A/N: Well, here we are! Another chapter, and it's even LONGER than the first one! Yay me! I'd like to thank everyone muchly for the reviews and faves, you really made my day! And I was having a really sucky day, so that just makes you more special-er... I lost 3,000 words of this chapter, failed a driving test and then had to take some serious exams, which rather... sucked... Oh, wait, I'm babbling again, sorry! Hope everyone enjoys this chapter, especially -bladegryphon-, -bob the builder- and -AXENATOR-! Thanks so much for reviewing, it makes me so happy, so this one's for you! Woo! (feel free to disown said chapter if it is lousy, lol) (EDIT: Oops... wrong chapter number... so embarrassed...)
WARNINGS:
1). For those of you who are unfamiliar with Dante's Divine Comedy, a contropasso is a punishment that has been constructed to be an opposite course of action in regard to the sin committed. The Violent, as mentioned below, were either submerged in a boiling river of blood, or forced to walk through an arid desert where it rained fire. Cheerful stuff, eh? Meh, at least it shows that Leon's well read... (huggles intelligent Leon, who attacks rabid fan-girl)
2). Believe it or not, ALL of the My Little Pony references are genuine, as I was sad enough to actually go researching. Originally, I was going to compare Cloud's name with a Care Bear, but that just didn't seem creepy and twisted enough, lol.
3). There is trolley-theft in this chapter... I do not endorse the stealing of shopping carts, for I do not wish to be arrested.
4). There is also a small smidgen of PLOT DEVELOPMENT! (gasps)
5). Slight spoilers for FFVIII, but I've changed things around a bit, so it shouldn't be too bad.
DISCLAIMER: Don't own Kingdom Hearts, or anything else that is consequent property of Square-Enix or Disney. I also do not own My Little Pony, the Divine Comedy, or Dance Dance Revolution (although I am rather good at it, despite lacking all the necessary grace to dance, woot!). I do, however, own the tentacle sandwich... Just kidding...
Chapter One: What's in a name?
Once we had finally managed to restrain the thrashing, uncooperative lunatic formerly known as Cloud; a fairly difficult and chaotic task -especially when our efforts really weren't facilitated by Leon's acerbic comments- interspersed with primal screams of struggle and pain, an awkward silence descended as I half sprawled, half exhaustedly fell across the seat of my chair.
Yuffie sighed deeply whilst attempting to smooth the wispy, statically charged strands of her dark hair back into some semblance of order, seeing as the majority of said aforementioned raven tresses were standing at such illogical, gravity-defying levels as to challenge Cloud's, which was really saying something, for at this moment, the blonde looked like he'd jammed a knife into a faulty toaster.
"So…" The blonde barely managed to wheeze into comprehensible English, "What brings you to our neck of the woods?" He cheerily directed the question to the ninja, who had gratefully collapsed onto the seat recently vacated by the pudgy baby-to-be.
Upon noticing her dishevelled state, as she was furiously scrubbing at a suspiciously maroon stain that marred the surface of her habitual khaki shorts, the blonde blushed by way of repentance, and winced rather viscerally when he craned his neck to survey the damage done to his other captor. Judging by said facial expression, the blood was mine, resultant from a vicious wound, which was also a direct consequence of that wanton, flailing elbow to the face.
Apparently, he'd also heard Leon's muttered: "Abandon hope, all ye who enter here", tacked on to the end of his question, what with the fact that he was giving his compatriot a glare heated enough to melt glass.
"And which particular contropasso do you think would suit?" I drawled, wearing an amused, self-satisfied smirk to convey that I was probably the only one at the confines of the horrid little table who didn't think that the quote had been taken from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney.
"Sometimes I think I'd go mad without you…" Leon chuckled, wrapping his deceptively silken hands about the spine of his book.
"Cantos… twelve through… seventeen… I think…" I simpered, tilting my head towards the hardback as the brunette scanned the index. I had to admit that I was thoroughly enjoying the blonde's unmasked jealousy and the self-proclaimed kleptomaniac's utter befuddlement.
"I assume that we can safely remove the profligates and suicides?" He asked slyly, also deriving some sadistic pleasure from holding his considerable knowledge just out of the others' reach.
Initially, I had been surprised that the entire student body hadn't persecuted the pair of us for our closeted intellects and… well… general nerdery, if I'm going to be brutally honest; until Selphie blithely informed me that being both book-smart and snappy dressers somehow elevated us to some sort of godlike status.
She said that the various masteries of martial disciplines and the unadulterated hotness also weren't damaging our chances with any gender we chose to flirt shamelessly with. Then again, Selphie was of a mind that I'd look good in drag, so her opinion wasn't all that trustworthy…
"Leaving us with ample selective choice between physical violence unto others…" I trailed off, curving my lips into a malevolently fiendish grin. "And sodomy." I concluded sweetly, ducking neatly to avoid the projectile flash-flood that was Leon spitting out his mineral water at a velocity nearing the speed of sound.
"Well, originally I was sent here as some sort of messenger, but then the recipient of said message went hurtling out through those doors like Riku was about to self-destruct in T-minus five seconds." Yuffie elucidated as to the reason behind her sudden presence, effectively answering Cloud's earlier question that no doubt the blonde had already forgotten he'd asked.
I nodded gratefully to the coltish girl, highly appreciative that she had distracted Leon from… well… doing murders on me with a cheap plastic chair.
"Just protecting the chaste virtue of my sammich." I shrugged nonchalantly, looking sadly to the decimated remains of my meal. What Sora had actually left, most likely due to the fact that even his mouth could only contain so much, as opposed to out of the goodness of his noble little heart, was rather pathetic looking, seeing as even the lettuce had curled up at the edges, in order to droop rather limply to the bacteria-infested surface of the table. "Which is now no longer fit for human consumption…" I sighed, disgustedly pushing my lunch away with me, feeling paranoid enough to make sure I was out of the general tentacle-grab radius, as I was of more than half a mind that genetic mutation was now inevitable, as opposed to a nightmarish impossibility.
