It was him again.
Ritsu. Ritsu with that yellow Zooptopia hoodie even though he said that he didn't really like Zootopia all that much. Ritsu with that hair that defied gravity but in a cool way, not like Sho's. Ritsu who had a scar across his forehead now just barely hidden by that same gravity defying hair. Ritsu who had the same eyes as big sis…for some reason. That was weird. That was the thing that got the goldfish in his stomach to swim a little less. He knew that most people had brown eyes but those…well those were big sis's eyes! They were the same shape and color and…and he had the same nose that she did too…and that was weird…but right now weird was good. Weird got the goldfish in his stomach to calm the fuck down.
Which was good.
Because Sho had a mission….which he couldn't remember….but he knew that it had been an important one. Seeing Ritsu was like getting hit in the head with a metal pipe….not that Sho had ever been hit in the head with a metal pipe but Shimazaki had told him a story, once, about the time some guy he knew got hit in the head a bunch of times for going against the family and then he forgot his name and where he lived and stuff…and Sho….well he could remember his name and where he lived….and he was thinking about Shimazaki now too….and now that stupid goldfish was awake again….and he just…he focused on Ritsu but now even the weirdness of seeing someone who looked so much like big sis couldn't make the goldfish in his stomach stop….
Maybe, just maybe, Sho was not cut out for missions like this.
He was staring at Ritsu now and Ritsu was staring at him…and that didn't look like good staring…not that he knew what good staring was…because nobody had ever stared at him in the good way. He wasn't even entirely sure what he wanted, what the good staring would have been, but he knew that he wanted Ritsu to look at him like that….he sucked. Sho sucked. He should have been kicking his ass or something for going around town telling people to stay away from Claw and stuff. Sho should have been kicking his ass right now and not just staring at him…and being stared at….and he should have been…well maybe not kicking his ass but he should have been doing something….
Maybe he should have said something.
What did people say to one another? What did they do when they met each other on the street like this after almost a year of not seeing one another? What did they even….do? This was Japan and…and what did they do in Japan? He couldn't remember. He was Japanese! He was Japanese and he couldn't remember what they did in Japan and…and he just….he just…he needed to say something or do something or just….make words! Japanese words!
Yes, some Japanese words would have been the ones to use in this situation.
"Hey! It's you again!" said Sho. There. He had said something…and maybe it was the wrong thing….because now Ritsu was running away. He had turned around and now he was running in the opposite direction…like he expected Sho to do something terrible to him or something….but Sho wasn't going to do anything terrible! Maybe kick his ass a little bit but…no. You weren't supposed to do that to a…..friend? Were he and Ritsu friends? Well obviously not if Ritsu had gone running off in the other direction….and also they barely knew each other….and….and this was just….
Sho stopped thinking and started running.
Because, really, thinking was stupid. Shimazaki always said that thinking led to overthinking and nothing good came from overthinking. When you overthought then you ended up doing nothing and doing nothing was boring so the thing to do was just to act. Just do whatever your body and mind told you to do. Otherwise you would get stuck in one place and die. Shimazaki was smart like that…he was one of the smartest people that Sho had ever met and if he'd been there then he could have just teleported Sho over to where Ritsu was…but he wasn't there….
And Sho needed to stop thinking about!
Maybe if he ran fast enough then he could end up outrunning the thoughts in his head and the goldfish in his stomach. Maybe that was why he was running. Maybe he would even end up running right past Ritsu. Maybe he would run right past Ritsu and then he would be all 'what' and then Sho would be all 'I'll come back for you once I outrun all of the thoughts in my head' and then Ritsu would have been all 'that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard' and then Sho…well he would agree. Wanting to outrun thoughts was stupid. His thoughts were in his head and no matter where he went his brain would follow...and so would the stupid goldfish in his stomach….
He didn't end up outrunning Ritsu.
He ended up catching up to Ritsu but not outrunning him. Ritsu could run fast, really fast actually, and it was…well it was nice. Having someone who could run that fast. Big sis couldn't run that fast. She had always been bad at running….and Shimazaki didn't really run. He teleported places and then he jumped out and tried to scare you…but Ritsu could run fast and that was cool. Like he would be good at…games with running and…and this was not the time to be thinking about him like that! About what it would be like if they were friends!
