Baby sis liked to color.
She didn't know how to draw yet but she did know how to color….sort of. She didn't really know about coloring in the lines…or which colors went together…or even basic shading but none of those things mattered. She was only two and right now all she wanted to do was color. Sho could help her with that. So far today he had mostly been drawing things for her to color in. Simple things. Cats and dogs and people and houses. Simple shapes, the kind of stuff he did when he was about her age. He could draw better than that now and stuff but he didn't want to make it too complicated for her. She was only a baby after all…or maybe a really little kid…but she wasn't him and that was the point.
She was not him.
Sho felt like, for his whole life, that dad had been trying to make him into a smaller version, like a clone or something, of him…and that wasn't how stuff worked. Sho was Sho and dad was dad and…well dad could go suck a bag of dicks if he was going to be like that. He wanted dad to go and suck a bag of dicks. Like someone hid in a public bathroom and chopped them off specifically for dad to suck. That would have been awesome. He wanted that for dad…and he never wanted baby sis to want that to happen to him….so he didn't push her to draw better and color better and hold her crayon the right way or anything like that.
Even if it was kind of hard not to correct her sometimes.
"I draw too! I draw Sho!" said baby sis as she filled in the outline of a person in red. She did him in red and herself in pink. That….made sense. His aura was red and she wore a lot of pink…but her aura was red too. But he wasn't going to say anything to her about that….or about how she really needed to color in the lines. When he'd been little, her age, he'd been able to color in the lines. Mom had said so. She had said that he had even been able to color in the lines better than big sis….
Not that it was a competition.
If baby sis was too little to color in the lines or didn't want to then he wasn't going to stop her. This was good practice, maybe, for when he and Emmy had kids. He was going to be nice to them all the time even if they did stuff like this. He was going to be the nicest dad ever, and uncle too for when big sis had her kids, and also he was already the nicest big brother ever so…so he was getting there. He just had to keep on being nice.
Even if she was really, really, REALLY going out of the lines.
"That's really nice, baby sis. You're doing great!" said Sho. She put her crayon down and held out her hands. She did that thing where she cupped them together. She wanted an M&M. She got rewards when she did good things. Her mom sometimes gave her pieces of fruit and stuff when she put her toys away and ate all her dinner and stuff. Sho….well he wasn't supposed to give her M&M's like he was because she went sugar crazy but….well he couldn't say no to her.
Big brothers did not say no to their little sisters.
"Sho! Now! Please!" said Mukai as she shoved her little baby hands in his face. Sho reached into the M&M's bag with his powers and pulled out one for her. One and only one. A plain one, too, since she didn't like the peanut ones. She sucked on them until the color was gone and then she spat them out….and that was gross…and not in the good way. Not that he was ever as mean as to call her gross. No, that was not at all what a good big brother said to his little sister.
Being a good big brother was hard sometimes.
"Here, you can have one, ok?" said Sho as he put it into her hand. She ate like a bird when he tried to feed her by hand and her baby spit got everywhere. He needed his hands clean and not sticky for what he was doing. She was coloring in one of his sketchbooks, she could have that one since it wasn't important pictures anyway. Sho was working on something important here and he didn't want to get all sticky.
Well important to him, anyway.
"Thank you please!" said baby sis. She knew that you were supposed to say that to be polite but he got the idea that she didn't fully know what she was saying. She could talk more than the last time he saw her but she couldn't talk like a kid yet. Maybe that meant that she was still a baby. He didn't know. The internet had called her a toddler, because she toddled instead of walking, but three year olds were also called toddlers but they were definitely kids.
He knew, he could remember being three.
He remembered sitting at the work table with big sis while mom taught them how to read. He knew hiranga by then, some of it, and mom had been so happy. She used to give him and big sis candy as rewards too. M&M's and Skittles and stuff. Big sis always got more because she knew more than he did…because she was older. Dad, when he came back, had been really impressed because she had read a book to him…even though she just mostly remembered what had happened….and then when Sho hadn't been able to read dad had said that he was a-
"Sho!" shouted Mukai. She was tugging on the sleeve of his jacket now and shoving a crayon in his face, practically up his nose. Right. He had to take care of her. That was something that he had been trusted with. Her mom had called him the best babysitter in all of the Seventh Division…which wasn't saying much considering the weirdos they had working here…but he still had to live up to his title.
And that meant not ignoring baby sis when she needed something.
"What's up?" asked Sho as he took the crayon out of his nose. It smelled like chocolate…probably because she smelled like chocolate. Maybe he needed to stop giving her chocolate….but if he did that then she would have been upset with him and he had no idea what he would do if she was upset with him. She might have decided that she didn't love him anymore….or something….