"I'd be more worried about the wrath of one creepy-possessive redhead. I think she'd kill you quicker than salmonella could…" Yuffie laughed, somewhat cruelly, as I didn't believe a little harmless, albeit slightly sexual fun warranted death doled out with oodles of prejudice. "I'm pretty sure the poor boy'll turn up in class with her name gouged into his forehead with a protractor…" She chuckled, apparently mentally entertaining the image of a cowering, branded Sora.
"First of all, for there is more than one flaw to your argument: Knowing Kairi so implicitly, I'd be more prepared to stake my claim on the murder weapon being a compass, seeing as I'm an expert medical witness or whatnot. Secondary evidence comes in the form of it being pretty much physically impossible to inscribe initials into a person's head with something circular; doesn't have any hard, jagged edges, which makes scratching unnecessarily difficult." I stated haughtily, curling my fingers around my chin to portray the look of the pensive detective elite.
"Not to mention the fact that obnoxious, scrawny little boys no longer fall under the sacred rights of property." Leon smirked condescendingly, chalking up another scholarly point against me. We had a quirky sort of rivalry, it was all so cerebral that I sometimes had to doubt if it actually existed.
"You two really need to get some hobbies…" Cloud drawled, effectively cutting off my inhaled breath that had been fated to transform into a petulantly articulate tirade about the various facts, figures and facets of the slave trade.
"Debate is a hobby." Leon shot back, still occasionally skimming through Purgatory whenever the conversation had become too 'lowbrow' to hold his interest.
"Fine… the pair of you need to find some readily accessible hobbies." The blonde sighed melodramatically, furrowing his golden brows as if to convey some sense of eternal suffering.
"I suppose you mean to suggest something along the lines of blitz-ball?" Leon demanded derisively, crinkling up his angular nose at the prospect of the abhorrent sport.
"Ooh… I can already feel the excitement… What did such an activity entail again? Oh… wait… I remember: Catch ball, punt ball into net, participate in general gang-violence, don't drown." I mimicked the orientation speech acerbically, of course delivering the little pep-talk using my own delicate spin on the situation, occasionally flailing closed fists about my general head area in poorly feigned euphoria.
Yuffie snickered childishly at Cloud's crestfallen expression, while Leon's smirk merely mirrored my own.
"So, what are you gonna name Junior?" The Great Ninja asked out of the blue, obviously upon having recognised the hints that our conversation was quickly turning into an all out 'gang-up on poor, stupid Cloud' free-for-all.
"I'd like to hope that you'd stick with apparent tradition and go for something meteorologically based." I grinned wickedly, the tendrils of a truly devilish, half-formed idea already brushing at the back of my mind. "Maybe some sort of precipitation?"
"Huh?" Cloud asked, eloquent as ever.
"Squalls and clouds are both terms associated with the weather… didn't you notice?" Yuffie asked, modelling an expression of confusion and mild horror at Cloud's oblivious, vacant visage.
"A squall is like a string of thunderstorms in a positively homicidal mood. Lightning strikes as furious gusts of wind buffet everything in range, sometimes it hails, sometimes there's a downpour… hell, sometimes there are tornadoes…" I clarified excitedly, tenaciously seizing the opportunity to play teacher. "Clouds are formed from collected water vapour, and they are puffy and white, like marshmallows! There are many types of cloud, including cirrus, cumulonimbus and-"
"I know what a bloody cloud is!" The blonde defended huffily, pouting like a child ready to throw a temper tantrum. Perhaps I went too far by taking out a notepad and doodling a toddler's rendition of said weather phenomenon… then again, the final straw was probably the square house with rectangle door, triangle roof and lame-ass chimney puffing merrily away.
Either that or my Cloud stick-figure getting zapped by lightning coming from the cloud with the grumpy face… I completed my masterpiece with a large, jagged speech bubble containing the woeful words: Oh noes!
"For you, sir." I giggled, handing over the loosely termed artwork to Leon, who folded the piece of paper carefully and slipped it into his copy of the Divine Comedy, effectively finding a way to prevent it from creasing whilst discovering a makeshift bookmark simultaneously.
"I always thought Leon's name was just some dodgy form of shorthand for 'Squalor'…" Cloud suddenly announced in wide-eyed wonderment, much to Squall's apparent chagrin. Yuffie and I had to hold on to each other's shoulders to prevent slipping off our respective crappola chairs and land in a chaotic torrent of shaking limbs and laughter.
"Heh… Shorthand synonymous with filth and destitution aside, I'd definitely prefer 'Squalor' to a nickname for a My Little Pony, 'Cloud Puff'." Leon hissed dangerously, which only served to set the pair of us off again, resulting in the gangly ninja to plummet the short distance to the linoleum, landing hard on her ass with a mixture between an agonised squeal and a guffaw.
"Oh god… I feel like a kid in a candy store… which lame sex joke should I tell first?" I asked Yuffie, who was now rolling about on the floor, in between puerile snickers.
"Hmm… maybe something about 'riding'…" She suggested, waggling her eyebrows with no real subtlety.
"Why the hell does my pony sound like a frikkin' porn star?" Cloud demanded furiously, although his sulkiness was rather spoiled by the fact that I could practically feel the warmth radiating from his blushing.
"You're better off than Banana Surprise…" Leon replied ominously. I managed to stifle my laughter momentarily, in order to look at the clueless Cloud without going cross-eyed.
"How is that dirty? It's fruit! Fruit!" He shrieked indignantly.