They weren't even friends….not really….they had just talked and held hands once and also Sho saved Ritsu's life and gave him that scar on his forehead…
Sho stops running so fast at that thought. Maybe he should just let Ritsu get away. Maybe he should just let him get away and just…keep on putting up fliers that warned people about Claw…even though normal people weren't supposed to know about them…and also maybe he should have just let Ritsu keep running around with some guy who claimed that he had psychic powers but obviously didn't or he would have joined Claw by now…and maybe…well Sho could have always just lied and told everyone that he hadn't been able to find anything….he was pretty good at telling lies….and what was one more lie on top of the lifetime of lies that he'd been telling people?
He didn't end up having to lie.
Ritsu grabbed his arm and pulled him into an alley. That was…Sho just let himself get led. That had been unexpected. That had been….when Ritsu grabbed him he had expected to get hit…but he hadn't gotten hit. He had been grabbed and…well it did make more sense to fight where normal people couldn't see. Yeah, that's what made sense. Ritsu dragged him into this alley that smelled way too much like fish…probably because they were behind a seafood restaurant…to kick his ass and also torture him with the smell of rotting fish.
Well Sho had given him a scar so he kind of earned it.
Ritsu stopped running and caught his breath. He leaned forward and just breathed for a while. Sho did the same. He liked fighting….well he liked it when he and Shimazaki play fought…but this would not be a play fight. This would be a real fight. This would be a real fight and…and he'd never been in a real fight before. He'd seen plenty of them, dad got into fights all the time, but he had never been the one to just…be there in dad's place? That seemed sort of like what this was. He had seen dad make Scars before…but Ritsu was already kind of a Scar. He had that thing on his forehead and it was all Sho's fault…so maybe if Ritsu did end up getting captured then it would be ok since he was already a Scar and he didn't need to be put into one of those Awakening machines….or something….
Sho didn't want to take that kind of gamble.
He wasn't going to fight, he decided. He knew that if he fought then he would either lose or he would win and then….well he didn't care what happened after he won. Or after he lost. He didn't want to fight Ritsu, not for real anyway. Not in the way that he could hurt him. He didn't want to hurt his…friend? A guy he wanted to be friends with….a guy he wanted to be friends with really bad….
A guy who maybe did not want to be friends with him.
Sho took a step forwards and ran into Ritsu's barrier. That was….well that cool, actually. He had figured out how to put up a barrier! Sho hadn't been able to do that before he had been….well before everything that happened. He remembered….he remembered wanting to make the hurt stop and then…and then he had tried…he had tried so hard to get that stuff out of his skin…the stuff that they stuck you with and then shocked you….and then when it had been done….it had been done but only so the machine could cool down…and he knew that it would start up again and…and he knew that if he didn't do something then it would have hurt all over again and…
And Ritsu had figured it out without having to be stabbed with needles all over his body and then shot full of electricity.
"Did you figure this out on your own?" asked Sho as he pressed his hand against Ritsu's barrier. It shimmered for a moment, it was clearer than his barrier but just as strong feeling, before it went away. That was good. Sho took another step forward….and walked into his barrier again. He had dropped it and put it right back up again!
The was kind of cool…and Sho didn't have it in him to be pissed off at Ritsu right now.
"Yeah. Today." Said Ritsu. He didn't look at Sho when he said that…and Sho…well he kind of got why…but also he didn't. Ritsu knew that he wasn't going to hurt him….right? They had been…well they hadn't become friends when they met but…well they had been something, right? The sort of something where they held hands and…and Sho needed to stop thinking about the handholding. About how perfect it had felt for the ten seconds that it had gone on for. How nice and soft Ritsu's hand had felt on top of his…how it had felt like so much and…
And he'd ran away so of course Ritsu would be pissed off at him…and also the thing about the scar on his head…and all that stuff he said about Claw, too.
"Just now?" asked Sho. He tried to sound friendly there. He needed Ritsu to know that he wasn't going to hurt him. That he thought….well if Ritsu had figured out not only how to put up a barrier but to drop it and bring it upon command….well that was cool and Ritsu was cool for being able to do that…and even if he had figured it out a while ago Ritsu was still really cool…in Sho's eyes anyway….and probably in everyone else's and…
And Sho knew what it meant when he thought a guy was this cool.