Or she might have just started crying.
"Again." said baby sis as she took her crayon from his hand. Again. She might have wanted another drawing or another M&M or another piggy back ride or another stroller ride or something that had happened a week ago that he hadn't been there for. Babies were kind of hard to understand in that way….or maybe he was just clueless. Either one would have made sense.
"Again what?" asked Sho. He made an effort not to sound frustrated at all…even though he knew that the 'again' game could go on for hours and end in tears…but if that happened then he would deal with that. He was the big brother after all and that was what big brothers did, they dealt with things.
"Again! Again!" said baby sis again. She didn't get it now, about explaining herself, but that was ok. It didn't make Sho feel frustrated at all. This was part of being the older sibling. This was nothing compared to what he had put baby sis through. Nothing at all.
"Again what, Mukai?" asked Sho
"Again!" said baby sis. This time she tried to poke his eye out. That would have sucked. He wouldn't have been able to see depth anymore and that would have really fucked with his drawing and stuff…and also he'd only have one eye…was it ok to even feel bad about the thought of losing an eye when Shimazaki didn't have any? He didn't know….and it wasn't like Shimazaki was around and shit for Sho to ask him.
No, he was back with the others….and Minegishi….stupid boring annoying Minegishi…
"You want me to draw you another picture? Again picture?" asked Sho. Baby sis nodded and then brought her crayon down onto his sketchbook. He pulled it away but a second too soon. Now there was a big red mark in the middle of his drawing…and that had been one of his important ones…and one of his complicated ones…
But he was not going to get mad.
"Mukai….I told you not to do that before….ok? Give me your sketchbook and I'll draw something for you…alright?" asked Sho. He forced himself to smile while he said that…even though it hurt his face. It felt like his smile was stapled on…but maybe that was good. Maybe feeling that would remind him to keep on smiling. He had to keep on smiling. He could not get mad at Mukai. Big sis never got mad at him and he could never get mad at Mukai, either, even though she was only his pretend sister.
"Again picture! Draw again!" said baby sis. She leaned over him and tried to draw in his sketchbook again…and she made another line…another line right through the middle. He had been working on that for a while…a long while. She…she was a baby and she didn't know how long he had been working on that for…or who that was a picture of….so…so he was not going to get mad at her.
It was easier said than done.
"See? You did it again. Just…stop it." Said Sho. He moved his sketchbook over her head with his powers…and now she thought that he was playing keep away. Now she was jumping up and down. He kept his sketchbook in the air while he quickly drew her another outline of a person. One circle and then a whole lot of rectangles…not even the right way….but he had to get this done.
"Here. See? I drew you another person. This person can be whoever you want it to be. It can be me or you or big sis, you don't remember her but she'd be blue, or your mom or your dad…well you don't have one but you can make a pretend one and-" said Sho as he showed her the drawing he had done. She didn't care. She was still jumping up and down trying to get at the book above her head.
"Sho drawing! Sho book! Here! Now!" said Mukai as she jumped up and down. She wasn't going to get tired anytime soon, he had given her way too many M&M's for that, and…and he wished that he had maybe mixed some sleeping pills in with those M&M's. Not to hurt her but just to make her stop.
"No, that's mine. Well they're both mine but…here. You can have this one, ok? Just…stop it." Said Sho. He didn't know what to do. When big sis said that he couldn't have something he just…did this exact same thing. He asked her and asked her and asked her until she gave in and said yes. Was this how she felt? Was this how he acted? Like….like a two year old? Did she feel the same way? Like she wanted to pull her hair out?
He didn't know…and he didn't pull his hair out either.
"No! That! Now!" said baby sis. Sho covered his eyes with his hands and took a deep breath. Why did she want his things? She had her own things! She was being so…so….he didn't want to think badly of her but….she was being like…him. He didn't know why. He had done his best to make sure that she ended up being someone better than who he was and…and she was all…like this….and….
And he sucked as a big brother.
"Mukai…come on. Do you want…you want another M&M? Or do you want another ride? Or do you want to draw with markers? We can draw with my special artist markers even though you always push them in too much…or we could-" said Sho. Her mom had told him to distract her when she got like this….and he was trying his best….but she was tugging on his hair now and shouting….and her hands were somehow wet and sticky at the same time….
"Want that! Want drawing! Now! Want it now!" said Mukai
"You….you said 'it' and….and that's a good thing. You've never said that before and I'm happy for you, baby sis." Said Sho. He couldn't look at her. He had to keep his head in his hands. It was dark here. It was dark here and he needed the darkness. He needed to be able to think. He needed to think and breathe and count like the book said. One….two….one and a half….two and a half…one and three quarters….two and three quarters….