"Well…I'm afraid I'm going to have to be blunt about this… but,the 'banana' is what makes the 'cloud puffs', okay?" I clarified; making sure my enunciation was clear and painfully slow, as if I were giving the lecture 'bout the 'birds and the bees' to a child with all the sensibility of someone who chased swans with brittle sticks.
Upon witnessing the abject look of mind-boggling terror that had just graced Cloud's contorted face, even Leon had to hide a snort behind his hand.
"You're all sick, twisted perverts, the lot of you!" The blonde screeched, clamping his hands down over his ears, as if the action could stifle further traumatic explanations from becoming interpretable.
"So, Squall, or should I start calling you 'cowboy' now?" I addressed the still smirking Leon, who was at this moment in a forgiving mood, probably due to the connotation that came with the mention of riding 'Cloud Puff'. "Should you be telling me about some incident in your repressed childhood that led you to a My Little Pony compulsion?" I concluded my query with a fake, cheesy grin as Leon's eyes narrowed to mere slits.
"They belong to my little sister, who happens to be five…" He stated blandly, which pretty much killed all further potential for a mocking diatribe. "If a certain pony, with a purple, tinsel-filled mane and iridescent wings just happened to call to me while I was foraging for a birthday present for the little she-devil, what right have you to mock me for fulfilling my brotherly duties to the best of my ability?" He asked, resulting in a ricochet effect that also left the conversation in its entirety stone dead.
"Technically, we were mocking Cloud instead." Yuffie pointed out helpfully.
"Then I have no further qualms with your behaviour." Leon smirked wickedly, leaning forward to fondly pat the Great Ninja's head like a master would caress the silky coat of a loyal pet that'd just fetched his slippers, papers and pipe.
-When the hell had she gotten back on the chair?-
"Does Elle actually know that you went out and bought an anthropomorphised, plastic pal modelled after yours truly?" Cloud demanded sulkily, putting up an indignant front, as if maintaining his irritation at the former comments of utter perversion. I was pretty sure that he was actually more vexed by the fact that he was the one taking the ribbing for the team while Yuffie was the one receiving the affectionate hair ruffling from He Who Must Not Have Physical Contact… Ever…
Leon looked up to the neon strip lighting, expression close to something rivalling complete disbelief, while Yuffie turned to peer through the large windows gracing the far wall of the cafeteria, having adopted a similarly evoked response of incredulity.
"I don't SEE any pigs…" The girl announced sceptically, which resulted in me having to sink my teeth into my knuckles to stifle another burst of hysterics.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" The pouty blonde questioned suspiciously, his narrowed gaze flickering between the other occupants of the table.
"Well, I didn't think you even knew that there WERE five syllable words… outside of the stuff of fable and legend, of course; let alone ones containing more than ten letters." Yuffie replied snidely, leering contemptuously at the silently fuming Cloud. "I was checking the skies… you know… for flying pigs." She clarified saccharinely, beaming mischievously, as the only response Cloud could summon up was a rather violent looking twitch.
"Wow… do you think he knows Morse Code as well?" I queried shrewdly, internally counting out the dots and dashes that signified each jerked facial muscle.
"If that's the case, then that first, heaven-sent sign shouldn't be too far off…" Leon answered amusedly, never taking his eyes from the ceiling during the entire exchange.
"What, is god finally gonna come through with that IOU? His divine hand parting the heavens to reach down and sheepishly offer Cloud that brain he always wanted?" I giggled, in a highly appealing, masculine manner, I swear…
"I thought that was the Wizard of Oz?" Yuffie butted in smugly, which of course led to a Munchkin rendition of 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road' and further rabid cackling at the blonde's expense.
"Don't make me have to beg for that Apocalypse…" Leon groaned, seemingly even more unwilling and averse to playing responsible adult than usual. "And I don't know why you're laughing, Ellone's renamed a Pony after each and every one of you, so you're in no way exempt from the humiliation." He grunted, deciding that at least by siding with Cloud, we'd stop singing like chipmunks on both helium and crack.
"Ooh! Which one am I?" Yuffie clapped excitedly, no doubt imagining that her Pony/Porn star name could kick several shades of crap out of Cloud's.
"Kimono…" Leon muttered as a reply, which consequently brought about more ecstatic squealing.
"See! I have a ninja-Pony, not some pathetic little plastic-prostitute!" She crowed, sort of dementedly, seeing as I had previously doubted that anyone could be proud of having a bimbo/farmyard-animal equivalent.
"It has paper lanterns on its synthetic ass…" Leon elucidated further, seeming thoroughly amused by the prospect of taking the scrawny girl down a peg or five.
"And Cloud Puff?" She shot back brazenly.
"What appears to be a smiley-faced globule of semen." The stoic brunette answered easily, the corner of his lips quirking upwards. I prayed to every god I had ever heard of that I hadn't pissed him off the day Ellone decided she wanted a Riku-Pony.
"How's about everyone just calm down, okay?" I fairly begged; using the magical power of foresight to pre-empt that the canteen was about ready to be transformed into a battle-scene. "If we're going to be hideously petty, Yuffie's geisha-Pony is just a higher class of whore, which really makes me wonder as to how these toys are approved for use by small children…" I pondered aloud, curling back my upper lip in distaste.
Unfortunately, the situation hadn't been diffused by my words, as they only served to act as a prompt for Yuffie to slug me. Cloud proceeded to snicker like a child…
-Bitch...-
"So, what's Riku's porn star name?" The blonde snickered, pointedly averting his eyes from my Squall-patented death glare.