"No. Earlier." Said Ritsu. He didn't look at Sho. He looked at the ground like it had spat in his mom's face or something. He looked at the ground like he wanted to kick it's ass. Sho…he knew that look. That was how he looked when he got scared. He didn't look scared when he got scared, because he wasn't like that, he looked pissed off….because he was pissed off when something or someone scared him…and he didn't want…he didn't want Ritsu to look at him like he was looking at the ground.
"You don't have to be afraid. I won't hurt you." Said Sho. Ritsu's barrier went down again. He didn't try and come any closer. He knew that if he came closer then Ritsu would just get more scared and more pissed off…and he didn't want that. He could never want that. He wanted…well he wanted a lot of things in that moment, a lot of things that he knew were stupid to want, but Ritsu being scared of him was not one of those things.
"Then why did you chase me?" asked Ritsu
"Because you ran away." said Sho. Stupid! That had been the stupidest thing that he possibly could have said! Why did he have to be so stupid all the time!? He had inherited dad's stupid genes…that was it. There was something wrong with him in his genes that made him say stupid shit like that!
"Sometimes you have to run away." said Ritsu
"What?" asked Sho
"Nothing. My…friend…just says that sometimes…" said Ritsu
"Well you didn't have to run away from me. I'm not going to hurt you." Said Sho. He left out the part where he had been sort of thinking about kicking Ritsu's ass to get him to stop acting like a moron. He had told Ritsu, in plain Japanese which they both spoke, not to draw attention to himself or else he would end up getting kidnapped and experimented on! What was so hard to understand about that?! Don't go around using your powers and…well Sho had never come out and told him not to warn the normal people about Claw…well it went without saying that he should not have been warning the normal people about Claw!
"Then why did you chase me? And don't tell me it's because I ran away. I had to. You're with…them…and you warned me about them but you're still with them." Said Ritsu
"Them? Oh, you mean Claw. Yeah I'm with them but I'm not going to drag you off to the Division HQ or anything." Said Sho
"Then what are you going to do?" asked Ritsu
"Um…I don't know. I guess tell you to stop doing….what you're doing. I guess." Said Sho
"What am I doing?" asked Ritsu. He crossed his arms when he said that and…and he glared at Sho too…and now his insides felt like they were made of goldfish. Like he was just a bunch of goldfish in a trench coat or something and they were all swimming at once and…and he knew that he needed to calm down….but how could he?
Ritsu was looking at him…at HIM!
"You're…um….looking at me." Said Sho. He wished that he knew how to turn invisible. It would have been pretty convenient if he could have just disappeared right about then. He had said that stupidest thing imaginable and now Ritsu thought that he was an idiot. He could tell.
Ritsu was looking at him like he thought that he was an idiot.
He had his arms crossed and he had one of his eyebrows going way up like he was saying 'really?' and….yeah. Of fucking course Ritsu thought that he was an idiot…he WAS an idiot! Out of all the stupid things that he could have said that had to have been the stupidest! Seriously?! Why had he SAID that?! He needed to turn invisible or fly away or die….yeah. He could drop dead right there and then that would be the end of it. He could just drop dead and…no….that wouldn't work out because then he would turn into a spirit and Ritsu could see spirits so the looks wouldn't stop at all and….
And he needed to figure something out….and fast.
"Yeah. I'm looking at you because you chased me for miles and miles-" said Ritsu
"It wasn't miles." Said Sho
"Yes it was." Said Ritsu
"There's no way that you could have run for miles." Said Sho
"Well it felt like miles then! You show up out of nowhere to chase me and then you think that you can just tell me it's because-" said Ritsu
"It's because of this!" said Sho as he pulled a red piece of paper out of his pocket. He had seen these all over town. Someone had been putting them up and he, and the rest of the Seventh Division, knew who it was….and that was bad. Ritsu needed to know how bad this was. Sho was still made of goldfish but at least now they were all in agreement to stop with the angry swimming for five minutes so he could tell Ritsu was a moron he was being!
"…so?" asked Ritsu. He took a step forward and took the piece of paper out of Sho's hands. Sho let him. He didn't trust himself to move or to say anything or…or anything! So? What the hell did 'so' mean!? That was like…like he was being all whatever about this but…but this was not the thing to be all whatever about!
