I was gaining. Harry's? The wizarding community's? My own?
I tried so hard.
And got so far.
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter.
I had to fall,
And lose it all.
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter.
Peace is a dangerous thing. It is addictive. We crave peace and refuse to see the lack of it when troubles arise. Preferring to look away. Ignoring the problem rather than confronting it. Another mistake to add to my growing list.
I would never forget the fire burning in Harry's eyes after his fifth year. I cried for the life in front of me who had been through so much and had yet to face the worst. I cried for the turmoil a young man had bore on his own. I cried for the young man whose source of wisdom and guidance had abandoned him, adding to the immense suffering. I cried for the young man's life that I had damaged beyond repair. I had never shed a tear before that night.
One thing.
I don't know why.
Doesn't even matter how hard you try.
Keep that in mind,
I designed this rhyme,
To remind myself,
How I tried so hard.
The sense of pride I felt for Harry was overwhelming. He had battled so much and never gave up. He took the responsibility that was given to him and didn't abuse it. He never pushed his friends away as I feared he might. Any less of a boy, no, a man, would have rejected his life, leaving it for waste, leaving his life to become controlled by the colossal task ahead. Or giving in and giving up on life, believing he was destined to die.
In spite of the way you were mocking me.
Acting like I was a part of your property.
Remembering all the times you fought with me.
I'm surprised,
It got so far.
Things aren't the way they were before.
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore.
Not that you knew me back then.
But it all comes back to me.
In the end,
You kept everything inside and even though I tried it all fell apart.
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I…
Travelling to Privet Drive in the previous summer, I had wondered how Harry would be coping with the loss of the closest thing he had to a father. Not to mention the weight of the prophecy. I had thought I would never gain his trust again. I had betrayed him, to put it simply. If I had trusted Harry to be capable of handling the knowledge of the prophecy, the events that led up to Sirius falling behind the veil would never have happened. Another load of guilt had settled itself on my heart. Another death that I could be accounted for.
But Harry forgave me. I could not have asked any more of him. If I were in his shoes, I would most likely have made a different decision altogether. I knew Harry felt responsibility for his Godfather's death. It had been painfully obvious with his actions in my office. And there was still a glimmer of guilt in his eyes during out conversation in the Weasley's broom shed. It will always be there is you look close enough. If you look past the emerald twinkle you will see a haunted soul, tainted with pain and guilt. For one's eyes to twinkle, one must suffer. I have seen it in both Severus' and Harry's. And I know it shows in mine.
Tried so hard,
And got so far.
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter.
I had to fall,
And lose it all.
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter.
I remember wishing for someone to relieve me of responsibility. I remember having to make the decision between the lesser of two evils. I know Harry will have to make those choices. I can only hope he will make the right ones.
I put my trust in you.
Pushed as far as I can go.
For all this,
There's only one thing you should know.
Throughout the year I have tried my best to prepare Harry. When Severus had I concocted our plans I knew that Harry's must be prepared. I loathe myself to do this. Harry still needs me, however much I tell myself he is ready. There is no way possible a young man can go through this and come out unscarred. I fear for him. He will struggle; that much is obvious. Who would say a skinny seventeen year old with fairly good marks could defeat a wizard the perfect scored in all of his NEWTs and sixty years of experience behind him?
I would.
I put my trust in you.
Pushed as far as I can go.
For all this,
There's only one thing you should know.
Even now, seconds before my death, I must admit another mistake. I cannot hope he will make the right choices. I must trust him too.
If there were one thing I learnt from this evening, in the cave, leaning on Harry, my frail body intoxicated with poison, feeling not worry, but security with Harry; I would trust Harry with my life.
I tried so hard,
And got so far.
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter.
I had to fall,
And lose it all.
But in the end,
It doesn't even matter.
'… Kedavra.'