"Elle dragged me to practically every toy-store in town before she was able to find something suitably fitting." Leon sighed impatiently as I puffed up with pride. I couldn't help it, I just adored that kid, she was so… dare I say it: cute! "Well, I guess it's not that much of a problem, she's always eager for you to take her off my hands." Ah, an ulterior motive, Leon was exploiting my weakness for spoiling Ellone. I wish I had unquestioning slave labour too… "However, buying the affections of small, fickle children with sugar-infusions whenever you think my back is turned is a double-edged sword; she's decided that you're going to marry her." He chuckled, enjoying the way my already pale skin went ashen.
"If I find the police at my door, poking their noses into accusations about paedophilia, I will hunt you down and set you on fire." I growled threateningly, throwing surly glares at the now giggling trio.
-Stupid, traitorous Yuffie…-
"Whatever… Savannah Sage…" Leon smothered a chortle by biting into his lower lip, as Cloud followed suit and practically fell off his chair.
Stupid Cloud and his equally stupid mood-swings… not two minutes ago he'd been churlish enough for me to genuinely believe he was channelling Squall.
Seeing as I desperately needed to become sidetracked, because who honestly wanted to know that they had a plastic Mini-Me called Sunset Stripper or whatever, I entertained the fine line that divided 'ice princess' Cloud and 'air-headed bouncy' Cloud.
Sometimes, I wondered if the blonde was bipolar or just plain weird… I mean, suddenly he'd clam up, not say two words in as many hours, then suddenly stalk furiously away, seeking solitude and a potential punching-bag. Then, as quickly as the lone wolf had appeared on the scene, he was back to jumping about like he was made of Flubber or something, impulsively following his mercurial nature, usually into headache territory for Squall.
Like that time he'd joined Leon and Laguna in a father/son bonding trip to the supermarket… It was quite safe to say that Squall had inherited next to nothing from his ditzy, happy-go-lucky dad, which Leon was eternally grateful for, but such polar differences often resulted in conflict.
Leon's role model of sorts hadn't been the greatest of successes as a parent, possibly due to the fact that Squall had exceeded and surpassed Laguna's maturity levels at around age six.
Where Squall was eloquent and soft-spoken, Laguna was brash, crude, and seemed to hold some sort of vendetta against the English language. Leon was dedicated, persevering and resolute, Laguna had an attention span rivalling that of a brain damaged goldfish.
Hence, under the pretext of a father/son outing, Squall's mother, the long-suffering, possibly masochistic, Raine, had sent her son out to effectively supervise her husband.
Apparently, the last time Laguna had been allowed to shop unaided, he had returned with a trolley full of Rocky Road and Fruit Loops, and two severely winded officers of the law.
Laguna had forgotten to give the trolley back, and having completed his supermarket sweep, had dashed out of the car park, practically sprinting (and riding on the back of the speeding trolley at intervals) the three lengthy miles back to the Loire family home.
The custodians of said trolley hadn't exactly been predisposed to be lenient even before Laguna took off running, blithely oblivious to his surroundings, as was the norm, but Raine had managed to avoid the prospect of prosecution by innocently announcing that her husband was… 'disturbed'…
The security guards hadn't felt the inclination to protest such a claim, as Laguna had turned around, as if only just realising they were there, to wave exuberantly to two random strangers as if they'd been friends all their lives.
Leading us to an unforgettable vista, with Squall virtually crushing the shopping list in one gloved hand, while wielding the basket in the other like an offensive weapon because Cloud had just convinced his father that it would be oh-so-much-'funner' if they did something utterly unconstructive.
Leon was abandoned, seething with barely restrained rage, for the arcade, where the pair of irresponsible 'adults', although only in the eyes of the law, of all things, were all but booed out of the arcade by the Dance Dance Revolution machine.
This was easily explainable, seeing as although Laguna was rather spry, he was also in his mid-forties, and was about as coordinated as a cinder block on cardboard wheels, mounted on balsa wood axels, all of which being inundated in syrup.
Cloud, on the other hand, was in his prime, and was pretty damned nubile when the mood took him. However, he had not a single musical bone in his body, and therefore had all the rhythmic inclination of a deaf man.
"-iku! Riku? Wake up man!" Yuffie shouted; barely a hair's breadth away from my abused ear.
"Er… sorry about that, I was miles away…" I dismissed any further concerned attention with a bored flick of the wrist.
"Excuse us for being concerned… you looked like you'd gone into mortification-induced catatonia." Cloud snorted, making his irritation abundantly clear. His air of indifference mutated into a displeased scowl when Yuffie began to peruse the skies again for airborne swine.
"What were you thinking about, anyway?" Leon questioned, seemingly nonchalant and uninterested.
"Oh, this and that… Came up with the perfect baby name while I was at it…" I purred out the statement, smirking arrogantly as the blonde choked on nothingness as I mentioned his dreaded offspring.
"Which would be?" Yuffie demanded eagerly, teetering on the edge of her chair as I continued to grin malevolently.
"Puddle." I declared smugly. The name hung in the stagnant air, awkward silence tightened about the table like a vacuum. Then Yuffie burst into uproarious laughter and Cloud's callused, powerful hands closed about my throat.
After some lengthily drawn out, painful moments, order had been restored to the land of psychopathic maniacs with unfeasible hairstyles, by which I mean Leon pried Cloud's fingers from where they were doing a pretty darned good job of choking me; albeit grudgingly, seeing as I severely doubted that the stone cold brunette had any love whatsoever for such a horrendous baby name.
However, I wasn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth, as I'd actually been more than slightly worried during that little fiasco, what with the edges of my vision blurring and the floor changing colours at irregular intervals. I was of more than half a mind to magically locate a crowbar, and my indecision only stemmed from whether I was going to use it to lever those crushing fingers from my bruised windpipe or to club the bastard about the head with the damned thing.
I must have looked a right state to the rest of the student body, elliptical fingerprints tattooed into the soft, alabaster skin of my throat, the bloodied nose, which had better not be broken, unless Cloud fancied spending the remainder of his wretched existence eating through a straw.