"What do you mean, so? Ritsu, you can't do this! People are going to notice-" said Sho
"Good. I want them to notice." Said Ritsu. A moron. That was the only explanation. Ritsu was some kind of a moron.
"Are you a moron or something?" asked Sho
"Are you an asshole or something?" asked Ritsu
"Are you a dick hole or something?" asked Sho
"That's a weird thing to call someone." Said Ritsu. Yup, he was a moron…because calling someone a dick hole was not weird! He called people dick holes all the time! Hell, just that morning he'd called Fukuda a dick hole because he made fruit salad for breakfast….which was a dick hole move…so that was not a weird thing to call someone.
"What? A dick hole? That's not weird. That's just….a thing to call someone." asked Sho
"Yeah, a weird thing to call someone. I've never heard anyone say that before." Said Ritsu
"Well…it's a thing that you can call someone! Especially when they're being a dick hole!" said Sho. Ritsu was kind of a dick hole…or at least he was being one to Sho…and Sho…he knew that he should have wanted to kick Ritsu's ass for saying all of this stuff but….well he didn't. He wanted to call him names…and do a lot of other stuff to him….but he didn't want to kick his ass.
"I am not being a dick hole." Said Ritsu
"Yes you are! You're being a dick hole! Like a really big…no….like a really small dick hole! Like a girl's-" said Sho
"Girls don't have dicks." Said Ritsu. He laughed when he said that. His aura laughed, anyway, he just smiled a little….and Sho…he just…he wasn't trying to be funny!
"Yeah I-I know that!" said Sho. He knew full well that girls did not have dicks and…and he didn't want Ritsu to laugh at him like….like he was an idiot or a moron or something! He just….Ritsu shouldn't have been laughing at him like that!
"Then why were you about to call me a girl's dick hole if you know that girl's don't have dicks?" asked Ritsu. He laughed again…and he put his hand over his mouth that time like he was a girl or something…and that just made it worse!
"Because you're being a really big dick hole but big is good when you talk about dicks so it makes more sense to call someone a small dick hole and then even smaller than that would be a girl's dick hole if they had dicks." Said Sho. There. Now everything made sense and Ritsu could stop laughing at him…and he stopped laughing. He was staring at him now…and his aura was focused on him…and he just…he looked just like big sis only…not…and it was weird and….
"You're weird." Said Ritsu simply. Weird. Ritsu had called him weird and…and he was not weird! He was not the weird one! He was normal and…and everyone else was weird and….and he was normal! He was normal and….and he was!
"N-No I'm not!" said Sho
"Yes you are." Said Ritsu. He said that like this was a fact or something. Like he was all 'the sky is blue and Suzuki Sho is weird' and….and Sho was maybe a little weird…but….but he wasn't nearly as weird as Ritsu was!
"I'm not the weird one here. You're the one going around telling people about Claw and-" said Sho
"You're the one talking about dicks. That makes you the weird one here." Said Ritsu
"I'm not weird! You're….you're weird…and a moron! You're the biggest moron I have ever met in my life….and my best friend makes caramel waffles by melting bags of caramels into a waffle iron! I told you that you needed to run away if you sensed anyone-" said Sho
"Which I did." Said Ritsu
"And….and I told you that Claw was going to come for you if you had powers and you're pretty much going around telling the whole world that you have powers and-" said Sho
"No. I never use my powers when I can sense them near….and I know that they're stalking me. I never use my powers when I can feel them coming. I'm not a moron…and I'm not weird. You're weird. You're the weirdest stalker ever. At least the other guys never did anything but follow me around." Said Ritsu
"I'm not a stalker. I just came to…tell you to knock this shit off! Stop with the fliers and stop with the whole spirit….business…thing too. Just…can't you be normal? Your parents are normal people, you said, and you live out in the world with normal people so can't you just…be normal and not…make Claw pay attention to you….and stuff?" asked Sho
"How can I be normal when I can do things like this?" asked Ritsu. He reached out and pull his hand back fast. A bunch of garbage cans rolled over….and a cat ran out. Poor cat. He wished that he'd known that cat had been there. Then he could have warned it…or picked it up and petted it and brought it back with him and raised it in his closet and then when he had to leave he could have put the cat in his backpack or something….not that he ever wanted to leave….
He wanted to stay there forever.