He didn't get very far.
"Sho! Now! It now! Want it now!" shouted baby sis as she tugged at another fistful of his hair. She…was just a baby and…and she didn't know any better…and it was his job to teach her how to be better. He was the big brother here, not the little brother, and he had to act like a big brother.
It was hard. He fucked up.
"You can't have it now! It's mine!" shouted Sho. It was like he was watching someone else. He…he knew that words had been said but…but it took his brain a minute to figure out that he had said them…even though it was his stupid brain that had told him to say that shit in the first place! Fuck you brain! Either do your job or…or…or get brain worms!
He wished that he had brain worms.
Then…then what he had done wouldn't have been his fault. It was his fault. He had shouted at her. That had been him. It had felt like someone else had been controlling him but…not. That had been all him. He had been the one to shout…and he had been the one to make his baby sister cry. Pretend or not he should not have made her cry like that. Her little eyes were full of tears and…and she was walking backwards from him…like she was scared….
She was scared of him.
"I-I'm sorry just…here!" said Sho. He tossed the stupid sketchbook at her…and then he ran away. He ran to his room as fast as he could and he threw himself onto the bed. He pulled the covers up over his head and covered his mouth with both of his hands. He tried to keep the shouts in…but he couldn't. He had yelled at her. He had yelled at his own baby sister. He was the worst human being who had ever lived.
Worse than dad.
At least dad never pretended to be anything other than what he was. He was crazy, he was a jerk, and he didn't like Sho at all. Sho…he liked baby sis…he loved her…but he had still been a jerk to her. She was crying, now, in the other room and that was all because of him. He had been a jerk and…and maybe that was just who he was. He had come from a jerk and that meant that he had jerk DNA inside of him and…and maybe there was no escaping that. Just like how big sis had gotten her bossiness from dad he must have gotten his jerkiness from him too….
He was the worst.
He held his hands over his mouth until he ran out of screams. He kept them there until he couldn't scream anymore….and then the crying started. How could he have done that to his own little sister? How could he have made her feel that bad? What was he crying for? He wasn't the one who had someone a million times bigger than him screaming! She…she was so small and sad…and he had hurt her feelings….and now she was crying and she must have felt smaller than she already was….Sho knew what it was like to feel that small….
Nobody ever should have had to feel that small.
He bit himself. He had made her feel small so he had to feel bad. He bit himself as hard as he could…which wasn't hard enough to break his skin because he was a baby like that. He should have bit himself hard enough to break his skin. That was what he deserved. That was what someone like him, someone who had hurt the feelings of someone small and helpless who trusted him, deserved. He deserved that and so much more. He deserved to be boiled in oil. He deserved to have his whole body covered in citrus juice…like lemon juice and stuff…and he deserved to have his organs took out of him while he was alive and then put into jars like in that movie….and he deserved to be trapped in a dimension cube….like in that other movie…and he deserved….
Well he deserved all the bad things in the world but right now he was going to have to settle for biting his drawing hand really hard.
He bit his hand even though he had promised big sis years ago that he would never do anything to hurt himself ever again. He bit his drawing hand even though he needed it to draw with. If he never drew again then that would have been a good punishment. He had yelled at her over a drawing….a drawing?! He had a million of them. It wasn't like he could never draw again…and…and that…that hadn't even been a good drawing! That had just been another drawing of….of someone who….of someone who he had drawn before…someone who he missed….someone who…someone who would never love him back….
So it didn't matter if baby sis scribbled all over it with her little baby crayon….or hit him over the head with it.
"Wake up! Wake up Sho!" said baby sis as she hit him over the head with his sketchbook. He could feel the rings hitting him. He deserved to be hit by her, he had yelled at her, and he deserved her taking her anger out on him…well he would have if she had been angry. She didn't sound mad at all.
He pulled the covers off of his head.
She was smiling. Her whole mouth was covered in chocolate…and her hands too…and she was smiling. She had marker all over her face and arms…and she smelled like soda and…and how long had he been in there for? Sometimes he lost track of the time…he hadn't been asleep like she thought but….but he had lost track of the time…really badly this time…
But that was ok. She wasn't mad at him anymore.
"Good morning!" said baby sis. Sho…it hadn't been all night. These apartments didn't have windows but he knew that it hadn't been all night. If it had been then here mom would have come looking for her…and also Fukuda would have come looking for him…so….it wasn't morning yet…but it had been long enough for her to get up to baby mischief….but also long enough for her to stop crying…
But that didn't mean that he was off the hook.