Huh… maybe I'd been wrong about the pair of them… perhaps Leon was the merciful ice princess and the blonde was the one with neuroses and anger management issues coming out the wazoo... who'd a thunk it?
Suddenly, a telltale flash of hideously gaudy colour streaked across my vision. Ploughing his ridiculously oversized feet, which only served to remind me that he probably would end up as the taller party –oh, how I wished for the days of last year where our heights were virtually separated by a clear foot- into the obsessively polished floors in the large hallway that portentously led to what seemed to be a disciplinary hearing in the making; Sora pivoted to face me, blushing lightly as he nigh instantaneously broke eye contact and began to stare at said clown feet, which were now scuffing the janitor's pride and joy.
"Hi… Riku…" He murmured, apparently torn as to how to act around me. I guessed that his caution was perfectly understandable, I mean, I'd flirted shamelessly with the once-diminutive tyke and he'd jumped my sexy bones. Not that his response had initially been of a sensual nature, but that gasping whine that had escaped his strangled throat would be burnt into my brain for the rest of eternity.
"Yo! You here for the lecture-come-threat-fest as well, Puddle Senior?" I asked cheerfully, although internally I was quailing like a schoolgirl… Truth be told, Professor Highwind scared the living daylights out of me, and with good reason; the man could make the simple act of inviting someone to a cup of tea sound like a blatant threat… a threat that promised pain and suffering and no artificial sweeteners.
However, I wasn't allowed any further time to dwell on just how good old Cid made me want to curl up in the corner of a darkened room and never return to society, seeing as Cloud had lunged at me again, no doubt for insulting his demon spawn.
Squall again came to my rescue, like a surly, leather-clad metal-head sent by god himself, as he effectively pinned Cloud's arms to his torso with his own, hefting the shorter blonde into the air, where he kicked and squirmed ineffectually.
I think I now respect Leon more than I had previously thought was possible.
While he was significantly taller than his captive, he was slight and restricted to a less dense overall muscle tone. Cloud, on the other hand, was stockier, though still also pretty darned skinny now that I think about it, and probably weighed more than Leon did for all his comparative lack of height. Yet still, the brunette was holding him aloft about the middle, seemingly unfazed, when I had half suspected that his arms would snap like brittle twigs.
"Yeah… turns out that even if I apply myself, I'm still pretty damned shocking at English." Sora grinned sheepishly. "I take it you're in for…" He trailed off awkwardly, making a circular gesture towards his own face.
"Dead on… I'm beginning to suspect that Mr. Sunshine over there didn't ingest his happy pills like a good little schizophrenic." I fairly snarled, because, regardless of taking a joke too far, even if it was as hypothetical as it was physically impossible, I hadn't been the one who tried to throttle a supposed friend.
"I have no idea how I'm going to talk my way out of this, spin doctor or not…" Leon growled, glaring harsh reprimands to the pair of us for dragging him down as we sank. "How the hell can you just… lie away the fact that you've been committing lewd, promiscuous acts in a place where FOOD is served?" He demanded, coming as close to losing his temper as I'd ever seen. I'd never witnessed a Leon not in full, tightly reined control of his emotions, and the fact that we'd pushed him so far almost frightened me. "And YOU…" He pointed an accusing finger to his best friend, who all but cowered away from the icy fire in the brunette's eyes after struggling out of his grasp. "You've subjected the little twit to so much head trauma today that I'll never be able to converse on obscure themes and topics ever again! Not to mention the fact that you ALMOST KILLED HIM!" He roared, glare barely softening when Cloud whimpered fearfully and began to furiously back-pedal. "I am surrounded by half-wits and buffoons!" He cried, just for the hell of it, seeing as he was pretty sure we'd been causing a scandalous scene for well over our allocated lunch period. "And, apparently illiterates…" He sneered, directing the remainder of his annoyance to Sora, who turned to me with a: 'What the hell did I do and how do I make him stop looking at me like that?' sort of expression.
I merely shrugged nonchalantly, whilst in awe of the little brunette's ability to convey such sentiment by simply widening his cerulean eyes and grimacing.
"I just… I was just so damned angry, Squall!" Cloud cried suddenly, seemingly having rediscovered his spine. "I mean… I don't care if my name does sound like that of a plastic pony porn star… but… your name is special… Raine never even thought she'd get to meet you, let alone hold you and watch you grow up! She took so much time deliberating on what they were gonna call you… and when she decided, it just 'fit', you know? Your name is unique and special, and PUDDLE just seems to demean it… It's as reminiscent of new age hippy crap as my name is, and that's not fair!" The blonde exclaimed passionately, looking like he was nearing tears.
Sora looked as awkward as I felt, and I was really itching to run far, far away from Cloud practically confessing his feelings… In a public hallway… In a school… In full view of the student body…
"First off, it's Leon… Secondly, you thought my name was an abbreviation of… yes, I believe it was 'Squalor', not too long ago… and thirdly, you're not pregnant, you silly twit." Squall chastised, pretending that he was possibly even more embarrassed by the incident than we were.
I doubt he was fooling anyone though, as for a split second, a broad, genuine smile that actually exposed teeth bloomed on the boy's habitually sullen face. I suddenly felt restricted to a base, childish level where all I could petulantly demand was: Again! Again!
"It's the principle of the thing!" The blonde laughed, diffusing the gravitas with a finesse one would never consciously associate with Cloud of all people. "And I'm not a silly twit… I'm just… selectively academic…" He all but lied through his teeth.
"Then why do you seem to favour being selectively as thick as two short planks so much?" Leon teased affectionately, and was rewarded with a pouting, scowling blonde, which even I had to admit presented a rather cute image.