In that alley that smelled like fish…well not that alley specifically…but just…he didn't want to leave! He didn't want to leave baby sis and…and that wasn't what this was about. He wanted to tell himself that he wanted to stay forever because of baby sis but…but he wanted to stay there because….because Ritsu was there. He was there and…and Sho…Sho didn't know. He did know. He knew that he didn't like how Ritsu had his arms crossed but not like he was pissed but more like…more like he just…like he was trying to hide behind his arms or something. Sho took a step forward….and he felt….he felt the barrier go up but then go back down…
Ritsu wanted Sho to be close to him.
He had to remind himself how breathing worked. Breathing and walking. He walked right up to Ritsu and…and he just…kept on walking. He was right in front of him now and…and he was there. He was there and….and Ritsu was there and…and he couldn't un-notice this…and he had no idea why he had to notice this…and he also looked…why did he care how he looked?! Why was he thinking about himself and how he looked and how he was so close and…and…and this was about Ritsu! Stupid, annoying, weird Ritsu who just….acted so stupid and annoying and weird all the time!
Ritsu who acted like that because he was pissed off and scared….
"I don't know just…don't get kidnapped. Bad stuff happens to the people we kidnap and…and I don't want that to happen to you." Said Sho. He felt weird saying that. Sort of like he was naked…but like naked like he was being looked at but….not naked in the weird feelings sort of way. He was way too close to Ritsu and he was saying way too much…and he needed to stop talking and take a step back….that was what he needed to do…but he had never been good at doing what he needed to do.
"I can handle myself. I'm not a baby." Said Ritsu. That…Sho got it. He got it, how Ritsu felt, and he just…he wanted to yell at him until he stopped acting like a moron! He wanted…he actually didn't know what he wanted…well he knew what he wanted and…and he couldn't want that! He wanted Ritsu to stop crossing his arms and reach out and hold his hand and pull him down and kiss him and….and he knew that he wasn't supposed to want that…and wanted…..
He wanted a lot of things!
"I don't want anything bad to happen to you, ok!?" asked Sho. He kind of felt like pushing Ritsu. Like…like if he pushed Ritsu then he could push all of those thoughts out of his head. The ones that Ritsu made him think. He thought about…well a lot of stuff that he was not supposed to think about! He thought about…about how he wanted….he wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him and tell him something stupid like…like he could come back to the base and Sho would keep him safe and then they could be together and….and be boyfriend and other boyfriend….and that was stupid!
He was such a moron sometimes…
"Why? You don't even know me." Said Ritsu. Sho….he needed to think up something to say to that! Something that had nothing to do with how badly he wanted to hold Ritsu's hand again…because he couldn't want that. He wanted….he didn't want that. He just…he wanted to know Ritsu but not…not for hand holding reasons!
"I want to know you!" said Sho. He left out the part about kissing and hand holding…and….well that hadn't made it any better now had it! If anything he had just made it worse! He was so dumb sometimes…like now. Now he was being such a moron…such a dick hole of a moron…and…and he just…
He hadn't meant it like that!
"What?" asked Ritsu. Right, Ritsu didn't know what he had going on in his head. He had no idea that Sho liked him…as much as he could like someone he didn't know. He liked…he had a lot of feelings right now!
"I….fuck. Sorry. I just….I think that you're cool and you're the only kid esper that I ever met and….and I want to get to know you and….and I can't do that if you get kidnapped and experimented on and…and it's…it's bad! What they do to people is bad and…and I don't want that to happen to you. I want…that not to happen to you." Said Sho. He just…said things. He just said them and he hoped that they made sense. Just saying stuff, even stuff like this, was better than yelling and stuff…even though he knew that he was being weird. He had just met Ritsu, really, and he barely knew him…so why did he care so much? Because he looked like big sis? No…that part was just weirding him out actually….maybe because he just…
Maybe because he made Sho feel like he had an aquarium inside of himself.
"I…I'm not going to stop…and I can take care of myself but….I guess that I'll be more careful….or whatever…" said Ritsu. He stepped closer to Sho this time. Sho tried to swallow. His throat was way too dry…but he kept on try to swallow. It felt like the goldfish in his stomach was trying to jump up his throat…
Maybe he was trying to swallow it down…it wasn't really working.