"Come here, baby sis, I want to talk to you about something." Said Sho. He picked baby sis up with his powers and sat her next to him on the bed. When you fucked up you were supposed to say sorry and when stuff happened that someone smaller than you didn't understand then you were supposed to explain it. Like Fukuda did for him. Like the time he had told dad about Emmy. He had said sorry and he had explained why he did it and…and the betrayal had hurt more than anything else in the whole world but…but it had gotten better and now he and Fukuda were ok again.
So he just had to make things ok again with baby sis.
"Again! Sho do again!" laughed baby sis as he brought her in for a landing. Even though he was putting her down on a bed he was still careful with her. He had to be. She was small and so much bad stuff could happen to her. She needed him to keep her safe…and she couldn't feel safe with him if he yelled at her. He knew what it was like when the person who was meant to keep you safe yelled at you…and it wasn't a good feeling at all.
"In a minute. Let me just…explain to you why I got upset, ok?" asked Sho
"This. You for this. This for you." Said baby sis as she shoved the sketchbook into his chest. She…wasn't listening…or maybe she was and she just wasn't acting like it. Either way he wasn't going to stop now…and he wasn't going to get mad at her either…even though she had scribbled on pretty much all of his good sketches it seemed like….but that was ok. This was not worth getting upset with her over.
Very little was worth getting upset with her over.
"Wow…you sure did a lot of coloring." Said Sho as he flipped through the mess she made. This was…a lot of work he would have to do later….but that was ok since he liked to draw and…and he loved her…and he was not going to get upset again.
"You! Me!" said baby sis as she pointed to the pink and red scribbles all over the page. She…had been trying to draw them…and that was ok. She was…smart like that…to draw the both of them. She was such a smart baby like that and he loved her…and he didn't hold it against her…and he was not mad at her at all.
If anything he was mad at himself.
"That's us? You did a good job…but listen. The reason I yelled at you before is…I didn't want you to draw over my stuff, ok? This is…this is important to me, ok? This is a really important thing to me." Said Sho
"This a book." Said Mukai. She slapped the sketchbook just in case he was the one who forgot words all the time and not her. She was so smart like that.
"It is. This is a sketchbook….um….I sketch someone who's really important to me here. See? That's….I told you about Shimazaki before. That's him and…and I draw him a lot because I miss him and…and I love him and stuff." Said Sho. He had told her before….but that had been when she had been too little to tell other people. That had been back when she'd been a baby-baby, not a toddler baby, but…he could trust her with this…right? He could. He loved her.
"I love you!" said Mukai. She leaned down and kissed his arm. He kissed the top of her head while she did that. She got tired of kissing, well more like licking, him and then bit him. He knew that he should have said something but…well her little baby bites didn't hurt that much and…and he'd just gotten through doing even worse to himself earlier anyway so it didn't matter.
"I love you too…but that's not the kind of love that I'm talking about. I'm talking about…stuff that you're too little to understand I guess. Anyway just…you scribbled over something that was important to me and I got mad at you and I yelled and that was wrong so….I'm sorry. Ok? Are we ok?" asked Sho. Baby sis looked at him for a while…like she was thinking about it. For a moment he thought that she might have been thinking it over for real….and that…well that was scary….
She might have been mad at him….she might have never wanted to see him again….
"Again?" asked Mukai. She had every reason to think that Sho would end up yelling at her again. She had every right to think that and…and he wasn't going to get upset with her over that….or ever again. He was never going to yell at her again even if she burnt every sketchbook he had ever drawn or…whatever.
He would never do that to her ever again.
"Again? Mukai, no, I'm never going to yell at you ever again. I promise." Said Sho. He held her little baby hand in his even though hers was sticky and his had a painful bite mark in it. He made sure that he looked right at her with his eyes and his aura when he said this. This was a promise that he was going to do his best not to break.
Not ever.
"Again!" shouted baby sis. She raised her arms up above her head and…oh. That was what she wanted. That was….ok. He could do that. He could do the hell out of that!
"Again ride? Yeah, I can do that! Hang on!" said Sho as he picked her up with his powers. He flew her out of the bedroom and into the living room…where he saw a mess that Fukuda was definitely going to get mad at him about. There were M&M's everywhere….and the walls were all drawn on….and she had spilled his soda….and there were handprints everywhere….and….and this was a big mess….but he could clean it up.
That was what big brothers did.
Big sis cleaned up after him all the time…so he could do the same for baby sis. That was what it was to be the older sibling. You took care of your younger sibling even when they were being a complete and total dick hole…not that Mukai had ever been a dick hole, no, she was just a baby. She had an excuse. He didn't, though, and when he got back to big sis he was going to act less like Mukai and more like…well someone who didn't act like a two year old.
He at least owed her that much after all that she'd done for him….being there and stuff without ever once yelling at him….he missed her so much…even if they didn't color together anymore….