I turned to Sora, who also seemed inclined to hang back as the pair made their way to Cid's office. It was rather bizarre, seeing a completely different side of their relationship, and that pricelessly rare smile had almost made me weak at the knees.
"Am I dreaming, or did that really just happen?" Sora questioned suspiciously, and I could hardly find fault with his query.
"I think it actually did… or we're both suffering mass-delusions…" I chuckled, regardless of my aching head and the way my throat seemed too constricted to allow facilitated breathing. "Who knows, Squall may have flipped his lid and we could be drowning in pools of our own blood?" I suggested affably, smiling harder when Sora blanched before swiftly adopting a nauseously green tinge to his tanned face.
"Far too much information…" He shuddered, wheeling out the almighty pout when my laughter refused to cease.
"I'm sorry too, you know… about earlier, I didn't mean to embarrass you like that…" I mumbled, seeing as I was Riku, and Riku didn't DO apologies. The gangly brunette suddenly turned on his megawatt grin and giggled in a rather pleased manner.
"And why should I forgive you, Mr. Big-shot?" He wheedled, knowing he was treading on dangerously thin ice. If I were feeling benevolent, he'd get a brusque, manly hug with superfluous amounts of back slapping and I'd promise to buy him dinner; if I were feeling vindictive, I'd probably pinch him for his audacity.
"Well, seeing as I have a lot of grovelling to do, how's about we head down the shops to buy Cloud and Leon a peace offering? I seem to remember there being a veritable plethora of restaurants surrounding the centre, so if you're lucky I just might feed you." I drawled, although there was little ambiguity in my true meaning. Sora's meal ticket was going to burn a bigger hole in my pocket than the: 'forgive me, pleeeaaaase', gifts were.
"Will you buy me dessert?" He demanded dubiously, as if he were actually having second thoughts.
-I would not cave to the puppy face; I was a strong individual who had enough self control to resist…-
"I'll buy you an ice cream on the way." I sighed, wondering just what the hell was wrong with me. Sora just squealed delightedly, seemingly oblivious to my inner workings and machinations, before flinging his arms about my neck and bouncing.
Good sweet zombie Jesus he needed to stop touching me…
I recoiled as if I had been burned, dousing the lecherous thoughts that had seemingly come out of absolutely nowhere… maybe even the timeless void, if we were actually going to be thorough in our search for where on earth an attraction for SORA had developed.
When he released me, just as spontaneously, my priorities shifted to: must not hyperventilate like nut-job. What in god's name was wrong with me? People didn't suddenly decide to gape at the backsides of childhood friends, did they? I bloody well hoped not, cos when Selphie ogled me I just felt oddly discomfited, and I would rather shove my beautiful face into a deep fat fryer than become Selphie.
Dramatic epiphanies aside, I'm not being unnecessarily egotistical here; I speak the bare, honest truth when I proudly declare that I am sexy as hell. The people of Destiny Islands would spend many a decade mourning my unfortunate disfigurement, and would go on to dreamily tell their grandchildren tales of my ethereal beauty and eldritch eyes.
And I'm not just a pretty face, seeing as at this precise moment in time I'm juggling a clingy Sora AND an interesting revelation, all whilst spinning a tangled web of illusion and intrigue. My ability to multitask is what makes me truly great… as opposed to just plain awesome… did I mention devilishly attractive yet?
Then again, Sora knew me far too well to easily put up with only a divided fragment of my attention, so decided to make himself my focal point by wrapping himself about one of my arms like a limpet.
Now that I actually thought about it, the whole 'gay' thing seemed to be frightening me considerably less than the unexpected impulse to do immoral, decidedly kinky things to the most innocent little lamb I had ever laid eyes upon.
The truly harrowing thing was another foreign emotion warring with the overwhelming lust, an evocative sense of warmth and affection that made gleeful suggestions of feeding him chocolates, lying together, watching the sunset in comfortable, fulfilled silence, maybe even sharing the legendary…
Oh, Christ on a pogo-stick; what had he DONE to me?
Irony was a bitch, I finally decided, still slightly dumbstruck as to how one single moment of delicious, platonic friction had emitted a spark fierce enough to burn away every last cloying remnant of my own denial.
The shock was palpable; my heart was beating hard enough to burst out through the protective shelter of my ribcage and my lungs felt punctured, every breath I took seemed to be far too shallow.
Just how did one go about coming to terms with the fact that they'd been in love with their best friend since... forever? Oh god… how was I blinkered enough to ignore this?
I'd been totally devoted to the little brunette since I was all of four years old, and while back then I was fortunately ignorant of all the implications of a romantic love, I had never really seen him as a brother or a companion… He was family, but he was more than that… He was everything…
I pinched myself, hard.
Hissing slightly at the sharp, brief stab of pain, I moaned low in my throat, inundated with despair and bewilderment. Why had that emotion-repressing off switch broken NOW? It'd been working fine for over a decade!
-Stupid faulty internal wiring…-
"Er… Riku, you okay? You've kind of… been… staring at me for quite a few minutes now… and you haven't blinked once…" Sora stuttered embarrassedly, waving a clumsily proportioned hand in front of my face.
I simply gawked like someone with all the mental activity of a turnip. I guessed that the information overload had been such a proverbial slap upside the head that all my brain cells had snuffed it on contact.
Hands were not supposed to be so sodding erogenous, especially not Sora's. He had long, tapering fingers attached to palms that were so freakishly oversized that it looked like he'd strapped garden trowels to his wrists with masking tape. They were callused, clumsy and monstrous, and I really had no practicable reason for why I was mentally picturing them toying with the flimsy material at the base of my t-shirt, roughened pads of ghosting, teasing digits brushing over the skin of my lower back.