"Thanks." Said Sho. His voice came out really high then. He was just grateful that he had managed to say anything at all. That was…something that he had do. Make words. It was hard to make words now. Ritsu was close…way too close. Sho was not the weird one. Ritsu was that weird one. Sho at least knew not to get that close to someone. The only person outside of his family who he got that close to was Shimazaki….but it was ok because they were best friends….and also Sho liked him….
A crazy thought tried to take root in Sho's mind.
"Um…." Said Sho. Ritsu was really close…as close as Sho got to Shimazaki when he wanted to be near him. When he got a lot of goldfish feelings inside of his stomach and he just…acted on them. Well not all the way on them. Acting on them would have been standing up on his tiptoes and kissing Shimazaki on the mouth and-
-and he should not have been having those sorts of thoughts right now.
"Hey….uh…." said Ritsu. He had his arms uncrossed now. Sho felt a shiver run down his spine. That was…maybe it was because Ritsu was so close….or maybe it was because Ritsu's barrier had gone up again. The barrier was around them, now, and Sho…he kind of…wanted it there. Sort of like…like if it was there then Ritsu wanted him to be close to him…
Sho…he wanted….he wanted Ritsu to want to be near him….
"Y-Yeah…." Said Sho. Ritsu was close enough that Sho could see that scar on his head clearly now. It was straight, a lot straighter than Sho's were, and a lot smoother too. At least it looked like it was smooth. Sho…he wanted to reach up and brush Ritsu's hair away from his forehead and just…run his fingers over that scar…but he didn't do that….even though Ritsu was close to him and maybe…maybe Ritsu was thinking about….some of the same stuff that Sho was thinking about right now.
But that was crazy…and even if it wasn't…Sho wouldn't let himself think about…what it would be like…if it wasn't or was or…or….
Ritsu was so fucking close right now….
"I…I kind of…" said Ritsu. Sho…he took a step back. His hand touched Ritsu's barrier….which was like touching Ritsu almost. There was a lot of…Ritsu…in this barrier if it made sense….or maybe it didn't and Sho was just losing his mind or something…he didn't know…he didn't know anything other than the fact that Ritsu was so close that Sho could smell ramen broth and…and not the alley and…and Ritsu had the same eyes as big sis and that was super weird….so he didn't look Ritsu in the eyes…
He couldn't look Ritsu in the eyes.
"I kind of want…." Said Ritsu. Sho was looking at his scar, the one that he gave Ritsu, but that didn't help. Ritsu was looking up at him…he was looking him in the eyes…and Sho…he wanted…he didn't know what he wanted….well he did know but he knew that he couldn't…or maybe he could and…and….
And Ritsu was holding his hand now.
"I…kind of want to get to know you better too. Sho." said Ritsu. Sho nodded. He nodded and…and then…and then he felt Ritsu's hand touching his. First the tips of Ritsu's fingers were touching his…and then the rest of his hand was on top of his….
And then Ritsu laced his fingers with his.
"I…would like that a lot." Said Sho. There. He had found words and…and was that ok for him to say? Was it weird or…or even worse…was this…was this wrong? He was cheating…he felt like he was cheating…and there was nothing worse than cheating! There was nothing worse in the whole world than cheating and…and he was being a cheater…
He was letting Ritsu hold his hand.
"I know you would. You just said that you would." Said Ritsu. Ritsu was still holding his hand and his barrier was still up and…and Sho…he let go. He had to let go, he just…he could not cheat on Emmy! Even if he didn't love her he just…he wasn't that kind of person!
He let go of Ritsu's hand.
"I…um…..I….I have to go! Just…don't get kidnapped!" said Sho. Sometimes you had to run away. That was pretty good advice. He decided to take it. He turned around and ran away….right into Ritsu's barrier. It shimmered before it went down. He head Ritsu say something….and Sho…well he knew that he should have stayed and just…or maybe it was right to go…or maybe he should just…he didn't know!
He just didn't know!
He didn't know what to do or what to say or what to think…and he just…he ran! Ran away. He ran away until he couldn't run anymore…and then he kept on running. He just kept on running until he couldn't even think anymore. He had no idea what that had been…and he had every idea of what that had been and he just…he didn't want to think about it and…and he just….he had to keep on running because…he just….he just couldn't believe that he had almost….that…he'd wanted…to just…..seriously….just….
What the hell, Ritsu!?