I briefly entertained the prospect of physically forcing that fantasy from my roiling brain by smashing my head against one of the corroding lockers that lined the now deserted hallway.
I was hopelessly out of my depth, and I came to the conclusion that I hated this particular novel experience. I lacked the control to direct the conversation, my bloody rebelling hormones, and seemingly even to regulate my own damned oxygen intake! I was effectively both paralysed and speechless, which wasn't doing much to quell Sora's rising levels of mindless panic.
He fussed over me ineffectually, smoothing back the hair from where it was obscuring my already hazy vision. My breathing hitched at the contact, each ticklish touch of skin on skin searing like molten seduction, sending small tendrils of glorious sensation to connect with the growing spirals of desire pooling in my abdomen.
"You're up next, Riku; Cid's decided to hear your side of the story." An alien voice interrupted with a poorly suppressed shudder. I pivoted violently to face both Cloud and Leon, who seemed taken aback at how jittery I was acting.
Ignoring their inquisitive eyes for the time being, I dashed behind the blonde, just to put some distance, and a barricade, between myself and Sora. My dilemma was temporarily sealed away for safe keeping, and I found that it was easier to refute my earlier sentiments and dampen the raging lust roaring through my veins under supervision.
"Is he alright?" Cloud asked concernedly, to which Sora could only reply with a baffled shrug.
"I'm fine… just a bit… light headed…" I murmured feebly, wondering why my emotions had suddenly gone haywire for no valid reason.
I could accept that on some deeper, subconscious level I had always been aware that I had possessed ulterior motives for instigating a friendship with Sora, but the incomparable invocations of love and lust and everything in between had been consuming, and not a little terrifying. I had felt like a stranger in my own skin, and it was disconcerting.
However, mostly, I was just wary of the undertone of a dark possessiveness that lurked beneath the more virtuous of the feelings evoked in me for the ditzy, waiflike boy.
Did any of this have anything to do with that moronic delusion? My memories of the dream seemed to confirm that it had indeed revolved around light and darkness, to which I had apparently been possessed by the latter of which.
What was sealed in the depths of my heart? And how could I keep it in?
"You really don't look so hot…" The blonde continued, expressing his concern when I made no effort to cease my blank, aimless staring.
"Just go home and get yourself patched up. I'll clear things with Cid." Leon made the decision for all of us, although the command alluded to feigned pretences of indifferent apathy. "Sora, go with him, he looks about ready to wander into traffic just to spite me." He concluded authoritatively, sighing deeply when I made no move to contest his intentional provocation.
The younger brunette nodded vigorously, wrapping those burning hands about my forearms, hot enough to brand their imprints into my sensitised flesh as he steered me towards the exit.
While the attraction was still present, almost ubiquitously so, it was now diminished and manageable, a fact of which I had neither the energy nor the desire to analyse. I leaned into the soft, guiding touch, mewling out my gratification as I felt far too disoriented to do anything but passively follow.
I had concentrated on my feet throughout the course of the journey, focussing on putting one foot in front of the other while praying that I wouldn't trip over something as innocuous as a shard of gravel.
Sora proceeded to push me through an open door, its merrily jingling bell alerting the store owners to the presence of potential customers. Trust Sora to take me up on my generous offer when all I wanted to do was lie down in a darkened room with an icepack plastered across my forehead.
"You looked like you could do with a sugar-fix." He grinned sheepishly, before bounding up to the counter to paw at the sneeze-guard like some pre-pubescent, snot-nosed brat.
I found his antics positively adorable.
"What do you fancy?" I asked, forcing some semblance of cheer and good will into my tone. I was not in the mood for ice cream; it would only serve to aggravate the splitting headache that had lodged itself above my right eyebrow a little over ten minutes ago.
"Chocolate!" He sang out, bouncing back and forth on his heels. He really was just a kid on steroids; someone must have fiddled with his birth records…
"Can we be more specific, or am I supposed to try my hand at mind-reading?" I asked tiredly, although I was already hazarding an informed guess in the direction of the aptly named: Death by Chocolate. It certainly did resemble a heart attack in a tub, and that was all I was going to mention on the matter.
"That one!" Sora pointed, beaming to the other patrons, as if trying to rub my generosity in their faces… odd child…
Unsurprisingly, the brunette had indeed selected the substance that made me feel like my arteries were cowering in fear of the vast amount of saturated fat and cholesterol enough to kill a man much healthier than I.
After reading the brief description, my prognosis had hardly been disproved. The mixture formed a culmination of milk and white chocolates, shot through with a dark chocolate ripple, all of which being stuffed full with clotted cream and further chocolate chips set in mounds of cookie dough.
The small print helpfully informed me that such a concoction was not to be consumed by pregnant women, those with high blood pressure, high blood sugar levels, and the last was being concealed by Sora's excitedly jabbing index finger, but from what I could see, it seemed like it was also discouraging those with back trouble from consumption of such a fearful confection.
Just don't ask me why…
"If you go into a diabetic coma I'm leaving you here to die…" I huffed; pleased I'd at least regained some of my sense of humour. Reading all those tiny warnings had exacerbated my migraine though, so I was sort of half-amused, half-grumpy bordering on homicidal.
"What are you having, Riku? And you can't say vanilla… cos you ALWAYS have vanilla, and vanilla's BOOOORING." He moaned, attracting many a disapproving stare from the other customers with his whining.
I was slightly offended, seeing as there was nothing wrong with vanilla… It was sweet, but not sickeningly so, it was simple, solid and unchanging; essentially the perfect flavour for someone who wasn't actually all that fond of ice cream.
"How about-" I wasn't even given the time to make another choice, as Sora rolled his eyes like 'I' was the one making a big fuss about something as trivial as ice cream.
"No! You can't have coconut either!" He interrupted smoothly, which was slightly disconcerting, as coconut had been my second choice.
"And why not?" I queried; quirking a sardonic eyebrow at the mini-dictator.
"Cos it's white… and you ALWAYS eat white ice cream… and where's the fun in that? I mean, it's like you go out of your way to pick the bland ones! So, today, you're not allowed any white ice cream… or sorbets, cos those are sour, and that just defeats the purpose of this whole outing." He concluded his lecture with a snort, leaving me to slowly absorb all that information. Ah, in essence, I'd been banned from every single flavour I would willingly devour.
Joy of joys…
I needed to find a loophole, and quick… If I didn't I'd end up with something dripping chocolate and calories and premature death.
"Iced coffee?" I fairly pleaded, but the skinny wench shot me down with a petulant frown.
"No coffee either!" He bellowed, which again drew disgruntled stares. I just wanted to hide beneath one of the tables at this point, possibly until closing time.
"Well, what do YOU think I should get then?" I finally caved in, scowling as Sora grinned in triumph.
"That one!" He declared, pointing at what appeared to be a young woman in an apron.
"I don't think she's edible, Sora… or for sale…" I muttered, now completely humiliated and wishing I could just curl up into a little ball and die.
The sales girl giggled slightly and offered us a shy greeting, which Sora returned cheerfully, as always.
"How'd you two get out of school so early?" She asked, smiling as she prepared to break out her chastising wagging finger.
"Riku went all zombie-like on us and got sent home, so I decided some ice cream would cheer him up!" The brunette cheered, and I rolled my eyes at his 'selflessness'.
"I'm going to be talking to Cloud to see whether your story checks out, Sora… last time you snuck out to get sugar I almost lost my job." She giggled, and I belatedly realised it was Aeris behind the counter.
Today must have been one of her afternoons free from academic pursuits, and she had decided to spend them making some quick cash at the ice cream parlour.
She was good at her job; attentive, friendly and well-mannered, but I had never cared much for her. Leon shared my sentiments, but I think that was more due to the fact that she and Cloud had used to be nigh inseparable than any particular misgivings with her personality.
She was more than tolerable, in small doses, in much the same respect that Kairi was. They were both giggling goodie-goodies, with more than a passing tendency to become vapid and conspiring when the mood struck them. They were pretty pink princesses, and the whole class' sweetheart mentality that surrounded the pair irritated the hell out of me.
The pink also pissed me off, but that just sounds petty…
"It was all just a big misunderstanding! Who could have foreseen that Professor Cid would have chased me all the way here?" Sora cried melodramatically, before pouting when I raised my hand with a snort.
So much for solidarity… oh well…
"Well, history had better not be repeating itself." She scolded gently, before giggling again in that infuriatingly feminine way. "So, what can I get you?" She asked, business face firmly sliding over her features. I briefly wondered whether my assaulted nose was less swollen than I had imagined or if Aeris simply didn't care.
"I'll have a triple scoop of the Death by Chocolate, and Riku'll have a do-"
"SINGLE." I barged into the order, making sure that my choice was incontestable.
"Alright… fine, be like that… and a SINGLE scoop of the Toffee, please." Sora completed his little list, smiling contently as Aeris compliantly began to pile his bowl high with refined sugar.
As usual, I was the one who had to fork out for both treats, and I muttered bitterly that if Sora had wanted Death so bad I would have given it to him, minus the extortion.
"Soooooo…?" He asked, hovering over me as I brought the spoon to my lips. My ice cream looked rather pathetic and small, remaining completely unadorned while Sora's was a towering Leviathan inundated with syrup and sprinkles, but I liked to keep confectionary simple, if not totally excluded from my diet.
The toffee was surprisingly good; positively delectable, for an ice cream. My eyes rolled back slightly as I failed to stifle a pleasured moan, licking about the contours of the plastic spoon to erase all traces of the delicious, wonderful substance.
"Really, really good…" I garbled, already thrusting another spoonful into my eagerly awaiting mouth.
"You've led a rather deprived life, haven't you?" The brunette chuckled as I attacked the ice cream like a man half insane from starvation.
"Can't talk… eating…" I muttered, resulting in Sora bursting into peals of laughter.
"Is it really that good?" He asked curiously, once he had recovered from his bout of laughing at me, which I just couldn't bring myself to care about at this particular moment.
"Here…" I grumbled, ramming the spoon into Sora's mouth before he could protest at being fed, by another man, with the same germ-contaminated spoon. His eyes lit up and he made a satisfied little squeak.
"Mmmm… I wonder if they've refined the recipe? It never usually tastes THIS good…" He purred contentedly, manhandling me so he could steal another taste.
"Nope, it's the same as always!" Aeris called from behind the counter, laughing at our antics as Sora adopted his most baffled, confounded expression.
"Maybe it's ice cream envy?" I suggested blithely, giving into temptation and nicking a spoonful of frozen heart failure, which Sora had already half-decimated in little under thirty seconds, and popping it into my mouth. "Ooh, this is sinfully good… maybe I should rethink my stance on the whole chocolate deal?" I pondered aloud, cackling when the brunette morphed into mother hen mode and retrieved his precious ice cream.
"I think you're right… everything seems to taste better today, which is pretty weird, huh?" He beamed, polishing off the remainder of his snack, as well as mine, although I managed to wrestle another couple of mouthfuls from him before relinquishing the toffee.
It struck me as odd that this was the first time we'd shared ice creams before. Usually, Sora only made me buy the damned stuff so he could steal it when I left the melting puddle of gloop virtually untouched.
Why was today so different?
The brunette never usually went for anything less than a total sugar overload, and the toffee ordinarily would have bored his desensitised palate.
The only thing that had changed about the entire situation was that I'd licked the spoon…
Oh…
A/N:I like reviews? -hopeful smile-